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I am a 58 year old developer that started the first coding in 1982. The hardest part in programming is when other developers/managers do not understand what you are doing and will resits/fight you because you are doing it all wrong to a point where they completely destroy the product. One such example, there is a button on a form and if you click on it a second time the software crashes because the first click was a lengthy process and did not return yet. It be resolved extremely simple but I am not allowed to touch it because it is not in a sprint planning. Solution? Change to wait-cursor so the user knows that something is happening and will not click it a second time. Disable the button for the duration of the first click in case the user has ADHD and will click it 100 times in a row.
Depends on your user-base. For web, disabling buttons or relying purely on visual ques like a cursor change is typically an accessibility/a11y anti-pattern.
@@Dom-pu5hj The word "anti-pattern" is used to shame people to think differently. The word "anti-pattern" is used to create buggy code and shame on you that you question the pattern. The word "anti-pattern" is also used for we don't care about users who get confused and wonders if they clicked on that button they paid once or twice? We only care about design dogma. And that is why we can't have nice things anymore.
@@Dom-pu5hj disabled attribute is recognized by every modern screen reader - it is THE BEST way to tell a user the button is not clickable at the moment with a11y in mind + a visual cue for users who do not rely on screen readers. what are you even talking about???
1) if you work really hard you'll get extra work 2) always be willing to take some level of risk Further detail : there's almost always a balance of pros and cons
Those are great pieces of advice! It sounds like they come from experience, which is always valuable in the workplace. I'm sure that you've learned over time what works well for you and your team when it comes to taking on new projects or tasks, as well as how to navigate through challenges that arise along the way.
There is no career driver like when you have a pair of eyes looking up at you saying "I'm hungry dad." This was the inflection point when I started taking life seriously. Thank you for including kids in this discussion. Huge.
Does it help to take right decisions though? I can easily imagine that being a pressure for early reward activities and jobs, that is not necessarily best strategy for long term gains
Real talk, awesome!... I started programming a year ago, I'm 35 years old and I watch your videos and you really inspire me because you can see that you do it because you love it and not for empty reasons, more or less the same thing happened to me when I made the decision to enter this world of programming with my pregnant wife and in another country alone, but I don't regret it, keep up the good work and being genuine, I hope one day I can understand code and programming like you do, blessings!
I work in manufacturing, and Im studying programming as a hobby. I think what most people mean when they talk a bout a "Toxic" work environment hinges on two things: Management manipulating their subordinates as opposed to clearly communicating expectations and reaching mutually acceptable work parameters. And 2: Any form of dishonesty in regards to the work whatsoever. And that includes dishonesty by omission, failing to deliver promises, and of course, failing to meet contractual or non-contractual obligations.
@@Zeedox indeed. But I think there is a distinction between a "Toxic" and an "Abusive" work environment. In an Abusive environment, there is blatant mistreatment that is relatively plain to be seen. In a Toxic environment on the other hand, the perpetrators tow the line and maintain a facade of professionalism, which makes it harder to prove the workplace is fucked, especially to outsiders.
@@DerrangedGadgeteer, in either toxic and abusive environments there are social idiots present and active, contributing to lower business success or even destruction of the business.
Toxic is also back-talking staff who have left, and existing staff. Worked in a place where they constantly talked negatively about the last 4 front-end devs from previous 3 years. Wonder why no-one stayed for more than a few months. How did I find out they were sh*t-talking me? One idiot replied in the wrong slack chat, sent to me instead of whoever he was moaning to. Luckily I wasn't there for long either.
Prime, the fact that you found these two ppl that you hurt speaks huge volumes to your character. I was horribly bullied in school. So thank you for finding them and rectifying that.
Bro, I just wanted to watch another of your videos and learn some stuff and now you're talking about saying sorry and forgiving people like you're my therapist. You definitely hit something in me. Thanks, I'm glad you made me reconsider some of my decisions.
My advice, want to get rich as a bad developer? Go to a startup so the first year the managers will not ask how far the progress is, the second year the managers will start to become nervous because there are some delays but still you are regarded as a top developer. Now jump ship at the second year because your reputation as developer is the highest and no cracks in the software are visible yet. The third year all hell breaks lose when money runs out and all developers that stayed get the mess the developer that jumped ship created and therefore get a bad reputation. Every jump you get a better reputation and a higher wage. You leave broken projects in your wake but you can blame it on the bad developers that stayed behind because they did not understand your genius duct taped code. I have seen this happen several times. I am of course stupid for not jumping ship but I love programming and projects that succeed.
As someone who took a job with Amazon in 2021 a month before my wife had our second kid, it really is underappreciated how hard it is to change jobs. I am currently working on leaving Amazon due to them trying to move my whole family to Seattle, and we really like where we live in Montana. It really was awful that they went back on the fully remote offer. Just because it is a big name job with a hefty salary does not mean it is not a risk taking it.
No large company on the SP500 is going to allow fully remote full big city salary anymore. When you have enough money like big tech managers do, they go after status, admiration, power... none of which they get when you're on your at home hiding behind your laptop screen. They will never relinquish the power they get from their employees back to the employees, it blows my mind the copium people are on to think remote was ever going to be permanent. Also if they wanted remote workers so badly they'd hire an a dev agency for 10% of your salary.
If you can get a job at Amazon you can easily get another job elsewhere, right? At the same salary level? Probably not. But that bitter pill is more palatable when you are in a LCOL
Really like you content...thanks for it. most of the people in tech space of youtube are mostly teaching something maybe course or some framework. your content is more like general stuff about being a tech guy and kind of shows what it means to be a programmer everyday. Thanks for your content
Prime, I love when you talk about your marriage. There is not enough content promoting healthy families and healthy relationships on the Internet. Keep it up.
@@axjkhl7699 that's what they want you to think. There is a bunch of healthy families out there. I'm married since 2002, we have 3 kids and we never been so happy as we are right now. It's more than 20 years together, I spent more time with my wife than with my parents at this point and I have zero regrets. Hope one day you can meet someone good to show you how wonderful life can be.
@@salvatoreshiggerino6810 the positives sound great on paper but there's a lot of negatives. in my experience, the positives only outweigh the negatives when you are dependent on other people for either emotional or financial support. a lot of people need other people. if you don't operate in that way it's just a burden.
There was a high-level administrator where I work who quoted an article from a magazine meant for human-resources people. The article noted that most companies can not afford to hire enough people such that they *ALWAYS* have plenty of staff to handle *EVERY* situation that will come up over a period of many years. Thus there are bound to be some crunch periods where staff will have to work extra hard and extra hours to deal with a bad situation which comes up. That article used an analogy of a job being like canoeing down a river. Those crunch periods are like sections of the river which have rapids. Everyone [in the company] as to scramble to survive the rapids, but then the rapids end and staff can go back to normal work loads. I read the full article, and it was clearly meant a warning to administrators that the periods of "rapids" *have to be for short periods.* The company cannot get away with constantly asking extra from staff for long periods of time, because just like rapids on a real stream most people (staff) won't survive if the rapids go on forever. That was the point of the article. The administrator _(who I did not work for, luckily)_ quoted the article, said that he loved canoeing through rapids in real life, and that we should all enjoy the rapids! And he quotes this article during a period where the company had been going through layoffs and several *years* of hiring freezes. The article was meant as a warning to employers, but it was clear that he thought it was an example of how exhilarating it can be to be constantly overworked.
I would argue that there are ways to navigate uncertainty and transition in a healthy and reasonable way without forcing people into *much* overtime. If you’re switching technology or switching to a different business area or whatnot, then you can organize a learning path for people and budget time for getting up to speed. Of course, most companies just figure “let’s keep doling out work like we always do and let the peasants work it out amongst themselves”.
If you always go for the pressure you end up with burnout. And then after months of recovery the you cannot work as hard because you will burn out faster. So never choose pressure every single time.
@ThePrimeTime I mean, some pressure sometimes is alright, like you said. Keyword being "always", sometimes people find it hard to say no because we want to do our superiors or colleagues a solid. And in a toxic environment, you might soon find yourself being trampled over and emotionally manipulated to keep doing that 80 hours work week every week. The advice to not always take pressure is for people like who I was, who couldn't help themselves to say no
@@ThePrimeTimeagen The key trigger to burn out is when hard work doesn't result in anything. But if you are always working overtime there has to be technical debt. And that means hard work with little to show for it.
If you have leverage against your employers, strategically miss deadlines to shift expectations of work in your favor. If everyone works hard that will increase the expectations of work. Companies are obligated to maximize profit. Managers create fake deadlines and goals to pressure people into working overtime. Netflix is a streaming service why would they have hard deadlines? I have literally sat on blocking security vulnerabilities and only raised the issue right before the release 'deadline' then of course they block the release and fix something i knew about within one week then look like a hero lol. So you delay the project and get rewarded. 99% of deadlines are fake and you need to test them in order to realize when they are lying. My point is you shouldn't glorify working overtime and crunch time. It's this kind of culture that incentivizes subversive actions like what i do. People should work sustainably and also have spare time for career development. Admittedly when i was young i did work overtime and realized later it was dumb when i grew more confident in my skills
It’s all about perspective and the specific situation. I turned down a job at twitter in 2009. It was a similar life situation: moving across the country, my daughter wasn’t even 2 yet, also had 2 dogs, etc. However, unlike the person in the article, I don’t regret my choice one iota. I never have - even when twitter was flying high. I was lucky at that time because the same day I got the offer from twitter, I also got an offer from Etsy, for the exact same amount of salary, that required a train commute instead of moving 3,000 miles. Working there was incredible, gave me life long friends, enabled me to build some of the best stuff I ever have, and taught me an unbelievable amount.
Im 20 and just starting as a front-end developer (may consider myself junior - pre-middle, pretty independent) and this was great to hear because I scarcely can say no to people who ask me (Robert Martin's book helped a lot with that), and though I like risks, its hard to take them because the world may crush you and all that you've accumulated may be gone in an instant. But what inspires me is the stories of people like Mike who share their wisdom which they've gone through themselves
Some advice I would give after 20 years of doing programming jobs. - Play the office game, be positive, bring solutions, do what you are asked to do. - Don't get hung up on something, if it looks impossible, try it and explain why it failed. - Money talks, it should be your number one focus. If money comes in, job is good. - Find ways to be more productive than your colleague. Be smart and work harder.
As a software engineer (the is irrelevant at this moment) with a career starting in late 2000 with some sporadic intermissions until 2005 where it was full on until today, as I approach my 50s I can for sure tell you that there comes a point where you have to say "enough is enough". The value of time, your time, your time left on this earth is absolute and you should *never* forget this. I existed in toxic environments with lots of pressure due to bad management, attempt to cut costs and corners and in general a "eff this guy, he gets the work done" situation whilst simultaneously not letting you advance in technologies and topics you want to pursue - and let me tell you: being in a place where it's literally "dog eat dog", this will make you value your life that much more. tldr; when you start feeling the anxiety and pressure gnawing at you, do some self reflection. If you feel you deserve more - and at some point in your career you will get an understanding of what you deserve - which may not always be more money, mind you, then give your current work situation one more shot, and if they fail to deliver - and they almost always do, well, gtfo. Trust me, experienced engineers are always sought after.
On my last job before I became a freelancer we had a similar "pressure" situation. It was 15-ih minutes until I was done for the day. Started doing my regular, last, commit, filling in my hours into some task tracking software and started heading out. Then I saw a message on slack about a "critical" issue that had to be fixed right away. Checked out the ticket just to see what it is. It was created some time in March, assigned to my team in August, and now in September the issue became "critical". I simply replied "Everything not done on time is critical." and left the office. The next day I fixed the bug, everything got tested and deployed within a few hours and all was good. I spend a few more months at the company but was never again assigned a "critical" task by that client.
i will download this video and watch it whenever I feel down in life.. These are some of the most beautiful words that will always stick with my life and encourage me to be a better person in life..
I'm 39. Started working towards a computer information systems degree this year. Will have 3 language certificates (C++, Python, Java) as well as SQL developer when I graduate. It's good to see other people are starting/ did start late as well!
@@Peglegkickboxerstay at civil engineering man. Seriously you have gold and you want silver ??? Civil engineers job can never be replaced by AI or cheap engineers in India. If you switch to IT because you think you will have the luxury to work from home, then don't forget that your employer will have the luxury to replace you by cheap engineers based in Asia
I'm 46 and one of the last things you said really hit as something I wish I had learned earlier. "I don't try to make a mark. I do it out of curiosity" All in all a great video both for the article and your commentary.
I think the world benefits the most from people that have, in the right balance, both curiosity and a drive for impact. If you just try to leave a mark, the product of your work might end up shallow, derivative and uncompetitive. If you just focus on curiosity, you'll have just learned a ton and die with it without putting it to work or at least sharing what you've learned with the world. Many people should be more curious. Some should focus more on putting what they've already learned from their curiosity to work.
I am 51 and started professionally when I was 28 and I thought I was a late starter. The point about pressure. When you step up and bail your company out of a rough spot, that is definitely valued. But the fact that you are under pressure is a process smell indicating that the planning, refinement or scope is out of wack. If this smell isnt identified and worked on, then the pressure will just be a repeating nightmare that lands on the dev team's heads. Coincidentally, I have been with my wife the same amount of time. So on the marriage front, the biggest thing that a person needs in order to have a good marriage/relationship is humility. Without humility you wont actually hear your partner leading to resentment on their part and without humility you will not let go of things, leading to resentment on your part. Resentment is corrosive and will destroy any relationship given enough time.
I'm a software dev who started at 32. 5 years later I'm " senior " in a team and I have a coworker who leave the team because there is too much pressure. Honneslty, I never had any pressure as I don't accept pressure. I do my work, but not more. I will not put pressure on myself for others. If they want to go faster, hire more people. If they can't, then they should give the clients real deadline. If i get fired, I know I'll find another job in less than a month, so I don't care.
That's probably one of the wisest way of proceeding when working... I have the bad habit of doing things quickly, and I have been in jobs where I have become one of the most proficient/proactive devs there is. This has in fact played against me. The faster I did things, the faster they wanted me to do things. It just sounds plain stupid, but is the the reality. I ended up leaving the job after less than 8 months, as the situation was not sustainable. I should've applied a different strategy, but the quality of management led me to think that it wouldn't have mattered at the end of the day.
What you said about this "toxic" definition is super true. each one will face a different situation and that is they opinion. you can face a total different experience.
One good piece of advice about calling up people from your past to say sorry I got was: Do you want to apologize for you, or do you think your apology at this point will improve their life? If they have moved on and your apology now won't mean anything, it's likely not worth trying to pry that scab open for your own benefit.
Yep, my first job I was working 80+ hours a week sometimes, worst 7 years of my life. I found a new job and vowed to never let that happen to me again. Now 10 years at my second company, hardly work any overtime (50 hours max/week if I do), get paid well, top member of my team and never once worried about getting laid off. Interestingly enough, a guy I worked with at my first job I hated because he refused to work that massive OT when the rest of us were suffering. He is still there at that company today and seemed to have even gotten promoted a few times. Now I fully understand and respect him.
I definitely agree with the pressure take, I worked at a start up for around 1.5 years, came in only knowing how to create and style components and manipulate data inside of them in React, to being able to build a full Next app, from development to deployment. The code wasn't the best, the patterns were ass, but I could do something I would never have been able to do at a normal job. When I left there I 2.5x'ed my salary because I basically had intermediate knowledge.
"The more pressure you will take, the more you will get" is even preserved in my language as a proverbs and sayings - "use the whip on the horse that's already pulling" and so on.
I was 35 when I started my professional development career in '95. That was unusually old then but I'd had another (short) career before that. My most important lesson is similar to pressure, it is "don't work with a**holes". Find people you like, a company culture you like. What the product is doesn't matter, what the technologies used are doesn't matter. You get in with a good group of folk and everything falls into place. And when you find yourself not being curious to learn new things, it's time to leave. Maybe to a different company, maybe to a different career. My time in this career is short, I can tell I don't have the passion I used to. So that brings up one last bit of advice, invest for your future. Maybe you will want to retire early, maybe you need a nest egg while you're starting your new business. Don't waste all of that big fat developer paycheck on toys. ;)
I like Netflix's motto of working only with adults. Sometimes you have nice people who just don't know how to step up. Don't know that adults take ownership and responsibility even when it is not their fault, don't have the confidence to figure out things even if they don't know, and don't know how to show grace to people who they don't agree with or may not have their level of skills or capacity.
6:00 I think it really depends if the pressure is something you know will grow you. But always negotiate extra time if that happens. So like what I did previously was ok we will deliver the features for a full proper demo by this date, but we need additional time to do additional tests and refactoring before launch to pilot users.
I’m currently going back to school for data science (late start) but spent many years as a chef and the statement “Barry” made about pressure is so true! If it was a major event or someone had major issues I wouldn’t mind taking the extra workload but other than that nope. Our souls chef like to take advantage of more inexperienced chefs and would see them crumble and soon enough quit cooking all together.
Finding a place to live in SF is extremely hard and competitive. I had to write a craigslist scraper in python to automatically email myself and landlords whenever a new listing was published in order to get an in-law 600sq/ft retrofitted from a garage for 1600/mo.
6:15 I have this grievance as well, when I was growing up toxic meant something literally lethal, now it's if someone constantly uses an OP weapon in a game.
I have been an engineer for almost 13 years. I started as a computer forensic technician when I was 19. Then, in the last 5 years, I pivoted to being an SRE and eventually growing into leadership. As an SRE, I spend a lot of my time coaching business stakeholders and leadership on how to ask for what they want. I encourage engineers to not take on extra work, and I encourage leadership and business stakeholders to actually ask for things from high paid, highly performing engineers.
When I moved down to SF from Vancouver for my first software job, landed at the airport with no apartment lined up yet, ran around Berkeley looking for the cheapest single-room. It worked out, but was close. :)
I would say a "Toxic Working Environment" (probably apply to any social environment) is a place where there is no trust between individual. So if you don't trust your coworker to do "quality" work, if you don't trust your managers (not HR) to have the teams best interest in mind, etc. you are in a toxic environment. This is probably tied to company culture, does it promote trust (trust in the people with social events or trust in the organization with strong entreprise processes) or does it make trusting people impossible (like in highly political places where backstabbing for personal gain is the norm).
The problem isn't pressure as such. Developers who do what it takes to finish projects will win out in the long run. The trick is to not le yourself be exploited, and ensure that you share in the project rewards.
20 years ago starting at 35 would be normal as software as a profession was just getting mainstreamed and drew people in from different professions. I worked with an architect who switched from construction to software at the age of 30.
Software was also native application software engineering, instead of 'web dev'. I wish I could have worked in those days. : / Today I like working with the backend, because the first thing I ask about an application is, can I see the data/database and can I see the models/objects.
6:00 what you first said is the way to go. If crunch time is a constant in your work, then management is doing something wrong (maybe we need more people, maybe delivery times are too tight, etc), and it's not your job to fix that. But if you fix that, then management will think they are doing a good job. and the load of their fault will be on you. Crunch time is not bad (specially if you get payed fot it), it's bad when it's the norm or when you are doing the job of two people but don't get compensated for it.
Moving place is exhausted actually, the more I move the more and more stuff i need to carry, took tons of time and effort, especially if your friends can't help you as they are not living around
Programming is a hobby for me, im graduating next year and hoping to make as much money as I can as fast I can. My ultimate goal, dream and ambition, in life is to get married, have a family and possibly help others if I get there economically.
@@erickmoya1401 best of luck I guess. Im also in a third rate country, though I hope to stay in it if I'm lucky enough to get hired be a company who have a branch here. Or to a country close by.
@@fuzzy-02 depends where you are, but you should consider moving if it’s truly a third rate country. My guess is you’re not in any sort of intense economic or health hardships, however if you are getting into a branch that is based in a more stable country will help you a lot. As relocating to another country your company works in is much easier. That’s more of a long term plan though, if you’re happy healthy and your family is located where you are there might be no reason for you to move. I’d also recommend traveling to different places to see if you like them, tech jobs are extremely blessed in that regard, affording time off and travel is a luxury few people get in their life.
I can totally relate about taking risk ... I moved from the Middle East to Malaysia ... I did not know anyone or anything about the country ... I took a job over the internet ... I did the interview on skype before this was even a thing in 2014 ... and did the same thing again moving from Malaysia to Europe this time also for a job from Linked In, but this time with a wife and two little kids, totally different country and culture and language. but you know what? it is worth it :) I at least have some story to tell :D
My experience has also shown that the pressure thing is true. I did become better because of it but I also burned myself out massively and became more cynical about the workplace so overall I don’t know if it was a net positive or not.
Learn to identify when a company is in Cargo-Cult mode, that is, it tries to emulate SOME aspects of successful startups such as long hours and pointless cheer leading rah-rah sessions, but without the harder things like remuneration. If every day, week and month is crunch time 80hs/wk and all you get is high stress and an occasional $25 Starbuck card, then get the hell out and don't look back.
Damn, I'm almost 29 and thought that my plan of getting the first dev job is me being very-very late. I've been programming on and off in different langs since like 15, but never pursued a career because... idk, impostor syndrome? But I'm really fascinated by Rust now and aim to finally get a job in software (I realize Rust + entry position is a very hard thing to come by).
the most important part of being a programmer is to not lose the fun. If u have fun with your job, then the time isn't wasted, even if the product is shitty or the pay. But if you're having fun at your job, then your spend an average of 160 hours a month on having fun, sounds to me like it is a great deal. I often have to remind myself that climbing the ladder and getting better pay isn't always worth it.
There’s also a different take that it takes courage to turn down amazing offers to keep your family around your family and community. Maybe it takes a hit to your career or growth, but may be great for your family’s growth.
When the culture of your company entails aggressive product launches and product deadlines where hardware will ship to customers, it has been my experience that the guys who take on too much get shafted with more stuff. They aren't necessarily learning more either. There are diminishing returns to being hyper-willing to do anything for the company. My feeling is I don't owe my job 'everything', it's give and take. They pay me to do stuff, I do it to the best of my abilities, try to improve, but I also don't try to have some kind of savior complex at my job thinking that ship would sink if I left. In times when I have gone above and beyond, I have never really been rewarded with promotions or authority. It just becomes normalized that when shit goes south in a project they bring me in to fix their mess, at the 11th hour. There is a calculus to not being too reliable, too available. Be quietly excellent at your job but don't be a hero, there is no reward.
In my former field, we use to call it "hero ball". If you know the NBA, Russell Westbrook is the type of player. He can only excel if he's doing most, if not all, of the work. Put him on a team with other capable players, and he's terrible, a liability. The answer is to play like Nikola Jokic. Excel by getting other players more involved and only score when you have to have. Get a quality team around you and parcel out the work so that it's load balanced
Hey man could you make a video about networking in the tech scene I've recently started a bootcamp in Boston and Im trying to get a grasp on where to start especially in this current climate with all the layoffs
I'm 54 semi-retired working PT for startups. I did a lot of OT in my 20s. In my 30s, I started to refuse to do regular OT at a job. I was willing to do occasional OT, but it had to be an unexpected exceptional situation and not because some sales person or PM over-committed. I was willing to do OT for some kind of difficult onsite bug or regulatory issue. I was criticized in my yearly reviews, but no regrets. When interviewing I always ask about life/work balance and the background of my direct manager (which should be technical). I was able to retire early because I took risks on startups. I could have retired 10 years earlier if I hand't pulled out of one of the startups. My biggest regret is not getting diagnosed for ADHD earlier. I knew something was wrong at 30, but didn't understand it and didn't seek help. This killed my productivity.
Toxic means your boss / manager is manipulating you to their favour, regardless of whether the work benefits you in any way at all. Some common examples: - Constant over time work without extra pay. - Assigning you all the grunt without the room to grow. - Promising shares or increased compensation in the future but without ever fulfilling them. There are endless companies out there who can only survive by exploiting their employees. They aren't providing enough meaningful value to the society.
Toxic environment is: 1) people are rude 2) not saying thank you and showing some gratitude, especially when you went beyond and extra 3) not paying for overtime if you are actually need it(I am not talking about when you were slacking all day and now ask for overtime). 4) very very unreasonable requests.
Great to see that even 20 years ago some people start their journey at 30+ years of age. I worked as a Critical Care Nurse for 7 years, and made the transition to SWE 2 years ago. Happilly working as a Dev 😄
I know exactly what is the correct pressure : It is when there is a pressure directed at a clear goal and with well-defined steps and tools. pressure to try to solve something when no body knows how to it or When there are unrealistic expectation, is when become toxic.
i worked for 20 years as developer but I dont let anyone boss treat me like 💩😂 I keep telling juniors (10 years below) there is still work tomorrow and they will only remember performance at the end of the fiscal year and no matter what you do... the rating is still the same. It is better to negotiate for any work and deadlines and call out nonsense deadlines at least tell the risk and let them decide and when it blows up you are safe because you already called it.
In the military they always encourage you to “stay quite and blend in” I feel like I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I didn’t raise my hand to help out more.
To add to this, you can forgive, while still recognizing that you dont need the person in your life. There is a line, that when people cross it, it is no longer forgiveable. You will know if that is the case. In that situation all you can do is move on. There are some very disgusting things humans can do that cannot be forgiven. But this is very rare. Most of the time, it will do you much more good to accept that they didnt know what they were doing, and you didnt either, and move on with your new knowledge in time. As far as it matters to you, all you can do is make sure it doesnt happen again, and learn to deal with it effectively if it does. So sitting with the bad feelings rather than actually fully evaluating the situation effectively is only the correct option when there is not a possible explanation that isnt fucked up beyond belief. Even when the action is not forgiveable, you CANNOT sit with it. You must move on. You must do the best you can to have the best life you possibly can. Otherwise you are just adding to the hurt you feel rather than helping yourself get better.
I have just been self teaching myself for the past year. I would imagine that when it comes to a toxic work environment and extra hours there is a major difference between a project you are passionate about and tedious repetitive work. I remember when I was a kid my friend and I imagined that if you worked at a big game company your life could become complete shit just depending on the whims of a manager assigning you to Quake or My Little Pony.
I did not start learning to code untill I was in my mid forties. I only dabbled and never took it serious. But can no longer stomach the current field that I am in and am going to pursue a career in it at the age of 51. I am nNot sure if I will ever make it, but I am dam sure gonna try.
I'm 33. I was forced into a tech lead position I didn't want. I didn't feel ready. The "extra pressure leads to more pressure" is very real. I felt like I couldn't say no. I ended up leaving right before 4 years. I made great money but couldn't relax, constantly worried about work and deadlines. Just couldn't take the pressure anymore. A few months later, there was a cut to the project and they laid people off. Turns out they were essentially trying to squeeze water from a rock before they withdrew funding anyway. Sometimes it just ain't worth it, folks.