I feel a lot of loss and sadness knowing that other people have and trust an autopilot and it’s all I ever want for myself. My mental load is on constant overload because of my neurodivergent lack of an autopilot.
Having an autopilot can bring its own issues - like everyday things can become too automatic they simply don't register and then you're constantly having to check that you've done what you think you've done. I'm forever getting out of the car before I go anywhere because I need to check if I really did lock both my back doors. Usually I do it before I drive off but late one night I was going to London and had to go back because I couldn't be certain (fortunately only a couple of miles). I have to return to the car because putting the handbrake on and locking it is so automatic - I've been doing it for 50 years - I have no idea if I've really done it. I get up at night to go and check that I locked up because something happened so this time I remember locking up - but I can't remember if whatever happened to make me remember was tonight or last night.
YEP! Even habit stacking can fail. I tried adding something to my "morning routine." After TWO MONTHS of doing it every day, I still had to tell myself to do it *every time*.
YES! Like, I DO have an autopilot, but it takes a LONG time to update. Something as simple as moving the bottles to the other end of the shower because the old shelf broke. I will stand there in the water for 5 minutes before I realize I'm not washing my hair, and then I'll blindly reach for the bottles, but probably pick the wrong one, because they are in a different order. Last time this happened, it took at least 5 months to update.
Do you guys have car license? I have ADHD and I am driving for 10 years. As I had to repeat same movement sooo many times, I did build autopilot and it is one of the rare complex actions in my life that I do without thinking. Feels soooooo good.
Showering is soooo glorious when over, but soooo many steps to have to think about beforehand. I too wish I could autopilot that stuff. 😂 But I also say my steps of showering out loud as I’m doing them too to make sure I do it all. Sometimes I sing them. Lmao. I appreciate how y’all make us other weirdos feel normal and finally alike with someone vs alien. ❤ Thank you for putting out the content you do. 🙏🏼
Please tell me I'm not the only one who has forgotten what step of the shower you are on (Shampoo hair. Soap body. Rinse off body. Rinse off hair) and had to start completely over.
@@Handalorian I've gotten better at it, but yes! Same! In high school especially, I'd take super long showers because I'd forget and start over. Because I can't always trust if I'm remembering the shower steps I just took or another time I was showering.
I can't shower "out of order" or I'll forget what I have/haven't done. Then, mentally, I'll have to go through my normal routine until I get back "in order".
Yes, there are way too many things to think about before I can even get into the shower, and even then, once I am in the shower, I will remember that I forgot to grab a towel or razor, face wash or even my shampoo, etc...😢 I can't autopilot that.....I wouldn't even wash. I'd probably just stand there; doing nothing, and get out.
I can’t believe how long it took me to notice that I don’t form habits well. I really only figured it out last year… in my mid-30s. And that was because for 8 months, I managed to keep the same morning routine by making myself a checklist and going through it every single day. But then I skipped it for one week because I was sick. And every habit I’d built from that routine was gone. I’ve now spent more time trying to get BACK into those habits than I spent forming them the first time around. I have an autopilot but it’s screwy. I’ll repeat tasks because I can’t remember if I’ve done them (like shampooing twice in the shower). Or I’ll do a task that I wasn’t supposed to do because the autopilot kicked in. Or it’ll get out of sequence… I’ve accidentally turned my car off before putting it in park SEVERAL times because the autopilot kicked in in the wrong order.
@@melissab8500 My ADHD friend has a small typed checklist just like yours, taped eye-level on his front door so he sees it when he's ready to leave. My solution is to keep everything in my jacket/coat pockets &/or messenger bag &/or bowl/bin by the door (for the phone, drink).
This is fascinating, because my ADHD autopilot kinda works, but I don't trust it. Like, I'll wash my hands and not remember if I've used soap yet. Sometimes I can see soap bubbles in the bowl by the drain and I'll be like, "alright guess I did use soap," but I'll have no memory of it. So if I can't get confirmation from one of my concrete senses, I'll often rewash my hands, hair, etc.
A big one for me is the stove. No matter how many times I try to retrieve the memory or walking myself through my previous steps, I can not 'see' if I have turned off the stove. Do you think it's possible that all actions that are in the mundane category do not form solid connections, like they all blur together, as they don't create a dopamine effect? So our habitual actions become difficult to distinguish from one day to the next...?
@@dreamariemiller Mundane tasks absolutely blur together! I think it's the task equivalent of a police line-up, where as soon as you get distracted and follow at least one mental tangent, the task you just did (or only thought about doing) then proceeds to melt into the whole line-up. I think our time-blindness is a major force behind this. We tend to think of it as only future-focused, but it also makes it harder to pinpoint when we last did something, even if it was less than a minute ago.
I guess I can only see this through the lens of my own experience, but perhaps it’s the “attention deficit” (/working memory deficit) part that could be doing that. If I’m doing a routine, “non-thinking” type task/task set, then speedily switching to other thoughts (like a true ADHDer) may use up ALL the availability of my working memory/attention ➡️➡️ the task attention evaporates and never had a chance to make associations (memory storage) - so it can be a total blank. Same thing as when my partner starts talking to me when I’m in the process of putting away a kitchen utensil - I may place it anywhere, because my attention could not be in both places. ❕WHEREAS, a neurotypical person may be more likely to commit more attention resources (cuz they can) to the task at hand (even though it’s well-practiced, fully routine) WHILST ALSO thinking other thoughts. ❕ The combination of WM/attention deficit + wandering mind means 0️⃣ memory made of the task (for many of us)
For me it got worse with getting older and also having more responsibilities. In my youth it was like autopilotish because it didnt matter so much if I forgot to do stuff because of less responsibilities and also I had more space in my mind, not 100things I have to think of each day, taking medicine, work, I just get overwhelmed I think
I told a friend recently that the only time during the day when I'm not self-monitoring one way or the other, including my thoughts, my behavior around others (always wanting to be high vibing) , my actions, tracking every movement to make sure things are being done correctly and in a timely fashion, how I show up in the world-is when I'm asleep.
I read your comment and I forgot to breath during. I was shocked to read and realize I am doing this all the time. When I finished reading I gasped for air. That's why we're always mind burned?
Honestly, I'm so exhausted of myself, my thoughts, and my feelings today, that I was thinking of going to bed early. If I can go to sleep, that'll be such a relief.
This is REALLY interesting to think about! To have no autopilot and thus having to think through everything is a great way to show how exhausting a typical task can be. This might also be why I love having things out and not put away because instead of going to the right drawer it is visually out in the open and I just have to grab it 😅 the only issue is keeping the grab pile clean 😅
Right and who wants the fussy business of putting laundry away? It's tedious and unrewarding especially to a d h d. I spent three hours putting away laundry the other day And I was practically in a rage about it... I'll let fussy nonsense takes too long and now I can't find any of it. Because it's in drawers.
I feel like every time I watch you guys you destigmatize something that I think is just weird about me not realizing that it's because of my ADHD. Because I'm the same way. People ask me all the time why I'm exhausted and it's because my brain doesn't shut up, it's constantly like telling me every step of every single thing that I need to do during the course of my day and half the time I lose the steps anyway cuz I forget what I have to do! Then I spend the rest of the day trying to remember what I forgot.
@@fanime1 RIGHT?!? I actually wish I had a power button on my head so I could turn it off. Cuz I don't sleep. My brain just chatters all night long about everything I didn't get done and everything I have to do and what a horrible person I am because I don't get it done and how I don't have any friends cuz I don't have a filter. Everything they talk about I am. But I just thought it was me.
Oh, I so do this! The other thing I do is go upstairs to get/do something then see something else that needs doing and then go and do that. Usually, by then I've forgotten what the original task I went upstairs to do was...
Yeah. When I do have an autopilot, it is when driving, but I have to pay close attention at turns or I could end up running the autopilot for going to places I haven't worked at for a loooong time. Or going shopping and plan on going to one place, only to realize I took the turn for the grocery store I visit more often.
Mine too. I'll start doing dishes or sweeping on autopilot, when I should be showering before work. My autopilots work reasonably well, but they like to deploy at the wrong times. I have to monitor what I'm doing, which kind of defeats the purpose of an autopilot, no?
Yes I sometimes go on autopilot when driving because I'm thinking of other things, so either I miss my turn, drive right past my usual parking space or what happens more often is I suddenly become aware I'm on autopilot and have a small moment of panic - am I on the right road? was I meant to turn there? Where am I meant to be going/which kid am I collecting/what time is it? Right, that's the time so this is where I go at that time, that's ok whew! 😂
Perfect example of the "working memory" thing that the pros are always banging on about. It's not that you're actually losing memories, it's the background processing that doesn't... you know... process. Or maybe that it doesn't background? I have never in my life driven anywhere and done that thing where you forget the drive. I remember every excruciating detail. But I can't remember what I had for lunch.
On some levels, I wonder if our autopilot is wonky because trusting it is kinda scary. For example, driving a familiar route. If I realized I've been on autopilot, I get really anxious and tell myself that's not a good thing to do. If we've had a lot of moments like that across different situations and with input/criticism from outside ppl, we probably retired our autopilot a long time ago for not feeling safe. But we didn't give it enough chances to update.
Especially when it resulted in getting yelled at or even worse when you’re younger. It’s like you’re just doing your thing one moment and the next you’re in trouble for something all of a sudden. Very jarring experience.
What an interesting theory! We didn’t learn to trust autopilot. For instance, when I arrive at my destination and haven’t a clue how I got there, I’m completely terrified. Conversely, I sometimes go on autopilot while driving and hyperfocusing on a podcast, and will often drive miles past my exit. I beat myself up relentlessly in that situation. To correct that, I’ve started using my car’s navigation to get me to my destination even places I go regularly.
Yes, indeed, I missed that out of my examples when I replied to @cadcock up above, but it's a very valid point and quite scary when you reach your destination and find you have no memory of getting there. My autos are checking door locks, mostly, the driving one not so much now.
This makes so much sense to me. I can and do go on autopilot, but almost as soon as I do, it starts going wrong. And then I beat myself up for getting it wrong because everyone else could do it no trouble, so why can’t I? So I’ve learned not to trust the autopilot.
I can do a small number of things on autopilot, if I actually do them every day, and so I CANNOT DEVIATE from my routine for those tasks and this often confuses other people. I make the exact same thing for breakfast every day and I only have a couple of other things that I make for lunch and dinner because, while I’m grateful I can memorize these tasks at all, I have very little “storage space” for them. And if I get thrown out of routine for just a few days, I forget how the whole process worked and have to start over from scratch. Thank you for such a fantastic description of this. We do have executive function - we just use 75% of it on these daily tasks that are easy for other people and always hard for us.
Showering is so difficult. I have tried to make it easier by reducing the steps and decisions involved as much as possible. I have 1 towel, 1 bar of soap, one bottle of shampoo, 1 bottle of conditioner, my towel is on a hook and I am managing to put it on the hook every day so far although it requires me to actively think about it. I wrote down all the steps and then deleted the ones I could avoid and tried to make the remaining steps as simple as possible. It’s a bit sad that I have to do this just to manage to shower though isn’t it.
I think you’ve totally hacked showering! I’m going to take notes on your system. Thank you. The flip side to that is my feeling like a failure for having to write out the steps needed for something as simple as showering. PS LOVE your handle!
Just to add, if the thing keeps getting lost on its way "home" that's usually a sign that "home" just needs to move to wherever the thing is getting left. It helps SO much to work with the habits you already have. I didn't realize how much my environment helps me out until I had to move. Now days are a lot more exhausting because I have to think through every routine without my systems, reminder items, and organization in place.
I also have to put a rubber bath mat in the shower. Because I have an old fashioned shower over my bath, and I have a permanent knee injury that makes me less stable. So to not slip I have to put a mat down. I have to run a little water first so that the bath is slightly damp for it to stick to. Then I after showering I have to pull up the mat and lay it over the edge of the bath to dry out, otherwise it gets moldy. These extra steps I have to do with the bath mat create a real block for me, where I really struggle to shower and become avoidant. Even though it feels so great when actually showering and the feeling after of being fresh and clean. I hate being sweaty and grimy with unwashed hair - as would most people! But it doesn’t make it therefore an easy thing to shower. I have anxiety about climbing into the bath too with me being less stable. Which adds to the block. I have other disabilities too, chronic mental health issues from trauma that mean I’m unable to work. So without that urgent ‘emergency’ thing of needing to leave the house to work, it makes it even harder to do the task of showering. So frustrating! I have often been confused as to why I struggle so much to shower, and felt at times that it was ridiculous. Until I found out it is a common thing with ADHD. But I didn’t really understand exactly why until I saw this vid about having a wonky autopilot !
So glad to see others have trouble showering as well. I don't recall it ever being this bad til about 9 years ago. Now it's a real struggle and I feel so gross. But just avoid the shower big time unless I have a partner to shower with.
This is so interesting. I have ADHD and find you so relatable. I definitely have an autopilot that mostly works, but sometimes short-circuits, and I find myself in the middle of a task wondering why I’m about to put the milk in the pantry, or staring at the socks confused because I’m actually looking for pants.
I think a some people with ADHD do have an autopilot. I think it's something they created to help them function (mask) in the world to not be seen as the problem. The problem is it gets locked in when you go into your head and live there while your body is doing something else(folding laundry, driving). You can't switch gears and get out of it. So tasks that require multiple steps are extremely difficult. I envy people who can get out of their head and turn off autopilot. It's exhausting, my brain constantly running in a million different directions and my body doing something that my brain doesn't even recognize it's doing (eating or fiddling with something).
I watch these videos because my wife has ADHD and they help me try harder to remain patient with her. I do get frustrated and cross sometimes but love her dearly.
I love someone with a d h d and I still can't convince them that they're worth it Or that I have enough patience for whatever Happens because I care that much... And of course I also have a d h d.. And i'm sure we're both neuro divergent... It's tricky I just keep trying..
this is the sweetest piece of information I've ever read 🥺 I wish us neurodivergent people could be brought up to be a little more patient with ourselves.. Maybe we'd all feel a little better, or like we didn't have to try so hard to just be like everyone else for once..
If you start a support group, please let my husband know. Poor thing, he thinks he's married to the ditziest woman alive, but he loves me dearly.....he's just always so confused & utterly helpless. This being said, he also put me in charge of the finances!!!! WTH was he thinking? But we did just celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, so it's true....Love really does conquer all. 💖💖💖
I have ADHD and I don't have autopilot but I do have a good memory for where things go. I wonder where the thing is and I see a mental image. I made a conscious decision about which drawer is which and then I can 'see' it. Doesn't work with directions though, sadly. I love hot water, so showering is a pleasure to me. I love the feeling of getting out clean. Being smelly is a massive sensory trigger to me as well.
You guys never fail to open my eyes to my challenges that I *NEVER* would have attributed to ADHD! This hit unbelievably hard from the opening sentence. Mine is the sock and jammies drawers. Whichever one I need I always open the top drawer, the one with socks. Need jammies? Open top drawer. I’m considering (overthinking) the need to move the socks to a drawer in a nearby small chest. I haven’t a clue why I think it will help. I’ve literally been thinking of doing this for two months! In my old dresser I DID add labels to the drawers! It helped a little.
I'm experimenting with putting things near the _other_ things they tend to go with or to work with procedures/habits I might have. Example: If I tend to get dressed after showering, why walk from the bathroom to the bedroom barefoot (I asked myself), so I made the big drawers I put under the bathroom sink into "Sock Drawers". If I pare down my socks, I'll make one drawer "Socks" and the other "Undies". And _then_ I can dry off _in the bathroom_ , put on socks and undies, and _leave the wet towel in the bathroom_ before going to the bedroom to finish dressing! OTOH, I really liked it when I used to shower when I came home (after work or before dinner), so I may try to start that habit again, in which case the "Undies" drawer may become a "Loungewear/Sleepwear" drawer so I can put on clean lounging pants and tops right after I shower _and leave the wet towel in the bathroom_ .
I did that 6 months ago. I moved my socks to the drawer at the side of my bed. I think there has been 2 times when i didn't get up, go to the dresser open the top drawer and laugh at myself. I still haven't moved them back and admitted it's a failed experiment 😂😂
@@wildbluewanderup Two months later update…I did move the socks to a drawer in the other chest. Well, technically I didn’t move them all, but I now put new and clean ones in the new location. Now I have socks in both drawers. I can’t say it has helped much but forever the optimist, I believe my brain will catch on eventually! I also believe I’ll get them combined into one drawer. A girl can dream!
@@wildbluewanderup You’re thinking is much like mine. My “New Sock Location” is by my bed. Now I literally don’t know where to find socks! When I do sit on my bed and grab a pair from the New Location I’m super psyched at what a great idea moving them was!! Too bad it’s not often.
@@brendatomlinson yeah, i ended up with socks in both locations. So i can claim a win at finding them in either location 🤣🤣 try to love myself at every turn :) i wish you success and stay optimistic :)
I don't have adhd but I do have autism and boy do I relate. autopilot just doesn't exist for me, at least not in the same way it does for neurotypical people. making the bed for example. it's an exhausting task because it takes so many steps and although I remember all of them, my brain still abstractly recites them as I'm doing them so it's never autopilot. I think maybe this is why it's so much easier for neurotypical people to get more stuff done, they don't have to be thinking about it as they're about to do it/doing ir. they can just do it.
Yesss!! It's like, in tech speak, having to actually read every command prompt (and actually read it out to yourself in your head) as you go rather than the system just running it in the background.
Just found your channel, I was diagnosed with ad/HD when I was 47.i wish I'd known earlier and been able to do something about it. I'm 61 now and I'm just about dealing with it so I'm comfortable and can be more productive. But I struggle sometimes. Thanks for your channel.
I got on adhd meds in my 30s for several months and that let me form a habit / autopilot for tying the left shoe. only the left one tho, and only after I put it on. that's how I learned how habits are supposed to work. EDIT: for the context, I've been wearing laced shoes since I learned to tie them as a kid, so yes, that's something I had been doing everyday for decades. it still took adhd meds to make a habit out of tying the left one.
@@user-bj2lu9qt3oyes. That's one reason people take meds. To get the autopilot to function properly. But they are best taken in tandem with therapy. Pills and skills are important team mates
I got autopilot like that for cleaning up the kitchen when i'm on meds, but not much else 😅 It is easier to start on tasks tho, which is usually the most excruciating part of the effort
@@user-bj2lu9qt3omaybe depending on how the meds work, if they're instant or controlled release Either way once you're off for some time you'll most likely lose the habits, at least it happens for me and very quickly Instant release meds work the best for me but once i stop taking them regularly even existing is torture haha But probably also depends on how bad the adhd hits you and where I have rly fucked up executive functioning and my short term memory could very well not exist at all Even on meds i'm barely functioning most of the time, can only do so much before i get stuck
I have ADHD and so does my son. Its taken the last year or so for me to realize just how different our ADHD is. He has a much more debilitating form... for years I just felt he was being disrespectful/oppositional due to being a teen. I feel such guilt knowing that I lost my patience so quickly on so many occassions when he just needed more support. My ADHD is so frustrating, but my autopilot has at least gone to flight school and flunked out....my son's autopilot is the pigeon from "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus."😂
This has been the exact same with me and my daughter. We are both diagnosed with autism but hers is way way more debilitating. Especially in the beginning there was so much clashing especially birthing from much frustration on my end thinking she was being oppositional but realizing what she actually needs is a much higher of support because her functionality is at a much different level than mine. I am without a doubt that she has ADD and I believe I do also, once again, at different ends of the spectrum.
My phone has a third button for the voice assistant (just below the lower volume button) that I've only ever used accidentally when trying to adjust the volume...
@@biaberg3448I finally got it when I realized that the upper of the two controls made the phone volume go up and the lower button made it go down! Brilliant idea 😂
For the underwear and socks thing I've come up with a good strategy. I order things in the order I put them on or in the order that they are on my body from top to bottom. That means the socks are at the very bottom because it's logical to put on your socks last and since the socks are put on your feet and your feet are at the bottom of your body. I had them in reverse order for a while. I would always draw the wrong drawer.
Unless you wear skinny jeans or leggings. Then the socks need to go on before the pants. So socks are actually first or second and sometimes not at all depending on the outfit. So depending on your style that organization method might not work.
I've always just done this without thinking about it. It just makes logical sense. I only have 3 drawers beside the bed. Top - bras (& crap) Middle - pants. Bottom - socks (too many and the fun fluffy ones don't fit :-( ) . Now if I could only get the bloody things to shut, it would be good.😂 (Maybe the guilty paperwork I've hidden in there doesn't help hmm)
How about having the sock drawer be a half sock and half underwear drawer...and the underwear drawer be a half underwear and half sock drawer? That way, regardless of which drawer you open ~ you get both in one. 🥰 I realize this solution won't help in other areas. But it would help with this one area.
My autopilot is totally flying drunk. Its always taking me around my arse to get to my elbow. Pulling the socks drawer every time I want undies would be my autopilot taking the wheel. after i organized drawers, if i pulled the wrong drawer to get to the right one, my autopilot would have decided that was how its done. its too late, the path made, course has been set. Bc why not add an extra unnecessary step & get annoyed w/ myself every time i want clean underwear 🤦♀️😅 This is one reason why im terrible w/ directions. If i initially made it to said destination some convoluted way, it takes an act of congress to learn the more direct route
Yeah. Exactly. And that makes life basically unlivable. Everything is a nightmare everyday. It's endless. And I want to be out of here. You've been blessed to have a partner in life and one apparently good one...
I did not know that! unless I’m on my medication, which greatly slows my thoughts, it’s 100 thoughts a minute and I have to snap back to do things. Feel like I’ve been in the shower for 15 mins with racing thoughts, but it’s been 5 and I haven’t done anything but stand in the water.
It has a flip side! My friend asked me how can some people keep doing the same thing over and over without thinking if it can be optimised? We both get bored of jobs after several months but we learn as much as some people learn in years. If we are interested of course 😅
Girl, I feel you! I want a new auto-pilot that works, too. I'm 60 yrs old & still can't tell you which drawers hold what clothes. I even put up a hanging clothes rack in my bedroom because I kept wearing the same clothes everyday, forgetting that I have a walk-in closet full of clothes! And showers? Those happen maybe 2 times a week. Three if I'm having an exceptionally good week. It's just so frustrating. I'm so happy I found this channel. Imagine living for 60 yrs on this earth just thinking that you're completely hopeless & losing heart all the time because everyone else in your life doesn't understand you & all think you're just a "ditzy broad".....to the point that you also have come to believe this. And now I'm at a time in my life where I have to take medication for health purposes. It's really scary when you can't remember if you've already taken it or not. It could actually be fatal either way! 😱😰 Thank you for letting us know we're not alone & also for helping us with daily advice. God bless you both. Love & respect from Texas 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
I just wanted to pop in and say I adore you both, and I wanted you to know that finding your content has helped me tremendously. I appreciate what you guys do and I’m glad that you have each other and that you have gotten the diagnosis you needed in order to start working with, instead of against yourself. Realizing what the issue is has lead me to a path of self discovery and ability to make positive change. I wish this for all of us ADHDers! Love you all!
The shower part is so relatable. Often things as simple as having a shower feel overwhelming because there are 300 steps involved in the process. Neurotypical people don’t even notice the steps they just do it. I have to think through every action. I never understood people who think showers are relaxing.
I sometimes think you and my 'as-yet-undiagnosed' daughter are the same person. Dirty Laundry was a complete eye opener for me and has made life much easier for her
This is also very interesting because I've recently been diagnosed with autism after asking for evaluation on that and ADD but I have a lot of ADD nuances. I create autopilot systems for myself so I don't consistently forget/misplace things - I create a process for most of my tasks that I can follow without effort keeping too many things on my brain plate that actually need thinking brain function.
If you're consistently checking the wrong drawer every day, then may I suggest switching the drawers? Instead of trying to train yourself (your autopilot) to do something different, arrange your environment to accommodate your autopilot if you can. I like Adam Savage's approach to organization: when deciding where to put things, ask yourself, "if I was looking for this right now, where would I look?" - and the first place you would check Is where it should go. (Or second place, if the first place is full)
I don't think you understand the problem. The issue is that the autopilot doesn't remember which drawer it's in so it will just check _a_ drawer which means it'll sometimes be right, sometimes be wrong regardless if how you arrange it. I have had this problem my whole life with drawers, cupboards, pockets, everything. For my clothes, the solution I found was shelves because you can just see everything.
@@bagodrago That's the problem you struggle with; I don't think you can be so sure that it's the same thing she struggles with. For the problem you describe, I agree that my suggestion probably wouldn't help. Personally, I never get dressed on autopilot: I am always consciously thinking about what pieces of clothing I need. So I never open the wrong drawer because I am actively thinking "I need a shirt now; shirts are in the 2nd drawer from the top; open the 2nd drawer from the top and get a shirt". I know which drawer to open because I put my shirts in the place that makes sense to me and I remember where that is. I am also always consciously thinking about each step when I take a shower; the idea of showering on autopilot is crazy to me. I very much related to her on that. I mostly get things mixed up when I am used to them being in a certain location, but they get reorganized. When I do rely on autopilot, this is where it mostly gets messed up because it takes me a really long time to get used to changes in my surroundings like that. Since he said that she chooses the wrong drawer "every day", it sounded to me like she does have a consistent subconscious instinct about where she expects the thing to be. But it is possible that it isn't literally every day and is actually a 50/50 crapshoot each time. Anyway, both issues are very common with ADHD and I don't think it's quite clear from the video which one she is talking about. But hopefully some people find my suggestion helpful, anyway.
Some days I might want socks first and the next day underwear. I don't think swaping would work for me. Labels are a great solution. I've got draws with frosted glass fronts. I try and make things visual to avoid having to play guessing games.
Oh wow. I know my autopilot is ...a bit wonky. But I'm a visual thinker and tend to think in story boards, so in a way it doesn't seem like ...wait...I think I'm trying to deceive myself.
I've seen videos that talk about how ADHD can mask autism but in considering autopilot I think I have an example of how autism can mask ADHD. I suspect my drive to create order and systems as part of my autism helps here. For example with my dresser I have the drawers arranged with the clothes for the top of my body highest, then I have underwear and shorts below, then pants below that, and finally socks at the very bottom. So the layout of my body indicates where in the dresser I need to go.
Perhaps I don’t know enough about autism, but I also have an inordinate drive to create order and systems. I’m an ADHDer, but maybe I should look into autism to see if I have more to learn about myself. I do, though, actually believe that the order/systems characteristic was a result of the upbringing I had… As a coping/survival mechanism, I have always felt desperately the need to make sure no one ever found fault in me (thanks Mom!). So I HAD to figure out how to not mess up (aka, how to prevent constant ADHD calamities). My main efforts went into -being prepared, and -figuring out logical systems of doing routine habits (to make room in my brain for all the stuff that isn’t routine). Like I said, my sense of survival depended on those those things, so I am very much wired that way.
As someone who has adhd, my autopilot definitely is similar. If I focus on that aspect of myself, it’s usually because my brain doesn’t know to focus on the task or some visualization of an idea I also have going on at the same time.
There is autopilot on so many things you never consider. Whenever my depression deepens my autopilot gets more broken. For example while doing the dishes things keep falling out of my hands, because I forget to properly hold them.
You too?!!! I drop things allll the time because I don’t grip firmly. My hand strength is fine, for me it’s the lack of paying attention to the task at hand (no pun intended). I’ll try to observe myself to see if it worsens when depression hits.
I have had to subscribe to your channel ❤️ I am 42 years old and have NEVER fully understood my ADHD. I was told I just have a learning disability and need to learn to sit still. I can't tell you how much you have meant to me. I thought there was seriously something wrong with me. Thank you so much for helping me understand ❤️ so much love, thank you!!
I love a good (late!) breakfast with the familiy, but I am lost with preparing all the things. Meanwhile I have a kind of rhyme I babble to myself, when I lay the table, including all the things I need for breakfast. That has become such an automatism that I babble the "breakfast rhyme" in any overwhelming situation. It's quite irritating to pack one's luggage babbeling about marmelade and coffee 😂
Quick comment before I overthink it's importance and start creating All the possible scenarios in my head then delete it.. Thank you for all you do. Your videos started appearing one day and have helped me grow so much. It's so odd turning 33 last week only to discover myself for the first time in the longest time.. Ever 🙃
OMG IS THIS WHATS WRONG WITH ME. For the love all that is holy I have been trying my entire life to figure out why everyone else seems to just have their sh*t together and wtf I can't seem to do anything right. I wish I could count the ways in a regular day how often my autopilot fails or just isn't there. Like Roxanne I have to remember what belongs where everytime and in order to have some semblance of auto pilot everything has to remain exactly where it belongs and in the correct order it needs to be or it will screw me up, confuse me and then frustrate the hell out of me cause it wasn't correct the first time. ARgghghgh. So frustrating, I havent been tested or anything but seriously if I find out at 48 yrs old I am ADHD, I swear I will call my mother, my siblings, my ex, and everybody else who's ever snidely asked me "WTF is wrong is you" when I screwed up and me feel like crap about myself and straight up tell all of them go f*** themselves and shove it their faces that ya aholes something is wrong with now eff off and leave me alone.
Wow. How did I never make this connection? I knew I suck at habit formation, but I just dismissed it as an ‘annoyed at forced structure’ thing. Broken autopilot is the best explanation for my mental load I’ve ever heard.
I think that having visual memory for drawers helps me a bit but i still have to think about which one, but if someone puts things in the wrong place it makes me so upset, probably because they added more decisions to my tasks. . For the shower I tried really hard to make myself a routine pattern for drying off every single time the same order so that it almost feels like autopilot.
I've discussed this with my husband, and likened it to our brains running like a computer program. I have to 'read the code' with absolutely every single thing, while he is proficient with all the 'hot keys'.
I just want to thank you two. My mother in law has ADHD and you have given me a peek inside her brain so I can understand some of her quirks a little better.
It's the inhibition regulation disorder that leads to an overwhelming state of the brain that creates brain crashes that disconnect the frontal lob of the brain (executive fonctions, emotions and decisions regulation, etc and the autopilot ability) that would lead to a zoning out state or seizures, etc, and it makes the autopilot non available and non working. And that basically is making life a nightmare.
I’ve read this three times and I don’t understand; I think I just don’t understand well enough how the brain functions. It’s food for thought though, and you’ve prompted me to research this further.
YES! My autopilot is broken too!!! It gets so frustrating opening the wrong drawers on my dresser. Top one is easy, it is the thinnest one, so socks, underwear. Next drawer is the biggest, again easy, jeans and other pants. The last three are all the same size and I am always confusing them!!
My largest doom pile is my creativity pile, or piles if I separate special interests... but it's about the only thing I've made so impossibly complicated I have to hopscotch to carry on one discussion about a world building project a long time friend and I have been developing. The idea of not being able to automatically navigate my own home brought that to mind.... otherwise, there are so many systems in place in my house that most everything is on reminder based autopilot. So still broken but a guided sort of broken...
For years and years before I knew what adhd was I would say things like "I don't have autopilot" and of course no one ever understood. It's SO validating to hear you talk about it. 💙
I heard on a Instagram Reels review on the ‘I’m Autistic Now What, and the thought of even trying to get to the shower is overwhelming. I wake up and my head is already spinning with what I need to do vs. the dopamine hits that my mind wants. It is the worst time for me to try to focus. So I suffer from inertia, and just read or do mind games (word puzzles and sudoku puzzles) before I can contemplate getting up. The joys of AuDHD
I have an autopilot, but only for specific tasks. Cycling for example goes on autopilot. But chores don't. Chores are always active. Making food, active. Getting ready in the morning, active. Some of them I'm straight up unable to put on autopilot, but some I can't let autopilot take care of because I'll forget everything important if I do 😅
I have a double light switch at the top of my stairs - one switch for the bathroom, one for the landing. I've lived here for 24 YEARS and I still get them wrong! 😂😂😂
Showering has always been so hard for me. One thing that I do when I’m feeling really overwhelmed is that I seperate washing my hair and washing my body. For my hair I only wash it once every 10 days or so depending on the time of year (wet hair and winter are my arch nemesis) and I wash my body every other day (try to) I hate having wet hair but it’s less of a sensory issue if my body is dry.
I've also come to this great realization too. I also have POTS which makes putting my hands up to wash my hair in the hot shower EXhausting. If I need to do a full shower, all I want to do afterward is crawl into bed and nap and many times I do.
I feel this. Habits are basically an autopilot system and its very difficult and often has been impossible for me to build habits. ADHD meds helped some, I can more easily so the dishes and brush my teeth every day. But its like my autopilot only has so much RAM i need to drop a habit in order to make room for a different one. I've read into habit formation A LOT and I think I understand the science of it at least on a laymen level. Its not a lack of desire, if anything I wish for it more than anything in the world. Yet I still cant consistently do all the things Im supposed to do.
The not being to shower on autopilot is so true!!! I've had instances where I would do that and I would do things like repeat steps (i.e. pour shampoo on my hand when I already shampooed my hair) or worse, just stand there doing nothing for a free minutes before realizing that.
I have autopilot for some things I think but not for others. I drove to my work instead of the piano teacher because they are in the same general area, and my underthings are in the top drawer but I can never get some of the other drawers right. Brushing my teeth is weirdly hard so I put the toothbrush/paste in the shower.
I have an issue with turning on the wrong burner on my stovetop. There's sinking dot diagrams to indicate front left, back left, back right, front right but I still mess it up so frequently it's scary.
I have no idea why, but those diagrams are really hard for me to figure out, especially one side for me. I have to study it Every darn time like it's new.
You are not alone. I have to stare at the knobs for 20 seconds or longer to work out which one to turn. And I sometimes still get the wrong one. I am cracking up as I write this😂
How interesting, thank you! I wondered why I could never form habits. Interestingly, my father was a high functioning ADHDer and he thrived in new environments. He needed change all the time. Talking about drawers, he used to move furniture around like every couple of weeks. I took after him and I loved it because it gave me such a joy of new beginnings. My neurotypical mom hated it because she couldn't find anything, so they made an agreement that he didn't touch the kitchen where she could indeed move on autopilot, reaching for things without even thinking. And the idea of "autopilot" absolutely numbed his creative brain....
I think our auto pilot is just designed for the opposite tasks: We might not clean a spill or fold the laundry without serious effort But we might: Start a project Quit a project Get curious Find all the information ever Do all the things on all the screens Learn how to (sorta) do all the skills And even clean a mess we had been avoiding to avoid something that feels even harder:more important/urgent.
Yep! The drawer! The wrong one every single freaking time! It's like my brain does it on purpose 🤦♀️ And if I do things on autopilot, I forget to do stuff or do it in the wrong order and sometimes have to start over. The only thing that my autopilot does correctly is to take the keys when I leave the house. My mother taught me to always lock the front door behind me so I'd be forced to unlock it before leaving and would therefore have the key in my hand ready to pull it out to lock the door behind me again when I step outside, so I never forget my keys 🥳 However this does mean that if you visit me and I have to run an errand I WILL lock you up without giving it a second thought 😂
**Undiagnosed, 37 and family in denial** Sometimes auto pilot works for me, but most times it's quite faulty. I get very annoyed when I open the wrong drawer, cus i know which one it is. Oddly enough, I'm okay with horizontal organization, but vertical I often pick the wrong drawer or shelf. I can do it if I'm paying attention, but not on autopilot.
haha... in the neurotypical manual! I am right there with you! autopilot is broken! I do find that I can form habits (such as this is the sock drawer) but only if I think about it every time for a lot of times first. Thanks for all you do on this channel. This is important work. ADHD is so much more than being unable to concentrate in school.
Now this is interesting. I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult (sure I had it as a child, but mental health didn’t seem to be an every day thing with kids in the 80s. We were told to sit down, shut up, and pay attention). I rely very heavily on routine to get through my day, which I would call autopilot. There’s even an order to the way I get clean when I shower (shampoo, face, bar soap on privies, bodywash everywhere else, then razor). If it’s out of order I really have to think to make sure I got everything (including rinsing off the shave cream)….. wondering the difference (though I always open the wrong drawer for my socks).
My auto pilot is buggered too, I really want to spend the weekend with you guys so bad hahahaha you make things make sense so I can then explain them to those around me. ❤
I feel like neurodivergents and neurotypicals both have the same amount of thoughts, it’s just that neurotypicals just don’t have to deal with as many of the thoughts, because they stay in the subconscious mind (autopilot). But for us neurodivergents we use so much more processing power because our conscious mind is flooded with all of these thoughts that are supposed to be subconscious as well as the conscious ones. Our brains don’t filter properly. So all the thoughts keep crowding out our brains and overwriting each other. So we can’t focus enough to form working memory.
My autopilot sucks too. Good to know I'm not the only one who does this all the time. If I go on autopilot while driving, who knows where I'll end up. I can think to myself, I need to go to Walgreens, but while driving, my autopilot checks in for a bit, and I'm driving somewhere else. I'll miss my turn, and be like...WTH am I going??? This happens A LOT, especially when distracted.
Oh, this is so me. Every time I get ready for work, it’s like I haven’t done it before. 1-2 hours pass before I can force myself into the shower. The outfit I strong armed myself to put together and hang in the closet the past evening, cannot be found. Anywhere! The many trips up and down the stairs, carrying, leaving and looking for needed objects. Forcing my brain to let me transition from one task to the next. Forgetting to eat until it’s already 5 minutes past the time I should have left. Into the car, without a packed lunch, only to remember that the tank is on empty…… All of this, even when I spend countless hours trying to organize and reorganize myself and put systems in place. Most mornings it ends in tears, self loathing and a ball of stress in my stomach. In my twenties, as a single mother (husband left because I couldn’t keep our place organized and meals on the table, in addition to university and caring for our 5 year old) I also had to put my adhd son through his routines, keep track of papers and dates, etc. It was impossible and I hated myself for all of the ways I couldn’t be a proper mother. All of the teachers and other mothers looked at me sideways as well. I’m semi retired now and only work 1 day/week because I was so miserable putting myself through it everyday. Unfortunately, needing to get ready only once per week has made moving through the routine exponentially harder. I enjoy my work once I get there, but dread it as well, as it requires a high degree of executive functioning. The money is nice, but ready to give up. 60 year old female. Diagnosed at 55, when I brought myself to a psychiatrist. None of the psychologists I sought help from through the years twigged that I had adhd. They all, in their Freudian way, wanted to blame my (lovely) mother. Feel like my brain has robbed me of close relationship (self isolation due to hyper focus) and a good life. So much pain. Thank you two for all that you do. It is a blessing to finally begin to understand my struggles and you have been a part of that. ❤🙏
x😂😂 IM SCREAMING. lit every convo i have with my bf and ur vids keep popping up. having him hear the video and not force him to watch he actually picked up on a few things with how my motivation gap works. and how more strefful it is when im being rushed or told to do things that stress me out over and over. and sometimes i just need a hug and a long pout cuz this brain is really tiring. i also have celiac disease so im always sick and tired and just kinda wanna disintegrate into thin air tbh.
I have had no official diagnosis but al my friends are neurodiverse and the ones who aren’t have trauma. I am stunned by this video. I am consciously aware ALL the time and have an active fear of falling into Autopilot in social situations where (let’s face it) we can really let ourselves down, or at least it feels that way. I’ve had shitty feedback about my relational clumsiness more than once and it hurts because I honestly couldn’t be trying any harder to not crap it up. That brief moments or two where Autopilot might make an appearance she can do me a real disservice and I will ruminate on all the times I’ve had it pop up and take the wheel, I will go to incredibly dark places wondering what my Autopilot might have done to offend anyone and berate myself over and over again even when no one has made a suggestion I’ve messed up. I’ve never considered it a lack of Autopilot before, I have considered I’m aware ALL the time and have come to realise others are not and that they can rely on their wiring to get them through the day and speak with others and show up for work or people in very acceptable ways without ever having to really consider it, I can see that but never realised it was The Autopilot thing and THIS is an effing revelation to me.
Omg! The shower thing hit hard!!!!! I am a clean freak and have great hygiene, but the shower is a struggle every day of my life unless it's freezing outside, and I need to get warm! It's way too repetitive and boring!😂 Thank you for all you do!!!!!
I often wonder if I'm developing early onset dementia because I can't even take a shower properly if there are other thoughts than 'now soap, now shampoo, now toothbrush' in my head. Sometimes I forget to shave the other armpit because my head is busy thinking of things.
My autopilot made me pour cornflakes in my cup of tea and put the kettle in the fridge, apparently making the same breakfast I've had for decades of cornflakes and a cup of tea, is still too much to ask! And when they mentioned taking a shower, another "I thought that was just me moment" showers take so much concentration and "work" for me 😅
I wish I could help my therapist understand the autopilot issue. She keeps telling me to build certain self-care habits into my “routine” and cannot understand why it’s so hard for me to implement them regularly. I WISH it was that easy for me, but no. After almost EVERY task, I have to make a conscious decision about what the next task should be and how I should do it. If I don’t have the energy to force myself to do it, or the reward isn’t immediate or tangible enough, my executive functioning will basically shut down and I’ll get stuck in stimming mode, sometimes for HOURS! So frustrating 😤
I have a notebook where I wrote down a bunch of tasks and the task breakdowns step-by-step... I was obviously hyperfocused when I did this lol... But my boyfriend was like "why do you need a task breakdown? Doesn't it just happen?" And I told him "no, every time I do a 'simple task' this is what goes on in my mind and sometimes I forget or skip steps so if I write out each step i wont get as overwhelmed because I know where and how to start" he was flabbergasted that i still need to follow step-by-step instructions to do things i have done every day for decades... Don't even get me started on non-daily tasks
Literally told my husband an hour ago that I need a treasure map to find my clothes. I've tried using stickers. Problem is, they only work if things stay where they belong. Which they don't. Ever. And I finally gave up and just combined all of the socks, underwear and tank tops into the 3 drawers that I tried to use to keep them separate.
Neurodivergent can build autopilot. It just takes much longer time and discipline (lol). I have ADHD, and I am struggling for almost every daily task. But I feel completely different when I am in my car ready to drive. I do not have to think about every movement. It just comes so naturally. Real meaning of autopilot. Somehow, I started to think that ADHD people should learn their daily tasks same way we learn to drive. To repeat with an instructor the same movement again and again and again.
