Screw it. Let's go all in, nerds. Here's the first video Jordan did in the kimono. It's also the debut of the Face/Off novelization - ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-1_IcjUfGwOg.html
It's pretty much canonical that Jedi put their Padawans on missions like this to get them laid. But hey, at least Frank Herbert was up front about it with his sex Bene Gesserits galavanting about the cosmos seducing dukes.
@SAARTHAK DHAWAL This explains some of it >>> ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-_Shv6M9D5gQ.html But that said, we fully intend to bring him back this year!
padme’s view of annikin goes from “you’re a child” to “stop looking at me like that, it’s creepy and i’m uncomfortable” to “i’m suddenly cool with you stroking my bare back without consent, i will kiss you now” to “i love you” in, like, a few weeks, TOPS. that relationship is all kinds of problematic
Josh Laufenberg nah she told him he was “still that same kid from tattooine” when she met him again at 19 - he wasn’t a literal child anymore, but she still saw him as one, and soon after that she was making out with him
That's why it gets way better if you accept the headcanon that Anakin was subconsciously and accidentally altering her mind with his extreme and undertrained force powers for just long enough to make her fall in love with him ... and yada yada, blabady blob, but what once her mind got made up a certain way, it was stuck there.
Passengers would have been better as a comedy where Jennifer Lawrence immediately wakes up her boyfriend and Chris Pratt is stuck as a third wheel watching them make out just to make him jealous. He tries another girl but she picks a random guy she liked before the stasis and they end up together. He wakes up every girl on the ship one by one and they all reject him. At the climax of the movie he volunteers to risk his life to save the ship. He almost gets killed, but gives a final effort and is able to connect the thing to power the engines. He celebrates in triumph as the engines ignite and the ship leaves him behind. The people on the ship celebrate but forget about him completely. He floats alone in space looking at the ship as the credits roll. The End.
Also, rearrange the story of Passengers so that it starts with Lawrence waking up and after the reveal of the fact Pratt is the reason she is awake, we flash back to his year alone.
@@cracked I mean, I'm no writer and even I thought that as soon as I finished watching it. Both the rearrange and the darker ending seemed obvious to me.
@@QuanTrietLOL Because Chris Pratt is Hollywood's newest Hollywood hunk, and if they're gonna cast him as a manipulative sex fiend, he's gotta be a redeemable, manipulative sex fiend, damnit!
The real problem with Passengers-and I know this wasn't the theme of this episode-is that the ship had exactly as many passenger pods as passengers, and only one (1!) medical pod. The designers should have been immediately fired for this absurd oversight, and the whole project should have been corrected prior to launch. Engineers in my fiction have a code called SCR&M (pronounced scram): Safety, Compartmentalization, Redundancy, & Modularization. There should have been extra pods (redundancy), they should have been kept in separate sections of the ship (compartmentalization), and each one should have been capable of becoming an escape pod in an emergency (modularization). Plus, any passenger awakened erroneously should have automatically triggered the awakening of some kind of crew member representative who could have solved the problem, OR there should have been more androids on the ship than just the fucking bartender (safety). There's no reason this layperson should have been able to wander around alone without any assistance.
@@NickFisherman to each their own and I don't like to say bad thing's about what some people like or dislike when it comes to movie's . But Passengers is not the least bit entertaining. Seriously it was on T.V. about 7 times a week for awhile and it took me at least 3 times to make it through it . It's one of those background , take a nap movie's.
If I recalled correctly, Let Me In did pretty much the same thing in their US version. In previous version, the vampire's "father" was a pedo who took care of her in exchange for probably sex. Then the boy became her new & less creepy companion. She was pictured as a lonely innocent vampire girl who survived for hundreds years and can do pretty well. In short, they are off for a "good" start. In the US one, it's hinted that her fake father was once her friend/boyfriend. That single detail chaged everything. Now the girl is a clever and manipulating vampire that seduces young boys to do her deeds. And the boy is doomed to repeat this fate.
Yeah, it’s not the first time that end is discussed. Also, there’s the idea floating around the internet of editing the movie in reverse order. Instead of starting with Chris Pratt waking up, the movie starts with Jennifer Lawrence just after Chris Pratt wakes her up. The audience would assume both cryosleep capsules failed at the same time but Jennifer started seeing odd stuff, like the obvious attempt of Chris of enter the bridge, the robot bar tender knowing Chris’s past for some reason, etc until she discovers Chris was the one who woke her up. It’d make for a masterpiece of psychological horror instead of you know, a fun but pretty bland and predictable movie.
Sarah did her tape recording for her son ON THE HIGHWAY IN A JEEP WITH THE TOP OFF! It would have sounded like a long distance call from London to NY in the 30s
After Padme left Tattooine she had access to so many funds it was unfathomable. After Anakin helped save her entire planet doesn't it make sense that she would free his mother from slavery? Padme could've saved everyone but didn't because deep down she thought "I'm definitely going to take advantage of his mother issues in later life"
She tried. After she served out her last term as Queen of Naboo(they have an elected monarchy), she sent one of her handmaidens to Tatooine to free as many slaves as possible, with specific orders to locate Anakin's mother Shmi. However, by that point Watto had already sold her to Cliegg Lars, and I guess that the handmaiden didn't really try that hard to track her down since she was apparently never able to find her. I mean, it's not like you could just ASK WATTO, right? But apparently she just... didn't, though she managed to free some other slaves.
@@darthknightwingphoenix2081 That was in one of the books that Disney made no longer canon... Unless someone at Disney added that back in, we don't know if it happened. (In my head Canon the love story between them was a manipulation from Darth Jar Jar and she just didn't think about him or his enslaved mom after she had the Planet's politics on her plate.)
My personal headcanon for Star Wars regarding Anakin and Padme's relationship is that Anakin was unintentionally shaping her mind to love him with the Force. It would be the practical reason why the Jedi can't be in relationships. They pretty much mindrape anyone they're around for too long. We know that Force users can't fully control their powers given Anakin's piloting abilities in TPM are said to be done with the Force despite no training or conscious control. So it would make sense this expresses in other ways(such as unintentional telepathy). And it would also make sense that this problem is more pronounced the more powerful you are in the Force (like Anakin was). He was so obsessed with her that he literally Forced her to love him.
@@Nicholas.Rogala But even still (if we're operating under the assumption that is what happened) Padme is the more culpable of the two don't you think? Even if she was conditioned to love Anakin via Force radiation, she still should've had the nous, especially considering her station, that what she was enabling was wrong. I mean Jedi celibacy can safely be considered quite common knowledge. And she's someone with political power meaning she was contributing to the penultimate reason the Jedi forbade romantic relationships. Force dynasties.
Dr. Love Jordan Breeding is now my primary source for sex ed. Critics have described his advice as "not quite as harmful as Cosmo," which is high praise.
I've actually thought a bit about how I would rewrite Passangers. It has a promosing concept but it's a giant mess of a movie. My versionwould be a dark psychological thriller where Chris Pratts character turns into a villain driven mad by lonliness and guilt. In a twist it's revealed that Jennifer is not the first girl he awakened. He tried it before and when that girl found out he ended up killing her by accident in a fight. Jennifer finds the body and is now being hunted by Chris who needs to cover up this second failed atempt. They fight and Jennifer is able to come out on top and ejects him into space. She spents the rest of her days in solitude protecting the other sleeping passangers.
You are right about that because on Revenge of the Sith he seems very surprised when he finds out that she's carrying Anakin's as we now know twins. And I'm like come on Obi-Wan you're smarter than this.
@@TotallyNotRedneckYall ever so glad to hear that. Look out for that orphan, I've heard he'll kiss anyone! Try not to think of Jordon too much. That may well lead to fear. And fear, of course, leads to anger... It was a near thing for me. I had nightmares (night stallions? ) of Jordon reclining on his chair with his silk dressing gown just a little too open and holding his dad's light sabre.
Smashed that like button so hard once you pulled out the “Boys have lightsabers and girls have sarlaccs.” The slurp noises weren’t needed, but greatly appreciated
Didn't Padme see Anakin like a son, I swear that was either in the novels or behind the scenes. My head cannon is Anakin used the force to force her love him and once the connection was severed she died from shock.
The explanation the he *forced* her to love him makes more sense and makes it more awful. That romance was sooooo uncomfortable... they should have narrowed the age gap and made him less creepy.
@@rchltrrs yeah changing the age would make it a lot better but you run into the problem that she is queen and seen as an adult so you would have to make Anakin older which wouldn't be too bad. I think a lot of the problems stem from the fact that the dialogue is god awful.
You know, Jordan. I completely forgot it was the Valentine's day week, until you opened this video with that CURSED and absolutely horrid song you managed to pull out from my personal hell and play it. Gotta love it and respect it by now, because if this ain't the definition of forcing Stockholm syndrome on you, I don't know what is. Hey look, this comment relates to your content in the end. Who would've thought?
Another creepy one: Jacob and Bella from the Twilight saga. Bella basically leads poor Jacob on for years. She marries his rival and sworn enemy. The end result of all this? Jacob imprints on Bella's infant daughter!
Oh but you see it’s so romantic because it means all these years, Jacob never had any feelings for Bella ! He was just in love with one of the unfertilized eggs swimming around in her ovaries ! Awww!
Unlike most of the prequels, all tcw is add more red flags to Anakin's relationship with Padme. Also in the eyes of the law, Padme was an adult (age of majority is 14 on Naboo. They don't let teens run their planet, no, they let college students run it) when she met Anakin. Wouldn't be creepy if she didn't say Anakin was just like the little boy she met on Tatioone in ATOC instead of saying something about how she saw him in a whole new light now. But eh, the relationship is like Romeo and Juliet. The narrative doesn't try to pass it off as anything other than poorly coped with horniness.
This is why we need more love stories like Lord and Lady Scotland from Shakespeare's Scottish Play--the play that shall not be named Works better since Anakin being made an analogue to Lord Scotland works much better for Darth Vader than being an analogue to Romeo
Literally all you have to do to fix Passengers is make them actually wake up at the same time. Like, Chris Pratt being creepy was so unnecessary it makes me concerned about whether or not the screenwriter is also a creep.
The leading theory is that Anakin unknowingly used a Jedi Mind trick on Padme to make her love him. He was so powerful with the force that he was basically sending literal love at her so hard that it infected her and made her love him back. There is literally no other reason. I'm the youngest brother of 4 sisters and I know from experience how older teen girls view young boys.. they NEVER grow past seeing them as a kid. He admits to massacring women and children, and constantly makes her uncomfortable until suddenly shes just in love? Nah... dude used his space magic to essentially date rape her. It's fucked up.
Or at least show us JLaw waking up a first, then unraveling the facts to the audience around the nefarious reason for her awakening, real time, with her. Then go back and show us Pratt’s struggle for the year, THEN put JLaw in the Pratt position after his death.
The only thing good about that scene was when she had that dream where the one Terminator come in there with that 50 caliber laser machine gun and laid wasted to everybody. Including the dogs.
@@cracked I certainly refuse to believe ALL the Jedi didn't know about it, especially in the series. At best they probably had NO IDEA how to broach the subject; at worst Obi was living vicariously through Ani because he knew his own romance with the Mandalorian lady was never going to amount to anything.
*[edit: I solved it…see below]* There was a alternate ending written (but not filmed) for *Passengers* where he puts her in the medical pod and activates the hibernate function. And then he lives out his castaway life philosophically content and still does the gardening. Of course he can't use the medical pod for any of his own care… And one freaking pod? What if there's a multiple casualties event after revival or it gets damaged and needs to be used _now,_ before repairs can be made. *Hang on…idea as writing this - I've just broken the ending.* So the problem with getting back in a pod was that you needed to be _put into hibernation first_ and then placed into the pod to maintain it, and the only faculties for doing that were back on Earth (or Earth orbit?). Chris discovered that when he tried to climb back in and got briefly trapped. And while the medical pod could put you in hibernation there was only one, so one of them would have to stay awake and alone … except !!! The lack of faculties to put you in hibernation was the bottleneck. So use the medical pod to put Jennifer into hibernation and then transfer her to a regular hibernation pod (if she trust Chris with her body while she's comatose). And then hop into the now empty medical pod and activate the hibernate function … it does have a delay timer ? If not he could rig up something to push a button or play a message. A robot bartender for example.🤖🥂🍹💤
Jordan... you've made cracked must see subscriber viewing again my friend. I've probably about 6 maybe 7 shows on RU-vid I actually watch when I get the notification and this is one of them! Amazing work every time
I really like Jordan. He's intelligent but not cocky or overbearing. He's also good at treating a subject seriously without trying to balance that seriousness off by over inflating the humor of the situation. Generally, that's a hard line to straddle. I see why they let him start his series. Good job.
@@cracked Not that you should be extra flattered because of this, but I don't just throw compliments to just anyone. I feel it diminishes the value of them if you do that. For example, I had known my brother in law for over 2 decades before I gave him a compliment. He literally just stood there staring at me for a full 5 minutes before saying, "Are you serious? Do you really mean it?" and thanking me profusely when I told him that I felt that the compliment was well deserved. I do not give out undeserved compliments. From a marketing standpoint, Jordan is one of the few men that can be broadly appealing to women without looking feminine. Personally, I've always preferred men that aren't prettier than I ever was even on my best day. Don't worry, I'm not a cougar or stalker. Uggg...that kind of stuff just seems like too much work for my lazy ass. Besides, I'm 50, so looking at him in a sexual way would absolutely make me feel like a pedo. For God's sake, I have a nephew his age. But, in the interests of honesty, a well deserved compliment should always be given.
Consider yourself on a space ship on a loooong flight. You slept well and wake up at the perfect calculated time on the perfect calculated place. Than you slowly realize, that one of your colleagues, to whom you probably have spoken yesterday (out of your perspective) has had the rest of his/her life on Board right next to you and died two weeks ago. Sounds like a space legend.
Cracked actually did a video a few years back bringing up that idea and it suddenly made everything make far more sense while watching the prequels. Here's the link: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-95JD0Y5CDfw.html&ab_channel=Cracked
Jordan...really dude. Thank you. I've been a fan of cracked since inwas like a teen and seeing a bunch of nerrds into the things i like was so important to my youth development. Anyway im drunk but...thanknyou. thank you for taking the chance. I appreciate you dude, for bringing it back
I was watching some Star Wars something or other recently after having the idea that Obi Wan knows about Anakin and Padme placed into my mind by this video, and yeah he totally knows.
The thing that is almost as funny as this video, if only in a morbid way, is that by far the most functional relationship of these four with by far the least amount of issues is the one that's vaguely inspired by _Oedipus Rex_ where the two people involved only knew each for about two or so days and were in mortal danger the entire time. That the Sarah and Kyle actually cared for each other without any deception or huge power imbalance involved, him initially saving her aside, also says a lot about just how crappy the other three relationships here are. The Padme & Anakin relationship is so bad that neither of the _Clone Wars_ animations were able to save it, in part due to their utter lack of chemistry but mostly just due to how screwed up its beginnings are. To this day I have no idea why George Lucas decided to have Padme is not only be notably older than Anakin despite the amount of child rulers in history but also to let her meet and interact with him as a child in scenes that just makes their romance later even more forced and uncomfortable. Gods the prequels' bad planning is still so mind-bogglingly bad given they already knew where they wanted to go that the only movie planning that I have seen be even worse are the Disney _Star Wars_ sequels (fittingly), the DCEU, and Universal's repeated failures at forcing a "cool" "Dark Universe" around old movie monsters.
The ship in Passengers is poorly designed. No backup cryopods in case one has a malfunction. Also no method of waking up competent crew in case some kind of major incident happens. There's also apparently no method of fixing a damaged cryopod.
I haven’t been getting suggested these despite subscribing but holy shit. This one dudes been putting in WORK on this channel wtf. I’m glad they’ve at least got Karl Smallwood and a couple others helping out now xD
It freaking blows my mind how many subscribers don't realize we've been making stuff. But thanks so much for finally watching! There's a crapton of YBOC episodes out there in the world now!
I'm finally seeing that all of the Your Brain On Cracked thumbnails have everyone in big head mode. Either this is because it's called Your Brain On Cracked or because Jordan enabled Big Head Mode using the cheat code taped under the desk at Cracked HQ
Not in these! Kyle Reese was hornt up from the photograph before ever meeting her, Anakin and Padme maaaaaaaybe but Obi-Wan definitely seems to egg them on, Transporter sure except also... Stockholm? and Passengers... yeah I guess.
If they did that, I think they should leave it open ended rather than have her wake someone up, end it with the possibility of her waking someone up. Have her standing over the pod of a guy & leave you wondering if she made the same awful choice
Jordan, dood. This was a rare video that elicited audible laughing from me while watching alone (so, so alone in my comedic tastes), many times no less. That doesn't happen often. I hope you're getting paid in the finest cuts of salmon for this stuff.
Passenger is just a really elaborate version on a basement kidnapping. She literally has no alternatives for human interaction and isn’t immoral enough to wake up someone else so she has more than 1 person to talk to for the rest of her life. Like shut she chooses not no go back in hibernation but that’s after a lot of mental stress and hopeless isolation so it’s more learned helplessness and leaving the option of the med pod dangling seems even more like torture after decades of only hanging out with one person and knowing your basically emotionally killing them by re entertaining the pod.
@@cracked I wish that I had known. It would have made some moments of the Pandemic better, but que sera sera. I hope you let the team know how nice it is to have passionate people doing this particular style of content again.
@@cracked It was somewhere in the high 40s or low 50s. They were talking about fans of old Cracked being nasty for no good reason to the team making new videos. My ears perked up hearing all the nice things that they said about the new videos. It may have that episode. I also got confused because I know him as David Wong and not his real name.
@@1GrandOompa Oh yeah okay. I've heard that one! Didn't know if there was something recent haha. Yeah DOB and Swaim and others have been very kind. In fact, if you're curious, here's kinda my background ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-_Shv6M9D5gQ.html (I was also on a couple podcasts with Swaim).
Attack of the Clones should have switched Anakin and Obi-Wan's roles. Ben wants to use Padme as bait, Anakin wants to protect her. The chase scene basically plays out that way anyway. Then send Anakin to Kimino to hunt Jango Fett where unlike Obi-Wan he actually struggles to be polite. Meanwhile Obi-Wan fends off assassins from Padme on Alderan (the Chancellor knew where they were going) and tells Padme stories of his and Anakin's adventures that raise her opinion of Anakin. Obi-Wan and Padme flee the increasingly bold assassins to Tantooine where Obi-Wan fails to save Anakin's mother (but doesn't slaughter any women or children). Wracked with guilt for failing to save Anakin's mother, Obi-Wan defies the Jedi Council to try to rescue Anakin on Geonesis. Padme doesn't fall off the dropship, is present at the battle with Doku, and instead of losing his arm via idiocy, Anakin's arm is chopped off defending Padme. After the battle the three of them return to Tantooine where Anakin visits his mother's grave. Obi-Wan goes for a long walk as the two suns set, and Padme & Anakin have grief/funeral sex. How is that for a reboot?
Jordan referring to Jennifer Lawrence only by her last name was slightly confusing to me because Laurence Fishburn is in the movie. Granted, I would have also preferred Pratt getting with Fishburn instead of JLaw but still.
1:01 drinks piss, 1:20 piss magically back in glass... You think we won't notice these things Dr. Breeding? Who do you take us for, people with lives and important things to do???
Anakin and padme shouldn't have happened at all. Anikan kills dozens, including children. His promotion was getting married. Like what were they honestly thinking.
Man, I hope I get Nick Kroll’s career someday. I should lean into it harder. I think Coach Steve’s voice is a little higher than my construction worker from Brooklyn voice haha
Passengers gets a bad rap it doesn't deserve. We've spent the last year in isolation; being unable to meet in person with friends and family but still able to contact them and talk easily. Also many of us still have roommates that keep us from being completely alone. It's caused a massive jump in suicidality, and serious mental distress to most of us. Chris's character, Jim, spends a full year without a single human being to talk to; having experienced this comparatively minor isolation can we really say we would be better, honestly. Isolation like that can drive otherwise healthy people insane. And the movie never makes this out to be an acceptable choice (with one glaring exception I'll get to); he is a monster for doing this, movie makes that exceptionally clear when she finds out the truth through how it frames her response. Of course, by then she has strong feelings for him, which makes it more than just a horrible crime, but a betrayal as well. And since she has feelings for him, first time she's really loved someone in her life, it makes sense for her to be torn on whether to go back into hibernation or stay with him, and also why she would choose to stay. Actual people in this kind of situation would act similar, which makes it rather believable. That glaring exception is, of course, the reactor plot. It acts as an ends justify means since without both of them being conscious everyone would die, and the whole story suffers because of it. I don't know what I would replace it with, or how the story could be altered around it, but it's definitely the worst part of an otherwise great character analysis. I will say though, I would have rather enjoyed an alternate telling that actually handled as a horror story.
