Thank much enjoyed all of your videos on change. I found the first 12-14 months after Wayne passed I did set some rules for myself as I have always been very flexible sometimes needing to take a little “me” time. My main rule was I will not be pushed into anything that I already figured out I wasn’t ready to try. I would make my own decisions on when I will try whatever was being asked of me. I did manage to do a lot of things, pushed onward at a good pace. Then…..the brain begins to come out of the state of shock it was in as nature’s protection. All the things that I didn’t need to remember right away begin to come back in various amounts. I think we need to use a lot of flexibility during this time period. I was moving pretty rapidly with my brain still in shock, death is trauma a form of PTS. I have learned for me beginning in my 14 month out to now at 21 months out that more time is needed to absorb the brain coming out of shock. My moving forward slowed some kind of reality setting in more? I have put some of my rules of not demanding more than I can handle. I recently returned to my place in Florida from my cottage in Michigan. This is my 3rd time I have flown back to Naples since my husband passed. This was the most difficult trip, opening the house up alone with a brain more awake? My return to my cottage last spring was more difficult than the other times a more woke up brain? I had plans for new activities at my cottage accomplished one complete plan, needed to allow more downtime. I am encountering the need for more downtime since returning to Naples also. I do believe this need will diminish overtime and I have enjoyed engaging with my friends here. I think my point of relaying what is going on due to using flexibility in many ways. I think it’s important to not only use our flexibility to more forward, but to be flexible enough slow down when needed. I was so afraid at first I would stall if I stopped more than a minute. I have no intention of not living without purpose. I know God has a plan for me. I have spent a lot of hours helping several friends through the caregiving process as they were nearing Hospice. I am interested in where you go with these videos as your journey continues. Thanks for sharing these 😊
@@BillRRitchie Stay strong Bill, it never goes away but it does become manageable. October 1 she would have been 45 this year .. and another big change for me this year my weekly riding bud .. he will never ride again but he is still alive .. Reinventing ones self after an unexpected change can get a guy down so keeping positive is a must do .. one of my hobbies is creating and editing videos, keeps my mind active. A guy must have things to do or you will go crazy. I do share your channel with all my FB friends, I think people out there need this type of content. Thanks again, be cool, be kind.
Over the last couple years there have been a lot of changes for me. I’m over halfway through getting an AAS in accounting (lots of learning new things there 😆). The biggest changes have been being diagnosed with two different diseases 6 months apart last year (ADPKD, which apparently I was born with, and RA), and being proactive about making even more changes and staying positive. It’s been a challenge, but most days I feel strong and capable. I don’t know what my future holds, but today is a good day.
My brain is so engaged. I believe growth and even happiness are tied to our ability to adapt to the changes life throws at us. Thank you for all of this. Also, I love that you say "start flexing" in change. The definition of Flex is "Bend without breaking". The slang definition of Flex is "to show off or boast". I'm going to use both definitions while navigating change.
Bill can you send me a link to your 1st video? I have a friend whose husband of 61 years passed away a couple of months ago. I would like to share these with her.
This is a great subject, Bill, because we all process differently. I process everything internally, so people never really see what I am thinking or feeling. Because of that, it can take a while to move through and move on. I realize this isn't healthy, so now I ask God "What do I need to learn or do to get through this?" Learning to lean on God and wait for clarity helps me.
That is a wonderful approach. I find that it is oft times easier to do than wait, but it is in the waiting that clarity and direction emerges. Thank you!
Loss of my wife of 13 years to cervix cancer we/she thought was menopause n butt pain in 3 months was only 50 - great suggestions, but it gave me bad insomnia and never had a problem with sleep, took OTC sleep aid till they quit working, we were caregivers for my mom also, at 82, and she had life n death health issues with not sleeping and having to drive, no friends to help, nor family all have their own lives, no way could to do any of these suggestions, being sleep-deprived, only survival mode - we were together 24/7 drama free n loved to be together, done everything together, refuse to take antidepressants, and edit : suffer from survivors guilt :(.. As many do who lose their spouse... to be all out there n act happy without her isn't me, it was a 'we' I miss, the moon n stars no longer shine. But I guess no choice ? How long tho, it has been 13 months for me 8 1 23 So, build the new me on the foundation of joy :) and stay busy planning, n lean on the lord n have thus far - I guess in more time it gets better after year 2 year 3 ? i can b cheerful like this ?
First of all, let me say how sorry i am for your loss. While it's not a loss forever, it's that "between time" that is the challenge, and that's where we are now, for better or worse. The deal is this: we make it better or worse ourselves. I find the silence and aloneness to be the hardest things to deal with. I still say "we, us, our," etc and don't plan to stop. But I also know that until we get together again, which we will, she wants me to make an impact for Jesus with my life, not just be drowning in sorrow. So....I choose joy as best I can and build my life on it.
@@BillRRitchie Thank you - i truly have been drowning in sorrow since she passed :(... and your words of encouragement for one to the other truly is inspirational, 'we make it better or worse ourselves' …so true, yet so hard at times :(... build on the rock and not the sand in the foundations of our joy :) and to help and be there for others, and 'its not a forever loss'' until we are together again and 'believe' will be, thank you so much for your reply, i saw your previous videos after this one and i see you truly are in such pain n suffering, as I'm going through, its so heartbreaking awful, sorry to sound so heartless to your joy in the video, we do need the joy to spread the lords message of hope and believe is the foundation of it all, maybe the purpose of us being left behind is just a test we have to pass, and truly grateful she didn't have to suffer this test if i went 1st, makes me wonder who suffered more, her or me now :( so sorry for your loss :(.. the pain is so unbearable, at times and with the lord and each other is all we truly have :) I didn't know you were a pastor, and I've heard of the crossroads, grew up on billy Graham and Charles stanely - me n my wife were care takers for my grandma as well n helped raised me till she passed in 2017 at 99 1/2 sent home from hospice care and my wife 'april' kept her clean etc..my dad passed in 2012 and others, but always had her to lean on, and her not to lean on with her passing so sudden, they gave us hope till the end never made it to chemo n got blood clots after a kidney tap n hemraged on the op table :(... so awful, to lose the ones we love in this world - May the lord watch over and take care of us and everyone who looks up waiting for the lord - Revelations coming true more n more, take care and may his peace be with us 😇
@@beatleme2 thank you for your transparency. The "grief walk" is neither fun nor easy. I was a 24/7 caretaker for 4.5 years, and rarely slept over 4 hours, and those not together. Yet I would rejoice to still be doing it, as would you. So we are here. They are enjoying what God has ahead, so we need to focus on what God has for us here and now. How can we partner with him to build and express the joy of the Lord, which is our strength? Hopefully I can help with that as I help myself!
@@BillRRitchie thank you, you are a tremendous help n look forward to more videos as we help each other with the lord's help i have leaned on to help since she passed, watching videos of sermons n try to go to church, i found an OTC product that helps verses the antihistamines its called '' sleep formula by Kaya'' and mostly all natural.. avg 4-5 hrs but on days of no sleep forced to take unisom but cant everyday due to tolerance, no sleep and grief is awful :( and yes id do it all over again, im the only one that was there for those who love me over the years, for my parents and grand parents, only the lucky ones gets that it seems, i have no kids tho for me - but leave it to the lord to help when i need that in the future, stay blessed and keep up the good fight for te lord, n spreading the gospel and joy :) i subscribed and looking forward to your next videos, be it joy or letting the pain out also, truly helps.. thanks for your reply and hope we all can help each other, love never can die, the only thing that we can take with us IMHO
Thanks for sharing Bill. This was really good. I think the practical steps is super important. Taking one step at a time. Writing down the things that you are excited about and God has put on your heart and taking a step towards them. Having community even though it’s hard to start.
Have quite a day today and your message was so good. It was a breath of fresh air for me. Every morning my prayer is that God will show me and use me. There are things you shared that I a working on because I see the need in my life for that particular thing. It is really difficult for me, at this point in my life, to have good relationships. Yes, I have lots of friends, or, I should say, I know lots of people, but it is just different without a spouse and moving away from a place I felt at home for so long. Hope this makes sense to you!!!
Thank you, Anne. We all need the fresh air for sure! Might I make a suggestion? If it works, great. How about inviting someone, say a friend from church, over for a cup of tea or whatever? Just time to get to know one another and share lives. If you found another widow, it would help you both to encourage one another, and the Lord knows we need all the encouragement we can get. Have a blessed day!
Thank you for sharing the four points. Bringing order to disorder. So much to that. I ask for the work of my hands be established each day. As my husband's caregiver for his last years until his passing, created a huge void of purpose and focus for me. Yet I'm now waiting for the new direction to be revealed. I too recognize what He's walked me through with the skills and gifts He has equipped me with, however with that I know He will also use this part of the journey to heal and teach me meeting me right where I am. Continue sharing, it's a blessing.🙏♥️🙌📖✝️
It sounds like we are learning very similar things. That's why I'm doing this - so we can all share what we're learning together. How long did you care for our hub? 4.5 yrs for me, and I'd gladly be doing it today as, I'm sure, you would as well. That has been one giant change that has lots of ripples - like realizing you can actually leave the house if you want to! Blessings!
Same here , cared for my angel for 16 months before cancer stole her. She was only 52. We were high school sweethearts. It has been pretty rough since she passed almost 6 mo ago but seems like yesterday. I’ve been staying super busy with projects and work. My daily list is pretty big but it really helps to stay busy. I don’t have much of a social life as far as going out or dating. I’m just too busy bit the loneliness does suck.
It's a hard road, 14 months since my husband of over 60 years passed and there isn't a day that I don't miss him. BUT, I also know that if it had been the other way around, his struggle would have been far greater than mine for many reasons. After this length of time, I am finding that I am trading grief for gratitude. I lived with this blessed soul most of my life, how could I not be in the greatest of gratitude? If one can find that place within, to trade the sorrow for joy and the grief for gratitude more light will come into your life. You can then be a blessing to others when they go through this experience. SO.. be blessed. The trade is worth the price of the pain.
Thank you SO much. One of the couple has to bear this burden so you push on. “I will bear this pain so you didn’t have to.” And the explanation of Jesus words was so comforting and brought inner peace to my soul. God bless you.
There's not a day that goes by when I'm not grieving or in some kind of sorrow. It seems like it's taking so long. My counselor told me the losses are major so it will take more time than I think. One thing I've learned is that anxiety can set in so I cling to the Lord for each day. Normal things can seem like such huge irritants and mountains. Another is when grieving I've been emotionally fragile so I get my feelings hurt or distorted thinking happens. It helps me to be gentle with myself because this process can still be exhausting. With all the deaths there were less people to turn to ending with my best friend and encourager. My cat being killed in front of me by two dogs broke me. That was my "why God?" He was my therapy cat that always knew when to comfort me. Expressing yourself so honestly Bill is the right way, never running from it. Blessings and love. Thank you for this channel. Prayers for you and your family.
Thank you my friend for sharing your heart. I shared this with both of my Sisters who both recently lost a child. You have helped so many people. God bless you💙
Nail on the head! 44 yrs together. 2yrs ago we parted. We lost our infant son. That was heart rendering But we had each other ( and of course Jesus). When Dave passed, half of me was gone. Yes it is a process...in this process my Savior is truly showing me He is my Husband as His Word says. I have just recently come to asking now what my assignment is . As wife and mother all these yrs it was so clear and defined by His Word. Again, this season i find myself in, He leads me in His Word. I am studying through the Titus older woman responsibility and role as well as other women of the Bible He is spotlighting for me in my quiet time. Thank you for this channel Pastor Bill. And thank you for sharing the alternative understanding of marriage in heaven. I so desire to be united again to together in God's presence. Blessings 🙏❤️📖✝️
@@focusonthefuture582 no problem on that. It is part of the process, healing, learning, trusting, growing. Two steps forward three steps back. Long pauses. It's all His timing, His way. I'm following to His lead. I'm in no hurry. One day at a time truly
I wish I had a friend like you in my life pastor. At this moment I can only imagine what you are going through and even the very thought of that terrifies me to my core. I hope one day to have the faith you have in God, I am struggling very much with that at the moment but I am truly happy to see amazing people like you still exist and you give me hope. I have my wife but I do not have kids, she is my world and I absolutely love her just as you did your beautiful wife .I can almost feel your pain through this stupid phone screen and I’m very sorry for you. I sincerely hope you find peace . ❤❤ Please pray for me if you can but only if you manage to find a brief moment without the terrible hurt.
Thanks Bill for sharing your heart. I miss the fact that I can no longer share my hopes, my dreams and even my plans and schemes with my person. I just want to be held when my tears fall like rain.
Well my friend...I would like to tell you that I have done it perfectly and with grace, but that would not be true. There have been moments I have done this grief thing well and other moments not so much. After David died, I started having men ask me out right and left. I received so much attention, but not what I needed. I did date a bit, but was extremely disappointed as my expectations are high and I was definitely not ready. I pretty much stopped dating and focused on self validation instead of other validation. At the 3 month mark I went back to Church again. Everyone was so supportive, loved on me and healing began. I know I will never be the same...but that's ok. I want to becme an even better version of myself. I feel like I am reinventing me. I just know deep in my heart and soul God left me here for a purpose(s). And what am I going to do with that?
In my life, I have gleaned truths in unusual places. For instance (although I don’t subscribe to him) Khalil Gibran remarked: “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” (The deeper the love, the greater the sorrow). And also, for babies and marriages and children who are lost-that “deep love” also encompasses the dreams, goals, hopes and expectations that are no longer viable. We grieve deeply for all of it.
@@BillRRitchie not as personal as you. My Mom passed 2 years ago suddenly in October. Has left a hole in our family. We have journeyed the last 24 years with the sudden loss of my Mother-in-law. That one has been a longer time spent on that journey and have watched family members deal with all of the emotions. I really value your conversation and my father-in-law went through and has been since remarried, but went through and expressed not being able to have nthe “female side“ of the conversation. Love you, Bill.
Praying for you and family. These authentic conversations are so encouraging. The real hope in God’s love and promises can be heard in your words even through your expression of grief. God has you. All glory is His as Betty’s beautiful life is shared with all of us through you. She is still blessing people, and so are you. Thank you for enduring.
Thank you for the kind words. I just want for all of us to help each other process change, especially through tough situations. Hopefully the lessons that I am learning can be helpful for others along the journey.
So glad I got to attend such a powerful celebration of life service for her today. What a saint you were married to! I understand pre-grief. My mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was in middle school and finally died from it when I was 37. It was a very long decline and she was bed-ridden for several years. It was an honor for my brother and me to care for her after my dad passed. In some ways it was a relief when she passed because her pain and suffering were finally over. So now you have the tension of being glad she's more alive than ever with Jesus, while missing her terribly at the same time. I remember you preaching years ago that it can feel like one's right arm gets ripped off when one's spouse dies, so I'm sorry for the loss of your "arm." I pray the Holy Spirit's comfort and strength for you and your family in the deepest way possible.
I think if I were to preach that same sermon again, I'd say it feels like half your body is gone. "The two become one flesh"" is a real thing, believe me. God is saying a whole lot more there than most realize. So how did you process that grief and change in your own life in those first few weeks and months?
@@BillRRitchie It was much less severe than when I went through a divorce. With my mom, it wasn't that bad since we knew for years that the MS would eventually take her, so we had a long time to adjust to it. As I said, it was actually a relief because it was hard watching her suffer for so long and being helpless to remove her pain. But the divorce was absolutely gut wrenching. Even though we had a hard marriage, it still absolutely sucked when she left. I know what you mean about half your body being gone. I would have done anything to keep it alive. I deliberately didn't date for a few years since I knew I needed time to heal from it. Job circumstances led me to Minneapolis in winter. The loneliness and grief coupled with the miserable winter resulted in me reverting to some sinful behaviors, so I joined a DivorceCare and recovery group, and those helped. When I moved back to Vancouver almost two years later, I went to a super powerful HeartChange workshop, which I highly recommend to anyone. Even though I had forgiven her the best I could, one exercise revealed I still had some unresolved bitterness toward her, and Jesus really used that to set me free. She still comes up in my thoughts at times, but it has diminished more and more over time. Obviously, it's different for you since you lost your wife to death instead of divorce, and you had a wonderful marriage. I don't know if you're a support group kind of guy, but I know being able to process it with others face to face was very helpful for me.
Pre-grief…I know a lot about that. My best friend (husband) was diagnosed with spinocerebellar ataxia type 8-3 weeks before we were married. We went through more in the first 2 years of our journey than some do in an entire earthly lifetime. And I’m a nurse who works with ventilated patients during a respiratory pandemic….pre-grief…I call it PTSD: Pre traumatic stress disorder. I thank God that he’s with us and carrying us through every moment of every day.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop is it's own form of stress for certain. In a sense, you're already on the journey, processing things you never would have considered.
Something that I've come to realize recently....In our day-to-day lives, we experience a whole range of emotions. Most of these we experience and practice almost daily, joy, anger, fear, pleasure, excitement, and sadness. Grief is a powerful emotion, and thank God, not one that is routine in our daily lives. Humans are inexperienced dealing with grief and our emotional response to it is deeper than most others. Sadly, our family has been, what seems, unfairly burdened with grief over the past year and a half. Cathy lost her mother last year and just recently her father and younger brother died within days of one another. While this might seem cliche PB, we honestly feel your pain. Your loss and the resulting grief are enormous. My friend, the Abshire family will continue praying for you and your family and that your memories will forever bring you JOY.
Wow, that is quite a load for Cathy to carry for sure. It's a blessing we can journey together. I'd love for her to share the insights she is gaining as she moves forward without those who have been such a basic part of her life.
Having moved from Vancouver, WA to Yukon, OK has been a stressful experience. I wish I saw this video before I had to organize my move. I wouldn’t have lost some hair. Would of slept more hours.
My Brother and his Family moved to Yukon, Oklahoma. So, I have to follow too. It was stressful getting everything organized and now that I am here, it wasn’t too bad. But, lots of changes. Whew!!!
I feel for you Bill, losing the love of your life of 65 years is just unimaginable. I know that we will all inevitably have to experience a similar path as we all age and I appreciate your sharing in such a genuine, thoughtful way. You are a gift! 🥰
