10 Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder Exposure | Effect of BPD on Partners 

The never ending testing and devaluation were the hardest for me. There is no worse feeling than knowing you put everything you had into a relationship that wasn't real.

My wife was diagnosed with BPD in 2008 and the only thing her doc told me was about the black and white thinking. There was never a gray area. We were together for 28 YEARS !!!! I always put up with it cus she was my best friend and always had been. Then about a year and a half ago I finally reached my breaking point when I realized she was doing it to our kids also and she had developed severe anger to go along with everything else. We tried to get her help but it was during COVID and there was no help. So after 28 years I took our kids and left. She tried everything from threatening to kill herself on a daily basis, to wanting to kill me, to crying and pleading for me to return. It ripped me apart but I had to think of my kids. It's a strange feeling to pray with everything you got for your soulmate, whom you have loved your entire life, to find another man. Eventually she did and it was like we didn't exist anymore, only him. I couldn't comprehend how she could do that to me but especially her own children. So I started doing more research on her disorder and now realize she can't help it. Its not an excuse mind you, or change anything. But it did give me some peace. Now I spend all my days and nights focused on our kids and looking after myself (which I neglected forever) while she is living it up with the new guy and they are doing the honeymoon phase thing. After all the abuse for all those years it's just another hammerblow. I'ts ingrained in me not to feel anything for myself in the way of pity and to push my own feelings aside, that's what they do. I wish there had been some type of reward at the end for all the suffering you go through but I am having to realize that having my freedom and not walking on eggshells everyday will have to suffice. I just wish now that I had made the decision to leave a long time ago. I still love her, and hate her. But at least I understand it more. Just wish somebody had told me all this years ago. Anyway, if someone out there is going thru something similar I suggest you find help. Especially with kids involved. My wife wasn't evil or mean like some people think, she is just sick and confused and I hope she can find peace someday.

My ex strongly exhibited all 9 symptom criteria. People that have not experienced this type of dynamic relationship truly do not understand the horror.

I feel like he’s talking directly to me. Everything he said applies. I hate BPD, it’s ruined my life.

I have been out of that loop for three years now. I recognize most of these. Due to my exposure, my own personality have changed. Where I would previously always think the best of people and give everybody a chance, I now cut relations short with borderlines and narcissists upon the first aggression. It was my forgiving and understanding persona that allowed the abuse to go on for so long. Now after shortcutting people immediately if they attack I have been able to understand and feel that the majority of people out there have no need to attack you. People with a healthy empathy, which is actually the majority of people you meet, will never use the manipulative strategies, the entitlement and will never randomly accuse you for things. And I appreciate how adult communication just works and make sense with the majority of people out there.

I was married to a BPD. She seemed to hate me, but did not like it when I left for work in the morning. She would often start a fight or a crisis to try and prevent me from leaving. Then when I was at work, she would text me constantly trying to get me to come home. Then she began threatening to kill herself while I was at work. A few times, I left work to go home and check on her, which put serious strain on my performance at work. Finally on one occasion when she threatened to kill herself, I called 911 and the police went over. She would not answer the door, so they kicked the door in. She was just laying in bed watching TV. This was only a small fraction of the garbage that went on. I divorced her.

I had a partner with BPD who never got help for it and she almost killed me. We talk so much about “being there for you partner” if you are not the one with the disorder, yet partners really suffer and now in talks about that. Never again. I am much more cautious and am still recovering after 5 years. Thank you for this post it’s validating and helpful.

Great video Dr Grande! I am diagnosed Borderline myself. However, I agree with everything in this video. I have been dating my fiance for about 5 years now (got engaged recently). I got diagnosed in the beginning of our relationship. Due to my conservative catholic family, I had never dated anyone in my life before. That presented many many problems in our relationship: jealousy (extreme one, I'm ashamed to say), abandonment issues, problem prioritizing important activities over my SO. It was chaos in the beginning (like after the honey moon phase, we were dating for 1.5 years)! My fiance then told me to go see someone because it isn't normal to be that way. Despite feeling all those things intensely, I also agreed. I didn't like being this way. It is completely exhausting. It takes a toll on everybody. Not just the pwBPD. My fiance had stopped a lot of activities he loved like going to the gym, making music, and what not because it was necessary for him at the time for him to be there with me in order for me to be okay. That is not okay. This isn't healthy. Since my diagnosis I've taken upon myself to try the best I can to get better. I work with a team that consists of one psychiatrist &one psychologist. One for my meds for borderline (anti-depressant, mood stabilizer) and for my ADHD (stimulants), my psychologist works with me a lot of things through Dialectical Behavioural strategies, grounding exercises and a lot of mindfulness and consideration of all perspectives. I also did an 11-week intensive DBT program that consisted of group therapy twice a week and individual therapy once a week. I learned a lot and I have implemented a lot of that in my day to day life. I have also downloaded a mood tracking application (moodflow, it's free btw) in order to register my pattern's of behaviours and triggers. It's helpful since you're able to choose a mood, a submood, and also write a short (or long if you prefer) note on what happened that made you input that mood. Also you can track your mood throughout the day is not just once a day and it's really helpful. I am happy to say my partner himself has also seek for help on his own and his mental health has greatly improved. He is more social and he has engaged in activities he loves that he had abandoned due to the depression. Our relationship is based on communication and trust but also compromise. Relationships take work. My point in writing all of this is to say that a lot of people with borderline personality disorder watching this may have their feelings hurt because they might feel like a 'monster' incapable of love and what not. BUT NO! please, really listen to Dr. Grande. If you don't have these extreme behaviours than this isn't referring to you. If this video somehow resembles your current relationship with your partner then you need to realize that those behaviours are not healthy. You can either choose to get better and salvage your relationship if it matters to you so much, or get healthy and better on your own for your own self, OR just be 'toxic' on your own. (please do not get offended, I am just trying to explain my thought). I feel like this is a great informative video. It also helps in situation when a safety plan is needed. It's okay to walk away from confrontation to avoid them escalating. If someone threatens you you're allowed to leave. You need to care for yourself as well. If you fall trap to these patterns then you'd be like in this video... Depressed, lack of motivation for life, afraid of being alone, feeling inadequate. Please seek for help or abandon a relationship if it takes such a heavy toll on your health and mental health well-being. If you want this relationship to work that also falls on the pwBPD. they need to know themselves that they need to change and do therapy and be willing to change. If so, there are many resources for couple's therapy though individual therapy would greatly help if things are too violent or too tense for a couple's session to be conducted. Good luck on everyone. Once again Dr Grande, congratulations on your amazing content. I'm glad you keep appearing on my recommended!

"Everyone is suffering when BPD is involved" Yup.

I was forever changed by my relationship with someone who had BPD. Psychological torture is really the simplest way I can describe it. Even after multiple rounds with multiple therapists, I still struggle with relationships to this day, especially romantic ones but even with friendship at times.

My mother has BPD. I’ve learned how to modify my behavior to minimize her moods but it makes me angry that I have to change my behavior around her when she’s the one with the problem. I’ve set very firm boundaries in dealing with her. Thankfully she moved out of state a few years ago and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I would cut her out of my life completely if I didn’t feel sorry for her. I recognize that it’s not her fault. Her father was an extreme narcissist. If you have BPD I’m begging you not to have children. It will f them up for life.

You nailed it, Dr Grande. One other thing I found (#11?) ,was that I constantly tried to stay with her because I knew (and she often told me) how distressed she became at any form of abandonment. And because I loved her I didn't want her to feel abandoned and therefore distressed - which was to my own detriment. I ended the relationship only when she physically attacked me for the second time - that was my boundary.

Glad you’ve covered this, I was in a relationship with someone with BPD for a year and it was really difficult. The thing you said about feeling like you’re complaining about an uncomfortable chair is scarily accurate to how I felt when talking about my feelings at the time.

I'm a week free of leaving my BPD gf after a little over a year together. I feel like I'm the one with BPD. This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure if anything she told me was true or not. She is a master manipulator to the point it's scary. She would change from crying no tears to full on anger outbursts in a second. I was isolated from the people I love. Her episodes were hours long and she would start arguments and then blame it all on me when I would react angrily that we were fighting about nothing. She would follow me from room to room berating me and yelling. She would block me from leaving the house when I tried to escape the argument and get space from her. I would tell her to stop and to leave me alone and she just couldn't. I would try and sleep and she would keep me awake and keep the fight going to the point it made me want to lash out at her. It's been an absolute nightmare. She called the police during our last fight that she started and that she kept going for 5 hours and that was the catalyst for me leaving. I left with what I could gather and now I'm just trying to find my sanity again. She even tried to get me to go back to her a few days later. Never ever going back.

Imagine a relationship where the wife has BPD and the husband is narcissistic....it’s true. Talk about a lot of chaos and violence.

Question - In terms of BPD exposure, I wonder how common it is for the partner to also experience signs of PTSD (anxiety, insomnia, hyper-vigilance, poor self-esteem/shame, attention difficulties, social withdrawal, irritability, even poor digestion etc). Especially if the BPD is undiagnosed and the exposed partner has no previous understanding of BPD, and thus really takes on the gaslighting/blame and is almost constantly walking on egg-shells after the honeymoon is over. I think it can feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, and the PTSD is driven home by the fact that it’s almost impossible to talk to others about what’s happening (they can’t even fathom). Reason and logic go out the window and the partner feels like they are going crazy.

I lived through this. Actually I should say survived this. I eventually hit a breaking point and I ran full speed from the toxic relationship and never looked back. It was pretty traumatic and I still have some PSD from it. That was 4 years ago.

Definitely my favorite video thus far! It's validating to hear a seasoned professional address these issues from clinical experience. That way, it really cannot be reasonably disputed. This video is going to educate so many people; hopefully including some who use these EXACT STATEMENTS due to their ignorance, naivete or willful lack of empathy when addressing men in these types of relationships. The frustration of consistently dealing with any of these signs of exposure over an extended period of time, (like in a marriage and/or when children are involved) is an explanation for why many men become depressed and resigned to possibly dying at his partner's hands, (especially if she randomly threatens to poison him while cooking dinner)! You're confused, you actually love her and want to help her, you have a family together, you made vows, you have your own issues too, it's embarrassing as a man, etc, etc. This video hit the nail on the head. I am grateful that you made a video bringing awareness to this issue, so that anybody who may currently be in this situation can feel encouraged and possibly share it with their own family, friends, lawyers, etc. and figure out the best way to handle their situation. Excellent advice, Doc! Not all relationships can be salvaged. And the sad part is, when the partner waits too long to truly address the issues, their innocent children often suffer as a result of their relationship conflicts. Thanks again for educating the masses! I'm sure this will resonate with many and save some lives along the way.💪🏽💪🏽

These are very helpful insights. A person who is in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder does not know it until it is too late - if ever. So reviewing these symptoms (effects) of being in a bad relationship may allow a person to conclude that his or her partner may have BPD. The thing is, you don't need a formal diagnosis in order to act on your observation, and in your own interest. The BPD-like partner will keep you undermined in perpetuity. Step back and try to get the big picture into focus so that you can understand what is really going on and thereby give yourself a chance to review your options for getting out.

I always had a back up plan for when things got bad. The really bad fights always happened in the middle of the night. I would have to either endure it and stay, or get me and my child out of there in a moments notice. Often times when I would stay after a big fight I would fear falling asleep because I had the fear of being attacked in my sleep resulting in bodily harm or death. Nothing you do can make these people happy. You constantly question your self worth and value. I’ve had my ex and I in counseling and she came out of the season crying in my arms and apologizing for being so messed up and thanking me for continuing to come back and want to be with her for 2.5 years. Within 8 hrs she was back on her crazy accusations and complete devaluation of me. The longer you stay with these individuals the more you emulate their behaviors.

You nailed it. I am surprised how accurate your signs are--truely 100% spot-on. All of the elements listed were common to my own experience to the nth degree. I laughed out loud when you mentioned law enforement interactions--never in my life did I have any meaningful proximity to police, but I grew very used to their presence. For anyone in this sort of relationship, please read Stop Walking On Eggshells. Get. Out.

My untreated BDP (maybe a covert narcissist too) partner for 5 years ended up devaluing me and having as her favorite new person a "friend" of mine that clearly has grandiose narcissistic traits. We have a daughter. Adding up the 5 years of abuse plus the double betrayal I ended up with severe PTSD symptoms, all of them. I am working my ass out as a single dad to snap out of this "dark night of the soul" situation because I don't plan on letting this shit linger inside of me for years. Life is too short to dwell in the past and waste precious time living in trauma. She had anger outbursts, mainly screaming and name calling. She didn't get physical with me but she festered on our daughter that was starting to show trauma symptoms, injuring herself out of frustration. She also had abandonment issues and extreme jealously. Trying to talk to her was the impossible. Jumpy, reactive, gaslighting as a norm, blame shifting, etc It truly is like being hit by a truck several times.

There is something so calming about the cadence of your videos. Intro, in-depth review of subject, and same wrap up in every video. My husband is amused by my excitement when you upload another video 😂

Randomly attacked for seemingly no reason. Powerlessness. Your video is a documentary of my past relationship

Had a breakup 2 months ago with an (undiagnosed) girl after 4 years and I'm 99% she has BDP - constantly changing moods, nothing was ever good enough, it felt like I'm with a different person every 2 weeks, frequently changing interests, goals and values, shouting with no reason at all (at me and her family members), she tried to act masculine from time to time, very disorganized, trying to act and sound smarter than she actually is, always asked for some kind of validation, openly stating to me that she's "unique"... Also, definitely caries unprocessed CPTSD from childhood due to physical abuse from her father and having a life threatening operation, both around age of 14.... and when our relationship ended, she said "I want to be alone for a long time, I need to work on myself". I said to her "Trust me, you won't be alone". One month later, she found another guy, another "soulmate", deeply "in love" and he "understands her like no one before", just the things she said to me after just few weeks of our relationship. And there goes another cycle of hers. They will never change.

This is such great content to be putting on RU-vid. This is the kind of psychology content that can really help people in a meaningful way without a psychologist being able to sit down with the person one-on-one. I'm very happy that you are producing this kind of material, as I'm sure that this is more than just interesting for people, but it can directly help those in these kinds of situations. Thank you.

I grew up with a mother with borderline. Very important for a society to be aware of. This is a very good video, summing up the exposure of bpd.

Coming out of a nine year bpd relationship. It's been 4 months, trying to stay strong! This is so helpful. Thank you Dr. Grande.

Doctor Grande you’re an amazing person and your knowledge and ability to deliver the knowledge in such a simple manner is spot on

Perfectly describes my personal hell for 9 years. The hardest is the shame involved in not being able to defend myself from her attacks knowing that I would be the one arrested.

I had a mental breakdown when I was in a relationship with my BPD partner. It's a very serious thing. I ended up staying with her to be cheated on. The impression she gave was that I deserved it because i didnt meet her impossible needs.

This video is the only resource I can find on this topic. You hit the head on the nail. I wish there were more researcher on this topic and just how damaging this personality disorder can be to people with prolonged exposure.

it’s impressive how detailed and wise how comprehensive your discussions are, notably including practical insights about lived experience. thx.

My BPD partner actually said, "I'm going to kill you in your sleep!" It took me a while to understand that she was actually serious.

I felt trapped in a relationship with a BPD... after my brothers suicide, I was an emotional wreck. She made attempts to comfort me when I was at my most depressed... but when I wasn't depressed, she was incredibly depressed over her relationships with family so I would support her... and she even mentioned that she would commit suicide if I ever left her, which made it impossible for me to actually break up with her when I wanted to. I couldn't face having 2 suicides on my conscience, so I stayed with her for years when I really just wanted out. I finally bit the bullet and broke up with her, she had a mental breakdown and then immediately found a random guy on a dating site to get back at me within a week (who also got her pregnant) I'm so glad I'm free, and I'm glad she didn't actually go through with any suicide attempts. That was a hard lesson, for the years I was with her, I was wondering what was wrong with her and with me... but finding out she was clinically diagnosed as borderline after I broke up with her, it makes a lot of sense now...

Thank you for all that information. I am living with a woman with BPD. She has been more physically and verbally abusive for the last couple of years. We have been together for almost 10 years. She is now starting to stab things with knives. She used to only destroy her own things but now she is cutting and stabbing my things. I have become fearful of even going home.

I've been studying psychology for almost 30 years and I have to say that you're incredibly good at telling how the events/situations can be look exactly 👍

Hi Dr. Grande, as a person with BPD 8 of 9 of the BPD spectrum, I sometimes can't deal with my rage which comes out of nowhere or its triggered by something, but I respond so fast I don't remember what it was that got me to go off so extremely . The depression I get is major and I have yet to find a antidepressant one that works. I have attempted suicide 4 times because of impulse . My husband of 30 years is the recipient of my rage and anger and I feel bad when this occurs. I can become violent but have been able to hold back from physical contact. I have tried CBT and DBT I am at times do become aware to control my emotion but mostly its a waste . I listen to most of your videos and have learned a lot from them, you are so concise and so knowledgable to this disorder . I save some of your videos as I find them helpful to go back to. Thank you .

Wow! I am so glad that you created this video! I identified so much with several of the affects, I actually brought hope! Something I have almost lost!

Me (has BPD): lowers volume when partner comes in Partner: thinks I’m watching porn because my face is red. Shame looks the same.

You absolutely nailed it. I'm sitting here after two years wondering why I've no friends. Barely able to work. Lost weight. Lack of confidence. Yesterday I was sitting here wondering if I was going to be arrested after yet another Police intervention but one I had nothing to do with. Police failed to communicate with as well. It's all so sad. For us both. I know I'm half the man I was. She hasn't changed at all.

Thanks for your videos😊I wonder why we BPD people can feel normal and happy (and be high function at work) for days and suddenly everything comes back😂.

I had to ask my wife of nine and a half years to leave our home this past summer. I had concluded that she was deeply narcissistic … but a lot of these things sound a lot like her as well.... according to her she had anxiety, and some OCD. I'm in recovery for CPTSD, as my father was/is NPD (officially ), for the record , I have ADHD as well (late diagnosis, two years ago this month, a week prior to my 47th bday). She was NEVER physically abusive. Though, towards the end, her deep need to invalidate and devalue me caused her to put me in literal existential danger on more than one occasion. She spent considerable energy, over a period of years, being hypercritical and trying to convince me that I was "just like" my father - a year into the relationship I had shared with her my DEEP fear that I was just like him - and she reassured me that I was nothing like him as I am I touch with my empathy, and I have no problem apologizing and holding myself accountable for my actions....did I mention she was an actor?

I was in a relationship with a woman with BPD. While she could be most enjoyable socially & in private, she was always secretive & distrusting. She was also excessively controlling. Consequently, the relationship had it's continual limits. Ultimately, she left me because of my limits. In the end of the relationship, I suffered a 4mo depression & some PTSD. The relationship was 3yrs in length. It'll probably take me a yr to get past, even with the counseling that I engaged. However, I believe that I'll always have fond & dear memories of her.

This is VERY much like living with a sibling with BPD. Thanks for yet another entertaining and informative video!

This video was eye opening and validating for me. My borderline relationship was years ago but i still revist this video and it lingers over me. I pray for whoever she ends up with.

Hello, I discovered your videos recently and wanted to say thank you. I was given a diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder last year and while I already had spent some time looking at the information available, a lot of the explanations and information you share have helped me greatly to understand a lot about what this diagnosis is about and also to have stronger ideas for what I can focus on with therapeutic treatment, once this is available. I like that you take a balanced and realistic approach to the subjects you’re discussing, and I think that once I feel safe to engage in relationships again, many of your videos will be a great resource to share with people to help explain BPD.

Frantic and desperate efforts to not be abandoned. They have thought out long and hard about how to make it hard to walk away without losing a lot including being seen by common friends and family as the abusive and neglectful partner when you do walk away. There is also what you loved about the person that keeps you there. I felt like I betrayed the person because ironically there is an odd trust they put in you in order to see the mask slip. One realizes how damaged they are and feel guilt for giving up on them. I didn’t leave as I did without a lot of thought to my own and his safety. He threatened suicide and a number of other violent scenarios if I left or if I said anything. A lot of what you said in regards to the partner applies to vulnerable narcissists as well. Thank you for this video as I do not believe many people understand how trapped a person can feel in these relationships if you decide to leave. No matter how much you plan, it is damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I understand why people stay. Thank you again for this informative video.

I love your calm teaching style! Thank you Dr. Grande 💕

I was not aware of the term Borderline Personality Disorder until months before my wife of 31 years passed away. From the very start of our relationship, began to experience many of these indicators until a few years in. Now I realize I was experiencing ALL 10 of these indicators/symptoms. Her passing was rather sudden in that she developed cancer that ultimately took her life withing 6 months. This information is very helpful in trying to reconcile my own mental health. I'm in a new marriage to a partner who is a highly skilled medical professional and understands the dynamics associated with BPD. Thank you for your post and information.

I just had a friend do an emotional drive-by on me. Having healed from CPTSD (myriad abuse ongoing, growing up), I have power-boundaries and my response to manipulation is one that is firm and clear, and no BS. She simply called me “aggressive” for asserting myself and continued in her delusion. Reflecting on the experience and her full suite of behavior, it became clear that there was some splitting taking place, and the fabrication of problems where there weren’t any in order to create an abandonment scenario to sabotage the relationship. Honestly, I questioned this initially as narcissism, but the distinct pattern of BPD is evident here. I’d like to support her to get help, but I’m not sure if I even want to contact her because, again, power-boundaries.

I dated a girl for 7 years... when things got tough she’d constantly gaslight me about us breaking up just so I would overcompensate wanting you stay together but to fix things, I’d blame myself and she would basically forget she ever said anything. She would constantly belittle and devalue me, and when things got really bad she would sometimes finally break down, apologize, and say she’d “work on it” and it was good for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks but she’d always revert to devalue me. I’ve dated women and I always loved just messing around and wrestle/tickle, goof off... but I never could with my X-BPD because even though she’d try and goof around there would be a switch in her eyes where she would go cold and look at me like she wanted to kill me. The weirdest shift ever I can’t explain there was this look in her eyes... She’d constantly tell me that it was all about me and my world, but the reality is she was projecting... it was all about her and her needs... because if at any time if something was wrong guess who’s fault it always was...mine.

Thank you Dr. G. It was a very simple and informative list. I think I may have developed some of them as my ex exhibited signs of bi polar/bpd. We were together for 5 years and I didn't realize the paranoia was related to the bpd exposure. Thank you again. I love your videos.

Can you do a video on Friendships with a high functioning borderline? Do you recommend it or not and what are some criteria to go by? (setting boundaries). I had a friendship with a borderline but the confrontation of “why aren’t you answering your phone” if I missed 1 day of talking to her was TOO MUCH. Also contacting my job to find me was a little creepy when she hadn’t heard from me. Other than that, she was a a caring friend with a ton of personality, but those behaviors are a big trigger for me. (Don’t like it). I didn’t like being “Favorite Person.”

I was involved with a woman with "Quiet" BPD who is high functioning so most of these signs never occurred. Perhaps a video on those signs someday? Instead everything went seemingly perfectly until she broke up with me over nothing. I was of course then in sign #1 of having no clue what happened or why. It took me over a year of trying to reestablish a relationship to even figure out what was going on. But the Quiet BPD, rather than being clingy and frantic to Hoover someone back in isolates and pushes away to avoid being hurt by what they believe will be the inevitable abandonment. In some ways I suspect it's harder to disengage from a Quiet one than an Externalizing one. While they do the splitting/idealization/devaluation and push-pull thing and might occasionally emotionally dysregulate and do the paranoia thing [in our case only once] they internalize and hide all the rage and threats and abuse to such an extent the partner doesn't necessarily have a reason to want to end the relationship. Instead of being pursued by an emotional train wreck I found myself pursuing a kind of Sphinx who, it took me many months to realize, was much more than just a girl afraid of being hurt. But untreated they're no more capable of a stable and healthy relationship than a conventional case of BPD.

I have a son with a borderline. It was an entrapment pregnancy designed to keep from moving away for my career. It didn’t work, and I moved away. Nonetheless, through my relationship with our son she was able to wreak absolute emotional chaos in my life. Eventually, in order to protect my wife and our son from the borderline’s drama, I had to move on from the situation. It proved to be a very positive decision, though not an easy one. A very good psychologist helped me unwind the damage that long term interaction with the borderline caused.

With the help of these videos I've come to the conclusion that my partner does indeed suffer from a personality disorder (meets many criteria for Borderline, Vulnerable Narcissist and also Dependent) obviously I am not trying to diagnose, simply understand the years of abuse I've suffered. To complicate matters more I believe I'm suffering from severe social anxiety that could certainly be classified as Avoidant personality disorder. I know I will lose all my material possessions when I leave but homelessness is beginning to seem preferable to living in this nightmare any longer. I've lost all my relationships with family and friends already so if I end up wandering the streets with a backpack full of clothes and some books, I will pay that price to have the chance at starting over.

I'm in a relationship with someone with bpd for many years. I feel like you nailed it. And if I say anything about how I feel I'm "playing the victim". Its an ongoing cycle that hasn't stopped for around 10 years. I feel like I am trapped because I do love her and want to make it work but I also fear for my future with this partner. You never know what will happen to you if you stick around and when they're gone and took away your everything what do you do then?

I related to a lot of this, some of the symptoms of BPD seemed almost to be contagious. Guilt and shame and paranoia.

Thank you for your insight. I got out of a relationship 2 years ago. It was the hardest thing to do but I was tired of living in fear of the aggression and threats to my life. If they would eventually manifest who knows but the overall stress was not healthy. I am a better person today for breaking free. And I'm no longer in contact with him since then. Not healthy for either of us. We left things on a positive note and well wishes for the future.

you don't know how much I needed this. when you started speaking on the fear of being killed by your BPD partner I burst into tears. how horrible it is to hear and to live like that is accepted just as you said also. mine is in jail waiting for 2 court dates in 2 different counties for domestic assault over 2 months ago. in a 4 year relations ship the last 9 months he had become violent and the 1st 2 years things were so good. I didnt Kno anything about bpd at all and only learned after he went to jail and I started researching what could have happened because I knew something must be wrong. I thought he was going to kill me that day. if he had made it to the woods where we almost were I think he mite have. in a rage it was all he could see. what I have been struggling with since the minute I ran that day is this..il would have let him. I probably would have done whatever he said and let him. I didn't fight back the times he hurt me. why? why why why when most of the times I had a knife near me but I knew I would have to hurt him and could kill him and I couldn't. what is wrong with me? up until a few minutes ago I thought I was just me. keep making these for the ones of us who damaged ourselves badly by loving these people. I love that man I can't lie and idk what to do when he is released. if he is raging there will be trouble;.

I met this woman who I had an incredibly deep connection with. We became partners. I began to notice the traits of BPD. Unfortunately I did not know any thing about BPD at the time. Well it was very painful and hard for me to be able understand. We traveled and while in Thailand at our Hotel we had a disagreement. She killed herself that day in a very dramatic way.

i have bpd and dont ever really have romantic relationships, I dont know how people can do it

I haven't spoken with my ex in 3 weeks she blocked me on everything after splitting and the hardest thing to come to terms with is if she ever even loved me at all or if it was all a game.

Im living with my gf with BPD. Everything you said is exactly what I'm dealing with. No matter what it's always me. I know it's not always her or it's her fault but I'm trying so hard.

Very informative and striking at how I identify with all the effects on a partner, including major depression and PTSD. I ended up hospitalized and suicidal 7 years ago and needing 45 ECT treatments. I ended up having to get my friend to drive me for many of those treatments because they were an inconvenience to my wife. She works 2-3 days/week part time. So frustrating. Thanks for posting. It’s nice to know that I’m not just a terrible, evil person as is continually reinforced...

Don’t walk away . RUN away . What destruction they can cause . Sorry if this hurts feelings but as a friend of a bpd it’s rough I wouldn’t be able to handle anything closer like an intimate relationship.

Thanks bro I don’t think you understand how helpful this video is, especially the last few minutes.

Thank you for this. You're right about the fear of death. After waking up after she'd put 6 of my 1 per night if needed sleeping pills in my dinner I decided getting out of that relationship in one piece was way, way more important than proving what was going on. She'd isolated me from friends, family, work... On her way out the door she said "Oh, I was looking up about my migraines & I think I have this..." The computer was on a page describing BPD. None of it made any sense until I got to "quiet, high functioning BPD" then my jaw hit the floor! To see a decade of suffering reduced to a list of symptoms! Right down to the phrase "Knight in shining armour."! She'd used that so much I'd made a joke out of it! To the outside world it was me who was ill. She was kind, helpful, thoughtful... But yes, I realised that survival was more important than proving it was her who was going off the rails. Not me.

Wow I felt this. "With Borderline Personality Disorder it is not unusual to see behaviour consistent with vulnerable narcissism, for example we see shame, hypersensitivity to criticism, resentfulness and distrust. Along with those characteristics comes this idea of playing the victim. With BPD we see a lack of ownership, we don't see them taking responsibility for their actions but rather framing every situation as them being the victim. As the individual with BPD talks to her friends and relatives she tends to shift the blame for her negative emotions over to her partner. Those people might believe that the partner is responsible for what's going on. They might say "If she really attacked you, why didn't you fight back?" Among the many reasons why the partner won't fight back, the partner knows the tendency of playing the victim which we see with the Borderline. The partner worries that he is going to be falsely accused of being the aggressor. We know from the research literature that a woman with BPD who attacks her partner is often injured in that process, and the partner knows that he may very well get blamed. He may hear the question "What did you to to make her that way?" So squarely shifting the blame onto the partner. Sometimes the friends and relatives eventually figure out what's really going on, and people see the pattern eventually". Two years on from a relationship I didn't even want to be in and I'm still picking up the pieces. 40 pounds in weight lost. Mental health affected. I will never be the person I once was.

My first relationship was with someone who had BPD, worst relationshit ever! Don’t move together with people like these, it will traumatize you. It was such an exhausting emotional rollercoaster, the splitting will make you mad too and the rage is scary. I was left with C-PTSD after living for one year with someone who I tried to help and love, it’s impossible and pointless. Only if they have been for years in DBT therapy and admit that they are the problem then just maybe the relationship might be worth it, otherwise forget it. The affection and great sex in the beginning is only there to hook you in, but you will pay a high price for it. They are not called emotional vampires without a reason.

Hi Dr. Grande. I loved this video, as I identify very strongly with the partner. My ex-wife, while not diagnosed with BPD by a professional, meets all of the diagnostic criteria in how she acts externally. I have OCD, and was wondering if you’d ever be willing to do a video about the effects of OCD exposure on partners as well?

I just left a relationship with a partner who might've had BPD. She was told by 2 therapists that it was bipolar but she felt it was more BPD than anything. Thankfully she agreed to therapy and I think she did go to at least the first appointment (it was for a really solid DBT program) and I wish her all the best. It's just sad that I spent so much time trying to get her well and focusing all on her when I was so sick. Now that I'm out of it, I think part of me being sick was stress from handling her. It really was all about her all the time.

Now imagine that relationship starts at early teens where your personality is not even fully developed, and imagine having it on and off + distance relationship at times and often with years of not talking, for 9 years because you’re codependent as a result of being raised by 2 narcissists that were never emotionally available to a highly sensitive kid that really needed it and helped me develop deep sense of guilt and unworthiness, pair it up with good economic status of my family in an environment where it’s rare and get complete isolation, and unavailability to share the struggle with anyone else because of the stigma “at least you don’t have to worry about how to feed yourself”. I’m a wreck of a person and only this year i figured it was BPD and nothing else she was getting diagnosed with this past year after a big psychotic breakdown. I hope things will get normal one day, but on the bright-side at least im done with throwing my self under the bus, whether its with that particular relationship, drug abuse or anything in between. I pray its not too late and i pray for all of you too. Good luck.

You are describing my parents to a T! I was injured @ work in 2013, I have to stay with them. Still fighting SSI/Workmans comp. It's a bad situation. Thanks for the insight, so very helpful! God Bless!

I don't think getting killed is unlikely. He started knocking me down and saying I only got the floor because I wasn't to frame him. Knocked to me the floor several times. Thought I might have a broken rib at one point, because the tendon or muscle injury was so bad it was hard to breath or walk. On that occasion we had both acted out and forgave each other in typical dysfunctional trauma bond romantic style. Yes it brought us closer together the next morning. Then something shifted and everything was my fault forever. He went from being a loving guy who couldn't control his rage to a cruel guy who didn't seem to want to control his rage. But of course the Archangel I fell in love with would show up just long enough to confuse me into staying about a month longer than I probably should have. Except that I'm sort of glad that I stayed until it reached the gruesome bottom, otherwise I would never really have been able to accept that my soulmate wasn't my soulmate. They have such Ravenous desire for love, Ravenous and ravishing, as they ravish you with a desire and attention, They have such overwhelming desire for love that they make you feel completely loved until they make you feel completely unloved. It's absolutely baffling.

I feel so stupid for having had stayed so long

I'm here because a woman I'm seeing for 6 months now has BPD. I keep seeing her as a person though. The major thing that happens to me is triggering my 'own' BPD-traits. I don't have BPD however, although I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was young possibly because of an unsafe emotional childhood and attachment issues (trauma). My life in the last 6 months went from relatively calm towards pretty hectic, especially if I look at my internal emotional control and increase of sensations of stress. I get inner hints that I should leave her and during a discussion with her, she knows for some reason unconsciously how to push buttons to make me insecure about myself; isn't it me, am I wrong, she is right at some points, etc. I start to believe I have intimacy issues. This seems to be dragging me down, although I find it an interesting path of self-development. I wonder if there are more people here who resonate with what I say. I'd love to see some perspectives. There aren't winners in this and there aren't losers either. For me I yet see it as an incapability to end the relationship and move on.

My BPD (UN-diagnosed) wife of 27 years left in July. She was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety in 1999. Because of her other health issues it was easy to overlook her behavior and I though I was being a supportive husband. This is how I feel, about 6 of the 10. Back in 1992 her love was the promised land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandering in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of food and water which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe. Occasionally we came upon an oasis and for a while I was content and happy. In time the spring would go dry and once again we would resume the search. I am now very tired, our water supply is a burden I no longer wish to carry. Somehow I find the strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape. Gripped by a fear of what is over the next, ever shifting, sand dune. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I'm no longer certain of our direction, but once again, there on the horizon a patch of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains. We lay down together in the cool grass but soon discover it's just an illusion. Like a mirage in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and she too is gone. I realize I've loss the faith, I give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of the way home. The sun has set and in the darkness I cannot resist the urge to look back over my shoulder with ever step. It has become second nature to worried about her, I still feel her pain and hunger, her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an alien concept and try to accept I no longer have the power to save her, even worse, I realize I never did. At the same time I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and know I will never see her again, but what am I to do with all the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose. I stain to listen, hoping to hear her sweet voice on the wind, the words of the promised land, "I now know he truly love me". Instead of the anger and distain of our last encounter, I imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I not have known all those years, we could have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with a now invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago.

Great video. I have a video topic request. Can you do a video on male midlife crisis? The causes, can therapy help? What are the signs of the crisis? What percentage of men go through this? Are certain personality disorders more prone to it? Can a “normal” man without any type of disorder go through it?

This just make me feel so shit about what I already feel shit about.

Yeah, it would be helpful if you did do it with the Male having BPD and the female being the partner who is dealing with the confusion.

Great video Doc, having just been on the rough end of 3 years with a BPD it has left me quite broken. Thank You for laying it out this way 🙏🏻

25 years the love of my life the fiery little redhead finally dumping me I'm not sure what to think!up and down and all around I still love her!

This was insightful and informative. Recognized 9 out of the 10 signs.

Went through a breakup over Labor Day weekend with my boyfriend who has BPD, and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. Silent treatment, shifting blame, told me he never loved me. Refused to talk to me on the phone to get it all sorted, would only text. It was so damn frustrating, and I still can't figure what happened.

All you spoke about without the acceptance that nothing will change and just going on I have felt and lived. Wasted years. Never again.

I totally agree that the love-hate cycles were destructive to me and my ex. He felt a lot of shame and felt he was not good enough for me. This was expressed ALL the time with paranoia, suspicion, anger/aggression & mistrust. No emotional regulation. He didn’t want me to get help from his family & friends. I was to blame & responsible for all his emotions and behaviors!! I NEVER fought back because I could see something was mentally and emotionally wrong.

I stayed in the abusive relationship with my ex with BPD cuz he used the threat of Suicide as emotional blackmail. But then things escalated to the point he was drunk and putting a gun to my head cuz he thought was cheating I left shortly afterwards

I've watched this channel for quite a while but never saw this until tonight. I was in a two-year relationship with someone who lived many states away, and we met once in those two years. The rest of the time we maintained the relationship by conversing via text and phone conversations. I was initially astonished that a person would travel literally hundreds of miles, with no rental vehicle or plans for her own motel room, just to meet me. In hindsight, it not only seems impulsively and risky, it seems really desperate. At first I had been charmed. Over time, whenever there was stress, I'd get quizzed "are you breaking up with me??!!" Later, when I was worried about being able to stay on my farm here in Maine, my partner turned that into "I can't live without you!" which felt truly manipulative. And now, after finally calling it quits, there are all these POSTS on social media accusing me of "wrecking her life." Kinda hard to do when you don't even live in the same state, and your interactions are texting and phone calls, but okay. The last two years were just so strange. I've severed contact with this person completely, and life is so much more calm now.

I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago and have since had many failed relationships. I feel awful for what my ex's went through. At the same time I would only be attracted to toxic people who also have mental issues of there own, often resuting in abuse between us. I started to believe I was a horrible person that didn't deserve happiness because I hurt anyone I love or care about. I have in recent months decided to learn to become a healthier happier life and learn to become able to function as a person and have a good life.

I remember going to bed in weird positions to minimize damage, thinking that my gf may stab me in my sleep after a big fight.

Wow thank you Dr Grande. This gave me the prospective I needed because I thought I was loosing my mind. But now I respect this n can share awareness on this situation 💙

The idealization - they don't really see you. Just what they need to see so that they feel worth about themselves. You're a thing, there to serve a purpose just as the fridge is. And you're as easily replaceable as such.

Leaving my kids dad with my kids soon. He's undiagnosed. He's either suffocating his kids or treats them as his enemy. A grown man having raging arguments with toddlers. No in between. I wish there was support specifically aimed for the families effected by this. Please for the love of God, if you don't have a family with someone with BPD do not start one. Starting my children in therapy in a few days.

My ex put me through everything you've mentioned.1-10. very good information. I feel bad for her, but I'm so happy I'm a free man like Morgan

I was with someone who has BPD. It lasted 4 years. I thought she was depressive, and maybe co dependent, but she has BPD. I didn't knew about it and it seems to me that it was never enough. No matter what I did, it was never enough. She called at my job 10 times a day, despite knowing that I couldn't talk to her. She would be angry that I didn't respond, she thought I was some place elsewhere with another woman, despite knowing full well I was at my job. She never attacked me physically, maybe she was afraid because I'm a big guy, 1,96M or around 6.6 feets. And 99kg or 220lb. Would I have known she has that problem, I would have left immediately. It's scary.

This morning I woke up to my mom with BPD whispering about me in my room saying she hated me, I’m a bitch, I’m fat, etc. I already struggle with low self esteem so it was rough. I don’t know if it was the right move but I tried my best to just pretend I was asleep. She won’t accept the diagnosis of BPD but it doesn’t change anything anyway. People with BPD are really hard to love. Definitely worthy of the love, just hard to love.

Great video. Dr Grande, have you had any experience with people with HPD? (Histrionic Personality Disorder) I'm 100% convinced my ex-wife has that. I divorced after 15 years of emotional (and financial) hell. Believe me, it's all bad for everyone involved (extended family, kids, etc). I couldn't figure out just what the hell was wrong with her, until last year I stumbled upon an article about it online. It matched perfectly and explained EVERYTHING. Just wondering if you have any additional info or references (I haven't found much). Thanks, cheers!

Just got out of a 6 month relationship with one. My advice leave and block can't help them, only they can.