60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 25/33 - Don't Know Who They Are 

The irony is that now we spend our free time as adults trying to fix our broken parts instead of living free and healthy. People have no clue how exhausting life is after you managed to survive a horrible childhood.

I can't shake the feeling that this man (and his talks) is not only helping me and others understand, but in a way saving parts of us and also lives.

it’s frustrating when you can’t pinpoint who you are, because survival mode blocked the normal growth and development process

Over the last few years, I've learned about complex trauma, it's impacts, and the effects on the nervous system. Most of my adult life was spent in ignorance. I would have said that my "childhood wasn't ideal, but I overcame it". In truth, I had myriads of coping mechanisms, terrible boundaries, and unhealthy perspectives, but I thought I was "fine". Mental health was rarely discussed and I was raised by the generation that mocks safe spaces and "snowflakes". I acknowledged I was a chameleon. I was whomever everyone else needed. A few years ago, I came to the realization that I was a "people-pleasing puppet with no sense of self" (at that time, my inner critic was pretty ruthless). The epiphany shattered my "reality". I saw through the ego masks and understood most of my goals and ideals were adopted and not really mine. I understood the person I had tried to be wasn't me, but rather who I should be. I realized I didn't know myself at all. Early on the recovery journey, I discovered a list of symptoms of unresolved trauma. Every personality "flaw" I had was listed. Manipulative, poor boundaries, addiction, people pleasing, imposter syndrome..... While I didn't know the "real" me, I could see that what I tried not to show was dark. My inner critic had a field day with this new self discovery. I still struggle with acknowledging that I carry "trauma". The word is so heavy and loaded. It feels like a betrayal of my parents. They definitely struggled with addiction and codependency, but I know they loved me. I know they did the best they could. It's easy for me to forgive them. I'm a parent too. It's not so easy for me to forgive myself. Gabor Maté's work has helped me learn some self compassion. I'm grateful I found this channel. Although I've spent months and years validating my experiences and perspectives, the content is still affirmation that I need. I'm trying to rebuild my life. I feel like a terrified 7 year old. I'm almost 50. Most of this journey has been on my own. I've tried therapy a couple of times. I know I need someone who's trauma informed. Regular therapists just don't get it. I am blessed in that I have a couple of good and loving friends that I feel safe with. That's scary too. I want to put on armor, keep myself safe. Vulnerability, even with myself, isn't easy. I want to put down the grief. I want to put down the fear. I want to close this chapter and start a new journey. It's overwhelming. I remember being able to laugh and play. I want to find that version of myself again. If you're walking this path, please know that you're not alone. Prayers that your journey is gentle. Prayers that you find the love that you need. Prayers for your blessings and joy. You deserve it. Much love, Dear Soul.

People don't get by how much childhood abuse (physical and mental) can deregulate an adults mind.

"You can't plan if you're in chaos" absolutely!

I as an adult am so sick of people pleasing and putting myself in situtations were i end up so hurt. I do not trust myself or others. I want to feel like others do.

This made me tearful because I'd passed 70yo before I learnt who I am. This came when I became alone. My sisters were no longer in my life, my children had gone off into their lives, which I was not let into. My parents and husband had died. You described memories I'd not thought of for a long time. I developed unhealthy coping strategies and all else you spoke of. I became terrified. I learnt to accept my dark side, found my true positive skills and find I'm a nice person who is a little lazy.

"youre in fight/flight you're not in curiosity mode" just spoke perfectly to what i've been feeling through this intense grieving I've been doing off/on over the past couple years. I am always envious of people who live their lives for them and do interesting things/have interesting hobbies that they give time to. Every day I'm just restlessly flitting about, trying to distract myself with business, never taking time to do things I really enjoy.

videos like like this really drive home the fact that i was cheated out of my childhood by narcissistic father and its make me mad

Personality tests: -if I don't know who I am, I can't tell you who I am. -and varies with which part is in charge when I answer.

“I can’t be who I am.” Sums it up well.

Thank You Tim Fletcher, Dr Vaknin, Crappy childhood Fairy, Patrick Teahen, Heidi Preibe, Nicole Lepera etc for helping me to heal.

While watching i need to pause many times because i kept feeling want to flee. This stuff hit home right when i need it, thanks Tim

What he says at the beginning about being a chameleon was always a survival mechanism for me. Still is. He is bang on about survival mode.

Half the time its not so much we dont have passions, its that we often need money to pursue things

I have been in therapy for 5 years and the phrase "I don't know who I am" came into realization.....5 years later and the WORK is NOW set to begin......

My dad was an alcoholic. He told us . My mom, sister and I how he was going to kill us and then put our bodies. Once he included killing himself afterwards. Mom would up shooting him, self defense. I was born into the confusion. I struggle to understand how I even matter. As a child I was conditioned thinking of dying. It definitely made my living more difficult. I am 56 now. I still feel like I am in survival mode.

I used to think I had a few personalities because I was used to being one person around my narcissistic, controlling, cruel dad and being a different person around other people! This makes so much sense to me...story of my life!

Everytime i listen to you i understand what happened to me, i had a neglected childhood and i feel guilty because i didn"t know how i am and why am i so behind all my friends. It really, really helps me to understand, thanks :)

One the Meyers Briggs, I turned out INTJ. I think it explains a lot, why I’ve never had much success with making and keeping close friends. Very few people “get” me.

My issue with personality test is they seem to focus on extremes. I feel most folks are a little of both sides and this can depend on what life demands of them at the time. I'm sometimes extroverted, then other times introverted. I'd never call myself exclusively one or the other, and I find that most folks feel the same.

To survive, I did whatever I was forced to do, and I was never allowed the chance to figure out who I am. I feel more like a chameleon. I have felt fake my entire life. It took my abusers’ deaths to allow me to have the freedom to find out who I am. Being alone helped me go through this process. It has been extremely painful, because I lost my past life being authentically ME. My abusers stole everything from me including my life and my identity. People who do not go through this do not understand how painful this is to endure.

I feel very bad, I am 25 , live with mum and we argue non stop , I feel soo down and lost, dont work , dont drive etc....Will everything be ok ? 😢. I wish this to everyone, love, peace, happiness, TRUTH. ❤🙏💙

I had a therapist suggest that I A) make a list of my strengths that I can use to manage life. B) write myself encouraging letters. Both helped me learn more about who I am. I felt and feel cared for by myself. Its allowed me to start some new friendships after isolating for years. I am still cautious, but at least the time I spend by myself I enjoy and take incredible care of myself. Positive/encouraging self talk has improved my life exponentially.

How is it Even possible That this Channel only has 20.000 sibscribers??? Your words are pure Gold! There is no Other Person on this Platform with this Knowledge and understanding! Keep the awesome work up!

Figuring out who I am & what I'm good at has been the biggest hurdle for me as an adult. I have a fear of trying out new things, & sometimes (when I withdraw), I feel I'm just supposed to "sit still & do nothing, try nothing, feel nothing, be nothing"...I know these "goals" keep me experiencing life & finding out what I like & who I am.

It has been over 30 years, but I still remember how difficult the Myers Briggs test was because of the complex facets I had acquired over my "true" self over the years. Tim's revelation here about that test regarding what is a mask and what is "real" is so validating.

Ive spent my life trying to please people and feeling like I wasnt a real person. Im starting to become more genuine now after another dumpster fire relationship

When some of us are “smothered” ie controlled to the point u are not allowed to be yourself, especially when isolated and psychologically punished, demeaned, criticized, ostracized, and like a prisoner there is nothing to observe, you become someone else in order to survive and be allowed to live in their presence and if other traumas happen on top of that, like in my case by highschool i was this fearful lost person with phobias and anxiety. But now 40 yrs later and I observe adults and children say on Instagram beings themselves, playing, dancing (i know there can be hidden things) but its so cool too the LIFE, the creativity joy and fun people share. Im amazed! I appreciate all of them! It reminds me that maybe deep down my true self is still here somewhere.

What an incredible man. Ive been listening to his whole series during work every day since i got clean from opiods 19 days ago. This individual has been simply life changing for my thinking. I hope everyone else here receives as impactful of a change from him as I have.

Wow. Just wow. I'm currently having an anxiety attack trying to fight my way through it by listening to something while I clean and just stumbled upon this. I'm 35 and I have no idea who I really am. Been looking for myself for 6 years now (since I got sober), and even after all that time I feel like I can still just feel the outer edges of myself, I guess in the same way as a 6 year old would. Inspiring stuff, also, really appreciate the sensitivity to not everyone being comfortable with the Christian part, thank you for signposting that shift, as i have an adverse relationship to religion. Again, thank you

After 54 years of suffering and chaos and never understanding myself I finally found this. I thought I was going crazy. This man and my therapist are helping me get on my true authentic path. #healer. THANK YOU!!! 🥰 #KindnessMatters #LoveYourSelfUnconditionally #LearnLove #empath #hsp

I identify with this 100%

He is so spot on. Describes how I feel perfectly, so much pain that I couldn’t face, hiding in survival mode all my life and in my 50’s actually have no identity.

My whole life [83years] has been rough. Mother used me as a shield on guns battle with the coppers,threw me from a moving car ect: I was never named so the county named me after the county. Had the WHO AM I?. AM STILL struggling all these years later. Trauma is real..

I bet a good portion of introverts are that way due to trauma, esp if there is at least 1 or 2 people with whom spending time has an energizing effect. My ex-GF was like this. Narcissistic mother - made her very introverted - but when we were together, we could spend 24 hours together and not need to be alone to recharge our batteries.

This personality test has the same flaw as all of them: the questions are static. You are either or. No variation or in between. All our nothing. Black and white thinking is disordered thinking and I would argue that doing tests like this perpetuates that. Though he does acknowledge at some steps exactly what he is driving at which can help the listener understand what side they are on based on the answers.

Our devices truly do listen in on us. This video was brought by the algorithm a day after I had a particularly shit breakdown after work

I love love love that you announced the religious part coming so people who aren’t religious could feel accepted, thank you for that ❤

I’ve always complained that I don’t have a core, I don’t! And now I know why, What a waste of life.

Thank you, this answers my questions. I’ve been having these thoughts in my mind in the past several days. Children living with abusive parents literally losing their childhood. Not only their happiness and childlike quality. But they are also missing processes and growth that can and should have happened during those years. It is as if those childhood years are stolen, taken away, destroyed. The sooner someone can start seeing and understand this, the better. Thank you ! You work greatly appreciated.

The problem with telling a cptsd person to be patient in figuring out who they are is this. The world demands of them that they know or decide...yesterday. It fails to address that their livilihood and health are affected daily by the misalignment of adaptation versus their true self they only vaguely are aware of. They have to constantly compromise by making relationships with people who may not be good for them out of necessity, since they need to socialize on some basic level. They need to work some kind of job no matter how degrading or detracting it is to them, because bills need to be paid or everything will be worse. Failing to appreciate the treadmill/gun to everyones head that day to day life demands to perform is often worse than the initial trauma. This is because they aren't allowed the peace or downtime to process anything and are expected to contribute and perform moment to present moment. "Normal"/ authentic peers can't stop or wait for the cptsd person either, as they're under the same pressures. Its the rat race. Its why those who are spared succeed and those afflicted slowly fall behind.

Personality tests are always a challenge for me.. so undecided ( is this what I want or what I do) I am an overthinkier!!

Oh my god. For my entire life (75yrs) I have pretended. I knew I was doing it. I've been very worried in case this made me a sociopath, or BPD. I have never felt real or visible. This man 100% has his finger on the pulse.

i have CPTSD. I have gone through a lot. but i am still authentic and yes i can be adaptive like a cameleon, and wear masks around people sometimes, but at the end i know deep inside who i am. I usually wear mask around people who are a risk to my safety. Like people with narcissistic personality disorder. I am learning how to voice myself and stand up for myself. And that even though i went trough a lot it made me only stronger. I am a beautiful soul inside and mother Ayahuasca helped me heal and resolve my own emotions.

This is so healing. Just to have someone so articulately speak my experience is such a gift. ❤

I’m almost 59 and married an abusive husband and separated 12 yrs finally my son now soon 22! We both are healing still for my husband and me from growing up and husband

I was often accused of “running with the hare and chasing with the hound” because I used to agree with everyone because I felt if I had my own opinions and ideas I’d be laughed at, ridiculed, or criticised. So it was easier just to keep everyone happy and remain unchallenged. 🙏🙏🙏

Thank you for stopping and allowing people to leave the christian part. You are such good teacher!!

This resonates so much with me: I've been working on my mind for past half a year or so. One of the things that bothered me was a recent impression: that people see me as a greater person (more succesful, more outgoing, so on) than I truly am. The epiphany that struck me: it is not the people who see me as bigger, it is myself, who belittles me, downlplays my achievements. I ask a specialist, and she said similar thing, which is pointed out in the video: my personality might not be my own, as I have suppresed myself for the past 30+ years of my life. It is confusing, as I have absolutely no idea how to figure out which parts of me are real me, and which are not. At the same time: it is kind of exciting.

From 4th grade all through school, I expended a large amount of energy in an attempt to fit in with the popular crowd. When I began to date, I came to the realizations that after my relationships ended, I lost my true sense of self in a desperate attempt to become who my girlfriends (and later my wife) wanted me to be. I allowed the criticism to cause my own sense of self to erode, thus abandoning my true self. This really struck home for me. Thank you very much for your video. It really allowed me to revisit what I already was aware of. I gave my true personality and passions up to mold myself to become who I thought that my partner would want to stay with in fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I realize that these sacrifices caused me to lose my authentic essence just to keep someone in my life. I now realize what I have done, and I am currently on a journey to obtain enlightenment and self realization. This was a very powerful video, and I am extending lots of love, light, and blessings unto you, dear soul. ❤️🔆🙏

I think when we are still living in the environment that cause complex trauma, we usually aren’t aware of the trauma and might even consider “ourselves” happy. Only after the trauma stops, we get out, move out from home etc. We might find ourselves from situations that are not traumatizing and that’s when we start realizing something isn’t “right” and we slowly discover we were traumatized.

Yes, I don’t know who I am. From my favorite color to etc…Zero safety as a young child. I do have BPD. It’s sad that the innocent get abused. I’m 57 now. I’ve been healing.

This is so amazing, and I appreciate it so much. I’m 24 and only in the past two years have I stopped just completely dissociating constantly, and one of the biggest things is trying to see who I am, because my narcissistic stepmother has brought me down since the moment she moved into our house when I was 12. I really appreciate that this mentions how healthy people still are figuring out who they are in their twenties even though they have a pretty good idea, because I tell my husband often how “I don’t know who I am. I’m 24 years old and don’t know what I truly feel or value because I acted how I thought I should.” But the reminder that it will take time is so helpful, and remembering that no matter what age you are, you’re healing and coming to turns with how you’ve been betrayed by someone, and you’re going to need time. This talk has been so comforting and helped me to start thinking more about who I am and remembering that it will take time, and I can be curious now, because I do fear being judged or disliked. But growth means that you understand not everyone will be your biggest fan, and that doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. ❤️

This is correct. And yet -- not knowing who we *really* are is the beginning of the human condition, and the search for our True Self. So, paradoxically, complex trauma may give us a head start on that journey. By realizing that we do not know who we are, we are ahead of those who firmly identify with their successfully adopted life roles. This not knowing and the pain it creates propel us to search for our True Self, which turns out to be the Divine within.

God bless you. Your writing is eloquent and beautiful. I totally relate. I am 65. Still healing but living my best life. We are warriors. We are lovers. We can shine a light and help others. All the best to you. Keep on trucking❤❤❤

He’s my therapist in my head

The shrink asked me what were my goals and plans. I said I don't have any. I'm just living one day at a time. She concluded that I had depression. No, I don't. I just don't know who I am and what I want because I was never allowed to have any wants. The part of me that had wants died a long time ago. Doctors can be real tiresome. If you don't give them the right answer, they will diagnose you with every other disorder in the book.

I've always worn masks I've always played roles and so it makes sense why i was easy accepting the reality of becoming a mom at a super young age bc at least "IT would define something" in me 😔 not realizing defining and exploring yourself should definitely happen before you bring more life into this world. I only survived i never explored and when my kids were born , 1 of them having special needs I totally disconnected from myself. It's just now I'm realizing how under developed I am as a 34 yr old with an 18yr old son and 12yr old daughter. My life since teen years has only been about THEM.

Amen. I want my 4 children to be who they really want to be. I will support them no matter what

Abandoned at birth, my whole life was a search for " who i am' . Im 60 and still at it...an astounding and exhilarating journey

I've actually been dealing with this problem for a while now. I've had to adopt and put on different masks and roles to please different people. It turns out, I like the mask. It keeps me safe, and free from harm.

I REALLY appreciate you and you sharing all these wonderful insights with us. I'm learning so much and feeling so understood and validated - AND accountable! ;) love and blessings xx

This guy gets me like no one ever has before. Wow.

I love his easy to understand explanations of complex mental and emotional issues. I listen to several psychologists and doctors Podcasts and videos and find him most relatable and understandable. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight.❤

Tim, you are the father I never had, thank you.

Your talks are the most healing and wonderful things I've ever heard. Thank you from the very essence of my being for sharing this! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

He has an outstanding understanding.

I love your teaching. I hung on to every word. I soaked it all in. I look forward to the rest of your talks. Thank you for something so meaningful.

deep friendship with a few people sounds like an enmeshment

This man's video's have been saving my life - this is not hyperbolic. I'm so grateful.

For those saying they are both…I believe there’s a fluidity to it. So many of us see ourselves as being ’in the middle’ and yet, here we are. We still suffer. I’m hoping a lot of us are in some form of therapy. Whether it’s meditation and/or talk therapy, medication and/or under the care of a psychiatrist. Or perhaps, like me, microdosing psilocybin with a therapist I trust, to help me rewire my brain. I want to live a full second half!!!

Seeing these videos have made me feel soo seen,understood. I have healed, learnt and cried soo much because there is finally a sense of hope and joy. Thank you for helping soo many of us

This series has helped me think of the title for my autobiography : "All of the Above"

At 16:38 I want to tell you: I am/can be very outward going and I feel I need to be far more 'on my own' to connect with MySelf and Nature/God/All and after that with other people again. As a kid I also loved to be in nature, finding sticks, be a tomboy knight, climb trees and sandhills and to read a book in a quiet corner... being save with myself... I had no idea what was happening around me at that time in the adult world and not the least how that affected me and my (late) lill sister -whom I told everything is getting better after 50... so she 'choose' to find out the day before turning 51 to have a heavenly birthday ❤❤❤

Everything this guy said I felt it. I've always been a different person around different people.

Thank you so much for understanding it’s not for everyone and separating the Christian part.

So I went though such an event in my life which caused me depression and PTSD. I was having a discussion with my parents about " I've forgot who I was" she told me a was a funny outgoing person, all I could do was cry in tears because I couldn't remember who I was. I just know who I am now.

The best, by far the very best, explanation of what I’ve experienced as an adult of teen-aged, abusive parents; father is a diagnosed psychopath. I struggle with personality tests because, I actually don’t know the answer on many of the questions; OR it’s like struggling through terrain through mist.

I am slowly getting to a place where I am willing to trust again.

First 10 minutes and my eyes are already watering.

I just found this video and this guy and I'm like why haven't I known about him before because of this guy I know what's wrong he's opened my eyes I mean like you knew what's going on but just hearing someone else say it its like wow

As I watch this, my tears flow freely. Painful memories attack... And then the healing can begin

He speaks the truth but I don't know how to break free. I'm not sure I can get past all this darkness

My parents really screwed me up.

Sometimes..often trauma after trauma non-stop, and yhe next one us worse than the previous. Sometimes it's during the middle/older age too...

I think who you really WANT to be is who you really are deep down. Think about how you wish you could act and how you wish you could live, what relationships would look like in your life, what your interests and activities would look like, etc. This is who you really are. But most people I don't think even take the time to think about who they WANT to be and what they want their lives to look like. It takes a strong person to think to themselves "this is what I want my life to be like and this is who I want to be regardless of all the obstacles in my way".

I just went to do a personality test, and tried to pick answers I am most uncomfortable with. I always had a nagging suspicion that I was not honest while answering. After learning about childhood trauma from Tim, I am re-learning everything I thought was true about myself, but it was just a chameleon response and coping mechanism. Time to build some strength. Take care everyone. God bless 🙏🏼 Also Tim, thank you for speaking about the true healthy Christianity. We need a LOT more of that, Sir. (From another video but I want to emphasise it, as toxic "Christianity" was also a big reason why I am how I am. All the best, Sir 🙏🏼 God bless

I’m 52 ..the last 10 years ..especially I have struggled so much with my mental health ..have gone to psychologist..in the last 12 months and realised I have been living my whole life with cpstd ..and was diagnosed at 19 with GAD ..And put on meds.😢

Those personality test questions are crass and often unanswerable because it depends on the circumstances. The tests are rubbish! For example, ask a married person whether they would prefer a room mate or to live alone and the answer depends on the health of their marriage. Ask an unmarried person, and the answer depends on how lonely they are, and for how many years they have lived alone SO FAR. It’s all crap, because there is no CONTEXT.

I used to have a balanced life. As far as hobbies and what I need to do for myself.

You have helped me understand myself more then anyone. I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago and they suspect high functioning Autism, and I've learned I'm in a marriage with a narcissistic, trying to find out how to be true to myself when my whole life I've been told that's wrong, so I don't know who I am at all, idk where to start.

I didn't really understand what the term complex trauma was until now. Thank you so much Tim. You have given me great insight into my life and why I am the way I am.🙏🙂

Your slides r so helpful for my learning style thanks so much

Years ago I was introduced to a personal archetypal learning process about myself. After about 8 years the void was finally filled. I woke up one morning and I realized I hadn't thought of suicide in a long time. This archetypal process I studied for 8 years before it got better. It's taught by Caroline myss online now. Regardless, of your age. It is worth looking into this archetypal process to find out what mask you wear everyday. There is hope beyond chaos.

The following helped me. Understanding that some people hurt others. This is not your fault. Finding your old self is possible, but if you've never been happy and had a good time, there's not much to gain. My advice to instead focus on joy and feeling here and now. And create the life you want. We don't need a time machine to travel back and find ourselves, only contact with ourselves in the present. We are all in constant development and who you were as a child had, even under good conditions, developed and changed until today. Life is short. Break free from the captivity of grief and appreciate each new day. It may take time to overcome difficulties but don't give up!

A lot of my answers have changed after ptsd

Society norms also don't allow authenticity, individuality from small on.

"I'm too messed up." Just what I was thinking.