I have just asked my avoidant partner to be my girlfriend and she is so cold and I think I might already regret it. It’s so hard and sends me mad, should I continue to be patient or just leave now ?
lm anxious my ??bf?? is avoidant. l don't seek reassurance from him (learned from past failures to not do that) and he stays distant. We haven't had an arguement because having one would mean we're in a relationship and with every passing day l become sure that we never will be. Cant live on breadcrumbs.
I won’t text because they won’t want to hear from me anyway, and I don’t want to annoy them. Texting everyday for days on end is also very uncomfortable. What is wrong with you that you need to talk every day? Why would you want to talk to me? You’re just going to get sick of me sooner and I like you, so let’s just pace this out.
"Im willing to ignore my needs just to not be a burden and make you happy but I will also resent you for it but will never voice because I dont want you to abandon me..."
This comparison is irresponsible and hateful. Avoidants have unresolved childhood trauma and were frequently abused by their parents during their formative years. They have a literally damaged attachment style. Narcissism is an actual personality disorder diagnosis and has nothing to do with that.
Even that wasn't enough. It came down to the most basic consistency that's needed for communication to be possible at all. He couldn't give me the bare minimum -- truly, the barest of bare minimums -- even when he agreed that what I proposed was the bare minimum. This was after lengthy communication over many months of discussion about whether and how to reconcile after he discarded me and destroyed what we had and started therapy. I came at it with a very secure attachment angle. We restarted. Bare minimum of consistency lasted a month and change. Then the old painful patterns that led to the initial destruction emerged, even while he was in therapy to help him maintain the balance we spent months discussing. The avoidance is severe and hardwired, and that is absolutely terrible, because I love him to bits and pieces. But I love myself more. No more self-abandonment. With all the love in my heart, even after he broke it to smithereens and I forgave him because I cherish him, I said goodbye and cut him off. One of the toughest things I've done in an already tough life.
I had a secure attachment style until spending 9 months with an avoidant, I turned anxious. I, in the end realized the pattern and its not healthy anymore, that is why I stepped back build boundary and verbalized my need to my ex. I was trying to regain myself, when I did offer my ex friendship and suggested we work on ourselves and heal.. she lashed out bigtime.
Avoidant people want closeness as much as anyone, but their comfort level means that intimacy and space/privacy go together, especially when you're figuring each other out. It isnt always about closing the gap, it's about finding ways to be on the same team and be intimate comfortably... The most essential skill for avoidant imho is Follow Up Checkins. Basically saying "hey i wasnt ready earlier but i want to talk about it now. I noticed myself having x experience, wbu?" Its ok to not be ready, it just means the ball is in your court now. gotta reciprocate somehow or the other person stops waiting.
Being independent when you’re single doesn’t make you stop being anxious lol. That person will return to the exact same clingy behavior when their attachment system is activated again.
Oh my gosh we were planning our first night together five days later gone - like resigned from job and left the state. I am the anxious type so I consciously said come over the night it works for you they didn't even stop to say goodbye.
if you get coldshoulder for weeks for no obvios reason, if they do nothing to better themselves, it does not matter what kind of label you put on the other person.
