The Ananias Foundation provides guidance and encouragement for individuals who have committed acts of domestic violence or abuse but desire transformative change. For more, please visit our website: www.ananiasfoundation.org
Thank you - uncomfortable admitting we are facing this situation. This is the most rational, helpful piece I have found. It is hard to admit to being a victim of abuse and also accept my place in the cycle.
I think I see now why I haven't been able to break free of my selfishness to care more about others. It was in your last line that you said being told to stop being so selfish doesn't help but being confident that our needs will be met frees us up to be more generous with others and not so focused on our own needs. I have been told all my life that I'm being selfish when I try to connect with people by sharing my vulnerabilities and neediness. I don't know how to meet my own needs; I was never taught that in childhood. My neediness was punished, and I was exiled to my room to cry alone. It seems that the cycle has continued throughout my life into all my significant relationships. I am the selfish one, and I am exiled for being needy. I haven't been able to get to the place of feeling confident that my needs will be met outside of relationships because I am always so depleted. How do I break out of this cycle? Stop sharing my needs and vulnerabilities with others? If my biggest need is to connect deeply with people, how do I do that without exposing my needs?
I'm defensive. When I'm learning to stop being defensive, to accept the feedback but not necessarily decide it's true, i always feel i need to set the record straight. Is it just something to give up, or is there a thoughtful way to address accusations or generalizations that don't acknowledge the work I'm doing? I feel so unseen, but pointing out my effort is deflecting/correcting the feedback and isn't helping. 11:29
Thank you very much for allowing me to join the journey to become a better version of myslef. For me. For my family. For my friends. For my work colleagues.
Halfway through the book and it’s been very relieving to read that I’m not alone in my struggles. It took many many years and for me to hit rock bottom by my wife leaving recently for me to realize I don’t just have an anger problem, I am abusive. Thank you!
This whole series has been a big help to me. Im halfway through but I come back to earlier videos like this one. You deserve a lot more views. I found the series by googling if reconciliation is possible after domestic violence. I am (or like to say WAS!) an abuser who messed up big time and I hit rock bottom - the pain really woke me up. But there is so much negativity about us and bout the fact that we can change, too many instiutions even goverment ones will say that we cant change but its not true. Your Foundation and videos offer hope and are of great help so thank you very much for this!
The concept of an equal partner is asinine. One person always takes control over the decision making process, and that should be based on who will be taking responsibility for those decisions. If it doesn't effect you, or you don't want the responsibility associated with said decision, you should not be the one making it. You also should not be keeping score because you have no clue what doing the other person's job will do to you. Respect is what everyone wants and deserves.
Agree that if it doesn't affect you, you should not make the decision. For example, I decided to wear a blue shirt today--no need to get input from my partner on that decision. Plus, that would be crossing (violating) natural boundaries if my partner expected to have a say. However, there are many decisions that affect BOTH partners, which is where each partner having an equal say becomes critical in maintaining a healthy relationship where both feel they have agency. For example, where to live if they live together, how to raise their children (assuming they both care), or how their joint financial resources are spent.
I like the pauses, you gave adequate time to process. That’s seriously important to me. I’m going to play this for him, he’s already apologized but he pushed me to apologize for MY actions which pissed me off bc I wasn’t even ready for his apology. Or I actually was ready for it a long time ago But I’ll play this after I apologize for hurting his feelings which is why he got physical. I need him to understand why I got defensive when he demanded my apology.
Is it stonewalling when you do so to protect yourself from name-calling, hyper-monitoring, triangulation, and physical intimidation and violence? Stone-walling is my reaction to abuse which isn’t withholding my love. It’s showing them that I have boundaries and will not be treated that way. I know how to love and if it doesn’t feel like love, I dip.
Remaining silent and walking away from mistreatment is not stonewalling - it's responding appropriately to a boundary violation. Hopefully you are communicating what your boundary is, what your response will be if it is violated, and you set conditions to be met for you to re-engage in the relationship if you want it to continue.
This is a great question as I was thinking the same thing . I suppose this is why they do what they do so the person on the receiving end thinks they have done something wrong . ❤️🩹
Feedback: the moving videos are a little difficult to focus on and follow. These topics are already difficult to hear, and a more stable, constant environment could come across as more soothing which would help listeners engage deeply vs tune out because of being too difficult to follow and too much to process vs just engaging in what is being said.
Thanks for the feedback. In our more recent recordings, we've changed how and where we record the videos so hopefully the sound is better and the background is less distracting.
Thank you for being here. There are so few people helping the abusers. In your book you hit the nail on the head describing how an abuser feels like they are in defense of an attack, and not a hateful person abusing out of spite. It is an extremely helpful book. Im going through all the recomended reading now. If there is any way i can contribute to your cause, please let me know. Like i said, there are too few out there helping us change our paradigms, and help us objectively analyse incidents and learn to recognize patterns and early warning signs. You put in words what i only felt inside. That improved my understanding and helped me better communicate with my wife.
So refreshing to see others like me. I never abused out of spite or misogyny. But I always anticipated being hurt and got scared, so I’d hurt first out of defense. Faulty thinking but now that we know, we can change. This channel helps me tremendously
Excellent summary of section 1 class , concise ， clear instructions, very well organized teaching material . This video also will serve as great section review for the participants. Thank you very , very much , Mr. Clark ！
I am really blessed by just listening to this and applying it make sense . I can see change in my marriage too. God bless you brother and everything you do.
