Guy comes home to his wife with a sheep under his arm and says “This is the pig I was f#*king when you weren’t around”. His wife says, “That’s not a pig, that’s a sheep.” He says, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
Was not missed by all. Only the weak and feeble minded. One can't help but wonder how long it will take before we see nessy doing the arrmys in your sleeveees gag. Keep up the smashing work chaps. Jolly good show if I may say so
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog cleaning himself. One guy says, "Man! I wish I could do that!" The other guy replies, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"
Can you give a shout-out to my son Veni he’s in hospital with heart problems and we used to watch your minecraft videos all the time especially the old ones. He’s 15 months and might not make it. I know it’s a long shot but thanks if you do
@@lamaduckie932 well if he makes it through we can watch it together as we always watch their minecraft videos together. He can talk a little and was very advanced before he started having his problems
Cleanest dirty joke you'll ever hear. Guy comes home from work and says "Honey I'm Home. Suddenly he sees his wife sliding down the banister. She gets to the bottom, jumps off, gives him a kiss, and says "Hi honey." and runs back up stairs. He thinks to himself, a little weird but whatever. He starts to hang up his coat when he sees his wife sliding down the banister again. She jumps off, gives him another big kiss, and runs back upstairs. He gets his coat hung up and here she comes, sliding down the banister again. She jumps off, kisses him again and runs back upstairs. He is perplexed and asks, "Honey, what are you doing?" as she is throwing her leg over the banister AGAIN. She slides down to the bottom, jumps off, gives him another big kiss, and says. "I'm heating up dinner!"
Little Red Riding Hood was coming to her Grandma's house when she heard moaning and screaming coming from within. Fearing the worst, she burst into the room to see the Big Bad wolf crouched before her. "Grandma!" she cries out in despair as her Grandmother pops her head up to look at her. "What is it, child?!" she asks peevishly "I... I thought the Big Bad wolf was eating you!" Red cries out. "Well he was... until you barged in here!"
Family member told me this but with black people, but I’m gonna go with BLM since it matchs them what they where tied to. What does BLM and Batman have in common? They can’t go without robin.
I got a joke for you... A Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem." His teacher tells him "You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Old man lying on his death bed, when all of a sudden the grim reaper bursts in through the door. Shocked, the old man starts bargaining for his life. What about a game of chess for my life? No! Snarled death How about a drinking contest then? No! Snarled death again. Fine, what about a pillow fight? Death ponders this for a second, "alright, as long as your ready for the reaper cushions.
A guy has bad back pain and goes to the doctor. The doctor says “your testiclules are causing your back pain and the only thing we can do is remove them!” Guy goes home to his wife and explained everything. They talk about it for awhile and his wife says “I just want you to be happy and pain free!” So he goes through with the surgery and after he recovered his wife said “ hey, I want to get you a new wardrobe! You’re a new man and I want you to feel good!” So they go to an old tailor and he takes one look at the guy and says “ your a 34 shirt 36 waist and 32 length “ the guy says “ damn you’re good but you got my waist wrong I’m a 32.” The tailor says no you’re a 36. If you wear a 32 in will bunch your nuts up and make your back hurt!
Bit of a longer one. There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow. The would turn the milk to cheese and sell at the market to buy food. Well, one morning, the father wakes up and sees the milk cow dead. So he hangs himself in the tree. The mother wakes up, sees the milk cow dead and her husband hanging from the tree and throws herself into the river and she washes up on the shore. The oldest son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, his father hanged and, by his mother who has washed up on the shore, a leprechaun - a female leprechaun. She says " Looks like you're having a bad day". he say "I should say so." She says "I'll make you a deal, if you make love to me 10 times in a row, I'll bring your mom and dad back, and even the milk cow". He says "why not?". He almost makes it but fails, so she kills him. The next son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, his father hanging and his mother and brother dead by the shore near the leprechaun. She tells him "if you make love to me 10 times in a row, I'll bring you father, mother and brother back, and also the milk cow". He agrees. He doesn't make it either, so the leprechaun kills him. The youngest son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, the father hanging from the tree, and his mother and two brothers dead by the shore, and the female leprechaun. She tells him "if you make love to me 10 times in a row, without stopping, I'll bring your father, mother and two brothers back, and even the milk cow". He says "Well, look at you and look at me, I'm young and virile, let's try it. BUT, what if I make love to you 15 times in a row?" She says, "In that case, I'll bring your father, mother and brothers back, even the milk cow and give you nice mansion where your hovel is". He says "That's fine and all, but what if I make love to you 20 times in a row?" She says "If you make love to me 20 times in a row, I'll bring your entire family back, even the milk cow, give you mansion where your hovel is and give you a big pot of gold that will last you your entire life". He says "alright let's get started in a minute, but first, if I make love to you 20 times in a row, what's to stop YOU from dying? The milk cow did."
Wife went into labor, there was no time for an Ambulance so they jumped in the car and raced to the hospital. Half way there she yelled "There's no time, the baby is coming now" So the father pulled over & had to delivery the baby on the back seat, on the side of the road. It went so well the mother let the father name their baby boy. He named him Carson.
A cowboy is riding through a strange town and sees a saloon. Having been riding through the midday sun, decides to stop for a drink. He hitches up his horse and as he walks in he gets an uncomfortable look from the locals, they don't take kindly to strangers. He moseys on up to the bar and orders two fingers of sippin' whiskey, bartender slams it down and turns his back. The stranger, seeing he's not wanted, downs his drink and walks out. He gets outside and realises his horse is missing. Not the kind of guy to be messed with, he turns around, heads back in and fires a shot from his trusty six shooter into the air, room goes quiet. "Right, I'm gonna drink my whiskey, when I do my horse better be back or I will do what I did in texas". The locals continue to drink and play cards, not taking the stranger seriously. The cowboy shrugs, drinks his whiskey, heads outside and still no horse. A grimace takes over the strangers face. Turns around, head in and takes three whiskey bottle tops off in 3 shots, the room goes deadly quiet, "right, last chance now mother fuckers, I better get my horse back after my whiskey or I swear to god I will do what I did in texas". They know this guy means business. Drinks his drink, heads outside, whatta ya know, there's his horse. Unhitches his horse and mounts up. Before he could ride off into the sunset the bartender comes running out yelling," stranger, stranger, I just have to know, what happened in texas??" "Had to walk home"
Guy goes to the market and there's a store selling frogs. "What's so special about these frogs?" He asks noticing the high price. "They're trained to give blowjobs". So he buys one and takes it home. Later that night his wife is woken up by the noise of glass breaking, pots clanging and crockery getting smashed. After seeing her husband was gone she sneaks down stairs only to find him in the kitchen talking to the frog he bought earlier. "What the hell is going on in here?" She asks seeing the mess. He snaps back: "If I can teach this frog to cook you're out of here".
This video made my day but I must leave some of my favorite jokes for y'all How does Moses make his tea Hebrews it What do women and Kfc have in common Once you get pass the tinder breasts and juicy thigh's all that's left is a greasy box to put your bone in (Don't hate me ) 😂
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm One windmill ask the other, "whats your favorite type of music?" The other fan answers, "I'm a huge metal fan!"
A rabbit and a bear are taking a crap in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you ever get shit stuck to your fur?". The rabbit says "No". So, the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit
long format for you: One morning the sun is rising on a beautiful forest in the mountains. It's springtime and the birds are chirping and the trees are stretching their limbs to the sky. A birch tree awakes and yawns and looks around him. On the ground he notices this cute little sapling. He smacks awake his neighbor, a beech tree, and says, "My, oh my, look at that mighty fine son of a birch!" The beech responds, "No, that is a mighty fine son of a beech." Soon, the two trees begin to argue. "Son of a birch!" yells to birch tree. "Son of a beech!" hollers the beech tree. "Son of a birch!" "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!" "Son of a beech!" And so the trees are arguing day and night for quite some time. The whole forest is real pissed off at these trees as the noise of the argument is causing such a ruckus. Then one fair morning, a woodpecker flies through the forest and is flying by these two trees when the birch tree calls out and says, "Hello there! Can you settle a debate for us? Is this sapling a son of a birch or a son of a beech?" The woodpecker responds, "I sure can!" So he flies down there and goes "peck, peck, peck. peck, peck, peck." He nibbles for a second and thinks. Then he flies back up to the two trees and states, "Well fellas, I hate to disappoint, that is neither a son of a birch or a son of a beech. However, that is the nicest piece of ash I have ever stuck my pecker into."
Camera facing their backs, bonfire creating the silhouettes, like "Mystery Science Theater 3000". Maybe have the gameplay superimposed on the evening sky.
But one thing you have to tell us the views who the hell is ada only time I've seen her is in raft so get her to be in one of your proper videos maybe 7 days to die.
And one more thing what happened to vertigo in your channel because I warch and now he is not in any of your 7 days to die videos I say this because I am I big fan of him.
This one actually won me tickets over the radio to a comedy fest. A guy walks into a bar and to his surprise, he hears the most beautiful music he's ever heard. He looks to the corner of the bar and sees a piano. Upon closer inspection, the person playing is man that is only about a foot tall. So the patron goes to the bartender and asks, "Where'd you find a guy so small that can play the piano so well?" And the bar tender says, "you're never gonna believe me" and he pulls out a lamp. "Rub this lamp three times and your wish will come true". So the patron thinking that he's bullshitting him, takes the lamp and rubs it three times. Then the bar all of a sudden fills up with a million ducks. "What the hell, I wished for a million bucks!" And the bartender says, "Do you really think I'd wish for a 12 inch pianist?"
This works much better spoken than it does written. If Mississippi (Mrs Sippi) lost her New Jersey, what would Delaware (Della wear)? Idaho Alaska (I don’t know, I’ll ask her).
2 guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks. Daddy tomato, Mama tomato, and Baby tomato were taking a walk. The Baby Tomato kept lagging behind. Finally, the Daddy tomato walks back to the Baby Tomato, steps on him and yells, “catch-up!”
My friends father was a chopper mechanic in Vietnam during the war. Whenever an engine would need repair, they used to just write 070 the code for broken. This of course wasn't exactly what they were supposed to be doing but they said what are they going to do? Send us to Vietnam??
I have a riddle for u neebs Ready I live above a star that do not turn, I have 11 friends that do not burn, My initials are P, Q and R and sometimes S, What am I Good luck neebs
Dyslexia is a thing. Riddle should read the following: I live above a star, but I do not burn. I have 11 friends, but they do not turn. I am visited in sequence: never, once, or repeatedly. My initials are PQRS. (Makes more sense now 😖)
Father and son sharks come across 2 people swimming in the ocean. The son shark says "lets go eat em" the father says "Wait, First go bump into one." OK can we eat em now. "No now swim a circle around and let your fin come out of the water." Father says "Ok now you can eat em". The son says" those were great why did we do all that stuff ?" Humans always taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..." I heard this one years ago, but couldn't remember it well enough to do it justice. I found it here... www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/dirtyfairytalesjokes.html
2 guys are out hunting. one had a heart attack and keels over. The other guy calls 911 and says "we need help! My buddy just had a heart attack. I think he might be dead!" Operator says, "Stay calm sir. First I need you to check to if he's dead" !!!BLAM!!! Guy says "ok, now what?"
Love the dad jokes lol I got 2 more for y'all. 1 .Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up. 2.What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing!" Keep up the great job guys love all the videos and dad jokes 🍻👍
I loved this video. I haven't been watching recent videos bc I'm tired of the same ark and 7days video (if it was more then u guys playing the game id prolly come back i.e. witting a story or something example: subnatica or outer wilds). I really am happy to see new stuff like this or among us. please keep this creative streak going. I desperately want to be a fan again.
A blind guy goes to Texas. While he's there he takes a ride in a limousine and he says to the driver "I've never sat in a seat this big." The driver says "everything's bigger in Texas." He goes to a restaurant and eats a steak and says "I've never eaten a steak this big." The waiter says "everything's bigger in Texas." He goes back to his hotel and says to the clerk "I'm blind but I can find my way okay, can you tell me where the bathroom is?" Clerk says, "take a left from the desk and then another left. The bathroom will be the second door on your right." The blind guy walks away and follows his hands but he misses the second door. He walks through the third door and falls into the pool. When he gets his head above water he shouts, "DON'T FLUSH! DON'T FLUSH!!!"
I'm from Central PA. I've done stand up a few times at a comedy club in Harrisburg. It's a lot of fun. Dad jokes usually don't work to well, unless you have the personality for it I guess. Bit I'm such a huge fan of them. I think they're fuckin hysterical. Amy chance I get to learn some new ones, I take. 😅😅 Thanks for the vid!
You know how else people can change the sex of their kids before they are born? Radiation! It kills the Y chromosome. All my Navy buddies had girls from 2003 to 2007. As soon as they left the Navy, all boys 😄.
A black guy, a puertorican guy and a klansman are all arrested, tried and sentenced to death by electric chair. The country has a law that if you're strapped in the chair and they pull the switch and you survive, regardless of circumstance, you're sentence is commuted to life. They strap in the black guy and ask, "Any last words?" He replies, "No." They pull the switch, nothing happens, they send him to a new prison. They strap in the puertorican guy and ask, "Any last words?" He replies, "No." They pull the switch, nothing happens, they send him to a new prison. They strap in the klansman and ask, "Any last words?" He replies, "Yeah, you forgot to plug in the chair."
Paused the video after the Yoda HDMI joke so I could text it to my son who works in IT. His response ... Fail. HDMI is a cable that deals with resolution. Not an extra dimension. It should be what did Yoda say when he saw himself in 1080p. ... Yeah. He's a ruiner. He's 26. Too late to return him to the hospital?
NSFW 3 guys were on an expedition into the heart of a deep forest when they were captured by locals. The trio was brought before the leader and was informed that they were guilty of trespassing and had to submit to the punishment or be executed. The first was approached and he was given his choice... Death... or Bunga Not wanting to die, he asked what Bunga was but was met with the same question... so he chose Bunga. The locals brought him into the middle of their camp, stripped him naked, and then took turns screwing him in the ass, before returning his clothes and letting him go. The second was approached and offered the same choice. Being a little excited by the idea, he eagerly said yes and was brought to the middle of the camp and given the same treatment. When it finally came time for the third and final trespasser, he couldn't bring himself to accept Bunga. "Sorry, nope... I can't nope nope nope nope nope... I choose Death!" This had never happened before, so the Locals all went away to discuss this... " no one has ever chosen death!" Finally, one of them had and Idea! "DEATH BY BUNGA!!!!!"
A blind man gets off his plane in Texas, and there is a delay, so they comp him a few drinks, offer him a room, and tell him to ask for any help he needs while he is staying with them. He first asks if he can go to the bar, and they help him to a seat. He asks for a mug of beer, and when he receives it, "Oh wow! This mug is so big!" Bartender says "Of course, sir, everything is big in Texas." The man drinks his 2 free mugs, and asks for help to his room. As he flops into his bed, he spreads out, realizing "Ooh! This bed is so huge!" The bellhop replies "Of course, sir, everything is big in Texas." As the hours pass, the man's beer makes it's way through him. He needs to use the bathroom, but there doesn't seem to be one in the room, so he pokes his head out and calls for directions, "it can't wait!" Someone down the hall calls back, "Two doors down and on your left!" "Thank you!" says the blind man as he steps out, with his left hand on the wall. He's a bit stumbly, though, and misses a door before he gets back to the wall. He walks into the third door, takes a few steps forward, and falls right into the pool. As he comes up, he's screaming "DON'T FLUSH, DON'T FLUSH!"
Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. Bartender says "hey, can't bring monkies in here man!". Guy says "nah he's cool, he's well trained, he'll behave I promise." Bartender agrees to let them stay. Shortly after, the monkey grabs a pickled egg from the jar on the counter. Bartender demands they leave, buy the guy convinces him he'll be better. After awhile the monkey jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball. Bartender immediately throws them out. Three months later, they return, the bartender says "Absolutely not, leave!" Guy says "He learned his lesson, I promise he'll behave." Reluctantly the bartender let's them stay. Shortly after the monkey grabs an egg from the jar, sticks it up his ass, then eats it. Bartender says "What the hell was that!?" Guy says "After the cue ball, he checks everything for size!!"
