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4 Reasons the Scapegoat Child Is Stronger Than Their Narcissistic Parent 

Jay Reid - Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
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Комментарии : 393   
@Dr.Dark78
@Dr.Dark78 5 месяцев назад
My wife is the scapegoat in her family. She's an amazing mother, wife, and small business owner. People love being around her, and her Narc Father could not stand it, and he tried everything he possibly could to smash her down, both emotionally and financially. She went no contact a few years ago. I'm sure that drives her dad absolutely insane. Oh well.
@denisedevoto5703
@denisedevoto5703 5 месяцев назад
Kudos to you as well. We really blossom when we have supportive partners.
@streaming5332
@streaming5332 5 месяцев назад
She's not a scapegoat if she's achieved all that. Scapegoats are disabled by their abusers.
@cc1k435
@cc1k435 5 месяцев назад
​​@streaming5332 Scapegoats sometimes get to 'scape. 😂 She absolutely is the scapegoat if the whole story surrounding her from her father and/or extended family is that she's somehow the cause of all their problems and unhappiness in life, so she gets nothing but crap from them. She's just become stronger than them for it in the end, and good for her, because it isn't easy even if she is doing well in life. She's just got good support in place and a head that tells her she's worth more than she's been given by some key people in her family. ❤ You don't become the target of narcissists because you have no redeeming qualities, but often because you totally do. They want to rob you of that, maybe because you are what they can't seem to be in life.
@SusanaXpeace2u
@SusanaXpeace2u 5 месяцев назад
She was lucky (relatively!) to have found a husband who gets it.
@Dr.Dark78
@Dr.Dark78 5 месяцев назад
@@streaming5332 not all
@Pukeyray
@Pukeyray 5 месяцев назад
Anyone who uses a child to inflate their own ego is not a sign of strength. Dealing with psychological warfare as a child takes some guts
@mtc-j9i
@mtc-j9i 5 месяцев назад
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
@carrotblog1746
@carrotblog1746 2 месяца назад
Very well said
@bbhsgsgsusiizizozozo
@bbhsgsgsusiizizozozo Месяц назад
Because it was unconceivable to me that my own family do not love me and are envious of me (partly because they engrained that in my mind as a blasphemous thought) the biggest shame I carry until today is the picture of me doubling efforts to please them while they literally estranged me, I mean they used to talk to me 1 time in a year or so and yet I was always there for them. The magnitude of the betrayal of the child inside me haunts me, I will never be able to forget it in this life time. Ps. I walked away 13 years ago, but precisely understood the narc nature of the story just a few months ago (I mean they are evil people).
@nickandrews2255
@nickandrews2255 7 дней назад
Deadset it’s cowardice
@shannonstoney1
@shannonstoney1 5 месяцев назад
Once as an adult, I told my mother that the cruel things she said to me were hurting my feelings. She said, "I didn't think you ever got your feelings hurt." She came perilously close to saying, "I didn't think you had feelings." She justified her abusive behavior by saying to herself, "Oh, my victim doesn't really have any feelings like I do. She's sort of an inanimate object."
@mtc-j9i
@mtc-j9i 5 месяцев назад
Mine basically admitted the same thing. That’s crazy. They teach us to hide our feelings so they can pretend we don’t have any. I wasn’t allowed to show any anger or disappointment on my face or I got in trouble. Wasn’t allowed to cry or I was given a reason to cry. Wasn’t allowed to be sad or I was entitled. Now the narrative is that I had no feelings. Insanity.
@Jesspyre
@Jesspyre 3 месяца назад
My mother's name for me was "Black Hearted Bitch", obviously illustrating the belief that I had no feelings. Projection at its finest
@john-ic5pz
@john-ic5pz 3 месяца назад
FS _everything_ is an object to them & everything is transactional. they can't deal with the world any other way because they can't handle (positive) emotions so they avoid the whole issue by objectify everything. lol sorry if that sounds like mansplanning. I'm explaining it to my inner child, not you. ❤️‍🩹 ✌️
@4seaux
@4seaux 16 дней назад
Thank you. Never understood but it’s hilarious now 😅I used to get accused of being what I had to be to survive her ass. I was told that in so easily defeated. Why do you try to defeat me all the time😂
@4seaux
@4seaux 16 дней назад
@@john-ic5pz❤
@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617
@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 5 месяцев назад
It needs to be said in my opinion that these unquestionable strengths also run the risk of attracting people as unhealthy as the narcissistic parents, at least until the scapegoat survivor learns to boost their biggest weakness - their ability to set and enforce proper boundaries. Until you learn to be strong for yourself, and not to try and compensate for someone else's weaknesses, please be careful with the kind of people that get close to you.
@rachaelshepard9153
@rachaelshepard9153 4 месяца назад
Very well said! An often overlooked topic!!!!
@drjanines3301
@drjanines3301 3 месяца назад
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 exactly - it's a fine line. I didn't know I was attracting them. Now I see that I was & can stop them from getting close to me.
@ess1163
@ess1163 2 месяца назад
I agree. I have been thru it. Attracted and kept scapegoate gaslighting abusers around since expected to be disrespected. Dismissed and treated badly. Not knowing boundaries.
@ess1163
@ess1163 2 месяца назад
Gosh you’ve said it all.
@drjanines3301
@drjanines3301 2 месяца назад
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 superbly said my friend ❣️
@rubberbiscuit99
@rubberbiscuit99 5 месяцев назад
My mother told me when I was a teenager that she "knew" I would "be okay" because I "had friends." My relationships outside the family somehow justified her neglect of me, and her focus on my older sibling. Mom's twisted perspective also explains why she expected me to caretake her and everyone else in the family. I was not nurtured to develop a self unless it corresponded to how they defined me. Narcissistic people make such damaging parents. They cannot relax and let their children be themselves. They are compelled to create false realities. My siblings were elevated over me in my family, and they still live in that false reality that my mother and father created for them. It was so lonely for me to try to exist in that family. Since I turned my back on them, I have begun to live for the first time.
@chrisg7795
@chrisg7795 5 месяцев назад
@rubberbiscuit99 I’m so glad that you’re writing this because it’s exactly what I have experienced, too. My mother actually said “Awww, well M. is a very good friend! It’s good that you can go to her when you’re depressed.” That was when I was actually comparing my friend’s kindness to her criticism and downplaying of the depression I was in and that her behaviour had created when I was a teen. I was flabbergasted 🤯. I had come home to get a hug. No. Didn’t happen, has never happened.
@rubberbiscuit99
@rubberbiscuit99 5 месяцев назад
@@chrisg7795 Right. And it will not happen. What a cold thing for her to say to you. I'm sorry you have that for a parent.
@rubberbiscuit99
@rubberbiscuit99 5 месяцев назад
@@muma6559 Same. When I was young, I assumed something was wrong with the people who saw something of value in me. I was very brainwashed.
@bevmilward4933
@bevmilward4933 5 месяцев назад
Thank you, this video has helped add another piece to the puzzle
@philippagrimoire5968
@philippagrimoire5968 5 месяцев назад
@@muma6559That was the strangest thing for me too. How total strangers would show me more compassion and understanding than my own parents. I didn’t know them and they seemed more like how my idea of a real family would operate. It’s sad but also beauitful and I’m grateful to every one of them I never met in person but whom reassured or supported me In some way that really helped when nothing else did.
@healingaffirmations55
@healingaffirmations55 5 месяцев назад
To all the narcissistic abuse scapegoat survivors out there, know that you are strong, worthy and deserving! Everything that your Narcissistic parents said to you doesn’t matter, know your strengths and be proud of yourself and love yourself! Surround yourself with safe people, whom you can trust. You are a wonderful, loving, smart and amazing person, everyone loves you!!
@electricLuLuland
@electricLuLuland 5 месяцев назад
.the innate strength of the scapegoat child terrifies the narcissistic parent.
@donpantolonez
@donpantolonez 5 месяцев назад
Today I’ve decide to cut off myself from last member of my family, so called mother. Even my therapist thinking I was been harsh so I decide to record every conversation with her for a month. After listening my therapist words are she has no empathy! It was relief that I felt because I was right, even when I’m 6 years old I was right, now I’m 40.
@seachange2512
@seachange2512 5 месяцев назад
I appreciate your creative way via the recordings of validating your truth and your own perceptions.
@donpantolonez
@donpantolonez 5 месяцев назад
@@seachange2512 what I’ve learned, you always have to keep your records to counter gaslighting. If not you will always hear that you are wrong bla bla or you are out of your mind, lunatic, etc.
@CorePathway
@CorePathway 4 месяца назад
I believe many/most therapists have yet to delve into their own family of origin issues; that’s why they don’t do a family history on the first visit. If any of the half dozen I’ve seen had it would be IMMEDIATELY FVKKING APPARENT what the core issues are. You had to PROVE to your therapist that you were abused. Isn’t that obvious based on the issues you are struggling with?!?
@tiendang7531
@tiendang7531 42 минуты назад
Yay you for finally walking away. Now onto healing & moving on
@SusanaXpeace2u
@SusanaXpeace2u 5 месяцев назад
Oh yes, I realised this a while ago after decades of being labelled and stonewalled and cold shouldered the MOMENT I tried to communicate. Unlike my Dad, I'm strong enough to stand up for what's right. Unlike my mother I'm strong enough to live in the real world even if things aren't great.
@RootBound505
@RootBound505 5 месяцев назад
Visits to family mean leaving thoughts, feelings and opinions at the door and entering Their World.
@adventureswithtara
@adventureswithtara 5 месяцев назад
Beautifully said! And completely agree. Yes, you and we have a strength they simply don't have. 💪💞🙏
@peaceinapod1
@peaceinapod1 5 месяцев назад
​@@RootBound505 this 💯💯💯💯💯💯 I couldn't agree more with this statement. Sums up absolutely everything. It's ✨their world✨ 🌍💁🏻‍♀️💞 I call it sometimes that I was 1984'd my entire life. Or that I've experienced North Korea in family packaging. Crazy what one is thrown into in this world.
@lizstuart8836
@lizstuart8836 5 месяцев назад
We have to be mentally much stronger in order to survive the cruelty but our health can suffer greatly as a result of the abuse. It's the enablers who are very weak & willing to be blind to the brutality towards one child in particular as wrong, they join in with the narcissist to save their own skin. Thank you Jay for your generosity in sharing these healing strengthening & encouraging videos its great not to feel so alone anymore💞
@cornflakesagain5647
@cornflakesagain5647 5 месяцев назад
Initially I was disturbed at the beginning when it was said the 'scapegoat child' is healthier. Later you prefaced that with 'psychologically'. I'm glad, because I've been sick my whole life due to the abuse as a scapegoat child and now I have MS. My narc mom still takes every opportunity to 'devalue and discard me' as now I'm 'weak' in her eyes, but I think she knows she's a bully. I feel sorry for her.
@montecrucis7247
@montecrucis7247 5 месяцев назад
You are right to feel sorry for her. Know this: your unique and outstanding character qualities were and are unbearable for her, that's probably why she picked you to be the scapegoat.
@jl3268
@jl3268 5 месяцев назад
Bless your heart❤ you will always be stronger no matter what and she knows it. You will always be a threat to the feeble minded and ignorant. Sending you love sister❤
@whereisyourhumanity7557
@whereisyourhumanity7557 5 месяцев назад
I think our mom made my older Sis sick on purpose, so she would become a nurse. Those were two constants in my life, Sis being sick and Sis having sacred nurse dolls, and toys, and costumes, that I wasn't supposed to touch or play with.
@spikefivefivefive
@spikefivefivefive 5 месяцев назад
She not only knows it, but she gets off on it. It makes them feel powerful in their sorry lives.
@streaming5332
@streaming5332 5 месяцев назад
My sister with MS is a dead weight on the family. She drains everyone of their money and you cannot reason with her.(lesions on the brain). She's a nightmare.
@NonYa-l9t
@NonYa-l9t 5 месяцев назад
True we would have had these good qualities without the narcissist's abuse. It's why we were "chosen"
@NonYa-l9t
@NonYa-l9t 5 месяцев назад
I feel sad right now remembering that little girl (me!) spending most of her time racking her brain as to how she could please her mother. How she could avoid being hurt and sold by her mother. Instead of spending that time finding who she was. I'm glad I can freely search now.
@courtneyjellar9548
@courtneyjellar9548 5 месяцев назад
I’m a licensed psychotherapist as well as scapegoat survivor who works with mostly scapegoat survivors in my practice. I think this is one of your very best videos yet, Jay! Thank you so much for highlighting in such a direct way of the strength of the skate goat and sometimes we can think they are weaknesses.
@KatrinAndHerWoolf
@KatrinAndHerWoolf 5 месяцев назад
Thanks a lot. I feel like crying over my harsh childhood and adolescent. This feeling is not belittling me now. After two years of therapy I am still learning how to be the best friend for myself.
@professorchaos9
@professorchaos9 4 месяца назад
We chose our lives. You are supposed to lean the lesson you are learning in this life. Nothing is wasted. Stay blessed. ❤❤❤
@KatrinAndHerWoolf
@KatrinAndHerWoolf 3 месяца назад
@@professorchaos9 Thank you. I am again on a therapy, so your wish of blessing is even more helpful.
@professorchaos9
@professorchaos9 3 месяца назад
@@KatrinAndHerWoolf The negative voices are always your parents voices, always recognize them. They will lose power over time. Behind that voice is your authentic voice, be open to hear it. It is always kind and loving.
@KatrinAndHerWoolf
@KatrinAndHerWoolf 3 месяца назад
Voices, pain and emptiness sometimes are too loud, but I am finding heartful people now. All the best to you.
@RosyFdz
@RosyFdz 5 месяцев назад
16:48 I did this, she “didn’t remember” any of it
@bradyryan5105
@bradyryan5105 5 месяцев назад
my mom & dad are both like this
@jl3268
@jl3268 5 месяцев назад
My mother has made up other history and says I have "false memories".
@whereisyourhumanity7557
@whereisyourhumanity7557 5 месяцев назад
My mom would lie to my Dad and he just accepted it. She told him I got burnt on a candle that I had lit, and he believed her, instead of the truth, until the day he died.@@jl3268
@prettypuff1
@prettypuff1 5 месяцев назад
My mom never b remembered
@youareprecious9108
@youareprecious9108 5 месяцев назад
Same! She said "I'm making it up" and "what's wrong with me" so damaging and I believed she is a "good" mother LOL it's worse than I thought
@lascosasporsunombre8991
@lascosasporsunombre8991 5 месяцев назад
I wish I didn't have to feel so abandoned everyday. A lot of nightmares and scares. I have been like these for so long.
@seachange2512
@seachange2512 5 месяцев назад
It is possible to learn to be one's own best friend as well as to lovingly and tenderly re-parent the dear young abandoned one (you) to be and feel safe and secure. Nightmares have diminished for me over time. May all the resources you could possibly wish for and want to address abandonment and scary nights, come your way. It is never too late to receive what you have always deserved and needed. All the best always.
@lascosasporsunombre8991
@lascosasporsunombre8991 5 месяцев назад
@@seachange2512 I think I truly believe the I'm begining that path. Thanks for that advice
@lascosasporsunombre8991
@lascosasporsunombre8991 5 месяцев назад
@@seachange2512 I have been doing my own manual to scape these awkward feelings. This channel, a therapist and creating my tips helped me but it is still tough. I found out that the core wound is about losing my parents, my mother died when I was 19 and my father well is no father at all, he denied and lied and all narcissistic things that scapegoated me. If you have any idea about how to reparent myself I will be thankful. I follow this channel and look for tools but in my own way I try to sooth myself and look forward to scape. I tried with many things before and I ended to the idea that I can only do it by myself. Everything gets so messy when I try to follow other kind of manuals for example, my therapist is really awesome and is specialized in recovery from narcissistic abuse, is from Spain and he gave me a path. But then I got stuck with things that I cannot do, even when I do my best there are things that I cannot solve even with the help of the therapist. But I really want to be free. I used to be "normal" before my mother died and my father scapegoated me. Used to have friends support and a safe place. All is gone. But let's get going. Thanks for your advice. And thanks to Jay Reid. I will keep with the advices
@mirabelotc16
@mirabelotc16 5 месяцев назад
I hope you can get the help and guidance you need. If you can, surround yourself with people who know the real you and appreciate you for who you truly are. Before you go to bed, just remind yourself of your self worth. Remember that you aren't the problem.
@omartrachen6794
@omartrachen6794 4 месяца назад
I was abondonned by mom for the first 12 years
@PaigeSquared
@PaigeSquared 4 месяца назад
The pain of not being allowed to live in alignment with the truth. It is a sort of existential pain, for me. I ended up adding a dual major during my bachelor's degree in philosophy because of that thirst for truth. I remember reading Plato and Aristotle and it was SO comforting to have something graspable as foundational truth. Seeing values laid out so clearly in nichomechian ethics was something that i didn't know my soul had been desperately craving. A mirror to check myself with. In my childhood home the expectations were unpredictable and i found myself the wrong or bad one in the majority of situations, regardless of involvement. I was the one separated from the rest of the family and sent to my room, seemingly according to certain "rules" that were supposedly clear but i kept somehow unknowingly and unintentionally offended. No one else seemed to be so worried or concerned about messing up, no other perfectionistic streaks in my siblings, just me. I am the only one that has chronic panic attacks and paralyzing anxiety. But they also buy into my mother's lies. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It hurts but i cannot control what they believe. I can only represent myself. Thank you for this important discussion! 🙏🏻😊
@casstay4499
@casstay4499 Месяц назад
Be prepared to say it is nothing to you- ⌛️
@asherrichards9661
@asherrichards9661 5 месяцев назад
One cannot reason with someone who is devoid of insight and or empathy, best to simply view such individuals as an appliance, certainly not a human
@antoniafiorenza
@antoniafiorenza 3 месяца назад
This is brilliant , validating and mirrors so much of my experience. My only caveat is that the scapegoat is not always calm and can find their own emotions terrifying and overwhelming , especially anger. I was afraid of losing control of going over the edge because of my feelings' intensity. I 've had many years of therapy and acupuncture to help regulate my feelings and centre myself. I am also an artist and writer so process my emotions creatively. My narcissistic mother was controlled by her violent narcissistic rages and was completely unregulated and lacking in introspection . I , her only daughter , was her target. She behaved like a victim and blamed me for all her sufferings ; l was not allowed to question her or express my feelings and grew up afraid of my own reactions. I had to control myself at terrible cost: on the inside I was an inferno. It took getting away from my mother to be able to see this objectively and begin to change the lifetime habit of blaming myself.
@nikstar1313
@nikstar1313 5 месяцев назад
Family scapegoat here too.. no contact 3.5 years, nearly 4 🎉
@dancinginthepurplereign4126
@dancinginthepurplereign4126 5 месяцев назад
I'm proud of you!
@omartrachen6794
@omartrachen6794 4 месяца назад
Did you move out from your birth country ?
@nikstar1313
@nikstar1313 4 месяца назад
@@omartrachen6794 we all did from us to Aus when I was a child and my gc bro was 1
@JoshuaAnzalone-zk5ht
@JoshuaAnzalone-zk5ht 4 месяца назад
Congrats I walked away from mine as well a few years ago.
@nikstar1313
@nikstar1313 3 месяца назад
@@omartrachen6794 I did actually. Born in USA but moved to Australia 🇦🇺 😄🙏
@gianniclaud
@gianniclaud 5 месяцев назад
I feel like I’m continually trying to figure out how to survive my family on a daily basis. This month was especially tough, idk how much longer I can take…
@leahjones9626
@leahjones9626 2 месяца назад
I’m in the very same place as you 💔
@skyunn
@skyunn 2 месяца назад
same :(( i dont know how long ill last
@honeymoonavenue97
@honeymoonavenue97 2 месяца назад
It’s so frustrating and devastating but we deserve a better life. We need to do everything we possibly can to give that to ourselves.
@streaming5332
@streaming5332 5 месяцев назад
Good analysis of the scapegoat child. Often the parents pick the child they perceive as strongest thinking they're able to bear the weight of being the target. But I can tell you even the strongest child can only bear so much. I fought tooth and nail to keep my head above water in a dysfunctional family. Does Brizo sleep all the time!
@Shayne_T
@Shayne_T 5 месяцев назад
They probably choose the strongest child to break them down.. they enjoy, as if it’s a game or something.
@honeymoonavenue97
@honeymoonavenue97 2 месяца назад
It’s evil; but they also choose the more vulnerable or youngest sibling too.
@karynegough7564
@karynegough7564 5 месяцев назад
This is absolutely brilliant. Every word of it describes my life as the scapegoat. I’s like watching an audio version of a biography of my life growing up with a violent narc father. I always wondered why I had a need for the truth to be revealed, which only grew stronger as I grew older. Thank you.
@mistressofstones
@mistressofstones 5 месяцев назад
My mother is not necessarily a narcissist, but i was definitely a scapegoat. Even her compliments were insulting "youre charismatic - like your father!", "you dont understand because youre not anxious like me and your brother!" Etc etc. She needed me to be weak and unhealthy and I did internalise that and find another person to similarly abuse me after becoming an adult. It took me decades to recover from the pain of this but im through the worst now. My little brother who was the favourite, the golden child, is a wreck because hes realising now how neglected he was. Mum is overtly not interested in his children and resists having a relationship with them, she only wants my brothers support. Hes so traumatised now 😢
@cagellin2
@cagellin2 5 месяцев назад
Damn straight.
@dark7angel456
@dark7angel456 5 месяцев назад
Always feel alone and distant and disconnected from everybody and I never get to actually feel Joy around anybody on planet Earth yet
@philippagrimoire5968
@philippagrimoire5968 5 месяцев назад
I’m sorry. I hope you are able to connect to the right people and feel that joy when you’re healed more perhaps?
@dark7angel456
@dark7angel456 5 месяцев назад
​philippagrimoire5 trying... My dad is always determined to destroy my joy and disturb me with unpredictable psychopathic behaviours.
@dark7angel456
@dark7angel456 5 месяцев назад
​@@philippagrimoire5968my dad can be very envious, enmeshing and horrifying when raged when faced with truth of their hatred. Lack of empathy and kindness and compassion. Thinks of me as an enemy alot and seek to sabotage my mind in spite for some reason...
@wacubby
@wacubby 5 месяцев назад
Fantastic video! I appreciate your approach so much, the examples and how much you truly care about assisting people! I had a few epiphanies while watching this today. Thank you so much. 😀 I loved that you mentioned The Handmaid's Tale because while watching it when it first came out....I was relating to June, her strength and her sadness so much - didn't make sense to me at the time as to why - but now I get it!!!
@debralwoods
@debralwoods 5 месяцев назад
This was very meaningful to me today - even if I recognize I have abilities, aka strengths, I tend to downplay them - but if I see them in others I highly value them. Your presentation on this topic allows me to take credit I usually don't. Thank you Jay!
@mugsybalone2286
@mugsybalone2286 5 месяцев назад
Thanks Jay. This is one of the most empowering videos of yours to date! I was getting a little despondent at my deep dive into all my so called ‘problems’ that many other sources identify, so it is nice to be reminded of one’s true inner strength and resilience. Much love to you and this community. We’ve got this!! ❤✊
@franciscoguevara9727
@franciscoguevara9727 5 месяцев назад
today all these positive traits including empathy but the one thing that is very important also is boundaries, to keep my true self safe ,and detachment, being direct, speaking my truth, disengaging , advocating for my needs in healthy ways and and choosing available people to share my true self with / connect with share my true and get my needs 4 connection met im worth it in a good way . were worth it :)! With gentleness humor love and respect were worth it . God speed ! Were worth it. with gentleneshumorlove and respect were worth ti
@Shayne_T
@Shayne_T 5 месяцев назад
Just remember, it doesn’t need to just be “your truth,” it’s the actual truth. They hate that.
@franciscoguevara9727
@franciscoguevara9727 5 месяцев назад
@@Shayne_T I think everybody has a different style of communicationg expressing what they need to do and keeping boundaries, when I say I speak my truth and disengage well I mean it in contexts when some one is trying to provoke me usually with something a projection for instance, and I do this as a way of not stuffing my feelings but expressing what I feel and disengaging . Each person may have a way of dealing with the world basically which is safe , and feels empowering and like it completes what I need to say , and has good boundaries and allows in good people for connection also. Which is key those safe enough people where I can be my true self and get my needs for connection met im worth it in good way were worth it .:) Thanks for letting me share ;)))) God speed !
@3_m_1_7
@3_m_1_7 5 месяцев назад
I see myself in almost every example, except a pro pros unrecognised strength I saw their hypocrisy which triggered my parents endlessly. This clarity ended up protecting my sanity while incurring their wrath. Somehow I chose this option as a kid over surrendering to their projections. So their projections became more subtle sowing seeds in my mind and polluting my emotional peace with sabotage and provocations. I always fought them tooth and nail over my perspective and this is what ended up revealing their hatred to me. Sucks to know you were always hated, but it would've been the worst to hate myself. We need and deserve self-compassion, patience, self-care and a calm home to live and recharge in. All the best wishes and thank you very much for these reflections!
@seachange2512
@seachange2512 5 месяцев назад
I appreciate the respect you reserved for yourself to not 'surrender' the projections.
@aquariusstar7248
@aquariusstar7248 5 месяцев назад
You are an amazing gift! This is some deep Houdini sh* we have to work through. I thought I had turned over every stone on this subject in my life, but I see the layers are still there 12 feet deep! I am buying your courses and ready to do the deeper work.
@louisegolder3276
@louisegolder3276 5 месяцев назад
I've recently been having nice dreams about my abusive mum, is this what healing can look like?? I'm 55, she passed away 5 years ago and I went no contact with her 10 years before that. I also have removed all other abuse from my life. In my dreams she is doing nice things for me. My dreams have surprised me so much. I also felt unfelt grief for her!!! Would love to know if anyone else has had these experiences?
@Shayne_T
@Shayne_T 5 месяцев назад
Very interesting.. I would love to know what this means. Maybe you are healing and this is your subconscious allowing you to experience your mother as a loving and caring mother.. you thinking this makes sense. I have nightmares about my mother and father, but not as often as they used to occur.
@louisegolder3276
@louisegolder3276 5 месяцев назад
@@Shayne_T I too have had nightmares for many years, but now this change. A sign of hope for us all I think. Moving beyond the limits of the abuse into freedom
@louisegolder3276
@louisegolder3276 5 месяцев назад
@@Shayne_T maybe its because I have been praying for healing for the last year
@gracecandelaria406
@gracecandelaria406 4 месяца назад
Me too, im the scapegoat of a narc mom, and also dreaming with her, odd dreams
@fireupyourheartfortruth
@fireupyourheartfortruth 5 месяцев назад
Great Lesson😊 Thank you! Cute Puppy napping on the chair
@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse
@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse 4 месяца назад
You’re welcome 😊
@MissOdyssey-n1w
@MissOdyssey-n1w 5 месяцев назад
Yes that exahustion of trying figuuring out how they veiw me (usually erronously and awfully) and then trying to figure out how I can work with it or push back is so daunting. Its degrading some of the things they think I am, and knowing theres not point in trying to get them to perceive me differently or if they even can! It was such a relief knowing that people were in thier own farcicle world and its safer they stay there than to realize anything true. But it sucks that some peoples fake realities are worth more than good people.
@lisaferreira8878
@lisaferreira8878 2 месяца назад
I was the scapegoat. My mom used to come in to my room at night while my dad was gone teaching in the evenings and would wake me up and lecture me.. and then shake me awake and ask me to repeat what she said. I would just cry and ask her to leave me alone because I had school the next day. She would leave as soon as she heard the door open and my dad got home. To this day I have no idea what she would talk to me about. In my early 40's my dad admitted he knew my mom was abusive but did nothing because she was difficult. Turns out, both my parents are narcissistic and I was the one who took the brunt from both...
@anna.saheli
@anna.saheli 4 месяца назад
This video is incredibly accurate! Please never take it away from RU-vid - a lot of us need it! :)
@cyndyfabian7555
@cyndyfabian7555 5 месяцев назад
Hi Jay. 72 yo Grannie from South Australia here. I think we perceive strength wrongly at times. We think of aggression and financial success as strength when actually resilience, empathy and peace making are often requiring more strength to maintain. People pleasing just to keep ourselves in the good books is a weak option but putting the correct understanding on things, that it's not always about us, not reacting inappropriately, keeping things in perspective while n
@sw1216
@sw1216 5 месяцев назад
Wow, this video was the truth --- what we all long for and as you say, secretly know at some deeper level. My therapist told me that I was the strongest and likable, ect... when i felt the opposite. Reprogramming the mind to believe these things it is not easy. Believing these truths as well as appropriating deploying boundaries are always things I am working on. Thanks for this amazing validating and supportive video.
@AyeWitness
@AyeWitness 5 месяцев назад
ℹ granted myself credit for my strength today…. ❤
@smoozerish
@smoozerish 5 месяцев назад
Well done Jay. You knocked this one out of the park. 🙏
@shannonstoney1
@shannonstoney1 5 месяцев назад
I'm reading a book right now by Karl Ove Knausgaard called My Struggle, book one. It's about his relationship with his father, who was a cruel and overbearing narcissist, although Knausgaard never uses that word. But from the beginning, it's clear that Karl Ove was scapegoated and terrorized by his father. Karl Ove is constantly on the alert about his father's moods. Recommended reading.
@meredith2803
@meredith2803 5 месяцев назад
Wow this is so spot on it’s freaky 😮. Being in this role had such a catastrophic impact on my life. I’m slowly getting better but it’s taken years to get to this position. I always appreciate your channel Jay and recommend it to others.
@savanataylor6052
@savanataylor6052 5 дней назад
You resemble my stepfather, but obviously your eyes are kinder and warmer & actually have love and life in them; it’s like exposure therapy for me prepping having to see him soon
@christinebrazis
@christinebrazis Месяц назад
Thank you for educating other therapists on these issues. There is definitely a shortage of folks who grasps these concepts without patients having to educate them.
@katiedenue9200
@katiedenue9200 5 месяцев назад
Thank You
@notyourturkey
@notyourturkey 2 месяца назад
I have always felt "Strong" but I had not been able to see it's value until I was able to see the behavior of myself as a constant circle of reacting to the old paradigms planted by my narcissistic parents. Somehow my children had the same gift and were able to protect themselves from their narcissistic father. Thank you for this informative content! It's helping me heal leaps and bounds. 🙏🙂
@suzywilson
@suzywilson 2 дня назад
I have no words as I sit here crying but to say, Thank You, Jay ❤❤❤❤.
@josiah5776
@josiah5776 25 дней назад
Thank you. This was very helpful. Both my parents were narcissists ... my father grandiose, and my mother covert. I was the scapegoat. I've researched narcissism extensively over the years as a part of my healing journey. The drive for the truth you described. However, I somehow missed hearing about these four strengths. All of them make sense to me. All of the scenarios you covered resonated with me. For years I wondered how I could have such great empathy, given how my parent's modeled none. This was not helped by many professionals tell me that narcissists raise their children to be narcissists. How did I slip through the cracks? Now I know. I hated my empathy most of my life, seeing it as a weakness others exploited. The past few years I have come to view it differently. It is what makes me human. The flexibility also resonated with me. I often felt like a sellout or spineless because I caved in to their desires. Your description of it as a survival mechanism makes sense. What else could I do against parents who held all the power. I have used that flexibility in both the military and corporate world ... pretending to go along with stubborn people who held the power to use or abuse me ... until I had sufficient power of my own to overturn it. In every case they were shocked and surprised that I defied or moved against them. Like you said, many people cannot see any other view but their own. I often felt again that I showed no backbone for not falling on my sword in front of them ... but why should I? They were the abusers, not me. Their stubbornness did not require me to sacrifice myself. I never abused them in turn, just began acting of my own accord, not theirs.
@EarInn
@EarInn Месяц назад
Thank you so much for this. It is true and important. The child who struggles to create and maintain a relationship with an abusing parent is trying to understand and cope with the situation. The adult is NOT trying to understand or cope. They are not interested in the truth, as you say. They are at the mercy of their emotions and unconscious. And yet, the child will question and deny its own emotions and perceptions in this situation. That is not aligned with the truth.
@jasmineaebeecee1578
@jasmineaebeecee1578 2 месяца назад
Jay you are spot on, this finally confirms my scapegoat role which always mystifies me. Both my mother and sister are very alike including their diseases at the age of 36 my sister got diagnosed with pre diabetes, later hypertension and many others etc. I am now 52 I have so far in disbelief that I am still healthy and I know one day I'll be physically diagnosed too, I have delayed their genes in me. I was constantly/consistently defying in my mind that I will never be like my mother (for CG Jung there are downers but). I always felt blamed or in trouble, bullied for crying a lot by my mother and her friends. Father was there but was not there. Most praise to my sister, not that she's free from all other abuse but my mother prefered her, a feeling that I later realized as I got older. I also put myself through university without them knowing, I had no one to tell and celebrate my "ups" in life, only the downs plus put downs. Realizing all these, my choice was to keep myself distant and minimal contact.
@annchenweidemann5694
@annchenweidemann5694 Месяц назад
Thank you so much for this video. I have felt guilty for decades for seeking the truth of my scapegoated childhood.
@Charlie23007
@Charlie23007 4 месяца назад
Jay, your visdeo’s are helping me get deep healing! I am delving into my past and getting amazing insights and answers! I am so unbelievably grateful to you and to God! 😊
@NosajRedner
@NosajRedner 5 месяцев назад
Thanks, Jay. All of your videos and your book have helped me immensely. Keep up the great work!
@billyb4790
@billyb4790 5 месяцев назад
I can’t relate to these examples because growing up I never did anything that was worth praising…or maybe I did but my mother never said anything. I can count on one hand the amount of compliments she ever gave me in a lifetime. It was more about neglect. But maybe worse than neglect because she was always falling apart and I had to be there for her. It was always and forever about her. I was never allowed to have a bad day. She’d get mad if I was ever in a bad mood. Always about her. I don’t understand how a guy like Lawrence could play basketball when he was trying to survive. School activities?? Forget it. How can you do anything extra curricular when you’re busy surviving? Like your life is one giant FREEZE/FAWN To me it sounds like Lawrence had it pretty good if he could function at all.
@whereisyourhumanity7557
@whereisyourhumanity7557 5 месяцев назад
You were parentified, and I'm sorry. I poured so much sympathy and healing into my mom, and propped her up and defended her. the nasty old spider.
@billyb4790
@billyb4790 5 месяцев назад
@@whereisyourhumanity7557 did you come to find later that she was just a bottomless pit and all the energy you gave was all for nothing? That's how it feels anyhow. I didnt realize that until I went no contact with my mom 13 years ago. When I did, I thought she would be devastated. After all, she was such an emotional wreck when I was growing up. As it turns out, she didn't really care. She was totally fine with it. It makes me think everything I ever did for her was for nothing. She never appreciated it, never thanked me once for being there ...and in fact thinks I should be thanking her. LOL that's a good one. Yeah, thanks for the top ramen and frozen burritos. You're the best mom ever. Anyways, thank you for your thoughtful reply. If you have any more to add I'd love to hear about your story. I'm in a particular mood lately because after 13 years my mom finally wrote me and said (drum roll) that she regretted having me. Thanks mom! That was soooo worth the wait.
@jb-je6lp
@jb-je6lp 2 месяца назад
Lawrence’s situations resonated with me so strongly that I almost started crying, thank you for such helpful and informative videos! I’m learning things about my childhood that I didn’t even realize to this day
@wasssup7573
@wasssup7573 2 месяца назад
Props to you for offering solutions and not only doing videos that trigger people (by then offering courses etc). I know therapists have to make money also but I can see the difference between therapists who actually care (like yourself) and therapists who are just doing it for the $ (those people make videos filled with triggering descriptions of what you have but don’t talk about solutions). Keep doing God’s work.
@patcummings6950
@patcummings6950 2 месяца назад
Any demonstration of talent or thinking beyond the norm was classified as "showing off" and would bring on a torrent of verbal abuse. I'm an old woman now and just understanding why I am the way I painfully am.
@catspyjamas7944
@catspyjamas7944 4 месяца назад
Interestingly, my GC apparently said to someone about me, “oh, she’ll survive no matter what life throws at her”. He realises he doesn’t have anywhere near the resilience that I do.
@cyndyfabian7555
@cyndyfabian7555 5 месяцев назад
Oops!....Not overreacting to things, I think, are a sign of strength. I wouldn't have thought that 50 years ago but now I believe it to be true. Getting offended is a sign of weakness in us. But if someone speaks offensively to us it's a sign of weakness in them. I've learned that it's far better to respond to what they are saying by asking for examples etc rather than reacting. Hope that makes sense. I was raised by a particularly narcissistic mother and compliant father. I married a carbon copy of my mother. God bless you for the work you do.
@makaylahollywood3677
@makaylahollywood3677 4 месяца назад
Another brilliant avenue for understanding antagonistic personality, and characteristics of those enduring these relationships. My goal to get back to my once very peaceful contented self, as looks sweet Rizzo comfy on the chair.😇
@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse
@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse 4 месяца назад
I look forward to it!
@user-zy8gk2nn7d
@user-zy8gk2nn7d 4 месяца назад
this is actually how the devil destroys a child....
@urbanlee1349
@urbanlee1349 5 месяцев назад
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s honestly an answer to a prayer. It’s helping me not to blame myself although I knew it wasn’t my fault but hearing it articulated makes it easier to hold onto. It's the support and the boost I really need and it really makes so much sense. Thanks you so much
@kaalmansur
@kaalmansur 5 месяцев назад
You have no idea how valuable this video is. Thank you!
@warrenbradford2597
@warrenbradford2597 5 месяцев назад
4 Reasons the Scapegoat Child Is Stronger Than Their Narcissistic Parent: 1. Flexibility 2. Emotional Maturity 3. Driven towards the Truth 4. Empathy I must remember my strengths while recovering from the scapegoat role made by my narcissistic mother.
@dotsyjmaher
@dotsyjmaher 5 месяцев назад
Amazing video...and finally truth emerges.
@sherylbeamer7189
@sherylbeamer7189 5 месяцев назад
Thank you, this came at the perfect time🙏🏼💕
@sabariel33-n1t
@sabariel33-n1t 2 месяца назад
what a beautiful video, thanks for reminding us of our strength.
@Dantesdiscoinferno
@Dantesdiscoinferno 5 месяцев назад
Really helps to build up my fractured sense of self to hear the traits like wanting to know the truth. This has been with me forever and brought me to this video. I have to know what’s real! I went no contact with my mum a few years ago. But I still have attracted some replacement. I think I’ve cracked it this time and I see how I’m perpetuating my own suffering. Need to not live by there rules! Not feel there anger. Not my job. I’ve leaned to just say no and smile instead of doing what they want. I feel better every day. I can’t wait to not have to see this person ever again. I know it will come but I don’t know how yet. I wish I had amhave thought of making it seem like there idea as mentioned in the part example. I was not that smart. I thought I just had to do what they wanted. Glad I know now!!!! It wild also to realise they took me to the edge emotionally on purpose. I see that now. Thank for a great video. So helpful.
@IsabelStrube
@IsabelStrube 5 месяцев назад
Thank you Jay, for having given me a sense of self within 26:27 minutes.
@adventureswithtara
@adventureswithtara 5 месяцев назад
I love the great examples you share in your videos, they often trigger repressed memories of my childhood, in a good way, my brain says, yes! That happened to me too. It helps me better understand myself now, and it's so very validating, thank you! 🌷🦄🙏
@RebeccaRuano
@RebeccaRuano 3 месяца назад
Yes! Thank you.😊 You have put so many words to my experience. Thank you. I know what I experienced was merely passed down like a family heirloom quilt. ❤ I’m breaking this cycle with my son. Thank you for your assistance!! An interesting thing I have misinterpreted, all this that you discuss in this video, is what I thought “victim mentality” meant when I first heard the term. 😂 It really means the opposite. In this video, you discuss in detail what we mentally go through to continue to be part of our families as a victim of scapegoating. But/so, It’s not victim mentality; it’s something that I have never heard talked about before. So thank you 💓
@LJewelry
@LJewelry Месяц назад
Thank ypu, just remembered similiar things from my childhood, that I’ve forgotten.
@wisdom_may
@wisdom_may 5 месяцев назад
I appreciate your channel so much......I truly appreciate the more detailed and example driven experiences I have been hearing... I can only say for myself...that I can see when you share these interactions,.. I can see the father speaking to the son...I can visualize that interaction.....how are they so successful of getting the scapegoats to accept their delusional version of the story and narrative they want us to believe of ourselves... you are the one teacher who speaks on how the parent uses projective identification.. I would say that was the one successful form of psychological abuse that did so much damage to my entire life including my children. because I wasn't pushing this false narrative away ,,I felt like I developed learned helplessness and just caved...it also allowed the flying monkeys of my parents to come into play because I wasn't taking the necessary steps to get a protective order and really expose their slander campaign..I had been grooomed from being broken inside and broke down with abuse to bend to their demand to carry what belonged to them.. the projective part they put on me,... but the identification part..im not even sure how much tactics they used to get me to accept their own truths and their own fears that belong to them and have nothing to do with me. any more teachings of that would be incredible to hear...and thanks so much..
@N2MyGroove
@N2MyGroove 5 месяцев назад
Breezo! ❤ What a great name. Great content. I really like the movie lay in example
@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse
@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse 5 месяцев назад
Thanks so much!
@jessicas7696
@jessicas7696 3 месяца назад
I wanna tell people my scapegoat story. It sounds so surreal. My own mother had tried ending my life multiple times. Then she will act like nothing ever happened. She puts everyone against me. When she tries to end my life. She will play the victim and everyone will hate on me. Even if i have physical evidence. Im 28 and she purposely financially stunts me. Im living with her, im a single mom. I really want to move out, move far away, and never speak to her ever again. Ever since i was a child , she always wanted everyone to hate me. She makes up lies about me. She calls me mean names. Oh but she loves all of my brothers and she makes my brothers hate me. My youngest brother is 15 and she trained him from a young age to hate on me. She would tell him how everything was my fault. He has autism. We live in the same house and he doesn't talk to me. He's also a golden child i think. I cant talk to him or tell him anything caz she will storm outside and start a fight with me. She has also tried to train my own son to hate on me. My son has severe autism. But my son instead loves me more and he has started to not like her. He sees everything she does to me. She broke my own door because i had finally bought a lock. Im 28 and im the only one who isnt allowwd to have a lock. All my brothers could have a lock. They are all adults too. But when i got a lock she broke down my door and tried to end me. She was beating on me for 1 hour straight after she broke down my door. I was yelling because shw was saying how she hated me and how she wants me gone! Everytime i tried to leave the house she would drag me back in while pulling my hair so hard that alot of it came off. I was 28 when all of this happened. Idk if im 27 or 28 yo. I was born in 1996. Nd my birthday was on February. Im scaree for my life living here. I was a homeless for 1month after that. Then everyone told me to move back in. Im only here temporarily since she has messed me up financially ever since i was 17yo. Crazy !
@tammyheiskill1231
@tammyheiskill1231 3 месяца назад
Very helpful and insightful video as usual. Thank you for sharing all of your knowledge.
@MrsD3Aer
@MrsD3Aer 5 месяцев назад
I had to go against to my sister who I grew up with…after a mother (she died few years ago) was dark triad… now found out my sister is (possible more) dark triad. I went no contact after she gave me the silence treat..while she had to divide the will. ….she put her 13 year old son against me in that time, to put me in a bad daylight he’s now 18). And sees me as a bad person that did very bad things (all lies by the way).
@MrsD3Aer
@MrsD3Aer 5 месяцев назад
It’s hard to get back to your strenght
@shannonstoney1
@shannonstoney1 5 месяцев назад
I have a question about what to do when another person in your group or family is being scapegoated. I have noticed this pattern not only in families, but in social groups. When I was in grad school, there was always one student who was scapegoated. During my first year, it was my room-mate. When I asked why people were so mean to her, the administrators said that she deserved it somehow, but she was no more weird or obnoxious than the other people. During my second year, she wasn't there any more, and a new person came into our class mid-year. He was immediately scapegoated. Everybody seemed to believe that there was something deeply wrong with him, but I couldn't figure out what it was. In my family, my younger brother was scapegoated to the point that he fell apart completely: he became emotionally disabled, was never able to work, and had to be supported by my parents his whole life. He wrecked his apartment twice, and after the second time, I got a conservator for him. He never communicates with the family any more, which is probably better for him and my dad. But since he is gone, now my sister has begun bullying me intensely. Every time the family is together, she attacks me verbally. My mother did this too for decades, but I was resilient (strong) enough to get away and survive. Now it seems that my sister is determined to make me a scapegoat, again. It's as if she believes that there must be one, and she doesn't want it to be her. I have to skip my dad's birthday party in order to avoid her. I don't feel particularly bad about this, though, because he enabled her and my mother to be his surrogate bullies.
@bbhsgsgsusiizizozozo
@bbhsgsgsusiizizozozo Месяц назад
Because it was unconceivable to me that my own family do not love me and are envious of me (partly because they engrained that in my mind as a blasphemous thought) the biggest shame I carry until today is the picture of me doubling efforts to please them while they literally estranged me, I mean they used to talk to me 1 time in a year or so and yet I was always there for them. The magnitude of the betrayal of the child inside me haunts me, I will never be able to forget it in this life time. Ps. I walked away 13 years ago, but precisely understood the narc nature of the story just a few months ago (I mean they are evil people).
@seachange2512
@seachange2512 5 месяцев назад
Thank you Jay for the clear distinction between projected power and the strength it takes to survive that from childhood on. That clarity was liberating to begin to internalize.
@Andrea-lp4bb
@Andrea-lp4bb 5 месяцев назад
Thinking of the 3 pillars of recovery…. Gaining distance from the Narcissistic abuser. I’ve been NC with my family for many years. Unfortunately broke it just over 2 years ago when my abusive ex husband walked out. My Narc mother had a rage at me for going NC, then took my then 16 year old daughter and myself back into the family while strategically keeping me away from my GC sister & other family members. She then kicked me out, kept my daughter in there, and replaced me in the family with my abusive ex husband. It’s disgustingly sick. I want to stay out of it and get on with my life but my daughter is in my family now. She’s very unwell with BPD and has recently cut me off again although hasn’t done it for ages. She’s almost 19. She’s had her own issues with them. What do I do to move on from the chaos and drama when my only daughter is in the middle of it. And now turned on me as well. This is all just too much.
@lornadonohoe7806
@lornadonohoe7806 Месяц назад
Spot on analysis.
@polespinosa4858
@polespinosa4858 Месяц назад
I'm stronger but not healthier. Neglect, malnutrition and medical malpractice have destroyed me.
@bellaluce7088
@bellaluce7088 5 месяцев назад
Jay, I continue to be so grateful for your wonderful insights and willingness to share them! ⭐ *THANK YOU!!!* ⭐ "Being more powerful does not mean being stronger." Truth! 😀The example about "Lawrence's" father *intentionally* goading him until he broke down gave me a very helpful new perspective on my mother's behavior. Many thanks for all you do!!!
@MickeyDs-mp7yr
@MickeyDs-mp7yr 5 месяцев назад
I just agree with this. Constantly monitoring them is exhausting, buy does help you connect with people and read them.
@ajcraft-hello
@ajcraft-hello 3 месяца назад
Thanks. 3 pillars of recovery 3:11 plus support groups & your free ebook🙌👏🔥🗡
@CB-yb5uu
@CB-yb5uu 5 месяцев назад
Thank you it was just what I needed to hear 🙏
@craftycalley
@craftycalley 4 месяца назад
You were recommended from someone who responded on another channel. Glad I’ve found you.
@-jamie-9896
@-jamie-9896 16 дней назад
This is incredible information. Thank you for the video.
@Charmainecharmainecharmaine
@Charmainecharmainecharmaine 5 месяцев назад
Thank you! Very helpful, healing and insightful!
@vanessabranch8010
@vanessabranch8010 5 месяцев назад
Thank you! This is powerful and awesome!
@EileenPfaff
@EileenPfaff 5 месяцев назад
Thank you, Jay. My Mom made terrible choices and I made very good ones.
@mediacreations5996
@mediacreations5996 5 месяцев назад
This topic on psychological strength is so well defined and awesomely played out with all analogies and the cinematic video insert shot perfectly describes a scapegoat child’s display of strength. Thanks Jay🙏, loved this video🎞📽Happy ✨🌟weekend to you and Brizo 🐾🐾🌈✨
@Cute_Maxi
@Cute_Maxi 5 месяцев назад
this is a fantastic video
@sarahlongstaff5101
@sarahlongstaff5101 27 дней назад
It’s so hard to hear how healing happens in relationships.
@sylvie5894
@sylvie5894 Месяц назад
Are you accepting new clients who have Medicare insurance? What a miracle this would be, as no therapist under my insurance so far have a clue! Good work, been listening to you for a few years, thank you.
@bookkeepingsmes2089
@bookkeepingsmes2089 2 месяца назад
This was so informative thank you so so much!!❤
@BenjyaminSaturnHaunebu777_3
@BenjyaminSaturnHaunebu777_3 Месяц назад
Thank you for this Video.
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