Shasta Nelson is an in-demand keynote speaker, popular media resource, and author of three books, including The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of the Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time. For over 15 years, Shasta has been translating the science of human connection into actionable practices that lead to greater belonging in our communities and workplaces. Her expertise has activated organizations such as Google and LinkedIn to intentionally create and accelerate the high-trust and resilient relationships that lead to higher employee retention, engagement, and collaboration. Shasta has been featured in hundreds of publications such as the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, and TIME magazine; and has appeared as a guest on the Harvard Business Review podcast, Today Show, and Steve Harvey Show. Shasta is a two-time featured TEDx speaker, and she has delivered 500+ keynotes for over 20 different industries, including tech, healthcare, nonprofits, education, and more.
I had someone whom I thought was my best gf. Maybe I was totally wrong though. We lived on the same block, our boys are still the best of friends and we did so many things together and really enjoyed everything-laughing over all the wacky things we did like getting lost in the woods on a hiking trail etc. Her dad passed away and I always asked how she was doing, her mom, the kids. Then a year later both of my younger brothers died suddenly within 5 months of one another. I became quiet from the shock. She was nowhere. Nothing. No how are you. Crickets. The last time I head from her was when she sold her house on our block-moved and that was the end. I’m not sad-just confused. All I can do is respect her decision and move on-no hate.
I am 51 years old and have come to realise in life that more often than not friendships will come and go. VERY few actually stick around for the long haul. I had a very close friend of 27 years who "changed" towards me and I was powerless to "change that change". People can change through their lives and that effects longstanding friendships sometimes. It was a very hard transition but time is truly a wonderful healer. You do get used to them not being a part of your life, other people fill in the gaps so to speak, you find your acceptance and move on. You just have to.
Thank you! Just watched this video which was posted like few years back But indeed this is the answer I have been looking for. I’m in a turmoil of having a close & dear friend to have ghosted me for over 3 months now.. whether to put a closure like ending it all for once cause it hurts So much after So many Messages sent without any responses. And yet here’s the advice to give a dignified open ended closure.. my last msg was asking if we could meet up for a simple get together met with silence.. 😢. It’s hard & hurtful But I have held myself up. Instead of throwing tantrum pestering her to respond or ending the friendship right away.
I actually just had a falling out with a friend from hs as of recent. She sent me a long paragraph yesterday as I was finishing my lunch break that she can’t be friends with someone that doesn’t invest in her. But I do take fault with what went down which one of the things was me only contacting her to talk about an ex of mine all the time and also wanting her to do some readings for me as well as she was a witch. At this point, I’m more so irritated with the situation.
My ex friend just blocked me. We have been arguing for a month because he found himself a gf and I felt abandoned, he made his other friends write hateful comments to me online.he knew I was struggling a lot with depression and suicidal thoughts and he kept reminding me how that woman is important to him and how much he loved her while knowing that I have been single all my life and no one ever loved me. Research ways of kms right now, hopefully soon I will be free of this pain
Personally I think initiation should happen with both sides. Not just one person. Regardless of whether things always workout when only one person does the initiating
I have just lost 1 of my friends, who is rl amazing and we did have much joyful moments together....Thank u for this, this is rl handy, I hope u and ur companions are happy and healthy !
@@sassysandie2865 When you take the time to learn from your mistakes, it’s even easier to know how to protect a relationship! Trust isn’t about being perfect, it’s about owning our mistakes and doing the work to respond in the healthiest way possible. ❤️
What do you do if you feel like a friend hurt you (unintentionally) but you know they there are not going to apologize. They can tell that the energy is off.
I think this is a healthy way of looking at friendship circles and I would say it has been very helpful to me in the situation I find myself in, however I do think there are some negative aspects of cliques that is not Christ like. Cliques can be a breeding ground for insecurities.
Nope not going to follow online or be grateful for them now. They werent they they dumped my son by the wayside. Im grateful the friendships over! They did not deserve my son as a friend!
Fully agree that compassion is absolutely ESSENTIAL to the process. I don't necessarily identify compassion as an emotion though, maybe more as an action which shifts emotions themselves? For me, and I believe this is what you were also expressing, compassion is the process which shifts emotions such as anger, bitterness, jealousy, and resentment towards those of tenderness, appreciation, joy, and gratitude, by creating a shared reality with another person (or with another part of our own selves!) Does this resonate with you in any way?
Its even more painful when only after submerging in the acceptance and putting yourself through the pain of acceptance, later down the line you realize theyre still there for you...haha but it's only bc theyre idea of being a friend is on a different level of your core beliefs which are deeper then just common kindness that pne would expect anyone to have empathy for towards other human beings. It just feels so superficial and without deeper connection and that's really painful.
28 years now, and still every now and again I think about the loss of friendship. However I can see it had to happen, back then I didn’t know what a narcissist was but now I make sure I stay away from those types of people.
Shasta bought your 2 books. Does compatibility in interests, personalities values sit within positivity as a foundation for the connection also can the stages of feiendship translate to contact friend - good aquaintance common friend - casual friend. I understand at contact friend stage you dont make intentional plans to spend time together outwith the context you are in. Where does reciprocity in intiation sit?
Sometimes it’s actually for the best. Think of it this way. If you loved them and they left you, they probably won’t find anyone that loves them the same, especially if they were fake and didn’t stand by their convictions. They will find other “fake” people and maybe that will be a learning experience for them. You are free from a fake person. 😊😊😊. There are good true people out there who will accept, support and not ghost you, and you should be there for them as they are for you. 😊
10:15 - 11:28 just blew my mind! That's exactly what I've been doing. I've been so desperate to find those top-of-the-triangle friends that I'm too quick to promote new friends I've bonded with to that status and hold them to that standard. It's been quite painful, actually, because they keep disappointing me while probably behaving exactly as they should in most cases.
Looking for those real, deep soul connections as an adult in a new city really does bring up a lot of insecurities and learned behavior. I'm a Leo and I've been noticing how I forget to ask questions even though I want to know more about the other person. But it's so much easier for me to start talking about me and to want to show them all of me... It's been a really interesting journey to self-discovery and, unfortunately, self-awareness doesn't lead to overnight change. I have to keep reminding myself not to hog the conversation. Thank you for your wonderful insights!
My first gift is a reminder to put my focus back on me and my life. To have a life I really like, helps a lot. When I am fulfilled I am less needy. My second gift is also compassion. I feel way more left out when I have my period. Knowing that for some days each month I have to be more carefull when I interact with other people and be very loving and compassionated with myself. The third gift is to be less hard to myself. I am a human, I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to be liked from everybody. It still sucks, but it is fine. I don't have to improve myself, I don't have to work harder, I don't have to people please, I don't have to try so hard.
You've missed the whole point of cliques. Cliques are groups of people who effectively, for a lack of a better term, are cult like. They actively denigrate outsiders, they have a code that everyone must follow, and any individuality or even the slightest deviation from the group will result in ostracization. People who have existing bonds don't enforce a one size fits all policy on others.
My BF changed over the years and so did I. However, she broke off our friendship right after my Mom passed. I see now how she expected most things should be to her advantage. And money was more important than kindness. It is clear our values are very different! I am thankful for the early years where we had more in common.
This is really good info and it will always make you a better person to do these things n greater chance of success but i do want to add that it is not at all a magic bullet as many people will be defensive no matter how nice you say it n how not blaming you may intend it to be. More people even good people in many other ways are very shame based and insecure usually from childhood stuff and any criticism of them no matter how nicely it is presented or even any hint that you are not happy with something they have done especially if it has happened several times is not going to land well with them. Because you're saying it so nice they may feel in the moment to act like they understand and are talking it well but they'll probably argue it or tell you things you are doing wrong that they were nice enough not to tell you before. Most people and I'm afraid the younger generation is even more like this asixe from theose who take a genuine interest in learning about such things, just want 100% approval. It's like an unwritten rule that neither person should bring uo anything they are not happy with. Even if that means ending the friendship over things that could have been resolved. This is a bjg reason for divorce as well. People wait far too long to have difficult but important conversations.
I don't think it's ego to know that you're not going to essentially beg someone to be an adult and have a conversation with someone they supposedly care about. I guess if the person is in their 20's still maybe but not for people pushing 40 n beyond. The door can remain open and certainly don't try to hurt them back but i do think people like thie would lose respect for you if you are toi understanding of their childishness n selfishness. The way i look at it is yiu might also be creating more guilt n shame on theur part for continuing to ignore your very nice requests or openness to talk n try to resolve the issue. Many people in that situation will resent that person n come up with other reasons not to like you rather than feel guilty about how they treated you. In general the worst someone acts or treats you the less likely they are to apologize which is why someone will apologize for stepping on your foot accidentally ot forgetting to return a phone call etc but not apologize for sleeping with your husband or stealing from you. Lol. We even see murderers n rapists who will never apologize for that. People will either come to the realization that they acted in haste or not in the best way( even if it is to end a friendship) and reach oit themselves ( a sign of growth n maturity) or they never will. If they do on their own that is really the only healthy way to move forward. Continuing to guess what your apologizing for and almost dragging them to the table to talk will likely backfire one day. They may have just had a moment of weakness and were missing you but no fundamental change has taken place and they will likely do it again a few years later. Only be with people who value you and themselves enough to grow as a person.
What if i was good friends with a friend from middle school and we texted every day and supported each other emotionally. We always professed to always be there with us. She got exceedingly depressed due to a troubled marriage and then had protracted withdrawals from taking Klonopin and then she said she was too depressed to talk any more and now she never talks to me ever! Like poof! She’s gone! She claims it is her mood but how can you just do away with a close friend without a reason?
Does this woman know she's the mean girl? Not that she would publicly admit it, especially because she's an 'expert,' but I always wonder if these mean women know what they're doing or if they're just wounded teenagers who are operating unconsciously.
This woman is socially competitive. She's a mean girl. She sees things as a social hierarchy and she's trying to justify these petty power struggles masquerading as friendships. Here's an alternative: don't approach social situations as a hierarchy. Be a gracious adult and treat everyone with welcoming kindness. You do not need to "do the work" to climb any sort of social hierarchies. There is no bottom or top with mature adults - just adults who enjoy connecting with others. She's absolutely describing a clique when she says she's not describing a clique. If you approach a group that is full of cliquey behavior, RUN, unless you absolutely need to be there, because they will always behave like petty 7th grade girls. They are 100% on a power trip and need to feel superior to people outside their clique. Do not feed their egos by treating them as anything other than stunted adolescents. There are good, smart, kind, healthy people out there, and luckily, these kinds of jerks tend to flock together, so you can steer around the whole lot in one fell swoop. They also tend to be dumb, and their "awesome friendships" lose all their power when you stop feeding their power. Honestly, why do you need to see people as "bottom of the triangle" and "top of the triangle" people if you have such a good heart? You're an asshole, and I hope all the women you've tried to hurt come watch this video and read this comment and know in their hearts that everyone knows you're a jerk.
This woman is trying so hard to defend being a mean girl. She loves being exclusive and keeping people out. Admit it, Shasta. You're a b*tch. Gracious people know how to both welcome new people and have time spent with close friends in a way that doesn't feel hurtful. Here's some tough love, S.N. The only reason you have friends is because you're really good looking, but if people are open, you're not going to make the cut because your personality stinks and it probably always has. Figure out how to invite the people in the clique into relation with you? Your mother did a terrible job.
Thank you for starting the conversation on friendships. It can do horrible things to your self-esteem when you lose a friend. Just listening to you has given me such amazing insight! Keep going! ❤😊
Perhaps you've repeatedly crossed their boundaries, perhaps they don't feel heard, perhaps they're tired of your unsolicited advice. Maybe they feel drained after hanging out with you. Maybe they think you're pushy. Whatever the reason it may or may not have to do with you. Chasing after someone who's not speaking to you will likely push them farther away and perhaps permanently. If they want to speak to you they will at which point it's up to you whether or not you want to hear what they have to say.
I’M probably going to get judged for this, but I’m going to tell. In 2019 I met someone who I thought that my wife and I would be good friends with. But because of her kind heart and her softness in which my wife totally lacks, but anyway this person’s kind heart and her softness durring the 4 years of our friendship with her, she was the one who helped me meat and fafill that need. As a result, I developed very strong feelings for this person. However I did my best to not act on them. In 2022 I made some big mistakes, and I’m paying a heavy price for that. I desporately want to wrong the right, but she just wants to continue to treat me and my family like garbage and throw our friendship away. No forgiveness and nothing but hate in her heart. A heart, that she doesn’t have. My wife and I sent a thinking of you card in hopes that for at least some sort of forgiveness and an attempt to get some sort of closure and reconciliation but no. Instead I get a voicemail from a Lieutenant from my local Sheriff’s office. We go to the same events and it upsets me so badly because everything is brought back up to the surface. I have to put up a front and stuff it all up, because I have no choice but too. I go to Counseling I have written I have vented to anyone who would listen, and it still doesn’t ease the pain. I have been dealing with this ambiguous bereavement for 2 long years. As someone who likes to be in control the situation, it just makes things a lot harder. The avoidence by her is making it worse. So you might say that I am at the end of my rope and it's killing me. At this point I love and hate this person all at the same time. All I can do is give everything time and pray for her forgiveness and reconciliation. More importantly I need closure, before I lose my mind.
Good morning and let me say I’m sorry for your loss. I understand firsthand the pain associated with that type of loss. Regarding your responsibility- My understanding of communication is that your total responsibility is your intent. Whatever you said, I’m going to assume your comment did not have a mal- intent. The fact that it was misinterpreted was less your issue and more her issue. Her responsibility was to communicate what she thought she heard so the miscommunication could be rectified (or verified). You did what you were supposed to do in that relationship. You communicated your thoughts and again I assume your comment Had good intentions behind it. Your friend, I guess like all of us, is somewhat damaged. Her refusal to let you know what the problem was did not allow your explanation of the miscommunication and try to rebuild. This says a lot more about her than it does about you. She can still be a nice person, but it’s obvious that whatever is going on in her life right now, or whoever she is that you didn’t see all those years, makes her not a good fit for you. It’s a hard and painful perspective to grow into but it’s a healthy one for you. Maybe you won’t say to someone else what you said to her, understanding it’s ramifications, but you can’t walk on eggshells with people and you wouldn’t want to be in a friendship with somebody who required you to walk on eggshells. Bottom line, your intent had good intentions, or at least not bad intentions, and she used her misinterpretation to end the friendship that probably wasn’t working for her. And she never communicated, the issues in the past that was causing distance between you and her. Ultimately you outgrew that relationship. You wish them well and you say goodbye. None of this minimizes the pain of losing someone that you love, but it takes a tremendous amount of onous off of you, having something wrong with you. It’s all about your intent at least that’s my perspective. You’re fully entitled to agree with it and I would respect that as well.
