It is very difficult to get away , and when you do leave, they will continue to torment you especially to turn your children against you and try to take them from you. Very sadistic and evil.
Seems like you are discribing one of my parents. Turned us against the other parent, but I realised that she was the problem when I was 20. My brother still thinks that his moder is a perfect person, an angel and the victim. When she couldnt do more harm to my father (left him broke, depressed, took almost all the properties he had, left him almost on the streets) she moved to me and tortured me in all the possible ways she could. Also turned my brother against me, he abused me as well together with her. I'm left with health problem, was she has done is to much. Hope you have all the stenght and resources to do what's best for you. And thank you doctor Grande for sharing your knowledge with us.
Wow this video was so triggering. I’m just glad I was able to leave my ex husband. Worst 2 years of my life. The torture was exhausting and unreal. It’s hard to believe there are people in this world who are so evil. But I lived it so I know how real it is. I left him in 2011 and I’m still trying to heal.
Good for you your lucky it was only two years. Dont let him mentally hold you back from moving on. Dont let him steal your emotions. They don't deserve us. They are insecure sick indivduals. It happened to me also. Mentally and physically he made me afraid to leave him. One day I just didn't care. I felt more of myself then to stay and waste my life with a loser.
I hung in there for four years. It was mental, emotional, and physical torture. It's taken me at least 10 years to truly be over it and gain understanding of why I tolerated it.
Regarding consent to be abused: for a long time I was a school bus driver. I witnessed a lot of sibling interaction. Sometime one sibling would emotionally or physically abuse a brother or sister. When I intervened, the violator would typically say, "You can't tell me how to treat my sister. She's MY sister." I was never harsh with such kids. Just persistent. It was clear that the abusive conduct was tolerated or even encouraged in the family home. The target of the abuse was fundamentally incapable of defending herself/himself. Very sad!
I was that sister. My (so-called) father encouraged it. He would rewards the other kids for abusing me. We were removed when we were 11. He was in the backyard beating the dogs again. That kind of treatment towards me has never stopped. I know that I must have subconsciously assumed a role and others are playing out their role.
Anna Lee That is really rough. Parents who do this destroy the sibling relationships of their kids. The kids who become abusers are also victims of these disturbed parents. I hope you can find some peace.
@@kevinhornbuckle "The kids who become abusers are also victims of these disturbed parents." I agree with this. It took my awhile to understand this. And the same goes for the parents unless they are a primary psychopath. It's a never ending nightmarish cycle.
1.Domineering and threatening. Forceful , intimidating. 2. Angry when wife talks to others. 3. Wife is never good enough for the husband. Critical of her appearance. Likes to make her insecure and he maintains his dominance. Constant threat of infidelity. 4. No reprieve. Acts in a sadistic way continuously. Unmoved by pleas for compassion. 5. Personality concurs with psychopathy. Dark tetras. 6. Limiting access to money and other resources. Control and humiliation around education etc. Tries to sabotage 7. Blaming the wife for everything that goes wrong. Takes no responsibility 8. Husband takes pranks too far and says the wife is too sensitive. Sadistic behaviour, hides keys , fake spiders ,etc. 9.Parental alienation. Tries to turn the children against the wife. 10. Husband is demanding when it comes to sex. He wants the wife to suffer. He is dominant and sadistic but not consensual. The wife becomes tired and weak, but cannot stand up-to him. The husband has power and dominance over her. She becomes too tired to leave.
Important: the husband may actually deny sex, to the wife. Still dominant and causing pain, exacerbated by name-calling over weight gain, or husband's loss of interest in wife, especially if things had been going rather smoothly in the relationship. Anything forced or withdrawn from the wife, should be considered.
My covert ex was sadistic. He always said he wasn't attracted to me. That I was beautiful, but not sexy. And that he didn't like South American bodies (and I’m from Brazil). I suffered a lot because of this . For 1.5 year I thought there was something wrong with me! Because I couldn't change my body! If it was about weight, but it was about something I could not change! Now I understand the control and dominance behind! He also left his phone somewhat available for me, and I knew I'd find messages I didn't want to see. So sad!!! But I learned a lot from that horrible relationshit!!!!
I´m sorry what happened to you. But if you had the "balls" to point out how absurd his statements are you could cause him total error. Like: "If you are not attracted to me why are you with me? Isn´t it pretty stupid to be with someone you are not attracted to? Hahaha, you are the loser here, not me." I know, it´s easier said than done.
Mysikrysa Thank you for your message. ❤️❤️❤️ So.. I asked him that question sometimes (why he was with someone he was not attracted to). Sometimes he would agree with me and decide to break up with me. Only to get back together a week or so later. Sometimes I'd leave. Only to get back together a week or so later. Sometimes I wouldn't say anything because I didn't want more pain. I was trauma bonded. I learned a lot and would never put myself through that situation again.
I hope you heal soon , toxic people really are a pain. I happened to have a 'friend' of mine who was like that. She would spread rumor about me, made me the scrape goat and play the victim card . I lost all my 'friends' and was exhausted, it took me a long time to heal. I wish you good luck and healing :) take care
The longer I am alive, the happier I feel to have remained single. It just has given me so much time to do my own thing... even it it means sit here in front of the computer!! I will get back to my hobbies very soon!!
@M Z Marriage is a lot like a lottery. It won't be successful for most but the idea of having a successful one, like your grandparents, seduces people into giving it a go.
@M Z I agree. But I have known married people who bickered up until one was on the deathbed. It can happen. BUT sometimes it does go back to an undiagnosed mental illness or Anxiety disorder or depression or both in one of them. It only takes impatience in one or the other partner to start the bickering trend. (Probably) I am guessing.
I am glad for you too. You can hang in there, by your fingernails if you have to. You got this! And make sure your attorney knows everything he does during this time too.
Be careful, even if your separated, make sure someone knows what's going on, create a trail back to him as much as you can in case something were to happen, afterwards gain as much distance as possible. My husband ended up killing himself, thank God, he tried to shoot me first. Get away asap.
Women who stay in these relationships , must take into account when they grow elderly , and have chronic illness, and are even more vulnerable , the man won't reduce their stadistic acts in fact I believe they step it up. As the power struggle is virtually a knock out by then. My dad would do everything to aggravate my mum's copd, painted the bedroom in high emissions paints , use bleach, etc etc..it's when the other person becomes reliable on compliance ...everyday things.., with prescriptions, lifts, that you truly see how cruel and sadistic they are. They virtually just have to sit back and neglect, a terrifying way to end yr twilight years . and stressful and heart breaking for the family to witness.
Daniel,you show wisdom in your comment and I am sorry if you have witnessed this.A person with a lot of narcissistic traits will up the abuse when their partner, especially long term partner gets sick or disabled in some way.Narcissists will get worse with age.They rule with their mind not their heart,they have a cold heart.Their true nature shows up more when they are put in a carer position for the partner.They can be cruel,callous,uncaring,insensitive and just don't care if their partner gets better or not.The narcissist can not feel for anyones pain,only their own.This would apply to other relationship dynamics as well, as narcs are all the same pretty much.The nature of a narc is sadistic in some way.I have experienced being cared for by a cruel so called carer husband and noone needs a carer from hell.Tell more people your story Daniel, it may save lives.Any person around a narc has to learn to strengthen their own mind, it will help them as the narc plays mind games everyday of their lifetime. God bless you.Take care.
@@maidenmarian1 There are such caring people on this platform..u have asked me more kind questions in a few lines than my dad has asked me in my entire life.yes I'm married but heartbreakingly my partner has mastised cancer diagnosis , it don't seem real at the moment as still coping and general health is okay, my dad is the covert, and started silent treatment all over again (teenage years I endured this) when I gently stepped in, and saw to my mum's needs ,im convinced he took a few years off her life she passed August this year. I moved her out a month before her passing she went to her grave despising him, because of his lack of empathy, , disdain towards my pain , with the cancer diagnosis of my partner , she finally had had enough. I got through the funeral holding my feelings in, for the sake of my son. 64 years of marriage , eventually the empath hates them, can't bare to be in the same house as them, and its such a waste of missed happiness .
@@steadypace1262 Thank u for yr wonderful post, my heart goes out to you I can tell by the way you speak you are enduring this, we all made excuses for my dad's ways over the years, but like you say, boy do they get worse , cruel cold hearted is right. Yet neighbours would never know, they think he is the grieving widow and such a nice man. He is the ultimate " Street Angel house devil " . I don't think the hate I carry towards him now is healthy , these videos help, but I've finally started to like myself more and realise he was projecting shame onto me from my teenage years.
@@danielwiltshire8131 Thankyou and my heart goes out to you as well as your mum.We are speaking the same language I have been saying street angel,home devil a lot,there is a few good terms for them.It all gets back to the fact of low to no empathy with the narcissist,it just can't happen.Your father was probably your original narcissist and it is good to know who your first narcissist was as it will hasten your healing.Lots of emotions to go through I understand but its all forward on after we work through our anger and accept things as they were and are.There are good videos like this one and lots of written words to learn from on the internet.We are blessed to finally know about this disorder and to look at our life with more clarity.I wish you well,take care and keep learning x
Sadistic, hedonistic, narcissistic. This describes my ex. I stayed for 28 years in spite of what my therapist told me. I just hated breaking up the family. After 6 years alone I still feel betrayed and belittled but am trying to forgive. He is remarried and I feel such sorrow for his new wife. In spite of everything, I made the right decision for me.
@marswmn The guy you are describing wanted control over you more than anything else. It wasn't about you, it was about "the way he likes it." He needs it to be that way, .......fully unbalanced.
@marswmn I am so sorry you went through that. It sounds like such torture. I guess you were not married, just in a long term relationship, Right? I just don't think most women fully realize that we have not achieved equality at all. A guy like that would do anything to keep you down. I am so sorry to hear this.
Yes, you did. His new wife is his new victim, but not much you can do about it. I hope you focus 100% on yourself, on healing, and having fun now that you are free from that evil entity. God bless you.
My ex almost killed me a month ago...he bit my face and a chunk out from under my eye...punched and strangled me til I blacked out...I went to the ER...he's going to prison for a long time...he exhibited all these traits over some time...Im a survivor!!
I'm saddened to hear you went through that experience, at the same time I'm happy you managed to make it out with your life. He's gone now so you have your power and voice back. Time to heal. Stay strong
Staying deliberately in an abusive relationship isn’t a choice in my opinion. Gaslighting can become so severe that the victim dissociates and believes the sadistic abuser’s lies over their own reality. Sometimes a therapist has to help by f.ex. suggesting going to a shelter for an interview and/or recording and writing everything down that happens. Victims are often convinced that the abuse is their own fault and can’t even recall half of it because of the gaslighting.
This was a bit shocking. I prank people all the time! My mother says I did it since I was a toddler - hiding my dad's shoes, etc. Wow. I better give that some thought. Thank you, Dr Grande. 🌹👍
Dr. Grande isn't saying pranks are bad. If you were a toddler and hid your dad's shoes. That's pretty normal for a toddler to do. Little children hide things all of the time. If you're an adult, and are hiding your dad's shoes when he has to go to work and it's being done intentionally to make him be late for work or lose his job,that's when it's no longer a prank. Pranks in general are fine as long as they are being done in good humor and everyone gets a few laughts ouf ot. They are NOT fine if they are being done intentionally to harm somone, or to create fear.
It is rooted in self hatred and low self esteem, rooted in their childhood when they perceived mistreatment at the hands of one of both parents. The relationship they have with the opposite sex is a result of their relationship with the parent of the opposite sex. They feel not good enough, and since their partner is an extension of the self, they must be taken down to below their level.
I saw a "prank" video of a man putting oil on the stairs and watching his girlfriend (I assume) topple down. She could have broken her neck. Nothing about it said "funny" to me.
Dr. Grande, I just keep learning more from you all the time. Thank you so much for this video. Because of your videos, I learned that my ex who I was married to for 20 years is an overt narcissist. But after seeing this video, I recognized every single characteristic you mentioned about sadism as well. Why did I tolerate it for so long? I married young, and had a childhood history of extreme abuse in all forms, so I truly did not know any better at the time. I simply thought this was how all men treated women. I cannot thank you enough for educating me about these things, in such a fair and unbiased way. I have referred your channel to so many women who have been or are going through the same thing now. Again, thank you for teaching me so very much about why my life was such a living hell.
Thorough video, thank you. I’ve honestly seen more of the behavior in women than men who have begun to feel powerless, but it makes me wonder if sometimes it’s a reflection of how the woman is being treated behind closed doors.
I have been shaking my head yes all the way through this video. My ex husband to a tee. He said it's being " a man" or it was a cultural difference that I wouldn't understand. Oh, I understood which is why he is an ex. Thank you for such an informative video Dr. Grande.
Yes, where were you when I was still married to husband #1!? Lol... I'm really so happy that this is being discussed these days! Back in the day, we just knew that some men (and women) were inordinately "mean," or "hard to get along with." But unless a person of this ilk is actually involved with a sadist, no one gave it too much thought - "I guess that's just the way he/she is." One of the worst features of this crap is that, even with good counseling, these sick folks don't change. Then it's time to take one's losses and get out of the relationship. Ain't lyin', been there, never a happier day than the day the divorce was finalized!!! It felt SO oppressive, and of course that is exactly what it was, and suddenly after a few words by the judge, it was all over and I could try to relax. And I've experienced some ups and downs since that day, but nothing that was so devastating! Few situations are. I feel like any spouse or lover who is hooked up with a sadistic narcissist needs to disassociate ASAP from him or her. I had seventeen years of it. I was almost nothing like the person who got involved with him as a young girl in college. In some ways, I was a survivor. But I was also near a total collapse physically, emotionally, and physical, I was nearly mortally wounded. I remarried someone supremely decent a few years later, and went around with a smile on my face. Such a vast difference. I knew how lucky I was! One quick note, a few years before he and I divorced, we were meeting his boss and the boss' wife for dinner. All the way there, he ranted and raved at me (no real reason) and by the time we arrived at the restaurant I was struggling not to cry. My eyes were full of tears. I know this couple we met there immediately saw this, but after being seated they kept the mood very, very light. The effect of their behavior mad me see red although I didn't say a word. I was particularly angered at the wife, because as a married woman herself, she never seemed to notice at all. I thought at least she could simply have given a tiny indication of concern. She never did. Now I wonder if she didn't acknowledge that I was very upset because #1, she herself was being abused, which I strongly doubt, or, #2 she had never experienced abuse herself so didn't have any understanding of such a possibility. Lucky woman!!! So I just sat there but inside I was a wreck, and a little bit of pure rage was going on inside, rage toward my husband and even toward the wife for her being so cold. That icy disregard hurt, the screaming on the drive over had hurt - although I was no stranger to that type of behavior by then. I never saw her except for that one time, but the image of her across the table lingers on - but that was normal behavior for the time it happened! Keep us ever informed, Dr. Grande, your postings are quite informative.
@@nancyayers6355 Thank you for your in depth description of what you were experiencing even toward the wife at the dinner. Amazing how we never forget our internal unspoken thoughts from certain experiences! Thank you again. I wonder if that woman noticed what you were feeling?? I would love to know, even now!!!
My Covert narc spouse let me know I was unattractive to him, by him not wanting to have sex, he blames it on his low libio, but at the same time he has no problem wanting me to take a trip down town which I firmly refuse as I have no idea if he's been getting his sexual fill up else where. I'm just buying my time learning how to deal with him until I can get enough money to leave. 14 yrs with this fool and I've had just about enough.
RUN to a safe house. Clear your computer browsing history. Protect your finances by stashing money and have a support system that HE does not communicate with.
I think mine - who I still am having post separation abuse from 13 years later - is gay but will not admit this to himself. All around him he manipulates- therapists have been shocking , collusion. We have a child with additional needs- that’s been the door back in…
'....keep her afraid and tired....unmoved by compassion....psychopathy.....callous....unemotional.....cynical ..... opportunistic ....limiting access to resources....blame, blame, blame.... enjoys seeing the wife worry.....WOW - check, check, check.... These may points of interest to those out there who enjoy learning about this; but for those who have survived it is life-altering and brought me to my knees praying the Rosary to get out of a short marriage with the money I had just a few months earlier. it was pure hell....
Wow, I thought I had heard everything. I knew that people with sadistic and masochistic and all those things but I didn't know what the symptoms were. This is very informative. I only have one word of advice for anyone RUN !!!
Been humiliated and mentally drained from this. They just play mind games, they make you feel like you are the one for them and wants you but it’s all for their control and to humiliate you more
@@kathryncarter6143 I'm sure it would be harder to pin down,since mental health professionals are used against kids as flying monkeys,and it's quite lucrative.
That's not a marriage - the law doesn't define a marriage, the relationship does. I cannot comprehend HOW someone becomes sadistic? It's just, crazy. Evil craziness.
So what if your husband does the following? 1. Drives dangerously to scare you 2. If you do something he likes, you get compliments 3. If you do something he doesn’t like, he treats you indifferently 4. Sex is a reward for good behavior 5. Only deposits enough money to pay basic bills 6. Mistreats the children and pets to punish you 7. Gets angry if you don’t present yourself in a way that makes him look good 8. Does #7 to the children in regards to grades and sports 9. Has a very strong need to be seen as intelligent and special
I highly recommend watching NDE videos at IANDS Channel and Precious Testimonies Channel. Listen carefully to their testimonies of how we are to be to each other while living on Earth. If we are living with people who are violating our NEED to be respected, cared for and treated with dignity then we are not SAFE in their presence. Good luck and God Bless.
Wow do we have the same husband lol weird especially the driving to scare me then he gets mad at me starts a fight and usually leaves because I'm hanging on for dear life and having a panic attack almost crying cuz I'm so scared we are going to wreck.
"Gains pleasure through fantasizing or watching violence" So does porn increase the prevalence of sadistic men? Or does it reflect how common it is in them?
I can only get off by watch8ng hardcore rough porn. I'm a female and nithing else does it for me. Idk why. I watch really sick shit and go to websites like goregrish or bestgore etc amd that's the only way i can have an orgasm. Its very rsre if I can do it otherwise. I won't go into details but.. Normal vanilla sex doesnt do it for me. At all
I'd say largely no at least not for older adults. I do think kids and probably teens too would be more likely to be warped by violent porn. Regular nonviolent porn should have no real impact on sadism in my opinion. I think for the most part sadism is an in born trait. Certain behaviors like hard drug use and heavy drinking would likely bring it out worse.
I watched this about six times already. I was awestruck by the 10 Signs of a Husband with Narcissistic Traits. That was a real eye-opener for me. It resonated so strongly with my past. This video too has been so intensely accurate, a summary of the horrible marriage I was in. And all that time he was trying to convince me it was a cultural thing and I needed to get off my high horse about it. I guess he didn't know that this crosses cultures, genders, ages, class status. That really makes me laugh since it shows he is not the special cultural standard bearer he tried to portray himself as. Yes, that is really how he tried to pass off his peculiar brand of b.s. Now it is confirmed... He is unique...just like every other sadistic narcissist. I'm disgusted and better educated. Thank you!
@m norton buswell Agreed about tolerant cultures. It is so puzzling to me when sadistic abuse is considered something akin to a badge of honor. There are so many other worthwhile endeavors in life. So glad that chapter of my life is over. It has taken years but I have learned a lot from this channel. Blessings to you. Peace.
Listening to this brings tears to my eyes . It explains perfectly what I've noticed throughout my parent's marriage of 38 years . I yearn so much to help my mother . Its so bad that she sometimes try to convince us to take the negative behaviors of our father because she always said he vould never change and she always seem tired.
I'm very grateful for you Dr. Grande. This is a tough topic and one that I know well. The things I went through turn my stomach now. I do remember one red flag in the very beginning that I did not understand back then: I was in the kitchen (like a good little trophy wife....gag) and his friend was there. He walked by and slapped my behind really hard. I did not like it at all. It really hurt and felt degrading so I let him know that. He was laughing and wanted to see if he left a good handprint. He was telling me to lighten up. I told him not to do that to me and that it was not enjoyable or funny to me at all. So, he got really angry with me. I thought it was the oddest thing for someone to get mad at me for not liking to be hit in that way. I received the silent treatment and a handful of passive-aggressive jabs as well. Also, i received the same unwanted "jokings around" throughout the relationship and had to grin and bear it. My question is, what else can we do besides go on with the business of healing? I'm glad you are here to educate people from a qualified clinical perspective, but what else can we all do to help the next victim?. I wish I could bring you to divorce court with me.
Focus on your divorce and re establishing your finances, accommodation and safety first. Then when you are in a position and state of mind to help others than of course consider this. Until then; protect yourself.
IMO very often the "victimized " wife or husband chose the abusive/cold partner because of those traits, they only want "love/approval" from a sadistic/abusive partner perhaps because one of their parents was like that. Love from a "nice guy" is not nearly as satisfying.
You nailed it! The victim is usually attracted to a confident, dominant man, and he doesn't necessarily have to be overt, but just a certain type of energy or aura will usually suffice. When the victim is attracted to such a person, the rose tinted glasses come out, and all reality is thus blurred. Once that happens, it's all over but the crime.
Having lived with a sadistic, narcissistic husband for 19 years - i personally believe a therapist has a duty and obligation to at least inform the wife about the husbands traits and behavior. Sometimes a third party can at least explain the situation. Usually the wife is blaming herself for the problems in the marriage. She needs to understand the problems on a different level.
Thank you a ton for recognizing that it is the wife that gets to decide when to draw the line! This is one aspect that has been so so overlooked in therapy & out. There's a million voices out there yelling for an end to it. Sure enough, it's their own judgement that gets in the way the majority of the time.
As a prankster, it took time for me to admit that pranks were sadistic. They might be funny, even to the victim of the prank, but the humor involved was transgressive -- by definition. So, I make an effort to supress the need to prank. Today I see pranking as a split off outlet for aggression that was not a conspicuous feature of my personality otherwise.
I would hate to be on the receiving end of those types of things (unexpected hard to interpret and frightening pranks. I would in fact HATE it. I am glad you figured out that it was sadistic. There have to be funny ways to play pranks that originate from the sweet side of things between a couple... There does need to be an innocent, sweet place between a couple doesn't there? If one is to be so lucky... but the two people have to be innocent and sweet with each other, not cynical and insensitive..
Sounds like he has more concern for the cat's than you. 🙏🙏 If you both cannot be compatible, is something bothering him ❓ If not, depending, I would consider time enough spent and would be making good plans to leave.
Exact description of my ex narc partner! I was sabotaged in every way shape or form - he lacked empathy, compassion and sympathy & enjoyed seeing me suffer!
Thank you SO MUCH, Dr Grande!! My long term ex tricked off all of those boxes. Been out 10 years and so thankful. I never had the choice to leave. Believe me, I would have left long before, had I been able. God bless you.
hope46sf Good for you! ❤️Sometimes it’s almost impossible to leave, but when the fear of the abuse is stronger than the fear of anything else, that’s when it happens. I left 10 years ago exactly, moved to a completely different country all by myself. Because that certainly wasn’t nearly as scary. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made.
Holeee crap my ex husband was messed up. I think he is/has everything. I group it and call it evil. Iam greatful That I'm single. What a nightmare my marriage was. Thank you for this video!
My husband has this habit of when we actually have what looks to be fun, he'll try and bite me.... very hard and he'll start to make weird noises as I'm yelling and trying to push him off of me,he says he's only playing but it never feels like that once the pain kicks in, I've told him that when he does that he sounds like he's enjoying my pain, now it all makes sense. And he constantly binge watches the I.D channel. Sometimes I think he watches the crime shows to get ideas on what he wishes he could do. When I asked him why he's always watching those shows his answer is he thinks that his stepchildren are out to get him ,I stated to him that he was full of it and that he's the one out to get everyone else. Until I started watching videos and reading up on his disorder, I never took any of what he's been doing seriously, but now I do. I'm planning on getting a night job that way I can be home in the day time while he's at work and at work at night when he's home. I'm experiencing the silent treatment which is a good thing, it's giving me time to think about my exit strategy.
Blessings to you with your plan may God give you wisdom in this🙏 I think you are making the right decision✔️ If I can suggest any worthy advise: keep your distance, indicate to him honesty. That you are going through a "change of life" within yourself. If he is reactive, calmly point out how he is reacting and that it is not responsible of him. Avoid getting into an argument and don't entertain his bad behaviour. Ask him to calm down and say that you'll talk about it when he is in the right mind to talk with you. Avoid triggering paranoia and allowing him to be paranoid. Always have an "emergency bag", know your escape door, a spare set of keys, money kept in an account only you can access or hidden, but not in the house. Never let him know where your ID, your credit Card's, nor where you bag is. Protect your self and your personal financial and asset investments at all times. If he shows signs of vengeance, remove your self from the situation as best you can and speak later to him on the phone or message. If he is agressively reactive, message to him with honesty pointing out his bad behaviour and that you are no longer going to put up with that considering what you are already conflicted with within yourself. If he remains agressive, don't answer his call's, message him and tell him that this is what your doing and if he persists, you will change your number and have nothing to do with him. Try to encourage him to self assess his bad behaviour as he is being nothing helpful and is acting like a child of a 12 years old. Be boring and delete your salvation conversation messages anything relating to him on computers and phones. Eg, even delete this message. At some point, you may wish to have nothing to do with him as he cannot be trusted and at this point I highly recommend you change your phone number and have nothing to do with him. Leave the state or country❗ after telling him you don't want to have anything to do with him, whatever it takes. Say to him you will protect yourself if you have to and if he persists you will seek police protection. Try to make your transition, as easy, as well funded as you can and establish your new life without him. Take time to assure yourself you no longer have to worry and that he won't be bothering you nor stalking you. Until then, best not to engage in other relationships as he will find out and that will give him all excuses for vengeance of escalating levels. Take the time it takes, be honest and assertive with your better plans for yourself. I hope this is encouraging and positive for you, without saying too much about myself, I understand your concerns and distress. 🙏🙏God bless you, ensure you have supportive family and an understanding freind. We are all not perfect, but we don't have to live with someone who makes life unpleasant and puts fear into our life. There are better ways to seek and live rather than time wasted with this shallow short sighted types of people. "They are not rocket scientist" and they are unhelpful. Don't depend on him for anything if you cannot pay him back nor return the favour. Establish your own place and own life away from him.🙏🙏🙏
I personally would not mention going to the police to the perp, just go to them when you're ready but don't give him the heads up, I know from experience that the mere mention of police sent him into a more furious anger, furthering my endangerment. Do plan ur exit in secret and be ready to leave on the fly at any moment,bc the right moment will arrive., pay attention to the signs. Gather evidence on him if you can. Stay safe and much love! !!!!
Thank you! I knew he was narcissistic. Never realized he had a strong sadistic streak, but listening to this, I realize he did. I stayed for much longer than I should have, I felt completely trapped, with two young kids, isolated, and religiously felt divorce was wrong. Thank Goodness my eyes were opened before I was seriously injured or worse.
Sounds like my ex.i stayed because of religious feeling that it would be wrong to divorce .almost as if i was going to make the unpardonable sin , and scared to leave thinking i wouldnt be able to survive out there as a single mother. but i did leave him and it was the best decision i ever made.he was sadistic, can be aggressive or violent very suddenly. In the end i started to see evil in his eyes and i knew me and my kids wouldn't be safe around him
I remember the time when my husband started moving down that road. The final straw was when he begun to make criticising jokes on my account which i didnt find funny. So i asked him what he thinks about relationships. Is it normal that partners look at each other and treat each other as opponents and enemies or should partners stick together and be friends? I wouldnt remember it if it wasnt for this video. I didnt even notice how much our rship improved since then. It could be that most of the couples who experience tension and lack of respect from each other are just lacking the insight they are a team, not enemies.. i am sure in most cases it is not a full blown sadistic dysfunction at all. Just lack of boundaries Thank you for making these videos dr Grande
A lack of boundaries is really dangerous for a relationship. My mom has nonexistent boundaries and every single partner she’s had the last 40 years has acted like a narcissist or in a sadistic manner towards her. She instead processes everything slowly on the inside. She’s already developed feelings and then she’s afraid to set boundaries in case of rejection. She thinks with her feelings in this smaller picture where sucking up a bad behavior this once is preferable to taking the risk of rejection and abandonment. Problem is it will always lead to more and they lose respect and take her for granted. She might try to gently stand up for herself, but it falls on deaf ears. She gives up and goes quiet while processing everything internally, all the while the partners unbeknownst to them continue to feed fuel to the fire. This time she doesn’t say anything at all, just lets it happen. Then when she’s done and has completely gotten rid of all her feelings she’s finally ready to leave them. For them it’s like a bolt from the blue and they are distraught and want to do anything to fix the relationship, but she feels nothing by then and is ready for a door slam. If she was more assertive and confident early in the relationship this would never happen. She’s never managed to have a relationship that didn’t follow this pattern and she’s had plenty in those years. I wish I could help her fix this :/
@@binkao2938 Rough and presumptive as this may sound, I'd suggest she accept the lack of love she received from her own parents (ugly pill to swallow). Once she can do that she won't be so desperate for it as I think love gets incorrectly incorporated with validity of being when parents are very conditional in their affection. I can't recommend inner child work enough... Once she has genuine self value/self compassion, boundaries are easier to generate. From my own experience.
You have described my 36 year marriage. He was everything described. All 10. Threw out my 43 qualifications. Told me I thought I was better than him when I was a Samaritan. Always tried to scare me. Made me late in the beginning for work set clocks back. Not allowed to work. Isolated. Demanding and humiliation. Tried to make me jealous. Very sadistic. Shocking you have described all my marriage and porn addiction too. He is all 10 of these could write a book. Not allowed to sleep kept tired. Called slave had to do everything. I stayed indoctrined hypnotised and needed him I stayed through such horrific things. I left 17 times but he always got me back. I know all the tactics now been taught them all now by a fantastic counsellor.
I worked 8a-5p. Was told that when I clocked out at 5, I had to be home at 5. Work was 15 minutes away from home. When I stated that it was impossible, he said I'd better figure it out. We're divorced. So many of the examples in this video were exact experiences for me.
I grew up with a dad like that always happy when you are ill, or going for surgery. Just wakes up to hurt you and make you feel terrible. My mom suffered so much I thank God she is ok
Could you please do a video on your view of Prince Andrew and his BBC interview regarding his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein? It would be very interesting to hear your opinion on the matter.
Oh trust the video! Attention is just the tip of the iceberg. It's so much deeper than that. Control issues are another big one. And if the wife complains, he'll absolutely love to blame her for being crazy & thoroughly digs it in with great pleasure.
@@kathryncarter6143 I don't mean attention seeking in a positive light. The focus has to be on them at all times and if it isn't you will pay in some passive aggressive way, I suppose that's where the controlling jealous sabotaging behavior comes in.
Dr. Grande, This is a fabulous video and I just heard it but plan to re listen immediately. Women (and they do exist!) who idealize marriage and girls who are dating should listen to this with both ears!!!!!
I have already heard it twice and it jogged the memory of a strange obscene phone call a sick ex once left me... I have to hear this again. THANK you for helping us to heal before the holidays begin next week. Many of us will be less lonely due to actively processing the benefits of being single!! It is a gift!
Compared to his mother, he was usually a "nice guy".. but over time, the effort was too much to maintain all the time. Life was awful. His pleasure in making life miserable was sickening. You're right, it's often "sharing the pain" in ways that "sharing the joy" would be praised.
@@LuciaInman YES I am grateful for my bad relationships because I can warn the young girls.. and some boys too... We really do go in hoping to get the love we missed out on and THAT is our downfall...
@M Z I had a brother who told me not to get sexually involved because men just thought you were cheap forever... but they would use you anyway... I never met one guy through my brother and I figured out why... They don't want the girls to find out what is going on during the experimentation phases....... Sad sad world...
My first husband had about 5 of these sadistic traits. It didn't take long for me to begin to hate him. I kicked him out when my kids were 1 and 2 and finished college with excellent grades.
My first husband often tickled me in a very tortuous way just when I was most tired and ready to sleep. It was hard to get away and to get him to stop. To this day I am terrified of being tickled. When I tried to tell people and him how horrible it was no one was concerned. It just made people laugh and think I was just a kill joy. He teased and used humor and sarcasm to bring me down too --always making light of something very serious and abusive. He could use his humor for good too so it was confusing. He sabotaged my efforts to go to real estate school too instead saying he would go in my place because I needed to stay with the children at night. This was after I had saved up the money and paid for it. After three weeks he dropped out. Those are just a few examples..
I am happy that you exist. It is scary how accurate this is. OMG, even the details, like college, destroying my money is accurate. You are the only one who talks about things that match my experience. I watched the videos about narcissism, but it never matched 100% with my experience. And I was tired that there was so much information about the narcissist and the psychopath, but there was zero information about the Machiavelli sadist. I would add morbid jealousy.
The person I'm with is sadistic. I think he gets off on my pain. No evidence of physical cheating but he flirts online with his colleagues or friends obsessively and openly. He makes embellished coments, has no boundaries. He also flirts with women who look nothing like me or are nothing like me, generally beneath me in looks and status. I think he does this to make me feel like I'm inadequate or not enough. One of the women he flirts with now went to high school with me and was considered the most unattractive girl in the school.
10 out of 10. When I left at 40 years old it was really hard for me to get any kind of help. I’ve been trying for years but the shelters were all full. Even though I had head trauma and severe spinal cord damage. Super hard for people to understand who haven’t lived through such an extreme violent sadistic relationship. Even people who deal with women of domestic violence had a hard time understanding my odd needy behavior. I needed to have somebody tell me what to do.I still have difficulty making choices. And rather would be told what to do then to formulate my own plan.I don’t argue. I don’t like being around anybody who does. I do great in therapy because I do exactly what I’m told to do. But improvising is really difficult for me still. I also do really good in a workplace. I am a dream employee. But sometimes I can be irritating to people because I ask so many questions because I don’t want to do anything to make people mad. Still walking on egg shells eight years later. And almost equal amount of time in therapy and self-help groups. My PTSD looks like combat PTSD still have wicked nightmares and yell in my sleep. I freak out whenever somebody tries to take my picture or video. Because many times he would videotape himself kicking my ass. I actually found a online support group and two other women had one of the same twisted humiliation tactics he did to me. Won’t go into detail because I find it inappropriate. One of the questions I would ask myself where do they learn this? Is it generational passed down? Is it a right of passage when a boy gets to be a certain age they take them out and tell them how to do this twisted stuff to their women? A lot of my abuse was before google and access to information. And I don’t see this type of guy going to the library and getting a book. Yet somehow the tactics seem to be repeated.
They learn it from their mentally sick parents. All mentally damaged people are a product of bad parenting. Even a child who is born with a naturally lower level of empathy can become decent adult if his or her parents are decent and loving people. Monsters are not born, they are created. There are also cases of kids who suffered brain injury and their brain became defective, but even this is something caused by external influence, not purely genetics. Just like there are no dogs born evil and agressive, they are no humans born evil and agressive. Please, don´t believe there is some twisted rite of passage which turns all boys into monsters who abuse women because this is not truth. There are good people and bad people of both genders. For example my brother is the dependent and submissive type and he´s easily used by other people. My male cousin was almost raped as a minor (about 14 years old) by an older girl when he was very drunk for the first time in his life. Stay strong, trust in yourself, and good luck in your future life. :)
Starts at 1:50. 1. Domineering and threatening. 2. Angry when wife talks to others if he perceives her as seeking support. 3. She's never good enough; provokes insecurity, constant threat of infidelity. 4. No reprieve; keeps her afraid and tired; unmoved by pleas for compassion. 5. He's psychopathic, narcissistic, or marchiavellian. 6. He limits access to resources (money, education). 7. He blames her for everything. 8. He takes pranks too far and blames her for being too sensitive. 9. Parental alienation; he turns the kids against the wife. 10. He's demanding when it comes to sex and wants her to suffer in sex. The goal: pain, suffering, embarrassment, humiliation, control.
This definitely came out much sooner than I had hoped, as well as provided very helpful, clearly defining descriptions I deeply appreciate. Thank you very much!
OOOFF this hits home hard. My ex use to send me laughing faces when he was verbally and emotionally abusing me. He would gaslight super fast by saying one thing then his very next text would say i never said that lmao what is wrong with your brain Amanda? With a ton of cry laughing faces. Along with horrible verbal abuse and anytime I would literally beg him to stop he would just laugh. I had such a severe panic attack I couldn't breath and felt like I was having a heart attack and I was on the ground BEGGING him saying please I need to go to the hospital and he pushed me with his foot like I was a dead animal and said get tf out of my house or I'll call the cops... later on he would say "I thought you were just fucking with me" I started experiencing such intense derealization all day everyday. It was the scariest time of my life.
Unfortunately, Dr. Grande, this is the life I have lived for 25 years. It has been a living hell. I am trying to muster the courage to leave. My husband hits all the 10 marks for sadism. My greatest fear right now is that if I leave he will turn my 3 adult unmarried daughters against me. Then I will have no one left. I have no parents and no siblings. Still have scars from childhood. My parents were sort of Narcissistic and made me into the scapegoat/invisible child. They were of no support at all during my life, and even did mean, cruel things to hurt me, destroy my self-esteem, punish, and humiliate me. They were monsters. Then I married the mirror image of my parents. I pray that God shines His light on me and gets me out of this living hell.
My husband sneaks up on me to scare all of the time. I told him after he had done it several times that because of childhood abuse- wherein they would sneak up on me and then attack me, but he continued to do it. He wakes me up off and on all night as well, whether I have to work the next day or not.
This is horrible and this guy also risks he will be shot or stabbed or whatever once because the first instinctive reaction I would have would be to fight for life. I would assume there´s a robber or killer in the house.
OMG This is a great video. I hope that single people will watch it so that they can watch for these signs before they get too attached to a sadistic person. I dated someone who had all the characteristics you describe. BOY, am I glad that I didn't "need" to be attached to someone like that. Thank you, Dr. Grande!
I just can't believe a woman would stay with a man like this. So Doctor, is this behavior hidden when first meeting/dating (otherwise, if he acted like your description), why would any woman marry a man like this? Love your videos Doctor! It's always nice to see your face pop up! Hope you and yours are well!
@@maidenmarian1 Isn't it sad, when all we want is to be loved and be secured. Such devious men should all have to wear blinking collars, since they don't speak truth! My heartfelt love to all those women, that have experienced this!
Wife: "Honey on my way to work today my brakes on my car just STOPPED WORKING!! My brake lines had been severed!?" Husband: "HAHAHAHA GOTCHA!! You should have seen the look on your face when you realized you couldn't stop & you really thought you were gonna die! LOLOL"
@Siobhan Fogarty I know. I feel relieved. I really do. It is not just this video, it is so many things. It is just the realization that I can nurture the good friendships I already have and forge special bonds with hand picked friends and keep working on becoming more healthy and being satisfied with the way things are. It is better to be happy and single than to be married or in a committed relationship and unhappy. I just want to work with what is.
@Siobhan Fogarty I am refusing to look to someone else to make me happy. I am trying to build and am building my own happiness in the present and I am grateful now and for the past.
Thank You, this is very interesting to me and realize it’s difficult to see the real reason behind someone’s behavior. I’ve been listening to behavior traits of a Narcissist and it’s something I have become to realize in people. It’s very shocking to me of how many people have both of these traits. I feel and realized a lot of people have childhood traumas in there subconscious which they project these traits onto others and never realize they have a problem and continue this personality. They don’t realize they haven’t admitted or tried to see the harm they are causing others. They have to much Pride and Ego to admit or seek help. Having Faith in God and living by His word is what has been missing in our society today. They claim to be Christians and wear a Mask like that doesn’t apply to them. I Pray for Peace and Love in this world, but everyone has their own responsibility to do the Right Thing with a Clear Heart. The Golden Rule is simple and No One seems to follow a simple act of kindness. Thank You 🙏🏻 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🌹
I feel nervous so I have to put in statistics so I can mediate my own experience so here it is 3702 views and 249 comments. Here as I start are 10 traits: 1. Domineering and threatening 2. Angry when wife talks to others 3. Wife ever good enough 4. No reprieve. Acts sadistic continually 5. Personality - psychopothy ..cynical. Dark Tetrad 6. Limiting access to resources. Complain about Money. He is in control. 7. Education, wants go college. 7. Blaming wife for everything that goes wrong. Wants wife to worry. 8. Husband takes pranks too far...poor judgment. Hiding car keys, lost job. Wake her up with loud noise. 9. Parental alienation. Mostly turn children against husband... 10. Husband is dominant in terms of physical intimacy... It helps to establish my own heart... ThAnks Dr. Grande, I love these videos. It helps me gain control over my 3motions. 💔🍎💔🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Could you do videos on sadistic father's/mother's abusing sons/daughters? Could you mention sexual abuse, recruitment(trys to get kids involved with their scams and conditioning them), and abuse to the family pet? Theres more, but knowone ever talks about these things and people who are in the early stages of abuse needs to know how bad it can be before it gets too serious.
I'll be honest i'm lucky to have my wife, She always talks about her belly after our 2nd child and does alot of cardio and she eats healthy and is doing good to lose it and give her more confidence! She's always ask me how her belly looks and i tell her the truth, I tell her she does a good job but belly or not i'm even more attracted to her now then when we first started dating which is to say the least a whole lot!
Thank you for your videos, they are great! I wonder if you could do a lecture about collective group narcissism (this is topic I am currently very interested in).
@@maidenmarian1 It can be any group (workplace, office, church, police department team, etc.) but with narcissism trait as a whole, instead of just one person.
@@LadyMngwa Yeah, I can see this. As a social worker I have seen it in groups of professionals and as I teacher perhaps I have seen it, as well. Administrators can have it. Often they do.
We stayed so long because of sheer exhaustion ... Until we realise if we don't leave , we will die mentally or physically. And that gives us a real reason to start fighting for OUR LIFE and it's worth fighting ..... You then can and will live again... I did and my kids have and we are better of having left than we ever did stay..... LEAVE and plan it safely. Rememeber they may have cameras watching you .. your phone may ever be bugged, tracked on car, phone, belongings .... I'd suggest to just leave and leave belongings behind. Change the locks and keep the keys.... That way your belonging are somewhat safe and they can't get in . Come back when it's SAFE to do so once cops get the perp.... I've lived this life twice... I know what to do to save you and your children. XX namaste. XX pm me if you need help. Plan, document everything, and hide that book. You may be getting drugged, raoed, abused while being drugged ..... Mine went all the way... And he still won't stop till were dead.... He will need to kill me before he gets my children !!!!! Stay safe people these POS don't care for you're life. Your just a sick game. While you play their game they win.... WALK AWAY.... Actually RUN !!!! And don't ever go back. They will kill you .... That's not worth dying for... :( I'm thankful me and my kids are all alive. Now we have to stay alive. :(
My ex-narc husband just loved to criticize how I looked. It was like he thought everything was a ‘competition’…about who had the best ‘eye candy’ on their arm. And he always wanted to be the winner…so the criticisms were cutting and endless. I guess he assumed he was the best looking guy in the room, so…he needed a date that shone as brightly as he did. 🙄 One problem…I never needed (or wanted) to have the spotlight on me. I was good being on the same level as everyone else.
Doctor, I have a friend who admitted to me several years ago that he had issues like this. Specifically, from what I remember he told me there were occasions when he had an almost overpowering urge to hurt certain children. He is a father with two daughters and I was concerned for them, but he said he NEVER could have hurt his own girls, and that these impulses were only felt in regards to other peoples kids, and only in 4 or 5 specific instances. From what he told me, there was not any specific set of criteria in the children, such as age, gender, race, etc... he either felt the impulse, or he didn't. He didn't elaborate on any specific abuse, and only said that he had difficulty in his younger years controlling it. I suggested he see a therapist, but I'm curious if this is something you've ever seen before.
How could anyone let him get to the husband stage? How many warning signs did you ignore before the wedding? I kissed quite a few sadists in my dating days, but never the same one twice. Run away at the first hint of selfishness and never look back, NEVER. Better to be alone for the rest of your life than be trapped with a selfish man, let alone an abuser.
I agree. But the problem here is if the victims are from abusive family (which they always are) they don´t even realize how toxic this behavior is because they don´t know anything better. They believe it´s normal. Like children who are growing up in the country where the war conflict is the only thing they know and they see mine fields and bombing and shooting as normal things.
One symptom of a narcissistic personality disorder is sadism, such as when someone enjoys hurting animals or people and seeing others in pain. Antithetical to sadism and narcissism is a kind of personality that involves enjoying others being in control and approval-seeking😔✨☘️🙏
Two boyfriends like this. Parental Alienation was used on a mutual pet immediately following exploitation & open betrayal. Clear signs of sadism, according to this expert description.
My friends husband told her that he neglects her to make her needy, in order to get her attention on him. is this sadistic ? Neglecting her on purpose?
Gee my husband was Narc n Etc . He's gone now as of 9 yrs. I had left n he passed of a heart attack before divorce. I thought he was prince charming!! Thanks
Hi Doctor Grande, happy holidays as well. Wow, what an interesting video. It sounds like Stockholm syndrome and abuse through coercion as well as undo influence. It really made me sad as I understand that kind of dynamic inn relationships. To have this belief system that over is trapped and captive is very disheartening. I think the best thing may be to get the couple in therapy together thereby allowing for some outside influence. That is if it is possible. The damage is really done to the mind. The wife needs to tell someone no matter what the husband says. I can't help but think that these two are acting out some scenario from childhood. The repeated almost ritualized behavior. Regardless, this is a lot like leaving a cult. The thought that the dominant one had all the answers and there is no life without him. As I get closer to being a counselor I hope I can help in cases like this. I know it must be painful and frustrating if there is only so much one can do. Thanks Doctor Grande, have a great Thanksgiving.
Dr. Grande, you're describing my marriage. My husband wore me out physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally drained me. He hid my weapon and on the occasion he would sleep in the same bed, I woke up with bruises. This continued for over 2 years. Meanwhile, my car keys, my clothes, and other personal items. He constantly played people against me. Others came into our home and cursed me due to his manipulation. I had to lock my door at night bc I was afraid I would be another Shannan Watts. I thank God I left his terrorism in Oct 28 2019. Now he's trying to get me with abandonment. My husband told me that he didn't have money and refused to buy food. He constantly screamed at me from my locked door in order to wake me up at 3AM. found out that he had over $300,000 . Im broke financially while he walks away with all of his! Will this hell ever end?
This video is the most spot on one I have ever watched . By #8 I was on the verge of tears . I finally got him out 5 years ago, but will be forever damaged by our 10 years together .
Someone I was introduced to says they’re sadistic. First Leo’s usually are my love/hate and I see a few signs similar to my ex. Narcissistic tendencies. 🚩🚩
Blows my mind how prevalent this information is and how little people pretend to know. I'd add another one to the list the desire to have everyone in the abused life attack the victim as well.
Speaking of Male Sociopaths, that guy in Colorado, Frazee is classic APD. He triangulates , smears, blame shifts and has the sociopath smirk. Dr. Grande, this is a "no brainer " for your next video. He triangulated his mistress and tried to recruit his cell mate. He thought that since there is no body, that "he" the great narcissist could not be charged. I'd enjoy hearing your take. Mine is Narcissistic Sociopath.
If I am enjoying listening to this am I a vicarious sadist, myself? I kinda like vicarious sadism on other women, of a mild degree. Like in stories or movies. But, definitely not on real existing women.
Thank you for bringing this into light, Dr. Grande!! My ex narc fulfilled 9 of the 10 while I was still inside. It's interesting to learn about it, but to be inside was a living nightmare. Thank God, when we rely on Him daily, Jesus Christ is the source of strength to go through it daily, while raising the children. Again, thank you, Doc, and God bless🙏🤞
@@blurrylights6344 I looked it up. Very shallow stuff. It is stuff derived from the street and is abusive to women and about the power of a pimp slapping the prostitute. It is degrading to a woman. Not even as interesting as I thought. Just street talk. No connection to anything deep and cultural just about slapping a woman to get her to work for you. : ( degrading.
