Are They a Narcissist or Codependent? 

Codependency and vulnerable narcissism often go hand in hand. And narcissists are addicted...to narcissistic supply. When narcissists are not addicted, they are not narcissists! They fall more on the sociopathy/psychopathy spectrum.

I was mislabeled as a narcissist when going through a mental health crisis in my late 20s. I was high on amphetamines when the attending psychiatrist diagnosed me. Once I stopped taking speed and getting hammered I was able to start recovery work and another psychiatrist reversed the diagnosis. The label really hurt, however. My therapist back in those days informed me that the fact that the label caused me to wonder about my effect on the other people in my life, and that considering the notion that I may be hurting them and not seeing it, was painful to me, proved that I was not a narcissist but something else. I see that now, 25 years later. Thank you. I was always very careful after that label was applied to me because when I investigated narcissism proper it seemed like a real NPD is a monster. I don't think I'm a monster. I can love, I can have empathy . . . just not perfectly all of the time. In fact, my inability to regulate empathy - and have porous boundaries - caused many more problems for me than the times I was hard and grandiose. Thanks for these videos. Learning about codependency is of paramount importance. How come most shrinks don't talk about it? I quit going to my therapist a long time ago because talking about myself all the time was getting frustrating, and seemed unproductive : I wanted to change, and it wasn't - isn't - happening. Maybe knowing about codependency is what I needed all along. This is the first time I have heard of it.

This was very enlightening. Thanks so much. At 81 years old, I’m finally understanding.

I swear this is me. I feel like I can be SO narcissistic but I’m aware of all my mistakes and deep down all I want to do is help others. I am an addict in many ways but cycle through each one. I am in therapy and am finally getting help for myself.

I think empathy is another distinction from what I have seen ! I believe co dependents feels empathy where narcs do not. I am a psych nurse and have worked with these people. I understand there could be co defendants that may have a lack of empathy. However, I think there is a little more grey area there than understood. Just my thoughts !

I just wanted to add that in a world rampant with trauma and mental illness, sometimes with our pets is the safest place to find connection. Even if not a "true" connection, the safety gives it value and appeal.

I don't have pets at the moment. I just want to say that a narcissist will try to isolate you from any emotional connections you have, other than themselves, and this includes pets. They may try to find a reason to get you to get rid of your pets, or they may harm them in order to hurt you. I think we must be very careful of people who give ultimatums: choose between your pets and me. This is a classic control maneuver. I just wanted to make people aware of this. That's all. Carry on.

Kenny, you have eased my pain and concern for a loved one. I now understand that healing is possible. Hearing about your inner struggles was a lightning bolt of clarity. Thank you so much!

If I have to get rid of my animal for somebody then I’m not with the right person. The only exception is if my child has allergies then I would have to find a new home for my animal. But if a person comes into my life knowing that I have a cat or a dog and they’re allergic to them they need to tell me that upfront and not tell me later and then expect me to get rid of my animal friend! Animals are not objects either

I have struggled greatly in my past 2 relationships. I've been built up and torn down several times. I'm 42 and have had 2 long term and 1 short and have never spent more then a month or so being single. These videos have help me more then I can say. I am starting to understand that yes the behavior I have experienced was wrong but the behavior I gave in return was just as wrong. It is painful to come to this realization. Also grateful to be seeing there is a path to a healthy version of seeing things. I know it will be a long road but I am ready. Thanks for these videos.

Thank you for clarifying and confirming what I suspected this person in my family is a narc. I know i was codependent - it's how I was raised. and have worked on changing that for many years so my kids would benefit from my awareness.

I would love to see you and Dr. Ramani do a video about Narcissism on MedCircle. The DSMIV/DSM-V has different categories of Narcissism. You didn’t cover Covert Narcissism, which has a back door to demonstrate their traits. I understand though it’s not possible to read the entire section about the Diagnosis Narcissism in one video. It would take 3 videos to do a thorough overview of a Covert Narcissism.

Excellent content! I’m a therapist and learn something new everyday. Well presented.

It’s really helped me to understand the difference between the two. I was in a relationship with a narcissist and it was very painful in more ways than one!

This was insane I really needed to listen to this. I am trying to heal after realizing I was dating a narcissist for 5 years every single point mentioned just hit too perfectly especially with how consistent it was no matter what. I wish I stumbled on this video sooner. I am realizing that I am a falsely empowered codependent. There is so much I want to understand about myself and for such a long time I was constantly being told that I'm insane and crazy. I tend disconnect, runaway pretend that everything is okay. I move towards vices wheather its pouring my attention into my games, drugs, pets and moving my intimacy away by removing sex when I felt vulnerable. I go through these phases where everything is great and then I go into these erratic periods where I just feel very self conscious and my anger and fear shows. I really recognize I have my moments and I do want to be better. I have a hard time reaching out for help but I am really wanting to heal. Thank you for sharing this.

Maybe my now deceased mom, was not a narcissist, but highly code pendants. She suffered a lot. She came to this world, not wanted during 2WW, her father, my grandfather, was a German soldier, that was part of the occupation in Denmark. Back then was horrible, because my grandmother had a child with "the enemy" back during the war. My grandmother passed her shame to my mom. That shame hurted me, and my 2 older sisters. My mom also gave me warm and love. Now I see it clearly after your video. Thank you Kenny, muck appreciate 🙏

Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. Thank you for educating us regarding this amazing topic.

Im coodependent, I have learned to stop my mistakes that come from my feelings, sometimes it's stronger then myself and I immediately recognize the fault after it happens. Sometimes I feel so bad for hurting the other person.

I like your self awareness and honesty. If only I knew people like that in real life… sigh

It feels (to me) like I'm always entangled with true narcissists. I'm very much a falsely empowered codependent, but my dating record is pretty wicked

Much needed information about what narcissism isn’t…in an overly accusatory you tube environment.

HEY! This is so helpful. I'm not sure where I fall in now but I'm still fascinated about all of it. I am INFJ, natural observer, my mom married a narcissist when I was 8 and the show from them that I've gotten throughout my 39 years...wow. Step dad tortured me at a young age and my heart was falling by age 19 and I don't know how much longer I have left... watching and listening to you brings me comfort. Thank you friend and God bless you. ❤

The avoidance of reality vs not even being in touch.

Wow, this gives me so much insight on what I thought was narcissistic behavior but never quite fit. Grew up with this as my parent and it's the puzzle peice I needed on my journey of understanding. Thank you so much for the in depth analysis. I also applaud your personal vulnerability. That is not an easy thing to do, especially on socials, and builds a level of trust and respect for you that typically takes me a long time to give out.

Mr Weiss, with Ramani Durvasula and Dr Les Carter, you have broken down narcissism and categories of co-dependency (falsely empowered Co-dependent) which has been eye opening, illuminating as well as thought provoking. I can’t say it often enough, many thanks sir, for this poignant vid for us novices when it comes to psychological issues. 🙏🏿

Kenny, I’m so glad you’ve explained these two comparisons. I’ve been listening to you and others on podcast providing examples of narcissist personality types. But now when comparing the 2, I realize that my friend is a co-dependent person. My friend and I have been dating for 2+years, for a while I was being screamed on, yelled at, even down to the TV. I set boundaries stuck to them and we moved slowly by talking threw some of the issues. We argued, well he argued about politics but didn’t vote, he even admitted that he pushed me too far. He’s 72 years old and I’m 65 years old, and he’s a lawyer, diagnosed with Depression & anxiety disorder, but gets his treatments regularly. Because he’s lost so much because of his illnesses., After I listened to you explain it I believe he’s co-dependent. I’m being vigilant, there’s been no more yelling screaming or TV time, and this whole situation opened the door to more conversations that were met with acceptance. I feel more people should listen to your podcast on Co-dependency vs. Narcissist. And I’ll look & read other information you mentioned. Thanks for all the information.

These seriously is the best. I was so confused about how someone can exhibit so many characteristics of narcissism yet based on the years of research I have come to believe he's NOT a true narcissist and it was really confusing! I started to almost believe narcissism was simply an EXTREME form of codependency but THIS MAKES EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED ADD UP TO FINALLY MAKE SENSE! THANK YOU!

This is probably the best video I’ve seen, describing the traits of the 3! It helps me look at myself and learn things about me so I can improve.

This was all very helpful. Thank you!

You looked so sharp, professional and elegant! Thank you for your videos. And yes… you are not a narcissist!

What a fantastic explanation! Many thanks to you for this video and your others. Sooo many puzzle pieces are clicking together with each video that I watch.

I completely agree. Much to contemplate. Thank you

This is huge information! Thank you so much! Precious!

This helps me with forgiveness of myself and my husband who left me when I became severely and chronically ill. These seriously is the best. I was so confused about how someone can exhibit so many characteristics of narcissism yet based on the years of research I have come to believe he's NOT a true narcissist and it was really confusing! I started to almost believe narcissism was simply an EXTREME form of codependency but THIS MAKES EVERYTHING I'VE LEARNED ADD UP TO FINALLY MAKE SENSE! THANK YOU!

Really eye opening info. I never knew the difference and now it makes so much more sense. I thought I was with a narcissist and had to leave, now I know there is hope. Thank you for explaining in laymen's terms, really useful.

Thank you for the clear information. Always doubting myself but this makes it more clear. I bought the P. Mellody book also 👍🏼👋🏼

Truly an underrated channel! This will stand the test of time. Sharing!

Oh my goodness. Thank you. I am battling co-dependency and this helped me sooooooooo much!!!!

Subscribed because you literally just explained everything I was confused about my ex. Thank you so much for sharing this valuable knowledge.

Great deep dive, thanks for clarifying this, definitely dealing with codependency. I will have to watch the other video.

This is the best video explaining the diffrences and removes a lot of the confusion.. Thank you.

Incredibly useful video, thank you!

Thanks for the explanation/clarification. That explains a lot of what I have experienced with some guys. .including those I have met in self help or 12 step groups. I give them kudos for the awareness, however the behavior was very confusing for me. Professional help is always an asset, including yours truly. Not baffled anymore.. .love your videos about getting out of the victim identity, very helpful and freeing. Thank you

There’s several disorders that a lay person could mistake for Narcissism. For example Bipolar disorder, social anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, ect… It is important to consult a psychiatrist. In the least get an experienced therapist to get a referral. There’s a couple factors that are consistent with Narcissism *lack of empathy, * lack of awareness, * entitlement. Take note a narcissist does know about empathy otherwise they couldn’t manipulate us by using it. They chose not to be empathetic. They don’t get it. I think somehow they developed the belief; they don’t remember when that it protects them. Have you ever confronted a narcissist about who they are? They will get enraged. They will armor themselves and resist until they wear you down. Hopefully, you walk away. Maybe even leave and give them space for about 3-4 hours if you happen to live with one. As far as lack of awareness, my belief is that they don’t have a clue; especially, a covert narcissist. It’s too buried beneath their pain. That’s what I’ve observed. I don’t judge. I have empathy for my Covert Narcissist husband. Unfortunately, that’s why I’m stuck. I have no gain from him. He doesn’t contribute towards compassion, nor financially. I pray for peace of mind away from him. I’d say we are roommates. I would not call him a friend because friends respect each other, he has no respect. In addition, people don’t mistreat friends. That’s what he does best, so does our daughter. There’s that cycle again.

Thank you for this distinction! I've been thinking I had a covert narcissist in my life but with this info I think she is codependent. She definitely has those seasons you talk about. Friday I received a Facebook Message from her and today a letter in the mail. It was like they were written by 2 different people. Very jarring, but with your new info, it makes sense. She just had a change in season since mailing the letter. Thank you again! Keep up the great work!!!

Thank you so much for this. In the last few months I have done a lot of inner child work and thought my father was a narcissist but now it looks like false co dependent. He was neurotic , emotionally absent (still is but less ), drank a lot and traveled a lot for work growing up (so also physically absent). To this day he spends way more time on his iPad than his own wife (my mother) and or me when I visit. He is 71 years old. I don’t even know if it’s even worth bringing it up to him and pointing out these flaws. I struggle with wanting to heal our relationship / educating him on how much he impacted me by being this way. I’m leaning towards just accepting him the way he is because he is too old to change. So thank you for making me realize this has a name.

Nicely done, Kenny!

I'm so glad I listened to you tonight Kenny. If you could see inside my brain right now 🥳😎😘

I find it increasingly difficult to handle the pain. I love my friend. Also I acknowledge I am over my head. I lack the physical and emotional strength to support him. ❤

Thank you sir for this clip. I was doubting about that, but my mom (who had a severe abusive childhood really bad) had empathy and care but treats that i can place better and with the love i think she still deserves. I had a hard time learning bounderies and self and realized many things this mainly by getting my daughter. But i also behave like a loony with my emotions. I'm sad that these corners of name stagnate a lot. They A't this false impowered first state and then go all dependent to much on daughters raised by single moms. That this type had that because of those moms. But i think they are probably also co dependent single parenthood gives the indication of less stable childhood themselves and so on. THANK YOU for putting these detailes and ibam gonna look her up!! Belgium

This was an awesome fricken video thank uuu for sharing

Love this video thank you for sharing !

Lots of good information in this video. Thank you for taking the time to spread your knowledge with us Kenny.

First time listening and you make a lot a lot of sense. I already understand myself better in a way that I couldn’t put my finger on before. I’m an alcoholic almost two years sober and in AA. I’m separated with two small children and their mom is a covert narcissist without addiction besides herself.

Wow!! Thank you for this information, you have eased my anxiousness over this topic. Thank you thank you thank you for your transparency on this subject ❤

Just feels like there is a spectrum of narcissism with full blown detachment and self importance at the top & awareness of ego at the bottom. Ego is a self identity we all have and seems to be part of the human experience for survival. Everyone has varying intensity’s of ego with complete non awareness of it being a narcissism and complete awareness of it being a functional human being. It seems the level of awareness is the determining factor.

I was definitely co dependent with narcissistic ways

Truelly I like your transparency a lot. Thank you for being the way you are. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Wow. Thank you for your hard work and for this very well explained differentiation between Narcissism and Falsely Empowered Co-dependent. I was married for 20 years to what I now believe was a Falsely Empowered Co-D as there was a lot of addiction. I am grateful to be able to name it and learn about it as it was a very difficult twenty years. I craved intimacy but only could get it at an arms length. Obviously I am a co-dependent to have found myself in that ‘relationship’. I’ve been out ten years and still learning and trying to figure us all out and how to be better🙃 I will read Pia’s book. My daughter and son-in-law have also discovered your work. You’re reach seems to be far and wide. Keep going💪🏼! Thank you greatly!

This video changed my entire view. Good information

One of the most important videos on the subject.

Thanks you so much for your effort. Yes, I am this type of codependent... In my relationship with my vulnerable narc wife I experienced that I can be that way - but it was always a choice and she did not had this choice... At some point I blamed her for what I am in some way - but the truth is that I was this all my life. That probably attracted her in many ways... At some point I thought I developed this behavior as response to her suppression - ending up as a cheap copy of her without knowing where it came from. There were many vague situations when I realized that I have this narc-lookalike traits... and lots of situations when I attracted other narcs - probably for being realized as the better narc with generous attitudes... thats bed and breakfast for a real narc and never-ending story to get lost. All the Best !

Thank you for explaining so well

😊you are awesome!❤ Thanks for the info. I love the way you share

Sir, I salute you... This is definitely one of the best videos... Thank you for your efforts.

"But true connection is with a human being!" Thank you, people diappointed in people don't know what we people really are: The only being with freedom, the only being with an individual I/ spirit, the only being not specialized but unlimited and adaptable, which is difficult... He deserves our deepest interest, compassion, joy and care. There should be an other word for the falsely-empowered women though: Real Co-dependency gives and helps others to the point of getting sick, depleted and even dying, with compassion and self-sacrifice ,- which your new falseley empowered woman doesn't . If I got you right?

Your videos saved my relationship

Thank you for such a great explanation.

Hey Kenny. I love your videos. I just started watching you a few weeks ago. Glad to see you thriving and you are helping others be aware. Thank you. ❤

Thank you so much for sharing!

everyone's a "narcissist" these days... it's all the rage.

I love your honesty and how you are truthful about yourself. I am feeling better about my husband, maybe her is not an N, but a CO instead. Thank you. We are in therapy, we'll see where it goes. I will look for Pia Mellody. Is she a person or therapy style?

I am a high empath and you have helped me to learn much about myself. I like Wise did not think that I needed help coping, but I am beginning to see that I Probably need counseling.

So greatfull that I found you! The way you talk, completely understand and retain your Information and feel that you are talking to me one-on-one. Definitely pointed out blind spots (character flaws) and the emotional, mental and spiritual areas that must have evolution - thank you much Mr. Weiss😇 ( Weiss ~ isn't the grammer rule: i before e, except after c? weird?😉)

Very well explained. Enlightening.

This explains a lot!

Hi Kenny, Before I continue to watch this video, you demonstrate self awareness. I think you are a recovering Codependent. You are working on rebalancing yourself. I have believed writing is a great form of therapy. Along with verbalizing your thoughts. Thank you for sharing.

So good!

Always working on balance. You're doing good.

Thank you so much for this video. I'm in a long-term relationship that is having some really hard times right now. And my boyfriend just labeled himself a narcissist and I told him you are a narcissist but you're not like the bad type of narcissist. And I didn't really know what I was saying and he didn't really know what I meant. Now I know what I meant. Thank you so much for this. I really hope this information can help my relationship but even if it doesn't it has helped me understand the difference and help me understand that I myself am codependent

Yes, admittedly addictions are definitely prevalent. Addiction to animals is my current addiction. My horses have (unintentionally)broken my fingers, toes and ribs. But, they will never break my heart. Animals have unconditional love even if it’s based on the fact that you feed them. People these days are generally, disconnected, unreliable and unfaithful. It’s tragic.

Thank you, it helped me to understand what is the person I have met. I was wondering and you have helped me a lot.

My husband has all of them. One thing i dont understand is why he can't appologise when he do me wrong? He "never do wrong "

More people need to see this

This just explained so much. I have a sibling that is like the highly addictive codependent. This explained so freaking much. Thank you. I am watching more of your videos.

my opinion is narcissists have a passive (loving way) to disminishing you and have real pleasure out of it. codependent may have a passive way but no pleasure out of it or they feel remorse. I mean If you arent a narcissist you know what is accountable to take pleasure from and its not to diminish a narc because he will not feel anything other but fresh supply

Love the way you get it across. God bless you.

This has answered a lingering question :D

New subscriber wow you are amazing love the way you explained it out I'm excited to watch your videos

I love your videos. They’re so helpful- I really enjoy your examples (keeping it easy & simple is always best). It clicks and I’ve been listening to a lot of these types of videos. I’m trying to educate myself as I’ve been having some issues with my in-laws and it’s been seeping into our marriage. Thank you for making your videos- I know it takes a lot of time and patience.

I'm gonna share this with a positive message ofcourse 😁👍💯

I thankyou so much for this video ❤

I just wanted to thank u so much for recommending the book facing codependency.. it was such an enlightening book .. 🙏 It helped me understand that me and my partner suffered from co dependent.. in different ways... she is brilliant

My mother has all of them. Now I think my father is codependent and hers first victim . Anyway, to be distant to them both is a very good therapy. Most of all, emotional distance.

I lash out at times, I over think things. I think things that will happen, and no proof that it will happen.

Wow, this video has just changed everything for me! Thank you so much for this information. I feel a lot less confused now and so many gaps have been filled for my situation! My question is, how does this codependency effect the other person in the relationship? Could it look like an emotionally abusive relationship, where the FECD puts down the other person with the intention of feeling better about themselves, rather than the control that a narcissist seeks? And how would that effect the other person in the relationship, over time, if nothing changes?

From the video, it sounds like a narcissist is a 100% falsely empowered codependent. And that the DSM requires the 100% for a diagnosis of narcissism. But what good is it if you are dealing with a 98% falsely empowered codependent (or other cluster B disorder)? The likelihood that such an individual will ever do the work and introspection to change is extremely low.

interesting, thank you

Peace and blessings 🙏

When you said animals exploded I thought of that band Atomic Kitten hahahahaha