Whats wrong you may ask? NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE. PEOPLE... SAY... THEY WILL STAY....THEY LIE!! THEY ARE GONNA LEAVE. THEY ALWAYS DO. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO MAKE THEM HAPPY.. I NEVER work hard enough for them!!!! They dont see!!!! THEY DONT SEE HOW HARD IM TRYING. THEY DONT KNOW..... HOW TIRED AND EXHAUSTED I AM BOTH MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY...... No one understands..... NO. ONE. I CANT BE STRONG ANYMORE!!! BUT I HAVE TO BE.... BECAUSE PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK MY PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS OF LOW SELF WORTH ARE BASED ON ME BEING TOO EMOTIONAL... They dont see past my smile.... They dont listen to what i say... THEY HEAR it... BUT they dont LISTEN!!! Im. Sick of trying so hard........ Im tired of trying my best and working my ass off only to hear.... Too much detail. Poor spelling... I NEED PEOPLE TOO..... i... I cant be strong all the time.... I should never feel alone... BUT i do.... I alwahs have... And no one notices... Ever..... And the worst part is? No one ever will notice..
You know...sometimes I feel that way to. They hear me, and say. Their sorry but they don't change. People who were supposed to be your friends leave you and act like they never knew you. You cry yourself to sleep at night or you stay up late just to try and prevent the thoughts that always run through your head at night. But listen...you are not alone. You may not deserve this and you may not feel like you can hold on much longer but know you always have someone on your side. You know who? The people who understand. The people who are feeling the same way. Don't let fake friends or harsh words cut you down because I belive in you. I may not know you...but I believe in you.
I understand exactly how you feel. Because even now, I feel the same way. The truth is..... I'm a sinner. I always did everything wrong. I can never be the person everyone expects me to be. I'm just nothing but a weak, pathetic coward who treats everything like a joke. That is why nobody ever cares about me. They said they would always be there for me, but they're NOT! That's what they do to me, that's why they abused me the way they did. They act like they'll be there forever and one day, they turned their backs on me, left me behind and said "YOU ARE NOT A GOOD PERSON! I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HAD TO BE IN THIS WORLD IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOU ARE JUST NOTHING BUT A BIG MISTAKE!" They quit on me. They don't care about me. When I got myself together one day, I went back expecting a big welcome and do you know what they said? "You're worthless! What makes you think you're good enough?" There was a lot left in me, but I never got a chance to show them. Believe me, it is hard to ignore how completely broken this world is. How many people died, how many disasters occured, how many families broke apart, how many problems I cause. And we tell ourselves "Everything is going to be fine," but it's not fine. Once I took that step, there was no going back. I can never be more like other people. I can't even make the right decisions. So what I'm saying is I'm not hurting myself, I'm hurting everyone around me and there's nothing I can do about it. I failed. I could've done anything for the people I care about but I froze. I can never do things like a normal person. I'm just too afraid to do so. So the one question I have is how? How could I be someone so strong, brave, selfless, responsible, reliable, smart, respectful, loyal, honest, caring, and compassionate? How can I change myself to fit in? I always thought if anyone could change me, could make me... special, who could it be?
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