Join power couple Tom and Lisa Bilyeu as they answer your relationship questions and share how they've created a successful marriage for nearly 20 years. No holds barred. No B.S.
My mil told me last night in front of me and my husband to ask my daughter pediatrician about fixing her gap in her teeth (I have a gap myself) and I told her it’s not bad to have one but her and my husband said when she gets older if she wants to fix it, his mother always had something about our daughter appearance wether it’s us being too white (his family is from Mexico, my dad is from Mexico as well but not my mom) saying our daughter needs to be darker, that she needs to be in special school because she kicks off her shoes (8 months old) and now asks when we are having more kids. After I became postpartum his mother talks crap about me to his family, she actually told her own mother that I’m so skinny and don’t want to eat at restaurants when she ever takes me out. She actually told me one time that my husband cheated on me because I wouldn’t be intimate because he’s cheated the entire year we have been together and told me the day before our wedding that I wouldn’t repent of the marriage and talked about sugar daddies 😒
I don’t know these two people on an individual basis so this may be wildly out of context, but I get the sense that he’s not a particularly patient or empathetic man Not a criticism at all, but I get the vibe of limitations in these areas
I don’t know these two people on an individual basis so this may be wildly out of context, but I get the sense that he’s not a particularly patient or empathetic man Not a criticism at all, but I get the vibe of limitations in these areas
Thank you so much for this discussion. I really needed to hear it. I still haven’t learned how to speak up for fear of his response. When I finally had the courage to he dismissed my concern and blamed me. I expressed that his groping was inappropriate. We were watching a movie and without a cue from me; unexpectedly, he tried to put his hand down my dress to touch my breast. I moved his hand. A few minutes later we tried to put his hand up my dress. Again I moved his hand. I should have told him when the incident occurred but I needed time to reflect on how to approach him. I did avoid seeing him for a week; we don’t live in the same household. I did send him a text message about the concern and how I felt and what I needed. He became angry and cancelled the vacation we planned together. All I could do was calmly agree with his discussion. Now he avoiding me. So I decided to take a vacation with some friends out of the country. Right now, I don’t know if we will move forward. I did mention before leaving we need to take a few steps back to discuss expectations.
Birth rates will continue going down. It’s not faith, or the lack of it. It’s not money, or the lack of it. It’s time, or the lack of it. What is time made of? It's made up of 4 elements when there's room for only 3 of them, unless you want to be heading towards fundamental dissatisfaction due to a lack of time - a dissatisfaction that can lead to burn-out and the destruction of a personality. The 4 elements are: 1) Sleep. 2) Work. 3) Family (children). 4) ‘Leisure’ (screens, reading, love, friendships, solitude, playing a musical instrument, personal development, etc.) Can you do without sleep? Obviously not. Cutting back on sleep is bad for your health. Very. Can you do without work? Yes, if you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. In other words: no, you can't. That leaves only two adjustment variables. If you are reasonable, you do what the watchdogs of reasonable living keep telling you: when you reach ‘adulthood’, you behave like an adult and drastically reduce the amount of time you devote to ‘leisure’, particularly screen time. But here's the snag: living an adult life, a reasonable life, is the best way to miss out on life. This has become impossible to hide.
OK so here mine is very unique. My wife’s brother tried to take care of Virginia a long time ago when she was just a youngster now he didn’t get it so that’s great but ever since I found out about it there are times I go through jealous bout possessivegrudging is this normal?
I love the moment at the end when Tom paused to ask Lisa if she wanted to say something because he recognized that (historically) when she took a breath, that means that she wanted to say something, and he noticed that and gave her the opportunity to express her thoughts. A beautiful moment in a healthy relationship. Thank you both, and appreciate your good work in the world.
I have never heard her husband, but hearing him today I see how she speaks just like him. I’ve heard her say cus words and just thought she was kinda being a bad ass, but now I see what’s known. That whoever you spend time with your going to act like them. I get you need to take care of yourself, but he really sounds like a bad selfish person who has seen to many tony Robert’s but in a toxic way.
The man's advice here is entirely wrong. No in-law or anyone else has the right to disrespect you or drag you down - no one. It is very common for in-laws (to be specific mother-in-laws) to disrespect and criticize the choice of her child they made to marry,etc. From day one after the rings are placed on the fingers, the new couple MUST fight for their existence. I don't suggest this fight should last very long. The very first time they are criticized or insulted by an in-law or any other wilful breach of their privacy or identity as a newly married couple by an in-law (usually the mother) you bring the hammer down and inform them their remarks and behaviors will not be tolerated at all. When they bawk at you and mouth off at you, tell them they are now cut off. Change your phone number (s) and if necessary, move far away. Don't give your new number to ANY member of the family because mother-in-law will be hounding them for it. If the in-law shows up at your home, don't let them in, keep the door locked and call the police - have them arrested for trespassing.
Happiness is the absolute wrong metric to be using in the first place! Maximizing happiness isn’t what life is about, their is a massive amount of value in pursing things that are difficult yet rewarding, and can form bonds that are vastly more important than the fleeting feeling of happiness… Having children is a sacrifice, but a sacrifice that almost every parent when asked in their later years, and especially as they are dying, they almost always say just how important that having children and creating a family was/is… So Incompletlynsupport anyone not having children especially if the sacrifice isn’t worth it to you… But don’t use happiness as the metric for deciding about whether to have children or not… * On a side note there is absolutely no reasons for a family’s wealth to ever disappear like it often did during the infamous guilded age, where fortunes were won and wasted over those three generations you are talking about! We have modern financial tools and systems that anyone can put in place to 100% protect your family’s financial future… Just simply only allow for your trust to dispense the interest, no more that 90% interest so that the trust can grow slowly, and never run out of money for your future family to use… So there is no need for your families wealth to ever disappear ever again… Which makes that three generations until the money is gone thing, either simply a lie, or there are a bunch of rich, yet absolute morons who would are too stupid to setup a proper trust families wealth
My sweetheart says he cant live without me. But he blocks me everyday when he leavess. Am i stupid? Im afraid hes living a double life. I wish someone could clue me in.
At around 6:24; i do pretty much do always want to be soothed. 😅 There is not really a mood in which I would not appreciate a hug from someone i am close with. It is like a weighted blanket for me, calms me in under a minute. My toddler picked up on it. Sometimes i will be close to scolding him (raw batter will make you sick! 🤢), and all of the sudden there is a set of arms around my legs. I melt. Doesn't matter how upset I am. The hug also communicates acceptance, which helps counteract the abandonment melange, specifically with a partner figure. Typically when i need a timeout, a hug would resolve those feelings the fastest, because it is the abandonment fears making my heart race. But i know in those specific situations, the other is not often eager to show affection.
Do I feel better about myself when I’m with you than when I’m not? Omg this is so clean and clear. You’re right it’s a no-brainer. And I have NEVER heard it before! Thankyou 🙏
Tom made this longer than he needed this to be...they were arguing because he cut her point off without complementing when it wasn't a contradiction lol
they both were right....the solution requres WHY...but nobody suddenly gets why without help. Outputs change when inputs change. Books, therapy and action of why you do what u do is needed. Both weapons are needed
9:55 - "I'm here for her I'm not here for them"? But... who is "her" and what kind of human is "her"... if... she's ok with them talking to you that way? I mean yes, there are a million different types of humans, sure... but I guess what I'm asking is... would we want someone like that... as a spouse? I certainly wouldn't. Unless she has some trauma around speaking to her parents or standing up to them, and we've discussed it, and it's valid and not just an excuse or her not caring, AND we've agreed that it's ok if she doesn't stand up to her parents. Because I stand up for her daily. Multiple times a day if needed, and I do so for my daughter too, with both sets of parents when they try to interfere in my daughter's life or pose what I deem as a threat to her safety or psyche. Both her parents and my parents. Nuh-uh, you want to reach my daughter you go through me first. Similarly for my spouse. And if I'm doing that for my spouse, I'd obviously want a spouse who's doing that back for me too.
4:10 - It is NOT a game. If I constanty want to either stab myself or jump off a building because that would mean being free of them... then IT. IS. DEFINITELY. NOT. A. GAME. Tom. ❤
2:42 I needed to hear this. I need to embrace this. And I know I can because I live here and I’ll do what it takes to make sure I’m not letting my past trauma get in the way of a future with her.
I'm not afraid of the rejection but the hurt of multiple months of rejection from my fiance are breaking me down. Multiple months of rejection with 1 half hearted 5-7min session before multiple more months of rejection trying not to check out
Thats what i do ......dont trust myself, thinking im over reacting.....it can be very confusing expecially with PTSD....or is it the ptsd?? Thats what i do Lisa.... Thankyou for addressing this....great conversation 🙏🙏
My wife left me four days ago… we had trust issues, I never cheated on her or ever thought about it. The problem was I had a habit of lying, about stupid things not serious important things, stupid inconsequential things… but the problem was lying period… she said she was going to her sister’s for a while, but over the last three days she has systematically moved everything out of the house that was hers before we got married. She left every gift I or anyone in my family has ever given her, she left the wedding dress… all her actions are steps you take at the end of a breakup not the beginning of one. How do I trust that she will actually take counseling seriously with the intent of actually being open to try and work through our issues when all her actions say to me that she’s completely written me off and wants to forget the 4 years of our relationship? I want to change my behavior, I know that it’s going to take time, I went thru an EXTREME time of despair, I would come home from work and more of the pieces of the life we built together were missing, every day was a shock to my system that lead to some very very dark thoughts and actions… I’ve overcome them for the most part and now I’m in the anger phase, I’m still willing to work through it… how do I explain how much her leaving has hurt me without attacking her for doing it… I understand why she did it, I even agree that some time apart and some space could help… but her actions in HOW she’s going about this is something that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over.
He said he didnt feel pressure yet he explains the expectations he had from the life he envisioned by those who he emulated. But yet he didn’t feel pressure. Smh. He’s full of shit.
Yeah, I'm also that way and I've also always got something playing on my phone; be it a podcast or an audiobook or videos like this one or whatever, but it doesn't have to be an either/or situation like you've made it. The options you have in this situation aren't limited to 'My spouse can't reach me where I'm at, I have to be inaccessible for me to double task because it doesn't allow me to hear them' vs 'I'm not allowed to meet my needs for productivity, I have to sacrifice what I want to be accessible to my spouse' you actually can do both without anyone having to make any sacrifices. Because the great thing about us humans is we have TWO ears! I learned long ago that if I always just wear 1 earbud and keep one ear open when I'm listening to something, I can always hear anyone who might need to talk to me, and still able to accomplish everything as efficiently as I'd like to. It does definitely get tedious to always have to pause what you're listening to for you to be able to hear every time someone wants to speak to you, especially if it's something insignificant and unimportant, but just keeping one ear open allows you to be able to make the call of whether it's important enough to paused for without having to be interrupted for every single thing everyone says. But most importantly, no one ever feels like I'm unreachable or that I don't care about what they have to say and I don't have to sacrifice anything to do it!
You have an urgency to resolve problem only to feel better, because you have anxiety when someone is feeling bad, you are dependent of their emotions. You are insecure and trying to fix it so you could now feel well when the other person feels well. I know that problem, it is actually insecurity and anxiety, it is putting other people before you and feeling the way they feel. Which is bad for men, because girls will feel 10000 different emotions through the day so you should feel centered and calm, not reactive and trying to fix it. What is wrong with someone feeling bad, you cannot resolve it just do your thing and if they want to talk and clear things up then you can participate. The fear of losing someone and abandonment is pretty strog and that is a core in trying to fix the problem right away or making someone feel better, fear.
I am very sorry for all the respondent of the study highlighting that their level of happiness plummets after having a kid….very different experience for me!
Usually. It can be either person, depending on the relationship. But in your case, if your other half is claiming that the honeymoon feeling is dwindling or gone, well, they never wanted a relationship....they wanted to have some fun and a bit. Find someone who wants a 'relationship'. Good times and zingy feelings are awesome....and they come and go.....and those feelings do come back. But most women don't believe that.
@@CrimsonLibra_20 hey, please help me. I have been with my bf for 3 years and I loved him to death but from 2 months I feel like I have lost my feelings I don't feel any love and it feels like I have changed. I really do not want to go away from him and want to marry him one day. We are currently together and fighting for us.
