I needed this... I'm still facing the fear of being swallowed and stuck in the experience, I loose sight of the gains or rather.. I minimize them, my inner critic keeps saying it's not good enough. You're description is useful in managing my expectations
So true. Having a grounding technique imposed is a 'do to' dynamic and highlights a power imbalance. The dynamics of trauma... our bodies being 'done to'. And recovery is the reversal of the dynamics of trauma. Another fab video as always Carolyn.
This is so validating! The accusations of lying based on lack of emotion during the recounting of horrific event are so harmful and damaging. Thank you for educating in such a strengths based way
I am still learning about this, as needs were never met, never addressed, period. I don’t think I realized one could “want” something until my mid-forties, something like that.
Grounding can be helpful, to end the session. It is important if someone is driving afterwards too, to keep them safe at an ending. I work face to face so always have to consider this, if the client needs a glass of water or some time in the waiting area before leaving the building.
Resonates so much! Would feel shame that I was ‘being difficult’ at the end of the session! Then found a therapist who understood that and made the session ending variable according to how I was.
But how? You say things so well, and hit everything right on the head. For me at least. But how? I don’t want to be a bad client. I know in my big brain that the therapist has other people. I wouldn’t want my time being used by someone else. But that doesn’t connect across. And I don’t know what would help either. After 10+ years of therapy, I am no closer to making that end any easier. And it’s not just in therapy. Any ending brings hours of distress. What am I missing?
Oh no , that sounds very difficult. I think for a while show yourself some compassion and acceptance instead of trying to get over that. Endings are very painful, and it's understandable to feel scared to be alone. But we also get better at it with time as we desensitize. Resisting can make it worse. Perhaps having a safe space or ritual to transition to immediately after ? Or setting a timer building up to the end to transition more gradually ? I wish you all the best I hope it works out for you ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Yep. I also think self compassion and acceptance may be missing? Can't go from distress to distraction without it. Hang in there, value what you are doing and how hard you are working. ❤
I work as a Music Psychotherapist in an NHS Mental Health and Learning Disability Trust, specialising in trauma work. Most of my sessions are an hour a week - that's all we can offer really, and enable me to see the same clients every week at the same time, though I did work with a client for 90 minutes a week for a while. I co-facilitate a group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and this is more intense. There is a weekly 2.5 hour group, and then the men have weekly sessions with someone else in between. This is a 32 week programme 9it was 12 weeks, then 16, but the feedback from the men was they wanted more, even though they were apprehensive about the length of the group at the beginning. I always enjoy listening to your engaging talks Carolyn, you have a gift for expressing the complex in a way that is easy to grasp, and with compassion borne of experience.
we do so much daily that twice a week has been necessary, every once and a while I get there and realize "yeah I don't have much to say yet, here's what I'm still processing from last time" but that's pretty rare - so yeah ^^ just sharing our experience, and for us it often doesn't anesthetize much, and we've caught a lot of switches/experiences that I'm not sure we would have had they been more infrequent and easier to mask for. Not that I want to be masking but it's hard not to with something unfamiliar and the dissociation makes it really hard for once a week things to feel familiar.
Thank you for your videos. I'm learning so much about what decent therapy should be like. It helps me understand that my past experiences in therapy were really not great at all. This brings up a lot of emotions. It's hard to stick with them and not dissociate. In the end though, it leaves me with a lot of hope for my healing in the future because I can see that I'm not broken and a lost cause at all. I've just not understood so much about myself and not been seen or cared about by another in a helpful way yet. I was right to feel uncomfortable and not safe, as past therapists really didn't know how to work helpfully with me and were, in a lot of ways really wrong and sometimes just plain unprofessional.
I usually have a chat with my client before we even start the initial sessions and we gauge how we should start, and I'm clear about what work they need to do in-between sessions. Sometimes I go over the hour, and I fine with it, they have something to say, and can't wait until next time. I don't want them to lose their flow. As we go, I ask my client if they feel that once a week is working for them, they have a choice to put their case forward. Then we can trial it, see if it works etc. As therapists, we also need to have boundaries so we can take time out too, but I do tell my clients to reach out if needed, but they also need a break from me too, which is standard, haha, but in a nice way. A good rapport between client and therapist is also key.
This makes complete sense Carolyn & thanks for being brave enough to talk about this subject of timing & frequency of sessions 👍I think it’s difficult one when your organisation dictates how often you see a client & for how long…….. I’m fortunate most of the time to see a client who really needs weekly they can rather than every 2 weeks……. Sometimes if I can I will go over the hour if a client needs safeguarding which takes time….. but I have to limit the time as the therapeutic hour is there for you as a therapist otherwise I find I cannot give my best of myself & become exhausted. I will be congruent with clients who want more time and say the hour is a boundary for both of us……. I also believe quite strongly that as a therapist to have some time between sessions is good practice for yourself & for the next client……..maybe do a podcast on why we have boundaries may be good to hear from you Carolyn & always appreciate your thoughts on these podcasts. 😊
This makes complete sense Carolyn & thanks for being brave enough to talk about this subject of timing & frequency of sessions 👍I think it’s difficult one when your organisation dictates how often you see a client & for how long…….. I’m fortunate most of the time to see a client who really needs weekly they can rather than every 2 weeks……. Sometimes if I can I will go over the hour if a client needs safeguarding which takes time….. but I have to limit the time as the therapeutic hour is there for you as a therapist otherwise I find I cannot give my best of myself & become exhausted. I will be congruent with clients who want more time and say the hour is a boundary for both of us……. I also believe quite strongly that as a therapist to have some time between sessions is good practice for yourself & for the next client……..maybe do a podcast on why we have boundaries may be good to hear from you Carolyn & always appreciate your thoughts on these podcasts. 😊
It sounds like you have an excellent therapist! Thank you for this insight! I’ve been with my current therapist for three and a half years and I’m starting to become beyond frustrated, now that I’m starting to learn what good therapy looks like. I’ve been looking for someone new for a while, but I haven’t been able to find anyone in my province that deals with my specific diagnoses. With my current therapist, I was referred out to her because she’s trained in emdr, however after all of this time, we haven’t even started that. Our sessions are primarily bi-weekly, except for in the Summer, December and January, where they’re once a month due to her vacation schedule and holidays. I’ve _never_ been given homework or exercises from her. Because I’m her first session of the week, she starts off with asking me how my weekend was and how the people in my life are. I try to bring it around to the items that I want and need to discuss, however we might only talk about actual pressing trauma matters about five times a year. It is VERY frustrating to say the least! I get more insight and practical advice out of talking with my best friend than my therapist, who’s a psychologist. Any advice, tips or tricks you can offer would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
I have to say I disagree with you. Clients should have the right to request additional sessions whenever they want, and the therapist should allow it unless there is a valid reason to not do it. By giving the power to the therapist, you are keeping the client disempowered. Every person with complex trauma is in a different place. Some people need more support from a therapist and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t mean a client isn’t working in between sessions or that the client is “dependent“ on the therapist. Having longer sessions or two or more sessions a week is typically coming from a place of extreme privilege. Let’s not make assumptions about what is right for someone else just because something was right for you. And you may think you presented it that way to the therapist who listen to you, but you mostly steered them to a place of taking the power away from the client and only doing once a week so the client doesn’t become dependent or not work hard enough. If a client says they need more support, give it to them. They know best.
That's one thing I have extreme trauma with, as a child and with healthcare "professionals"; them robbing me of my power to have a say over my life. These days I slip away like an eel in an oil slick if I sense the therapist, a doctor or anybody else trying to control me, even if ever so slightly as denying me a service that I think I need. Unless they can reasonably explain it to me why they can't offer it, and excuses such as "you get dependent on me" won't do, because that itself smells of a bit grandiose attitude on the side of the therapist, or alternatively their lack of experience on how to empower people to rely on themselves and the process of healing, not the therapist themselves. No matter how many sessions the client may feel like they need.
@@ruthm1384 I feel ya. I can’t tolerate anyone like a doctor having any control over me. It is extremely triggering. I am so very grateful I currently have a therapist who believes I have a right to request the help I need, and also that I know best. That does a lot to give me some sense of control over my life.
I agree, I can ask for a second session when needed or wanted. The benefits are that I feel a continuation in the relationship, making it easier to go deeper. I am more regulated and, therefore, able to do the work between sessions. I see more growth due to being able to have additional sessions.
Agreed. I had a very long reply written out (and lost internet so it was deleted). I was told that some dependency is a good thing and needed (especially since DID goes along with attachment issues). That we need some dependency to develop the secure attachment then to move forward. For me, I am wasting time reestablishing a connection each week and getting no work done. It's infuriating. I used to have 2, 2hour sessions per week (for 5 years. It is my sweet spot). Then (with a different therapist), I had 4, 1 hour sessions. I ended up terminated by both. So now with my trauma from therapy, I struggle to develop a relationship with the therapist to trust them enough to do the deep work. And I work constantly outside of sessions to apply the things. I research and look up my own ways to help myself. I'm currently seeing 4 different therapists because I can't find a good one who will work with me more than 1 hour a week.
@@jaykaytherapy how disempowering that they don’t trust you enough to allow you to choose how much therapy you want to do. I hope there is someone you haven’t discovered yet who gets the importance of empowering clients.
Thank you that was very insightful. I find hour long sessions really difficult because I am only just getting comfortable to disclose things and then it’s time to stop. I am curious how long a session you found helpful to get the “roots to go deeper” Thank you
Miss Caroline I stuffed sexual abuse at the age of 8 I had counselling and now some one I have met recommend listening to you and wow it's all makes things easier an clearer to me thank you 💕 an thank you who recommended me to listen to you god bless i know I now I'm not to blame it wasnt my fault When I get these feelings i acknowledge them yes there there but I don't let them take over me no more I know im safe im an adult now it's just a thought I don't let it overcome me god bless you miss Rhys x
Subscribed. I learned more about my own dissociation from this brief video, than I’ve learned anywhere else. By relating what you’ve said here with how my own therapist responds when I dissociate, I just gained a really helpful insight about what dissociation feels like for me. Because, as you said, when I do it, I lose awareness of myself and my physiology…but the irony is that I become highly activated in the intellectual aspect of my mind, which can feel like awareness. That means I don’t notice that I’m not aware of so much. My therapist actually does what you are advocating here. Now I understand better what’s going on in those passages.
Makes complete sense that trauma survivors become accustomed to danger and feel safer when in danger due to familiarity. It also gives an explanation as to why trauma survivors might go from one unsafe situation to another that may seem less unsafe.
So informative. And not only helpful from the more practical POV, but also reminds those of us with our own experiences of dissociation to stay really close to the client’s frame of reference rather than retreating into our own.
Curious, with dissociation vs switching. Often, my experience, there can be a drifting phase before switching. As if, there's an external conversation, and I'm trying to fight a type of exhaustive sleepiness, am seriously fighting to stay present. Gradually everything including external sounds, are becoming more distant. Then darkness. I am fighting so hard to stay present, am not sure i would notice my therapist. This dissociative transition phase internally feels long, but i have no idea of the external time, is it seconds, minutes? Other times, there doesn't seem to be a transition phase. So my question is. How to determine a lower spectrum of dissociation vs a switch. And dies it matter?
As a person with dissociation, I greatly appreciate your videos. They really ring true. I hope that more therapists see your videos. They would truly benefit from these real world examples and knowledge. Thank you. 😊
This really resonates within. Have not met a therapist who could find a way to connect with us when that happened. Every attempt was perceived as a threat and not doing anything but sitting silently was not any better. Therapist has to leave the room before we could begin to function enough to get away. Would love to see a part 2 addressing how to handle the situation.
I'm guessing this could explain why a therapist simply sitting still and being silent doesn't compute as 'being safe'. Rather it felt like being watched by a predator. After months of this approach I was a mess. Still feel like I was the one who failed at therapy and have kinda lost hope that I do therapy.
In 12-step meetings, there are many pithy sayings to support mental health. One I remember is, "Feelings are not facts." I struggled with this one because it sounded dismissive to emotions, but it aligns with what you're talking about. My biggest tool for healing is metacognition. Thinking about my thinking. I think something and then ask myself, really? Is that accurate? I love this video and enjoying you LI account. I am a currently a BSW student with my own dx. LOVE that last bit esp--I'll keep that as a "pearl"--Will not ask my clients to walk a path I'm not on myself.
If someone told me ‘it’s just a flashback’ I think I’d feel like they had no clue what it’s like. Reliving the worst moments of my life is not something I’d attribute the word ‘just’ to. Normalising them sure, but not ‘just’ a flashback. They are mentally and physically exhausting, especially if they go on for a long time. I choose to see them as a sign of healing, that my brain knows intuitively I can handle these moments of my life now. But I also know they can be a sign of self harm so it’s more nuanced sometimes.
Kia ora. I was wanting to say I love your talks amd was wondering if you are please able to help me find a suitable therapist specializing in DID IN AOTEAROA NEW ZEALAND thank you so much arohatinonui michelle
This is a great video of thank you. Whenever I feel triggered, or just shame around other people like I don't belong or I'm not liked or going to be humiliated etc I am always being told by my therapist to change my thoughts, when sometimes I don't actually think anything, I just FEEL it. If they point out how I feel might not be based on reality, I just get really confused and stressed 😞. It's as if, unless I can ask the other people what they are really thinking about me, I can't believe they would be thinking anything good at all. It's too hard 😔
I absolutely love this perspective and it has motivated me to nudge myself to go further, and my clients to keep trying! Thank you 🙂 Great takeaway that 'grieving' is different to 'complaining', and that clients who identify with their victim need to be guided towards the former.
