It was extremely difficult to leave the narcissist because when it was good, it was unbelievable. But, when her dark side emerged it was debilitating and it sucked the life out of me. I now have a simple 3 stage test: 1. Trust. If I cannot trust her, I'm done. 2. Consistency. I will not accommodate, off the chart, mood or behavioral swings and will not walk on egg shells for anyone. 3. Overt disrespect. Boom, I will deep six and ghost her immediately. Life is too short to accept this. This took years of building my own self confidence and strong sense of self in order to evolve to this state of self preservation.
Excellent set of criteria! Those are my standards as well. And whenever I may doubt them, I ask myself if I would ever inflict those behaviors on someone else. The answer is "no"!
Wedding was great, 6 months later at our delayed honeymoon, we did not see the inside of the room as honeymooners should. 35 years later, I figured it out and called it off. She was so surprised. 3 Hoovers later, the divorce was finalized. I can breathe!
as an experienced survivor of narcissist abuse from family and friends. here's my two cents - the only regrets that newbies to narcissism should have are: -that you did the best you could at the given time with what you knew. -that you were a good person giving care and empathy to the wrong person. -that once you know who and what you are dealing with, spending a single minute longer than you have to with them. be unapologetic and ruthless with boundaries and live your best life. let karma take care of the narcissists, because eventually, all rotten fruits will fall off the tree. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I’m a psychiatrist and treat victims of narcissistic abuse. What Lise says is correct. If you need treatment, reach out to therapists and psychiatrists. You cannot truly heal from just watching videos. Narcissistic abuse is very serious. It should be criminalized. I wanted to also mention. I’m a trained psychiatrist in this area and recently got duped by a covert narcissist I met at a meditation center and I can tell you the emotional damage she caused me has been extremely difficult to get over and I fully understand Cluster B pathology and treat patients with this daily. I truly don’t believe the average person can heal from this trauma without help. If it is hard for therapists to overcome the abuse, I can’t imagine the degree of destruction they have on others. They cause severe structural damage and to ignore treatment is not a good idea. It’s worse if you are healthy, have secure attachment or have never personally experienced the (covert) depth of such pathological behavior. Today more and more people are being damaged by narcissists because social media and improper parenting is breeding more of them. You don’t want their trauma to you to damage every aspect of your future or future relationships. It will creep up in ways you won’t have any awareness of and that’s why it’s important to talk to professionals licensed in the field. Please find medical providers in your area for treatment.
I was involved with a female covert narcissist who initially presented herself as caring and charming. However, as time went on, her true nature revealed itself through her passive-aggressive comments and hypersensitivity to minor issues. She consistently displayed a lack of empathy towards me, and her behavior was contradictory to my emotional state - my happiness seemed to infuriate her, while my unhappiness seemed to satisfy her. Her actions and reactions were draining and toxic, and I eventually realized that the best way was to extricate myself from the relationship to protect my own well-being.
Everything seems to be a zero-sum game with these people. If you are winning, their primitive brain physiology thinks that they are losing. No empathy = no ability to self soothe. Their only option to feel safe is to nullify the perceived threat.
Same for me. I knew I was in trouble for some time and then she tried to pull some crazy strategic & planned way to isolate me from my family. Then I knew for sure she was unfixable & damaging my mental health. She wasn't expecting me to extract her form my life. The rage I experienced from her then was insane. More proof that I was correct. Get out as soon as you can!
I just wanted to add that in the absence of what is essentially a demon possessing your life through the most horribly negative ways imaginable, you will blossom like a rose. 🌹
Another factor is that they always seem to get away with what they do. This is particularly glaring when dealing with the sadistic cruelty of a malignant narcissist. They always have an endless supply of enablers and naive sycophants that allow them to happily carry on with their lives while your left picking up the pieces of your self esteem. You're left asking yourself how they manage to pull it off. Professionally they tend to do quite well but their personal lives are often dysfunctional. Their children often either grow up to be the same and the cycle repeats itself or they end up resenting them.
Totally agree, my now ex-husband's daughter is just like him.he would laugh about her being a little him ! I would tell him. That no man will put up. With her fireworks blow ups and temper .when she got arrested for busing her son father car window out, they laughed and said she got it honest 😢 as he bonded her out of jail
What she did has set me all the way back to my childhood. I can't tell anyone what she did, such is the level of shame and disgust I have about it. I can no longer function.
If you make yourself a victim you give away your control to make things better. Take responsibility and do something about it. The only person holding you back is yourself
@@mikeyblaze Thank you. I am a survivor, not a victim, just as I am not a victim of the previously healed trauma which she knew about and re-inflicted upon me.
@@magikjoe3789friend - you are not alone. You WILL heal. It WILL take time. This experience and confusion is a measure of just how much love and empathy you tried to pour into a relationship that was always destined to fail. Forgive yourself. Be gentle with yourself. And never, ever, *ever* go back. Forwards only. One beautiful step at a time.
I hope you read this. I'm not any sort of therapist or psychologist but I completely understand you. And no longer functioning....that was me. I couldn't go to work for four months. She MADE you feel like this. It was HER. It isn't and never was you. And I'm ashamed and disgusted because she abused me. A lot. I did tell people. Honestly it helped. I still cry every night and day and I haven't seen her since October. But I'm trying. Because I want to fight this demon.
Its true and they can even take you back to infancy where a baby needs to bond at all costs even if it is being mistreated. Its a survival instinct and is truly tragic for a baby we of course are grown and are capable of employing better strategies but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel the effects of this original strategy for survival
I feel like my life lacks purpose after my narcissistic relationship ended. My sole purpose for months and years became to make my partner proud of me, to please my partner, to get on their "good" side, because maybe then they'd treat me right. Ever since I got out, I find myself feeling a lack of purpose towards anything. Life seems dull and lacking excitement, and everything seems pointless.
I understand your feelings . I felt the same way for some months after my relationship ended . I been single for 9 months but still miss her at times . Its been a long road it seems but its really just 9 months . Its got easier but still my mind will go back to the good times and i start thinking to much . Just certain things trigger memories and I start getting sad . I have to tell myself to move on its over . Quit thinking about it . Then try to get her out of my mind . I usually watch funny things or occupy my time with something . I am hoping eventually she will stop visiting my thoughts . But im doing better as time passes .
One of the problems I had with my gf, a covert narcissist, was her inconsistency on all things, major and minor. Monday's rules didn't apply to Tuesday and Tuesday's rules were scrapped if the wind changed. Then there were the "wild cards". I never could match her insults. I never saw the upside to being that cruel or going public with that kind of verbal haranguing. Fighting fair came second to winning at all costs.
I broke up with my covert narcissist girlfriend 2 weeks ago after five years of a relationship that was nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster filled with endless manufactured drama, fights for no reason, and extreme jealousy. I'm glad I finally made it out. Luckily, I educated myself on these topics, making it easier to spot the red flags. She showed traits of both BPD and Covert Narcissism. It took me almost an entire year to mentally check out of the relationship while learning about dark triad traits and manipulation in general to understand the thought process of these kinds of people and how to deal with their nonsense. I broke up with her and blocked her on everything. She has tried to hoover me back, but I am far too gone from this child's play, and her attempts are futile. In the end, my regret is, as some might imagine, not breaking up sooner.
I am on the same boat, my ex was diagnosed with BDP and showed covert narcissist traits, you described exactly what I went through, glad you woke up from the nightmare
@mezcalito3147 Yea it was an unnecessarily long and drawn out process, but I am glad to finally made it out safe and sound, albeit with tons of learning and experience. Had to read and learn skills that are pretty much lifetime, I’ll never be the same person again this toxic relationship promoted me to educate myself on dark triad related topics and manipulation to learn how these clowns manipulate and sabotage other’s mental health. I still regret not breaking up sooner, but I vowed to not fall on self blame and being realistic to the fact that I can’t regret breaking up sooner because back then I didn’t knew what I have learned half a decade later. Otherwise, if I knew how to spot the red flags, I’d have ran from the hills far sooner.
Wow, that’s a very honest thing to say, that watching videos even like your own, can become your next addiction and can keep you tethered mentally to your abuser. Kudos to you for this honesty and integrity.
I remember about 4 years in, her daughter, after witnessing me being on the end of a tirade, asked why i stayed with her mum. Making excuses i said shes stressed and will go back to how she was at the beginning soon. Her daughter laughed and said no she wont, she does this to all men, she hates men. I wish id listened instead of waiting years for that act to reappear.
My ex girlfriend has BPD/NPD and hates men. She has alot of mental disorders that need treatment. OCD, BPD, NPD, & germ issues. Talk about a relationship without hope...yeah, I'm a lousy son of a b**ch. I walked from that relationship.
I'm going through the process right now I loved her so much and she was a narcissistic girl She gave me everything and took everything . I hope I find someone who deserves my love.
I feel in love with her at first sight I was screwed from the start. I can’t see myself with anyone else or can see anyone as beautiful as her. The worst is she’s gotten away with it. It’s too the point I’ve had to get on antidepressants I’ve completely lost my mind, and myself I can’t do anything to get her out of my soul 😭😭😭
There is hope. After time you will miss them less. I'm past 3 months and I even quite drinking and smoking weed. Was I a mess to start with? After 33 years you bet I was a complete basket case. However now I even got over bipolar-ism. So if I can heal so can you. Good luck folks. I wish you the best.
Thank You So Very Much For Sharing This My Reasons It Was So Very Hard To Leave The Narcissist 1/ I Was So Convinced I Could Change The Narcissist 2/ I Was So Manipulated 3/ I Had No Identify Outside The Relationship 4/ Fear Of Retaliation 5/ I Became Addicted To The Narcissist 6/ Severely Trauma Bonded 7/ Low Self Worth 8/ The Fear Of Being Alone 9/. Emotional Attachment 10/ Struggling With Going No Contact Narcissistic Abuse Is Brutal..
I’m sure I’m not the first person to suggest this but totally deactivating social media during the recovery process is crucial. I remember years ago I had a breakup and my ex totally blocked me on all social media at the time. I was angry about it then but looking back she did me a tremendous favor..
Been a challenge. Discarded 6mos ago. Ended 8.5yrs together. She monkeybranched to some simp. Been strict NC. No hoovers. It gets better i promise yall. Focus self. Level up. Do your bucket list. Pray. Youll get free 🦅
I have lost faith in humanity, due to a narcissist. If you have, too, it may be worth going to Thailand. The kindness and grace of the Thai people may be able to restore some of it. Or, at the least, it may be worth being in a place where people are friendly and kind and emotionally generous.
What is most striking to me is that, no matter how long the relationship, at the beginning the intensity and the illusion that it is built is so strong that leaves so much damage afterwards. I'm at stage 7, she texted me me out of the blue after few months of no contact, just to say nothing, with pathetic excuses just to start a conversation, pretending that nothing happened after she dumped me like a piece of trash ahah. I made the mistake of replying to that text, and she asked to meet. I genuinely believe she just wants to know that she still have control over me, that's just about it, and I kind of feel pity for her..I wouldn't really be in her shoes TBH. Guys, burn all bridges and turn the page FOREVER, I know it's difficult, but you'll be better off in the long run. Remember that the dark side of the Force in the end never wins ;)
I left her almost a year ago, but I’m still struggling. I don’t feel bad, but I think about her every day. I still hear a voice inside of me that says, you’re not enough, she is amazing and you just don’t deserve her. Even though I know she lied about everything and cheated from day one. And yet I’m still struggling with those thoughts. It’s like being under a spell.
I swear I cannot thank you enough. I have twins with a narcissistic, and I thought I finally sounded someone great for me and my boys again, but it's almost an exact replicata of my ex You have gave my strength back to walk back in. The door and I have no fear of loss anymore. Thank you over and over...
Thank you Lise. You summed up many years in just eleven minutes here. I don't think you left anything out. Thank you for all you do. This is a MUST LISTEN for anyone questioning their spouse or partner or for anyone in recovery or even for one as myself, long past the narc abuse and free...Thank you Lise! Keep up the great work!
Thank you, this video is helpful. I wish I had seen it and understood this much sooner in life. Live and learn, oh well. So many comments on here that could’ve written by me, amazing how often things like this happen…
This is the most perfect explanation about this matter in particular! It is 100% the truth!🤦🏻♂️ Every detail I’ve been through and I am still healing ❤️🩹 Thank you so much 🙏🏼Lise👍🏻🙋🏻♂️
I'm not sure where you got the information from, but you could have been a fly on my wall for the past 30 years . So accurate, she discarded me and left me with 2 lovely boys. 😢
I am struggling to get rid of her and divorce...I promise I will get over her in days..in fact, I have got over her a few years ago...it is just dragging on ...thank you ,
7 years lost and now i avoid being attached to anyone. Even if it is someone who i am interested in I have self doubt/hatred and end up avoid that person until they loose interest.
It's just nuts. She satisfied every romantic dream that I had and I was addicted. I hoped for her to miss me and wanted to have these feeling again. I was so depressed, and nothing made me happy. I tried different things to distract my thoughts. Nothing worked. I wanted to be the person that she wanted me to be. Researched on seduction and heartbreak. She was my hobby, I was obsessed. One day, I decided to run. I never played any sports or ran in my whole life other than to q buffet line. It was hard. I ran and when I stopped, all the endorphins kicked in. I do know the hardship of heartbreak and know why Forrest Gump started running. I decided to run a 5k in all 50 states and I did 24 of them. In short, it was a horrible and painful relationship, but at the end, I found me. It's still hard, and I learned a lot about myself. All those who are living with pain, please take care of yourself
1. Ask about her relationship with her father. If she starts poisoning the well with awful stories of her father in the beginning, gtfo. 2. Does she have a significant other "guy friend?" If yes, gtfo.
I didn't even realise that I had basically cut off the narc supply. I just withdrew & after a while, got the discard. After a few weeks of 💩 thinking , I now know it was a blessing in disguise. A new life awaits & I'm excited. Nervous system healing up & energy levels are returning slowly but surely 😊
It’s nice to see men supporting each other in the comments. I’m close to a year since I dumped the narcissistic Bpd ex, dealing with the intrusive memories of the good times has been a daily struggle, and even tho I’ve dated other beautiful women since, my mind keeps going back to that creature who emotionally, physically hurt me, and ruined my reputation after. It’s surreal what a trauma bond does to your mind, I’ve come to terms that it’ll take time to fully heal. One day at a time.
I wanna thank you for putting out these vids. It’s been several years, and I’ve moved on, but from time to time I think back and it sometimes gets to me. You are incredibly spot-on with your descriptions. It’s like a operating manual of these people. After viewing a few of your vids, I realize my ex was on the darker side of things and that I let myself be mentally abused way too hard for way too long. Still, as you so correctly say, there were moments and things that were astonishingly good, and those things make it all confusing. Anyways, thank you!
This is a painfully accurate description of every relationship aspect of the last seven years in my life. We got a kid and I tried to keep everything together as good as I could and more of it until she left me. However, there’s no fight about custody so maybe she isn’t a narcissist after all.
My narcissist who I haven’t spoken with live and in person since October, texts random emoji’s hoping that I’ll ask _what was this for/about?_ I haven’t responded- but it has _not_ been easy since I miss the good times (90% of the time). Your videos have given me strength to stand strong for myself. Thanks. ❤
Narcissism in movies “House of Gucci” & “Bullet Train” book & movie. And my sister marrying into a “connected” traditional family who “tracked” me since grammar school. No paranoia needed. Also the feeling that narcissists have an intrinsic relationship with apparent & hidden reality. (No not “Gucci” astrology)That their inflated self is justified by way of intellect and repeated good “luck” or “fate” like in Bullet Train. The BT book dealt with a Japanese HS kid & future mob boss who couldn’t believe & also expected good luck. The movie had a Brit female whose father was a “White Death” Russian crime boss. (The words “father” and “Carver” became interchangeable in the movie) Which used NPD BPD therapy-speak humor to break from the extreme ultra violence.
I married a narcissist who never exhibited a huge come on - as is typically predicted - but there was an unplanned pregnancy and I approached the narcissist who was the legit father so he could choose what he wanted to do about it. He was uncertain but eventually opted to marry. Whereas during the dating stage he could be charming but erratic, after the marriage he fairly quickly “dropped the mask” and his alcoholism and emotional irresponsibility became apparent. I was naive when I married and totally unprepared emotionally for what I faced and I had to race to keep up with his acting out. I stayed with him until he died which was my bad and much of these years were wasted parts of my life to a great degree. I take responsibility for staying and have been healing ever since and have developed a far healthier sense of self.
A great video, everything makes so much sense in my healing taking so much time. Even though I have gone strict full no contact, blocked her on social media, phone and emails etc I'm Still getting hoovered every few months 5 plus years later through a particular channel of my professional life which I cannot stop, I don't react but it feels like she just doesn't want me to forget her, I feel her hoovering is from a deep sense/fear of abandonment or maybe she just has no primary source of supply & does this to her other past partners also.
I cant believe that after 10 years of marriage, raising her autistic sin as my own, I was discarded, asked to leave and have had zero contact after one year separated. Not one word about, my just turned 18 year old step son, how are you, I apologize about being rude, mean , discarded, nothing ! Who is the woman and what happened to the beautiful woman I married?
Unfortunately you were just there until her son turned 18. Similar thing happened to me. I was married for 9 years. I went no contact with my mother and my narc said “Well your mother is just going to cut you out of the “will”. Evidently my mother was my narc’s retirement plan. So she left me to lay claim to her parent’s estate. She now lives in a camper on her parent’s property waiting for them to pass.
Thank you Lord Jesus Christ and Lise Leblanc's videos to help set me free from an 18 yr back and forth with a sick narc woman. *I AM FREE* And i hope others break free as well
The aging Narcissist will wonder (example) why his/her children never visit them. Early days with My ex Narc: I would avoid his phone calls because I knew he would start abusing. Feel that "avoiding" mode...That's what helped me walk away for GOOD.
Nope, not this time. My eyes were more open to her shenanigans this time around, I wasn't too emotionally attached and watching these videos helped me understand her behaviour. When the discard came, I just laughed, waited an appropriate amount of time then blocked her on all forums.
Yes I look fwd to learning why they cant form secure long lasting relationships/bonds..& please if you will..LOTS More on Sociopathy in male & felmals.
I gave up all nicotine without cravings and urges, I gave up weed without cravings and urges, I don't like to drink, and I have given up on porn and masturbation without any issues. But after nearly 4 years I am still hooked emotionally to my ex who I believe is a Narcissist. I broke up with her for the way she was treating me and I just have not been able to move on. Even after DBT and 3 years of therapy. This sucks. I have become completely avoidant after I had a narc like roommate as well. I just want peace and to be loved without being torn to pieces.
It seems like such a simple thing to ask for, I asked for those things from my ex narc, from the start. All I wanted was peace, and to be loved. In the end it was everything but that. I took the reverse discard route after some disgusting behavior on her behalf. No contact for 7 months. Close to being healed, although I do still miss what she made herself out to be in the beginning. I’ve never felt like that about anyone in my life. Worse, I’m afraid to allow myself to feel that way about anyone again, but want to so bad I can’t stand it. Recovery isn’t easy.
Get out and live. Do what makes you happy. Change your picker. That requires a lot of inside work. Then God hands you what you need. No more Narcs. You are a vet. You will spot them now.
Can‘t? Sure you can.Learn about their shallow, made up nature and focus on how you feel: sad, hurt, unhappy. Always remember those feelings and how unfair they are.
This just exposes alleged "victims" as being narcissists themselves for seeking out their own pleasure and exposing their own true nature as "lovers of themselves rather than lovers of God."
I'm over my narc except I still live with her and we just got denied a divorce by the judge, totally devastating because I do not put up with her nonsense anymore and she doesn't annoy me because I don't give her any fuel, my two grown up daughters are on her side due to the years of trauma bonding etc, but I have no problem moving in once she leaves my house
That's exactly where I'm at now stuck in the anger also I resent that I had a panic attack when I saw her the other day cuz I haven't had them in years. I didn't even have a relationship with her really and I got that attached just as a friend. Cuz I wasn't really that important to her and especially after I gave her a piece of my mind finally after holding my tongue for a year set a long text
Hi Lisa. Could you present a video with content specifically differentiating on how to completely overcome a narcissistic covert malignant mother? How do I differentiate between the sociopathic tenancies, the cluster B and the dark triad specifically with that combination mentioned above? What are the different impacts, factors, layers of trauma relational to when it’s a parent with that combo, rather than an intimate partner? What does it mean when they say, I know I have no empathy and compassion? I’m too old to change. And, I never apologize. Is it possible (for them m/the narc to be both, bold, in denial and aware? Are they fully aware and simply have no intentions to grow? Can she be that bold, or are still in some form of denial? I’m confused. Everything I listen to on all the different audios/practicioners/ etc., all cite just run, but it’s not quite that cut and dried is it? Please advise thank you.
What I find interesting watching these videos and thinking back to memories of the narc - he targeted girls who had a problem with substance misuse. Initially under the guise of “saviour” but the more I think of it….such girls are already wired to the up and down that they likely take longer to feel it within the narc. I don’t think he was clever enough to logically think this, but maybe he saw a pattern that girls in that situation stuck around longer and accepted this rollercoaster sooner. I was one, nicotine and cannabis are my my vices (luckily nothing hard) and I had been recently traumatised by physical injury and mental illness (nearly died twice - had 50% chance of brain damage on survival. Imagine. He met me while back at work building myself back again my only crutch was cannabis to cope. Shoot me! The more I think the more evil i see it all to be. BUT I have recovered from injury and I earn double what he does now with a booming career while he works 6 days to make that half I do in 4. God bless ❤
I call my ex Little Boy Johnny who didn't grow up because he didn't get attention from his mother.. I cannot raise a boy. I stay my distance from that ex.
Like buying or INHERITING a used car. You see what you want or need instead of all there is. After you make the REAL investment and become a master mechanic you are free to take it, leave it, or scrap it.