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That's not a true story. People don't take swords on a mountain climbing expedition. The whole thing reads like a 12 year old who has just finished their first Lovecraft anthology wanted to write a horror story.
Love, you gotta *tell us* what happened. I understand you might be going for that vague, eldritch-style of horror, but that doesn’t work here. This story is just “they went in the house, got scared, and left” but stretched out for a 500 word essay Let us meet the characters! *Who* are Sarah and Mark? How do they react to what’s happening around them? How do they react to each other? How hard are they fighting to survive this? Who are they outside of this? If we feel like Sarah and Mark are living people, then we will fear for them like they are Tell us what happened! Use those super-detailed descriptions of yours on something *other* than the physical area; we shouldn’t have to try and guess what happened. You imply human sacrifice (that’s what I got from the mentions of a ritual and tortured souls), but what was the sacrifice for? Why was there one? Who was doing it? Was the it Hawthornes, or were they just the ones who discovered it? (Honestly, you could take any mention of the Hawthornes out and the story would be the same-they’re just there as foreshadowing). Why would the tortured souls attack two random people-what’s their motivation? Why is the town covering it up and hiding it? This could be an amazingly terrifying story-you have the skills to make every detail disturbingly vivid, to make the audience feel like we’re there-but you have to put more into it
