3 Ideas About Autism that Sound Good (but are actually TOXIC!) - Have you noticed them? 

When people say, “You don’t need help. You are so smart and capable, you just gotta believe you can do it and try.”

"Anyone can do anything if they just try hard enough." Because apparently, if you don't look disabled, all your limitations are in your head and can be overcome by willpower alone.

I get the feeling many people believe that if we could simply be more like them, we’d be happier i.e we should try to emulate NTs. Yeah, nah no thank you

I spent more than fifteen years working in customer service, and, looking back, it's amazing how poor neurotypical people are at accommodating others. An example that always comes to mind is the drive through. It is extremely common for people to be hard of hearing, so I learned quickly that if someone couldn't understand me through the drive up rephrasing the same sentence could make all the difference. Even just flipping the order of words can help. None of my neurotypical coworkers got this, even when I clearly explained to them how to do it. Thanks for this video!

The exact attitude of "you can come over to my house but you have to do what we do" is the reason I experienced SA when I was 10yo, having no idea that what was happening wasn't a normal way to "play house". I was raised to do what the other person wanted when we were at their place, no matter how I felt about it. I was never told that saying no to other kids or adults, or having any boundaries of my own at all, was even an option. Around parents and peers, what I had to say about how I felt was consistently ignored, or I would even end up punished by adults for attempting to express myself and my needs in a way that neurotypical people would accept. I was trained my entire childhood to ignore what my body and intuition tell me, lest something bad happen as a result of me trying to assert myself.

All my life, I've put others' needs before my own because I constantly believed it was the "right thing to do." Still, I realized, after being diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago, that it made my life incredibly miserable amongst my friends because my needs were never met. It gave people a reason to assign an expected role that I obliviously played out, that I was someone people could rely on by always giving them my undivided attention. However, none of my friends ever did the same for me, and when my health took a toll, my friendships were truly tested, and I was abandoned after a decade of camaraderie. My diagnosis and experiences have taught me never to neglect myself for the needs of others and that if I'm viewed as a narcissist or selfish, so be it-I will never live a life of misery trying to please or make others happy again. I will be my authentic self first and foremost, without any filters. I'll still be kind, but I cannot risk forsaking my happiness just for others' happiness.

Me being considerate of others implies others also being considerate of me hit hard. Don't think I've ever thought of it that way. Brilliant.

Saying "you shouldn't put your own needs first" is saying "you should put what I want before your own personal needs" which is about the most selfish thing you can ask someone

Heard all of them already. My brother's initial reaction to my diagnosis as an adult: "you have to actively work on this now and change your behaviour. And don't think you can use this diagnosis as an excuse all the times! My reaction: anger! How can they dare. I have heard so many times " he/she is like that, accept it". Well then, you have to accept me as well as I am.

I really liked that you mentioned that you can advocate for yourself even if you are the minority. Also I identify with the whole I'm being selfish for needing anything from anybody. Having been raised in a dysfunctional home as well as being autistic (self identify) I'm always sacrificing my needs to please the rest of the world 😢

I can so relate to this. I wish neurotypical people would look at their attitudes and responses to us rather than making us constantly feel we’re the problem. It’s hard enough trying to identify our own needs without constantly worrying about being socially acceptable and fitting in or not causing attention to ourselves. Life is so difficult to navigate as it is being autistic and the lack of understanding or empathy from most neurotypical attitudes really makes existing so much harder let alone living life and enjoying life.

At age 61, I have always found that I am the one expected to give way to others; nobody ever considers my needs. It is why I have withdrawn from society and live like a hermit now.

The "golden" (do unto others as you would want yourself) rule can also lead to a similar sort of toxic attitude, since it assumes that other people have the same wants and needs that you do. One that comes up for me a lot is being treated as childish whenever I don't understand something, or I miss subtext. Infantilization is bullshit, and I can see the person in front of me doing it, but it's hard to call out. It's all tangled up in a few different toxic ideas. It's why I get so upset when people I don't know well call me cute. There's a thin line between the harmless compliment and diminishing me.

"Be considerate & it's selfish to put your needs first". I bought into that one for most of my life and finally realized it was toxic beyond measure. And that it's not expected by people who love you.

Wow I’ve been wishing for a sensory room at work so I can hide from my coworkers when I’m feeling overwhelmed, but you’ve just helped me realize that I shouldn’t feel like I have to hide in the first place. Thank you, Paul ❤

My therapist has no prior experience with individuals with autism, but somehow, she just gets it. She hears me trying to say that I know what's right, but that I don't like it, that I prefer my way and most of the time have various reasons supporting my preference. She asks me routinely when I least expect it, but most need to, "Want to suggest an alternative" or "I don't believe I quite understand, can you help me understand." I've had a total of 5 therapist in the past two years. My therapeutic relationship with them being short and not very therapeutic, but she just gets it. She gets that I do things my way because I choose to (sort of).

Yep, this is genuinely useful. I've known I have autism fr as long as I remember almost, and I am like 98% sure I went through ABA because I lived in Alabama when I was diagnosed and for several years after. Literally on May 3rd this year RU-vid decided to personally attack me and throw all the " You have Autism and here's all the ways to self care and stuff " videos at me. I feel like I am relearning how to actually be able to find happiness, but I think that I am also uncovering a lot of trauma in the process. I saw a comment somewhere recently that was basically "most mental health professionals don't know what a genuinely happy autistic person looks like because it is so common for us to be abused and refused the right to develop agency" or something along those lines. So far I think I am glad I found this little corner of the internet.

6:00 There was also a TV show (maybe 15 years ago) I can't remember what it was called, but they told several different families that they were being sent on luxury adventure holidays. What actually happened was they were sent to remote locations in different countries where they didn't know the language or culture, and they had to work it out. Literally in one case, in a slow leaky boat up a river sharing their space with caged chickens. A workmate remarked to me about how cruel and abusive this show was, and I'm thinking "This is pretty much my life."

My initial reaction to hearing those three toxic attitudes is that I need to stop being toxic to myself. For example, my mum says my excessive talking is "intolerable", so I've been trying really hard to stop this. I am halfway through my Autism assessment, so I am just learning to navigate this. Before I knew about Autism, I bought a van to convert so I can live on the fringes of society permanently alone and not upset anyone else because I'm different. This is a huge journey.

If NT cultural expectations had to be explicit, instead of communicated through non-verbal, passive-aggressive behavior, I think even they would see how silly it is. I like that you pointed out how kind people are when they don't expect you to know their cultural rules. Rick Glassman talks about how it is about managing expectations. I enjoy watching him interact with his guests (Take Your Shoes Off podcast) and how well they adapt and accept his rules. It takes effort from everyone to make society welcoming to people with different needs. We're not the only ones who stand to benefit from changing expectations.

For attitude #1 it’s like, social skills should mean you can navigate social situations with many types of people. Not just “normal people” I first taught myself neuronormative (is that the word you used?) communication style right after I started my ADHD medication and actually oiece together some unwritten rules and have the attention to catch and implement them. Then I learned the type of social skill a restaurant server has, and THEN I had to readjust because I was talking to other neurodivergent people like they were neurotypical, creating a barrier between us. Either they couldn’t adjust to me, or they could and we were both just masking. It takes “social skills” imo to be able to communicate “hey I have a hard time with sarcasm, does that mean X?” And “hey it’s loud here so I’m gonna go over there if you want to come with” and just straight up not talking when I don’t have anything to say or am tired.

About "masking," I'd like to hear you address the nature of "internal masking." I.e., the psycho-emotional cost not only of presenting a facade that seems to conform to social expectations, but of actually manipulating one's own feelings, thoughts, internal "parameters," to conform to what one thinks...as signalled by the exterior world...are the normative realities of EVERYBODY'S inner life. It is now occurring to me how devastating this has been to my life.

To point 3, I have found that when we ask the group to accommodate for our need, we can also make the environment more comfortable for others who would usually consider it a "minor inconvenience". This gesture can, as a result, be appreciated by others who would normally just "tough it out". I find this thought helpful when advocating for myself as I can reframe it from "I'm being selfish" to "I'm speak up not just for me, but also making things easier for others".

My initial reaction is whose being selfish? It is all about forcing us to conform. To have their kind of communication, to have no needs of our own, to have to do everything in THEIR prescribed way. Basically, how dare we be different. Also, it's not just that we don't like certain things, these actually cause us real stress and burn out. Usually people make comments like this out of ignorance. It is very minimising to have someone undermine differences in this way and with the underlying attitude that we are the problem that needs to get with it!

This video made me cry. It's so fucking validating to hear someone else say these things. Especially around asking for help and accomodation. The thing you said about group behaviour, how were contantly pushed to obliterate ourselves and our own needs for the convenience of others really hit home. I personally have a really hard time even accepting that my needs are real and valid, since they don't fit into the neurotypical mold, making me ashamed and fearful to ask for them, even if i know that people care and want me to be comfortable. These are some real shitty problems. Thank you for making the video.

Excellent video. "Everyone has to do things that they don't like sometimes." Yes, but not everyone has to endure what feels like torture on a regular basis (often while pretending their hardest to not be bothered). Let's not create false equivalences here. All my life I struggled with debilitating anxiety, and people treated it like it was just some minor inconvenience I could just "get over" by choosing to not be anxious or something? As if my problem was just that I wasn't willing to challenge myself or refused to be even mildly uncomfortable. Yeah, I have complex PTSD, and I have regularly endured levels of discomfort most people would find intolerable and incapacitating, and I've done it while effectively masking and not even appearing to break a sweat. It's not a choice for me to experience this kind of anxiety, and it's not just a minor inconvenience or discomfort. It sends my body into a survival response, stressing me out and torturing me on a daily basis. But yeah, sure, everyone deals with that, right?

This made me tear up a bit. The part about relaxing social norms felt like a warm never-recieved hug.

Also, my mother accused some of my friends and I of being selfish because we do not want to be cured of our autism.

I’ve run into this phenomenon where I have been reassured I can vocalize my needs and ask for help, and then when I do (to the people who said I can) it suddenly feels like I’m asking too much from them. I do understand it’s a very thin line between selfishness and putting others first and I’m trying to find that middle ground, it just hurts so badly when I trying to make steps towards self-advocating my needs and then those people seemingly do a 180 on that support. It’s wracked my mental state in the past and makes me more hesitant to say I have a problem to anyone. I don’t want to bear my problems alone, I’m not all that prideful about it. I’m more terrified of my needs and feelings being invalidated.

The email example you gave hit me. "The we all need to do things we find difficult" thing hit home. We also shouldn't be expected everything we find difficult nor expect that the difficulty is the same for everyone. I see so many others replying to emails without too much of a care because it's routine, they know all the ins and outs and immediately pick up on subtexts they need to respond to. Not me. Not everyone like me, on the spectrum. I can't find the subtext. I reply to the literal meaning immediately. The subtext is the "why they say it" and that's not just mind-reading, it's having to remember all those perspectives and taking a lot of time to figure out what someone meant, why they said it so I don't ignore it. If it was sarcasm, it's even worse. What others "can know" without mindreading and without just the literal parts is what gets expected and it's something that might simply be unavailable to some of us by degree Another one: "Taking a hint", being blamed/backstabbed later for not picking up on it..while not uncommon, is all too common for some of us. I can spend 20 minutes revising and revising a single sentence. Even replying here, I'm struggling. I re-read and "second guess" but if I don't re-read, I remain unsatisfied and my words remain confusing and while revision does help, I'm still disjointed. It's why I also despise chat programs that do not allow an edit or unsend option. Live chats can be as risky as talking.

I keep getting frustrated about how people try to find an alternative mental disorder instead of just accepting that I have autism. And they will most often choose to label me with disorders that can be treated with a pill. The reason why this frustrates me is because, people will just continue to tell me that I need to take more and more pills, and therefore they will continue to be disappointed in me when my sensitivities don't go away. And they assume that I am not taking medication already. And for some reason, I always find that the people who feel closest to me are the ones who act the most oppositional about the things that affect me the most. Whenever I told total strangers that my neighbor in the condo unit above me (who was 19 years old) would throw parties with all of his friends (they would wrestle and land on the floor (my ceiling) over and over again) and cause me panic attacks) they would empathize with me. But when telling a close friend or family member about this, they wouldn't believe any of it, because they said that it made no sense that somebody would do that. And say that all apartment and condo complexes are going to have noise if someone lives above me (mind you, I have had a new neighbor for the past 5 years and haven't had problems with him, because walking around on the floor is a lot better than wrestling and landing on my ceiling). This is the same attitude that I get about my autism. Acquaintances (and my ex and my supervisor at my last job) told me that they could see my autism. Close family members don't seem to want to believe that I have autism and seem as though they don't want me to have it. And this only bothers me because they are going to continue to try and fix something that can't be cured. So they will continue to tell me to take another pill, whenever they decide that they don't like something about me, and then wonder why I feel the need to be perfect (maybe they want me to take a pill for THAT too, because I am not supposed to think like a perfectionist. But then if I talk to them a different day and tell them that being a perfectionist is an autistic trait, they will change their mind and act like it's normal (that everybody does that). And they wonder why I have such a hard time going to family gatherings. I feel so selfish when I have to leave the room and go for a walk, or do things to accomodate to myself when I am around friends and family. I will tell them, for example, that I will need to get a hotel room if I drive to Saskatchewan to visit my grandparents, and family members will be like, "Well, you could probably stay with your aunty for a few days instead (she has a house full of kids over there)" and then they will get irritated (or even offended) when I don't take the offer. And so I convince myself that my mental health will be better protected if I limit my interactions with people, when they act misunderstanding and get irritated with me. And the thing is, I accomodate to MYSELF, and I still get that kind of attitude towards me. And that's a bit depressing.

Thank you for this video, it sums up my last thoughts perfectly. I'm a 60-year-old woman. I recently found out I'm on the autism spectrum and has struggled my whole life to adjust to these notions.

Three big NOPEs from me, the first one particularly. We have social skills already, they may be different, but they're there and in many ways they are better. Saying "autism is a superpower" lands badly with me. I think maybe because it's othering, it erases so much and takes away the ability to frame the way I prefer - as just a person with my own strengths and weaknesses just getting through life like any other person.

I like how you handle the "selfishness" argument, especially in intimate relationships. In a sense, everyone has unique communication styles, and part of being in an intimate relationship means learning to accommodate each other's particularities. Accommodation is a two way street

Wow, these are way more subtle and pernicious than I imagined. I thought we might be going after 'super power' savant tropes and empathy here. But you've covered those before... This was even more interesting food for thought

I have always been told "be a problem solver, not a problem maker" this has made me feel like I have to "solve" all my needs on my own. If I go to someone and talk about it then i am inconveniencing them or being a burdon. Many times this leaves me suffering alone and thinking that I have to.

Forget learning social skills, but I could use someone to translate when I sound offensive, but only in those situations. They could translate other people for me too, when I need it. My mom helps with that, but she’s autistic too and sometimes we’re both confused. 😂

Completely relatable. My mother has never understood this, but my father is starting to. I have always tended to get on better with Asian people than Westerners, not because I am what a toxic politician calls a "reverse racist" but because intellectualism was viewed more highly in Asian cultures and because some of the social mores in Asian cultures seem more compatible with my ways than Western ways. I have always felt at odds with being Australian. The saying "we all have to do things we don't like (or want to do)" also has an application in the medical field for me. When I was twelve, my mother deliberately forced me to see a doctor she knew I didn't like. My mother's inflexible thinking had a role to play there, too. She wanted to get my brother's hair cut on the same afternoon (more flexible thinking would have been giving my brother the money to pay the barber, and as the barber knew my father, too, he could have said, "You can wait here until your mother returns," OR "Your father's work is a hop, skip and a jump from the barber's shop, so walk down there after you've had your hair cut and I'll meet you there.") Instead, she wanted me to have a shower before seeing the doctor, when I could have gone in my school uniform. And I take the attitude, my mother didn't want me to go to the doctor during school time, and the last semester of Year Twelve, not if you can avoid it, the first semester of Year Eight, you can be a little more flexible. As it was, I had to miss two hours of school three months later to see an orthodontist! Anyway, I digress, we had an appointment with a doctor who I thought was okay, but she was running behind schedule, and the receptionist asked if we wanted to see this other doctor, instead, because he'd be quicker, and my mother said yes, and I had a meltdown. Some months later, my father had to go to the doctor, and as I was a bit sick, asked me if I wanted to go, too, and as he was seeing this doctor, I said no. My mother wasn't feeling well, and was in bed, and she asked me about this, and I foolishly said, "Especially because of who he's seeing." Granted, this was before mobile phones, even those the size of a brick, and she suddenly sparked up and said, "What? Is he seeing (insert doctor's name)?" "Yes." She then accused me of being defiant and told me that I'd be seeing this doctor, and flippantly said, "We all have to do things we don't want to do." Yes, we all have to do some things, but not having bodily autonomy at an age where it mattered is unacceptable!

I need to start sharing your content with my coworkers. I see ABA creeping into my school more and more, and I need to stop it!

In the past I would hang back and let others make decisions as long as no one was getting hurt, even though it was sometimes stressful for me. Now I let some people know what I prefer, and I find many to be more accommodating than I had expected.

My initial reaction was that these were toxic suble behaviours from us autistics... I guess I'm really just starting to learn that everything is not my fault, after so many toxic views being swung at me over the years from unknowing people who "just follow the rules of society". That's internal ableism for you.

My response to each is, "Yes, BUT." Take number one, for example. Yes, helping us navigate the social skills minefield, pointing out some of the more subtle rules, is great, but the way NT people interpret "help" and the help that will actually be _helpful_ are two very, very different things.

I have had a pause of your videos for a while now, because they hurt so much. My wife is very understanding and especially as one of our daughters acts similar to me my wife slowly grasps how I became the person I am today. I am a bit damaged but we try to be good parents and help our daughter to be strong and able to live her own life.

1. Maybe NT people should learn ND social skills? 2. Yeah, when I was at school, I had to do stuff I found impossible - i.e. PE. But, as an adult, and in my spare time, why shouldn’t I do what I’m better at and enjoy?! Why would I waste my precious time on anything I already know, from personal experience, my body won’t let me do?! 3. Being considerate is fine, but why sbould I be a doormat?! If it’s one-sided, that is a huge red flag! If you’re frequently the only one in that group that needs something, that’s a sign they’re not the right group for you and you need to find people with whom you’re not the odd one out.

Absolutely agree with your analysis of all three. Just to illustrate how these affect us: one of the 'solutions' to the 'problems' I was supposedly causing at work was to have me trained in social skills. When I suggested that the rest of my team might benefit from training, I was told they as they were 'normal', training would be inappropriate.

I was diagnosed with ADHD 6 days ago. It took me MINUTES to go on RU-vid and learn that I also fit the Autism "listings of weirdnesses". Emotions are colors to me. I always avoid eye contact unless I know someone well. I can't not be distracted by whatever and who knows. I have MEMORIES which are preverbal! All anyone ever said to ME was, "Gee your memory is so GOOD!" REALLY?!?! Now I know what my life IS! This video did trigger me and make me angry! I was recently told that, "Well everyone has idiosyncrasies" and "You have ADHD? Who doesn't?" I'll just leave this BS there for ya to detect. Paul, thank you SO much for YouTubing. It is because of you and a few others like Orion Kelly that I had my Dori moment! I LITERALLY had the "P SHERMAN, WALLABY WAY, SYDNEY!!!" moment. You Aussies are always so awesome.

Initial impressions: 1. Sometimes/in certain ways-not correcting us all the time. 2. Absolutely true* 3. Sometimes-meeting the needs you can meet best provides optimal social value, usually, that means prioritising your needs, sometimes it means prioritising others’ without ignoring your own. *The chances of something unpleasant coming up eventually are really high for pretty much anyone, even us. However, invalidating someone else’s limitations and saying they should engage in behaviour that stretches them beyond their limits and results in harm is never okay.

What a wonderfully nuanced and compassionate discussion with great examples! I'm training to become a clinical counselor and trying to better understand neurodivergence. Your videos more than anyone else's have helped me access deeper insight into the experiences of autistic adults while reframing the way I conceptualize neurotypical ways of being. Thank you so much and keep up the amazing work!

You have to be careful, know what actually helps and don't get upset if you feel like your advice is being ignored, it can definitely be helpful to try to help with social misunderstanding in the moment. Sometimes helping other people in the room understand each other helps a lot. Some aspects of social behavior just need reminders here and there. It's very important to let people know that they are having a misunderstanding. This is true to a certain extent, but usually only if it's detrimental to the situation, it's good to try things once but peer pressure is a bad way to do it. Self care is important and trying to establish a new pattern of functioning can be very helpful. Focusing on a social situations in the moment for me can be very difficult. Inconsistent social situations are very confusing for me, I struggle to adjust and I don't consistently in my ability to function. Other people's emotions affect me a lot, anxious people make me very anxious. I struggle to find a balance between putting my needs first and being passive. I get a lot of push back, just get ignored or forgotten when I, tell people that the TV is too loud or just that I don't feel good. Having to keep explaining what is bothering me and why isn't reasonable for me to keep doing. Putting myself first makes me feel like a burden or like I'm ruining everyone else's day, and it has gotten me treated poorly for most of my life.

The consideration for others has often been used by manipulators to get what they want, and to bully you into an unsatisfactory and one-sided relationship in my experience. All parties need tone considerate to others and take everyone's needs into account, and even though you cannot always expect to have your own way all the time, you can always do a stocktake of what is in the relationship for you and choose to walk away if needed

I immediately agree that all three have the potential for subjective toxicity within particular contexts with particular people. Glad you're coving the topic in a nuanced way, good sir! I'll continue on with the video...

I was in a therapy group once, where one of the participants had a very small and nervous dog. This was not a well-behaved dog, it would constantly move around, focus on me in particular, bark, and behave in an attention-diverting way every few seconds, for the whole hour and a half. I was totally unable to focus on the group and the conversation, because the dog's constant behavior prevented me from settling into it. The dog's person made no effort at all to calm or control the dog, though it was on a leash. I asked, politely, quietly, if the dog could be excluded, but I was told that if I had a problem with the dog, I should leave the room until I was able to come back. I tried again to say that the presence of the dog's behavior prevented me from functioning at all. The group leader put it to a vote, and the other eight people, mildly embarrassed for the sake of the dog's person, said they didn't MIND the presence of the dog, though they ALL agreed it was disruptive to them, the neurotypicals. Unable to participate, I had to resign from the group, and then my leaving the group was held against me when I attempted to join another group in the same clinic. It was MY job to somehow not have had that problem in the first place, and then it was MY job to endure unbearable disruptions, and I was told I had failed basic group participation, because I couldn't JUST BE OKAY with a dog that no one else was having a problem with. and because I had failed, they said, I couldn't be trusted to belong and fit into another group, even though the other group had no such disruptive presence. I knew it was not fair, but I hadn't figured out how that wasn't fair, when they voted that the dog had more rights to belong to the group than I did. The dog's person wanted to bring her dog, but wasn't dependent on it for functioning. In the end, I had to quit the whole clinic. And this was supposed to be 'trauma-informed care.'

Thank you so much for explaining these toxic ideas. I've had people say those things to me. My own husband doesn't to me on a daily basis. When you mentioned them, I thought I knew what you were going to say. But you explained it so much better thank you so much. I'm sorry to say that my husband is very toxic. He just will not let me be me. Our whole relationship for 13 years he has expected me to do everything his way. Forcing me to hug people and wants me to be as social as he is. 😢

Thanks Paul 💙👊. Newly dx F 58. One of your last sentences rings so so true - “not allowed to ask for your own help” - I’ve been feeling like that my whole life. Makes real sense as have such hard time asking for help. Know the ASD is part of it but also the dysfunction and trauma grew up on. Thanks again for these highlights 💙👊😊

Thank you for this video. I have a very hard time advocating for myself at work. I'm supposed to get special accommodations that my employer is supposed to allow for but they often let them lapse and I have to continually ask for them back. For example, the radio in my workspace is supposed to be kept at a low volume but the managers often turn up the volume and I have to keep asking them to turn it back down. They don't take my condition seriously at all. It's exhausting.

Think we need to help everyone learn social skills, for sure. I don’t need to look someone in the eye, so why should I. People’s eyes burn it’s a strong thing to do and makes me quite uncomfortable so why should I put myself through it. Totally agree with you on culture as just lately that’s exactly how I’ve explained myself to others in that it’s like I when going to a foreign country and you need to learn something about the language and culture, meaning they’re also visiting a foreign country when they are with me. So sick of having to justify and explain myself, feel like it’s pointless sometimes.

1 .I think we should always help each other out in social situations regardless. Be kind. Offer guidance if someone seems to be struggling, but do not help someone without their consent. 2. We do sometimes have to do things we do not want to. AND if that thing causes anxiety then it is not ok to be pushed into doing it by another person. We are all sover

I have the opposite problem, I’m usually considered too nice, too compassionate. It’s really hard because like you said, we tend to think our needs aren’t important, so we don’t ask. But I still feel selfish. I wonder if I cater to other people in order to keep the attention on someone else. But I feel so deeply for them. I think there are other autistic people who seem self centered, but really, they’re just not sure how to react in certain situations. Behaving suitably in certain situations can seem snooty or cold. (Minefield! Stay home, avoid everyone! 😂)

Thank you for validating my experiences! Felt like walking on eggshells when speaking to many individuals instead of able to convey my needs to sought for their understanding and accommodation. Add masking and the other challenges like social anxiety or depression. I often had to swallow or temporarily suppress that side of "bad" self in order to properly fit into a neurotypical setting. #1 rings true at all times for me. In most conversations. #2 hits hard when stereotype, meeting new people and people who can't relate (even if it comes from family and friends) #3 deeply ingrained with how my parent taught me that I find hard to shake from religious upbringing. Also causes a deep shame/hurt especially around folks who share the same beliefs and outlook I feel sad how hard this hits.

I am astounded with the amount of information you have to share about Autism. I am new to all of this at age 40+ and my whole life I have felt like I didn’t belong, out of sync with people and my environment. From school, college, work, being in public. I have been watching your videos for about a month now and you have some very insightful information. Things that will click on like a light switch. At many jobs I have had, I have ask for accommodations; to simply to move to a quieter workspace. Every time Im told that it would be a disruption to the workplace. I would be away from my teammates, it inconvenient, even though it would not be a financial burden to the company. They saw it as me asking for something that they couldn’t give everyone else. I was told that by one manager. “What if others ask for the same thing? I cant do this for everyone.” But not everyone was me. I have sensory issues, along with hearing loss on the low spectrum so I wear hearing aids which amplify sound. I doesn’t matter that Ive told others of this. Ask them to speak up or to look at me while talking instead of walking past talking thinking I heard them. I was always the last to know and that crushed my self esteem. I get angry easily when I let the people know my needs and they don’t bother to try to have a conversation with me, work out a plan, research autism in the workplace. They ignore it and eventually Im the problem and they let me go saying my behavior doesn’t meet the policy’s definition of employee standards. My first job, I was the over 10 yrs. My second job, all 3 years of the covid pandemic, my last job, 6 months. All of which was after I ask for help. All three of these questions are deeply relevant to the non-typical. My last job, I offered to sit with the manager and doctor (who complained about me) and go over my needs and looks at some typical scenarios that are outlined in the American Disabilities Act specifically for autism and the hard of hearing. I was terminated with out cause. Now Im scared of what lay ahead. Will I ever find my place? Im educated with an Associates degree in Applied Science. O have worked as a Certified Medical Assistant for over 17 years, but now that has seemed to all washed away along with my identity.

I have heard that in Nicaragua there is a culture where you do not need to make eye contact

yeah l see this a lot and feel its so hard to deal with. p.s paul that spider plant needs some help too ;-)

The first one, helping autistic people to learn social interactions, has happened to feel right for me. The other ones immediately made me feel my stomach, as I know those well-meant badly-made stances too well. Ealrier in my life, I was more vulnerable to them, today I have some defence against them. Some people are very willing to understand, some give in if you just stand for your needs, and sometimes, I walk away from a cooperation or situation if it tends not to work out well. Social education has tended to work out well for me, as autistic traits are quite common throughout my family and we understand our special needs quite well so we have been able to help each other quite a lot.

This clarified a lot. And also I identify with that idea that we’re taught that our needs are reduced. This is not a zero sum game. There are ways to get close to be considerate of all parties present, without reducing the consideration for anyone

I hadn't thought much of point number 3 but once you started explaining, it sounded exactly like how a fomer friend of mine, when telling me she didn't want to be around eachother anymore, talked about how she felt she always had to accomodate my problems (such as being started by loud noises and having mild food adversions) for me when she believed I should have delt with them myself. She explained it as if it something I should have known and was choosing not to do.

I really appreciate you putting this out there! I've gotten so used to accommodating everyone else through camouflage that I have forgotten that I can ask others to meet me halfway. I love your note on the autistic ability to adapt to other culture. I worked internationally for 6 years and was really surprised by how rigid a lot of my fellow expats were. Looking back on it my ability to adjust was commented on fairly often by residents in the community. I hadn't made the connection until now.

This video definitely speaks to me. Being a person who had suffered from Obesity, not having my biological parents around, Asperger's Syndrome, and coming out as Gay at age 42, I have been most of these things. Thanks for sharing this!

Initial thoughts/reactions: 1. I know people who are on the spectrum who were able to pick up on social cues and such with little-to-no help from others just by being observant. I was not really one of those people, there are a lot of times when I really think life would have been easier and better if I'd had a little help and been diagnosed properly when I was much younger. I had to deal with being the "weird kid" in class who got ostracized quite a lot, especially after Columbine happened here in the U.S. However, I can also see how that could easily go into patronizing/condescending territory, as a lot of people will go so far as to take away your agency. My dad always knew something was "off" about me and sometimes tried to "help" by informing people by actually telling them that I was a little bit slow/off. That was demeaning. 2. I've been told/lectured about this, at best, and have been forced to do things that make me uncomfortable or possibly even traumatic at worst. This has included being forced to eat foods I didn't like, in fact that was usually the big thing. Food has always been a problem for me and my parents were borderline harassed by other family members about my eating habits, to the degree that they took me to the doctor and had intrusive tests run to ensure I wasn't malnourished. That included having blood drawn when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old, which could have been really traumatic if not for the really kind and patient nurse who drew the blood. 3. This was an issue that I also didn't realize was an issue until much later, but my personal space was invaded frequently, especially with concerns to my younger brothers and their friends. One brother in particular really pushed it, and his friends did as well. It got a lot worse to the point where I eventually found out my brother was stealing my things (toys and such) and giving them to his friends. For their part, when his friends found out he had stolen the items, they were returned, but I was 12-14 when this was going on, and my parents seemed to have more of an attitude of "Aren't you a little old for toys?"

This was a really good video. I used to feel very uncomfortable when people didn't conform to the social norms but I have since learned to be more accepting. This also means that I'm more accepting of my own needs which I have often suppressed because of social norms.

2) "We all have to do things we don't like from time to time" - 😡 (

wait! some have their needs first? 😢 me it's more: "no one works night" "well... I do..." "yeah... no one but Manu... lets leave at 6am!" and "we'll stop where you wanna go next trip." [but we won't...]

Ohhhh man the "be considerate of others" really messed me up. Because, another big underlying message of it is assuming that the autistic person isn't already trying to be considerate, or even that they are purposefully being inconsiderate. Growing up, I was highly aware of how I would accidentally be inconsiderate, and so whenever that would happen, I would always apologize and express that it wasn't intentional and outline the steps I was going to use moving forward or have been already trying to use to try to fix it, and ask for suggestions of what I can do moving forward, and every fkn time I was told by this one adult authority figure "why don't you care about others for a change?", as if I hadn't just explained the ways I was sacrificing my mental health trying to bottle my emotions and walk on eggshells for this person. This adult would completely ignore my apologizing and trying to explain that I was trying to improve and be more aware and that I cared more about them than I did about myself, and treated me like I was being malicious and was this villain who didn't give a shit about being considerate, when that was at the forefront of my mind a majority of the time. That (let's be honest, lowkey gaslighting by denying what I say and dictating my own motivations to me)... really messed me up.

You have a very good point about learning from other cultures. I’ve always wondered why I’ve been so interested about learning other cultures at the expense of compromising my own now that you have mentioned these things I understand that I am not really compromising, but I am using possibly a part of my autism ability.perform better.

Thanks Paul - this is brilliant. This topic should be central to discussions about autism, because autism isn't inherently disabling. It's disabling to the extent our needs are not accomodated by the majority. This is especially true when it comes to social settings, because human beings are social creatures. Our well being is heavily influenced by our level of social acceptance and support. Same as any other human being. We are routinely discriminated against in social settings because we are different. Social groups are little tribes, and tribes are all about conformity and exclusion. This in turn requires demonization of outsiders and other non-confoming people as moral justifictaion for bullying, humuliation, exploitation and ostracizing / banishment they (we) are subjected to. It all turns on the assumption that difference is bad - a threat to the group and it's brutal, covert hierchy and the distrubution of power brokered within it. When a neurotypical bully attacks an autisic person and says "It's nothing personal" they mean it. Because they don't see us as persons. They see us a opportunities to increase their social status by attempting to impose their will on someone they percive as weaker - physically and/or socially. The reason confronting bullies is so effective is because it denies them their goal - submission. Submission is how tyrants gain and weild power, and it all turns on a combination of obediance to authority, and group loyalty / power seeking, and the social shame and humilation that enforces the dominant social order. If anyone doubts this is true, seach RU-vid for these two topics: "The Milgram Experement" "The Stanford Prison Experiment" These were classic social experiements conducted over 1/2 a century ago. They have been replicated countless times accross a variety of cultures. The results are always the same. Milgram proved at Yale that the majority of human beings will follow orders to torture and kill a stranger if an authority figure insists they continue. Torture and murder. I'm not making this up, but I wish I was: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-Kzd6Ew3TraA.html The Milgram thing shows how powerful the obediance instinct is, and how it relies on the ability of people to shift responsibility for their actions onto others. Think "I was just following orders" and "Everyone else was doing it too" as moral justification for crimes against humanity. The Stanford Prison Experiment was conducted at Stanford University. It involved a mock prison whith gaurds and inmates assigned roles randomly, and then locked together in a basement with rooms used as cells. The experiment had to be stopped because of how abusive the gaurds became towards the prisoners - who were actually their classmates. Think of the abuse and torture at Abu Garab prison by American soldiers in the the Gulf War. Well disciplined and trained professional soldiers with power over people who were helpless engaged in some of the most disturbing, degenerate abuse possible for no reason other than.....well, they were bored, homesick, and having fun. They got caught because they documented the abuse themselves and shared it with freinds and family and other soldiers - doubtless trying to increase their social status with their peers! ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-KND_bBDE8RQ.html The good news is, autistic people are not crazy or unreasonable. Our social anxiety is an adaptive response to the NT social world. It's typical people and their primitive instincts coupled with their cowardice and sadism that are the real problem. We have good reason to fear and avoid interacting with these monsters. Sometimes it's safe to interact with some of them. One on one. But when they form groups? I'm out Litterally out I've always been an outsider and I always will be. Now that I understand why, I no longer hate myself for not fitting in. I'm proud of myself for surviving such an awful, crippling social environment with love in my heart for everyone - even my tormentors. All living things are beautiful, and neurotypical people didn't choose to be animals anymore than I chose to be autistic. I now understand that they dangerous animals, and best approached with caution when they form packs, or appreciated from a safe distance. The cutest family pet dog can turn into a cold blooded killer if it gets loose and joins a feral group of dogs. So make no mistake. We are in danger in NT led social settings. Our task is the same as any human being: To move safely through social viper nests without getting snakebit. It's just much, much harder for us. I look at this way: A parapelgic person can get up a flight of stairs without a ramp or elevator, but it's gonna be an ugly, exhausting, slow, humilating, stuggle. A blind person can drive a car on the freeway in similar fashsion - with utterly predictable results

What those toxic beliefs don't take into consideration is that "I can't ". I am retired and have studied people's interactions so I think I have a decent idea of appropriate social skills. The problem is, if I am concentrating on looking at eyebrows so they think I'm making eye contact, not stimming or stimming in a way that isn't obvious, etc, I am so focused on appearing normal that I am missing out on what is happening, what is being said, etc. In a conversation, if a question is asked, I have so many possible responses running through my brain that I don't have time to find the best response before I am accused of not paying attention or respond inappropriately. Play background music? I only catch the odd words here and there so I have no idea what is being said. I may as well not be there. Even going to a quiet room prevents my being a participant. I'm not being self centered when I ask for accommodations so I can be part of what is going on. It is self preservation. It's easier to just choose not to socialize. I am so glad I'm not in the workforce anymore. Almost everything was 10 times as hard for me as for my NT coworkers and they didn't get that.

I’ll focus on #1. I’ve come to think that a lot of the social issues relate to instincts. Autistic people do have instincts for what others mean by something, which is why we can often understand each other pretty well. They are just different instincts. Given that I can misunderstand the intent of someone else, I’ve been trying to cultivate some compassion for NT people having trouble with, say, what my expression or type of response means. It can be hard to fight your instinctive reaction, especially if it’s a trigger. In looking at it this way, the same rules would apply to ND and NT people; we all acknowledge that our instinctive reaction may or may not be right, that we should try to stay open to the possibility that we are misinterpreting, and also that staying open to that, and not running solely on instinct, is hard work for anyone. One of the toxic things about #1 is the idea that NDs must always be on guard for their misinterpretations, but that NTs always have it right at the get go and can basically phone it in. That’s just not true. It’s what I’ve always felt: I’m trying awfully hard to stay open to other interpretations, and I am looking for other people to put that work in too. The other half of number 1 is the impact of tribal instincts on social interactions. The right way/wrong concept is mostly a tribal or cultural construct, as Paul indicates, but it’s worth noting that the extent to which this divides people into discreet groups is to a large degree intentional. Tribal instincts and hierarchies come from our primate roots: a strong, underlying impulse to identify who is part of your tribe, and who isn’t, and within the tribe, each member’s individual rank. I submit that one of the things that gets autistic people in “social trouble” is how easily some people will instantly perceive us as not part of their tribe. When we are dealing people who are really conscious of tribe and rank, teaching “poor inept autistic people” to “engage properly” is truly toxic, because it implies that, if we do it right, these people would accept us - and many won’t. No wonder we so often feel like failures. No wonder we avoid larger social groups where tribe and rank play the largest role. Even if we are accepted, it will be implicitly understood that we are at the absolute bottom of the pack, and we will be smacked down if we do anything that is perceived as trying to rise above our rank. There’s a risk of becoming more demoralized and angry at this than is useful, and I suspect some of the people in occupational therapy, etc. are probably very wary of that - let’s not bum kids out, stay positive! Yes, but if staying positive means keeping quiet about the parts that personal training can’t fix, it leaves the trainee vulnerable to wondering why they are trying so hard and still not getting it to work...and that’s toxic. Credit for the tribal/rank stuff goes to Robert Saplosky’s Human Behavioral Biology lectures, an obsession of mine. Available without commercials on the Stanford RU-vid channel. Tribal content was probably largely in the Etology lecture, but the full 26-or-so lecture series is worth it.

I have experienced all of them. It is very challenging to have been dismissed my entire life, and when I received a diagnosis, people referred to my sensory issues as something all people have experienced. I felt extremely angry because of this. To people who are on the spectrum, I wish a lot of love, as it is not easy to navigate in this society.

Thank you for this. For decades I’ve been trying to work out how to consistently self advocate, and you fit what I need to remember into basically a paragraph 💚💚💚

As for Idea 1, I usually expect myself to (attempt to) read others needs & adapt to them without telling them that I am compensating for their (assumed) inability. I don't expect much (if any) reciprocity; most people seem to think that if I have met their needs they have done due social diligence to me. As for Idea 2, I know I am responsible for me come Hell or high water, & no matter what gets thrown at me I must overcome. Again I expect little if any reciprocity; people seem to look to other people primarily as mirrors of themselves, not as new connections with people. I will never know why. As for Idea 3, I have yet to learn how to advocate for needs other people don't have or even to identify them. I'd like to see a video on the phrase, "No one will believe you." It's rarely spoken aloud yet it makes up so much of the social life of someone with an invisible disability, or even a special ability or interest.

the last one is really painful. I was so systematically confused by the type of problems that I was having as a child/teen. I couldn't even say what exactly was off, but the feedback/solution was so obviously off base and dismissive, I now as an adult struggle to meet and understand my own needs. Like nom, the work isn't complicated at all, I just can't speak at the end of the day to appropriately pass it on.

Since he's asking me about my initial reaction, here's my initial reaction : Initial reaction : 1) Seems condescending 2) Seems really dismissive 3) that's a red flag, especially the "it's selfish to put your needs first"

I felt defensive at first watching this but then found so much that I could relate to. Thank you for this, you make excellent points.

Really well written video, at the start, I thought the 3 ideas were okay and you showed me how they're in fact implemented in toxic ways. I especially recognized myself in the example of going abroad : people know then that you're foreign to their culture, so they will tend to be more tolerant (so long as you don't break the law, of course).

As a recently self-diagnosed high-masking autistic (40f), Paul's take on #3 is kind of a revelation for me. I've been sexually assaulted multiple times in my life, and I just realized I've trained myself to tamp down my feelings of discomfort and anxiety when faced with the prospect of becoming intimate with a new partner. It's such a strong impulse for me to try to accommodate others' needs, for fear of seeming selfish or unreasonable if I insist on how I'd prefer things to go. I think at some level I'm afraid of being told again, like my mom did so often when I was growing up, "The universe doesn't revolve around you!" I don't believe that my needs should always come second, but I definitely find it hard to ask for as much help or accommodations as I actually need, because it seems "unfair" to expect the other person to bend over backwards because I have far more accessibility needs than they do. At a certain level I'm always expecting to be told I'm not worth the trouble... The lesson from this video that I always have the right to ask others to be considerate of my needs comes on the heels of a related, rather mind-blowing experience. I recently started dating someone new, and last night we were getting ready to sleep together for the first time. At a certain stage of the proceedings, my partner looked me in the eyes, stopped everything, and said, "You know what? I'm not willing to go any further until I'm convinced you feel completely safe with me. [I had already told him I'm a survivor.] Can we get up and go to dinner for right now instead?" Wow! I know my bar is set too low, but I never would have expected something like that to come out of a straight man's mouth, especially a neurotypical! I'm pretty sure he's a keeper...I just hope I can figure out how to let down my mask around him, and not screw this up!

Being considerate of others is best cared out under the understanding that both individuals are being considerate of each other. We should be selfish and put our own needs first, but keep in mind that others have needs too that we should at least attempt to meet while meeting our own.

Boundaries and assertiveness are two conceptual frameworks that encompass most of how I understand the “right/best” way to approach being considerate. Here are a few points from each that have helped me: - I am responsible for my own actions only, never others’. And, others are responsible for their own activities, never each other’s or mine. (e.g. I can choose to put others’ needs ahead of my own in an instance, it just has to be my choice.) - Bonus point: be honest with myself. If I burn myself out putting others first, I won’t be able to continue. So, even if you do value others ahead of yourself, it doesn’t make sense to overextend yourself. Be honest. If you’re overexerting yourself trying to put others first, don’t let your conscience stop you from reallocating some resources to yourself. It’s better for everyone long term. (Plus, if you’re not burnt out, you have more potential for growth, which combined with generosity means improvement for everyone!) - Responsibility for my actions corresponds with ownership of my actions - Asserting my needs, e.g. by using “I feel…”, “I need…”, “I think…”, or “I want…” statements is an important part of good communication. It can influence others to treat you better, and still respects their free will.

Oooohhh...THANK you for this! I'm going to send the link to so many people! You've just articulated what I have been trying to say for years, but I haven't your skills. 🥰

1. At first it seems okay. But I often feel "Forced" to change my interests and like what others like because they are more "Normal" than my interests. And that my own interests are too embarrassing to talk about. 2. "We all get nervous when we first meet a stranger. But over time we get better social skills." I was often told this, but it never felt right. 3. If a situation was distressing to me, I was often told not to be selfish and to "Grin and Bear it" because it serves a greater purpose for my friends. An example is vacuuming the house despite the loud noise disturbing me.

My first reaction to the 3 ideas: 1. Help autistic people with social skills. Yes we should, I always ask for help (but I don't want unsolicited advice). 2. Everyone needs to do things they don't like. Yes we do, but I can already the dismissive end of the sentence coming. 3. Be considerate, and it's selfish to put your needs first. It's everyone's first job to fulfill their needs, that's how we survive. This one simply doesn't make sense.

I struggle as a parent. My son is 22, diagnosed with Aspbergers. I was a social worker who forfeited my career to keep my son alive. I feel like all of my training did him more harm than good. I did try to teach him things that would allow him to acclimate. I've continued to learn more and different things to help us both, but now i have a 22 year old, so full of anger and rage. I've never believed there's something wrong with him, he just has a different perspective. I have a very neurodivergent brain also, but we are very different. Ive always felt more invested in his health and well-being than he is and that's so frustrating. Recently I've been back on suicide watch and i feel like my adrenals are fried. He resists any offerings and we've gotten locked into a spiteful dynamic.😢 I've gotten him to watch a few of your videos, but he's only been willing to view about 10% of what I've watched. In thankful for you and have changed many of my approaches and thought processes, but his blanket of doom and spite is suffocating.

I definitely disagree with the last statement. We need to put our needs first (at least sometimes). It's important to take care of yourself and your well being before others. Just like how on an airplane when you need to put on the oxygen mask (if a plane is going down), they tell you to put on yours before helping others Yet, that statement is drilled in me

This is really good and you make such important distinctions about each of those “almost great” ideas that REALLY are toxic. And actually painful and isolating. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Thank you so much for doing all of these videos. They are most helpful. Hubby and I had been married 46 years before finding out he is on the spectrum. We have now been married almost 54 years and. It has been interesting seeing all the areas that, had we understood about autism back in the day, we could have done things differently and had a much smoother life. It is great understanding and being able to move forward. He had a bad stroke last year and this has caused a nightly change for the better in his autism. He is so much nicer and easier to be around. Thanks again. ❤. I am HSP

All three of those come from base of accommodating the the person who says it because not doing those things make the speaker uncomfortable. There was a study done (2019 in Cambridge ?) That showed autistics to be as good at social communication as 'normies' are when that communication was with other autistics (& 'normies' to normies'). When the communication was across neurotypes 'performance' dropped noticeably (in terms transfer of information back & forth). #2 you're right. So many 'normies' have no idea of the level of struggle we face. They've never experienced that degreed ificulty & frankly can't even imagine it. #3. So many of us come from the background of a traumatic childhood in which our needs are never met or even recognised so we end up believing our needs are not valid & don't matter leading down so many different byways of people pleasing. Good video. Everything well covered. (I was already well versed on the ablism of these 3 so no surprises).

Wow, that last part pretty much described my whole life and every single relationship I've ever had. For example, I have had neighbors who like to put their stereos against the shared wall. They would then play bass very loudly. I can hear it throughout my apartment. However, the manager said that since I'm the only one that is bothered by it, she wasn't going to be doing it. I've been told that I'm the only one who hears things, etc. At work, I'm always told that I have to be flexible.

So very good! Your examples are some of the passive-aggressive phrases used by psychological bullies to invalidate any opinion but their own. Another phrase that sounds good on the surface, but stinks when you drill down into how some people us it is, "You have to go along to get along."

Bingo, Bravo, Right On! I don't think the "normal" people actually even think about this kind of stuff, even for themselves. They just go along with the crowd. Regardless of liking it. It's true of so many things. Being drained and not liking large crowds, or busy places...aka an introvert...gets me all kinds of grief. "What's wrong with you?" As if I am the strange one. I think there is more to my issues with that and seriously think I'm autistic too. Even though I get told that I'm just fine. No....I am not. Talk about rude!

I have noticed I force myself to do what I don't want because "everyone has to do it once in awhile" and it is really difficult to break, my limit is when I am very sick, and now when I get sick I feel a relief..

Another idea linked to an underlying toxic attitude is 'but everyone has to camouflage sometimes'. It's a version of 'but we are all on the spectrum' 😡

As a "neurotypical" person I was instantly afraid. Because I do believe the 3 ideas. My girlfriend is autistic and I try to help with the 3 points. I thought I was toxic at the start of the video but when you explained all the three points I realised it was for the people that don't really understand autism and aren't openminded at all. I do believe that you have to be accommodating to a persons needs. But sometimes it's complete avoidance of the uncomfortable situations and you have to push your autistic friends and encourage them a little to go out of their comfort zone. Patience is a virtue tho.