I wish I had this years ago. My real first name (as opposed to my screen name) is Rachel, is a modernized Hebrew name. I am not Jewish. but when I was in university there was an older Jewish lady in my class who was absolutely convinced I was a closeted Jewish. She then told me that I should meet her son sometime at synagogue and I'd realize why I was Jewish. I'm not really into men that way but not gonna lie that woman was a skilled wingman.
should've known when I met you By the orthodox, synagogue I should've known when I saw you Buying extra lox at the bagel shop I should've known you're not to blame I should've seen We're not the same Doesn't take an Einstein You've got the nose, You've got the name The name is Stein Stein I'm not sure what you want me to do But I think this is worth Working through And I know it's a little bit Out of the blue But I might as well try I think I could be Jewish for you Like on the holidays I'll stop making gingerbread Start making challah When Hanukah comes heck I'll light the mandala Menorah excuse me If you could just choose me I'll sing Eidel Diedel not fa la Yeah, as far culture I might need a clue But I'll give it a shot 'Cause I've gotta be Jewish for you I'll go with you to temple I'll try to learn Yiddish I'll start eating kosher I'll even play quidditch No, that's not a Jew thing Well, show me some new things I won't be the slightest bit skiddish I'll do it by rote till it feels like it's true And till I'm verklempt I'll attempt To be Jewish for you I mean, I would be Irish or Russian Or French, But no, Chinese is a bit of a stretch Just wait even your Rabbi will Call me a mensch Did I mention I've been practicing my kvetch Ohh, I will adapt where the average Girl freezes 'Cause if I have to have the 'Just friends talk' I'll do it with Jesus "Sorry Jesus, you're just not my type" Whatever they are I could learn to like latkes And if we had sons then They'd all have bar matsvahs! BAR MITZVAHS, I'm joking I promise I know things Enough not to ruin Shabbat 'cause If that's what it takes then that's what I'll do Please don't run away And one day I'll be Jewish for you Tell me, you've never questioned one holy command Tell me, don't you think love's More romantic unplanned Tell me you're nervous, We'll start with a service Just tell me where you stand Tell me I need you Tell me in Hebrew Teach me l'chaim And horcrux and oi Just tell me why Instead of hi I'll say shalom Until my hovel, feels like home But I won't say goodbye So here's what I propose.. I'll read through the torah From cover to cover Till even Moses could see We were meant for each other You know I adore you So let me fight for you Together we'll take on your mother It might be a prayer, but a prayer can come true I dare you to dare to me I swear I'll come through But I'm with you and there isn't a thing I can't do So if you're inclined I won't mind Being Jewish for youuuuuu!!!
I should have known when I met you By the Orthodox synagogue I should have known when I saw you Buying extra lox at the bagel shop I should have known You’re not to blame I should have seen We’re not the same Doesn’t take an Einstein You’ve got the nose You’ve got the name The name is Steinstein I’m not sure what you want me to do But I think this worth working through And I know it’s a little bit out of the blue But I might as well try I think I could be Jewish for you Like on holidays I’ll stop baking gingerbread Start baking challah When Hanukkah comes I can light the mandala Menorah Excuse me If you could just choose me I’ll sing eidel deidel not fa la Yeah, as far as the culture I might need a clue But I’ll give it a shot Cuz I’ve got to be Jewish for you I’ll go with you to Temple I’ll try to learn Yiddish I’ll start eating kosher I’ll even play Quidditch No, that’s not a Jew thing Well, show me some new things I won’t be the slightest bit skittish I’ll do it by rote Till it feels like it’s true And till I’m ver clempt I’ll attempt to be Jewish for you I would be Irish or Russian or French or- No, Chinese is a bit of a stretch Just wait even your rabbi will Call me a mensch Did I mention I’ve been practicing my kvetch Oh, I will adapt where the average girl freezes Cuz if I have to have the “just friends” talk I’ll do it with Jesus Sorry, Jesus You’re just not my type Whatever they are I could learn to like latkes And if we have sons Then they’ll all have bar matzvahs Bar mitzvahs I’m joking I promise I know things Enough not to ruin chbotkas If that’s what it takes Then that’s what I’ll do Please don’t run away And one day I’ll be Jewish for you Tell me you’ve never questioned one holy command Tell me don’t you think love’s more romantic unplanned Just tell me you’re nervous We’ll start with a service Just tell me where you stand Tell me I need you Tell me in Hebrew Teach me l’chaim and horcrux and oi Just tell me why Instead of hi I’ll say shalom Till my hovel feels like home But I won’t say goodbye So here’s what I propose I’ll read through the Torah from cover to cover Till even Moses can see we were meant for each other You know I adore you So let me fight for you Together we’ll take on your mother It might be a prayer but A prayer can come true I dare you to dare me I swear I’ll come through When I’m with you there isn’t A thing I can’t do So if you’re inclined I won’t mind being Jewish for you
OLIVE (spoken) Oh, wait. One second. Please sir, could you not sit in that seat? OLIVE I saved a chair for my dad In the eighth row on the aisle And it may take him a while But when he gets here That?s his chair ?Cause my mother?s in an ashram In India I saved a chair for her too But it?s merely symbolic As daily she washes herself in the Ganges And I live in a house Where there?s an oversized dictionary That I read As a girl On the toilet I love my dictionary And I love the indented border Every word?s in alphabetical order Ergo, lost things Always can be found And I wrap my head around The fact that in one book Is the entire language of our species Which is a favorite term of Nicci?s Who?s the great-grandfather of Christina Ricci?s (Laughs) Yes I joke, but the words in the dictionary Are the friends that I?ll have forever More than the friends I have made in school OLIVE My friend the dictionary Is a very reliable friend
