I am a 3rd generation obsessive compulsive hoarder with mommy issues and a lifetime of betrayal trauma to sort out. This channel is where I discard my pride, face my fears, expose my shame and let a lost and dying world see the restoration that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is doing in me. I want to draw attention to His miraculous healing, His inexplicable peace, His tender Love and mercy.
Greetings - today your channel appeared on my feed - it is my first time listening & seeing your content. Best blessings to you and your family. I am impressed with your maturity, and your ability to speak from your heart about reality, honestly in truth. Your openness in discussing your life/ journey, relationships, emotional challenges and growth is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing your experiences, I subscribed 👍😇🙏
I am gonna to add my expirience as a point of understanding this borderline, narc thing. Once I took shrooms with my ex narc women. We took heroic doses. In one moment she was laying on me and I felt that she was sucking my whole life energy. She hold me tight, we were both with out our clothes. I felt whole her body sucking me in. Then I felt I am drawing into her I look up and I saw me and her laying on the bad in this position. Then I realized I was in "her". There was very cold dark, gray space. It was terrible experience. I felt nothingness. It was so dreadful. This dark, gray cloud was vastness and empty. I felt and I think it was hell for me, feeling nothing, no emotion no life. Then of my left I spotted light. I looked in this direction and I saw bal of light covered in this dark, gray cloud. I recognized it was her soul trapped, dimmed in this dark cloud. This light/soul want to connect to her body but due to this dark, gray cloud it was not possible. It was not a dream for sure. Till this day this experience was terrific for me. I felt this lost of connection as a root cause of this behavior. This connection was broken by her trauma and of course her subconscious choice to not connect to her soul.
Wow.. thats a wonderful description and i believe it to be accurate. There is an innocent child trapped in that dark fortress that was built for them by trauma...and we get addicted to the little glimpses when that child comes briefly to the window!
I did this because I watched my husband do it once on my car and I had forgotten how. But let me tell you how I made it easier and had it thrown back together in no time. I used electrical tape to go the top end up where that little gold square goes in the top of the dial so it wouldn't pop out once I got it in because that was a real issue for me, keeping it in place while trying to thread it around the dial. Next I got a pair of toenail clippers and separated the 3 wires, made the threading easy peasy. Put tension on the whole shebang while screwing the little screw in, then wrapped the bottom part past the plastic with more electrical tape. That wire never once even thought about moving. I'm assuming because I had a good amount of tension on the wires with no slack in the dial while taping. This video really helped me and I hope I in turn have helped you. ❤
Wise words to your elder friend in separation. It was just now, listening to you that it dawned on me, divorce is a lot like how people commit suicide thinking things will get better on ‘the other side’ but there has never been ANY proof that it’s ‘better’, or the ‘same’. It could be WORSE! It’s the ‘lie’ of suicide. This isn’t said to nullify any reasons to divorce (where it would be better, and that it is necessary to divorce…I can think of a few). I’m just comparing those who think it’s a ‘cure’ for marital ills and will reach for it when things get ‘bad’. There is no guarantee. And if there’s something unchecked within one’s self, the same destruction will follow into one’s next relationship. I’ve never been married, but it seems tougher for those who do go through a divorce. I appreciate you sharing your insights.
I agree. Ive been divorced 2x. In both cases it had to happen and there was a surprise each time.. terrible agony at just how bad you can miss someone that hurt you so deeply when you had them. But it wasnt their fault they got into my life to harm me, it was mine for allowing them to in the first place. Pain is a sharp punctuation mark on lifes imortant lessons. Its why we only need to touch a stove once.
hey this video was recommened to me. you seem broken like me imo but not in a tragic way. there is a little light left in your eyes. you have been misunderstood for so long I feel but we will get through this. We will climb up and out and we will be loved.
Joel Haver had an excellent video on how a child internalizes their parent’s anger. As you watch the video it’s humorous because the father’s disgruntled anger and frustration being taken out on household objects seems like nothing to the adult, but to the child, it’s absolutely terrifying. I don’t remember the video’s title. I just remember Joel acting as a child, cowering in the dark corner watching and wincing as his dad (also played by himself) was hitting the blinds that aren’t functioning easily enough for him. I thought it was a very poignant important video to show the sensitivity of a child and that through a child’s eyes, a parent’s wrath is no small thing. Are you an infj by any chance? -referring to the Myers Briggs personality test. I like how you put it in the beginning of your video: Keeping the wrong relationships alive. It’s so difficult to come to the understanding exactly what relationships are right and which ones are wrong when your upbringing had you used to ‘wrong’. I think this is quite a common thing unfortunately. I think also the role of religion kept (back then, how prevent it was in relation to today) people where they shouldn’t be, but at the same time religion can be hailed for keeping some things together as they should. Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, type thing.
Im gonna go look for that vid thank you. Never took the test.. i have a hard time choosing any answer on any of them. If i take it 3x i will get 3 answers. Its part of tossing your identity so you can be chosen by whoever you need to choose you.
Wow, you have expressed this very well. I'm getting over a bad childhood too. Keep talking it through, privately to yourself, and here on RU-vid. Those who have been through this horror get it, and can help each other.
Oh I know this all too well. Be very kind to yourself. Time to look into the mirror and promise, that you will take good care of you. Be very kind and compassionate to yourself and give yourself whatever you need emotionally. Sit with God and just let God love you, because God really does love you. May your healing path be beautiful. I understand all that you've said. Because that's my experience too. But God is Great and healing me constantly. Be Blest
I'm suffering from this type of trauma too❤ I'm finally healing and breaking out of the mental prisons I was in. It's taken years for me to even come around to this realization.. I'm so thankful I survived.
Hello! Amazing reflection!And by the way, you have a beautiful smile! I don't see anything wrong with your teeth and the absence of hair is nothing!Try not to bother about those things,you have so much more!And you are a handsome men!😉
After rejecting him for 10 years I've put my faith, trust, and life back into God's hands and I'm at peace. Since rebuilding my relationship with God my anxieties are dwindling and I can trust he has my back
I spent 36 years in hell with the narc x and he brainwashed my 3 sons to hate me and woman. I’m celebrating 6 years divorced today and 7 years no contact…. My sons were adults when I finally ended it. It was too late for them😪
Glad you're taking the trip and talking about it. Pls check out Tim Fletcher. I think even just listening through his Characteristics of Complex Trauma. Sounds like you may have already found him. take care brother
I come from a very difficult life with my father who was a covert narcissist, he was very manipulative, depended on me financially, and was psychologically and emotionally abusive. I was homeless with him for a very long time during my upbringing and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape that and had to go great lengths to get away from him, I was lucky to have known the people that supported me and helped me with that process. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, they flew me in first class to go be with them, and they thought I was a gift from grandma that passed away, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, their love was like a benchmark, I couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am, I would hear them say “But he wasn’t raised that way!” “Oh it’s just gonna take time” , “I just think he just wasn’t raised properly” …and it felt like I had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved, and if I don’t, then it’s basically ‘bye peace out can’t live with your family’. I can still remember how my aunt was like “You’ve been going on 3 months!!” …It’s just unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. My aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and said “why not come stay here?” She would ask this weird question “What are the advantages that you think you have of being here?” but in my mind I’m like ‘I didn’t come here just so I can gain some kind of material advantages or benefits, I came to have a life here with my family just like any other kid would’. I told her “I don’t know” , and she replied “then why did you come live with us honey?” I had unfortunately received some invalidating comments from others that I’ve tried to speak to about my trauma, they’ve said things like “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and another person said “you don’t seem to realize that you’re wanting a warped and distorted image of your family by wanting a life there with them” lol, and he called me a “poster child of emotional immaturity”. Even a former friend who I thought would always be validating of my experience, ended up going against me and said “Well they raised your brother! They raised him and not you so he’s their kid!” and he laughed at me, and I’ve basically been labeled as having some kind of “sense of entitlement”. This has all put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life with their families and siblings, I believe it is the most basic thing a kid can be allowed to have… I tend to think if my friends can live with their families, why can’t I live with mine? So for a kid to live with one’s own family he has to be born into it? …I have had someone that recognized the validity of my feelings though, and that person said “how on earth can you not be allowed just the same if not more”. I just wanted a life there with my family… why would that be a bad or wrong or reprehensible thing? I can’t believe that, I went through that whole process, of getting away from my father, and finally got to go be with my extended family after my whole life of them not being in my life and going through a nightmarish life with a narcissist father, only for it to, pretty much, backfire? All because, they ‘raised my brother and not me’… I thought I would be their kid too… They bought a condo and now my brother is living in it for free…
Great perspective. Children have to be proud of both parents. From my own childhood experience I know that if you insult the other parent you are insulting 1/2 of that child. They will carry shame forward the rest of their lives and regret time lost with the other parent. You are doing good work here. Thank you for posting this.
It's hard isn't it brother? At 40 I tried to get therapy finally after destroying so many friendships. Learning all about ptsd and cptsd and bpd and adhd and addiction especially. Finally getting the help to live the life I've always been cheated off bcuz of my childhood. I'm here for you brother. Feel free to message me on insta nathan.does.voices
Stop ventng to your kds. There s no excuse for t. They are half your DNA and half hers and the sht you talk about her they wll take in no matter how you phrase thngs. Kds are not born to be our thereapists. My mother used me lke that and I kept wonderng why felt no compasson for you untl I started typng ths. We are to lift our kids up and teach them how to be strong n this world, never use them for our needs, never. My mom destroyed me, now she is dead, you have tme to turn this around. Godspeed.
@@certifiedhoarder tt either takes huge balls or stupdty to put your stuff out there like ths but so many of us are isolated rght now, and screwed, why not, guess. I was caught by the parental alienaton part. That happened to me - long story - and now I am just waitng to die. I ant no expert in doing thngs rght, actually more in effng them up. Meant no ll will, just hate to see anyone end up lke me.
@@christinetuttle8975 no hard feelings. I escaped the emotional control of my covert narcissist after 14 yrs of prison by accidental pregnancy, when i couldnt take the projections any more and finally said fine, im a narcissist and a gaslighter.. i put a 30 min confessional rant on youtube to get her to finally STFU and my channel exploded with support and subs and she lost a huge manipulation tool over me, my shame. So i just kept exposing. Cant blackmail me if i publish it first. Anything that makes me feel guilty or ashamed, i put it on here. My toxic shame self image from my narcissistic mothers disownings in childhood is over and now i dont tolerate manipulative relationships. Im a recover SLDD/empath/anxious preoccupied/co-dependant/cptsd. Been helping dad heal too. And the kids. Best our relationship has ever been.
@@certifiedhoarder Ha, my mom told me my father didn't want me and she put a hole in the rubber to have me. Hope your kid don't feel too much lke an accident.
@@christinetuttle8975 she knows that she was an unplanned pregnancy and i endured everything to be her dad. Boy was demanded of me at the threat of divorce, and he knows he is the son i never knew i always wanted, my legacy. They each have 5 acres of paid off land that we will build their homes on together when the time comes. Thats the proof that i love them. The cumulative work of my life is theirs, not mine.
