Hi Cody, at 61, I'm still figuring it out. Because of my many years of trying to be straight and trying to have a sex life, which neither worked for years and years. I'm happy being single living in the moment. I am ace, and that's good enough for me. I'm happy alone and not trying to work so hard to figure things out. I enjoy friends and community, and that's good enough for me, and I'm not settling. I'm genuinely happy. Thank you as always 💜
I am 50 and had in the past bad sexual experiences and because of that I believed it was the fear that made me not wanted to have sex and it took a long time and some curiosity about it and a good experience with it, with a very close friend that I still love, yet more in the sense now of truly being friends now, that the fear of sex disappeared, yet still I discovered through that relationship with him, that what I loved the most was the cuddling and kissing parts, and that the sex even though it was a nice feeling, it was not what I truly enjoyed the most. and looking back on my life I realized that even though I had crushes they were never sexual in nature, more romantic. So in the last year or so reading more into ace sexuality and the different labels and micro-labels and other stuff, I realize that I am probably a demi-sexual ace yet who is sometimes curious about sex and the sensuality of it, and can enjoy the romance in it for example movies, yet without the sexual attraction part. But yeah I am still learning so much about it. and letting go of so much false information I had about being ace. So thank you Ace Dad and other Ace late discoverers to discover more and more about what it really is. That makes me very grateful. For for A long time I thought I could not be ace, because of the sexual experiences I had, even though there was never the sexual attraction part in it. So Yes. all this information gives me more clarity about all of it. So slowly I am ready to call myself Ace💜🤍🖤
I still don't quite feel legit enough to be under the queer umbrella because I appear to be an ordinary enough middle aged, married, allo-cis-het person from the outside. My demi-ness is completely invisible unless you ask just the right questions. It's kind of like how no one thinks my sort of hearing impairment's actually a disability, even if I have no ability to tell where a sound is coming from, and have a very hard time singling out a voice in a crowd. Probably doesn't help that I only learned about demisexuality being a thing 15 months ago; and i'm 47. The definition & youtube stories were a revelation It's nice to know that I may not actually be a prude just because I'm squicked by sex outside of my romantic relationship, though.
I’m so glad you touched on the anxiety of sometimes not feeling Ace enough and not feeling enough for relationships. I struggle with this so much and feeling good enough for romantic and my platonic relationships.
Thank you for being here. I had some pretty traumatic experiences around sexual intimacy as a teenager and it’s made it really hard for me to know what my sexuality is. But your videos have helped me realize that if I feel clear about what I am NOT feeling, that is just as valid. I realized I went along with a lot of sexuality because that was expected of me and it has taken a toll. I finally feel like I am listening and not putting other people’s wants above my own. It’s also hard that sexuality is such a way that many of us are trained to find ourselves valuable to others- if we fit a certain definition of sexual attraction and appeal to people
I didn't start considering that I might be ace until I was 35 when I realized that my long therapy to get a grip on my extreme social anxiety had improved my life in all aspects but had made me no more interested in finding a romantic and/or sexual relationship with any person. A couple years after that I was reading some kind of 'common misconceptions about asexuals' list and started crying, which was alarming in the moment but eventually lead to me eventually being pretty sure that I was some flavor or aro/ace. Coming out to my parents and siblings was emotionally fraught but a positive experience.
Sometimes I feel like at 46, I'm too old to not have everything all figured out, but that's not true because I'm constantly evolving, re-generating, learning, growing, understanding. I shouldn't think of my life journey having an end point where I'm 103 years old and finally know all the answers. It's okay to not have it all figured out: about my gender, my sexuality... my hairstyle lol. Sometimes I need to chill, and live in the "now".
That’s one of the hardest things to learn to do. I struggle at being in the “now” all the time. But it’s good to work towards it. The more we spend being in the present the more we get to live the present
Thank you, I identified with your explanation and on the topic of anxiety, it doesn't matter if you are straight or gay or bi, in the end you have non-normative feelings that don't fit into it. I am graysexual and demiromantic and I also have a problem with other attractions such as sensuality, aesthetics, deep emotional ties, let's say the issue of squish... It is very difficult to find people who can understand you...😢
No one knows all the things, we are always a work in progress. Exactly this. ❤ I am still learning about myself. Learnt about Asexuality much late on in life. Had to figure out the Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Autism, ADHD, first in that order before I even got to Ace. 😊
I do have some anxiety around my aceness and agender. Am I queer enough to belong in the community? I feel anxious about coming out and getting told that I don’t belong.
One of the many things I appreciate about you and your channel is how much you pay attention to your audience and seem to appreciate the interaction. I hope your words reach many people who need to hear them! 💜
I relate so much to this. I didn't figure out I was Ace until I found out about it in my mid thirties. In high school, I figured I was just "too young". In college, I thought I was just one of those who didn't want one night stands. When I found the term " ace", it was a lightbulb moment and knew there was nothing wrong with me, I was Ace. I'm only out as ace to a couple of people. After doing more self reflection, I've also come to the conclusion that I am also non-binary. I know my journey is far from complete and there are days when I wonder why I didn't figure this stuff out a long time ago. Thank you for reminding us that life is a journey.
Ace Dad Advice has reassured my ace-ness and comforted me when I overthink my sexuality. People’s stories have never really directly related to me but I see in myself similar experiences as these stories. Thank you for this channel, Cody, what you are doing is so important.
Thank you so much for this video, Cody. I related a lot to the whole "I'm not good at being gay" part you talked about. The fact I was queer was pretty clear to me ever since I was a teenager, but every time I looked at other gays and how they were behaving, I felt a strange sort of disconnect - even though they were supposed to be "my" people? Basically, a very defining characteristic of myself was alien to me most of the time. Too afraid of being inadequate or just weird for my lacking interest and desire for anything sexual, I've never been in a relationship. Getting to know someone I was into (romantically, aesthetically) was torture because the only thing I could think about was "No matter how well we click, I'm not able to meet your expectations anyway." So either I refrained from approaching them, or if they showed interest I acted aloof, hoping they'd give up before I could disappoint them. Now that I know about asexuality, I've gained so much more confidence in myself. I'm not at the end of my journey, but not constantly beating myself up already is such a stress relief.
I got my first aro and ace pride stuff today (nothing too fancy, just a lanyard and a pin). This year will be the first Pride month I celebrate as an aro/ace person. I know there are still many questions waiting for me down the road but I'm fine with where I'm at right now, enough to say I'm in these spectrums and that's a good enough start.
I labeled *myself* that way for a long, long time, since I feel all the things for my husband and have done since a year after making friends with him in college. 25ys later I learned about demisexuality, and it explains so much. Getting brand new feelings at 20 is seriously weird, lol
I am in process of coming out right now …it goes along with healing my PTSD. So, I am in the process, feeling alive again and it is a such relief, but I also feel down and sick and everything at once last days. I feel so hopefull - the chance of healing my trauma matters so much! However, as everyone things I am straight and I just was not lucky enough to keep a partner, coming out later in life may seem sudden as out of nothing and that makes it kinda confusing and scary, too. Pushing against the world also resonates with me - I’ve been a really big ‘pusher’ and I allways needed to say myself ‘just slow down and live your live’. Thanks for sharing, this is so affirming!
A skill that I’m realizing I use that helps me with not just dealing with my queer anxiety, but life (and impending death) as well, is sitting in the unknown. I’ve changed my relationship to it, and it’s enabled me to listen to my anxiety. It’s a skill that, now that I’ve found language for, am trying to grow and practice. Thank you so much for your story and sharing it. I so much appreciate your experience and your willingness to share it.
i came out as gay first, because i was just so tired people kept shoving me into heterosexual binary sterotypes. at that time i had no idea about ace or nonbi or anything other than gay, straight and bisexual. later when i figure out that i might be aro ace, it becomes so hard for me to come out again. as if what i'd said was a lie. and some people i talk to just have no idea what ace is, let alone aro. they just kept saying it's all because i haven't met the right one yet. it's annoying and later became tiresome
Similar to your story, before I found out asexuality was a thing at about age 40, I was “straight and not good at it.” After finding out about asexuality; and aromanticism a few years later, I was relieved that I finally found vocabulary that more closely fit my experience, but the anxiety that followed me didn’t go away, at least not right away. The anxiety of “am I aro/ace/queer enough” still follows me. One of the things I try to remember is that whatever I do is not going to be enough for some people, and I’ll drive myself crazy trying to meet others’ expectations. It’s at this point I turn inward and ask, “[scarysadflan], what do YOU want?” Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It helps that I’m not alone in this. 🖤🩶🤍💜
Oh yeah, I know the "straight and not good at it" - feeling. Same here. I figured out I was ace in my 30s and aro in my 40s. Still feel like I'm "bad at being straight" sometimes 😅
"Straight and bad at it" is exactly what I've been feeling all my life. I wanted emotional closeness, but could never manage the sexual attraction part that seemed to make everyone go crazy and drive so much of the early stages of relationships. I just don't experience that. Some friends would say, "Oh, you're just scared of being vulnerable/intimacy." But I knew it wasn't that per se because I'm able to build close relationships with plenty of friends and family. I have been my happiest since I removed for myself the pressure to date/find someone about 7 years ago. Even then, I could never understand why it just seemed such a burden for me and never feels right. In the past 2 years, I finally found info about the ace spectrum and it's helped to make sense of things. But it's been a bit disconcerting to get to your mid 40s and shift so much how you think about yourself. It is anxiety-provoking.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I came out to self and others as ace at age 50. I think it took so long because I am aego and experience arousal, particularly towards women. I’m homoromantic towards men and my one experience of sexual attraction was toward a man but it was powerful because I was manic at the time. Romance and sexuality are particularly anxiety producing for me as part of my schizoaffective disorder. I’m 54 almost now and happier than I have ever been as a single person. I’m open to a relationship with a man but not really looking. Being out as ace set up a permission structure and I no longer beat myself up for being single as I have been for about 30 years.
Wow this resonates so much, the mix of anxiety and queerness. Thank you for the brilliant analogy of turning in an incomplete assignment!! I laughed out loud. I was so tortured in college because I desperately wanted to be gay, but I didn't want to have s*x with women, only deep friendships and maybe cuddles. I was more physically attracted to men, and assumed that the string of bad s*x experiences was just some bad luck, assumed that one day I would like it more. Eventually I came out as bi, but it felt so hollow and like I was a fraud. I have finally landed on ace, aro/gay and trans (non-binary but leaning masc) and I finally feel whole and legitimate in my identity. It took me 40 years too. It's weird that labels mattered so much to me, but they really have helped me feel at peace. Thank you for being YOU and sharing your journey!!
Thank you and your videos are very helpful. It is nice to know others struggled with these things. It took me into my 30s to realize I am ace and I feel like I should have known sooner. Now that I know it is strange because I have not told anyone because I have no one to tell. Most people just assume I am single or dating and not talking about it or that I am still scarred from my divorce (which is ridiculous because that was 10 years ago). It is strange because I feel like I should have known sooner and I kind of want to tell someone. Other personal experiences are very helpful to hear.
Cody, you just made my day a whole lot better. Your words about how to deal with all the anxiety and such, your advice... Gosh, I have been needing to hear that for a while now. Those exact words. I've been so low lately. Not exactly depressed but I feel like the world is so heavy and yes, that I'm pushing against it so hard. So when you started that part of the video I just paused inside and took a deep breath and internalised those words. I would record them in a file if I could. To hear whenever I feel low and fight against a wall. Thank you so much Ace Dad.
Thank you for sharing this story. I just discovered my aceness in November of 2023, but stories like yours help me to understand things better. I am happy to learn about this, and this does help me to watch for those feelings. I still have a long journey to go.
Thank you for your videos they have been very helpful as someone that didn't start questioning until I turned 40 your videos have helped me learn and understand a lot more now and look forward to the journey of figuring out who I really am.
Thank you for this video Cody. I have a twin and she has had many sexual experiences whereas I haven’t had any. I know everyone is different, but it’s hard to comprehend as a twin. She and I went through the same kind of trauma, so that also makes things very confusing. I’m working through my trauma with EMDR currently, and I wonder how different I’ll feel when I’ve processed more of the trauma. Sex just seems so alien and aggressive and so separate from intimacy and love, in my brain. I hope I can understand myself more, and stop ruminating on sex and should I be having it.
Give yourself grace, my friend. We all arrive at ourselves at different times, so celebrate small wins as you go. It’s awesome that you’re making the effort to figure it out - not everyone does that. And remember: the only amount of sex you should be having is the amount of sex you want to have.
I never belonged anywhere, I everyone unless I was working in sex related field didn't want to have sex, the whole events around that was anxiety producing for me and truthfully when I had it majority time I didn't either or promptly regretted. No matter who I was there was something, some unwanted, some type oppressive rejection, some negative thing that was occurring in spite all the sales pitches that sexuality and sexual connection was important, healthy, everyone was doing, wtf is wrong me, oh you're doing it wrong and nobody will ever really want you messaging. This went on for decades. Almost 59 and its anxiety producing, depressing confusing and miserable as ever and maybe I am not true blue anything but sorry I don't have means to pay for it or get 500 dollar sex therapy sessions and nobody has ever loved me that and that feeling for most part has been mutual even with rare exception.
You don’t have to be true blue anything, friend. Just be you. And you’re right about those sales pitches - they’re just pitches not realities. How you are and who you are is not a problem nor is it a defect.
