Lana, whenever we are having a fight at times when I feel like I cannot communicate my messed up thoughts and emotions enough to be heard and understood, I just can’t help but to self-harm with cutter or scissors as if my wrist is a delicate paper. I just can’t stop it no matter how hard I try as I find it really addicting. Maybe this is how deeply attached I am to someone that I even let the depth of sadness become too familiar in my life and get used to it because I do not know who I am without it. Perhaps I am just a wandering sad soul deprived of happiness in this scary world.
I believed for a long time that what I feel for this person is true love, unconditional love. She blocked me and for 2.5 years I believed she would come back. So I did the no contact, no stalking thing for 2.5 years, waiting, but she never came. Then I said screw this I'm gonna check her socials (in a different account) and honestly... I'm so glad I did! Because only then I could realize that she is just not the person whom I believed her to be. Yes, the realization was shocking at first, but seeing what she had become made it easier for me to let her go. Now I still believe it was real love, but it was love for a past version of herself that don't exist anymore. I know about attachment styles, mine is (was) definitely an anxious one. These attachment styles stem from a childhood abandonment wound.
i met a girl at high school and we became very close for three years. in those years i couldn't do anything without her that make me feel boring and barely cared a lot abt other people than her. my self esteem was based on what she thinks of me and i got so anxious every time she leaves without me afraid she'll meet someone else and stop like me. when we stopped to talk i literally felt like i was living another life, that i was a diferent person. started to see my individuals needs and to be honest it's fun cause i have such low self esteem i've been in my life since she dumbed me.
@@milenis318 Basically this. When you get attached to an emotionally unavailable person, it's almost as if you become more dependent, because your needs are never met but you keep expecting that maybe one day they'll be compassionate enough to meet your needs. You keep trying, being the best friend/partner you can but it never gets reciprocated, so instead of focusing on yourself you focus on what could you have possibly done wrong that makes the other person not want be emotionally available to you. But being in a toxic relationship, it's not that you did something wrong to them, rather that's just the way they are, uncaring no matter how you treat them. On the other hand when you get attached to someone that meets your needs, you aren't constantly worrying about your needs, you can go out in the world and focus on your passions knowing that you have a solid foundation, a safety net. I've been through this. When I decided to let go of my toxic friends (one of them had ghosted me with no explanation) it was painful at the beginning but as days went by, I started to realize so many things, it was like if I had pitch black opaque shades on and then they fell off and I could finally see clearly that among other things, my needs were never being met and that was never going to change, and that I was invalidating my own needs to not make them feel uncomfortable. If you are in a friendship/relationship where you can't openly talk about your needs without the fear of getting judged, labeled and lectured with a lot of empty rationalizations about how you should be able to thrive living just like a robot, like a cold machine, then maybe you should look for new friends/partner, people that don't make you feel that you are less or broken for expressing your emotions.
"The truth is, we will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us."
True. Real intimacy in a relationship is only possible when you're able to open to your partner with anything, any emotion and being fully accepted. Not necessarily understood by your partner but feeling seen, feeling your partner's compassion in a way instead of negatively reacting, telling you to "get your shit together", dismissing your emotions rather than honouring them. Very rarely we have couples these days that can do that.
I am 27 years old and never had a girlfriend. Because I bought this idea that I needed to love myself and be independant first before trying to find a someone. And I can confidently say that I destroyed a part of my life. I was only creating a comfort zone for not trying to be vulnerable in the eye of someone else. Feeling that much loneliness caused me alot of stress, overweigh, anxiety, disconnection to reality. And I guess alot of poeple and I, like this idea of being "a god without emotion" but it's merely an unrealistic desire to counteract our true nature.
A lot of people misunderstand the idea of independence, thinking it is to be cold and not vulnerable, to do it all on your own. If you are just acting independent and not enjoying it, you haven’t broken past the actual purpose of it, which is to craft maturity when handling situations. It doesn’t mean to be a Cold Lone Ranger never asking for help. One can be independent and be vulnerable in a relationship, it’s called inter-dependence. Too many little nuances to be generalised and covered through one word.
Brave comment! I think you are in a great place to work on being open about your feelings and struggles with everyone you meet not just partners. We know that being vulnerable is key for building strong bonds with people in your life, including friends and family. People appreciate you doing so they won't run! (If they run they are fucked hahah)
I remember one time I told my friends that I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted someone to spend time with. My friend literally said “well I don’t need someone, I’m able to stand by myself, and be independent.” This made me feel so much shame for wanting a relationship. This video made me feel not so guilty and it’s ok so desire partnership. I like this video.
Of course it is ok to desire partnership. There’s a difference between want and need. And your friend wasn’t listening to you. You said it’s something you want, not need. And it’s something that is very human. There is no need to feel shame.
I’m a man and I don’t think either way, specifically. The whole “women are from Venus, men are from Mars” concept is a fallacy, based on sweeping generalisations and ridiculously binary.
I honestly think everyone should learn about attachment theories. It allowed me to be a bit more compassionate to myself and also understand others. I'm in a much healthier relationship now than what I was prior to learning about these theories. Great video lana!
I literally binge watch/listen to all your videos while working. Your voice has an amazingly calm, serene, focused, chill and loving sensation, perfect for people like me with "hyper focus"/"moody" working patterns to focus and complete their work. Kudos to your hard work Lana!
When Lana said we have to be reliant on our loved ones to be independent, I think she is right. We need strong social support to feel safe and secure before be can be independent. However, I don't necessarily agree that we have to derive that independence from romantic partners, especially in the early stage of the relationship. It's not stable yet. Instead, we should first rely on safe, long term relationships like friends and family.
I'm 24 young men, and I struggle really with relationships and validation. You really helpt me today, to understand the subject a little more. Thank you, Lana. Greetings from Germany!😁
Thank you for this video. You’re the only one I’ve heard ever say this. I feel ruined by my failures and what society says you have to be as far as being the, “hard, independent, depend only on you” person that is supposed to make you a more attractive person. No. I’m 45 years old and haven’t been in a relationship in more than 10 years and it’s killing me. I’m a crazy successful person as far as career and life and I have no one to share it with. Nowadays if you express anything that you have shared here, you’re called a SIMP or weak. This is doing a lot of damage to us as people. Your message and what you are sharing here is what we need to get back to if we really connect the way we are supposed to. Thanks.
I am studying to be a CPS worker and attachment is one of the things we learn about in developmental psychology. The reason being that our attachment style is mainly determined by our experiences with our main caretakers from birth until 4-5 years of age. I definitely agree that understanding your attachment style can help you greatly to navigate your relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Throughout my life, I've always felt like love isn't something that I'm meant to have. All of my experiences throughout my life primarily consists of people I don't socially mesh with (for some weird reason the people I do socially mesh with are taken or there's some other reason where a relationship wouldn't work), getting taken advantage of (literally most of my high school experience), or my insecurities telling me that it's too good to be true and I cut contact (if that makes any sense).
Thank you so much for this video! My codependency journey has been one of the toughest battles in my life leaving me with a lot of shame and guilt leaving me thinking that maybe is best not to date as I can't have "healthy bonds" with people All of these videos help me to understand myself better why am I the way I am, how can I look for better potential partners and how communication is key.
There are many nuances here to be effectively covered just by one word - dependence. Easily many co-dependent or immature people may use this video as an excuse, or generalise the meaning of codependency and attachment. It still stands that a person needs to fulfil their own needs WITHOUT the expectation, and with gratitude when another offers their help. Rather than saying codependency vs independence, what’s needed is a basic level of maturity. And thus, what is meant by healthy co-existence is interdependence, NOT codependence.
I really love attachment theory, it helped me realize that just because I prefer a certain way of commutation and showing love, it doesn’t mean everyone else does it the same way. It me see why problems may happen in relationships even the non passionate ones. And that we really need to be more understanding and accepting of others.
This was spot on! Attatchment styles and their understanding can change your life in so many ways, and can help you understand life through many different lenses. Truly life changing! I advise anyone to enrol in Thais Gibson's attatchment courses, they really changed my life. Everyone has something to work on and these courses are superb and you will see a massive difference in every aspect of your life
She just gave the definition of the “society love”, simple mutual benefits relationship disguised in “Love”. So basically here if there’s no more benefits in the relationship for them, love do not exist anymore, while Love is something unconditional, infinite, unique, really rare, for life and just magical.
If love is unconditional then why people breakup with each other? Why divorce happens? Why parents left their kids at a young age? Why siblings get apart from each other? Why amber heard and Johnny deep got divorced?? Because Love is never permanent dude........ Sorry to break it you but "Love" ain't unconditional. Your definition of love is simply the unrealistic, non existent that Hollywood tries to portray........... Real love is where both you and your partner grow together in this journey called LIFE.
@@makizenin1840 Not every couple break up or divorce. Not every parent leave their children behind. That being said, unconditional love is very rare. Not common.
Thank you Lana for sharing. I know that I have struggled for years trying to balance my self sufficient independence with my desire to share my life and time with someone special. And it's when I am alone, surfing IG, and everyone is telling me 'Be strong!, be independent!, don't rely on another person, for anything!, you don't need anyone!, learn to live alone', that I find myself becoming more anxious and depressed thinking, Oh My, somethings wrong with me?!?! It's nice to see a video that tells me I am fine, normal and not 'Needy', I am human and it's ok to feel as I do. I am looking forward to your next video in this series.
I have being learning about attachment lately and I have been loving. What I have learnt is I'm not ready for a relationship until I'm done with myself.
Hi sweetheart I have got my broken relationship fixed with the help this great Relationship Dr WITCHY who brought my partner Back in 48 hours after 8 months of separation🥰😍
Thank you for this video Lana, we never take the time to appreciate being dependent on a person, and when suddenly that person disappears, we notice how attached we were to that person
This is some good advice. I think the more we allow ourselves to be vulnerable the deeper the other person falls in love. I know this because that’s the exact reason why I love my husband ✨
Through years of meditation and spirituality I've gotten rid of my desires. Knowing between the differences between desires and needs; realizing the amount of things you'll actually care is close to none. That which you're not committed to, you'll never attach and that which you have no desire of, you'll never commit.
This is profound. People who are loved well, are people who have secure, stable, healthy and supportive friendships. They genuinely trust people to be there for them because their emotional needs have been met, since forever. They also have time to reflect, introspect, venture out and take opportunities, because they have a solid base. They perform better in school and they are less stressed at work. But people who have been backstabbed a lot or have not had their emotional needs met, are anxious, insecure, mistrustful and act out. They treat others how they have been mistreated. They either do well, to fill a void or they do not do well in school and work. Independence stemming from lack of trust and lack of having emotional needs met, is different from independence that stems from having one’s emotional needs met. The difference is obvious. If the person is angry, anxious, mistrustful, stressed, controlling and micro managing, the person obviously hasn’t had their emotional needs met. If the person is encouraging, helpful, positive, happy, supportive, delegates, not controlling and gives you room to breathe, they obviously have their emotional needs met. I’ve always said that people who have been single for years or act out, are people who have deep emotional and/or psychological issues. They’re too busy displaying how disturbed they are and how unmet their emotional needs are. They don’t have time to be better or excel in any field, because they’re not happy in their private lives. Their unmet emotional needs, baggage and trauma limits them from doing better and surpassing their own level of success, even if they have had success in certain areas.
That hit the nail right on the head. Dependency leads to Independence very strong statement because two people should bring the best out of one another
Well, yes of course, that's why we crave community .. Whether that's feeling secure with a parent, a partner, friends etc .. Human beings crave belonging and to try to deny that will leave you feeling unfulfilled. It's okay to need people, we are not islands 💙✨ Not to be clingy or anything but to allow people into your life - especially the people to understand and connect deeply to your love language.
you gave me a lot to think about Lana. as you usually do! definitely going to read the book wish you'd write your own book. i'll be the first to pre-order it no matter what it was about
I don’t think that the empowerment in a relationships stems from dependency. It stems from LOVE. You feel more confident and willing to open outwards because you are happy that you found someone special that brightens your day. It’s a matter of internal fulfillment rather than dependency.
Thank you for this video! This is also supported by the work of Judith Butler regarding the concept of Vulnerability - more on a larger scale, that not only takes romantic relationship in account but also all kinds of relationship even the fragility of the modern day economy. It basically says that one should acknowledge the other persons Vulnerability and take responsibility and vice versa - to truly find something like contentment in an interpersonal relationship it requires him/herself to be conscious of something, I like to call interdependency. Latter term is something you will find quite often in the work done by the sociologist Norbert Elias. I highly recommend his work since it is approachable and his thoughts regarding the relations between "the" individual and "the" society differ still to today in the perception of most people. (I apologize for my poor english als hope the main things came across)
I just happened upon this quote and I thought it was apropos: "Love cannot be reduced to the first encounter, because it is a construction. The enigma in thinking about love is the duration of time necessary for it to flourish. In fact, it isn’t the ecstasy of those beginnings that is remarkable. The latter are clearly ecstatic, but love is above all a construction that lasts. We could say that love is a tenacious adventure. The adventurous side is necessary, but equally so is the need for tenacity. To give up at the first hurdle, the first serious disagreement, the first quarrel, is only to distort love. Real love is one that triumphs lastingly, sometimes painfully, over the hurdles erected by time, space and the world." ~ Alan Badiou
Love this SO much! It's been a long time I've seen such a Hugh quality and impactful video on this platform. I'm excited for the upcoming parts! Thank you
I love your relationship videos :) So glad you are getting into attachment theory. The book attached is a bit limited in covering it. But hope you make more videos on what you find out about it :)
Hi Lana. How are you? And this video beautifully explains everything. Also there is request from my side......please do podcasts again🥺. Your podcasts were always helpful❤.
its not that you "NEED" your partner, but that you respect them, and their virtues, you love them outwardly for WHO they are, who they've shaped themselves to be and the gratification you get from loving someone who you respect is the prize you reap from that relationship. You hold them up for who they are as they do you. Both people have the strength and resolve to master themselves and control their own emotions without depending on someone else or something else. its not a codependency, its an earned reward, you deserve that person as they deserve you. both people need to have their own ambitions and goals. otherwise someones getting left behind. i disagree with a lot of these things, there's nothing i hate more than having to constantly worry about someone else, and "pay attention to their non verbal signals". THATS whats exhausting THATS what shortens my life, because i'm literally spending my time trying to console another person who hasn't mastered their own emotions and self. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO BE A THERAPIST TO YOUR PARTNER, and it should NEVER EVER feel that way. It honestly sounds like the people saying that stuff from the sample are just saying it so they can sound nice to their own ears. The dependency paradox can also be called a "security blanket", you depend on someone else to be there for you to fall back on and therefor feel confident, because the person with you is validating you. (youre with them, you have them, youre a WINNER yayy), when secretly you're still a broken person, or you dont equally value eachother (people cheat all the time), because they're CODEPENDENT and USE PEOPLE for VALIDATION. Why would you need to be with someone in order to feel more confident? or to feel more independent ? does that make any sense? no its completely ass backwards. Master yourself first, and dont EVER EVER think or expect that your partner or anyone owes you the shit you cant do for yourself. THE TRUTH is... not a lot of us are worthy of love, but we certainly are all capable of earning it. It starts with the person in the mirror always.
Love it! I am currently writing by Bachelorthesis in Psychologie about this topic. And I agree with everything you sad!! Could you maybe share the Literature that you used? I am especially interested in those studies. Thanks a lot
I wonder how much researched is this attachment theory. Seems like it tries to simplify a lot of things happening between human beings. I am reading it currently too. We will see.
codependency doesn't talk about emotional intelligence (being able to sense non verbal signals) nor healthy boundaries and work sharing. I think there are different definitions. The unhealthy one is where people cannot live without the other person, because they are financially or emotionally or somehow dependent on them.
The idea that we can be happy both not having children and waiting for the 'right person' to come along is a pretty hefty gamble. The reason being is there are certain parts of our brain/biology that literally begin to shut down if they're not 'provoked' to stay active as we get older. It's actually quite similar to people in late stages of cancer. Once they get 'so far' a person begins to feel biologically 'stuck in limbo' as a result and it's almost tantamount to developing adrenal issues. The reason is because you have to start developing intellectual pursuits as a substitute and our brains reach satiety with those things very quickly and you end up with no long term way to trigger chemicals in the brain that relate to intimate human interaction. It's like going mentally 'hungry' every day. When our bodies realize we no longer have natural security in 'proximity' to our bodies it begins to develop anxiety issues. Like the difference between interacting with someone at work vs someone you're in a relationship with or your own child and the limitations of the former. Or like tending to a garden outside your home as opposed to a community garden down the street from you. Also, negotiating in a relationship with a partner who is different than you is much more feasible to humans than over scrutinizing the pursuit of any potential partner to the point of self-defeatism. It can be a very dangerous place to be.
Specially true for men. Women HATE emotionally available men from what I have seen and to be a little cold and distant is always the most attractive. This video proves it
A video discussing attachment and dependency. Was the inclusion of Freddie in a lot of the video an example to illustrate the idea, or just a very happy coincidence ? Really enjoyed the video, more Freddie please. Thank you. 🙂 ❤🙂
i really liked this video , well explained and well structured , if you can make content regarding love and physiology that would be appreciated , thank you for your lovely videos ,
yes of course you somehow depend on your partner. Of course you should be ABLE to RELY on your partner, if you choose so. But you should never rely on your partner for happiness or money etc, they should not control your emotions and well being totally. It depends how we define codependency, but TOTAL dependence is never healthy... If you only can be happy when your partner is, this is toxic. Sadly there are people and attachmene styles that often go into the wrong kind of codependency, and as much as this is "normal", doesn't make it healthy.
this came in the most depressing time ever, as me and my partner have been barley talking and she have barley been showing any suppourt so it felt very bad to watch this
Most couples in my opinion, are most likely to eventually fall out of love than stay in it. Just from my personal observation, love can be exciting and new between couples in the earliest stages of a relationship. When that ends. couples grow bored with each other and leave when their personal needs are not met. Just look at the institution of marriage these days, and the high divorce rate.
Human is dependent to each other I think. We are social being. Happiness and inner peace could be achieve by thankful to what we have. Try to enjoy it and focus on positive think. Focus on what we "need" instead of pursuing what we "want"
Depending on somebody is not a weakness. As a guy, I think a women's strength is her empathy, ability to love and care. Men and women are dependent of each other for different things, complete each other in different ways. It can be a beautiful journey.
True words, with true facts, I think most people get also spoiled by the television how the TV industry presenting how things should be, how a relationship needs to be which has a big impact on peoples opinions and live, for taking some examples like you should not reply message within 3 days. Or if someone gives a lot of compliments in the beginning its not worth to spent more time, what I actually experienced my own that she did not wanted any contact anymore 🙈. Not 100 percentage under stable for me at least 🙈. People wearing all the time a mask are not honest about what they want, like, etc.. which is again causing a lot of troubles and problems in the relationship. Best regards from the cold north Northern Norway
