Wow Clayton, You are absolutely right! I express my vulnerability with my ex about my Mom’s death when I was 13 years old. And he has been running back to me ever since. We have been much more emotionally connected. You are an amazing coach! Please keep sharing your gifts. Thank You!
+Clayton Olson Coaching Exactly !!! Sometimes it's all about timing, the pickiest man/woman will in a time in their life settle for anything and lower their standards, today they take for granted their partner who does everything to keep them and then dump them, tomorrow they'll settle for someone who treats them like dirt and stays anyway :/ your video is great we never stop learning, I'm new to your channel I'll take a look at all your videos very soon, thank you
That is so true a lot of time society expect men to take women for who they are but men always need improvement and change. If a woman is able to get men easily but not able to keep them than she should start looking at herself and stop playing the victim.
This conditioning is so sad....I get u but I feel often that women are doing a lot of the work...being a bit all women, the mom who heals him, the child, the worker, the parent and the sex diva....what do u think ?
A man expects all of this but are they all of that to their wives. The answer is they don't come close to being all of that themselves but have a nerve to expect it from women.
This is the perfect video for me right now because I realized I need to tell my guy about a time when my feelings were hurt by something he did a while ago. I know it's in the past but we just started talking again and it seems we're getting closer so I believe that's why the issue came in my mind again. It will be hard because I'm just learning to communicate my feelings again. Wish me luck and prayers please.
How interesting, I recently met a man and at first I was concerned he might be a Narc and I'm still not sure, I already shared frustration with him twice in just a few weeks and he responded "well" meaning, not getting angry, not raising his voice, he even cried once... and told me he cared about me (yet so far he doesn't want to commit) and he told me he kinda liked the fact that I am so honest and can express myself in such a way... and it is the first time ever that a man reacts this way with me... so I was taken aback to say the least... I still don't know what to think of it... Thank you Clayton, I really like your mindful, holistic approach to relationships
Spot on and great advice. And it also reminds me, as the mother of a young son, to continue to encourage him to talk, share his feelings, and experience his emotions - not bury them. Looking forward to watching more of your videos!
This is so true. If you speak your truth (in a respectful way)usually things get resolved. A guy might be feeling the same, but he will never say it first. Also, don't be attached to an outcome! When you detach from expectation the vibe is so much better!
I cant condone or agree with this. Im so drained and tired of society constantly blaming women for having to help men. HELP them open up and HELP them to not cheat etc, blah. Who the hell is helping us??? We need to stop this rhetoric, if he can’t express himself like an emotionally stable adult then HE needs to get help from a professional! stop placing EVERY DAM THING on women!!! I’m 32 years old and I remember a time growing up watching my grandparents be in stable relationships without all these games. and you know what ? not once was my grandmother ever responsible for making my grandfather get up and go to work to provide for his family and express himself. He did that all on his own like a big boy. Period. Men today are so weak it’s shameful. No wonder women are CHOOSING single.
Found you today Clayton - you are the best here on RU-vid I find - I just feel intellect as you speak and give us all, men and women your great advise. Awesome stuff, seriously awesome
Clayton! Love this video. I have a request: Please explain to these frustrated women in the comments section that it's not "game playing; "man pleasing" "sexist" or "manipulative". These women are giving away their power!
great video but you make it sound so simple. I've tried bringing my emotions to the relationship with men. it doesn't work for me. they tell me I'm crazy, I'm too jealous, I'm too insecure, I'm too bitter, I'm too sensitive, and on and on. ..so I keep feelings to myself. it's much easier that way.
Great advice, very depht. I did found the courage to be vulnerable in a relationship... and it was like a big power !! The man was touched by my expression of my feelings (wich was fear...) and he wanted to respect my feelings... And I felt like I was a queen !! So much gratitude to him. And proud of my self ! I was so afraid of telling my uncomfortable emotions !
I told a guy friend of mine recently to be more sexually open with girls and to not under estimate girls' ability to handle it. I was pleasantly surprised to hear the same advice regarding women's emotions. It's brilliant how men and women mirror each other in different areas.
This videos is golden! Bringing your emotional experience to life is the essence of authenticity. It's making a home for emotions even if you are alone and its just for your own benefit. You can bring that self to others in all of your relationships. You may not even know that what you have expressed and how you have expressed it was just what that person needed to see, feel, learn, or understand at that moment. Blessed are those who have so helped me make my way in life!
when I'm with a guy, I should always concentrate on him to teach what should we do in relationship and keep all of my energy on him. so I lose my focus on my life😐
It seems to me you place a great deal of responsibility on women in a relationship. In general, "this is how a guy is wired" - and make sure you present honest, authentic emotions and vulnerabilities, but do so in a way that doesn't "scare" him away. Perhaps the problem is on both genders to educate themselves about mental health, developing strong character and integrity, and in this way we can have healthy relationships. It certainly has proven difficult to find males who have done this kind of inner work. Most of the advice here is sometimes hard to hear because it places the burden on women to be the stronger emotionally while not letting the man know she is, and because the kind of man you describe is much more evolved emotionally than the average man in the dating pool. I like that you use the word leadership as well, I've been looking for that! It seems this trait is difficult to find as well. In my experience, of course.
Thanks for the share, Stephanie. Yes, I do put a great deal of responsibility on women in relationship in my videos that are designed for women. If you watch any of my videos that are geared toward men, I'd like to think I'm requesting men take a great deal of responsibility as well. In my videos that are more gender neutral I'm asking both men and women to step up.
I know this was a while ago, but initially, I felt the same way - kinda like, “why is it the responsibility of the woman....” However, I realized a few things as I continued to explore that initial feeling: - the first thing I asked myself is whether or not that way of thinking was in any way beneficial - and sadly, it was not (no matter how many different ways I tried to look at it) - so, to me (and I will say it took me a bit longer than I care to admit to actually get to this), whether or not the responsibility is largely placed on women vs men suddenly didn’t seem relevant - why? Because focusing on whether it is fair and/or what the man “should” be doing is simply a waste of time (I.e. something out of my control) The bottom line is, we each only have control over our own individual self. I decided that - for me - my time is better spent focusing on what I can do to offer myself / the relationship the best chance of success. And I truly believe that one of the best / most effective ways to do this is by gaining knowledge and understanding that then opens the door to a different perspective that I otherwise may not have been able to see. I agree, many of the men I’ve encountered in a variety of situations and circumstances either do not feel the need to educate themselves or do not even think to. And, yes, that sucks. BUT that is on them, individually. If “he” or anybody for that matter does not want I put the work in or does not even think to, well, whether it’s to do what they need to do to to better themselves or make the effort to grow the relationship - if “he” is not willing to do those things, then there is the answer clear as day. It took me a really long time to accept that the only thing I can do is to focus on the actions I can take to give whatever situation I am in at that moment the best chance of turning out the way I’d like it to. ...and even longer to accept that that is literally the only thing I can do because the only thing any of us truly has control over is ourselves. If you see this, hope that helps. Once I actually “got” this - it was eye opening and I was then finally able to focus on what truly mattered and nix all the rest! :)
After what I have been put through, I could care less what people think of me. I call that winning. As far as a man wanting freedom. I want the same. Freedom to commit without being controlled.
Very insightful points Clayton. Thanks for sharing. I'd like to request a video on how to/ways to bring your emotions to a man. It still feels a little abstract and intangible to me and I would really appreciate different examples of situations and pointers on what this looks like. Are these emotions just about him, the relationship/ the two of you or about life and the world in general. I guess my Q comes from the fact that I am unclear about what aspects of himself he is suppressing so have some difficulty imagining how it might shape his experience of life. Why is this permission giving so important? Would really appreciate a part II video. Thanks.
Shruti Joshi I wish I could tell you about my situation because it would be a perfect example. I need to tell the guy I'm talking to about a time when he hurt my feelings. Though it happened over a year ago and its really difficult for me but has to be done because we're starting to get closer. I just told him yesterday that I trusted him so I need to man up lol. Me getting vulnerable and telling him is a way of sharing my emotions I think.
yeah, especially when they both said the same thing. The man and woman were walking around on eggshells, but you focus the video on what the woman needs to do to make the man feel more comfortable. I don't think it's fair to say the woman needed to change her approach in this situation. They both needed to talk and express how they were feeling, not that the woman needs to change herself to make the man feel better.
I agree with what you said, but not the very last point that you made. But I'm about to eat some bomb Yogurtland and at least be thankful that I am single and NOT in a toxic relationship like most are in. Also, I agreed with everything, but not the part where you stated that a woman shouldn't confront a man with accusations. The reason why I do not fully agree with that is because when someone does something hurtful, they are simply wrong. And a woman has valid reasons to accuse if he was in fact in the wrong. No one should have to walk on eggs shells either. So what do you think about that?
Wow- there was so much great insight in this video. I grew up around guys, and always thought the way to get along was to be pleasing, less emotional. I think that was a major pitfall in my serious relationships. That "eggshells" comment was thrown at me by my last ex and I couldn't fathom it. All I ever did was say yes! Being outwardly emotional doesn't come easily to me, but I can at least understand the importance of it now. This was really illuminating, thank you for sharing.
Absolutely love your videos. I've seen countless videos from different "relationship coaches" but I find that you go one step further than other coaches in explaining some phenomena and what women can improve on in different situations. I also appreciate your quiet passion and confidence in your delivery :) One request: would you please record your videos at a louder setting? It's a little difficult to hear you even at the max volume on my laptop. Thank you Clayton!
Thank you so much! Really wise information. Supportive relationship is all. We ladies often need to learn to relax and just be present, letting go of , as you said, trying to make the relationship go somewhere. Maturity in relationships can come with time, but you are helping women understand what works or doesn't work in man-women relationships!
I've seen a lot of anger in these comments. I want to offer my perspective as a man who is in a relationship with another man (who can seem emotionally-distant at times). There is truth in this video. By being emotionally vulnerable to him, he has gradually come to open up to me. There are still things that are outside of his comfort zone, but he has given me more of himself than he's ever given anyone, and he continues to surprise me with how thoughtful and emotional he can be when given the opporunity to express who he is. Men have challenges in relationships just like women do. They aren't necessarily the same challenges, but each party has to do its part to grow closer to each other. It sucks if you've been dealt a bad hand by society (to the disaffected women here who are blaming the content creator for trying to help solve a problem), but that won't change your situation. If you want him to open up more, these videos might be a good place to start. If you reject the idea of changing your behavior or perspective, expect to keep getting the same results you've been getting up until now.
Thank you so much. I actually used your advice about owning your feelings when talking to my boyfriend. It works so much. He draws close to me. Thank you.
Clayton, I follow your videos and love what you say but could you please turn up the volume. I have no problem with other RU-vid videos and my laptop is up as high as it will go but I still strain to hear you....sorry, but I hate to miss anything. Thanks a million.
A woman should always be honest with her emotions and encouraging man to be the same. As far as I'm concerned if we can't express our emotions then we're not fully expressing ourselves as individuals, whether or not we're a man or woman.
Life is simple to me. If a grown man and grown woman are mature, they will be ready for a real relationship. If either party is not mature, then they won't be truly ready for one no matter how much they think they are, and thus the drama and hurt feelings. Two mature people who genuinely like the other, flaws and all, will last a lifetime. Society, for the most part has created a mostly immature generation of youth who could never be in a long-term relationship with anyone. The start of true maturity right now for a female is about 30. For a male, it's about 40 give or take.
I hear you in this, but what I’m finding that with some men it’s almost impossible to get them to engage with you emotionally. You will share and be vulnerable and they will stay shallow. In turn this makes the woman feel like we can’t be ourself entirely around them. Other times a prospective partner is willing to go there readily and that’s when you feel understood and comfortable sharing with them. Could it be that your client’s partner was showing up in a way that disallowed that connection? I just dated a guy who had these barriers up and he broke it off because he didn’t feel a “strong” connection. And I too felt it wasn’t strong, because I felt he was emotionally inaccessible and that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. Fast forward to a new guy I’m dating and I immediately feel like he’s accessible, he emphasized the importance of authenticity and a good soulful kiss. What a different conversation!!!! I’m just saying that partner selection also factors in to how much you are able to “let” a man express emotion. This new guy even calls me out when I’m NOT vulnerable with him, because he expects it from me. 😁. They have to be willing, otherwise it’s just you chasing the approval of one or the other parent.
everytime i expressed my emotions he just said im so dramatic..his playing innocent like he dont know that i am hurting he didnt contact me for for a week and so i didnt bother him either and now his starting to contact me..but i ignored his message im mad at him
Couple things - don't allow yourself to become someone you don't want to be in your relationship. If you find yourself acting in ways you're not proud of, either express it and come to the table to cocreate a solution OR if your partner doesn't want that, perhaps it's time to walk away. The resentment you hold only damages you, not him.
F this guy didn't bother to contact you in a whole week, I'd be thinking his not worth your time and effort. To me that's very rude if your in a relationship and not just starting out.. I'd address this with him, see how he reacts, if he sees your valid point, great, but if he doesn't sweet your valid point. Kick him to the kerb !!
Great advice. Such a common problem women have with men existing stage left when emotions show up. I’m watching the video that shows how to bring emotion without accusations! Next! Thank you!!
And what I think he means by handle a woman is, accept her for who she is in every way shape and form. Because if a woman can't be herself and be heard, why would the man who cares about her feel that he could be seen and heard.
So you're saying that, when somebody acts a certain way and we don't feel comfortable about it or agree with a statement, then we should simply state, I'm sorry I don't feel comfortable with that , or when you throw accusations at me like that oh, it makes me feel disrespected , which is showing our boundary.
ahhhhh!!!! M.A.2.0 and u have connected lol I started watching coaching videos because i want to build better relationships and meet a guy thats good for me. ur both great
It would theoretically be nice if someone is open to you because they care for you and want to do things that make you happy. Like the take out the trash scenerio...the nagging or expectation with anger attached to it probably causes the guy to not take out the trash. When I was with my now ex, there were lots of things I expected him to do because in my mind he was in the male role, and supposed provider role as well. He definitely fell short of doing those things I thought were fit for the masculine role. I am not saying taking out the trash is a guys job, but I don't think one partner should always have to do a chore, without the other bothering to pay much attention to it ever. As was, my ex just did not seem to have any inkling of the provider archetype...and that was one of many many points that over time made me loose interest. LIke if I needed him to hang a difficult item, with screws into my wall, he would just tell me to do it myself...and then it would never get done, because I did not know how to do it...anyways now venting, sorry..hahah. As a longterm relationship sees its downfall there is a communication block and just the harbouring of negative energy on both parties. How can the energy be freed up? I dislike negative cycles of energy, or neg patterns of habit that sometimes happen in longterm relationship. Now I forget what I am even commenting on
Well…I agree with you and I'm a woman. As I want freedom to myself, the other part of the relation needs it, too. It is easy to understand the way men have been developed since long centuries ago. They have been grown up just to be the one who provides help and food to the clan. Maybe it will be required a very long time to change his beliefs , like we women have changed ours, nowadays. So, it is just let them be free, in order to mantain our couples in a happy way of living.
I think It would be helpful if you can distinguish when is the right time to get open and vulnerable . I have heard different points of view on this , the most popular being " don't talk about feelings at the beginning or else he will feel too much pressure and pull away. " would like to know your thoughts on this . Thank you.
It takes bravery to experience stuff and not rope others into it. To be responsible for what you experience and not expect a specific type of response to your expression..when in a relationship. It is good to keep things new and fresh, I hate when in a long term relationship when there are negative communication patterns...and I think this vlog demos how to get out of that in a round about way. Don't lay your trip on someone else...is that what it is saying?
Good video! Still struggle with the point of sharing your emotions! How often have I heard that I am a woosy or been hurt when I showed my emotions... This resulting in me indeed to shut down. I became a people pleaser! Latelly I showed my emotions to a guy... Guess what: he is pulling away 🙄 told him how situation makes me feel without pressure or expectation... He is pulling even further away 😥 OK. This time I will not shut up again and take the risk to be hurt by the next one, although scary... How can you show your emotion when you freshly start to date a "stranger" I do not trust?
I’m confused, if she was still people pleasing then why did he feel as if he had to walk around on egg shells? If you’re going to give an example of something in relation to the topic of what you’re doing in the video could you give us more concrete examples of what the point of that story was?
Maybe it made him feel like a dependent little kid and instead of him expressing it to her he bottled it up and created tension in his own head which caused him to feel like he was walking around on eggshells 🤷
