We are here to talk about various topics related to mental health and any other concerns that we may experience in our daily lives along with helpful coping skills.
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Soaring Families Counseling is located in Southern California and works with all ages; children, adults, couples, and families.
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Try asking a passive man "what do you mean by that comment?" And you will get "nothing, it was a joke". They already have avoidance behavior. (Hence, the passive aggressive mindset) Then it will be your fault.
Id rather deal with someone who is overtly aggressive rather than passive aggressive. At least you know where you stand with aggressive people. Passive aggressive people make me want to pull the hair out of my head.
Hey! I alreday have hobbies that used to make me happy, but I started to get more and more tired and unmotivated. I would like to turn my hobbies into my coping skills, because I don't have many friends, and I'm probably struggling with depression. I need help to feel motivated again, and I don't know how. Could you please help me?
Hello and thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I would recommend checking out my increasing motivation video based on your question. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-CpDnwZWJq0U.htmlsi=5h1oOyTMXAclKG5x In this video I talk about the difficulties of motivation when we are depressed. I talk about the tip of "forcing" ourself to just do whatever it is that would make us feel better. If we just "wait" for motivation, it could potentially not be there when needed and makes us go deeper into a depressive state. So my perspective is we "force" ourselves to just do it and the motivation and momentum will eventually take over and we can be engaging in our hobbies to hopefully then transition to coping skills to help our mood. I hope that helps. :)
My ex-husband: 1. Informed me right before we separated that his motto was "me first and everyone else second". This included our young children. 2. He was a no show for over half of his visits so I stopped telling the kids he was coming. He hated that he was a surprise and wanted them "eagerly anticipating" his visits, so he took it upon himself to tell them during phone conversations. He still skipped over half of his visits. 3. Any time he went out anywhere he complained about the service he received because it wasn't what he deserved. My Mom said, who does he think he is? The Prime Minister? 4. He bragged to me, in front of the kids, that he and his girlfriend had a fight then she said she was going to kill herself, grabbed her medicine, and went to their bedroom. He went out and bought them each a coffee, leaving hers on the table as some sort of alibi (?) before falling asleep on the couch. But she apparently didn't take enough pills (his words) because she woke up in the morning. He never once checked to see if she was okay. 5. He joined the Mormons because the missionaries praised him and gave him lots of attention. He wasn't interested in their religion and smoked a joint, had a beer, and smoked some cigarettes after his baptism. 6. He told my son that he was going to hang out with him. He told my daughter that he'd bought a bike from a local gang then it got stolen that night so he wasn't going to pay them. Now they were coming to shake him down. If he didn't call her by morning he was dead. Then knowing that both kids would be calling and people were going to panic, he turned the volume off on his phone and went to bed. 7. My daughter got completely fed up with him and cut him out of her life. He left her a note saying that he hoped her newborn would die of SIDS so she'd know what it was like to lose a child. There's so much more but I don't need to write a novel here. I definitely have my suspicions.
I'm very sorry to hear about those experiences. It definitely sounds horrible and I wish you the best of luck with what you were doing now and in your future relationships. There are definitely some unhealthy traits there that you described and I hope you don't have to deal with any further.
When your PA person is goofing you uo by being late it becomes necessary to be a manipulator yourself to keep them from messing things up. You have to say, "We need to get to the funeral home at 12:00 because we have a lot of stuff to arrange." even though the funeral is at 2:00. Then they will be there in time. Not fun, but you gotta do it.
Circumstances like this definitely arise and a part of how to handle it is just knowing what "fixes" work. In your case giving an extra few hour time buffer seems to do the trick. :)
Did this video raise more questions for you on what is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Comment below on your thoughts and questions about this diagnosis and video. :)
There's nothing wrong with being passive aggressive as long as you are making a point. But it is very important to make that point clear and obvious. You need to say upfront why you have that attitude and how you feel.
It's hard to say without knowing the full context, but I would say if you were second guessing the intention of the comment, it's probably a good guess that it is passive intention. I would still use the exercise of asking directly what the intention of the comment was. That way it clarifies it and you can have a direct resolution with it. I hope that helps. :)
For me, I had to learn to detach from my inner guilt to take a stand. There was a meditation book called 30 Days to Overcome Guilt by Harper Daniels that helped.
OK, so I have a very passive aggressive partner. I have done what you suggest for years. My response is almost always "nothing is wrong" or "I don't need anything from you". I try to guide the person into expressing why that passive aggressive attitude was how she communicated which ends in stonewalling, ignoring or a full blown argument which goes nowhere. I really have no idea where to go at that stage, and usually just say that she is right and I'm wrong just to get her to settle down. I know this is the wrong approach I'm taking but I really have no other idea how to deal with it. Any advice would be very helpful! Thanks and Love from Dublin Ireland 🇮🇪
Thank you for your comment. That can definitely be frustrating. I just released a second video that goes more in depth with how to respond to these types of behaviors and reactions. Ultimately I talk about passive aggressive individuals doubling down with their passive aggressive behaviors when being called out and not being willing or ready to accept/acknowledge their behaviors. We ultimately have to set a boundary that we didn't appreciate and won't tolerate that type of response or behavior they are admitting their behavior or not. So in your case, I would simply say, "This behavior was not appropriate and I don't want you to do x, y, or z anymore.". I hope that helps. :) For more on this, please check out my latest video here: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-Cvg9eM697x4.html
Actually, Ive been on my own since 1997 with my dogs. STILL love the peace, solitude, emotional freedom and unconditional love ❤️ They are so much fun and so cuddly❤❤ No desire to accumulate humans. Only 4 people have access to me. One of them is about to go.😂
There will NEVER be another significant other. Theres not enough time left in etetnity to navigate their BS. I enjoy being happily uncoupled! Idk why its SO hard to communicate honestly . Treat me with honesty, respect, kindness, be truthful with your emotions. I don't fulfill magic wishes, read minds or correctly assess SILENCE.
My ex-husband was passive agressive. He would not say he was upset about something, he would wait until I was counting on him to do somethingband he WOULD NOT DO IT. Examples-#1- I worked at night, he was supposed to pick up the 2 younger kids from daycare- 7:30 PM the daycare called meat WORK to come & get them. They charged $5 for the first 5 min after 5 pm then $1 per minute for each minute afterwards PER CHILD. $200 !!!! All because his infantile inability to be direct was non exitistant!!! Furious!! #2- I left for work asked him to bring my Samoyed dog inside in the air conditioning before 11am- heat index 105!!!! At noon After my meeting at work I called to check on my dog. He had ripped 2 of his toes off trying to get out of the fence -AND WAS DEAD FROM HEAT STROKE !!!! While he and his daughter watched a movie head him barking feverishly as did the neighbors and NOBODY DID ANYTHING!!!! Wanted to kill him!!! My son and I were devistated😢. I cannot imagine his pain. My son was at work with me, it was his birthday, and he got permission from my boss to be at work with me, just as his daughter did on her birthday. What CRUEL INCONCEIVABLE BIRTHDAY GIFT TO MURDER YOUR CHILDS DOG. I LEFT HIS ASS. WILL NEVER ENGAFE WITH ANOTHER MALADAPTIVE POS LIKE THIS AGAIN EVER
Very interesting! I wonder what you do, if when you are direct with a person and ask them what they are wanting or needing, if the answer is, nothing! I'm fine! This is what I am getting.
I just did a follow up video that addresses this very concept. If you are "confronting" someone that is being passive aggressive, their usual reaction will be passive and avoidant, which would be denial and claiming that they don't need anything or brush off the question. I hope that makes sense. Check out the latest video for more information and examples on this. :) ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-Cvg9eM697x4.htmlsi=wbquMYLRIxwsQMr7
Vegetarianism is a core (or moral...?) value for my girlfriend. She wants her partner to not eat meat, but I'm learning autonomy is important to me, and I don't feel comfortable with someone imposing a dietary restriction on me. Autonomy is a core value of mine that I did not recognize until I got into this relationship with her. It has been very difficult navigating since this is the only core value I've identified that we have not been able to compromise on. Is there a difference between moral and core values?
That's a great question! They do usually line up for the individual that may see a value as "morally right" and is also their core value. What identifies a core value is based on an individual's beliefs and moral code. So they are typically the same. So for your girlfriend, vegetarianism can be morally a value as well as a core value. I hope that helps. :)
Confront these people logically with no emotion and challenge their statement. Through time they’ll learn you’re not an easy victim because you are calm and have control over your emotions
What do you do if they are clearly being passive aggressive but when you confront them or ask for their needs they deny being passive aggressive and pretend like they are perfectly fine when they are clearly not. I see it a form of gaslighting almost.
Great question, as this is a very likely case and response. They may try to deny it with being "called out" for their behavior. The key is setting your own boundaries with the comments and what you do not like or what you would like to receive. From there you can then ask clearly for what you want and need from them related to their comment. EXE: Someone makes a passive aggressive comment about something I'm doing or what they want something from me. "Oh it would be nice if I was invited to lunch." I can then address that their comment is passive aggressive and if they deny it I would then say, either way I didn't appreciate the comment. "If you would like to go to lunch with me, please let me know directly versus making comments or jokes about it." This is a straight forward request and boundary on my side to potentially stop the passive aggressive responses. Now they can still deny it and most likely try to scapegoat it, but at least it was clear on my end and they now know how to address that topic with me. I hope that helps. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling Thanks for taking the time to respond! It makes sense. Your example of addressing passive-aggressive comments directly and assertively sounds like such a simple and straigh-forward solution and yet, is still something many people struggle to achieve.
Me and my wife are starting counseling next week I am hoping the no secrets policy plays out in my favor as my wife loves to talk I may possibly find out more than my wife ever told me? Even if it hurts I want to know anything she may be holding back? It will be the only way to move forward or make the ultimate decision to call it quits
@@Timetimetimelo So far good we will cover much more specific issues in the weeks to come my wife has already lied about 1 or 2 things I will cover with the counselor my next session
This was a very informative and good video. Thank you. the thing about asking them to clarify themselves is something I haven't been doing, just jumping straight to anger about what I think they're talking about
There have been many times in my life when I have been hanging out with a group of people, and one person says: "I love Gabby, even though a lot of people don't like her or find her hard to get along with, I still love her." So many times, I have been the recipient of hearing that while hanging out in a group of people. I was lucky to have a friend recently shut that down with: "Things we don't need to know for $5000." It's just hard for me to know how to respond without further making myself look vulnerable or weak. I don't want to know who specifically does not like me. I am not trying to entertain negative energy or feed into the negative or passive aggressive energy in that moment. Should I pull them aside and respond with: " Hey I love the first part of what you said and glad you feel that you love hanging out with me. As per the 2nd half of your statement, with all do respect, we all have haters and I am not interested in knowing who hates me. I probably am already aware of these people and not trying to change anyone's mind about me whose mind is already made up. If there is something that you specifically would like to see me change and want to discuss that, I am open to suggestions. I just prefer to not be reminded that I have group of haters that are known/unknown where I have no control over these peoples negative opinions of me either way." I could say the above. Do you think that will shut down that person ever saying something like that again? I somehow always find that when I come up with the perfect line to respond with when receiving a passive aggressive comment, somehow the Universe congratulates me by never putting me in the situation again where I never even have the opportunity to use that perfectly constructed response. Its almost like the Universe does not want me to get the thrill of seeing the look on the persons face when I respond that way because it knows I will be successful in shutting it down. I just need the perfect shut down line if the one above is not what I should use.
I am always a fan of setting boundaries to what we do or do not want to hear or discuss. So I am on board with your example! :) If I were to change anything, I would recommend addressing why it is being brought up in the first place by them. As mentioned in the video, addressing directly and questioning what their goal or intention is with making such a passive comment along with setting your boundaries would be ideal. EXE: "Hey I love the first part of what you said and glad you feel that you love hanging out with me. As per the 2nd half of your statement, with all do respect, we all have haters and I am not interested in knowing who hates me. Was there any particular reason you felt the need to bring that to my attention? Is there a concern from you related to this?" With this added part you are directly addressing why they chose to make that comment, which I would assume there was no direct intention and would "take the wind out of their sail" as its said. I hope that helps. :)
You could say, "Who gives a shi$ about who doesn't like me. As long as you love me, that's what matters, right friend? Because I'll always have your support, right?" That might be a little too direct, and it might open the doors for you hear: "Geesh, calm down gabs." So never mind. Just ignore the shady comments. Only focus on the positive. It doesn't matter who doesn't like you Ms. Gabby. Maybe the person who made that comment was fishing for a reaction from you. A real friend wouldn't mention that. That person sounds more like an acquaintance than an actual friend. As for me, I often ignore passive aggressive comments, 😔 but when it comes from my family like my mother, I tried to address it head-on without being offensive. Which is really hard to do with a narcissist.
What they want or need is usually not my problem. I will deal directly with the rudeness rather than trying to analyze them. The passive aggressive person won't have the insight into their behavior or they will, but think 1. Others don't see it, or 2. They don't care. Either way, the behavior is unacceptable. I will speak up and ask them what their problem is or tell them they're being rude without asking why.
I learned these ppl don't want understanding they make those comments to take frustration out on you p.a ppl are cowards that won't stand up to a threat but they will pick at ppl thats good to them i just distanced myself from them im tired getting exited in a bad way from them I'm a reactor so to avoid coming to blows i stay away
I always get very angry and react fast, even i do think that because of my awful i don't have any friend. so how to control this and how to stop over thinking.
I would recommend looking at some of the videos I have on mindfulness. That will be a good place to start to help be in the present moment and decease some reaction time to manage anger.
My son is behaving like mad he is 26 years old he will be good sometimes n he love us like anything suddenly he will change n he will atart hitting n he will get angry like anything n he will start blaming parents what to do any remedies for this let me know
It's frustrating, it's like they expect to unlock the answers through their passive aggressive behavior, why can't they communicate properly Seems immature.
What's helped me is working on my own passive aggressive tendencies. Being passive aggressive back usually ends poorly. And if someone is being passive aggressive, I notice they tend to be passive aggressive toward many people.
Dialogue, “you want to tag team me on getting these kids to sleep?” Response, “oh yeah like we tagged teamed on getting bub bathed?” Passive aggression even if they tried to play it off as being funny?
That would be an example of passive aggressive comment and they are usually deflected with "I was just joking". In that case I would use the exercise I spoke about in the video and address how it was coming across and ask directly for what they want and need. Without context I am just assuming here but I would assume that the individual wants more help with the kids. Maybe they felt they have asked before or are struggling with asking for some reason and that is what I would discuss directly. If my wife were to say that comment, my response would be "Wife are you asking me for help with the kids because this isn't a healthy way to. Please be direct and tell me what you are looking for or ask me what's going on so I can explain what happened during bath time." Now that will open up a healthy discussion for her to express that she needs more help, had a frustrating day with the kids, felt that I wasn't being involved, maybe thought I was lagging on my parental duties, etc. Without addressing the comment and behavior though, we can't open up that dialogue to get to the root of the issue and get our wants and needs met. I hope that helps.
Although communicated regulary, my boyfriend doesn't seem to respect any boundaries, instead asks me to adjust and understand. How do I deal with this?
I'm sorry to hear that. When it comes to boundaries I tend to advise on reflecting on the values it has for you. Are these high valued boundaries and are they "deal breakers". That is the intention of discussing values in a relationship to identify if it is "negotiable" or what has to be comprised and enforced based on your values. If the boundary infringement is against a high value that is a "deal breaker" then it is up to you on what kind of adjustments you can and are willing to make if any. I hope that helps.
It has been my experience, especially with coworkers, that passive aggressive behavior is a way for some to shutdown communication. You can ask them what is wrong and get " nothing is wrong" or " calm down I'm not trying to take your job" as a response. They often won't even acknowledge their behavior and then make you feel like you're the one with the problem. I leave them alone.
Exactly. Thats the whole game thwy are playing. They are punishing the othee person for not figuring it out or fishing it out of them what they really want and mea. So they can blame you for whatever you didn't figure out they meant by not telling you. Their behaviour is "borderline personality" type as they are up or down, happy, down, jekyll and hide. Narcissistic. I hold all such people accountable and do not feed into their childish behaviour.
Currently I have a commenter following my channel who is busily making attention-seeking and passive-aggressive jabs. As a small channel, I’m trying to build rapport and connections with my viewers, which makes it hard to be polite and nice when some kid is actively sabotaging it haha. I probably should have asked them directly why they were doing it, that seems like a good idea. Thanks for outlining these behaviors and defining them so clearly!
Either that, or delete the comment. I bypass building rapport with people that aren't trying to build rapport with me. I focus on the commenters that bring positive energy with their comments.
@@fantasycreed never negotiate with a passive aggressive troll. I have a different account on Twitter and I’m constantly invaded by passive aggressive people. I hide their comments and if they come back, I block them there is no negotiation. They want people to see them dissing you.
@@pinkchilldivestmentor interesting… it really sucks that they want to glean negative attention and arguments so badly. Thanks for the tip! I appreciate it :D
Great video! This sort of approach seems to be a good way with dealing with this type of situation with a peer or loved one. I have a follow up question though! In my current situation, my boss at work (highest level in my department whereas I'm at the lowest position), is very passive agressive and dismissive to not only myself but everyone under her in our department. She is respectful to the other department leads at her level. My needs at work are currently not being met (very overworked and taking on responsibility past my job title) and she is constantly dismissive if I try to express them. How do I navigate her passive aggressive and dismissive behavior with this large power imbalance?
Great question and defiantly a stressful situation when we have a power imbalance like this. I would recommend being clear with expressing your intentions related to the work environment and asking clearly for your wants and needs related to fulfilling your role as well as expressing your limits and boundaries. Asking for clarification on their intention can also be helpful with asking why, how, or what they want from you related to your role. This way you are respecting the "power differential" and roles and asking for your own wants and needs as well as setting healthy boundaries. I hope that helps. :)
