All or Nothing thinking must go! Being in a relationship doesn't have to feel like falling into a deep dark hole in the earth. With boundaries it can feel like wading into the sea with ease, safety and joy. Thank you, Pauliene.
This was very helpful. Thank you. When I started to do the boundary work, I couldn't name a single general boundary that I should have by default, It was all-or-nothing thinking. I had harsh boundaries to push someone away, or almost no boundaries at all if I wanted someone in my life. The belief that my needs can be more important than someone's expectations was non-existen,t and it made me isolate from people. Even the smallest progress in that department made a huge difference.
Whenever I feel like I need a few days away from my partner, it makes me think maybe I'm not interested in them anymore.. because wouldn't I want to see him often if I really liked him? I've realised that being with him (or with anyone) requires a level of masking from me, I can't 100% be myself, so it gets soooo tiring, and I need a few days to recharge. I wish I knew how to be myself around people :( I think there is a overlap between Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style and neurodivergence (ADHD/Autism) and CPTSD.
There is definitely an overlap in CPTSD and FA, which makes it soo logical that it is tiring to be around people. You may have quite some negative associations around connection and being yourself around others. You've probably learned to perform instead of connect, because you're used to being judged, criticised and rejected. The more you heal, the more easy it becomes to be yourself. And you'll realise how incredibly wonderful you are :)
It’s been an amazing journey for me after leaving my parents place some 10 years ago. I’ve lived on my own since and slowly worked on myself over the past years. So much of that work has been learning about my needs, boundaries and learning how to give to myself, how to parent myself, how to actually love myself. Because it’s become clear I didn’t understand how any of that worked before. It’s so weird to step back into connection with my parents now and notice how there were no boundaries in my household around anything and I never saw any of it.
Hey there and thank you so much! Currently I’m in a long distance relationship with my gf who turned out to be FA.. In the beginning I was so confused and frustrated with her behaviour because I didn’t know about attachment styles at all. I am mostly secure attached with slight AP tendencies. My AP got triggered when she deactivated for the first few times because I didn’t understand what was happening and I felt I was going to lose her, which obviously made things just worse. Now after finding out about attachment styles i really learn so much on FA behaviour to be more considerate and supportive and it helps me to also keep my AP tendencies in check. I feel much more regulated even when she pulls away out of the blue, just letting her know that she should take her time and recharge and self regulate and that I’m here when she feels ready again. And you are by far the most lovely person to watch on this topic because you are not sugarcoating things but still present them in a manner that we, the partners of FAs, really want to be the best support we can be within our own boundaries. Thank you so much!
Yes, being able to detach from an FA as needed is a trick that takes some time getting used to, but once you have it, it's like riding a bicycle and makes you more secure. The main point you made which partners of FAs need to understand is it's not you, it's them. I often wonder if as a secure partner, putting it up front might be a good strategy - "Hey, we all need boundaries, and because I care about you deeply I want you to feel free to express yours to me. Is that something you're comfortable with?" But on the other side, many FAs don't recognize the need for boundaries in the first place, yet they put them up when they feel disregulated! So what's the better course - not sure.
These have all been soooo important for my healing journey! I’m still working on them, but they have been critically helpful. Being around safe people who accept boundaries has been key as well, to see the stark contrast of those from my past. Thank you, Paulien! You were the first who helped me realize I wasn’t responsible for other people’s reactions. Seems obvious now that I’m more healed but it blew my mind at the time 😂
Say it louder for the people in the back! One thing I’ve noticed as an FA is that people who are healthy are generally not drawn to me. I think it’s because we exude openness and safety, mostly because we have no boundaries 😂 The problem is, we end up with a lot of APs who cling and drain us, and DAs who act as if they don’t care if we live. If all of your friendships and relationships are with unstable people, you bet you’re going to be trapped in a fearful avoidant attachment style!
That makes total sense if 1. you never learned how to put up boundaries when you were younger. 2. When you have negative associations around boundaries. The first few times I put up boundaries I was so incredibly scared it felt like my body shut down in a way. Now it just comes naturally, without me even realising I'm putting up boundaries. It becomes easier, I promise!
I do feel that I am doing something wrong whenever I put up boundaries and this feeling stays in my mind all the time. Thank you for your guidance, I'll notice how my body responds next time whenever I show up for myself
40 years old, mostly no idea, and no good at all. My life is a mess, having nobody healthy around. World is falling all around, everything is in order, it seems.
Idk who is behind this account but just wanted to request you to hold on a little longer. Whatever has happened to you, im pretty sure it has been tough. But from a human who can find hope to survive again, i just want you to know that you will emerge 10X stronger. Pls keep holding on to life!!❤
Pauline, I am very happy to find your videos, absolutely helps me a lot, every video it fits with what I am going through, like you were myself. I have a question please. After decades of not knowing what is happening ,now l tried to regulate my emotions for years l practice meditation!and I feel fine until I am around someone who express strong emotions and and instantly my body is going into crushing mode, I can’t function anymore just sleep for hours to return to balance. I don’t know what is happening, l am doing somatic exercises, meditation and still my body can’t handle any slightly stressing situation? Thank you
Look into CPTSD, this sound like an emotional flashback. Try the book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, the first couple of chapters will make it clear if its for you or not, but I have the same response to strong negative emotions coming from others, and it's related to CPTSD in my case.
@@anzelaiv Thank you for your support, I read the book you recommended and also many others like “ Healing the Shame “ , hundreds of books also about neuroscience related topics, meditation techniques helped to identify the triggers which helped more than any book . I guess staying consistent aware of the inner subconscious triggers when surfacing into consciousness awareness is the key knowing that subconscious mind is much faster and stronger than conscious awareness and the unconscious response is to change the situation in the fastest possible outcome without the rational response because that is what the conscious mind does but many times it so quick that overwrites the rational mind.
Like @ghosta443 said, it really is how many, many FAs think :) There is always a way for you to get better. And you are worthy of the freedom, ease and peacefulness that brings.
Nobody has a right to your time or energy... isnt part of healing from FA having to do with how to best integrate with a partner? Of course nobody has a "right" to your time & energy, but is that the point? Isn't the point that there is a balance between two people's time & energy?
Absolutely, but there can only be a balance when you know somebody else doesn't have a right to your time and energy. It is your choice to spend that time and energy with them. There is a huge difference in that. You wouldn't want your partner to spend time with you because they feel they have to or because they feel forced, you want them to want it. For that to happen, they first have to know they have a choice. When they truly know that their time and energy is theirs, it feels safe for them to integrate their time and energy with a partner. There can only be a balance when there's safety first.
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 thank you for this explanation. I'm now maybe restarting a relationship with an ex who I think is somewhat fa / disorganized. I don't want to push or pressure her. So it's good to hear things from your side. I think the issue from the partner side is that these boundaries can sometimes be defended with hyper vigilance. Or the fa may see these things as implicit. Or they may be more sensitive vs a secure. Anyways it's good to hear your perspective and thank you for sharing your experiences.
