I found out about the affair 20 years in and since it wasn't the first time (the others were texts and smaller but this was THE full blown affair) I followed through on my promise if I ever caught it again I would LEAVE and I did and I divorced him. I now have 6 years behind me and slowly while I have taken the time to heal......I realized it was going on the WHOLE 20 years. I cannot believe the extremely clear red flags literally in front of my eyes and I just let it go it's almost like I didn't even want to know. I NEVER looked at his phone or PC but when I finally did one day he noticed I had it and nearly broke down the bathroom door to get it back. Even then I still didn't act or start paying attention but I KNEW in the back of my mind but kept it in the back of my mind we were SO in love in my mind. I can go on for hours typing, I should have left before I ever even got married I just didn't know what I didn''t know. He was GOOD at lying and hiding. There were times he didn't even try to hide it or he messed up bad like I had come home from a business trip and found an entire drawer of paddles and toys, really weird stuff. I brought him in and asked and he shrugged it off and said well you know I like certain things and you were traveling. I actually DIDN'T know but just decided to accept his behavior. PAY ATTENTION. If you sense something or catch a small lie even, its HAPPENING. Follow your instinct and watch.
❤❤❤❤🥰 Well, you can fix that one 🙂 By acting in the opposite way if it's not too late 😞 When we reach their breaking point and they want nothing to do with us because our presence makes them sick 🤢 It's too late to apologize 🤨🧐💩🤭🤢😳🙊🙉🙈🚨🚨🚨 in those cases 🚨 The best thing we can do, is to leave them alone to heal from the damage we've done and never do that to anyone again 😡🌩️ That's all we can do sometimes 🤢😳 and learn our lessons the Hard way 🤢😳and if we Repented for it and stop causing harm that way to others, Father is Merciful to forgive and forget 🙂 So it gives us peace of mind that Father doesn't hold it against us anymore and Satan can't accuse us about it ☝️🐑😇😁😂😏💩🤭😘😁 Hope it helps with discernment a bit more 🙂🔥🙌☝️🐑😇😁🌞💖🌾🤗🙄😍🤩🥳📯 and glad you caught yourself before it was too late 😔🙂😉
@@RawMotivations 18 years. He broke up with me about 4 weeks ago. Silent treatment off and on for years and then contact and see on vacations and last Christmas asked me to come back to his state and when I tried he kept making it difficult to know what to do because he was barely supportive about a job offer and then when I got a raise on the current job he said good job. You will be happier there. And the back and forth was always there with hot and cold and ultimatums. I finally left to push for him to realize it was not me who was making him miserable. To make him see and choose what he wanted.. five years of long distance relationship and then telling me to come home. Then because I was an hour and a half away from him visiting family in a nearby state .. I asked to see him .. the same song of begging and then he agrees with stipulations.. and was cold during the vacation together and mean and in and out with no affection but minimum.. I left crushed .. drove over 1500 miles back home and this last trip he said he couldn’t see me because he had tickets to a game and when I got upset he called and said for me to get my own phone account and he’d get his own car insurance and it was over . “I don’t need you” in my life. And fuck you with all my fuck you..’s like he heard me all the times I screamed fuck you songs while crying and raging in my car. I swear he has spyware. But I am severely traumatized and my story has to be one of the most demeaning things a person could feel. The begging and pleading for him to stop being mean and apologizing for his behavior for him. His lack of affection and ghosting and vindictive attitude for things I was blamed for and things I never did because there was nothing I could do about anything.. but live in limbo. I’d order door dash and spend about 60 dollars on a big meal for him on his birthday or Father’s Day.. he’d be at odds with his son and lash out at me. He’d be texting every 2 minutes about where is his order and when is it arriving and act all pissy at me with the delays and then act like I can’t even order a meal right.. because the driver would go get another order and drop that one on their way .. etc etc and then only speak to me about his food and text thank you. And then nothing. No phone call. No conversation. Just thank you.. it was good. Or it hit the spot or they forgot part of the order. Then I’d get some random reel from Instagram that had nothing to do with anything meaningful and it was empty as hell. Then I got songs.. you are the love of my life. And losing someone over foolish pride. I mean I am trying to believe it’s not over. Because this is the first time in 18 years we ever stopped being on the same phone bill and car insurance bc the plan was always for him to move here or me back there. I want to know the truth if he has met someone he has chosen or he just wants to move on. Or he loves me and knows he has to stop hurting me. He has lost both his parents, is not in touch with his son or his family members and is raging with everyone at work. So, he got hurt by his son on Father’s Day and they have not spoken since. He won’t answer calls or texts and blocked me on instagram after following and viewing every single post I made every single day hour to hour he was there. Maybe to just read my location .. but since the break up .. nothing. I feel like I am dying not knowing why. If I knew why.. if I knew there was someone else .. I 100 percent would accept this. I can not tolerate any other person or picture him being with someone else. I feel he could absolutely not love anyone the way he loves me. But if there is someone else I damn well would be 100% done. I don’t do unfaithful and I can’t let go of a love story. But that .. would be the end. Here I am in limbo waiting for his return. The pain is me and the love is me. It’s always all me holding it together. Now I can’t even function without my body and mind in pain. I get through the work week. I am good at my job. But everything hurts. I can’t escape the constant physical pain and emotional grief . There is never a moment he is not in my presence or dreams or thoughts. I move forward through one task to the next as though he can see me. Like my mind has a virus. I have followed narcissistic abuse teachers for 15 of the 18 years. Dr. Romney. Sam V. So many things. Self care and self love and being with family and looking for the best in life. It’s tainted . I go in circles. Here I am. Wishing I could have the fantasy we shared back. The Wizard of Oz is who I see. A man behind a curtain who has kindness and love in his fantasies and desires for love but he uses loud voices and fake words and scenarios.. and the power was always with me to go home .. I am torn. He makes me choose over myself and my family and my own sons. He expects me to earn a certain amount of money and live wealthy as his parents were.. and I have lived in poverty and worked all my life to have a career and be independent but struggling financially on my own. He makes demands and I meet them then he changes the demands and points out flaws or problems that are not there.. I’m crazy. I am near retirement and I don’t own a single thing. I just paid bills for other people all my life. I can support myself. All I wanted was love.
It may feel like you will die, but you wont. I have been there. It's been 2 years. Though I am still healing, I'm no where near where I was when the breakaway happened. God broke the trauma bond for me and helped me heal. He can do the same for you as well. I will pray you are healed and renewed, that this trauma bond is broken in Jesus's name
@@Sy-xu2yw thank you. Please do pray. I prayed for God to make him love me. I prayed for God to end this pain. I’m not wanting to lose him. I can’t accept it. I hate that about myself. I am convinced he loves me and needs me and my love can fix everything. It’s a shame. I don’t want to date because I don’t let go. God helped me by him ending it. He broke up with me because I could never do it. Here I am not accepting it.
I hope you keep sharing your experiences, your knowledge, & your content, for a long time to come! After watching you, Lee Hammock, and a few others, I finally knew it was time to put up, and stand on, my boundaries. THANK YOU!!💯
@@RawMotivations I have been very interested for quite some time but, b/c I’m nearly 60 yrs old, and have been through so much therapy over the years already, for early childhood trauma, I’ve been too embarrassed to move forward and reach out.
Thank you for all your help. And this is sooo true. I just started exercising this and I'm no contact for the hundredth time. I cut him off and I really am feeling stress free and happier alone. 🤷🏾♀️ And I love your new look 😍👍🏾
They are moving targets. Shame I can’t be arsed (bothered) to target mine. Always need the reminders though until I finally see him through … fading fast.
The whole time it wasn’t that I thought he didn’t care.. my train of thought was am I not expressing myself clear enough, are my emotions hard to read? How come he isn’t listening to me? He would say he was feeling how I was feeling and that I was happy about it… I thought? What! You wanted me to leave? I thought you’d be the happy one? 😂
I had to take some time because I was getting headaches not knowing what was happening. Now I think him and his mum really wanted to protect the imagine of the family even if it meant hurting a lot of people.
I really like that you delineated number 4… The object cheating. My fiancé got obsessed with a weight loss journey and running and put that so far above me. He started getting real interested in one of my relatives because they were a runner. He didn’t contact me for 2 1/2 months and when he did he said are we still together? Are you willing to do the work? He only came back to me because I told my relative how much it was hurting me that she was running with him. She stopped providing him with ““ supply and then he came to me wanting to know if I would work on things lol. Needless to say He is no longer my fiancé and I will never talk to him again. It would be a waste of time
I listed 20 Characteristics I loved about mine to his face in a loving way. He basked. I asked if he had anything nice to say about me. Silence and then… “I sometimes think nice things about you, but I’d feel silly telling you.” I said-you can’t tell me one thing? And then… with that cold anger beneath the surface.. he said -defensively; “I tell you you’re pretty and that I love you.” We broke up two days later.
"Weird", "abstract"......yep! Getting close to a healthy guy always felt like being lost in space, with no foothold. Very disorientating and frightening, beyond my ability to cope. The first time I experienced mutual love in an ongoing relationship was as a mother. But you're right when you say that you can't pour from an empty glass. That why it's so important that you're passionate about emphasising self-care: for many years I often didn't recognise when I was bullied, harassed or put down unless it was obviously out of order. By that point I was usually too deep in a situation (work/'friendship'/romance,...) to free myself from it easily. However, once I learned to practice conscious, regular self-care I started breathing more freely and over time, became more aware of the difference between kindness and unkindness (sounds weird, I know). I learned to put people in two categories: nourishing and depleting. Then I became able to make decisions about who should be close to me and who shouldn't. Everyone can learn self-care. Easy little steps at first, making them regular, then a habit, lastly, a priority. Thank you for emphasising it because it's the first lifeline that someone can grasp, on their way towards the light.
Is this even worth it with someone who's not self-aware? Why is there not even a broad initiative/effort to promote self-awareness as an effective treatment/management strategy? Not enough evidence for it?
This is good info but how do I get to where I can stand people? I was married to a malignant and he got rid of everyone I cared about so if the best people are like that then anyone can be like that. For years I thought that people I loved felt the same way but instead I got erased and bullied.
Yep my NARC husband now travels for work, how convenient for him! His behaviors DRAMATICALLY CHANGED & I have become public enemy #1. After 27 years of marriage I will be starting from scratch...wtf! Working on finding a job 1st then the exit strategy
The Narcissist is an opportunist and has the ability to create opportunities with individuals at any given moment at any given location. You'd be very surprised just how many sexual encounters they can create on any given day.
I'm struggling with this right now! I can not thank you enough for you & your videos. Because of your work, I have become educated and highly aware of exactly WHAT has been happening to myself and my children. This is the absolute most difficult & dangerous event I have EVER had, & am currently, going through in my life, & I served 15 years in the military. This is more damaging than ANY combat situations I have ever been in!
The ex narc kept putting the song he wrote about me on RU-vid ! Got fed up so i put thumbs down and hes stopped, thank goodness . I. Still staying no contact!
