@@UnapologeticallyLexi hey love I link the original Reddit post in the description of the full video!! Just click the link! Thank you so much! 🥰 I actually do sell these in my Etsy shop! Link is in the bio! 🩷
The FULL Story: EDIT: THE BOYFRIEND DOESNT LIVE WITH US AND DOESNT PAY RENT OR BILLS. HIM AND HIS DAUGHTES SPEND TIME HERE AND PAY ONLY FOR THEIR FOOD: SOMETHING I DO AS WELL* My dad died suddenly about a year ago, and my mom found this really nice guy that she’s started seeing. I’m 23M and going into my final year of college. My moms boyfriend has two daughters ages 15 and 13. My mom has stepped in to be a mother figure to them, and the boyfriend has stepped into my extended family becoming everyone’s favourite uncle. And while i’m glad everyone else is comfortable, i’m not. He isn’t a bad guy, I’m just still grieving my father, and it feels like he’s trying to replace him. He tries to set rules for me, things like chores and curfew, that my dad specifically didn’t because he thought they were ridiculous for an adult. Boyfriend thinks it’s only fair because i have siblings now. I think it’s ridiculous to have the same rules apply because of our age differences. He’s trying to get me to share my stuff with his kids. They aren’t lacking for anything but he thinks it’s only fair because ~family~. I live in the basement of my moms house. I have since i was 15. When you come in the front door there’s a door to the basement and the stairs to go into the house. So it’s pretty separate. So last night i was DDing for some friends and got home at 2 am. I had nothing to do until 3pm today since classes aren’t until next week and my new job starts in 2 weeks. So this has never been a big deal with my parents. I shot my mom a text and went to bed. Tonight though, man, boyfriend flipped. I got a lecture and sent to my room and “possible loss of car privileges.” I snapped and laid it out for him. I told him i’m leaving the city after i graduate, i told him i’m glad my mom found a new partner but that i am not and will not be looking for a new father figure and he needs to respect that. I told him our relationship won’t be father/son for some time, and that he needs to respect me as an adult or that i won’t want to have a relationship with him. He told my family and they think i’m the asshole. AITA?
I take my first reaction back. If he doesn’t live there, you are in the right. If he don’t pay bills, he has no say, but your mom does. Which does go back to my first point. Maybe it’s time you find your own place.
@@sslack80 Even if the boyfriend was living in their house it doesn't matter. He doesn't really have the right to not only to boss around an adult, But also an adult that is not his kid. Even if the boyfriend paid bills it wouldn't matter because he doesn't own the house. Also with what you said last, about The kid (adult) finding his own place. He said that he's leaving the city once he graduates.
@@user-gb1jv3bq5l there are certain personal boundaries his mother can make, and she can expect him to not create more work for the household than he manages himself, but as far as house rules go, you can really only enforce the kind of rules a landlord would, anything more than that on an adult is an abuse of power.
Boyfriend, he’s not even a step yet. He didn’t buy her a house, he moved his kids into your parents’ house? That all sounds opportunistic. Take your time, grieve, and maybe talk to mom about your not being ready for all that. You are not stoping her from moving on, but no one can force your process. It’s a boundaries conversation. He can’t say you have siblings now, unless there was a wedding, I missed that. Even so, he needs to respect some boundaries. Especially because your Dad has passed away; you’re not a fatherless child he’s “adopting,” you’re the adult child of his girlfriend, who’s Dad did his job and that relationship is sacred. In time, mom’s boyfriend can become a friend, an adult friend respecting adult boundaries. Wish you the best navigating this situation. Ask for mom’s help to have that adult conversation about boundaries, like him not making rules for you-not appropriate, just not. If mom wants to make rules for you, it’s her house and you have the option to leave, but mom’s boyfriend, nah, not appropriate.
the actual reddit had a edit to it. the boyfriend doesnt even live there nor does he pay for anything besides what him and his kids eat. doesnt help clean up their mess either. the full reddit story also mentioned that the mom was alright with what OP was doing and that the basement was set up like it would be a separate apartment. in fact the way the full reddit was written it seemed like the mom had no knowledge that the boyfriend is doing any of this.
When my parents got divorced my mom tried doing something similar trying to turn my stepdad into my actual dad and I always resented it and it affected my relationship with him. Things didn’t change until I sat down and had a serious discussion with my mother about why I would never see my stepdad in that way and once she understood my pov I had a much better relationship with her, my stepdad, and my actual father. Sometimes communication is important and so is compromise. Understand that your mom is a grown woman and has to finish the last chapter in her life while you’re just getting started.
This happened to my dad. His new step-mom started to call him “son” when he was old enough to have his own family. And he said that he didn’t consider her as his mother yet she still kept on insisting she was. Loosing a parent is hard and if you don’t want to replace them, that’s your choice, it doesn’t matter if they are sweet. My dad had his second marriage with my mom, yet he already had children with his ex. But my mom didn’t want to be called mom, and she never invaded the children’s privacy.
He's 23 and grieving his dad, I think he has every right to not see his mom's boyfriend as his dad. It's also really suspicious that he's trying set up a bunch of rules for an adult, as well as try to get him to share with his kids because now they're family. It really feels like the new dad wants to take control, and take over the house. I don't know OP's situation, but they should try and get out ASAP.
IKR. Controlling, manipulative. He isn't to bright. He needs an education. OP should tell him. I bet that Wana be father wants OP to share everything & no locked door and must always be open. Oh and OP must get rid of their stuff and move to elsewhere. Because his eldest child needs the room.🙄
You're not wrong. I'm 23, and even though I've moved out, I couldn't imagine anyone telling me what to do or setting new rules. You're legally an adult and while they aren't required to let you live with them, they also can't tell you what to do. Talking away your car would be a crime, and I think you're doing the right thing by being the DD and making sure everyone got home safe.
Imagine some random dude trying to tell you, a grown adult, what to do and trying to be your dad a year after losing him. I'd blow a fuse if someone treated me that way.
I'm a two strike person. Once I saw what was happening I'd tell him that he cam be my mom's boyfriend, he ain't my dad, or landlord, or teacher, or master. Then pray he don't do it again, for his sake
I mean, she lives with her mom at age 23. Her house her rules. If the mother defers to the new guy when it comes to those rules, they will need to abide by them. Otherwise she’s more than welcome to get her own place. She sounds hella entitled. If you’re so unhappy, just leave.
@@BBS-dl1lt It's not that simple. I'm 22 and someone who just came into my life not even a year ago is not going to boss me around in the house I lived most of my life in. Just because someone lives in their parents home it doesn't mean they are a freeloader. They probably have a job or they are going to school but moveing out in this economy is almost immpossible unless someone is rich. I really hate the "you have to move out at 18 and starv and be homless until your late 20's" mentality the US has. In most other countrys it's perfectly normal to live at home until marrige or until a person has finacial stability towards their late 20's.
@@az639 oof wow you’re projecting. Never said she’s a freeloader. All I said is that if she still lives with her mom, she needs to follow her rules. The mom obvious defers to the step dad when it comes to setting rules. She has no right to complain about those rules. If she doesn’t like them, she can leave at any time. Everything else you said is wrong though. Leaving your family once you’re an adult is healthy. Learning to make it on your own, budget your money, work, live with roommates if need be, it’s all important. Not moving out until marriage is literally gross and sexist. That’s something you’d have women do…go from one man’s home to another, because marriage is all they were being valued for. Being on your own is incredibly valuable in learning to be your own person. There’s a reason people don’t respect someone who lives with their parents in their 20’s. Like there’s literally no excuse. Get a job and have a couple roommates if need be. Literally anyone can handle living away from home.
my parents have different rules and expectations with me and my younger sibling. we’re 3 years apart. setting a curfew for AN ADULT is ridiculous imo. the adult is an adult, responsible for itself. let that be. for a kid, that’s a different story. they don’t have the life experience of an adult
OMG. Yes the BF has to stop. You can't have an adult child go by the rules for teens. He is misguided. The mom should also be stepping in and vouching for her daughter as an adult. Add to all that, one year is not a long time in the grieving process. Mister new guy needs to back off or he will create lots of trouble.
He’s used to being a dad to teenagers and hasn’t made the adjustment to being a dad to a young adult. Have a conversation with him and tell him your feelings about him “fathering” you. He sounds like a nice guy. Maybe he’ll understand. Ask your mother to sit in on the conversation.
Some people really need a class on how to 1. Deal with someone who's grieving a loss 2. Deal with being a step family (sibling, parent, etc) to someone who's grieving And both classes need to be required
Ngl, as someone who went through narcissistic abuse, this sounds like a textbook case of an early narcissist relationship. The rushing, the overt pushiness, the inconsideration for the feelings of others... The guy wants control.
yes and let's include a class on how to mind one's own business whenever you're a boyfriend or girlfriend to some adult's mother or father, how to understand that a person has no reason to be trying to boss around another adult over the age of 18, unless maybe their parent has asked you to get involved and talk to the adult child WITH them, perhaps.
He's living inside their house remember that if he can't simply respect their rules that his mom and his mom's boyfriend both agreed on that I think he should move out HES 23 get a house
@Shoop A Loop if you're staying with your mom or not trying to finish school or not you are still in someone else's house you don't have no right to change their rules they both agree on it they both made new rules follow them
You are absolutly RIGHT. Losing someone sooo important to you is hard. You need time to be sad and adjust to him. I know the feeling. What im saying is that even WHEN you adjust to something or someone after someone died is that it's ok to still be sad and need a lot of time to adjust. And he should know that. Just tell him that you need time to adjust to him and you need your own space. Tell him that it's not ok to be acting like this after someone important to you or anyone else dies. He needs to know that he has to respect you and you needing time to yourself.
Not wrong. You are a legal adult. He needs to be sat down and given a talking to. Tell your mom that if he doesn't stop it, you might need to move out.
You are not wrong at all. It's never easy getting used to your Mom's new guy, along with going through the grieving process. You are your Mother's child - not his period. Hoping the best for you!
You are NOT wrong, you are a grown woman who needs to be treated like one. You sound very intelligent and you have a good head on your shoulders. I would say to sit down with your mom (outside of house distractions) over lunch and let her know how you are feeling. She raised you so hopefully she will be on your side.🫶🏼
You are completely right and you should never be forced to share things with children as an adult or as a person. I hope you get through it honey🤗 all love
It’s VERY toxic for anyone to be setting rules like that for an adult, much less someone who just came into the picture. His kids are his problem, not yours, and he needs to respect your boundaries. It’s not like you’re telling them to break up
I agree with you.... Not everyone grieves the same way.... I too lost my father at the age 7 and I had ppl in our family constantly trying to parent me and my brother.... Saying that we need to get over it and our dads dead .... Your a adult now and he needs to respect your boundaries.... And your mother should support you! ❤ God Bless you
He's not wrong, and he doesn't have to immediately start treating him like he's a father figure, nor does he have to listen to him. They should be giving him time and space to grieve his father, they are the asshol*s not him. -I'm not referring to the woman telling the story, I mean the one who is in the story
Girl... I know EXACTLY what you feel. When I say exactly, you know it is exactly. I know that is is so hard. You are not wrong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. ❤❤❤❤❤
Absolutely not you don't even have to explain urself. That is ur right. He is not ur dad and shouldn't be acting like it unless u are ok with it or want him to.
I pray you find peace and happiness, and I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost mine a few years ago and I'm still getting hit with grief every so often. You, as an adult, should be able to make your own rules- in your own home. Now, their house, their rules, and if your mom says yeah, well... if you don't like it, you gotta find your own place.
Speak to your Mom. Let her in on your feelings and grief. Time and boundaries are needed for healthy fanily. Also , let her know you would prefer maintain the rules your father set. Especially, due to your age.
NTA: Mom is so concerned about her new love and keeping him happy that she’s completely forgotten about you. I’m wondering if this relationship was pre existing. I have a hard time understanding how one can lose their spouse of over 20 years and be living with another within a year. Sounds like this guy is taking over. Mom might just end up alone and broke
I took it a different way. Sounded like the parents divorced and the girl is living with her mama and her bf as a grown woman. Sad about the dad, but is this woman staying in the moms bf house? Cause ya she do need 2 follow rules. No she don't need to share with the other kids but the babies will look up to her and wanna do what she doing so yeah gotta have rules when it comes to kids.
@@jakayerobinson7751 no the father died a year ago, this woman has been living in her mom's basement since age 15, so for over 7 to 8 years already. And this guiy moved in with his 2 daughters who are 13 and 15, and thinks a 23 year old Senior in college is supposed to have the same curdew as a 13 year old. He has not married this woman's mother either, so no, he doesn't get to set rules that apply to a 23 year old adult, that are the same for his 13 year old kid. He IS responsible for what his teenage daughters do, legally, but her mom is NOT responsble for her 23 year old daughter's actions, parents don't have legal rights over their kids after age 18 so ANY authority they still have is just whatever authority the over 18 year old offspring gives them. He also does not need to be telling any adult what to do, when it's not his home they're in, and he is not legally married to her mother either so he is not related to this grown woman, not yet anyway. His daughters also have no reason to think that the house's rules are the same for this adult as they are for them, as far as her personal life and plands are concerned. She is an adult, they are not.
If it’s one thing I learned in grief counseling IS… that’s the worst thing. For people to tell you how you should grieve or move on quicker. I think it’s time for an family intervention and let them “know show you feel” (can’t say you didn’t try… in the future)
The mothers boyfriend needs to mind his own business. He has absolutely NO right to even try to parent her or tell her what to do. A yr is only like a month when you’re grieving the loss of someone dear to you. So he needs to back off! How dare he!
@@gregoryschmidt1233 so? He may not be able to afford it, or maybe he has personal issues? Houses and apartments cost a lot of money to own/rent nowadays. My uncle is 43 and still lives with my nan, as he has attachment issues and wouldn't be able to live alone because he would become depressed and not know how to live alone. My oldest (half) brother is 23 and lives at his nans house, because he doesn't have the money. Same with my other two brothers.
@@Bugvyy If that works for them, great. I'm just saying one way to end the problem of a step-parent treating a 23-year-old like a child, is for the 23-year-old to achieve adulthood and independence. Once you're no longer dependent on your parents, they lose that power. By the time I was 23 I was out of college, had a job and an apartment with roommates, and was able to buy a car. It was a beater, but it was mine. My parents treated me like an adult, because I was one. Different world now, I guess.
@@gregoryschmidt1233 the thing is the step parent didn't even live there and gave him new rules. The 23 year old was paying his bills therefore he should be allowed to live there and treated as an adult, which he legally is.
NO YOU ARE ABSOULTY NOT WRONG!!! Some people take longer then others or never adjust, but that's okay! Also, you shouldn't have to share its just if you want to share. c:
You are definitely NOT wrong. I have a figure like that in my life too. It’s completely understandable. And I am sorry about the loss of your dad. Hope things get better ❤️🩹
Man, at 23 my only curfew was the last bus to get home. Even then, I could always call for a ride home, my parents just asked for me to let them know if I’d be out later than usual so they wouldn’t worry something happened to me.
You're not wrong. You're an Adult. He can't expect you to be okay with being treated as a child. However, as long as you live there, contributing time towards the upkeep of the household, shows respect for your Mom. BUT, the control-freak bf shouldn't try to "assign" you chores like he does for the kids. Just remember to do your part. That's part of you "Adulting".
I’m 24, my dad passed 2 years ago and I’m still grieving him. If my mom got a BF I’d be happy for her but I’d be damned if I let someone random guy who I don’t have any real relationship with try and tell my grown ass what to do 🙃🤡 And I’d be saying so 🤷🏻♀️
He's testing your boundaries. You need to politely push back and let him know he crossed the line. He can't dictate how you feel about the new family dinamic.
My parents divorced a while ago. At first my step dad had trouble finding his place, or what fatherly boundaries/things he was aloud to do. He never tried to take the place of my father. Him and my dad actually get along very well, which I am grateful for. It's like having 2 dad's and a mom, they all care so much.
After reading the whole story, I don’t think he’s the asshole. He was driving his friends home to be safe. He has a discrete entrance to the house so he can not disturb others. He doesn’t have anything going on to hinder him from staying out late, but even if he did, it’s his responsibility to go to work and classes. The Boyfriend has two girls and probably is giving him a hard time because many dudes feel like they have to be hard on guys. Like I would think it’s true if OP was running the streets but he seems like an okay guy that’s in school and has a job. The job most likely pertains to the school because of the time he starts.
You are not wrong. You are an adult. I would have that conversation with him and let him know how I feel respectfully. If he doesn't honor that then I will start looking for my own place.
As a parent, you should never force your child to share. They should have things that belong to only them. It's called boundaries. Sure, encourage your child to share, tell them the benefits, relationships that can grow from it, but don't force it. In this case the rules could be different from you and the other kids because you are different, and your respective levels of life experience should warrant different levels of trust and freedom from the parents. That being said, the new guy is probably just not accustomed to parenting someone in your age range, so he's not sure where to start or what to do. Think of it this way: when you start a group project, the team goes through various stages - forming, storming, norming, and performing. When a team starts, people are getting to know each other, they're all polite and hesitant, etc. That's forming. Once everyone knows everyone, some team members will try to lead, give instruction, govern, or establish hierarchy. This is usually a period where conflict arises - storming. Once all that's been sorted, everything becomes a bit more routine and predictable. Norming. It's only once you've hit norming and established a baseline for interactions, can you really start performing, excelling, having fun - because now you know each other, you can communicate implicitly, there's no ambiguity anymore... I hope this helps ❤️
23yo not 10yo- if a father of 2 little but not super little kids can't understand that 23yo that lost their father doesn't need patented then they have an issue- he shouldn't be trying to parent at all and should only treat him as a friend or buddy as he would any other 23yo
Unfortunately I totally understand your perspective because my dad passed away suddenly as well almost 8 years ago. I think it wouldn't hurt to sit down with him and tell him how much you care about him and that you think he's a wonderful person, but that he should consider your position and that you are grieving your father and that you still need some boundaries around that
You can't force an adult to accept you as a step parent, especially while they are grieving the lose of a parent. Also, whatever was being made in the background looks so cool
yes amd what kills me is ; this man, the mother's boyfriend, does not even live with his mom, nor is he married yet to his mom but he thinks HE has the right to "take car privileges away" from another grown man ? ? If it's not his car then he is WAY out of line and the mother really should not be allowing him to talk to her grown son in such a way, because it is her place to tell her son these things IF she is upset with anything he does or says, the boyfriend has not got a dog in this race, as they say.... he is being a jerl and trying to control an adult whom he has no business trying to control, nor does he have any right to do so.he is clearly and hugely overstepping all normal boundaries here..
Without even hearing the rest of the story, you are absolutely not the asshole. Even if it does hurt him to know you don’t see him as your real father, he needs to understand that you already had a strong connection with your (maybe?) biological father and that no one could replace the dead dad.
Just a general sibling rule: if your ages are different, it’s fine to have different rules because the younger sibling knows that when they get to the older age, they will have different rules (coming from a younger sibling here) and if a sibling doesn’t specifically ask to borrow/share something, then why should the parents make them if they don’t care or want it in the first place?
yes to both of your points & seems like if this mother's bf was very bright, he already would know both of those things.,To me his way of thinking smacks of an overload of entitlement and control issues, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's raised his 2 teen daughters to think the same way. It does not bode well for any long term relationship that this bf doesn't inherently understand the proper boundaries. He also does not get it, that ofcourse this young man's not wanting anyone to be bossing him around as if he's a child & his mom's boyfriend IS his dad and that this soon after his dad has suddenly died that it's not cool to be trying to be overnearing and saying things it is not his place to be saying & trying to make his gf's 23 year old son abide by the same rules as his 13 year old girl.daughter has.
Not wrong! My husband died in 2004 at age 42 suddenly passed. We have 4 kids at the time our youngest twins were only 6. I waited 8 years before dating again but I would not even have anyone over unless we were married first. I surely would never let any man not my kids father to tell my kids ANYTHING! You are not wrong
Family is the most important thing, I also heard that from some very sketchy people. That joke aside, I think op is in the right about the situation. People grieve differently, and even if they had moved on, its up to them to decide what relationship they'd want to have with them, whether it's as a friend, parental figure out just someone that's a part of there life
Absolutely not, if your getting education and doing what you need to do, you good. When if you weren’t your an adult and the worst your moms bf could do is ask your mom to do something. If you have a good relationship with mom, open up and tell her how you feel. My mom married her bf of 2month and kicked me out but I have a feeling your mama ain’t like that. Good luck sis, we rootin for you! ❤
Makes sense OP is not in the wrong. OP is an adult even though his step father is his father not that doesn't give him the right to treat OP like a child and force him to share his things with his younger siblings. But OP is technically living in his house now so I would just recommend moving out.
You’re an adult you are in the right . He is trying to do the right thing though but he still doesn’t have a right to place rules on you. Enjoy your day
My mom passed and I will never get over it. No one and nothing could replace her. The fact that his mom moved on so fast is a sign that she never truly loved his dad
So its the moms boyfriend? Not even stepdad. He moved his kids into your MOMS house and decided to set rules on a 23 year old man who isnt his son and whom he just met?
Nah that's weird. My husband has three teen kids and we have a two year old. I would never even dream of doing shit like that. It's not my place and those are boundaries we have set
Talk to him. It sounds like he's trying to build a relationship with you. Tell him that it's difficult for you but also recognize that it's important to hold up his and your mother's house rules. They needn't be the same, but as long as you don't move out, there are rules to follow
Your an adult he can't control you. Also he's not your dad,and if he compares himself to your father he's not a good one to his own. He seems he favors his kids over you as well.Your not wrong for that.
It is complicated. First, yes you are an adult and so your relationship will be different because of that. There are also house rules which may have changed since he moved in. You don’t have to embrace him as anything. Take your time to grieve. If it continues to not work for you then you need to move out and create some distance. Love the resin!
At the end of the day he's not your dad. He's your mom's bf, fiance/husband. You need to have a sit down with him and your mother. Tell them you're glad they're happy but just because he is living with you does not mean he's your father figure. Explain to your mother that you will be following the rules your late father laid down for you. Also, that if he wants to father then save it for his own children. You are not obligated to share your items if you bought them and definitely by law do not have a curfew. If it's your mother's residence and she pays her bills then he has no say in your personal affairs. Make sure he understands that he has to earn that father role with you by starting with trust and friendship. Your mother should love you enough to not push another man down your throat. Just because she moved on doesn't mean you did or will.
lol I’m also thinking NTA the chores is reasonable I also have some chores to do as an adult living with my parents but for curfew that is bs if it was a thing of requesting to be informed of roughly when op will be home that’s just courtesy and a matter of safety but a curfew is unreasonable
No you are no wrong for telling him how you feel because he sounds like a very nice guy just doesn’t understand that you feel that way and you should tell him and he might start trying to help out.
Awww honey I'm so sorry I lost my mom at 15 and stuff changed in my family's dynamic so much. My stepdad became a stranger we don't speak at all anymore I don't even know where he is so I hear your heart You're not bad. Take your time and grieve if you can maybe it's time to move out
