“Do I go to parents funeral?” [obligation & guilt for the family scapegoat] 

I went to both parents funerals and totally regret it. Horrible experience dealing with familial flying monkeys. Save yourself the misery.

A funeral is to pay respects to the deceased. If they didn't respect you then there's is no point in going. Respect yourself and don't put yourself in an uncomfortable and even triggering situation. It's not worth it.

My husband has no contact with his family for years. When his mom died we chose to attend the funeral, but we showed up 5 mins after it began, sat in the back, and left during the closing prayer so we didn't have any interaction with anyone. This allowed my husband the closure without the drama.

I didn't go to my mother's, because I didn't think I'd be able to take people saying nice things about her. I don't regret it.

IMHO and experience, the siblings take over where the parents left off. It’s unspeakably horrific.

I did not attend my parents' funerals on the advice of my physician and my counselor. My beloved sister chose to go on behalf of both of us as she is a tough woman. I received phone calls after each funeral from my sister detailing the awful vicious behavior of the family & relatives. She told me the funerals were "worse than your worst nightmares", and I should not feel guilty for not attending.

My mother died in 2009, well before I understood anything about the dynamics of being the scapegoat of the family. My gut feeling was not to attend the funeral, so I didn't. There is a part of me that has felt guilty about that choice ever since, but this video has set me free from that guilt. God bless you!

I am the family scapegoat. I was treated like shit at my mother’s funeral. I wish I had not gone. I have bad memories of how I was treated by the rest of the family at the funeral.

The three groups who attend a narcissist's funeral are: (a) empaths who were abused by them and feel guilt, (b) the new supply who have no clue as to the decedent's personality disorder and (c) those who accepted their abuse in order to receive an inheritance.

I have an interesting take on this. I had gone non contact after four breakdowns and a diagnosis of clinical depression and was about six weeks in when I got a phone call that my alcoholic narc abuser parent was taken into hospital and was expected to die. I relented and thought to myself I would tell a dying man what he needed to hear and send him on his way. The 'dying' went on for a couple of days until I got a phone call from the hospital at 1.30am telling me that my father was agitated and desperately wanted to see me. I go to the hospital thinking I was doing the right thing and sat and took an endless stream of abuse for about an hour. It got so bad the nurses had to sedate him. That was the last time I seen him as I went back to full no contact. That was three months ago and he is still in hospital and death is definitely imminent. I won't be going to any funeral because if someone came up to me and said what a fine man he was I would probably be inclined to punch them in the mouth. Also If I got the silent treatment or questioned I know I would fly off the handle as someone is going to be on the pointy end of all that stored up anger and resentment. If there is an closure to be found it is going to be mine and that doesn't include being a hypocrite and going to the funeral of someone I despise.

No stay away from funeral you'll just hear all the lies about what a 'wonderful' person they were ( the public mask that most people see). You will just get upset, It is the ultimate day of gaslighting that you will ever experience. Best to just go somewhere ( green space, church or somewhere) . Have a conversation with the deceased and tell them you forgive them for being a dickhead.( light a candle maybe) Then walk away feeling lighter.

I skipped 2 grandparent funerals to avoid my parents. My family understood. They witnessed the vile behavior from my parents for years and agreed I should do my own celebration of life. I had a wreath made for my grandma and sent it out into the Pacific Ocean, then stopped at a local restaurant and enjoyed her favorite cocktail by the sea. Cried a bit. I know she saw it and appreciated it. It was nice.

These videos are so validating in a society that believes blood is thicker than water. Thank you so much ❤

My cousin asked me how I would feel being my mom is getting up in age. I replied, “they’re the ones to cast me out of the family and I’m coming terms to that and making peace while people are alive so I don’t have to attend for any closure. I’ve done my work already”.

I made this mistake after 20 years no contact. They tracked me down and pleaded I attend the funeral of sociopathic father. Unfortunately I was vilified abused belittled humiliated. In between doing those heinous things to me they were crying and beating their breasts in grief. One of the family members who sexually abused me for 16 years tried to force me into a corner to sexually assault me in front of my friend I took with me. My friend was in severe shock at witnessing this. I was believed then. I had a breakdown after this. Please don't make my mistake.

I was 18 years old when my mother passed away, and me being already gone from home, did go to the funeral to support my father. I was approached by an angry "friend" of my mother blaming me for her death. Imagine... Little did she know how my mother really was... So, I would remind everyone to really think about going or not. Everything can happen when people are "mourning" and or grieving.

It depends on the level of abuse and betrayal. I wouldn't go to my parents funeral (they're still alive). My highly educated and respected by society parents who never drank alcohol or used vulgar words, tortured me both physically and mentally. My brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat of the family. She would find relief only when I received beating from my father. She would do anything she could to maintain drama at home and all the anger was always directed at me because I was always the one to blame for EVERYTHING that happened in this God forsaken home. He would, at times, beat me up so hard I ones had my nose broken. He would also kick me when I was on the floor. She found an almost sexual pleasure when he did that. I remember one beating when she was sitting in an armchair and he was beating me in front of her. She didn't even move or blink her eye. Pure psychopathy. Fun fact - she was a psychologist (!). That's why I felt so isolated and NEVER trusted, but always very eagerly blamed for anything and everything. "What is wrong with her, her parents are so wonderful, her mother is an angel. Poor people, to have a daughter like that, what did they do to deserve it?'. The society didn't understand and accept the rebelling teens 30 years ago. It was never the parents' fault. I'd run away from home many a time and hang with the wrong crowd. My mother hated me from the start, but I think she hated my father, too. They didn't talk at all, communicating only when the punishment had to be performed. I remember, as a child I tried to get near her to cuddle a little but she would freeze and push me away. She never allowed my father to punish my brother, though. And he is much better off now in life both financially and emotionally. I am a single mother, divorcee, whereas my brother has a wonderful family, great wife and children plus lots of money and a great job that he loves. A dream come true. I was lucky enough to stop rebelling just in time to graduate from high school and get a university degree. However, I have never found peace in my life, I'm completely torn at 46, and I think I'll never fully recover even though I have read many books and watched lectures on the subject trying various techniques proposed by therapists. The only relief I have recently found was the approach to CPTSD therapy proposed by Dr. Janina Fisher. Her therapeutic methods appeal to me the most. The way she treats separate dissociated "selves" and teaches how to strengthen the "normal self" and expand the window of tolerance is the only thing that has helped me not to end up my life. So no, I would not go to my parents funeral and I don't think anyone who suffered as much as I did should ever consider taking part in a circus where people put on masks and pretend that they care.

Thank you for validating my experience. I was low contact with my mother for the years she had cancer in her eighties because being with her set my mental health progress back for weeks after every encounter, just as you said. Days before she died, I went to see her and as I was leaving I said goodbye for the last time. “I love you, Mom,” I told her. She lifted up her chin in the regal way she had and refused to say I love you back. She died a few days later and when the funeral came around I stayed home and held my own little service. I did pay a price for my decision socially, a big price. But caring for my mistreated inner child rather than prioritizing the good opinions of others was a big step for me that strengthened me to face other obstacles in my life. I have never regretted my decision. When I later learned that my mother had punished me by cutting me out of her will, I was devastated, but also validated in knowing that I truly had been the Family Scapegoat. I so appreciate these videos which remind me that I am not alone in all this. Thank you again. 💜

One thing that amazes still is how much more empathic, understanding and thoughtful RU-vid content creators have been and can be on the subject -- certainly more than any of the nearly half-dozen therapists I've talked to. So many people shouldn't be allowed in caring profession, so many of them.

I went to my father’s funeral and all but one, treated me with contempt. Suffice it to say: did not attend my mothers funeral; and it is well with my soul.

I did not go to the funeral of either parent. I was helped with that decision because they died during the pandemic: Feb 2020, and Jan 2021. I was also helped because one of my siblings was willing to organise the funerals. Don’t be guilt-tripped into doing anything you don’t want to. Making you feel guilty is another way of manipulating and abusing you. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. You do not have to justify or explain them to anyone.

I found your channel last Wednesday while my mother‘s funeral was happening and I was not there. It was the right thing to do for me as I would have been attacked mercilessly. I sent flowers. I wish this video had come out in time to help me make the decision! But I am very glad others will have it to help them, and that’s why I am also commenting. I didn’t go because the pain her death brought up was enough to deal with, without the family drama on top. Take care of yourselves, fellow scapegoats. Be the parent to yourself that you wish you had had.

I was low contact before attending my father’s funeral. I am now full no contact with legal authorities protecting me. That should tell you what could happen to you too.

My birthgiver is still alive but I've already grieved her while she still walked around this earth until i finally accepted who she was. It wasnt until then that i entered the first stage of liberation, freedom, and deep happiness. I read majority of these comments and I take them as warnings. I told my narcissistic birth giver I'm not going to her funeral and she was shocked 😭😭😭😭😭 in which I know she probably really was because she took care of her abusive mother and expected me to do the same ? This was right after she disrespected and degraded me for the last time because I went no contact while still living with her and avoided her the entire time. Now that I am out of her house oh my god I feel liberated and during my smoke session decided to search and see if there was any videos of people talking about not attending their funeral. I just want to say thank you to everyone in the comments. I feel so validated. I wasn't going to her funeral regardless but If anybody in their right frame of mind decided to ever say anything to me I fully equipped with responses in which I really feel like I won't even need to speak then because I've cut the entire bloodline off. NO ONE has access to me and never will. I don't want any inheritance money I couldn't give two fucks if someone offered me 3 billion to sit in the back of my narc birth givers funeral for 5 minutes I'm GOOD!!! shout out to the people that didnt attend I wish y'all a a wonderful life. To the people that did I wish you a wonderful life to and hope you can heal from the trauma that followed you attending. Reading how other family member disrespected you triggered me so bad as I would fuck the whole funeral home up and everybody that ever decided to fix their lips to speak to negatively or blame me for the death of an abuser . That alone was my confirmation to stay no contact and no break it at all. Its so sad to see people who went YEARS no contact and decided to attend the funeral only to be attacked. I'm so sorry and thank you for giving people like me the heads up on what that shit would be like. I told God to let me know 6 months after my narcissistic birth giver dies I don't care to know right away. All my socials are private and I don't accept request from just anybody. My life truly feels like candyland and im so happy that I'm the mother to my inner child, and inner teenager. Life has been so abundantly amazing in all positive ways. I thank God I seen my birth giver for who she truly was and decided before even reading these comments to never attend. I forgive my birth giver though, I know shes going to hell and im so happy that demonic spirit that will attach to other family members won't ever be able to contact, see or get a hold of me ever again. 111💖

I skipped both funerals. I haven't had one pang of guilt nor did I feel the need for closure.

I did not go to my father's funeral and am so glad I didn't. I was told i was excluded from my father's will because I dissapointed him. Also my sister was concerned I was going to contest the will. True colours have come out. As a child I tried my best to please my patents to no avail. BOTH DID NOT BEHAVE AS A NURTURING AND PROTECTIVE BEHAVIOURS. THEY DIVORCED BUT IT GOT WORSE. I WILL NOT ATTEND MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL.

My narcissistic mother said don't come to my funeral. I'm going to tell everyone (me her scapegoat child) what you're like. This all came from a typical argument, and she used emotional blackmail. Unreal. Worse my siblings are also narcissistic so I'm really on my own, always have been. Both parents were emotionally immature and narcissistic. I have no idea what I'll do when the time comes, but I've cried the tears to God, and I know he'll guide and protect me. 😔💜🌻

I have often said I would not go to the funeral of my abuser but often wondered what I would 'actually' do when the time came, Today I got to find out. My abuser died toady and I am most definitely not going to the funeral. How do I feel? Indifferent would probably be the best way to describe getting the news. I will admit I cried a bit. Not for the passing of my alcoholic narc abuser but for the realization of how much damage had been done to me which I did not deserve. Thank you Mary for posting a video about such a sensitive subject it helped me put things into perspective.

My mother in law was a narc and so was my father. I went to both funerals, and I enjoyed it! The relief this whole shit has come to an end, was a fantastic feeling. I didn't grieve the person, but I felt so good about myself knowing I survived the abuse and they can't hurt me anymore. Now my father in law is still alive, and the whole family system is stil very toxic, 5 years ago I went no contact with them. When he dies, I don't think I will go to his funeral, cos I don't want to see the rest of that family anymore.

I went to my mother's funeral, but seeing all family members there I didnt interact with many of them and ended up in the bathroom talking to a friend. It was so phoney hearing a eulogy praising a person making them seem so wonderful and some people actually belueving it.

My answer is I don't need to go. But at the same time I don't have an objection either even though I have been nearly no contact for 30 years. My faith had healed past trauma and anger but wisdom kept me a safe distance.

35 years ago I skipped my father's funeral. My family of origin made up a story of whole cloth about why I wasn't there-- they collectively decided I didn't have a road worthy car for the long drive and told anyone who asked that that is why I wasn't there, rather than face my facts that after a life of abuse, I could now do what *I* wanted. I still kept contact with my surviving siblings and my mother, visiting them once a year or so. Now it is my ancient mother circling the drain. She's had 35 years to abuse me all by herself, and she hasn't missed a lick.Last year I realized my siblings were complicit, and so I went NC with the lot of them. I wasted more than 60 years trying to fit in. I simply do not have time for it now.

My brother kept me away from my mothers funeral, which was very convenient for me

I am lucky in the fact that both my sister and I are both on the same page about our parents. I am the scapegoat and she is the "golden child" but she has also been the brunt of their anger and lack of love. My mother is a narcissist and my father has OCPD. My father does whatever my mother wants and both used money to their full advantage for their dysfunctional parenting when we were children and were also extremely controlling. This is the end of our family line so this will all stop. My sister and I have no children. My mother is horrible!!!! They are still living both in their late 80s. I look forward to the day they die as my sister and I will have true freedom!!! I plan on cremating both of them and who knows maybe I will flush them down the toilet!!! The emotional abuse by both of them has been so devastating over the years!! My sister and I both grew up to be responsible loving individuals in spite of the fact that we only received conditional love. Thank you ever so much for this video and to all who experience a narcissistic family dynamic: MY LOVE TO ALL OF YOU ALWAYS!!! MAY GOD BLESS YOU WITH ALL LOVE MARY!!!!

The last time I tried to have an adult conversation with my mother she completely lost it, threw food, left, and left a vm telling me I wouldn’t be allowed to attend her funeral. (She spent the next 2 years absolutely ANNIHILATING my character to the “family”). I sent her flowers for her b-day a couple months after that incident and she jumped on the chance to try to pull me back in to further humiliate me (it didn’t work and I maintained significant distance). She once more hurt me by using another family member’s death that she knew I wanted to attend service for by telling me a month after and going on and on about how beautiful her service was. That’s when her hatred for me really (it really took me that long) hit home and we didn’t speak until she was in hospice and dying. It was hard for me to decide to see her again before she died, but I did. I was then abused verbally by my nieces and nephews to guilt me to visit. I did because I WANTED TO, and the whole family that was there made it very clear that I was a horrible monster in their eyes - no interaction or support for the child of a dying woman. It was very clear they were happy to continue the cycle. I was shuffled out out of the house almost immediately once she passed (not even allowed to go back in and retrieve my things) and haven’t seen them since. I absolutely didn’t expose myself to their abuse anymore and didn’t go to the funeral. BEST decision I ever made. My sibling (who literally tried killing me when we were little) tried to take mom’s place as primary abuser soon after during the estate settling (love bombing, acting like we were actually close, etc) and that didn’t work either. I’m NC with everyone and SOOOOO much happier!! Now just trying to work through the grief of the reality of what happened to me and losing hundreds of people that I always tried to believe cared for me. I don’t feel bad ONE BIT about not going. It was much better than dealing with their evil sneers and rejection in real time. Best wishes to anyone struggling with this. You don’t deserve any more abuse, you’ve suffered enough. 💖

My parents were deeply damaged people, including surviving the worst of WWII. I was raised to pity them and accept the abuse. But after a great deal of effort, education, self-help books, and therapy. I came to realize that they were also making choices to harm me specifically. That being their scapegoat didn't help them, and certainly harmed me. I am vilified by the family for many reasons, culminating in not attending their funerals. The attacks don't affect me. Especially since I know that I did everything in my power to change the family dynamics. It helps to not feel guilty. But I do regret not developing insight decades earlier, going no-contact years before I did. Oh well, better late than never.

I was able to attend my dads funeral over zoom which was nice because I was able to “attend” without interacting with my family. I still hated listening to the lies about what a great person he was but I’m glad I was able to watch.

Every comment I have read so far is full of strength and wisdom and hope. I came here tonight, because my heart was so heavy with grief and guilt.

To all others whose comments appear below, I truly understood your pain and I empathise with you all. As Mary says " sending peace and love to you " Kx

It’s a very uncomfortable subject that we all need to look at . My body screams NOOOOOO about my F funeral. I can’t face any of them the pain is so deep there is nothing left to say. The lies and abuse, trying to take my children off me . Just unbearable torture. The vile things they’ve said I feel no reason why I’d go the only persons I’d go to is my mothers. But even then people will want to involve me in the funeral, what songs/ poems/ vile narcissistic brother and disgusting toxic sister in law! I can’t deal with other it I don’t know what I’m going to do. You are right! Every single word…..

My mother passed away in 2021 and I did want to go to the funeral but my sister (golden child) who had abused me emotionally in a severe way decided that i was not allowed to participate. I respected her choice since the drama, the dynamic of my family members had taken so much from me that I was feeling literally PHYSICALLY sick when I was around them. I also learned that any occasion was a good occasion for them, specially for the golden child who was obsessed with hurting me by bullying, yelling, name calling, blaming, ruining (my wedding) and her favourite one was to make sure that I NEVER join them on Christmas or any other holidays...... I guess, I would say that I am glad that I did not go. I am 57 years old and I moved to Canada in my early 20's so did my parents and 3 siblings. I moved out after living two years with my family. The abuse had started from the day that i was born but in my 20's I just could not believe the control, the bullying of 2 parents and 3 siblings against me. Since the decision of living alone was made by me and not by them; they decided that i should be punished. They did not talk to me for 7 years and then they would talk to me again for couple of months to get what they want (money, support, etc..) and then another 5 to 6 years. I will be 35 years that I am in Canada and I have spent only 3 Christmas' or Easters with them. My both parents are gone now and it is the first time in 35 years that I do not cry during the holidays. I was always alone. They would be all together only 5 minutes away from my place celebrating together. They had told the entire community that i was an awful person. This is the first year that I feel no pain during the holidays. I feel relieved. It is never too late to take care of our needs and health. Thank you Mary for sharing with us your personal experience.

I too, have been struggling with this as my no contact mother is 92. Thank you for sharing this. I know I would be brutalized by my brother/family as I am the scapegoat, but I am trying not to be selfish. I know my attempts at reconciliation have really set me back years. You seem very kind and wise. Thank you for delving into this ❤. Keep making these videos. They are helping me.

I went no contact with my mother and my brothers for the last time in 2011. My now adult daughter recently told me that my brother had requested my telephone number because he wanted to “reach out” to me but she said that they didn’t know how to reach out. I politely told her that I wasn’t interested in coming to terms with my family of origin. I told her that love doesn’t exist when there is no respect. To love is to respect. I will not be responding to any of their messages. The Bible even tells us to let the dead bury the dead. These types of abusers and manipulators surrendered all of their human emotions of love, empathy and compassion when they chose to become abusers. Thus their souls were dead long ago. I will not be attending any of their funerals. My life has evolved with out them being a part of it.

My goodness you understand and articulate the trauma perfectly.

you have the right attitude. People often say "just forgive and forget to feel better" BS! whereas you say "acknowledge the harm". We absolutely need to acknowledge what actually was. Well done! I like your attitude

What a day of celebration that is

My mother gave me a blanket apology/confession 6 months before she died. She knew she was going. She said, "Sorry we never got along, it was me, I didn't want to get along." Wow, I said that's ok, we can start over today. She also told me my 3 siblings would try and get me to come back to take care of her and she told me not to do it, to move forward with my own life. OK. So when she was dying the other 3 went and I did not. Never felt a thing, no guilt, nothing. I did go to her wake. I felt like she gave me a ticket out of the family, like she knew what was really going on and she was giving me a break. Well, that is how I took it. I was the scapegoat, even after both parents died, it actually got WORSE and the next gen was also dogpiling on to call me names etc. yah nah. I asked my brother if it bothered him that the next generation was in the same cycle,he said no, so I left 20 years ago and never looked back. I cherry pick the good memories and pretend they are all dead and I am happy with my life and decisions. I love them BUT i love ME MORE.

Thank you so much, Mary! So insightful and compassionate, and wise! Your content is extremely helpful. Important points I've noted:📍 1. Make sure you are in tune with how YOU feel about attending. Listen to your body. How does envisioning your being there make you feel? Are you in a safe place? 2. Be realistic about other family members trying to reproach you for going no contact or hoover you back. How would that affect your mental health? Prioritize your well-being at all costs. 3. If they want "closure", you don't have to give it, taken the conversation might take mental and emotional toll on you. 4. Keep on with inner healing work and keep in mind the reasons you went no contact. That will build up the confidence to take that very personal decision. Be mindful of external pressure to attend the funeral, it has nothing to do with you. Only you know how difficult your journey was and you hold the keys to your healing and your making independent decisions that are healthy for you.

I still cling to hope that I'll be understood. I need to 'let it go' as you said. Very helpful video

Great video, Mary!! I thought that after my granny (who I had a warm relationship with) died that the family as a whole would value me more with the shift of the generations, and would want to be closer to me. The exact opposite happened. I was brutally bullied at my grandmother's "funeral" which actually never even happened and was called off due to the alcohol abuse that was taking place on the day it was planned (I was sober). A few months later and then a year later they wanted me to come back for ANOTHER "funeral", and I declined. Of course I was expected to pay all the travel expenses to come back (always tossed around like a rag doll lol). By that point I had already said goodbyes to my granny in a way that was meaningful for me. There was no way I was going back for round 2. Thanks for the video!

Didn't go to fathers funeral this last March. The siblings had become so irrational and hostile that it would have been a horrible experience. I made my peace with my beloved father, and let my cruel mother and her cult followers go.

I was no contact from my father - he wrote me a letter and disowned me after his mother who I was close to passed away. I knew he was sick and when he was dying I had calls to his bedside. I didn't go because my own children needed me, I lived 500km away from the city at the time and I didn't want to go and see the man who told me I was not his daughter anymore but wanted to know if he was a grandfather. I did go to the funeral. It was very challenging because the widow and my half sister weren't really acknowledging especially my sister. She obviously had a very different view of what happened as she was a small child at the time of the estrangement. I was sad for many reasons because this estrangement wasn't one I had control over - my parents had divorced and both remarried so I rarely got to see him. The day of my father's funeral was the day I went no contact from my mother due to her continuing the abuse strategies she used against me this time toward my children. I might not have been the scapegoat with my father but he didn't want me in his life anyway. I was the scapegoat with my mother and she is currently still living.

My mother passed away 12 months ago we had no contact for the last 12 months of her life which was due to the fact that she had caused so much hate between other family members and love bombed both my daughters after not having much time for them before that . The last straw was when I visited her and my father ( who was even worse ) on Christmas eve loaded with presents and then having them thrown at me . And given the silent treatment for the whole of the visit . I decided enough was enough . I owed them nothing . As a woman of nearly 60 year's old I can only say that at last I feel liberated. I have no contact with my sister's or my daughters which is heartbreaking ( don't see grandchildren) they all took her side and although I tried many times to be understanding towards them , the hate and abuse that I put up with over the past 4 years just wasn't worth it . Evan my husband who was constantly attacked by them has asked me to forgive and forget . ( so that we can see our grandchildren) I just wanted to say that no one takes the decision lightly to go no contact . This comes after years of abuse , of putting up with the shame , the guilt that literally hangs over you everyday . Nothing prepares you for having this happen and the consequences of taking that decision are at time's unbearable but I know it was best for me to walk away when I did .I haven't really grieved for my mother although I think of her and have forgiven her for what she did . ( that's a hard one ) The situation with my daughters is very hard to understand as we were very close but I hope that one day we can sit down together without the outpouring of hate that they feel towards me ( caused by my mother ) and we can try to put things right . I Love them both and always tell them that my door is always open for them , there's nothing else you can do if they freeze you out (won't talk ) All I can say to people is that especially at this time of year with Christmas just around the corner and we are being bombarded with family films and adverts telling us how it should be that's not Allways the case . There will be many people going through the same hurt that you feel and it's sad beyond words trying to express how we get through the holidays but we will . We must . Talk to other people on line that have been through the same thing . And try to keep busy and live your life the way you want to and not the way you were told too . Thankyou for your videos on what is a difficult topic to discuss I appreciate the work you have put into each video explaining not only your experience but helping other's going through it . Sending out big hugs and much love to all those that are going through difficult times xxx

I'm still not over my dad's funeral, let alone his actual death. It was very strange and traumatic.

Funeral will be the biggest gaslight ever omg “such an amazing person” 😂... I’m not going and am ready for the lashback. Fq inheritance money too, I don’t even want any of it anymore.

YOU, Mary.... .have totally earned your ANGEL WINGS... xoxo

I decided not to go to my narc moms funeral - bc I was in no contact for so many years already - and I realized - she would not ever change her behavor against me at all - same about the rest of my toxic family members - my body said no and that has convinced me most of all - now she is six feet under - died in dec. 2020 all alone in hospital while the corona virus bs did not allow to visit people - even when they were dying. Narc. mother did not even ask anybody to visit her at all - that´s what a nurse told us on the phone - she died as she use to live - lonely and by herself only.

Even with the best-crafted Masterplan, given the intentions of "others", there is still likely to be some kind of fallout. The fallout falls very silently, when you just remain AWAY, unreachable, healthy and undisturbed. 💝

I only went to Mom's graveside. It's a much shorter event, I could leave much easier than the funeral, and I could wear sunglasses to hide my expressions, but still show a sign of honoring Mom by leaving a rose on her casket.

I am so glad I found your videos, Mary. This is something that's been bothering me lately. My parents both died several decades ago but I have an older sister who bullied me dreadfully. I was terrified of her for most of my life until in 2006 when, after a particularly nasty phone call from her, I decided that I needed to cut her out of my life for my own physical and mental health. So I wrote her a letter explaining what I was going to do and why. After several months she wrote to me saying how sorry she was and we gradually started afresh. Since then we actually became almost close, lol, and it was as if I actually had a sister for the first time. Anyway, my sister is in a care home and is dying from vascular dementia. Her best friend has power of attorney and even though I'm next of kin I've been shut out completely of any decision making. All our inherited family heirlooms have been sold off along with her house, as it was assumed they all belonged to just my sister and nothing to do with me, which was like being told that I've never been part of that family, and brought all the hurt back up again. And now the question is whether to go to that funeral when it happens. And thanks to your video I've decided that, apart from the problem of travelling a long way, being disabled and a non-driver, it really isn't worth it to have the worry of having to meet those other people. I decided to walk away from the whole thing, and apart from phoning my sis every now and then and sending her little parcels while she's here, once she goes I won't ever have to think about my home of origin ever again.

I will go to my father’s for sure. He effectively had been a bit of an enabler of my narc mother for a long time but he’s Aspergers and most of the time was just genuinely oblivious. He and I have grown quite close over time as he became more and more aware of his partner’s malignancy. On the other hand, I absolutely will not go to my narc mother’s funeral. Zero chance of that happening.

I didnt go to my fathers funeral. I still get shit for it but Im good with it. I couldnt cope with the thought of seeing extended family. I think that it was instrumental in my learning to respect my own choices, It has become a simple thing now for me to do what I want to do and not take anyone elses stuff on at detriment to myself.

When my parents passed away, i walked away from my abuse sibblings i have not seen them in fourteen years,i know it was the wright thing to , but we are not getting any younger, i was thinging when they died i would sit in the back seat of the Church, as i wright this i feel my stomach getting sick, i have PMSD and i believe after listening in to you i have diccided not to attend, my mental health would set me back months, if they had know time for me in life,why would i put myself through this hell. Thank yiu Mary for all yr advise

Thank you for this. I don't have an upcoming funeral , its the holidays that are looming ahead for me. I have gone no contact for a year and my family has decided enough is enough and we need to talk it out. Which would mean me being set straight on my "misunderstandings" of them. I've asked them to stay away and not call. They have been calling of course , which I ignore. But most recently they showed up un announced at my house, also something I've asked them for years not to do. I was very angry and they left quickly. But then they went over to my friends house to talk to her about it. They have no concept of how awful the behavior is. This video is helpful me go over it all in my mind of why I've gone nc and will not be doing the holidays with them.

I didn’t get the chance to go to my father’s funeral because no one told me that he died. I might have went otherwise but this just proves how messed up my family of origin is and I will not go to my mother’s funeral when she will pass away.

Well I see this channel is going to help me with my guilt and shame. I went to my father's memorial. But that was before going NC anyway. The situation that transpired during his illness served as the catalyst of my cutting ties. I will say though that I am regretting allowing my mother to break me down. But you've just made me realize why I have such difficulty with any sort of contact with her. She's about to be 80, lives in FL but will be moving back to the state we're from. She may think I will visit but she will be disappointed. She wants contact, it will be from a distance. Also watching this, just helped me make my decision on attending her funeral. I won't be. So thanks for that.

My mother was in ICU for 3 weeks. I was only told about it by my 'family'because my elder brother thought I should know. So I was 'allowed' to know. I was lucky enough to go and pray for her at her bedside in ICU, after hours when I knew no-one else would be there. But truly I have to thank you for your video. As the hated scapegoat child all my life I sent your video to my elder brother to explain why I couldn't be at her funeral. I don't think he understood but thank you so much for your video on this. It saved me from so much further damage. I didn't go to the funeral.

At my dad's funeral, the family narcissists became more intensive. I guess their anguish compels them. When I ignored it, they got angrier. I'm not attending my mother's. They'll be angry about that too. Either way, same thing.

I just had this happen! .My mother contacted my father and said she was dying at the same time my father was in hospital. My father contacted my partner and then my partner contacted my mother because he thought I should see her before she died. I said it wasn’t a good idea and he convinced me somehow. And of course it Ended badly and all about her and totally head fucking. She’s blocked again. My partner doesn’t understand how toxic these people are but he does now. Now he’s backing me 100% 💕🙏 Great video Mary! This all happened before Christmas and I’m still going through the aftermath physically. Stay in your lane and keep going I say. You don’t want to pay the price on your nervous system to get involved again. 💕🙏

It's so sad that they've trained us to worry so much about them, even though they treated us like trash. A few weeks into my father being terminal, he and I were alone in his apartment, sitting at his dining room table. He'd just finished eating dinner and he quietly said, "I thought there'd be reconciliation." I said hopefully, "With who?" And he said, "Oh never mind." I felt crushed but at the same time, thought to myself, he probably wasn't referring to me anyway.

Oh no no no Non!!! My mother already knows I won't be attending her funeral if she died. I'm no contact with my whole family anyway so not my problem. My mother has no empathy when someone dies instead she insults you and will ask why that person want to live longer for?? Bloody sick

I went to my Dad's funeral - he deserved to be honored. I didn't go to my mother's. She was no mother to me.

The peace this gives me in my bones...thank you Mary x

I am also feeling this. When my Father died in 2015, that is the last time I saw my Mother. I would say guilt is exactly what I'm feeling because my Mother is now 74 years old and I've questioned myself many times on what I will do when it comes to then. Obviously, there are no guarantees, I could pass before her, but if it is in a more natural setting, then will I go to the funeral? When asking myself if I want to, I have to say no. Do I feel obligation? Yes, but only because of the repercussions of dealing with other family members and their judgment of me. I do feel a massive amount of guilt because I would be the one that would be the more responsible of the family unit to see things are taken care of. I do not want any inheritance and I do not want any further contact with my family. Going to the funeral would end up with a very similar result of the comment from TheSacredwoman3 below. All I would be is the topic of conversation and anxiety for myself.

Don't go! You want and deserve an acknowledgement and apology. Instead you'll be tricked into saying, "That's okay" when it's not. Self betrayal of that magnitude is very complex and difficult to recover from. The liberating act is to deeply understand who, alone, was responsible (the parent), to give the responsibility back to them (energetically, actually trying to hold them accountable is futile), and to tend to your wounds with loving compassion. The inner turmoil we experience is that we KNOW what normal, healthy actions are (eg, attend a funeral when someone dies). We really have to understand and accept that our families are not normal or healthy. So the "rules" for normal don't apply. In fact, capitulating to demands (from yourself or others) to do the normal thing may actually be the least healthy option. "It is no sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." Jiddu Krishnamurty

My body says “Oh hell no!” and then my biggest dilemma is the position it puts my adult son in. He has not enjoyed being in the uncomfortable middle since I went no contact almost 11 years ago and gets unsolicited annoying grilling from family. I also don’t want to hand them ammunition, like “See? We told you she’s the problem; she didn’t even show up for a funeral!” 🙄

My brother recently asked me if I'd go to my mother's funeral (she's still alive). I told him, "No, I've already said goodbye." I cut off most of my family.

Thank you so much for talking about this taboo subject, it’s timely for me ❤

I really love your channel. You are always giving good & well informed advice. I'm in a rough situation (losing my sanity & balance over it). My 94 year old mother has dementia (hospitalized). It's hard not to have contact with my only sister sibbling since she visits her and we accidently meet (I broke ties with her 3 years ago do to psychological abuse). My mother constantly talks about her when I call her. I intend not to go to the funerals when she passes since I can't endure the mere fact of seing my sister.

Just want to tell you how much I appreciate your voice on these topics, your channel is terrific and I hope it grows. Subjects like this are not talked about enough and it’s near impossible to get helpful advice

I would consider this question as follows.... What would I do if nobody would know my decision either way, no external judgement, only my own soul to consider. For the record, my personal answer is "No. I would not go, I would have a personal moment of reflection and memorial on my own terms, in my own way and I would not be performing for anyone but myself" Whatever you would chose, recognise it is a difficult and personal decision. Be your authentic self, and know your honest values and considerations. recognise no one has to agree with what you decide. Much Love.

I felt so great about sitting in my home by myself last Xmas 20 minutes away from where my toxic family were having "thier" xmas dinner at the golden child's house. Refused any gifts, threw away the " care package" of xmas treats that were left at my door while I was out. I'll never eat anything offered to me by these evil people I feel so much better, healthier and happier alone than I ever did in a room full of these REPTILE people

At the time of Mom's funeral, I was still reeling from the disgusting circumstances my siblings created surrounding her death, which substantially hastened her death, so there was no way I was going to get stuck in a church with them spouting on and on about things I don't believe when I was completely excluded from planning the service. I am still traumatized by what they put her through with my being unable to help her.

I love what you said about imagining every case scenario and how I will feel and imagining going and everything. I think that's very helpful

Powerful question and answer. Thank you both. I have struggled with this exact question recently regarding my mother, step father and even brother and step brother and sister. Do I want to go? What a beautiful question! I dont want to go to my mother's or step father's. I know this will be a good choice because when my father died I refused mostly from a deep sense of hurt and anger directed at him. What is most shocking is how relieved I am to know he is dead. When I see a man that looks like him and remember that my father is dead my body relaxes. What is most surprising to me is that I didn't know how afraid of my father that I was! I spent my entire life angry at my mother who was cold and hateful and in comparison my father seemed like a good person. My body and nervous system told me a completely different story. Honestly I have played with changing my name, moving and new number. I dont even want to know when anyone passes away. I am done with it all. Constant pain, shame and hurt. I would want to be there if my step sister passed. While we no longer have a relationship she was a beautiful light in my younger years. I think going to my brothers funeral might be more out of guilt then wanting to go but I am not sure. If it meant seeing my mother and step father I would have to say "no'. Painful stuff. This question shows how deformed and unnatural a family system we come from. These are not questions anyone should have to answer.

No!!! YOU'VE EDUCATING ME AND YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED FOR ME AND MY HEALTH. BLESS YOU 🍀

Thank you. I'm dealing with this at the moment, with an ill nc parent in the hospital. I've been trying to find perspectives to inform me and help process this, and your video was wonderfully calm and well thought out. I appreciate it. I'm also glad the part of me screaming "oh hell no!" outyelled the part of me that is still dutiful and obliging.

Hello, first thank you for the help, after I was in the funeral of my parents, I write letter to my Mother, very sad Pham, that closed finally the terrible relationship that I had with my parents. It’s helped me to clean a little bit the bad filling that I have always in my mine. It’s for life, ……

Going no contact IS the end she said and to that, I have not grieved. In fact, I felt relieved that I no longer had to pretend on phone calls or text messages. I was actually free from that point on of enduring any more abuse, neglect, belittling and devaluation. Going no contact has been a blessing and a joy. So, in the same respect when funeral day comes, I will probably NOT attend because my mom basically died to me when I decided to go no contact.

Thank you Mary! This was extremely helpful, it calmed my whole being 🥰

I was literally just asking myself this, this morning. Thank you for this video!

I went to both my parents' funerals even though I was the scapegoat sibling. I didn't know the term scapegoat or that I was the scapegoat of the family at the time. I found out afterwards when a carer told me that my family and extended family could not stand me. She was leaving her position, and said she couldn't live with herself if she did not tell me, since she found me to be very nice and kind. I was shocked. I didn’t think such things happened in Holy Ireland. In hindsight, I don't regret attending the funeral as an unwelcome guest. At the funeral, few spoke with me, but there were some who were delighted to see and converse with me. Now that I know where I stand with my immediate family and with podcasts like yours, I feel sorry for them all. I let everything go a long time ago.

In my case, it was my siblings who were abusive.

Thank u so much for this video, I’ve been worrying and terrified about this question, thank you for your courage and bravery and Grace xox

Thank you so much for this very clear, sensitive , insighful and wise video. This has been deeply helpful as I make my decision and feel strong in it.

I've been thinking about this lately. I can't see myself going to either of there funerals when the time comes. 1) They are abuser's & unworthy of the title Parent in my experience. 2) They are already dead. 3) I've never had a true relationship with any of the Family Unit. They are like I'll intended strangers to me & always have been. There is a part of me that feels I ought to go. (What will people think of me). But a stronger part of me that see's no reason to attend. I've been to several Funerals with aunt's & uncles passing away. And it always ends up with me crying out loadly at the funeral and then being told that I've lost the plot. Just came across your videos and really like your energy and the way you communicate about this topic & also thankyou for doing these helpful & inspiring Videos. ❤️👌

I went to my narcissistic mother's funeral. I did not even consider not going. Her family were difficult. her sister barely spoke to me. Others tried to convince me she really loved me. I knew I could not trust them because I had once tried to ask them for help with my dad's rages and they dismissed me. After the funeral, I felt inundated with mother energy, and I have been trying to cope with that and the feeling of being burdened to heal ancestral trauma.

Thank you so much. I don’t know how this entire idea of scapegoating came up on my feed. But, it could not have come at a better time for me. My sister recently died. I had a peaceful 3 years of no contact with her at my choice. Much of this due to the passing of my mother. I am now 70 years old, and i am still bodily affected and not realizing that it is mentally as well. Until hearing of my sisters death. I don’t want to go to that funeral. OMG no. But one more time i found my empath self considering going. Then today, just before you popped up i had a crying mental melt down. Thank God i have 2 very good sons. One of the sons said, mom don’t go. You don’t owe them anything. Thank you again so much. In my re-healing, i will continue to watch your channel. I am a new subscriber. 🙏.

I’m so relieved to hear you speak the truth. I’ve been totally in denial. Thank you so much. ❤️

Thank you Mary 🙏 Love your view on it, so respectful! You’ve gone through it all and you keep space for others to go through it as well. I do really appreciate that! 🥰