AITA for telling my wife she takes me for granted and to stop digging at me for “not doing enough”? 

I felt the same way going back to work. I also remember telling a childless female friend before the baby was born that I was concerned about the fact that our place didn't have much room and I didn't know how I was going to fit a baby in there. She said "It'll be fine! Babies are small!" And I replied "Yeah, but they come with a LOT of accessories!" 😄 Thankfully we were able to move a few months after he was born. She found out just how many accessories babies need a few years later when she had twins lol. It came back at her two-fold!

Man, this comment is right on the money

Exactly!

I completely agree with you on this! Too many other moms on here are complaining about how they didn't have help , but when somebody does and still has these problems they call them entitled. I am happy to see that she has a support system in place for her to have extra help and that benefits him too even if he doesn't see it

Couple of things bother me about your comments. Your opinion matters and I'm not taking away from that!! IMO, best marriages/parents/partnerships take advantage of people's strengths. In paying for the cleaning help, he's not only taking that burden away from her, he's supporting her parents and not taking advantage of them by expecting it for free since they're family. He's doing the cooking. Yes he enjoys doing it, but I remember that being a chore when my energy level was sagging by dinnertime (and I love to cook). Both of my kids' 1 year old bdays were family events. No invites, RSVP, games, party bags, etc. A 1 year old party is for parents since child typically isn't walking, talking, have friends or will even remember. So cooking and cleaning was the biggest part. When it was nap time for my kids, at that age, I just put them to bed. She might want to get some exercise and take them for a walk at nap time, but I feel it's important for babies to learn how to fall asleep without relying on something else like walks, car rides, being rocked, etc. When they were older, I read to them. Yes, he should want to participate more. That being said, they definitely need to have a conversation about expectations and division of duties for sure!

@@strawberi6257 all of this being said, the other comments still makes sense. He gets to pick and choose what he WANTS to do and complains about the other things. Meaning, when she is saying, “the baby needs a certain task done” and he doesn’t enjoy it then it is automatically her responsibility. She has not said that there are task that she does because she enjoys them, and even if that were the case, for a lot of people even doing the things that they love turn into a chore when everyone just expects them to do it. I mean, how is it that you can rest on the thought that a parent is a primary caregiver when both of you all should be parenting” also, OP didn’t say whether or not the event was a big one. Him saying that he cooked for it and that took a lot of energy out of him probably alludes to the fact that it was a little bigger than just an adult dinner and chat. He didn’t even say, whether or not the parents helped clean up after this event. it sounds like he isn’t pulling his weight and just because he has some money to get other people to help clean doesn’t mean that he helps enough. Having a fussy baby for eight hours is extremely mentally taxing, and there isn’t enough cooking or help with cleaning to make it feel like you’re supported. She is literally parenting 24 hours/working 24 hours. I like with that comment said that Dusty read in the video, it only seems like “Work” when he has to do it too, but apparently she’s not doing any work while she’s home taking care of the kids.

Yep! I've been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom. Staying at home with the kids is a total piece of cake compared to having to juggle motherhood and a job.

Sorry i dissagree. Op said i was tired because i hostel his birthday yesterday. Op says he does diapers etc. He is just tired now. I was a sahm when my kids where baby's i cleaned, i did the babycare and cleaned. This woman a sahm doesn't clean (her parents do this for money) she doesn't cook (op does) al she does is 1 child. A baby that sleeps most of the day...and than complain that op doesn't do enough.. yeah, hell NO. What is he suppoost to do? Everything so she can be lazy?

If the wife expects him to walk the child because she does, then she's TA.

I don’t know, it seems like walking the baby to get them to take a nap was also an expectation of the dad. He never had an issue with the fact that it takes them walking the baby for the baby to go to sleep. It seemed more of an issue that he had to be involved in putting the baby down.

@@funnyfoxbird but that's the thing. Does the baby really need to be walked to fall asleep? Or is that just what she does? It's good for the walker to get exercise and fresh air for both. But it's good for a baby to be able to fall asleep on it's own. It's not stated whether the baby will or won't sleep unless walked. Only that it was nap time 🤷

@@strawberi6257 I doubt mom is just doing it bc she feels like it. Most likely it worked well once or twice and she kept doing it and now it’s routine. It wild to me that strangers are mad a a routine that OP clearly doesn’t take issue with. It’s probably a really healthy habit that they do have a sleep routine regardless of how ridiculous we think it is. Doctors usually recommend one.

Not all dads say that. I know dads that do way more than moms. 1) IMO babies need to learn how to fall asleep and not become reliant on other things to get to sleep. 2) he's helping financially support the parents that clean. I only did/do laundry once a week, even with a baby. 3) he prepares his own breakfast and lunches so wouldn't be surprised if he provides that for her too. But even if he doesn't, why is her feeding herself breakfast and lunch any different than him doing it for himself? 4) parenting is 24/7/365 and it's best when done by both parents. Most of us aren't mind readers. Asking for help is good! Expecting him to do things her way isn't.

Here is your cookie 🍪, and your atta boy.

Don't you know that men don't have feelings? Don't you know that a husband only exists to cater to his wife's every whim?

That’s what makes me feel like he’s an unreliable narrator.

Have you met kids before?

@@funnyfoxbird sure have, got 5 of my own!

@@Ladiofthewoods maybe they are older bc babies are a lot of work. Sometimes we forget how much, once the children grow up theirs a different set of challenges for parents.

Or he could cut back his hours and parent his child

@@herdmentality1894 that too. But idk if that would affect their income more than his wife quitting.

It sucks that sahm have a threshold of suffering before they’re given empathy. Like they literally have to do every single household thing within 8 hours for people to feel like they’re truly stay at home moms, and even then they’re expected to maintain that level of labor, even after their partner comes home

@@funnyfoxbird I agree. I’m glad she has some help, but I can understand the burnout of taking the full responsibility of the child. Maybe her and OP can switch off some. She cooks more while he does more child care.

@@ebbss4 that sounds like a good idea. I just feel like it’s hard to appreciate how much someone actually does until you are fully responsible for the task.

Right, because even though daycare prepares food and cleans up. They primarily get paid for the act of watching and playing with children all day. food is usually quick to make.

Says he changes diapers and feeds the baby, so he is there when the baby is awake. Dinner is the biggest meal to cook. Most don't cook breakfast every morning. So the wife might be responsible for her luch. The baby is just now 12 months so the baby's food was and is or milk. 90% of houses are 6 figures houses that means he's making 100k. Upkeep on cleaning isn't that much like 1-2hrs which the wife doesn't have to do. My wife had it way worse she did all that while I was working 12-14hr shifts.

@@xeedflarian9748 So, you can empathize with OP's wife! I'm sure you hate leaving your wife alone with the kids because of how much you have to work. It would probably be awesome if you got to spend more time with your kids even if it's just a walk in the evening to help them sleep, and let your wife do something by herself for a change :) I'm a SAHM and it's practically a LUXURY when I get to put my headphones in and just cook or clean the bathroom without 2 littles underfoot! 🤣

@maryg6742 I'm saying she is complaining when she has it 10 times easier than other sahm. Like my wife would take that situation in a heartbeat no complaints lol.

@UC3Pqcsu8kbvQJcUSubocQGw That's really tough you guys can't make that happen for your wife! It would be great if one day that's a possibility :) You may find this saying helpful: "The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg". Basically, everyone has different thresholds, and it isn't fair to disregard one person's struggles just because someone else would handle it better. That goes for OP and his wife too. It seems like he thinks her issue is the amount of work, but it's much more likely the lack of alone time.

@maryg6742 With my job it couldn't work that way but things got better when our child started school so she has more time to herself and breaks. I definitely get the threshold, but some are way to low. The wife could also have post-partum, therapy, and or family counseling would be the way to go.

Have you met a one year old?

It only says that he cooks dinner. It's not mentioned what they do for breakfast or lunch. It could be her cooking those meals or it could be other options that don't involve cooking. Also, taking care of a baby/ toddler is a full time job by itself. I'm sure she stays plenty busy caring for and playing with their baby all day (for much longer than his 8-10 hours at work).

@@DeidresStuff I was a single parent who raised two kids and worked. A one year old is VERY easy to watch.

@@fenomfangx I’m with Deidre, sometimes when our children grow up, it’s hard to remember how it was day-to-day back then.

@@funnyfoxbird - But did someone else do all the cooking, cleaning, and pay all the bills? What's next, will she whine until she gets a nanny?

I think it’s just the way Dusty says “Our”

@@christineheminger7762 OK, I wondered why he didn't mention it. 🤔

Yeah, by 1 year old, you make sure the kid is dry and isn't hungry, and then you put them in this thing called a crib.

Care for the baby. Duh. Which is a huge job too. Even if someone is cooking dinner and someone else helps clean. Parenting doesn’t have to be what you’re saying there. And it shouldn’t be. Mothers also deserve a break/not to work themselves to death so they can take care of themselves and their child. Not sacrifice everything about themselves just for childcare and housework. Sheesh. Stop shaming

​@@GwenApMannanan When I was married, I worked graveyard shift, didn't get enough sleep and did pretty much all the housework and childcare. That didn't change when I became a single mom. She was able to stay home for their child's first year, doesn't have to do the cooking or cleaning and will only be working 2 days a week. She's extremely fortunate! And yes, he should participate more. But IMO, she shouldn't expect him to do things the same way she does. Walks aren't required for nap time.