Sadly, the "bumper sticker" statements are some I've said to myself. You're right, whether we speak them to ourselves or we hear them from someone else, those statements only add to the pain.
I honestly love when yall start with something fun. I understand it often needs a more serious approach with some of the sensitive topics but it helps to feel connected when yall just talk for a few minutes. Great stuff guys!
My husband doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I see that he is. Its been 13 years of no change, not taking responsibility or admitting to his issues. I'm working on my healing, but it's difficult because I see no change from him. How can I make him see that he needs help?
I think there is a huge correlation between porn usage and divorce. I don't understand why this is not mentioned more or perhaps a study to show this correlation. Many marriages end because of "cheating" partners, I think the fuel that starts the thinking behavior is porn usage. My own marriage of 27 years ended partially because of his "fantasies" he wanted to experience with others.
I really struggle with how some folks make sex addiction or porn addiction so defining. It’s like it is the single most important thing about a person, especially a man. It’s such a huge, crushing weight that leads to hopelessness, not empowerment.
Sexual addiction can be one of the most destructive hardships in somebody's life, and recovery from a sexual addiction is vital towards pursuing overall health. Obviously, there are many other aspects to one's overall health, but we at Pure Desire are primarily focused on this one!
@@PureDesireMinistries I believe that there is a wonderful opportunity to balance the legitimate work that PDM does with the perspective that SA should never (can never) define a person’s true identity, and that while guilt is often deserved, shame itself (“I’m bad because of who I am”) is not.
My 1st DDay was through my h's self disclosure. 2,5 yrs later and after tenth of thousands wasted on 'recovery', I found out that he never stopped acting out. Why the heck did he even disclose the first time?? This is so crazy making 😢
So sorry to hear that! Thank you for your vulnerability. We highly recommend getting involved in a Betrayal And Beyond Group, if you haven't already. Here is a link if you'd like to learn more - puredesire.org/shop/betrayal-beyond-kit/
I'm a man and I have sexual trauma. I didn’t realize until now but my ex sexually abused me. It feels awful and I blamed myself for a long time but I realize I've done nothing wrong.
That sounds like a huge breakthrough! Have you been able to get plugged in to a group to help process this further? Here's a link if you'd like to learn more about that. We wish you the best on your recovery journey my man! thanks for watching. puredesire.org/shop/seven-pillars-of-freedom-kit/
This is possibly one of the most enlightening talks that Pure Desire has put together which shows me how thankful I am that God has helped me get out of this harmful teaching. "Doesn't matter how long we are in recovery, we're going to continue to uncover nuance of our shame, of our past right... if we don't have the perspective to do that, then we're leaving ourselves vulnerable." What a scary and disheartening statement. I just can't see Jesus (probably because he doesn't say anything of the sort in the gospels) saying that to the woman at the well, or the woman caught in adultery. "Why don't you keep evaluating your past shame - otherwise you may end up doing it again!" I'll let the reader find out what Jesus really says in those instances. When recovery is just a never ending attempt to avoid a behavior/substance by evaluating past trauma, using will power, putting up boundaries, while still maintaining your belief that that behavior/substance has value/power over your life - then you will never be free. Blending addiction/recovery beliefs with the gospel is dangerous and ultimately neuters the freedom Christ has already given us. For those interested - I can't emphasis how crucial the Freedom Model was for me to understand I'm not a slave to sin or what I considered my addiction. God is so Good!
I find it interesting that you use the term "attraction." instead of "orientation." That use seems to be a fundamental distinction you are attempting to make. . While I did not listen to your entire podcast, It seem that you are denying that individuals come by their orientation honestly, by nature. Orientation would be better based on science rather than religious beliefs. Not accepting a person's orientation is very disrespectful of the person. If you cannot accept a person's orientation, you cannot be a friend to that person, , simply because you are always judging and I believe Jesus advised us not to judge.
Are you will also address the impact the social media has on men and women over 30 and + and how impact to the marriages the emotional attachment it creates?.. example TikTok instagram?… old adults cant stop connecting and creating an virtual emotional connection it is destroying the trust and relationships
Betrayal and beyond is amazing! I've been in two full classes now and am looking forward to being a co leader moving forward in this! Thank you, pure desire ministry! You have brought so much healing for men through conquer series and the new betrayal and beyond!!
“She’s not the one you gave me” translates to a betrayed wife as “I have to deal with this one instead but I really want that one.” Betrayal has broken me. Acknowledging that another woman is beautiful is awful for a betrayed wife. You keep saying “she is beautiful” makes a betrayed wife feel extra ugly. Having to physically move your body so you don’t objectify another woman is way to much effort. If you can’t stay faithful visually and have to work that hard at it as a betrayed wife we can’t handle that. It breaks us. We didn’t deserve this.
If the betrayer cannot unsee what s/he did to the betrayed….they cannot expect the betrayed to forget it either. Once an affair/acting out happens, the person who acted out can always go back to that memory for sensation…now exchange that sensation for betrayal trauma done to you by your “safe person” who vowed under the holy covenant to be your one and only in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. The betrayed cannot unsee the betrayal as well as all of the moments/years that came before, during and after. Healing can happen but once a memory is created, it is created forever. ❤️🩹 Triggers happen. Respond versus React 💔 ❤️🩹 ❤️
My husband gets mad at me when I’m triggered. Then I feel a need to explain why and what he’s done in the past that makes this trigger relevant. When I do that he says I’m bringing up the past. It’s maddening. I’m currently separated because I can’t handle it anymore. We are still in the beginning stages because he goes back every few months and repeats the betrayal (porn, contacting exes) bc he says my triggers are too much for him. I can’t get ahead. He has abandoned me during triggers and left to go stay at his mom’s house for two months to act out while telling me that me and my triggers are the problem. He repeats this cycle every few months. We’ve listened to so many things on betrayal trauma but he still gets angry as soon as something triggers me
We're so sorry to hear this! Are you able to do anything for yourself to get healing? Counseling? Group? Please let us know how we can help you in your difficult situation.
We are partnering with Barna for a new study including modern and up to date statistics, it will be coming out this September. Click the attached video to hear all about it! thanks!
Is there a particular PDM episode that gives specific guidance on a periodic (weekly) check-in format for the addict and the betrayed partner to use? Or is there a recommended resource for it? It has been a HUGE struggle for my wife and I to get on the same page about what is beneficial to discuss during our weekly check in conversations around my SA, and to what level of detail.
This is a great question. We've seen a weekly check-in using the FASTER Scale tool be incredibly helpful for what you're talking about. Here's a link to the free tool on our website: drive.google.com/file/d/1DYzE1u7FcfFXhPNa-R6JLDjHZFv8bOtk/view?usp=sharing
I’m so, so tired of safety only being a relevant topic for the betrayed partner. It’s such a joke to pretend that “addicts” (because that’s all I am - a porn/sex addict, and nothing more) deserve every negative emotional response that the betrayed partner throws at them. My wife has a consistent pattern of emotional abuse towards me and I’ve seen it enabled by several therapists instead of being corrected, which is why several years of legitimate personal and relational work is going down the drain. “Addicts” have legitimate needs too, beyond accountability.
We're so sorry to hear that! Have you tried any of our counseling or group material? We do not take that approach. We're focused on helping both spouses.
