Much like many others here, I'm gonna go on a bit of a rant about how miserable I am right now. I'm 18 years old, still up watching this at 4:30 in the morning and have to go to work later. I've been struggling with a sleep schedule like this for the last 5 or possible 7 years now, and I haven't gotten any better now matter how hard I try and how much I try. I hope and plan every day that I'll fix my sleep schedule, stop procrastinating so much, and get healthier, but I don't, and then I tell myself that I'll start tomorrow instead, but I'm sure you know how that goes. I feel pathetic, I work less than 10 hours a week, and only on 2 days, and I'm currently only taking 2 online classes for college, yet I still feel overwhelmed by it all. When I'm not doing those, I'm sitting on my couch, playing my computer for 10 hours straight, only getting up once or twice to use the restroom. I weigh just under 300 pounds, my posture is horrible, and my body aches as if I'm elderly. My back almost catches half the time when I bend over, and I feel sick everyday, I have horrible allergies all year around, and I eat horribly unhealthy food, and lots of it. I procrastinate on everything, doing homework, getting up to use the restroom, even getting on my computer to play games, or getting off my phone to go to sleep. I have depression and anxiety, my anxiety having gotten unbearable over the last year in particular. I don't get therapy, nor do I take medication for it, and I only recently talked to my mom about talking to the doctor about my anxiety. No one knows that I have depression, and I don't intend to tell anyone anytime soon, but I'm not too worried about that, as I'm no longer suicidal. A few years ago I was starting to become suicidal, in fact I even decided one day that I would hang myself that week, but thankfully, something in me changed, because one day when I just suddenly didn't have any desire to kill myself anymore, in fact I actually had a stronger desire to keep living than ever before. I'm a Christian, so I believe it was God that helped me, showing me that deep down, I really didn't want to die yet. Anyway, I also cut myself during those times, as I would sneak into the kitchen once everyone had gone to sleep, and pull out a knife that I had hidden in one of the cabinets (because I didn't want my family using a knife that I cut myself with to make food) and cut my upper arm, since I'm squeamish about my wrists. I cut myself like that probably for at least a month or two, maybe longer. One day though, when I got out the shower, something came over me, and I just felt angry and ashamed about cutting myself, and I haven't done it since then. Once again, I think this was God helping me, which is a blessing, as I know I wouldn't have stopped on my own, because I actually enjoyed the feeling my cuts gave me, although I never cut myself deep, thankfully. While I'm on the topic of my depression and anxiety, I've been feeling more alone than ever over the past year. I've lost all my friends, including my best friend since kindergarten, due to going to different schools, as well as my best friend seeming to lose interest in me and going through trouble with alcohol. My older and only sister moved out since probably around 2 years ago, first for college, and now just to have her own apartment with her boyfriend, leaving just me, my mom, and dad, as well as our pets at home. I have no friends currently, because of the prior mentioned reasons, and I barely talk to my sister. I don't think I'll make friends at college either, because I don't have the confidence to initiate a conversation with othe students, and no one seems interested in me. Everyone at work is extremely nice to me, but they are all decades older than me, and have their own lives to attend. Another big thing is that I just don't relate to anyone, I've always had drastically different interests than most people. This has been a big part of why my anxiety has gotten so bad recently, and I don't think it's going to get better anytime soon. I also have no girlfriend, never had one, and don't think I will get one anytime soon, if ever. I'm not the worst looking in the world, but certainly not attractive, as I'm fat, and struggle to maintain good hygiene. I'm also extremely awkward, and too anxious to initiate conversations with people I'm not close to already, which is few. I don't even know any woman around my age, the last time I had a friend who was a girl was in 5th grade, and as I mentioned, I'm in college now. Overall, I have horrible, unhealthy habits, I'm extremely depressed and anxious, have no friends, no girlfriend, and no passion currently. Even though I have an extremely relaxed and easy work and school schedule, I still feel overwhelmed and because of that, I feel pathetic and like a failure. I have no idea what I want to do in the future, I'm currently majoring in mechatronics in college, but so far it isn't as interesting as I hoped, and I'm bad at math. The only things keeping me together is video games, RU-vid, and the unconditional love my parents give me, despite how pathetic I am. Despite how poorly I've handled the privileged life I've been given, my parents still tell me their proud of me for the little things I do, like getting my GED and going to college. Speaking of school, I essentially dropped out in 8th grade. Starting that year, I became so anxious every school morning that I would feel sick, and intentionally try to throw up so I could stay out of school. A few months in, I just stopped going, my parents essentially gave up on trying to get me to go. The next year I tried a homeschool coop, but that went the same as 8th grade, and after that I just sat around for over 2 years doing nothing but playing video games on my computer and watching RU-vid. Only this last year did I finally start getting things together, and even that required my dad forcing me to get my GED. I got my GED soon after and almost immediately started college, though at a technical school, rather than traditional college. But because I had become so used to have 24 hours a day to do whatever I want, I'm having a hard time adjusting to being a somewhat normal human being again, even though my schedule is still extremely relaxed. All of this has just made me feel even worse, and like I'll never get better. I think this is where I will end my rant. Ultimately, I'm absolutely miserable right now, I feel like nothing will get better, and that the world is going crazy. The only reason I'm still here is because something came over me, and thankfully made me stop being suicidal a few years back, and it never came back, so I have no intention to off myself anytime soon. Although I have serious doubts about things getting better, I still hope every day. I don't really know how to end this, other than that, so I hope whoever may see this has a good day, and could make some sense of my rambling.
He will never see this so I’m going to post this here To Jackson, I’m sorry things ended this way. I hate to see you go but I know it’s best for both of us to move on. The signs were bright and neon and yet I never saw this happening. You were one of the best things to ever happen to me and I…. Really regret dating you. I knew from the start it was a bad idea, but I didn’t know it would end up like this. I’m happy now and I hope you are too. I wish we found a way to work things out Best wishes Nathan.
I've been pretty particular about my memories. The ones which are clear... are *crystal*. And if they're not, I don't invent nor do I assume stuff. 🙂 Besides, there are tons of videos (or direct accounts) documenting what I've done over the past 30+ years. There's no question about any of those achievements, events, or situations. I like that, too. Unfortunately, it'll all be utterly meaningless in 12-24 years. Maybe earlier. 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ "Before I start, I must see my end. Destination known, my mind's journey now begins. Upon my chariot, heart and soul's fate revealed. In time, all points converge, hope's strength resteeled. But to earn final peace at the universe's endless refrain, we must see all in nothingness... before we start again." 🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨ --Diamond Dragons (book I)
btw its still me celestian im kinda bored to my name so i changed it a bit but... i miss the other friends of mine in here like yapper and the others even thou i dont talk to them hehehe
I just want to die sometimes. I have unfortunately been conditioned into feeling I am worth nothing. I often ask myself, are they wrong? What do I have, to show for anything? I have done nothing. I have accomplished nothing. Therefore, by standards, I am nothing. Nothing but a burden to those I am around. I try, try and try, and still nothing. Just nothing.
remember, peace is neither here nor there, it just is. so stop spending your time trying to find it, and if you just sit back and let go, peace will eventually find its way toward you. you are so deserving of love and happiness, so stop telling yourself you arent. we are all human, we all feel, so you should be able to as well.
I recently got a new laptop to do work on and take notes. Your soundscapes are some of the most pleasant to listen to on the site and aid in my creativity greatly. Thank ye.
Eleven of july 3:55 at midnight.. oh Jesus, Please help me to get out that Depression that holds me down since 10 years now 😢 i am 29 now and i Think, i am better never born in this World. I am so lonely and sad. But i hope you all gets a better Life. Love yall ❤...
To everyone reading this, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve love, patience, and understanding, especially from yourself. Take a moment to breathe, relax, and appreciate your journey. 🌟💖😊
It's beautiful BUT it is not peaceful, very reminiscent of the 1953 film Invaders from Mars. Even the soundtrack of this soundscape recalls the choir that sucks you into the pit.
I had a breakdown on the phone with a loved one earlier because I am extremely stressed. I am taking a fast-paced physics class this summer as a requirement for my major, and I'm having a really hard time. My first exam is in two days. I am behind. I feel that I am behind in a lot relating to my life this summer--my room is disorganized, everything is a mess, birthdays and weddings are coming up that I am not prepared for, and I am utterly overwhelmed. I saw the title of this video, not knowing what it was, but it encouraged me. I am here now. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I am here.
Sad but it's a bit feels like home reading the comments. It's 1:54am here and I can't sleep as well.... But I'm happy, cause at least I'm not fully alone.
I'm okay. I'll be okay. I don't think my troubles are very serious in the end. I just wish I could find it in me to share more love around myself. I don't mean to be cold like that.
If anyone here feels like they can't keep going, you can just keep pushing through no matter how hard it gets. Don't give up you can do this everyone is rooting for you you've got this.
When I was sixteen, I would sneak out at night with my friends. We'd talk about our lives, dreams, and fantasies. We also talked about God, music, space aliens and all the other topics and events that intrigued us. Sometimes we'd get high. But more often then not, it was just our world where there were no adults, no traffic, remarkably - no police. It was our world. That was over 50 years ago. Thank you for your music and pictures.
I love this, this video is amazing and I love how everyone in the comments is supporting eachother, if only the entire world was like this… anyways!daily reminder: do not give up, I know things may seem tough or difficult or painful right now, but just take a deep breath and try your best, I believe in you. ❤I hope everyone here is doing great and if your not; it will get better my friend❤❤❤I may not know you but I care and love you (not in a weird way) spread some kindness and positivity 😊 Have a great day❤❤❤ Also Happy Men’s Awareness Month 🎉
