One formula for life I like is this: always be true to yourself, but be flexible in how you express your true self. Abed from community says "[once you know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people is not such a big deal]". Not identical, but it rhymes. If you can, it might be helpful to articulate to yourself which aspects of 'being you' is most important to you; then, be inflexible about those and (more) flexible about the rest. For example, if a pregnant woman were to request your seat in a bus, in your situation I might say "I'd love to help but I've got a bad knee and back problems and it would be painful; do you think you could find someone else?" The point of giving preference to pregnant women is that the discomfort to them of not sitting is non-trivially greater than the discomfort to _most_ people of not sitting. But your pain would make the normal calculation not apply, so you have a valid reason for saying no. Communicating that reason while encouraging her to use a strategy that'll likely enable her to achieve what she wants is-I think-a polite rejection. At least sufficiently polite. That way you're being true to your need for a seat, while also being accommodating and friendly towards the other person. That too is a good formula: don't back down from advocating for yourself, but be sure to also advocate for the other person if you reject them, or your situational interests go against theirs in some small way.
There will never be a bigger advocate for what I need than myself, so I have to do things...even things I dont want to, for the path of least resistance. But, I am getting more and more comfortable in doing what I need to, and not doing what is expected of me from others. But they suffer over wants I cannot and will not offer, and I benefit from my truth. People expect from you rather than seeing what you have to offer, that's the problem 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism > "People expect from you rather than seeing what you have to offer" I'm going to steal that, write it down and store it for safe keeping. Well spotted!
And its like a bargain between what you need and whats expected in some situation. Dont tell me you need to be professionel all the time in a job even. And yes unless you di advocate for yourself, well who else can better. Even of only compromises come out.
I found your channel quite recently and I've really found your videos incredibly helpful. Your honesty and ability to share your experiences is brave and you're helping a lot of people 👍
Just for piece of mind, there’s a least 1 dude in Arkansas that understands! It’s truly amazing for me to be able to relate so well to someone so far away! Keep doing what you feel is right and at least you’ll know you tried
another in NZ !! I feel we are so similar. It's rare to find people who are "normal ". THANKYOU for a sliver of hope. THANKYOU for putting your SELF out there (a bit). It's a scary thing. I really appreciate your work. Did I say Thankyou??
I was talking to a 'friend' on the spectrum and while mentioning wheat grass in my conversation, their response "tastes like @ss" 😂🤔😅 I've been known to be rude a time or two lol but I mask socially most of the time. At 59 y.o., I don't see myself changing. Take me as I am or move along. Live and let live
''I just can't be myself,'' AMEN !!! I haven't even watched all of this, but just YES!! Arguing with my husband this morning, again, because, yup I just can't be myself - I natter, I offend, I go off topic, I get emotional and overwhelmed over ''small'' things, etc. Yup, I just can't be myself. I feel so lonely and defective, all the time. It hurts.
I think that's the main point. Even at our most 'relaxed and comfortable', we still can't be ourselves when any other human is in the room. We never get to switch off.
I'm similar with the empathy portion! I oftne feel a little bit like I need to hide it, but not always. I think my black and white sense of justice and fairness plays into it. Even like, expecting my best friend to pay me a bit for using my gas since I always end up driving us to places. To me that's just fair? But I've been told it's cold and unempathetic...
I think if the world was more honest in general, honesty wouldn't hurt so much. It's the fact that we normalize faking everything that honesty stands out like a sore thumb, so when someone is finally honest, it hits harder. We just need to normalize it... and it would help a lot of people's mental health. You get to be more genuine, more you, and you won't take things so harshly because honesty is just normal.
Im a HUGE advocate for male mental health and feeling and crying! go for it! And it is odd that people think we aren't empathic. Maybe because we are so logical about matters. Idk. I agree and I'd never say it. But i agree. People need to try. When we were living in the car. We worked. We went through all the connections to get help with getting anything. and went we got an offer on an apartment we took it. Thats it in a not shell. it was SO much harder and degrading. But don't give up! The only time I was put off was when you said that debt doesn't have to happen. Unfortunately when i lost my job because of a work accident. It was choosing electric or food. So i used my credit card to keep us fed. Unfortunately i got covid 3 times and i cant get out of the debt. However, I just don't worry about it. It will be gone in 7 years. So no worries. Anyways i dont follow you because im offended. I follow you because you can say the stuff i wish i could. Its why i love my husband hes Super up front and i wanted ro be like that. Really ro jisy he who i was before i was scared of talking. So thank you Paul and keep it up.
That George pause was the best ever! This video nicely overlaps with "Water", at least that's how I interpret the song if that's alright (constant masking and the burden of it). Not a single thing you said seems offensive to me, but I lost a friend because of my honesty and I have hurt a couple of people because of my honesty, so I am careful now. I always drive in the middle lane but rather closer to 70 and I know precisely who the people are 😁 but who can you name now without an offence being taken by someone😁 And it's ok not to be ok😊
Haha, the middle lane drivers 😂 I'm the same, lost friends, people I've liked, all because I can't be true to myself. I feel better when I remember that if I was important to them too, then they wouldn't be so shallow. Glad the George pause went down well 😂
Hi Paul, thank you for sharing your feelings about this subject. That takes an incredibly strong person and it's very much appreciated! . . I am largely the female version of you, and I get you completely! I've watched a lot of your videos, and you even use many of the same words I use. I choose my words carefully, so as to get across adequately, what it is I am trying to express. With regards to you feeling there are people who hate you. . As a younger me I used to think this, but I later learned, that they had felt jealous and intimidated by my strength. Some people had also taken my quiet 'standoffishness', as me thinking that I was better than them! When I explained that nothing could be further from the truth, and that I often felt overwhelmed, in the moment, with verbal communication, they were very accepting of me. Due to my very different family dynamic and upbringing from yours, I literally had no choice but to teach myself how to act 'normal'. This did, however, come with the very heavy cost, of frequent meltdowns and severe anxiety and depression. There's no running away from the person that you are is there? However, with help, I have learned to be proud of and respect, the person that I am. I am a loving, caring, kind, compassionate, empathetic person, and I never want to change that! I don't like the title 'autistic', not because I'm ashamed of what and who I am, but because society has pathologized Autism as meaning 'less-than' and 'mentally lacking '. We have amazing intuition and skills! Yes we are different, but difference is to be celebrated and learned from, not pushed down and pathologized! Lots of love to you Paul 💖
Hi Helen, interesting perspective, and I fully agree with you. I know that if the people who dislike me sat opposite me and were forced to truthfully answer as to why they have a fierce dislike for me, they absolutely cannot blame it on anything I've done in a detrimental way. I've looked out for them, been there when they needed me etc, but one day they just go silent and avoid me. Then I hear through others how much they bad mouth me. It's okay to clash, I barely associate with anyone, but I don't hate on them for it. I just accept we're different. You've also said what I've thought for a while around Autism. Maybe I'll do a video on it one day as to why I dislike the entire Autism Spectrum Disorder name.
I laughed so hard. I laughed out loud. I’m still laughing. I found 22:40 to be hysterically funny. Maybe that’s a common saying about the chair, maybe not, but goodness I’m amused!! I agree so much with your points. I appreciated the puppy clip during your interruption. So sorry to hear that your last work day was difficult. I thought it might be. Hopefully you’ll get the best job that you truly enjoy. Thank you.
Glad you laughed, and glad the George interlude was well received. I can see many more of them these days as he's found his voice, and barks at his own wind breaking moments!
Hey Paul. Great video. Glad work is over for you and you are comfortable with your decision. As always seems to be the case, I agree with you on all of your points. I am a black and white thinker and so many conflicts seem so easy to solve in my mind. As for people, your three categories work well from my perspective. I feel I am normal, with good leanings. I can be taken advantage of as I am far too trusting and since I can’t “read” people I am an easy target. But, I can also be a real jerk😁. As for stimming, I stim where and when I need to. I have learned the importance of it and I no longer care what people think. I have mentioned that my fidget spinner goes everywhere with me, even at work. It has started a few conversations with people asking me why I use it and if it works. I understand your hesitancy of people staring , but I am older and tired of trying so hard to fit in. Empathy, I have too much! Hang in there Paul! You are on the precipice of another great adventure! Its filled with excitement, fear and tons of “what have I drone’s”. Fortunately your are talented and have a niche skill. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It helps me know I am not alone! I almost forgot! I loved the George, Vacuum interlude! Priceless!
Hey Bryan, Many thanks. I will always share my nonsense and hope some of it sticks out there and makes sense. It's all I'm after! I'm feeling the 'George Pause' will happen more frequently as he never shuts up these days!
Hi Paul, I’ve never found someone’s tales of autism (and the problems therein) so relatable. I’m 44 and I’m waiting to get a formal diagnosis. I’ve ‘been’ the problem because of honestly stating how I feel. I’ve told people bluntly why I won’t go to their wedding, and lost friends because of it. I’m a year into unemployment because of being unable to pretend to be normal at my work anymore. I didn’t realise everyone else didn’t find life borderline intolerable. Now I’m trying to push myself back into work because the alternative isn’t really an option for me financially. I’m still waiting for nhs mental health support 14 months later. Nothing’s changed, but now I’ve got to be ready to go back into the world. How I’m supposed to honestly present myself in an interview (I get anxious just thinking about it), when my self-belief has completely dissipated, I’ve no idea. I’m lucky that I’ve got a really supportive partner that earns just enough, and cares about me enough to help me get through this transition. But my heart goes out to anyone struggling to cope with situations like these. Anyway! The reason I say all that, is knowing that there are others out there experiencing similar situations and fighting through it, gives me hope to keep carrying on and striving for a future where I won’t any longer have to feel ashamed for not being what society wants me to be. Representation is important, and I see so many of my struggles passionately discussed in your videos. My imposter syndrome won’t even let me fully believe I am autistic, but our stories are so alike that I’m becoming more and more convinced. Thank you for these videos Paul, they’ve really helped me to understand myself. Keep doing that good work! PS obviously your dog is adorable (despite his relationship with cat litter).
This video really hit home for me, Paul! As a newly diagnosed autistic 60 year old woman, I've been watching alot of videos about autism, particularly this past year (I was just diagnosed 5 months ago). I have to say I find your take especially refreshing! While I appreciate that there is alot more openness and information available about autism these days, I get frustrated watching some other autism channels. So many autistic video creators nowadays advocate "unmasking", just "take off your mask and be yourself". That's all well and good, except that I've been masking for the past 6 decades, and up until recently I didn't even know I was doing it. Patterns of behavior are now very deeply ingrained, and I don't really know how to "be myself". Who am I, apart from the "self" that I project out to the world in order to be accepted?(although I've mostly failed miserably at being accepted; NT's can always sense something "different" about me, no matter what I do). And I resonate so much with what you said about how being yourself is offensive to the world. On the occasions when my mask slips and I decide to be honest, I apparently come across as offensive and rude. I wouldn't ever intentionally hurt someone, but sometimes the truth is just the truth, and it feels like a lie to say something otherwise.
It's tricky ground with some creators and especially communities today as they tell you how to be Autistic rather than accepting individual differences. Being open and honest will always win the day 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism Yes, that's it! Telling us "how to be autistic". I guess they forgot it's a spectrum! There are lots of individual differences. We all have different upbringings, different backgrounds. Some of us grew up in terribly abusive families, and/or suffered other types of abuse outside the home. Not to mention so many other different life experiences. All of these differences contribute to every autistic person's way of being in the world. I agree, being open and honest are never wrong, and I refuse to compromise on that!
I've stopped caring if people are offended by my genuine self as I know I am not being purposefully detrimental, but I've a bit to go to implement that across the board 👍🏻
Watched and completely agree with A LOT !! I offend, without meaning to and without even noticing. I get ghosted by people. I get told off. I stim. Yup, yup, yup and yet I cannot get diagnosed to save my life, haha! The irony! Thanks Paul!!!
Haha, well when the categories for diagnosis were put together by non autistic people, I don't really think using a non autistic mind is a good indicator as to whether someone is autistic or not! No wonder people cannot get diagnosed.
@@AdultwithAutism haha!! Agreed! I think the main reason why I can't get a diagnosis (besides the fact that I mask fairly efficiently in person and am female), is that they couldn't link it to my childhood (interviewing my parents couldn't be done) and I guess they kinda have the optic that if I've gone through life thus far without being diagnosed then it can't be that bad/is non-existent/why would I need a diagnosis if I've ''coped'' so long without one, etc.
That is a problem. Over here, it's not a mandatory part of the assessment process. I have masked forever, and even my own mum doesn't know the real me, so it would be pointless in interviewing anyone other than me when I'm fully unmasked.
@@AdultwithAutism I felt it was pretty absurb too, I mean you don't develop autism, you either have it or you don't...if you have it now, you've always had it, you know what I mean?! Plus, like you mention, a lot of us masked to a point even at home (although I will say, looking back I had ''weird'' behaviours, but my mom indulged some of then I was mocked by the rest of my extended family for them and so tried to mask, even as a young child I remember having to be ''on,'' never relaxing). I'm glad to hear that some places don't require the parents being involved; it's not always possible or accurate.
True. Over here they want historical character references, but they aren't mandatory thankfully. If people only ever got the fake version of me, I don't see how it would be relevant for them anyway.
I 100% get the telling people "how it is" kind of thing and how I get into a lot of trouble for it. I can only listen to someone tell me their problem for so long before I need to tell them that its their own fault. Especially if they failed to resolve their issues with the obvious advice previously given. "I hate my partner..." - "then dump 'em" - "cant, I'm in love" , in that case F*** off.
I have been wondering how far the mask goes down. All people can say one thing and do another. Early days for me. Guess I'm wondering how much other stuff I've missed that's been staring me in the face. The main trigger I have is people drawing inferences from what I've said rather than just responding to the words I've said. Take my words in their "black and white" sense. Good luck with your job hunting. Hope you find something that works for you soon.
The mask never comes off unless I'm completely alone. Even when I'm alone but expecting a delivery I can't fully unmask as I need that social switch turned on. But I absolutely 100% understand that feeling of people not taking your words absolute and running with it. Why they need to turn it into something else first is beyond me. One of my biggest frustrations.
It's a myth that people on the autism spectrum don't have empathy. Yes we do, so much so that we are prepared to sacrifice ourselves inordinately.. But I think that why we are judged not to have empathy, is because we need to be with our logic, analysing in all situations. And we cut to the quick with that. I've learned that I must keep my logic to myself as a femaile, because no one seems to get it, and then I'm avoided, but I'm used to that. After I had my diagnosis, I waited until retirement and afterwards opened up to a colleague/friend who worked there, admitting I was on the spectrum. I was just looking for understanding. I never heard from her again. It's like the world is a jigsaw puzzle where there is nowhere to fit. The puzzle is the world of others...
It would be like: the world runs on windows 11 and we run on linux. We're also operational the thing is we don't take the same commands. I see it that way. And exactly like you I can't be "myself" quite often. So I developed a social mask and have been using for 45 years. It works but at the same time it generates a lot os suffering.
I hear soooo many people say they don't know why people get upset about honest answers or stimming... I feel that burden too. It's most often neurotypical people who exhibit discomfort. But is that not much the mirror image of an Autistic who finds discomfort in the noises of a room full of people talking over each other, or the clapping they love to do, etc.? They expect from us to mask, but they do not mask their actions/behaviors for us. Is it because they are too proud or because masking is so uncomfortable for them that they can't bear to? If it's pride, then it's similar to to those who complain about the problems they create for themselves and expect others to remedy for them (mom who has more kids on Gov. assistance and wants bigger house), but if it's too sensory difficult to bear watching us stim or answer truthfully, then do they not suffer from their own disorder on a logical spectrum of their own? Was it mutually agreed on that their customs/needs are globally correct/priority? Bottom line is at some point, the solutions to their issue with us is their own obligation to resolve, teaching them to be narcissistic or unempathetic does them no justice. So do they need considerate accomodations (that they seldom support others with) or are they outright darkly self centered? Is it appropriate in every/most case(s) to appoint the Autistic one for determining that and balance their emotional state for them? I feel like others need to acknowledge their own needs and endeavor to self sooth or solve what dwells within their own selves. This looking to us to yield, bend and transform ourselves at their will has gone on for long enough and now become a ridiculously unhealthy dependent arrangement. It's like enabling a substance abuser. That's how it makes me feel, like someone elses unhealthy dependancy is somehow my responsibility/fault.
Do you know about MBTI and Socionics personality theories? (Technically these are not "theories", because not proven scientifically or stuff like that, but I saw most people online call them "theories" so I just went with it for the time being.) I think you are probably an ISFP type in the MBTI system and an ESI type in the Socionics system. I think that because several of the things you've said are things how ISFP types tend to see the world, also I'm an ISFP myself, and I just got suspicious a few days ago that I might be autistic "a little bit" (meaning, high masking / high functioning / etc...), and many of the things you said and the way you said seemed/felt very relatable. I think you have an excellent channel, I wish you good luck to grow it and hopefully helping other autistic people with yet unanswered questions and stuff like that, and I hope your channel (for ex. the info you can get from your comment section) can be helpful for you too. Thank you for sharing your honest thougths, experiences with us, I find channels like yours very helpful, because it is real life examples, and what better place to learn helpful tips from than the real life source.
Thank you for your kind words. I haven't done either of those tests. I think they might be in a folder of requests as there are a few in there...it's just getting around to doing them. I don't know too much about them in all honesty.
@@AdultwithAutism Good I'm Dutch, don't even know who they are. 🤣 Think I am going to watch the old Time Team series again, man they were good ! 👍 This whole world is F*ced up.
I have High functioning Autism.. And I'm pregnant on Housing in the US and when she is born THEY WILL give me A 2 bedroom. IM UNEMPLOYED AND GET ALL THE RESOURCES FROM THE GOVERNMENT! I CAN'T WORK BECAUSE I HAVE A DISABILITY ESPECIALLY AUTISM... ONE THING DEPRESSION AND SEVERE ANXIETY THAT PREVENTS ME FROM WORKING. SO PLEASE DONT MAKE ME FEEL BAD.. I know you have a different opinion but, YES I FULLY DEPEND ON THE GOVERNMENT.. AND I AM PROUD OF IT. ITS NOT LIKE I DON'T WANT TO WORK. I'VE ALREADY TRYED AND THEY WILL ZAPP MY DISABILITY AWAY FROM ME. AND IF I GET FIRED I will end up homeless because my family is super dysfunctional and they don't give a flying F about me.. So please understand. I have AUTISM too which is why I Subscibed to your freaking channel! But, I'm glad we can relate some how.. I just CAN'T WORK LIKE YOU and I HATE THE FACT THAT I HAVE to GIVE UP MY HOUSING ONE DAY and HAVE MY BF in TEXAS SUPPORT ME because I DON'T WANT TO DEPEND ON ANOTHER PERSON because they can change there mind one day and kick me out BECAUSE I HAVE AUTISM. SO PLEASE Understand. I was SUPER OF OFFENDED WHEN U SAID THAT BECAUSE THATS WHY PEOPLE HATE ME BECAUSE I DON'T WORK. BULLSHIT!!! They can go FU@k themselves!!!😑🤬
It's a shame the point upset you, however that wasn't what I said, nor was it my point so I'm afraid you've misunderstood. My reference was about people who can work but choose not to, and then complain about their life. This wasn't about people who cannot work. The point was about people who have control of their outcome and decide to do nothing about it.
Have you ever considered dance; physical, gestural, stimulative motion as a means of release or as an art of self expression? I find such “stimming” (stimming I say despite how much I detest that word I use it because it is explicitly descriptive) behaviors to be a soothing release where I can be myself. Dance has emboldened me to know and to have a level of self respect that I haven’t had before, and therewith I have stood up more and continue to stand against, and in opposition to those that I disagree with and stand up for what I actually do believe in and in so-doing support those around me that are aiming up.
Your stims seem to closely coincide with what I use to do before autism was ever even mentioned as a possible answer for my behavior. And in recent years having learned more about autistic tendencies and stims these impulses have become more and more expressive as dance moves of a sort of choreography. On a separate note but sorta related (I have some ideas that are kinda “out there”) but basically I think physical motion rhythm and music all interplay with sacred geometry, also religious traditions and philosophy. So anyway I just kinda wanted someone to talk to. I like your videos, keep it up 👍
My stimming is cutting the wires before the bomb goes off. Outside of finger tapping, restless leg, batting my tongue on my teeth in a closed mouth, I don't think I stim any other way? Unless screaming to Metal music in the car counts!
You seem quite intelligent and ethical to me. When I find something is hard to understand, I listen to it again a few times and google any words I didn't know. Oxford Dictionary of Idioms, and the Urban Dictionary as well as good old Merriam Webster Dictionary.
You're a credit to your patience, which is something I unfortunately don't have the attention span for. I just like things as obvious and open as possible. If I have to start Googling acronyms, it's game over in afraid.
