I pay all the bills, I cook, I clean, I come up with dates, I pay for everything, and what do I get in return? I get avoidance, no sex, no meals, no communication, no date ideas, no help with bills, and my biggest pet peeve: ABSOLUTE SILENCE. She thinks I won’t leave. I told her last night that the thought of sticking myself in a relationship like this for the rest of my life disturbed me to my soul. But she fights, she begs, she says the right things when I’m upset, and so I wait but now I’m so done.
Yes, that IS what a one sided relationship feels like and I am so sorry. I know how painful that is. The only thing I would offer is to get support because that will help you let go when you're ready. There are groups like Al--Anon al-anon.org that deal with one -sided relationships ( also considered codependent ) that are on Zoom and free. Just a thought :)
Sounds like it's time to set some boundaries. Been there & I'm sorry you are feeling so unappreciated. My partner & I did the Conflict Cure course by Bruce Muzik. That has helped us get out of the Power Dynamic Stage. These videos are really informative too. Love them.
I tend to be stuck with this for a very long time the conversation always seems to end and I see them talking to others and i keep trying to reach out even with friends
Excellent video Michelle 😊. I set a test with someone recently and wondered whether they would ask me anything personal when we next met up. No, it was all about them. I realised then sadly it was pretty much one sided.
Yes!!! I’ve done that too and it IS a good test to see if they can switch to you - being in a one sided relationship is super draining but awareness is always the first step! Thanks Sue!
Sue, I agree with you. It seems that in my relationship with this guy he never asks me anything personal or for updates on medical tests or something going on in my life. When we get together, we each talk, as if we’re giving a presentation, there is no exchange or him asking me questions. In fact, sometimes his response will be to guess what’s going to be said next or he’ll create a story around what I just said to make me laugh. But it’s never, “how is your cousin doing. Whatever happened with that appointment you had the other day?” And they think every idea that I come up with has to be from some thing I saw on RU-vid and not from my own mind. But it’s OK for them to have ideas taken from RU-vid videos. Sad part of all this is that he’s in his 50s and should know better about communication and he should have learned from his last marriage. He always says, we’ll talk about it, but we never do. And when I bring it up, he lacks all emotional connection. When I explain my needs to him, he asked me what relationship had given me that in the past. When I tell him, and if he knows the person, he criticizes that person. I’m tired of having to defend myself.Right now I’m at the point of being happy when I don’t see him.
@@Toody49 yep, sadly that is exactly how a one sided relationship feels. I’m glad you are able to recognize the signs and consider your next steps of possibility detaching.
Thank you! Definitely in a one sided marriage with a functional alcoholic. Funny, because when we first dated he took initiative to do things, plan things… well, that faded pretty quickly. He’s in a marriage with his drinking and I just keep to myself. I have shared my feelings about his “dis-ease” how I know he struggles and I am very compassionate about his struggle, but when I mention my needs in our relationship he shuts down, stonewalls me and just sits in his man cave watching sports, drinking and playing on the computer. We’re two ships passing in the night and while I cannot and will not try to fix him, I’m focusing on myself and the reasons behind why I chose this type of relationship and looking deeply into my beliefs, childhood and all that… while it was a hard lesson I’m turning it into something positive. The hard knocks of life…
I know this is hard and trust me you CAN heal - recognizing that your relationships is one-sided is progress! Get to know yourself and what YOU want and maybe consider doing some codependency recovery. I have some free journal prompts if you need help figuring that out. Thank you for watching!
Yeah this is unfortunately pretty common - I’d recommend watching the video at the end on codependency since the symptoms are really similar. Thanks for watching Tom!
I've been doing most of the chasing. But sometimes it's so hard trying not to contact them even though you know they don't reach out. When you forced yourself not to contact them, you never hear from them. It's been 5 months, and I still haven't heard from him.
YES! It IS hard but it's very important information because if they aren't contacting you then you are faced with the reality of what the relationship is and what kind of relationship you want to have. I know this is painful but if you yearn for more mutually loving relationships, examining our patterns is the start of your healing.
Thank you for a video that's saying what I need to hear in the moment. I have never responded to such a video before but feel compelled to because I'm grappling with the painful decision to end a long friendship with someone who, as mentioned in the clip, gives short shrift to my feelings and has a hard time with harmlessly authentic expressions of opinions and needs. This person, an older adult, has a pollyannish mindset that is rather immature; many children I know are beyond it. She gets angry when she hears valid, insightful criticisms of other people who are truly being hurtful or unscrupulous. She insists on "nice" things being said about everybody. Of course, I'm for seeing the best in people and all those good things, but my friend takes this to an unreasonable extreme. I have given this person a chance over several years but her behavior isn't changing. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when, during out last, recent conversation, she became angry with me when I told her that one of my relatives is sadistic - a viewpoint shared by multiple people in my family. I can no longer tolerate her crushing, ill-advised sanctimoniousness, it is oppressive. She wants a Stepford wife, not a human being with realistic observations. I am in disbelief over how long I have put up with this and wish I would have let go of the relationship long ago.
Yeah it’s really tough when we realize that a relationship isn’t healthy for us. Great awareness though and that will help you create a healthier relationship next time. The challenging part is being willing to look at our part - for me personally that was a game changer. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
@@MichelleFarrismft Thanks for your response. How true that determining our part in a relationship conflict is difficult, brave work. I have searched my soul and, honestly, cannot fathom what my own part was in the situation I described other than tolerating unreasonable behavior from the other person.
@@MichelleFarrismft I think so; speaking up effectively is a skill I would like to use more consistently. I appreciate you responding so promptly! Enjoy your weekend.
Hi Michelle, this video represents exactly what I am going through honestly, I found myself crying again at the end of this video, many times in previous weeks back, I would make complaints about quality time(even though I talked about it many times before it feels like barely any changes happened), we have both been busy, me with studies but the person with their business, even though I was busy I made time ,made random calls when she was feeling down, offered movies, sent motivational morning messages, recordings, came up with new ideas, for us to spend time together. It felt like if I didn't try to make any of this extra push or triple work the relationship would have died, yesterday I pretty much had a breakdown about it all, she acknowledged her faults, but now I'm mentally at this place where I feel insecure and mentally tired. This morning she sent a loving message, I feel numb about it, in my mind I'm asking myself is she just treating me like this temporarily for the week before she returns to neglecting me, she has a lot in life to deal with...and I feel like an extra weight on her shoulders that can't be handled I don't even feel like a priority in the relationship anymore, all I wanted was an afternoon, I study, go the gym, play music so it's not like I'm hovering or demand all her time in the day, but even for an afternoon it seems difficult. What should I do? She said herself this morning she doesn't like relationship discussions,(but I wish she would just ask the questions are we ok? what can I do to make up for this situation) right now I'm more hurt and tired than ever before and anxious part of me wants to lower expectations and let her go, other part of me is just wondering if I give another chance will I be in for a future of neglect and pain once again (like the previous times I asked for quality time),it just makes me cry.
I'm sorry I know how hard this is - I can't ethically give advice about the details ( because I could do more harm than good because I can't know all of the history that is done in therapy ) but I would suggest getting some therapy - there might be a counselor at your school. Open Path Collective offers low fee counseling. I think that might help give you the additional support.
I had two instances of this.. one instance was through my college roommate and i would call and reach out to them constantly.. then one day i just stopped... i also noticed that she would sporadically reach out every blue moon and also mentioned that she is not a texter.. another instance was with three bumble bff people.. when i would reach out and try to hang out with them.. when i stated that i felt that i was the one to always reach out, they would all say that they were busy... so i just broke off with them recently.. i have been trying to fix my codependency on my side though and not jump headfirst..
I asked for my needs to be met in as nice and loving way as possible trying to remove blame as muvh as possible and follow non-violent communication and she talked to her friends and family instead of me then broke up...
I'm sorry to hear that. You did your part though by avoiding blame and trying to communicate better. This video might be helpful How to Let Go of Someone You Love in 10 Steps ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-SuLlpDG_JFA.html
My feelings never mattered. If I bring up about how I feel. He says im just trying to cause us to argue. We lived together a few years but once his adult daughter and son was working. They did not have to contribute and I was tired of paying half the bills. I moved out Once they graduated nothing changed. He would tell me only god knows our future. Now both his adult children are 29 and 27 years old. Still no plans to leave the nest and the daughter has a son and he is helping raise him now. I stayed way too long and wasted ten years. I could not get past my resentment. He wanted to go out weekends and I felt he just wanted to get a break from them. I felt used. Never wanted to talk future. He did early on in the relationship but that changed. I blocked his number and moving on...
Whenever I try to talk to my girlfriend about my feelings, she tells me nobody’s keeping me here and if I’m not happy I can leave. She says she wants to be with me and I do everything for her. I am emotionally exhausted I feel like I’m a roommate and built in babysitter. I need advice from a stranger
I’m so sorry! You might want to check out my free relationship checklists to see how healthy this relationship is - it should be in the description of this video.
Awareness is the first step in healing. ❤️🩹 you can unlearn these patterns and create a mutually satisfying relationships. Thank you for watching - feel free to check out my free resources in the description.
In six months I was always the one who wrote good morning first, hi first, call first etc.... Now I bored of it and don't do the same thing. She regrets it now and says good morning because I complained. But I don't believe it because it came with my saying.
Yeah it’s a big pattern to shift - one sided friendship is no fun. It stepping back and allowing them to come to you ( or not and then pull back yourself ) is recovery!
Hey Josh...did you check out Alateen? That would be the place to get the support you need for free :) I'm sorry, I really can't give advice on these issues but I really support you in checking out Alateen.
Al-Anon al-anon.org is all about healing from alcoholic relationships ( and codependent behaviors like one sided relationships ). There is also CODA coda.org
@@MichelleFarrismft didn’t mean to put a thumbs down. Didn’t have my glasses. How do I do better for sosmeone with ADHD, and possibly on the spectrum? I’m falling for her, and she seems to withdraw from me A LOT. I want to understand. How do I feel good too?
Hi michelle i just want to talk to you and ask you about my story, there was this one guy that i became friends with at work ,we met at work and i was very approachable and friendly to him and we just had some random conversations and that's how we becme friends and i was the one who offered him my friendship and he also did seem happy and it did seem like he was a true friend for like one or two months and we only hung out twice however slowly as time went on he started to flip by ignore me ,everytime when i would come to him with plans he would say 'no' because of this or because of that and would give me very small replies and would take hours or day to reply to me and also when he would then he would just do it one or two times or a little more then that sometimes and would just cut the conversation in text and everytime at work he wouldn't even talk to me like a friend or wouldn't talk to me about the text at all and i started to get really frustrated and stressed out mentally and emotionally and that's why we kept on going back and fourth over and over again and i 100% knew that he was lying with the things that he would say to me or about me and basically got defensive ,he was aboiding me ,flaking out ,undermining my confidence and basically telling lies by being dishonest and not loyal to me as friend so he basically gaslighted me by victimizing himself he would say things like the only reason why i felt bad for doing what i did to you was because i called you a friend ,it's like you are forcing me to hang out with you cause when i say no you won't take it for an answer ,I TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT I AM EITHER BUSY OR TIRED ,i understand you are upset but please try to take my position into account i don't have a lot of time to rest but when i do i make the most out of it ,if i am free i will tell you ,literally every time busy bc of this or that BUT ALSO you are botehring me ,you are disrespecting my boundaries ,you are tiring/toxic ,blunt ,niave,ignorant and forgetful,have some self respect man,if you would have stop texting me then i would have appreciated you and said a lot of things to me and about me which i don't think should have been said ,i honestly feel betrayed ,hurt,cheated ,bullied and gaslighted by what he did to me and i actully had a nervous breakdown for three days bc of that and obviously gaslight is a betryal trauma and it seriously felt like it damaged my self steem and it's really hard to move on cause idk why it just comes naturally where i have to overthink and causes me to get hurt 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
I can’t really give advice here but I would suggest getting some therapy. It wouldn’t be enough for me to comment - it sounds like getting some support due to how much this has impacted you might be super helpful.
@MichelleFarrismft 😊I really appreciate you but I feel like it's better if I talk to someone who is like you and that would be more than enough for me I TRULY WISH I HAD THAT 🥰 and also I feel like in need friendship therapy rather then therapy ,I did spoke to three of my friends about it and I have this one friend ,we are not close ,best or hanging out friends (we just hang out in groups but individually meaning just the both of us) and she was like ' I think a friendship being one-sided all the time is quite obvious that a person dosen't want to spend time with you, if you come across these types if people I think we just move on and spend time with other people who want to hang out with us, it's useless to keep asking some people to me more commu communicative and to hang out especially when it's that they don't want to otherwise they will think that you are really annoying and pushing their boundaries ,I think he was annoyed every single time when you kept coming to him with plans and notice how he kept rejecting every single plan '
@@MichelleFarrismftI understand but is it okay if you can give some of your thoughts into this then it would be really helpful to me even if you can't say much on this just some thoughts that would be really helpful for me , bc I keep on thinking did I do anything wrong but also I obviously know that I am/was not wrong 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Sorry, it's unethical for me to advise outside of a therapeutic relationship. If you had a specific question about the video that would be okay.@@Ny4n_kittz
