I'm ok with being alone. I used to be ashamed if I wasnt in a relationship because I thought that meant I was unlovable or unwanted. I got into "relationships" that were wrong for me just so I wouldn't be alone. Now, I'm happy alone and not feeling like I have to settle for being settled for. If a good relationship comes along, great, but I am no longer pursuing them just to say I am in one
A word of advice I would give to anyone is: don't ask people when are they going to get married or have kids. These are extremely sensible and private things and none of your business ( maybe unless you're a very close friend or relative, and even then you should be able to sense if the other person feels like talking about it).
I started to feel burnt out earlier this year, and I asked if I could drop down to four days per week. They said no and threw a bunch of excuses at me, so I found freelance opportunities and quit. My husband and I are also child-free by choice and have more than enough love to give to each other and our two cats!
@@simon3101 I think we're taking the word a little too literal and traditional now 😄😊 Based on your definition, my husband and I are not a family (since the children are missing), and that's simply-happy-zen not true 😊 I believe we're not talking about the traditional definition of this word, but more about the family feeling 🥰
My 93 year old mother passed in April. I went through my photos and shredded a bunch. My family of origin was nothing but dysfunction and drama. The photos just triggered bad memories and emotions in me so.....shredding was so cathartic!
As a younger woman, I got caught up in my extended family's expectations of what I should do for them. It was quite insidious! Some individuals took advantage of me emotionally and financially because my mother had trained me to be " the family nurturer". I gave way beyond my means and realized by later middle age that I didn't have to keep doing that when there was no reciprocity. Once I started saying no and defending my boundaries, it was quite freeing. 😊
Until recently, I have been a people pleaser to the point of making myself uncomfortable. I am about 6 months into finally speaking up for myself, making my needs known and pursuing what I want.
What I like about Vera is that she is not prescriptive. She tells what works for her but never says that her life choices need to be the ones we should also make. They are merely ideas and suggestions but always simple and transferable to others if they choose to receive them. She is not a Peloton machine yelling at us to do this or that but more like the wise old people I used to know in my past who always seemed to know how to give gentle advice when I was troubled. As for the past, forget it. We cannot change it. Everybody has issues but to allow the past to dictate your future is just silly and counter productive. There is a quote from somebody: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Here we are. We can all do and think things differently if we try.
The whole having children thing is something very personal and I get tired of people just expecting that because you are married or in a committed relationship, it automatically means you have to have kids. I used to get people who would ask me frequently (especially certain family members!) when we were having kids. Why is that anyone else's business? It really hit home how rude that question was too after someone I knew dealt with severe fertility issues and desperately wanted to have children, but couldn't. I'm sure every time someone mentioned it, she was dying inside.
They're not trying to hurt you, people get excited about kids and new babies. I also get excited, but I dont want to have the baby. Lol It's not a rude question unless we let it be. And they know there is no experience like it. It's not easy but it's unique. ❤
@HolisticManifesting did you even read what I wrote? It IS RUDE. It is no one else's business and you don't know what someone might be going through. Wow. Not everyone loves babies either.
@@flohough1870I agree, not everyone likes babies and not everyone is excited to be around them. I decided that I didn't want to have kids when I was twenty something. Many people told me that I was saying that only because I was still young and that I would change my mind in the future. I hated those comments. I'm 39 now and haven't changed my mind at all.
This video is spot on. I feel the same ways about everything you said. I stopped caring or trying to understand why people react negatively to my choices to not have children, live as a minimalist, be vegan, not to engage in gossip, not be on social media, speaking up for myself, not being tethered to my phone and not following the herd.
I really hate that “starting a family” is synonymous with having children. My dog and I are a family. Two people are a family. ✌🏻
11 месяцев назад
Exactly. My bunny and I are family. I don’t need any crying little humans at all. I never did. I never will. The same goes for having a partner. I have never been happier than now, without someone around interrupting my routines. Relationships are also a social pressure that is not necessary in today’s existence.
I say this all the time. I happen to be married with three kids, but that isn't the definition of family. Family can look like a lot of different things.
I have been thinking about #3 a lot. People have always wanted me to talk more. For most of my life i have been pushing myself to speak more. I realized that-yes it makes a lot of people uncomfortable that i am quiet... but I so happy being more quiet and I'm starting to think that is their problem that i have been taking on just to make everyone comfortable but me. Wow it feels so much better to a less likeable person vs. Being a fake likeable person.
I know what you mean :) I get quieter when I'm really enjoying something. Like good food or a walk in nature. Nothing wrong with being quiet when that's just who you are :)
@@SimpleHappyZen I heard that the word “glimmer “ is now used as the opposite of “trigger” so it’s feeling positive and hopeful instead of negative and anxious. Isn’t that great?
I really liked your take on the 5am routines. I wake up at 5.30-6am every day mainly because of work. Watching these routine videos makes me feel a bit like I'm failing my morning because although I wake up early, it's a fairly slow morning routine: feed the cat, make breakfast, read or watch YT, get ready for work...no working out or anything too productive!
I used to turn to the tv to watch the News as habit….BUT I find it full of negativity and mostly informs on events that I have no influence over. These reports played on my mind and emotions leaving me feeling fearful, despairing, angry and helpless. II now check on line and can therefore read the items that I chose to and don’t feel bombarded anymore.
As someone in their thirties who is only now learning to properly set boundaries, I can relate to what you said! Personally, I’m trying to care less about what family members expect of me or how they might comment on my appearance. For instance, I’m starting to get white hair strands and some family members act as if that is the end of the world! They want me to dye my hair immediately. I understand that this comes from their own insecurities, so I’m trying to set boundaries accordingly and not let their views make me insecure. Easier said than done, though! :-)
Thanks so much for sharing Charlotte! Wow, I can't even begin to understand sometimes why people feel like it's okay to say what they say... I think it's amazing you're aware that this stems from their own insecurity and that you're being graceful in the whole thing. Definitely I understand the 'easier said than done' thing. You can always let them know this is hurtful for you, and it's not their place to comment. Anyway, I love that you're making your own choices here and doing what feels right for you! I personally love it when people's hair gets mixed in with white or grey, I think it's beautiful :)
@charlottea look up the silver revolution 😊 More and more women are embracing their gray/white hair. I'm 34 and stopped dyeing my hair over a year ago. It's just a mindset shift really. Now I'm looking forward to getting more grays, people pay loads of money for a look we eventually get naturally with age!
@@CrinaBucur Yes! After having a mild case of Covid around Christmas 2021, I started having hair loss issues and after discussing it with my hairstylist, decided that continuing coloring it was probably not going to help any, so I just stopped. My hair feels so much healthier too! And it all grew back in. I did see someone a few days ago that had grey hair and they used a lavender wash and it looked super cool, might try that, but I'll never go back to full on hair color.
I stopped caring about being productive ALL day. I now give myself permission to stop and listen to music at least once a day, not as something in the background but to sit down and really hear what the artist wants to say. I also take a a 90-minute lunch break, which includes a nap.
Thank you for the video. It's good that it was mostly about mental decluttering. A long time ago, a guy friend I had at work told me, "Nobody really cares about you," and it took me decades to learn what he really meant. This took lots of pressure off me as far as pleasing people, and it led me to live a more authentic-to-myself life. And yes, my cat and I are a family.
Vera, I no longer linger on worrying. I come from a long line of worriers and I don’t want to live that way. Worrying about things we can’t change is such a thief of peace and joy. It’s taken a lot of practice but it is vey liberating to not worry!
I totally agree with you about standing up for myself. I've struggled with this since a young child and now I am old and still have difficulties in it. Maybe one day I'll get it right. I just never want to hurt anyone's feelings...and if I stand up for myself it feels uncomfortable, awkward, and unfamiliar.
Once I've read that a child is willing to meet almoset every expectation of others because unconsciously knows that is unable to survive just by itself. And that is it's survival strategy. I was that child for so long. Now I started carrying more about myself, about how I really feel, about what I want and I started the process of detaching from others expectations. Thank you Vera
I think the one thing that has changed for me is i let go of what people might think about a partner i choose. I base my choice soley from the fun and ease the relationship feels and the joy we bring each other. Life is short enjoy it with someone who can enjoy it with u
I bought 3 magnetic witeboards and a world map sticker fron ikea and put all our magnets collected in travels. Looks awesome, was pretty cheap compared to the size and brings back all the great tarvel memories!
I recognized myself in a lot of the things you talked about today and agree, I am glad that I have learned a different way. I don't regret things but I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I had learned these things sooner. Great video and I realy like how transparent you are so that the rest uf us knows that we are not alone in these things.
Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed the video 🤗❤️ We're never too old to learn, and we might feel like we wish we had learned these things sooner, but in the end, when you are open to learning and growing, that's where the magic happens haha :) So be proud of yourself!
Great video Vera 🖤 I stopped caring about toxic/narcissistic exes and toxic people who were in my life and stopped even giving them my attention and it has been so freeing. Also, I think other’s expectations of you or them pressuring you about something they think you should be doing has more to do with their own issues than with you
Your way of being, expressing yourself and your honesty is so refreshing. I always enjoy listening to your thought trails and conclusions. Thank you again, dear Vera, for doing what you do and for being so authentic - so much resonates or makes me giggle 😁
I have had trouble standing up for myself sometimes too. I’ve tried to take care of others and put my feelings aside but it got to be too much. I’m practicing too. It’s uncomfortable but I’m always glad I did it. 😊
I'm glad to share with you that lately I have been able stand up for myself, not to allow people to push me around and speak when I need to. But hey sometimes I'm still being brushed aside . I guess that's life.
I grew up with two older brothers (7 and 8 years older) so I had like 3 fathers and that way I already learned at an early age to speak up for myself. Being insecure does effect your own image and I noticed that although I was very insecure when I was younger things got a lot better when I got older. Now I don’t care what I look like or what other people are thinking of me as long as I like myself and the way I look according to myself. And indeed gossiping is such a waste of time and energy. It is much more fun to tell nice stories about people. I always learned that you don’t get better yourself by talking negative about other people. Great video again ❤
Decor, I like a clean, cozy, comfy home but I don’t care about keeping up with trends. I don’t care about flexing with a fancy car, jewelry, or showing off a brand. I’m also learning to be comfortable with things being good enough, hair style, makeup, nothing perfectly done, but good enough. I do care about healthy clean food, taking care of my body, saving for my future, exercise and spending quality time with my family and friends.
I don't watch the news anymore and I found out I'm not missing anything. My life is more relaxed and stress free. I used to watch the news in the morning while getting ready to go to work and it just filled me with negative feelings and thoughts cause almost all news is about accidents and murders, natural disasters, war zones, prices going up etc. I don't need all that drama in my life.
Speaking up for myself is definitely the hardest one for me because I hate being a problem and don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable but I am improving with this also, people’s expectations also annoy me because I feel the people who are constantly pushing for me to do more or try new things when I don’t want to, for instance I have a terrible fear of heights and I was constantly pushed to ride a roller coaster or “ yes, you can drive over that bridge”, it seems so bullish & selfish on their part so I have learned to not care about that anymore, I just say “no, I don’t want to” and I feel so good about that! 👌great points Vera! ☺️
I also have a difficult time standing up for myself and usually laugh it off in order avoid tension. In fact, I did this yesterday at work. Thank you for talking about this! I am working on it ❤
Yes, number 4! As a middle aged woman I could spend all my time on vacation wishing I looked better in the photos, or I could be grateful I now have the time off from work to do these things. And a carry-on bag only. 😆
You are definitely not alone in people pleasing. That is one of the hardest things for me to stop doing. I’m also a work in progress with standing up for myself. I find it easier the older I get, but I want the day to come when I have less guilt when I do stand up for myself!
Dear Vera, you were very open about what you used to do and what is embarrassing for you now. This video hit me so much since I could confirm every single point speaking from my experience, like you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, that I don't feel sooo guilty about my past.
I'm glad the video resonated with you, and definitely, there's no need for feeling guilt about how we used to be, we all have our own lessons to learn and you can instead be proud of your progress :)
This is the best video you’ve made in a long time, for my life right now. I identified with so many of these points and I love hearing others share them. I don’t feel so alone or weird… I’m just an HSP ❤thank you Vera 😊
I found your channel by chance and it’s a great gift for me. I feel great to know that HSP is not something I need to get rid of / modify. Thank goodness! Happy realization moment that I can be as I am. Thanks again for the good tips. - KylieA
Appreciated #5. Felt that way for years and if I needed to speak honestly to someone always felt my face turn red and felt soooo awkward and confrontational. But now that I'm much older I have learned to just be straightforward (but kind) and clear if it's necessary to express my feelings. If the other person reacts negatively, then I understand that they have a problem of some kind, so I don't react to it and make it my problem. It's a matter of maturity to realize that your opinion is just as valid as anyone else's and that it's okay to express it if there's a need to speak up. It helps to just look straight at them and take command of the conversation at that point to say what you need to say. Always with kindness to you and to them.
I so struggle with standing up for myself. I am slowly getting better at it but I still am very awkward at it. I don’t enjoy drama or gossip either. I love your videos I so relate to them. Thank you❤
I’m agree with you. After watching your video, it helps me a lot to stop over thinking, because I always care about how others regard me that was quite annoying stop me to focus on what I actually want
Making things awkward: I struggle with this too! I consider myself a bold and blunt person, but when it comes to the point, I usually fail to stand up for myself. One awful example of this recently was when I got a tattoo. The artist drew out the tattoo on my back and showed it to me in the mirror. I couldn't see it too well, but it did seem a bit off to me. But I told myself to trust the artist, who is the expert, and just overall felt too awkward to question it or ask him to re-draw it. Now I'm stuck with a tattoo that I hate, and I can't do anything about it. Talk bout learning something the hard way 😭
Oh, that's so hard. Wishing for you that the perfect solution arises to make it just what you want -- whether that's through a change of the ink or of your perspective. Sending "love-my-tattoo" vibes.
I’m trying to stop “going along to get along” and instead voicing my thoughts to people. Like when a guy came up behind me in a meeting and massaged my left shoulder, I calmly but firmly said, “Don’t ever do that to me again.” I wonder if standing up for myself relates to my recent major home decluttering. I keep telling myself that my house is not a storage facility, and maybe my brain is now catching up, telling me I’m not a repository of unspoken objections?
I’m exactly the same about waking up early, working out, and then having a smoothie! I actually do wake up at 5am because of anxious pets and a daughter who wakes early, but it is just not the way I work at all to go exercise first thing and really do anything without eating breakfast first!
Thanks for the link…I signed up for the trial. So,etching that I stopped caring about is buying new clothes. I send my underused clothes to an online thrift shop and use the credit to buy other preloved clothes. I get so many complements and I have a varied wardrobe that makes me happy without spending a lot.
I think standing up for myself has gotten easier over time. I remember telling myself years ago that if I didn't stand up for myself, nothing was going to change. It's still uncomfortable sometimes, and I don't always use a direct approach, but life is a process. It helps when you get enough experiences behind you that you think, wow, that worked out really well.
I'm practising at standing up for myself too, every time I do I feel more empowered, it's difficult at times as reactions from others differ but mostly it's going great. Cheering everyone on who is doing the same!
I loved the spotlight effect comment you made. It's so true how people make comments to you and simply think nothing of it and go on with their lives, I have to learn to file it under "the nice to know" category....thank you!
Vera for me number 5. I used to not stand up for myself. But now I do. It is such a wonderful feeling to be able to be myself. Thank you for sharing. Hugs ❤
Fantastic video. I used to care so much what people think and make sure I had everyone’s approval ( which is impossible). No wonder I used to suffer from great anxiety, panic, indecision and stress. I now realise, as you said that people don’t think as much about you as you think they do. I like that ‘nice to know but I’m not going to do anything with that’ folder! I’m also child free, I fail miserably to stand up for myself and hate drama. Can TOTALLY relate. I think I really have some growth opportunities thanks to this video. Yep- it’s also ok to change your mind! 😊
Thank you for this lovely list. I am someone who has always valued somebody else's "being okay" over me being okay. I'd agree to do things I didn't want to do, talk blithely about topics I didn't care about, tell people thanks for their input when I disagreed completely with their advice and fill awkward silences with chit chatty topics that meant nothing to anybody. I'm working hard on changing that and still find it very challenging to speak my mind clearly when I truly need to. I thought it was "compassionate" to care about others more than I cared about myself. I'm realizing slowly that when I'm kind to myself, and live authentically, speaking my truth as necessary that my happiness becomes my best way of making a difference in my world. Joy is the difference maker, not altruism for its own sake. Thank you for your honesty in stating things you used to care about. I'm still working on a lot of them too. xo karen
I always go for fridge magnets when I go somewhere. My place is too cluttered already (working on that...) but magnets don't take up much space (and they're not on the floor or a shelf). I have several from different museum exhibits or places I've visited, and my parents get me one when they go somewhere, too. I saw once on a home decorating show someone with a big magnet collection (and not enough room on the fridge for them) where they used cookie sheets hung on the wall to display them. (I've also seen them used with magnetic letters for little kids to play with so they're not in the way in the kitchen.)
I’m one if your ‘older’ fans here! So I can recognize many of your issues and worries as things I experienced many years ago. So under your ‘making things awkward’ section, I have so many things I want to say to you! But there’s not enough time in the day. I was just like you….. and now I’m quite the opposite! I wouldn’t ever be rude, but I sure speak up now! I can’t believe I’m the same person. I often think to myself… “where were you when I needed you 50 years ago, or even 30 years ago!!!? So don’t wait for ‘confidence to speak up’ to happen naturally, like I did! Grab it by the horns and be that person now!
Hey Vera!! Great video. I have to say that standing up for myself has been a real challenge of late, especially when trying to set boundaries around family members. I find it hard when trying to say no to certain things and demands plus expectations from others about my life choices. Send out a prayer for me in this area and I will also pray for you too 😇😁Have a great blessed weekend and week ahead!
I also struggle with speaking up for myself. I've been learning from my partner a lot lately. The last example of this was buying an umbrella. I didn't want to say it was too expensive until he told me "if you think it's too expensive, just say so and don't buy it". I did it and felt good 😅
I don’t care about being an introvert anymore. I used to force myself to spend time with friends/people because I felt like I should even though I would have rather be by myself. I also don’t care that people think it’s weird that I don’t have a tv 😅 I grew up in a house where every single room except the bathroom had a tv and as a HSP I find not having one much preferable for me ❤
I totally identify with most of the things you mentioned, especially speaking up my needs, as I'm usually too shy even when it affects me. And I also wanted to say you're not silly; you're human, and I'm glad you're not caring about these things anymore. 😅
I really relate to some of these struggles, just like you mentioned, i'd usually suffer in silence to don't bother anyone, but my family and friends would say that it's ok to talk. The "how many friends I have" always used to bother me too and i'm quite surprised to discover I wasn't the only one struggling with it? My small contact list always bothered me ;_; which is ironic because althought my friend number may be small, some of them i've known for more than 8-10 years, i guess that's what they meant when they said "quality over quantity"
Vera! Although I am much older than you, I enjoy listening to you. You are honest and wise. I am similar in personality. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. God bless you.
Thank you for talking about this. Can't naturally wake up early or afford to buy things I like. It makes an impossible standard of society. Don't want a large space, just my own space.
Family these days is a more of a feeling to me than anything else. Certainly not a defined number or composition of persons. Also: I love that you share also the things you are working on at the moment, that still feel like you are not completely there yet. ❤ So human, so normal, so brave also.
The world and society programs us from birth to care about a lot of things not worth caring about. Thank God for the awareness to be able to “de-program” and step out of The Matrix and feel somewhat free.
I am that person that goes along with what others want because it’s easier than rocking the boat so to speak. My wife hates that I do this but I am getting better at it through therapy and getting older. I know it started as a child where I was a follower and not leader, or a sidekick of someone’s. I also wake up at 5 am or earlier every day. I have worked jobs most of my life that started at 6 am so now it’s a habit, plus that is when it is most quiet in our hoose😅
Thank you for your honesty Vera. You hit so many good points. Most of them hit a cord with me. For me, change came with age…..beginning probably in my mid to late 30’s. I’m an elderly 66 yrs old now. 😊 I’ve now spent almost has many years looking for approval, as I have experienced the freedom of not. I’m living an authentic life, avoiding the need to be someone other that myself. I think we learn that with age. Insecurities and self-doubt are replaced by wisdom and wrinkles. Lol. Congratulations on discovering this at a young age. Life is fragile, short and fleeting. Thank you for your perspective. I’m certain you touched so many people’s lives with this topic.
I am very much also a work in progress when it comes to standing up for myself, I am like a little 🐭 your videos inspire me so much, you are my fave person on RU-vid. xxx💕
