audio is probably very low because i forgot to fix that.
sharing because when this is all through i want to remember even if it's hard now. because no matter how it seems you will ALWAYS come out on the other side. that's just the way of things. also because if i found something like this now as i'm going through it it would feel a big relief to see someone like myself.
obviously a lot on my mind. i've been running in circles for more than 48 hours at this point and only started to get anywhere when i sat down and started talking. weird how that's working. i can't talk about this to people in real life very effectively for some reason so this is the only way anyone's going to be able to see what's in my head at the moment.
i change my mind every 2 seconds. i feel like there's no way i can make a choice and just be happy with it. there's a lot wrong with me hah. guess i gotta just try to enjoy where i'm at even though where i'm at doesn't feel very good. i always think about gratitude and how when you feel bad or something's tough gratitude is the best thing for you. really in all situations, gratitude will help. but, even that's feeling really difficult for me right now. i've been fighting this part of me that doesn't want to change and doesn't want me to be okay. it feels really weird to be sharing this all. i find myself thinking all the things i think other people might think and justifying myself but i don't think there's any need for me to do that. i'm doing what i'm doing because i'm doing it and it's helping me and i hope it could help someone else. seems good enough for me.
i really hope no one is reading and watching this just to judge me, but if that's really what you want to do then go for it. we all have our ways of existing in the world.
okay that's all for now i suppose.
18 сен 2024
