My head nodded til it rattled through the whole video. This is painful, and its not a Two's please like me. It is the Please find me that Fours, Twos, and even though not connected by a line, I feel Nines share. The difference being with Nines, they as a gut type when unhealthy go blank to what they are saying and acquiesce mostly unknowingly and end up just keeping going. But all three of these types, especially when struggling, I feel, are saying please find me to love me.

How does one find there ennegram instincts tom?! As well i agree with one commenter my two disintegration i can see I do not use much but I can see now Tom I definitely do!!!

In my case as a social 4 I must say everything you said is exact, true, except the point about the darkness approaching to the light. Not at all. Thank you for the video.

I'm a four and my husband is a one🙄...it's a struggle

Yeah this is the most accurate description I've heard of how me at my unhealthiest manifested. My inner world was on fire and I defaulted to my relationship dating an ego ideal being the sole factor of my identity, which was also a dynamic that was on fire and only got worse as we both destabilized. It took probably 2 years to rebuild self-trust and self-esteem, but I finally have an identity based from within for the first time in a decade and now I see how this is the only way for me to live. Instead of needing to ask someone else to tell me that I'm a good, smart, worthy person I now actually believe it at least a little bit telling it to myself. And I'm never selling myself off to have a quick and easy but ultimately hollow source of this validation again.

I'm an 8w9 AND a SX dominant 8. I've heard my entire life that I'm intimidating, intense, and a lot. My mom tells me "You're like a bull in a china shop." I used to think i was a 1 because I'm a rule follower. But then i realized its only when i think the rule is reasonable. If i don't, then i kinda go rogue and do my own thing.

Yes this is true...I am drawn to people who are closed off under stress for my validation... thanks

This brought up some very painful memories. This was good. Keep it coming.

Thank you for the reality check!

Embarrassingly this seems to be very true… I would love a video about how to get out of this messy, unhealthy situation!🤓 I would really love to hear your thoughts on this theme… Thanks for the interesting topics!🩵

This rings true. Melancholy is one thing but when things do not work out it heads to self-destruct. I enjoy your posts.

As a 4 I never understood what do line for type 2 has to do with me as I never used the needs of other people to win them over ; now that it’s compromising parts of my identity to gain acceptance is the thing 👍 true and makes sense to me

If everyone would just know everything about Enneagram types… the world would be a better place!🤣🤣🙏🏼

I would say a 4's disintegration to 2 remains fundamentally different from a 2's behaviors due to differing underlying motivations. The 2 is fueled by the sin of pride and a sense of false abundance. They seek to win over the outsider because it validates some feeling about how needed or valuable they are. The unhealthy 4 is spiraling into the sin of envy, and consumed by a sense of false deficiency. Opposite of 2. When disintegrating they, uncharacteristic of type 4, lose all sense of self and begin compromising their individuality and their values in an effort to please people. They are selling off parts of themselves in order to gain attention and approval. 4's crave deep intimacy, connection and understanding. In the absence of truth and purpose (integration to 1) unhealthy 4's become attention hungry to fill that void. Their sense of identity becomes dangerously amorphous and unstable (the core fear of type 4) according to their own perception; they don’t know who they are apart from others. They rely on love and reflected emotions from others to supplement these perceived gaps in their identity, hence them seeming needy at this stage. They may act either excessively nice to elicit love or "acting out" because a partner’s anger is still a form of attention and care. A middle or low level health 4 is still able to cope by withdrawing and dwelling on their own emotions. But a 4 at this low level is so consumed by self hatred and disgust they now find no peace in their inner world; they seek escape through a savior. If this last attempt to reach out is rejected or fails (often unfortunately the 4’s fault due to their own behavior…they’ve gone too far) the self reproach intensifies into self destruction. Now let’s consider what kind of person the 4 is trying to win over in this state. I don’t think 4’s necessarily pursue people solely because they’re unavailable out of pride like a 2 would (though 4’s do romanticize what they don’t have). 4’s try to keep or win over people that represent something core to the 4’s identity. They may be a key figure in the narrative a 4 tells themselves about their lives (“I am a loving mom, my kids are my world”, “I am a good boyfriend”, “you were my best friend at this point in my life”), it creates a bond of fidelity and commitment similar to a 6 in my opinion. But unlike a 6 it’s not about maintaining allies for support, but preserving a narrative about your life and identity. The figure may also represent an ideal. Something the 4 desperately wants in their own lives but finds lacking (sin of envy). They may represent success, beauty, intelligence, creativity, moral uprightness, courage, any virtue. The unhealthy 4, believing all these things exist outside of themselves, will act 2like to keep people in their lives who reinforce their sense of identity. It is as if they see themselves as only darkness, and the most they can do is stand close to the light, hoping some of it shines in. It is a dark, anxiety-ridden place for a 4 to be and the ultimate confirmation of all their negative self-beliefs. That they are never good enough as they are. Also this is all an example of the 4 defense mechanism of introjection, internalizing feelings and opinions of others, as well as traits in others they both admire and envy. Also that behavior you describe of trying to win someone over so they get off your back reminds me more of compliant 6 behavior, or a withdrawn sp5 or 9 trying to regain peace and solitude. Thank you for your videos Dr. Lahue. I hope you read this and I hope I was able to communicate clearly. Sincerely, An sp4

Type 1: 4:26

I’m a female counter 8 married to a 1. We are actually a lot alike. I scored second highest in 1(only a few points lower than my 8). I don’t have a 7 or 9 wing. I’ve watched your videos on the wings for 8s and neither describe me at all. I’ve taken the Myers Briggs a couple times and I’m a ENTJ or ESTJ, both make sense to me. I don’t put much stock in the Myers Briggs though because it seems like it’s more for corporate America than a stay at home mom like me anyway. I’m thankful for my 8ness, it comes in handy when I’m fighting for my special needs son. I can’t imagine being anything else.

I have an eight dad with anger issues and this is sadly very accurate :(

I think ones and threes are similar in this quirk in the way that they strive for perfection or success but only in the areas they deem important and often totally let other things go. I.e. a one or three who looks fabulous but their house is a wreck.

Thank you for this, my amazing enneagram 1 is struggling right now, and this is a message full of grace 🙂

What is the recommended enneagram test? Is it on your website?

These are Great questions indeed , Tom 👍thanks I ll always remember the powerful question you asked me during a session : « if you were to listen to you , what would you hear? » That really hit me, so much so I use it quite often in my own practice. Merci !

Love this! Love helping myself and other people change the things we can!!

Super! Great explanation, I'm 9w1, but I think that I was 9w8 when I was younger. I heard that wings can change during the lifetime 😊 Thank you 😊 Could you please recommend as well a good source on the internet where I can do an eneagram test for free?

Since i learned what kindness means i immediately started to apply it and i enjoy the o be kind to everyone… Thanks for the video and the reminder 😊

I'd say you are spot on with the self-preserving four, speaking from experience. "You will never know my pain" is not spoken as dramatic or as an invitation for inquiry, it's spoken as a fact.

I loved the video It was hard to understand but it is worth it to apply it Thanks ❤

Through out your presentation I kept saying “Of course! Why wouldn’t you?” Lol

Simple truth, hard practice, but a worthwhile endeavor

Thanks a lot, Tom.

Eerily, correct with the exception of.. I never ever ever touch anyone else’s things. Ever. To need other peoples things is a sign of weakness for one. Two it gives them the upper hand because now you owe them OR they now have the right or think they do to touch MY things. And three I’m only around those I care for and I’d never want to deplete their resources I only add to them. Never take away. Other than that it’s embarrassing how spot on you are about me at least. 😊

Yup 🤣and changing is uncomfortable usually, but changing always makes things better

Did you just just call me a hypocrite? 😫😂😂😂😫😫 omg so true sometimes lol

Turned in my notice yesterday and been overthinking since. I need a change. The new job isn’t going to fix everything, and I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. I’m ready for it, and ready to change! I commented above before video finished. Called out and encouraged as a nine by the need to get uncomfortable. Super encouraged by the fact that I spent the whole month of July withdrawing and reflecting, to come back and ready for change. But also I’m good at withdrawing as a nine. I need a therapy gold star.

Thank you!

Thank you so much!! I finally figured out that I’m a social 9. Your videos are the best. Easy to understand and I love your honest and loving energy.

I would say social 5s look like 7s not 1s. A social 5 is likely to be outgoing and excited about ideas and people. The difference is a 5 is still gonna engage mostly within their interests, and they still are distant. They’re just a bit more out there than a typical 5. And I would say what helps the look of a 7 is that 5s actually have a line to 7 that they might end up more connected to.

What an incredible message to start my day!! I almost feel like you made this just for me. You shared so many nuggets that will help me change my perspective about my relationships. Accepting my face is a perfect metaphor for accepting my realities I have created. Thank you for being a huge voice and mentor in my life at the exact moment in time I need to surrender and become a man worthy of trust. Sam

Let me also say as an 8? My 9 bestie is one of few places I can let my guard down. She is my safe place. As much as she needs my defense? My protection? I need her nurturing.. you 9’s are amazing.. never doubt that..

My lifelong best friend is a 9… I’m a SP 8… she drives me CRAZY 😤😫😫😂

You have an amazing grasp on 8’s. If I ever wanted someone to really know me ( not often lol) I’d definitely send them to your videos!

This video was SO insightful! I am a 9 who has been waking up these past two years! I finally saw the toxicity in my marriage and said enough and filed for divorce. I am now in the process of re-discovering myself (actually, more like discovering for the first time) and as hard as it is, it is a beautiful time in my life. I believe it is because I have finally found a way to tap into my 8 wing and stand up for myself. I praise God for the freedom I am discovering and pray that I can use my new-found boldness to bring peace and harmony to the world around me as you mentioned in your "Hundred Acre Wood" video

As I one I totally agree that I don't want to be criticized...mostly because I am already bashing myself when I know I made a mistake. Self forgiveness is really hard. When I haven't realized the error, I prefer that someone gently asks me my reasoning for doing it that way or they may just ask "have you ever tried it this way?" Believe me when I say I have overthought the solution so much that I can be blind to the fact that there may be more than one way to do something.

5, not the smartest person in the room and I know how to cook. And make tea. I love tea. Also, I'm getting better at conversations. 👍

Alyssa Morissette 🤭 close enough

I’m a counter 8 and my top is quality time. Acts of service is probably second. My husband is a 1 and you nailed it! Words of affirmation is big to my 1. He does so much for all of us all the time, I wish he’d sit down and relax every once in awhile though. I have to remember to tell him how much I appreciate what he does for us and this helps me understand why he needs it more than I do.

As a 5, I felt found out when you gave the example about tea. I never made tea until a few months back when a friend asked.

Wow!¡!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for timestamps!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t ya think 😉

But i m a 9 already! 😂 very overwhelmed 9, even though i have a slow pace

Great video. I think as a 4 INFJ I can over rely on my intuition and, ironically, judge books by their covers. Or I used to when I was less mature.