I was adopted when I was three. I didn’t technically go through foster care, but I was abandoned at a church by the second family I lived with. I also lived with two families after that before I was adopted by my parents. My parents met me for the first time when I went to live with them. I didn’t talk for almost 6 months. I was still in diapers and had a pacifier. I’m nearly 32, and this is still something I struggle with. Adoption is trauma. Please never use the narrative “you’re mom loved you so much she gave you up.” That elicits the concept that if someone loves you, they will leave you. Until age 19 refused to sleep at another person’s home because I felt like my parents wouldn’t be there in the morning. I never knew why because as mentioned, I didn’t cognitively understand what had happened to me. Connecting with people has always been an absolute nightmare for me. I appreciate that you made this video.
Oh wow thank you for sharing your story and perspective! I totally understand why hearing "your mom loved you so much she gave you up" would be so confusing to a kid. Sending love your way!
Part of our foster care training talked about how kids in foster care need the foster/adoptive parent to build the connection that they need by going back and doing thing you would do with an infant. Like holding them while they drink a cup/bottle, the extra cuddling, and things like that.
We are foster to adopt parents and just had 2 littles placed who have been in the system for a year in 5 different homes, they are 2 and 3 and have a 10 month old sibling placed separately. Likely all 3 will have parental rights termed in March and baby will come join our home then. Pray for me.
@@adoptinformed Thank you. They had to leave their last placement due in part to having trouble bonding. Which, yeah! How could they not have bonding issues? Family therapy starts in 2 weeks. Thank you for your vids they have been reassuring to say the least.
@@valleygirltotallyforsure Wow a year ago.?. We finalized adoption of the 2 this last March, 1 year to the day, after parental rights were termed. Their adoption worker decided to place baby in a different home forever due to M (my now adopted daughter, who was 3 at the time of the decision) and J (now adopted son, 2 at the time) having such high level of needs. J had severe, untreated, asthma. M was so underweight, she wasn't even on the percentile chart. More than physical, their behaviors were a huge factor in baby not joining us. M was violently possessive of me, and would hurt her brother or the animals if I paid them too much attention. J was closed off so that holding him in my arms to cuddle made him flip out. We found out that at one of their placements they, and the 3 other foster kids in the home, had been SA.d by the teenage bio son. M has had a lot of acting out in that regard. Now a year on, J's asthma is under control. M still struggles with eating but is on the percentile chart now🥳 18 months and they have never been away from myself or my wife except to sleep and J asks "can I be a baby?" When he wants to be held and rocked, he makes eye contact now and seeks attention, where before it was like he was scared to be noticed. M has accepted that I am but 1 person with lots of souls depending on me (we have small farm with 36 animals) and has stopped lashing out when I need to care for others, and is a great help keeping the goats out of trouble. Thank God for therapy, for them for sure. But even more for me, pretty sure I'd have lost my marbles by now if not for my therapist. I think we are in a really good place to take baby now, but it wasn't fair to make her wait another year without permanency. It breaks my heart they don't get to grow up together and that she was adopted to a couple that live almost 6 hours away, but it was the right decision 💔
It's very differentiated and evolved of you to accept your daughter's attachment to her foster mother. As a social worker I've seen many adoptive moms take these actions as the child rejecting the adoptive mom.
Hi! Im here 3 years later but I’ve been trying to adopt a little girl and I’ve got conformation that I’m eligible to take custody of her. I’m so glad that I’m able to adopt her and she’s officially moving in about 2 weeks. She’s so smiley and I love that I can help her get out of her past situation
My husband and I have a 3 year old girl and are planning the adoption of a second child. A lot of what is discussed in the video is very helpful information; particularly what is said about the child grieving and transitioning is very useful information. Every situation and every child is different, and in a way it would probably be an advantage for us to have already experienced 'normal' toddler behaviour. That said, our little girl has never been really naughty, she's extremely well-behaved, but she is also extremely shy in public. Even after almost two years of attending nursery she has only spoken a few words to the staff there, whereas at home she is a chatterbox. She happily walks into nursery now though, whereas the clinginess (even inside the house, if I was moving from one room to another without her) has been a thing with her too. Dropping her off at nursery even for two afternoons at first was nearly impossible.. the panic and clinginess was real. At home, even now, if she is downstairs in the living room and I am upstairs folding laundry for example, after a few minutes she'd call "mum?" or come upstairs with whatever toy she's playing with to be near me. She's also at an age now where she doesn't want to play by herself anymore, which is one of the reasons we started thinking about adopting. We now it's going to be tough but these kind of videos are great in helping us prepare, so thank you!
This video brought tears to my eyes. My adopted mom didn't understand what you're explaining. I was found on the steps a police station. I'm an adult & just found out a few months ago from my brother that I might have had 2 foster parents before I was adopted on top of my biological parents & I don't know who any of them are & don't know what the name of the police station was etc. I've often felt an ache of sthing missing in my heart throughout my life & I've often felt it had to do with not knowing who my biological parents are, but it's prolly also bcus I don't know who or if there were foster parents I'm mourning also. Thank you for this beautiful, wise video. I read that the most VITAL time for ppl to be able to trust the world's a safe place is btwn 0-2 years. A child who has lost biological parents & foster parents has learned early on that losing ppl is normal for them & most likely don't want to get close to anyone & make it harder to get closer to someone new. Her rejecting you is treating you how she was treated & is also testing you to see if you'll stick around when no one else did It's so true too. I never really thought much about being adopted as a child-teenager even though I'm Asian & my adopted family is white. But as an adult it's much different.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I can only imagine the complexities of being an adoptee…I am so thankful for your encouraging words and your vulnerability!
I adopted 3 siblings thru foster care. The were 1, 2, and 4 years old. The 4 year old is a girl. She remembers and has triggers. I have a therapist that helps us with them. She tears things up, She is more mature that other children. She course took on the mother role. It took a year to get her to trust us and release the role. She calls us mommy and daddy with ease. But now after 4 years she is using negative things to get reactions. Testing me is her goal, so she can be sent back. Man it's a struggle. I feel for you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This video is our life right now. Thanks for taking the time to upload this content - we have two toddler foster sons who we are trying to adopt - and we just got their 2 sisters as well. They are our first placements and we are drowning at times. We needed to hear all of this.
Just order the book, now waiting for it to come in the mail I've been actually wanting to but the Toddler Adoption book since I was 18 years old (I'm 24 now) hopefully next year or in 6th months I'll have my finances thought out and I'll be able to adopt. . Not going to lie I was a little skeptical about your video before I started watching it But after the first few minutes I was like okay you're saying a lot of stuff I expected from researching for years
I'm a single mom of a 3yo. I'm just starting the adoption process and would totally like to adopt a 3-6 yo. I'd love to have more inputs, so if anyone reading it has any suggestion pls comment. Also thank you so much dor your lovely, interesting and in parta also moving video. 🧡
Thank you for sharing your story & experiences with us. For my husband and I your the first youtuber to make this feel possible. ( idk if that makes since ) Keep up the great work lot of love to you and your beautiful family
People underestimate the utter depths of knowing that humans have. I knew a little baby who had cleft palate and she had difficulty eating and she would choke every time she tried to drink from her bottle and it was very difficult and I have never heard an infant cry with so much sorrow. There is a cry that is "I need something" and then there's a cry of "my life is difficult". Humans may not have the words, but they DO experience the feelings and the sorrow and knowing that something is not right. This is also true for children that have been abused- it affects their soul
Thank you so much for this! It's really eye-opening to realize that children that have gone through such different experiences as this are going to have to be parented differently and have different and strong needs
Me and my husband have a similar story as y’all! We have started our foster to adopt process and this child would be our first! You’re videos are super helpful, not very many people I’ve seen have no children when they adopt, I am glad I found your channel! What state are y’all from?
So glad you found it helpful 😊 We are from Ohio! Yeah, it is definitely hard to find videos about people adopting their first child (unless it is infant adoption)!
La Casa de Katie oh okay, nice we are from Texas 👍 just waiting for our first placement, your videos have a lot of good information! How did y’all deal with telling your family’s? Did they think y’all were crazy, ours certainly do!
Some people thought we were crazy, for sure! We made an announcement by sending a letter in a "Q&A" format answering questions that we knew a lot of people would have. I think that helped a lot! I might have to make a video about that sometime :)
I feel like the takeaway and sober reality is that adoption is 100% selfless that at least for a long time, you will get nothing out of it but treasure in heaven 💙💙💛 what a blessing and gift
Yes, we did learn about attachment styles in our trainings :) Our daughter definitely falls in that category. I just wanted to give people who are inexperienced with adopting an idea of what it can be like (because a lot of people think adopting a toddler is easy and that they won’t have any issues compared to an older kid).
This is a weird question. I’m a child (10 years old) and I want to convince my parents to adopt a younger sister for me. And I don’t know how to convince them. I want to show them that I can also help take care of them (I want to take care of them). I don’t want to be a younger sibling anymore(it’s lonely) and I really like toddlers, also, when my Aunt comes to where I live to stay for Christmas, she has a baby that’s 1 years old, and I play with him and feed him. But he can’t always stay. I want a younger sibling. How do I take care of a 2 or 3 year old child? I want to prove to my parents I can help so maybe it convinces them more!
Aww that’s so sweet! I think you could always start out by asking if your parents have ever considered adopting. That will let you know where they currently stand on the idea. I have heard of kids around your age getting jobs as “mother’s helpers” for family friends. Basically you play with and hang out with their young children while the mom can get some housework done. That or babysitting might be a good place to start 😊
@@chii__. that does make it hard! I definitely think it's worth asking your parents if they have ever thought about adopting. Or tell them about an adoption story you have watched or heard about on youtube to get a conversation started. Even if they don't adopt, maybe that's something you will want to do when you grow up! :)
Your writing skills are very good for 10 years old! Good job! I loved to write when I was your age, and I still do. Good writing skills are important. I’m an only child. I used to want a younger sibling too.
What you described as your daughter's behaviour is the ambivalent attachment style. It is very common for an ex-foster child to not be securely attached to his/her new parents, especially in the first months and years. But I should mention, that there are other insecure attachment styles - namely avoidant and disorganized - wich can occur when you adopt a toddler. An avoidant child wont be so clingy like your daugther, quite the opposite in fact - they can look like they don't care if the new parent is with them or not. That can be also difficult for the parent, because he/she can feel that the child doesn't love him/her. Another problem can be that the behaviour confuses the parent, who thinks that the child is a little introvert, who loves to be left alone, but avoidant children can feel just as much stress as the clingy ambivalent children, they've only learnt how to mask it. This type usually occurres when the child was neglected or was placed at a grouphome, where he or she can't get enough attention, so he or she got used to being alone. The last and rarest type is the disorganized type. These children don't have a strategy for handling separation, so they could behave bizarrly. This often happens when the child was abused by the parents or if the parents have had some kind of psychological disorder. You can read more about attachment here: www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html
Sorry for being a smartass, I'm a psychologist, and I work with children in the system in my country. Just wanted to clarify this to future adoptive parents, that your experience is useful and valid, but not everyone will have a the same experience, because the children are from other backgrounds. Also, I really liked your video and it is so important, that you tell people about these difficulties, while being so encouraging.
I appreciate you sharing this! No worries:) I have learned about the attachment styles before, but I think it's a great point that I'm sharing this advice through the lens of our adoption and experiences will vary.
@@adoptinformed Sure, true, you can only share your own experiences authentically. Thank you for your response! I enjoy the channel very much though! :)
Thank you so much for your videos. They are so helpful. We have been matched and awaiting the transition period. The book looks like a great help too. Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you for this video. My boyfriend (gay couple) and I are considering adopting a child. Videos like yours are helping others get better informed. 🙂
@@alwaysbewhoyouare9592 I appreciate this video very much. For the person who made the above comment; I don’t think it’s fair to assume a gay couple can’t provide a loving and secure parenting relationship for a child. It’s about the quality of the attachment relationship ultimately. Thank you to @journeytoadoption for sharing about your own depth experiences in your videos.This is courageous and helpful to many.
I hope this isn’t crass or inappropriate but I’m looking at adopting a child through foster care and curious on how much it cost to adopt. Not that it is all about money but I am curious on the average costs so I can prepare for that cost!
Not inappropriate at all! I have some other videos about adopting from foster care you can check out, but it is usually either free or up to around $5,000 to adopt from foster care. It will depend on the state you live in and whether you go through an agency or the county.
Really insightful video. A tad bit on the negative side of all the things that are challenging. But I understand you’re trying not to romanticise the challenges that come with adopting a toddler. That said I have heard of really positive transitions with toddlers so I think it depends on a variety of things: the trauma they’ve been exposed to, the nature of the child, how transitions/ introductions were done, and so forth. I really don’t want people to be put off adopting toddlers - it’s not all awful!!!
Oh definitely! I'm not trying to say it is always super hard. But when I looked into adoption, I felt that the vast majority of videos you find on RU-vid only highlight the sweetest parts of adoption while the more difficult parts aren't talked about. I definitely hope that it doesn't scare people off from adopting toddlers...that's not my goal at all! We absolutely love our daughter and are so thankful we got the chance to adopt a toddler ❤
11:30 ish Clingy toddlers... You almost sound like you're talking about my cat. We got her at about 1 year old, after her family couldn't keep her anymore because their house burned down. This is the most clingy cat I have ever heard of.
Hello! Thank you so much for your videos. They are incredibly helpful! The post-partum blues part 1 video is unavailable. Could you repost this? Part 2 is available. Thank you so very much!!
You said you had to foster for 6 months . Was that your child or other children ? I’m considering adoption through foster care and I don’t believe my area has the rule of having to be a foster parent first.
We had to foster the daughter we adopted. She was in another foster home, and once we were chosen to adopt she moved in with us to be fostered before finalizing. I'm pretty sure it's standard across the US that you have to foster the waiting child you are adopting for 6 months before finalizing. It is still considered an adoptive placement, but it will not be Court official until after that 6 month period.
La Casa de Katie I guess I’m going to have to do more research because according to the Florida things I’ve read it said 90 day probation period then paperwork is submitted to court and it’s just a wait to process the adoption . Not that it’s a time period of 6 months. Was trying to research first but I just need to call :)
The first step is to either contact your county's children's services department or an agency that does foster to adopt :) they will connect you with classes you can take to get licensed. The social workers will walk you through the process from there! I might make a video on how to do that as well... So keep an eye out for that!
There are many reasons why foster parents choose not to adopt...I would say it is not usually about the money. In this case, the foster parents were in their 70s. They have been fostering nearly 50 years and have adopted multiple kids who are now adults. Even though they loved her so much they felt that it would be selfish of them to adopt her because they didn't know how long they would be around to care for her. We still have contact with them almost as grandparent figures.
@@adoptinformed Foster parents for 50 years! They must be exceptional people. Thank you for answering this other person's question, because I wondered that too.
