*venting I'm 21 and tired of being alone because it's going on for too long, it started since I was a boy, me and my family moved to a bigger city and my neighborhood was farther away from my friends house, with this i felt isolation as this big hand holding me tight making me bored and in the folowing depressed, i was 10, by 11 moved to live with my divorced father, by 12 we both moved to his hometown because of financial problems there things didn't go well, so by 13 i moved to live with my older sister in our hometown whilebmy dad stabilizes himself, and by 14 i went back to live with him. This back and forth is too much for a child, i hate having to leave every year and starting my life all over again it's like i never could have peace and build fun teen years, and talking about this with my my mother would always end up in her saying "if its bad go live with your dad" or "you gone because you wanted to", fucking hate when she says that because it was them asking for me and letting me go without caring about me building my life, not me deciding to suddenly go with my dad or my sister. The result of this situation is me being depressed trough my entire teenagery from 14 to 17 without going to parties, becoming antisocial, struggling to have fun, being seem as weird and attention seeker in highschool without a proper identity development. Those years were rough, i don't ever want to live with my dad again. Today I'm living with my mom, working, without paying rent and struggling with college-by-distance, I'm starting to leave that depressed mentality and seeking for better relationships, having friends, wanting to do sports and go to parties even tho i feel frozen to take action. Someday i will take action and when i take I'm gonna feel so well for wanting to live a life. Have yall ever seem some experience like this?
Раньше я считал, что я выбираю быть один, и быть одному - это очень хорошо. Мне не нужны друзья. Я думал, что я тот, кто выбирает быть один, но позже, по мере того, как все больше и больше времени. прошло, я поняла, что права нет, у меня не было выбора и я была и остаюсь одна с самого начала, я никогда не слышала фраз типа я тебя очень люблю, можем ли мы остаться вместе до конца, я не хочу. потерять тебя и.... Я всего лишь тень в жизни каждого, которая не имеет большого значения. Я всегда думала, что одиночество - это хорошо, но с каждым разом я погружаюсь все глубже и глубже в свой разум и выбраться из него становится все труднее и труднее.
my whole world could fall apart. It could crumble and burn and die and yet, through the emptiness, through the deafening silence of life, she would be there, making noise. Her fingers grazing across my knuckles. Her voice is my earbuds at 10 at night. Her sweet smell clinging to my clothes for days. Everything could be broken, and she would be there, holding my hand, loving me, wanting me, thinking of me. And that, that is so beautiful. I know we're best friends and I'm not supposed to think of you that way, but I do. I hate myself every day for it, but I needed to say it somewhere. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you and you'll never ever know. I know I'm your best friend, and it should never be, but when you stay with me through the dark times, I think maybe. When you touch my arm or hold my hand, I think, maybe. Maybe for real. Maybe this time. But it never is. Maybe I'm delusional, but I'm yours. I'm yours and you don't know it. I love you, for real. Damn, isn't this song just beautiful?
i am thankful for everything that has happened to me. good. bad. and even the worst day of my life, because it was how god intended. Eternal life is real, you just don't know it yet.
