Hi #selfhealers, My apologies for the sound in this video. I didn't realize my mic was not connected until I uploaded the video. Sound will be a priority on the next batch of videos! Thank you for being here. Nicole
Thank you...Maybe you can have a do-over with this one. It seems like good info, but really difficult to absorb with the poor audio. I will try it with earphones though; thanks to Zach for the tip.
I really appreciate how you condense a lot of complex psychological issues into your videos and don't waste people's time as many creators of similar content do on RU-vid. Really helpful, bite-size chunks of information which let people decide what they want to learn more about/get help with.
Anytime I spot push-pull, mind games, highs, or any pattern I had been used to I almost immediately dump the person. It’s gotten easier as I keep reminding myself what my ideal relationship would look like, and what my boundaries are. So relevant. Earlier this year I burned a list with all the names of guys I was attracted to or dated in the past, and asked the universe for the opposite. I’m getting ready for it. Thank you 🙏🏻🤗
Carus Productions yes until you find this ideal partner and after couple of years it becomes boring and then you realize even more just how fucked up you are
You need to change yourself, not try to claim the problem is in the people you date. You are asking for universe to give you things? Thats magical thinking right there. You have issues, thats why you attract and are attracted to people who have issues. Healthy people are not interested in people burning lists and asking universe to give them stuff.
@@Nobody-Nowhere your overreaction to somebody else's ritual says more about you than about them. We all have different processes to focus our minds on what we want and how we want to change. Regardless of whether there's any magic in it, those symbolic actions are psychologically powerful. I hope that you have found ways to do the same, and I respect whatever processes work for you.
Wow. This is more valuable than all the gold one could ever buy. Being familiar with the withdrawn parent, I realize that I withdraw in my own relationships. And I find people who don't hold me accountable to get to a deeper emotional level. Thanks to the healing process, I'm transforming. The point about shame at the end is so important. And perhaps to emphasize it even more, like Nicole says at the beginning of the video, how it comes the body (neurotransmitters, chemicals, and hormones, and our nervous system) is REAL. It's no different than healing a broken leg. Thank you Nicole for your wisdom, your vulnerability, and your teaching. Praying that this awareness spreads to all four corners of the world 🙏🏻
I have an attachment trauma. Fearful avoidant. And just recently i realized its because of emotionally unavailable parents. Im in pain. I have resentments for them that i need to let go. I keep crying. :(
I’m here for you. I am the same. I love you because you’re a human being and i am sending you love. I believe people deserve this knowledge to heal. Stay safe
Please do the hoopononpono if you can by Sandra Rolus, it broke the same cycle in me. Then after love yourself and hopefully others when you are ready to. The freedom is amazing if l can do it you can do it, love and light to you🥰
Itsabout understanding this sadness and not to blame others as perhaps they didnt knew any better. And didn't know how to break this cycles. Hence addiction. But as much is easy to say it. It is hard. Breaking of mother and father is when we see life
5 seconds in and I am in love with you already 😂. Kinda ironic. Happens with other youtubers as well, to the point I have to hide their channels because watching them makes me sad I won’t get to be with them.
Wow this is incredibly brilliant. I love how you explain this. I do believe I was in trauma with my other relationships, and now I'm in love! More than anything, I think this is because I learned how to heal myself and so did my partner. We can't "fix" each other, but we are patient, loving, and honest mirrors to each other. When we notice conflict arise, we look inwardly and see how we may be projecting issues we have with ourselves onto each other. It's never been that "bubble" love I had with other partners, but it's nourishing in the best ways :)
To all who read this, it's not all your faults. Forgive yourself and forgive the people. You just need time to heal. Once you feel okay you can see better of which person that's really matter for you and is worth fighting for. Learn to heal, learn to love. ❤ You're not alone, been there done that.
I’m In a beautiful relationship right now with someone who cares deeply, but I am the one still working in the trauma coupling stage of my life. I am aware of it though and that is a huge step towards healing. 💜
my current struggle is the people i keep meeting are either the traumabond type or high narcissistic traits (both the self-centeredness ME ME ME stuff, or the hot/cold, push/pull stuff.). so it makes you start wondering if any healthy relationships are even out there to be had. or WHERE to meet people who aren't so dysfunctional. --------even just people who may be dysfunctional, but are working on themselves or are in therapy (in other words, capable of admitting there's a problem, (Accountability!) an interest in healing themselves, doing the work, evolving, growing).
Ive become to know that I can't expect a person to make me balanced; that's impossible, not to mention it turns into a hostage battle, lol. When I started living right and honest and created boundaries with those two attributes it seemed that my new relationships became right and honest. I let my relationships play themselves out letting each individual be themselves without judgment and it either grows and bonds or it goes away on its own... I'm sure a psychologist would be able to articulate that; but that's how I experienced it.. Kool video bytheway....
I totally agree. A phrase I've been thinking of lately in response to a complicated relationship I've been involved in is "Let it go to let it grow". This helps me find some openness (not neediness or expectation) to whatever the future holds.
Agree. I was just journaling today about how my ex and I were in trauma bond - that's the first time I put such a label on it. Part of me wishes I had not watched the video tonight, b/c I'm still grieving the end of the relationship, so it was a bit triggering (mainly b/c at the end about working on issues while still a couple). Had I known of this content it may have helped us, but then again, I'm not sure. The relationship was only a year long, and LDR as well. But, still, yes, uncanny timing for me too. Can youtube look into my journal?! 🕵🏼♀️ Thank you, Nicole, for your clarity.
I was on the FENCE ABOUT THIS until she MENTIONED WERE IT MAINLY COMES FROM IN MY CHILDHOOD I SEE THAT I DIDN,T GET MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS MET EVEN IN THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT I CERTAINLY HAVE THEIR IS NO EMOTIONAL DEPTH 🌌♒️🎆🪐💫✨
Coming from a person who was literally an abuser because of their past trauma, I went through what could have been an amazing and beautiful relationship and tore it all down without ever even realizing it until it was too late. I’ll never be that person in a relationship again, because the pain of it ending pushed me to realize I wasn’t being my authentic self. All I ever did was repeat what my parents had done to me as a child and projected that onto her. Never again will that cycle repeat, I’m healing and feeling more level-headed than ever. 💕
My ex husband did this. And I'm trying in so many ways to help him realise that I understand, and forgive him, if he is willing to do the work on himself.... But he continues to push me away, blame me, and fight it/run to the easier option. I hope, one day, he can do the work on himself and maybe find the way back. I deserve better, I deserve who he pretended and promises over and over to be. And until then... well I guess that's up to him to realise or not.
It is ridiculous when we trigger our trauma bonding with person who look like our parents, we think that is our love, why this type of love make me feel so painful? Anxiety, depression, sad, eager......a lot of feeling come out so strong, because that negative emotions from past childhood.that kind of hurting feeling hide at our body without realizing until we meet the narcissist person who look like our parents.
Very interesting stuff... people often return to what they know or have gotten used to, but we must learn to break this habit if we are to evolve and become the best version of ourselves 🌈 namaste, have a nice day xxxxxxxxxxx
Push/Pull dynamic was strongly predominant We mirror each other but for different reasons and in different ways. Our behaviours did not mirror each other but our feelings and triggers were similar. I chose to walk in the light but he chose to stay in the dark. He helped me awaken and I wish the same for him on his jouney. He's stuck in defiant pain & misery, self sabotage and blame/shame He's stuck in overly entitled ego and pride, materialism and appearances I'm done with the unfulfilled unloving dissatisfaction Enough pain and I choose to be happy and stable I do love him but his patterns are unhealthy and fixed I hope he can overcome his resistance to level up but realize It's an extremely difficult challenging all consuming battle requiring tremendous strength, determination, courage, fortitude, willpower, effort, desire and willingness I wish him all the best but until he awakens and fully heals he has to let me go 💗🌟🕊
✔️✔️✔️ all true. Imagine if we had the resources early on in life to break this down and heal. Of course not everyone would take the time to learn and work towards that goal. But my guess is the stats I offer about divorce numbers of first and second marriages in my Family law course would be significantly less than where those stats run now in my state, close to 50%. Thanks for sharing
Thank you again. I have to say, I want to work on my self and I have been trying, with the help of your channels and I am so grateful. I do notice that it's hard not to send everyone who I want to.... fix... all your content. How does this work. Can I do this or is that too much unsolicited advice.. haha.
@Billy-Jean I'm this way too when I find things that inspire me. I'd encourage you to focus on yourself. Helping others can be great, it can also be a distinction from doing the tough self work needed. For me in the past anyway. In Al Anon they say "attraction over promotion" meaning if you heal and create healthy boundaries, people will be drawn to you and ask you for tips, then you can share.
I has a non loving mother, verbal abusive, physical etc. But I didnt let it effect me as a adult. I think some of yall just want a pity party. Quite your whining and sick that shit up! Ppl these days want someone to tell them they have some kind of sickness! Time to grow up
Porn is a huge instant gratification thing. It's basically one of the things we want the most (sex) for none of the effort. It makes sense that people use it as a coping mechanism. The self hatred is probably a mix of internalized stigma around for porn, and an inability to resist the urge. You shouldn't feel bad about it IMO, it's common. But it might be good to deliberately cut down on the porn. Just so you know that you have the ability to be in control.
So this video was extraordinarily enlightening. And I am a toxic parent. I am a single mom of three perfect blessings. I love them with my entire being. But because of my toxic relationships growing up and into my adult life, i have done alot of healing the past few months, but I need to do your reparenting thing. Where can I find the link. I feel gutted right now.
Sounds a lot like a twin flame dynamic that the new age community always talk about... I don’t think it’s necessarily healthy. I think most of it is this but under the label of a “twin flame”.
Wise Witch new age ? Wise witch may you please look deeper what the fuck are you talking about twin flames for? we are talking about reality and politics.
If someone calls you up saying that your the reason for them attempting suicide and blames you for leaving bc it was too much to handle then calls you toxic because you critique their appearance and talk to them in a very blunt way. Would the person being called the toxic actually be toxic or is that just a mind games?
So incredibly insightful. You’re so kind to share this with the world. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for the education you have gifted me to help me know myself, and my world better. I cannot wait for your book to arrive in the mailbox. Blessings to you, beautiful human.
Ive experienced mostly trauma coupling from my father dying when i was very young. its very difficult for me to bond. At least im more aware now though :)
dude, hippies are the best, old school. fully present and living life. such good examples on the globe right now, everyone is dead inside, participating in that kardashian world trend :(
How can I cope with the guilt of breaking away from someone I was trauma coupled with? I know it’s the right thing to do but I’ve hurt them and they are still hurting
Grate stuff . By the way olfaction highly contributes to to the synching cemical cycles so your moms relationship compared to your first marriage is a olfacto/visual response to emotional awareness of your partner in persons with over active amygdalas tendency to fast response to fight or flight cues is why we feel are partners feelings. Smells are cemical transmitters that hold a charge key that can give context to the source. Because theres a brain nuron for all know or experienced interaction this is how are awareness of feelings actually occurs understand this give you a leg up on the source of the actual stimulus in context allowing better emotional control.
Oh wow. This video has clarified a lot for me. I have recently come out of a 12 year relationship where I was "Trauma partnered". Looking back, she displayed all the same "push/pull" signs that mimicked my moms behaviour when I was a child. The dynamics of my relationship between my mom & I when I was a child, and the dynamics of this 12 year relationship were identical. I kind of already knew this, but not to this extent with this much clarity. I'll use this realisation to further aid me in my healing journey. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙏🏻
@@tatummoyo8448 hi, my mom fell under the "unpredictable" catagory of this video (number 2) she was very emotionally unpredictable and volatile when I was growing up. She was never physical, but her outbursts where scary and we could never predict what would set her off. This created a "walking on eggshells" dynamic for me especially. Constantly trying to avoid "triggering" her or if she did get mad, trying to pacify her. She's matured a lot since I was a child, and she doesn't act that way anymore. I guess she's healed herself, we've never really spoke about it but we are close now. I entered into a relationship where the dynamics where the same (Emotionally unpredictable, volatile,Eggshells, Pacifying etc) basically recreating the emotional relationship I had with my mom. I'm out of that relationship now, and I too have healed myself. So all's well that ends well but I'd advise you to be acutely aware of your son's emotions and how you effect him. Try to have predictable emotional responses (RESPONSES NOT REACTIONS, That is VERY important.) So your son will know where the boundaries are drawn. It's ok to be angry, disappointed etc but be consistent and measured as best you can. ✌🏻
@@chris.version3.1.68 wow thank you for responding so quickly.i understand what you are saying.i grew up with a stepmom where nothing was ever good enough for her,my dad was emotionally distant I married and constantly felt anxiety and walking on eggshells kind of vibe. I'm mindful of my behaviour with my son but I have my down days where everything irritates me.i sometimes feel rage coming up and try and control it other times I overreact. I never want to create an environment where I rage and then apologise after because that's what the cycle of abuse looks like. Thank you and be blessed
@@tatummoyo8448 no problem, we are here to help each other heal. 🙏🏻 Just continue on your healing journey and do your best. You're in the right corner of the internet. 🙂 Any more questions let me know. ✌🏻
@@chris.version3.1.68 I will definitely and thank you.one more question about the lady you were with.do you hold yourself responsible in that relationship or do you feel she was the bad one.when I had my realization of my relationship with my ex,I blamed him and badmouthed him and I'm only realizing now how I was not responsible for maybe not speaking up and expressing myself clearly when things felt overwhelming. We were never allowed to speak up and express ourselves so I carried that with me.i also somehow felt gas lighted when I felt brave to speak up and then I questioned if it was all in my head.
Hi Nicole. Thank you for this video. I was wondering what the difference is between emotional addiction and being empathetic with your partner? Or if you live together/spend a lot of time together it is hard to not take up/consume the energy of the other person in the room or flat, because ultimately we are all vibrating energy fields. It kinda rubs off on you doesn't it
Persona I’m with you on this. I live with my partner and if he is having a bad day or if he is dismissive in any way it rubs off on me and affects my mood
We mist practice mastering being thermostats not thermometers. This happens by grounding yourself in your truth. Create a sacred space for your partner to be authentic without absorbing theirs energy. Thai takes practice. Also realizing as an empath we have the responsibility of energetic hygiene. Sage , palo santo , crystals , singing bowls, meditation and also dissolve energetic cords if needed and they can be re-established once they are in a better energetic space. This requires self love and a divorce of our codependent ways. Feeling like we have to be the fixer because we’re empaths isn’t healthy. I call on my spiritual guides in these moments as well! This is my experience only . I’m not an expert ! Hope this give some resonates!
I have a friend whose situation sounds similar to this - he and his girlfriend had both experienced trauma. From what I understand, they bonded over it. He claims to have helped her heal, but upon attempting to get something similar from her afterwards, it wasn't returned. She ignored his cries for help at times when he would really have needed support. She is now breaking up with him and he feels devastated, although he is trying to move on. I only met him about a week ago, and ended up listening to him when he needed to be listened to, which is why I know such things despite the fact that our friendship is fairly new - additionally, we are too far apart geographically for us to meet. Would you advise for or against telling him about trauma coupling?
I have started my healing journey but my partner hasn't yet. I am working on acceptance. trying to accept that this is his journey but I wonder if that's the best decision i can make
Congrats on starting your journey! The self awareness needed to recognize where we are and actively start healing is most times the hardest esp. for if we have dominant egos. In relation to your partner the best you can do for him is to keep working on you. As you're consistent with that, your growth with show you the way forward in terms of the longevity of the relationship. Just be reminded that it's not your job to heal or change him. If he will he has to do so on his own. 🤗
I have trauma bonding with a person for years. It's true the push and pull are stressing and I can't seem to move on, so does he. We keep coming back, maybe bcs we feel familiar with each other and trusting new people aren't easy for us. We do our best to heal our issues individually and keep supporting each other to be healthier (physically n emotionally) right now. We're both survivors and came from abusive parents.. I'm glad you said that trauma couple can heal and have a beautiful bonding. thank you.
help! i think my parents have been trauma coupled for 29 years. i'll just call it "dysfunctionally self-aware". what really sucks is now i can't meet girls and have no intention of having children. come to think about it, screw them, help me actually!
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death. Also, most people are pretty much comfortable enough to be naked around someone and have sex with someone that they have no romantic feelings towards. So sex isn't really a thing about romance. I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner is. Also, you would more likely be much closer to a person who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a partner or spouse. People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.
Thank you very much for this video! I've been in two trauma couplings over the last two years and I have to say that realising that those are life lessons helped me very much to slowly get over it. And the gut feeling is something that helped me to get through it as well. Even though I didn't listened to it in the beginning. It's not easy when you are somehow "addicted" to the person. You do not only feel emotional but sometimes also physical pain. It's hard. But eventually manageable.
Great video. All 3 for me! It’s led me to pretty much withdraw from everyone and no relationship for several years, doesn’t feel safe. Something I heard recently is beware when you meet someone new, a potential partner, who might feel “comfortable” right away. It could be down to an unwelcome familiarity i.e. displays same old behaviour we’re used to. Take time to assess them and you properly. I have a lot of work to do!
AllaCinderella - I'd say that's definitely possible. If one person is more perceptive/self-aware, they may perceive something is "off" in the relationship while the other thinks everything is just fine. I had this once where it wasn't even a relationship yet - just frequent correspondence - and it turned out to be covert narcissistic abuse that I hadn't yet learned to recognise. He thought everything was just fine.
Yes. I just need to remember that I am the victim, and my partner is the one inflicting the pain. Very easy to remember that. It seems to be the case for all these videos because it is the only message that sells.
My best friend is dating a man who has a wife and young children. They are both living a double life to maintain the relationship. It is a trauma bond thru and thru as they both lost their mothers at a young age. Talk about a roller coaster ride.... i think she thrives off the highs and lows and the "passion". It sucks to see her going thru this and cheating herself out of real love.
I experienced that. I tried to be understanding and kind to her. I didn't realize that my own husband would be her next 'trauma bond buddy' ... After our divorce, she went on to another married guy. I'm single now. I've made it a point to exit any friendships with women who think it's okay to mess around with someone else's husband. Actually, the same thing goes for any men thinking it's okay to mess around with a married woman. I'm not going to be their friend either. Obviously, I have fewer people in my life these days.
I love what you do and have learned so much. I am starting to explore the idea that not all the damage comes from parents perhaps those emotions are in us and we "blame" the parents because it is safe to "blame" them.
This is accurately said for me, I’m just sorry this took so damn long for me to understand!!! No one! Not Anyone helped me during my abuse. It pisses me off how f’d up my mom was - I was hit one moment next moment “ I’m a piece of shit”, it literally has messsed me up in allllllll my relationships. 😢
Trying to bond with someone in trauma is bizarre because they don’t ever see you, they only see the trauma they are projecting on you. The more you try to love that person from outside of trauma, the more their trauma grows. I realized eventually there was nothing there for me but that person using me to confirm his trauma. Real love and authentic connection had no chance. That’s when it all ended because he couldn’t or wouldn’t face his trauma to heal. I literally had no idea this was going on and it took me four years to figure it out. The person in trauma wants to love and they do love but it is buried under the trauma which controls them and blocks all healthy connection. It’s like trying to get water from a well that has a concrete cap. The water is there, but you can’t get it out. With love this gets very confusing but love is recognized, as all things are, by its fruit. If there is no fruit after one season, there never will be unless that person commits to getting help from a healer. Now I’m free to find real love. Hard lesson.
Exactly, 100% my ex that I am trying to get over right now. I loved him so much but his traumas caused him to project so much. He practically expected me to cheat on him and scheme behind his back when I didn’t do anything to make him feel that way, he was going to feel that way no matter what I did. These ongoing arguments ultimately led to our downfall and it hurts so bad 😔
this put my last relationship that i left bc i didn't want to do the toxic cycle anymore and he kept wanting to stay in it for some reason.. it put it into a new perspective. i appreciate that.
On point perspective!...my husband and I have gone through this. Initially in a trauma bond (not fun!). Once we worked out our own traumas thru individual therapy, the relationship we have now is unbelievable!!!! A much more mature relationship and I love the fact that we are not responsible for each other's happiness. Once you heal you can never go back to the old ways of relating with people/relationships. My only regret is I wish I had done this sooner!!! Warmest regards.
@@kimberlynorato135 ...sorry for the late reply, was on a much needed vacation!!!!....my trauma was not being good enough (people pleaser), wanting to "fix" my husband; only seeing him as I wished he could be and not for who he really was. I was controlling and had no boundaries. I was tired of controlling and was actually relieved when I learned that we can't control anyone. The biggest relief was learning that I'm not responsible for how others feel and that I could survive being/living alone. Once I accepted myself and that I was and always had been enough, I can accept others as that are; even if who they are is dysfunctional. I just let those people go in love and light without trying to fix them. I don't have to let them in my life. It is so freeing and a joy to just see people be themselves!. Wish you the best!!!!!
@@comfortablyawkward5555 .....you will. It's a lot of work but soooo worth it. It feels like I was reborn, and the trauma a very distant memory. I never knew life could be this much fun...don't give up I promise if you put the work in you won't regret it!...best of luck!!!!
