A Jewish Rabbi joke 😂 

for everyone who had difficulty understanding this joke the sermon is usually extremely long and possibly boring. Sometimes (irl) a rabbi (or a pastor or a priest or any kind of preacher) will take his watch off their wrist. if he puts it away, it means he is not worried about time so you are in for a long sermon. Sometimes though they would put it on the podium (or lecturer or whatever you call that thingy that stands up where you can put your books and notes to read during the sermon) so that he can glance at it and keep the time under control. This usually means a shorter sermon or at the very least a sermon that ends when it is supposed to end instead of trickling down into eternity. So the punchline is just a small subversion. Everything they do has a meaning so you would expect that when the rabbi takes off his watch and put it up in a way that's perfectly visible while he speake it would mean that he intends to keep the sermon short. ...yeah, good luck with that.

"I wandered 40 years in the desert for that punchline? Oy-vey!"

Love it! I once was listening to a guest preacher giving a sermon, and when someone signaled him that he was reaching the end of his allotted time limit, he said "I know my time's almost up. Can I get five more minutes? Who here will give me five more minutes?" A bunch of people raised their hands, and hebstarted pointing at them, saying "that's five, ten, fifteen, twenty..."

A preacher graduated from Bible school and was so excited to preach at church. He got assigned to a little church on the prairie. His first Sunday there was a blizzard and only one rancher shows up. So he asked the rancher “should I preach, since there’s only u ?” The rancher says, I’m no biblical scholar or theologian, but if I had a cow show up for feeding on a day like this, id sure feed it. Preacher says ok here goes. 1hr and a half later he asks the rancher How’d I do ? Rancher says I’m no theologian or scholar but If I went to feed my herd on a day i like this and only one showed up I wouldn’t feed it the whole load

A Priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane, The Monk goes, It will be okay, for I shall be reincarted. The priest goes, It will be okay, for we three shall meet again in heaven. The rabbi goes, Am I the only one who remembered we were skydiving today?

The Jewish Rabbi asking God for weeks on end, to help him win the Lotto. God gets fed up after a few months and a voice comes from heaven that says "David, will you at least buy a ticket?"

That joke was a bigger letdown than Moses not being able to step foot into Israel.

A rabbi and a Catholic priest sit down to lunch. The priest says "Tell me, Rebbe, did you ever break kosher and have a bit of ham?" The rabbi says "Once, when I was young and curious, I decided to try it. Now you, padre, did you ever, ah, with a woman?" The priest blushes and says "Once, before I was ordained." They sit together in silence for a bit, then the rabbi smiles a little and says "Better than ham, isn't it?"

It means he's not worried about time and that this is going to be a long one.

A Jewish guy gets knocked down by a car,and as he was laying on the road injured,a man runs to the Jewish guys aid and puts his coat under his head, then he asks the Jewish guy are you comfortable? Jewish guy replies, I make a living..

Here's the real punchline: "What does it mean? It means were skipping lunch today."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo." 😊

As a Jew, I would just like to make it clear to anyone passing by that we are funnier than this...

A flasher in the park runs up to a Jewish woman and opens his coat wide, shouting “what do you think of this?” The Jewish lady calmly replies “you call that a lining?”

A Jewish man is speaking to his friend and says "Man, I've done a terrible thing" The friens asks "What did you do ?" The Jewish man responds "During the war , I sheltered refugees" The friend says "That's actually a very kind and virtuous act" The Jewish man answers "Oh no , you don't understand, I made them pay rent" The friend replys "That's not terrible either" The Jewish man finally says "You still aren't getting it , I haven't told them that the war ended 3 years ago"

A rabbi and a soviet minister meet at a pub. The Chernobyl disaster just happened recently. The Soviet minister asks the rabbi "Have you heard what happened at Chernobyl?". The rabbi nods. "What a tragedy. But I can't help but worry that the jews and left handed people get blamed for the disaster." The Soviet minister asked confused: "Left handed people? Why left handed people?". The rabbi replies: "Why the Jews?"

My catholic family has a similar joke about a Midwestern father. The watch meant that the Packers were playing at 11:30 so it was going to be an efficient service.

A dying Jewish man lays in his bed with his family around him. He asks "My wife, where's my wife". She says "Im here Yekirì". -My son, where is my son. -Im here by your side Papa. -My little Ziskeit. -Im here, we are all here. Then tell, who is running the store?

A pastor, a priest, and a rabbi are discussing how much money they should donate to the church. The priest says "let's draw a circle on the ground and throw the money into the air, whatever lands inside the circle we donate to the church" The pastor says "No, we draw the circle on the ground, throw the money in the air and whatever lands outside of the circle we donate to the church" Then the rabbi chimes in "No, we throw the money in the air... and whatever God wants he'll keep"

A Jewish man was distraught that his son had converted to Christendom and so he went to his rabbi "Rabbi, you'll never believe this, my son has converted to Christianity. I need your help." "My friend, you'll never believe this, but my son has recently converted as well. It is my belief that we should pray and ask the Lord for the answers." And so they both began to pray with as much fervor as they could muster, and who should come from down on high but the Lord himself. "My sons, you will never believe this..."

long setup, mid punchline.

Reminds me of the joke with a similar punchline. A priest and a rabbi attend a boxing match together. They're sit close to the ring. They watch as both boxers enter and stand by their corners. Right as the bell rings, the rabbi notices that one of the boxers crosses himself before starting this fight. The rabbi turns to the priest and asks "why does he do that, what's it meant to do for him?" The priest without missing a beat says "not a damn thing if he can't fight"

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven and tells God that he has a funny story about the camp, after God hears the story he stares confused at the jew and says: -That wasn't funny at all. To which the jew replies "you should have been there".

In London there is a district called Golders Green where lots of Jewish people reside.3 miles away there is a sign saying Golders Green 3 miles. Someone has crossed out the 3 and written underneath “But to you 2 1/2”

I think it would've been better if the punchline was "we're going to be here for a while"

As a non jew i really love jewish humor. I wish other religions had this kind of humor. The world would be much more less insane

I like the one on Yom Kipper in which the rabbi gets up and says, “Lord, I am nothing”, and the cantor gets up and says, “Lord, I am nothing,” and finally, the shamus gets up and says,”Lord, I am nothing “ and the rabbi says to the cantor, “Nu! Look who thinks he’s nothing!”

LOL, that rabbi won't be paying attention to how long he's been talking!

Two Jews and a Rabbi are walking down the street on the sabbath, heading for the temple. They see a small store that sells liquor. It has many drunk people stumbling in and out, others on the sidewalk passed out drunk, etc. The Rabbi is amazed at the amount of people drinking on a Saturday morning. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says “We need to do something about this situation”. Resolute to do something about this situation the three men marched into the store on Monday and bought the place for a fair price. That’s it…no punchline. Ever since then store is thriving, seeing record profits, and even looking to expand. 😂

I heard the punchline for this was 'the rabbi calls out from the podium "I'm timing how long I can speak before you ask another question"

My dad and his brothers offered the priest at my grandfather's funeral $20 for a 10 minute sermon or $10 for a 20 minute sermon. Anything longer and he had to pay them. Priest didn't miss a beat and asked how long $500 got him a captive audience. Solid dude. He earned his $10 today.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!", and the grasshopper asks, "You have a drink named 'Ralph'?"

I'll be honest I don't know jewish humor so this might be what this is, but, its an oddly heartwarming thing to see it just randomly pop up in my feed. Hope you guys are doing ok.

Two guys rented a camel to ride and when they came back without it rental guy asked them what happened to the camel. One says, "We were riding along just fine and we heard someone say, 'Hey! Look at the two schmucks on the camel!', and when we got off to look it took off."

Aww the amount of people dissing the joke is sad. I actually thought the long-windedness of the joke is what made it funny

So there's this Jewish guy living in little Italy. And during Lent, he cooks BBQ, which drives all the Catholics nuts since they can only eat fish. So they talk to the Jewish guy and say, "you need to become Catholic so you'll be part of the community." So he says, OK. The priest sprinkles some water on the Jewish guy and says, "born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Christian" and everyone celebrates. That Friday, the Jewish guy is out back cooking steaks and the Catholics come by and say, "no, no, no, its fish only on Fridays." And the Jewish guy sprinkles some water on the steaks and says, "born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish."

Most people didn't get the subtlety of this joke because they are unfamiliar with the ways of orthodox Judaism. That religious strain has so many rituals by which to live your life that the Jewish explainer in the joke was sorry (c.f. "unfortunately") that the taking off of the watch wasn't a ritual and didn't mean anything in particular.

When he takes off his watch simply means the service won't be finished any time soon.

I heard the punchline of that joke 40 years ago, but instead of a Jew and a non-Jew it was a Baptist and a Catholic.

Shortly after receiving his Holy Orders, a new priest was sent to a parish to be mentored by an older priest. During his first mass, he watched the older priest come out, set down his glass of water and begin. Afterwards, the new priest asks, "why did you have a glass of water?" "Well i get thirsty, but it's not water, it's vodka. Anyway, just be prepared because next week, you're up" So the next week, the new priest comes to the lectern, sets down his vodka, and begins. Later he priest asks how he did and the older priest says "you did fine son, but i do have a few notes. First, sip your vodka, don't gulp it. Next, it's Jesus Christ, not 'the late J.C.', and finally, David slew Goliath, he didn't 'kick the shit out of him'"

A rabbi and a priest walk through the woods until they happen on a sign reading ‚nudist hiking path‘. The men realise that this might be a nice bit of exercise, so they strip naked and start hiking. At some point however, they find themselves entering a visitors car park, and in that car park, there stands a bus full of horrified schoolchildren. The priest immediately covers his bits, but the rabbi immediately covers his face. The priest asks, „What are you doing? There’s kids watching!“ The rabbi answers, „I don’t know how things work in your community, but in mine, the children recognise me by my _face!“_

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor center. The receptionist looks at the rabbit and says, "how did _you_ end up here?" The rabbit glances at the other two and says, "obviously, I'm a typo."

25 years ago I had a pastor who often took off his watch and set it on the podium. He'd sometimes ask us what it meant when the pastor takes his watch off and puts it on the podium. He -- and everyone -- would chorus together, "Absolutely nothing!"

At the end, I thought he was going to reply, "That means it's nap time".😂

"It means there's an early baseball game and he needs to finish in time to watch it."

I once tried a Spanish Pentecostal church. I asked my friend after a couple hours, how long does the service last? She said, as long as the Holy Spirt says. Lol....the holy spirit said about 3 1/2 hours that day

I was waiting for the punch line to be that we're gonna be here a while... This is equally as funny 🤣

Punchline needs work. Id suggest his wrist is sweaty

You get farther with a sense of humour than with fire and brimstones.

This is a little known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. God first went to the French and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God. The french thought about it and then said, "absolutely not! ." So then God went to the Italians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Italians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free."The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN

Still a good laugh. Reverend Gary Low told a variant of this joke 60 years ago. I remember still. Thanks.

I heard Justin Wilson tell essentially the same joke about 40 years ago, except it was a Baptist church.

thats a long walk for a bad joke... guess you wont be hitting the comedy clubs anytime soon

A priest, A monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank, the nurse asks for their blood types and the priest says "I am a type-A", the monk says "I'm a type-B", and the rabbit says "I think i'm a type-O

An oldie but goody!

My favourite jewish joke: 3 rabbis meet in a coffeeshop. They argue about their views and interpretation of their fate. The 1st Rabbis friends tell him to ask god if he is so sure. That day he heads to the tallest mountain nearby. "God... if I'm right give me a sign" he says as suddenly thousands of birds swarm out of a tiny blueberry bush. Satisfied he goes home. The next day all 3 meet again and the Rabbi tells the other 2 about the sign. "Well that's just nature they probably were scared of you talking or in some hole hiding under the bush" says his 1st friend. So the Rabbi heads back up that day, it was quite sunny so he was drenched when he was finally up. "God if I'm right give me another sign!" He says as the clear sunny sky suddenly darkened with pitch black clouds the rain pouring down. He again goes home to meet his friends the next day. He tells his friends what happened. "Well that could be due to the heat either you imagined that or it got so hot that it started thundering causing this irdinary weather phenomonon". The rabbi is now annoyed. "fine then we all go now" he says taking his friends to the mountain. He starts again "God if-" he gets interrupted "FOR MY SAKE HE IS CORRECT!!!" a booming voice thunders from all around them. The two friends of the rabbi startwhisperung with eachother as the 1st Rabbi smirks confidently. They finally stop when they both say in unison "fine 2 vs 2".

I didn’t realize you guys do a salsa move in the synagogue for the main standing prayer lol

It was a funny joke in my opinion, don't understand why you'd comment that you didn't like a joke and it wasted your time, which wastes even more of your time.

I thought he's going to say that it's going to be a long sermon or something along those lines.

I'm a Christian and our preachers do the same thing with the watch and I'd agree - it doesn't mean a thing 🤣🤣🤣

Back in the day, God was wandering the Earth, looking for commandments to bestow. He arrive at the palace of the Pharaoh and asked the Pharaoh if he wanted any commandments. The Pharaoh said, "Can you give me an example of one?" God says, "Thous shalt not commit adultery" Pharaoh was like, "What!? Are you nuts!? That's my favourite thing to do! Get outta here!" God keeps wandering until he comes across the palace of the Sultan. He asks the Sultan if he'd like any commandments, and the Sultan, like the Pharaoh, asks for an example. God says, "Thou shalt not steal" The Sultan screams at God, "Are you crazy? How do you think I got to be this rich? Get out! Get out!" God continues to wander, then one day, he encounters Moses in the desert. He asks Moses if he'd like any commandments. Moses says, "How much do they cost?" God replies, "Nothing. They are free." "Gimme ten", says Moses.

Others may find it strange, but sermons/speeches are my favorite part of the service. Prayers are hard. They go fast, and most of them are in Hebrew. These days I can usually keep up, but it requires tremendous concentration. During a sermon I can relax and maybe even hear an interesting story..

A man is rescued from a desert island after 20 years. The news media, amazed at this feat of survival, ask him to show them his home. "How did you survive? How did you keep sane?" they ask him, as he shows them around the small island. "I had my faith. My faith as a Jew kept me strong. Come." He leads them to a small glen, where stands an opulent temple, made entirely from palm fronds, coconut shells and woven grass. The news cameras take pictures of everything - even a torah made from banana leaves and written in octopus ink. "This took me five years to complete." "Amazing! And what did you do for the next fifteen years?" "Come with me." He leads them around to the far side of the island. There, in a shady grove, is an even more beautiful temple. "This one took me twelve years to complete!" "But sir" asks the reporter, "Why did you build two temples?" "This is the temple I attend. That other place? Hah! I wouldn't set foot in that other temple if you PAID me!"[1]

Why doesn't he say goy?

One day, Jesus and Moses went out on a boat to go fishing. Hours go by and they hadn't caught anything. Moses says, "I'm starving, let's row back to the shore, get something to eat, and then we'll come back and try again." Jesus says, "No, no, you stay. I'll go back and bring you something." Jesus takes a step from the boat, then another. Splash! Jesus falls into the water. Moses looks for his friend but can't see him. Jesus finally swims to the surface and says, "I don't know what happened." Moses asked, "The last time you tried that, did you have those holes in your feet?"

...It means that the Rabbi wants to get home in time to watch the playoffs on TV.

A monk, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”. The monk and the priest don’t know why they’re in a bar.

Git the whole squad laughing 😐

the watch thing is not inherently jewish unfortunately

You STAND on the podium, you STAND behind the lectern!

"I was raised by a Jewish mother and Christian father and, when I was young, they asked me if I'd rather celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah. Like any good Jew I chose Christmas because you get more presents" - General Sam

It would have been fun to go meta with the punchline. "Oh, he puts the watch right in front of him so he can subtly check how long he's been telling a joke."

As a person whos parents came to the US from a country with a large muslim population I used to be not very fond of the jewish community but i recently started to open up and learn more about Judaism. I hope to all that you prosper and be healthy שלום אויף דיר

I think the joke is that the sermon is gonna be long

During the inauguration of the first Jewish POTUS, his mother is sitting in the crowd, brimming with pride. She turns to the person seated next to her and says, “See that man up there? His brother is a doctor.”

I was expecting something a little more ironic, something along the lines of, ^That means the Cantor has forgotten the words."

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi walk into a bar. “Ouch, what was that doing there?”

That was the lamest joke ive heatd in a long time. Thanks for that. Loo

I always love seeing the perspectives of people from other religions. That's something you don't really get to experience if you're told that anyone who believes anything different from you is worshipping demonic entities.

Wow they should really have chopped a chunk of this joke off at birth

Took me a minute.😂

Hilarious, the kind of joke Norm MacDonald loved telling. Subtle enough that you have to think about it for a moment to connect the punchline.

This is universal to all faiths.

Should have just told him orthodox jews are hyper fixated in liturgy instead of actual prayer

I was expecting a time reference. Something like "He is keeping track of time. He has a bris to perform and he doesn't want to rush it."

This is the most unfunny thing I've ever heard

Your gonna be there awhile

My whole life I've heard the same joke about Baptist preachers. I love how people are people.

He wants all the members to know that he got the 10k Rolex for 8k, and their dues are being spent wisely.

Same for other religions - that's when people start praying he actually looks at the watch so everyone can go to lunch.

People here complaining about long setup like not most jewish jokes(not jew jokes) have a long setup

Good to know sermon jokes are just as bad at synagogue as they are in an Evangelical church.

It means this speech is beyond time and can take a while

I would have changed the punchline to either "It means we're going to be here a while" or "If he timed it right, it means we'll still be able to order off the breakfast menu".

An Orthodox New York rabbi is preparing to perform a circumcision, first he dons his robes,then says a couple prayers, and finally, brushes his teeth.

I know the feeling. I can always tell when the pastor has way too much energy. Settle in it's going to be awhile.

I didn't get the joke. So the rabbi removed his watch, and sure that's not part of the services, why is that funny?

Hilarious! Gentiles aren’t so different… long winded sermons are universally dreaded.

It means he’s a lawyer and you’re all on the clock 😂

Unfortunately you need to be a New York Rabbi to be funny being a Rabbi isn’t enough.