The commercials in this were such a disappointment. Just started to get into the content, then interrupted by you selling me something, minutes long. I won’t be listening to any more of your content because of this.
Hi Jeremiah - sorry for your experience with that - I'm working on getting less verbose with my sponsorships - and, while I totally understand your choice to not listen, I hope you might at least consider fast-forwarding past the sponsors so that you can still get the value from the content.
So glad to see you back, Neil! Thank you for being very authentic in sharing your story and your struggles. I had a thought as you were discussing acknowledging our imperfections. We are "perfectly imperfect". I'm very much looking forward to more episodes from you. Your voice is very calming and you share your real self.
Hi @nancyhynes8775 - at the moment I'm having some technical issues on my website that are preventing the guide from being sent out. If you drop me a line through the contact form on neilsattin.com that you're looking for the gottman guide, I can get you a link to it once everything is fixed. Thanks!
Amazing to have you back. Fishing around in Apple podcasts before sleep, oddly, felt the need to click on Relationship Alive, despite not knowing what the heck happened to you. How divine to see your new podcast. Hearing the intro music took me back to 2016... Ahhhh, Neil is back!! Super stoked. You shared so much back then and I grew so much because of it. I must admit that I did feel a little worried and upset when you just disappeared. Betrayed? Hardly! No, just sad. So glad to hear your wonderful voice again and continue our human journey together. If anything, losing you in my life helped me to realize how much I valued you... I hope this time around, you have a few more topics related to single people who aren't willing to continue in those relationships where it's too much work, not enough good... how to try again... To not get down...
@truestory923 - thanks for saying so, and really appreciate your kind feedback. The fact that I just "disappeared" was something I had to address one way or another - but I'm glad that you didn't feel betrayed. Definitely will have more episodes on those topics - important stuff!
Had been wondering what happened to you Neil. Sorry to hear about you and Chloe. It reminds me of Helen and Harville getting to the brink of divorce after teaching relationships around the world. Even with all the knowledge at our fingertips making intimate loving last for a lifetime is the hardest work on the planet. Good to have your voice in the mix again. Please have s follow up with Keith Witt. One of the most profound relationship gurus I've heard. And I've been doing this for 25 years. Charlie
Neil, some thoughts about so-called "failing relationships": In another podcast, Dr. Peter Levine said, "We have in our nervous system, a magnet, tuned in a certain frequency, and then you have somebody else with their trauma, their magnet... they just seek each other. They are just driven to each other." And now I believe that the yet another pain in the yet another relationship is yet another chance for us to discover yet another psychological blind spot in ourselves. Dr. Lindsay Gibson said in a podcast, "it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to work, so we're ready for that, but you still can get so much mileage out of practicing let me get in touch of myself, let me not be confused about who I am and what I want first of all, and let me figure out what I am really after [...] even if you don't end up in that same relationship, you are learning how to turn back to yourself, instead of trying to please the other person, or trying to passify the other person, and that skill [...] you can carry it with you for the rest of your life [...] They can pay off big later." So it's still a success. A success in our own life journey. Congratulations Neil, for what you have got from your pain and your journey! Hope to hear from you again, Neil! I love your podcasts. I love how you interview people. I love your insights!
Appreciate the kind words, Joy! And yes, lots to say about failing relationships. Speaking candidly - I think that every relationship has the ability to teach us something about our blind spots, our trauma - that comes out because our partners get to see us and experience unfiltered by all the ways that we protect ourselves. I'm not totally sure about the "magnet" theory - because I do think it is possible to be discerning and find something that feels like a powerful fit - and to have it not be about the trauma, but about how you show up for each other. That's the super brief way of saying it anyway! :-)
Neil!! A big welcome back!!! I've been listening to so many of your podcasts and they've been super helpful for me! Sometimes we need a while to stop and think. I've been "taking a rest" for quite a while so I understand you. Please don't feel sorry at all! Nice to listen to you again and super nice to SEE you!!
So fresh to see someone so real like Me!!!!!!! Actually I got an email from Spotify today saying that someone logged in into my account from Israel, maybe was YOU, LOL! I logged into SPOTIFY and your podcast was right there in front of my eyes. Welcome back!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome back and sharing your voice around the topic of relationship. I will be curious to hear about people that stay together but not necessarily around the western idea of relationship. I would be interested by people that looked to be together with a partner but never happened, how they live that. Happy 50s
Thanks for the welcome, and I appreciate the topic ideas. Can you explain a little more about "people that stay together but not necessarily around the western idea of relationship"?
It's great to have you back, Neil! Thank you for sharing so authentically... I appreciate you so much for that! You have such a beautiful presence, it's great to see you on video. Good luck with everything you're up to. Many Blessings! ❤
Hi Neil, not sure if you’ll get to see this comment but writing here nonetheless to bring forth input at this relaunch juncture. Hope it provides some use as you steer this work in this phase. First off it was a surprise to see this come up. I had thought the show was abandoned (in retrospect while writing this, noting some parallels to the experiences you spoke of in this video). There was not an unsub neither was there an expectation for a return. Which brings to the sense I had about the first 255 episodes. While not all of them were heard, a decent chunk were. So the following is based on this context. My sense about their problem wasn’t so much that you were seeking to prevent relationships from ending. Rather it was that it became IMO rather “empty”. It became filled with platitudes. Which in itself isn’t necessarily an issue but in context of the importance of the subject (i.e. building relationships) it became somewhat difficult to listen to. In this sense, there is an ambivalence about engaging with RA once again. There is a curiosity but also a sense maybe outgrowing RA has occurred. IMO what was spoken to in this edit/video, it seems like a pendulum swing to the other end of where you perceive you were prior. IMO not sure if that’s necessary nor what the true heart of the matter is. IMO there is a good place that we can reach. One akin to the picture you paint about your early childhood. The point isn’t to abandon the notion. Where we feel alive, safe and affirmed at a felt sense level. Neither of course is the point about avoiding conflict by implementing enough communication skills, cognitive framing before hand because we are petrified of ‘conflict’, because we are misguided in identifying it as the source of the issue. There is no way to uniformly cover in this writing why divorce rates etc. are on the rise, are becoming more “normal” given the multitude of reasons and circumstances. However IMO it would likely not be unreasonable to suggest that some of these relational ruptures do stem from having not experienced, seen, felt “successful” relationships. Successful in that they are growing, edifying, generative for the persons within and even without the relationship. IMO if we are to improve matters at a societal, cultural level (as you somewhat spoke to in the later portion), we must seek to uphold that a good place in our lives, in our relationships is possible. If in fact, well within reach. That it’s there for the taking if we want it. We need more of us to have this seeming “impossible”. Not as a societal pressure, marker of “success” but because it’s in our very nature. We are social, bonding creatures. If we are partnered with someone with whom we are unable to steer together towards a fruitful, bountiful relational union, yes, a departure is reasonable. Yet equally it doesn’t need to be indicative or conclusive that good relationships are not a thing, or that we should not seek to foster one when we are amidst a relationship. Breaking up isn’t the point. Divorcing isn’t the point. Avoiding conflict isn’t the point. Trying to wrangle our thoughts with ever more clever ideas, semantics isn’t the point. Giving up isn’t the point. Cynicism, being “realistic” isn’t the point. The point is being seen, it’s seeing, it’s giving and receiving love. On a separate and closing note, hope you had a wonderful 50th. Hope too you will have a timely conversation with your dad. Lastly, not sure if you got to speak to/interview Dr Sue Johnson again for the batch of upcoming episodes before she passed. Would be brilliant if you can reply so? So I can keep a look out for that. Thank you :) Wishing you the very best with the RA reboot!
Thanks for the thoughtful comments and reflections. Sounds like you should have a podcast! :-) For sure there's some modeling missing in our culture - and, that being said, I think what you also describe is true, that there's a felt sense, within us, that we can cultivate, and that leads to relationships that are more satisfying, and that have more capacity for growth and endurance. There are also so many variables that we can't control, and so...luck (or maybe "fate"?) come into play as well. We do our best, and, I suppose, if there were a subtitle for "Relationship Alive" that phrase (we do our best) would be in the running. "The point is being seen, it’s seeing, it’s giving and receiving love." - love this. Fortunately I was able to speak with Sue not long ago. It's likely that will be among the first interview episodes that I release. She was such a friend to Relationship Alive with her frequent visits, and we had chatted about doing a live version of the show together (like I had done with Terry Real and the Gottmans back in 2019). I'm looking forward to sharing one last bit of our connection, that I treasured so much, here on the show. Be well, and keep in touch!
They never talk about abuse or when one person rejects repair attempts when they are responsible for major disrespect, when they say they don’t care, when they deny and gaslight but suddenly want to try Gottman. I feel they are weaponizing it against me now.
He has become a glutton, and gaibed huge amounts of weight, he drinks beer and visits bars with bands and dancing regularly sometimes without inviting me or my knowledge until after the fact.
Continued from last comment: The first 18 months were fantastic for us both. The last 5 months are only fun and good when I pay to maintain our lifestyle. If I close the money purse, it's one argument after another, it's all about his depression, he needs gas, he needs income, he needs sex, he needs....
What if the relationship was great until the man lost his work income for 4 months with no prospects and the woman has to use all her retirement funds and income because the man who is younger and not retired has no income for long periods as a general contractor and handyman??? She contributed $15,000 in this last year, $5,000.00 was a loan to him to prevent his bad credit. He started off inviting her to an $85.00 sushi lunch and paid for everything on dates and luxury week ends away for concerts. Now it's totally reversed and she pays gas, food, outings. He is chauffeur
"Evolution does not like monogamy" that sounds like complete nonsense to me. Raising a human kid is hard work and obviously a stable couple will be more successful at it
In humans ... evolution likes a pair bond to last 4 or 5 years until the infant is more independent. After that the father and mother are encouraged to find new mates to create children with different immune systems.
What a paradox! The idea that trying to "soften the blow" when delivering news is really to protect myself - because behind that, I believe it will protect the relationship (which I need because I'm a vulnerable animal) - so in a sense I am being selfish by trying to protect you, which primarily protects me. I can't remember where I read/heard it, but it's that love is like holding your neck up to the blade. Like a dog that rolls over and offers you it's belly. If you can't be straight/honest with your partner, and handle the consequences, then what's the point? How bonded are you really? I really love Stan Tatkin - his advice seems more concrete/direct than, for example, Sue Johnson. I like Sue Johnson more, actually, because her approach to "hold me tight" conversations is, in a nutshell, if we can get past the BS of our own defenses and "offer ourselves" to our partner, it is our greatest risk, and greatest reward. In a sense, she is saying, if we can create the memory of these deep bonding conversations, we can increase our epistemic trust (you are good, I am good). But her model (EFT) also requires a therapist to "catch the bullets" (her term), which I think, is the idea that if a therapist can't protect both partners from each other then the safety will never go deep enough. Stan's advice seems to be more "10 commandments of relationships", where as Sue's advice seems to be more, for lack of a better word, esoteric, like if we can go "this deep" once and know it's possible, maybe we can start repeating it on our own. If anyone can help me decode these differences, please chime in!
The preoccupied is the one who had love/proximity withheld when they tried to separate, and the dismissive is the one who had love/proximity withheld when they tried to come close. It's so funny when he mentions that the preoccupied is the one who demands love "I want so much more, I want to be loved, held, kissed..." and then you "move towards them quickly" and they resist dependency (because they want to depend, not to be depended on). In EFT, Sue Johnson says that the dismissive needs to be "re-engaged" before you "soften" the preoccupied. I think that's because the dismissive is (covertly) more dependent than the preoccupied. The preoccupied is actually the one who is more resistant, because they actually understand what's at stake - what they might lose - so convincing them turns out to actually be more of a challenge.
Do these 2 actually get paid just for saying what they believe. Anyone can talk about what works and doesn't. But it doesn't apply to everyone. Everyone who watches these 2 can say what they think. Doesn't mean they're right or wrong. People have to stop giving their opinions on relationships, marriage, family life and dating There are no experts on any of these subjects. And stop for the love of God making these 2 especially look like saints. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. For all anyone knows they may get home and just hate each other. They're just scam artist sucking money out of naieve people. And never trust when eople say " well research says " because this one a small percentage of people in the world. Very,very,very small
This was an awesome presentarion Niel👍🏾. Your experienced & learned guest Dr Yapco, taught me so many skills for a more peaceful and productive life, through your interview. The poscast has also given me defined clinical labels for the behaviours I experience in my own life... Rumination, Attributional Style among others. I have benefitted significantly and will definitely share the love (Cognitive Behavioural Theraphy). Thanks again. Paul Harris... Jamaica West Indies 🇯🇲
