I'm obviously pretty weird, but despite that I'm actually really good at pretending I'm 'normal'. I've just been trying so hard to fit in throughout the years that I've managed to fool people. People accept that I'm quirky. I bet I would have turned out quite differently if I had my diagnose sooner (I was 22), I probably would have accepted myself sooner and tried less hard to be 'normal'. It's both a blessing and a curse. I like that I don't stand out too much, but it's also extremely tiresome compensating all the time. In fact, I'm still not completely 'out' yet. I don't usually tell people I'm an aspie, because I feel my environment isn't ready for that yet... If that makes sense. But it's difficult, because I can't always keep up and I have trouble functioning in certain situations that are deemed 'easy' for others. It's a constant struggle.
Ready or not (the environment), I’m no longer prepared to deny myself to fit in with the norm, what’s the point in that? Besides, I’m too exhausted and worn out by all the years of ‘passing’ that passing is no longer a viable option.
Neikka T. Harlingten that is a fair point... Unfortunately it is equally tiresome to go your own way as society can be really unforgiving and close minded towards people that are different. But maybe it's time we stop pressuring ourselves to fit in.
Nenalyzed it’s definitely tiresome to go your own way and it can be very isolating too, as I’m finding out, but for me, I have to keep on going because after 50 years of masking, I can’t go back but some people seem to manage to get a good balance, I think I tried to hard to fit in, I did a great job and then wondered where I was. We’re all different. I’m grateful people are making these videos so we feel less alone and they spread awareness
Wow, @ 7:00 you articulated exactly what I do in conversations. I’m a 20 year old female in college with 0 friends and I think it has to do with how I turn everything into some deep, philosophical analysis. Most people have “normal” conversations which I’m able to follow along with, but somewhere along the line I always seem to put an intense twist on things. Then I become discouraged when people react and pull back a little bit I can see it in there face. I always walk away feeling like I took it too far. Thanks so much for sharing!!!
Ha! I would likely enjoy talking with you very much ☺☺☺ This very thing happened to me just today. Yet again. Sigh. I want MY tribe near me, lol! I love my tribe! Your description is spot on accurate 💖
This is me also. I am always getting told I'm too deep. Funny really because people think I'm an airhead because of my appearance yet when I get talking they are put off from how deep I go. Can't win!
I was diagnosed at the age of fifty one several months ago. I lost five decades of potential, not to autism, but because I did not know I was and the worlds reaction to me. That is not an abdication of my responsibility, just an acknowledgment of what the real problem is...and it is not entirely autism. Too say the least. It never was. I have watched so many autism videos. Hundreds. You don't know obsession until you see a freshly diagnosed autistic apply their super power to the subject of their own condition. But of all the videos I've watched I found this one of the most rewarding. This young lady makes me proud to be autistic. I couldn't relate more to the thoughts and feelings she expresses. Well done. Carry on.
Paul, it's such a relief to see you looking around and at other things, while Carla is talking. It is as if it is totally ok not to have to look at a person to prove to them they have your attention. Carla seems comfortable with this too, but I could be mistaken about that, lol. Just the other day, my husband grabbed my face in anger and raised his voice, saying, "look at me when I'm talking to you!!" I am 53 and undiagnosed (yet), but I recognize a lot in video's and articles like this. I even have baby photo's with "proof" that I'm on the spectrum:) I'm just not sure whether I want to go through with getting a diagnosis. In my country it is called a "disorder" or a "disability" way too often. Thanks for creating these video's, really appreciate it.
Love it! 😃 To show different personalities of Autism is great & it breaks the stereotype that everyone with Autism is either Rain Man or an Sheldon from TBBT...& those are both men, so it's always good to show all type of people. 🌈🌞✌🙏
I love this format! It was really interesting to watch a conversation like this! I'm always eager to hear about other aspies, especially women as there are so many misconceptions regarding female aspies.
Carla equals me. Lol. Zero filter. Social but not an extrovert. Over the top. Neurotypical folks can only handle me in small doses. Etc. Cheers, Carla. You’re really good at interviews too, Paul-good at questioning, when to question and what question to break at what moment. Great job. Thanks a bunch!
Hello everyone-this is Carla! The woman in this interview. For some reason I remembered I had been in this interview and decided I’d look it up and have a watch again to see if I’d changed much haha….I noticed that a few of the comments people raised concern about whether I am doing okay…I am okay :) like I referenced in the video, I changed my mind abkut having a blog and a RU-vid channel. At the time it just wasn’t something I was fully invested in, so I gave it up. I’m totally fine though! Hey everyone!
So fun to notice that she's 'different' (which I say with a lot of sympathy! - I instantly liked her), without me being able to say exactly what is different. This makes me wonder about how I was always described as 'weird, quirky', without anyone being able to tell me what's so weird about me. I don't see my own 'weirdness', I only feel it in other people's reaction to me (when I'm not doing my mimicry at 100%). I think we all have very personal facial and verbal expressions. We're all special unicorns and, when you accept that, it's so much fun, at least for me, when I am around other aspies! Actually I stopped caring about what NT's think of us.
It felt really important to me to hear her talk about being authentic to herself rather than the "funny person" always going for the humor. I spent so much of my life entertaining people before I realized that it was for THEM not for me! This video is really valuable for people like me. And there are SO MANY PEOPLE like me and not like me but enough like me and I'm enough like them that this is so valuable! (if that all makes sense :) )
Heartbreak is hard as a aspie. My coping skills are terrible and I still love playing with things I did as a teenager. I only have a few hobbies and I got obsessed with fishing lures. I'm learning as I go. I feel alone in a crowd full of people.
Yeah, along with letting go of self-condemnation/judgment? While also maintaining reasonable interaction skills with NTs but also being ourselves & not feeling bad about it?
I just recently discovered that I'm on the spectrum. I often felt sympathy for people who were a bit odd. For example I usually liked the teachers most others made fun of. I never thought of myself being one of the odd ones🤦♂️ Now watching videos about autism I find the people talking there so friendly I feel a constant urge to hug them.
Great video, as a fellow aspie girl i understand where Carla is coming from, i 'pretended' to be someone else so well i created another persona, which i became when out, i did Djing but under the 'other' mindset i was quite an awful person, but it was a coping mechanism and i thought it would help but actually didn't help with my other mental health issues TBH, as i had recently lost my mum and shed loads of stuff going wrong in my life at that point. Then i met a fab fella who is also on the spectrum and now I am happy being myself, I am now who i wanted to be and should have been years ago, but 'normal' people didn't like that me or the other me lol. But now at 37 i have accepted who i am and glad i have at least one person close to me in my life who 'gets' me. Just a random thing (may be useful) for any other aspie girls or people who want a good insight to a female aspie I am reading a book that makes me realise i am not alone and the things this writer says happened as a child socially and in school etc is almost exactly what i went through. Its Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. Thanks for the video and keep going, they are a good insight for anyone.
in the social aspect Carl mentioned, the improvements over time and gradually understanding to be yourself, like, you can let yourself out more to the world, its not that bad (Thats how I felt) I can sooooo relate too! thank you so much, Carla you described me in this area!
Great video. I'd be interested to learn if either of you had problems on the job with coworkers. Some people tell me I look angry all the time but it's really just that I'm concentrating and trying to block out all the background noises or figure out what NTs REALLY mean. Also, how do you just "be yourself"? It's rare for me to let my guard down, except around close friends, because people think my choice of topics is too intense...not enough chit chat. It's exhausting. Looking forward to more of these interviews. :o)
I can relate! People have always told me I look angry, but in reality I'm just stoic and trying to make it through the day. Most people seem to steer clear of me, probably because I seem intense and I talk about weird niche type stuff.
Wow yes....im told your angry u need to caln down etc. Fuck they woulnt wanna see me wen I am actualy angry 3 plannets in scorpio intence. Going to town is big day out.. I prepare the day before and it takes all next day to recover.
Omfg I want you to be my best friend!!!! Everything you describe about yourself is me 😂😂😂 like people assume because I understand sarcasm or have a sense of humor that I'm not on the spectrum and it's frustrating. I also turn conversations into something serious, small talk makes me feel so awkward. I dominate the conversation in topics I know and get WAY too intense. I feel like laughing is the easiest form of body language to understand to I totally understand why you communicated through jokes.
Wow, I can relate so much with that. Do you also sometimes randomly stumble upon somebody who you can instantly connect with, instead of having that awkward interactions for months where you feel you can't relax? Afterwards, I then think 'huh, that one must've been non-neurotypical, as well'.
I noticed that Carla did just occasional shooting looks; but mostly looking a head when talking and this is so me. I find it easier to gather my thoughts if am not looking at a person. I have a couple of people I can be completely myself with. No judgements; and my anxiety is 0 with these two people. But as soon as I feel uncomfortable around someone, up goes that mask and it is exhausting. I am so glad to have a formal diagnosis now, because it is said that I look "normal"; that one cannot believe i have aspergers, but since I am diagnosed, it shows how good I am at masking.
Lol whenever I tell people I'm on the spectrum I get the opposite reaction. They say "Yeah, I kind of knew that about you." Or "Yep, I'm so glad you've realized that." Or mostly I get a kind of sudden uncomfortable distancing from them, with a half smile & a look of trying to be kind (or get away lol). Like they finally now realize why I act so quirky/weird/intense, perseverating & easily overwhelmed. I just wanna say "WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING TO HELP OUT & CLUE ME IN LONG AGO??!" Instead of letting me flap around floundering, struggling & confused in the failed wreck of my confusing life so horribly for so very long :( As I've said elsewhere here before, CBD helps me so much, when I can afford it. Palmetto Harmony brand. It's not cheap, but it's absolute gold for my brain & mindheart in every way. Though it's not easy to then be without it again, as that can cause extreme irritability etc. At least by using it, I now finally know what normal thinking feels & looks like! with excellent "executive functioning". I'm glad to live where it's fully legal & easily available. I get easily overwhelmed by my own perseverating, endlessly deep digging, overly analytical speaking/reasoning/experiencing... like I think she did here at the end in trying to stay on one train of her thoughts in order to speak them cohesively, yet almost pulled in so many related directions, she almost lost her main thought while wanting & needing to speak all of her related thoughts, and describe their relatedness. The mannerisms, trying to pull back out of that in the moment, the wrinkled brow, working to let go of all the interrelated thoughts, looking as if she's trying to stay focused & aware of time to wrap it up & not be lost/over detailed/annoying or go any deeper into her deepness, by using the practiced technique of suddenly becoming offhanded... pausing/blanking out for a moment off & on while shrinking back a bit... IS EXACTLY LIKE ME all of my half-century life as well! Sigh. Lol Yeah how she describes her conversation style is same as mine. Going deep very fast, going into meaningful, philosophical, existential/spiritual, witty etc. I love her, enjoy her talk! I very much relate to all she said. How I wish I could start a sociocracy-based community for us all & let it spread around the world as an idea/model for us everywhere :) Looking forward to see her link & YT channel! Love you lots, Paul. And massive thanks :)
All you say here applies exactly to me too. It is such a blessed relief to find others of my species at long last! My partner is very literal & practical, & hates my constant tendency to divert into oxbow lakes & tangential loops when I am eager to fill out some description or analysis, and to verbally & mentally sort out my ideas through the act of articulating them (dialectically) & speaking in an abstract manner, as I am doing here. But 'an unexamined life is not worth living'! I absolutely NEED to link up connections & create & oversee the ever-broadening picture of my life's knowledge & experience ... (I'm off again now!) Thanks for your post. I too love Paul and Carla. Both are so natural, open, genuine & likeable. Best wishes to ye all. :)
I like Carla's hat! Thanks SO MUCH for doing this interviews, Paul! I'm trying to see more of what autism really looks like...vs stereotypes I've seen and the two other autistic people I've met. And I think there's just no better way to do it than to see real autistic people live just talking about their experiences. So thanks so much! (It's interesting that there's so much information available on RU-vid/in blogs. I'm curious if these things will actually influence future versions of the DSM's description of autism.)
Thank you for this video. Even seeing that both of the links you included for Carla are now broken is exactly in keeping with how often I start accounts/profiles/content channels, then nuke the accounts. At this point, I'm pretty dang sure I'm on the spectrum, and I'll see about getting a diagnosis (lots of it in my family, too, but I'll be 42 next month, and that's a long time to just be "weird" and "wrong" and "dangerous" to those who proport to love you). So, thank you for this channel, Paul, and for keeping it going. Thank you, too, to Carla, for basically showing me a mirror when it comes to how I react to certain situations, and also some good ways to cope. Figuring this out will be a fun journey, but already, seeing this video, I feel DRASTICALLY less alone! Thank you for sharing, truly.
Carla seems like a sweet person! This video surely proves we’re on a spectrum because like many, I have no interest in socializing…..especially with “chatty” people. Thank you for sharing this!!!
holy schmidttttttttt the part where she said that people at school liked her for her jokes then got sick of it hits home so hard ahhaaha. that was literally me. learning pretty quick that cracking jokes and making others laugh was how you got others to like you. not really knowing how else to communicate. it's taken me a long time to understand that other people do a sort of dance when they meet each other too - you go through all the pleasantries and whatever and demonstrate that you're friendly but don't realyl let out much personality until you get to know them better. that/s the mistake i made!!! i would be way too myself too quick and make others uncomfortable or put them off or they'd laugh a lot but just end up calling me "so random/so weird"
Thank you so much Carla and Paul! It is nice to hear from a fellow Aspie whom also used Performance techniques to "mask"; but whom has "broken free" from that to become content with whom they are in themselves through self awareness and also taken control in much more positive and self-embracing ways. It is just the God sent "tonic" that I needed today as I am finalising my "Official Diagnosis" 1st Interview Paperwork and am struggling with "Performance Anxiety" and not knowing if I have sufficient, too little or too much Information ready for the Assessment (My memory is not very good and I am having to complete my history with very unreliable information given by family whose memories are also greatly lacking)... Maybe I should record something about this process of Official Diagnosis in the UK some day? Carla you are a lovely lady -thank you for speaking openly about your experiences. God speed to you both.
I always start out great in conversations and then the filter is gone and I can't small talk so I say inappropriate stuff and everyone leaves and avoid me.
I think what is inappropriate is to small talk... it is Greta's gripe too ... how can folk not talk big talk with so many profound environmental #ourlivingworld problkems
I think I would get on so well with both of you! And that is an incredibly rare thing for me to acknowledge. I was the excruciatingly awkward, rarely-had-a-friend school age person. I'm still fairly not popular although people seem to either really like me or not like me at all. I tried to be more popular in my 20's and 30's, as a performance artist (singing and dancing, mainly) but I got bad burn out in my 40's. But, I wish I had friends like you guys! Even though you are a bit younger than me.
I always make remarks that people find funny, but I mean them to be funny. I have a different way to look at things, so I have a wonky sense of humor. I gave up trying to be "normal" a long time ago. I decided that I was okay with being who I was. I had a therapist who told me that what she liked about me was that I was "so out there." Meaning, I suppose, that I am totally transparent.
It reminds me of my school days when I was bullied but there was a time when I gained their respect by becoming something else which was by dancing but I was not really being myself because it was not who I really was.
I sometimes compare "socializing with Aspergers" to allergies. If I have a peanut allergy, that doesn't mean I don't like peanuts. Peanuts could be my favorite food, but my body reacts to peanuts in a way that is undesirable. If I moderate my exposure to peanuts, everything is fine probably and in low doses, I can really, intensely and consciously, enjoy eating peanuts. But if I overdo it, I need to recover, and if I can't do that, if I'm exposed to peanuts beyond my limits, my physiological reactions may become worse pretty fast and the time I'll need to get back to normal will stack up. Similar with socializing. I love being around people, I enjoy it thoroughly, but that doesn't mean I'm always able to do it (or willing to face the fallout if I'm already close to my limits). It's hard to explain to people in an inoffensive way why you keep rejecting them to rather be alone, but shifting the "blame" to something beyond anyone's control (my physiological reactions to an overdose of stimulation) while emphasizing that the case is not "I don't want to meet up", but rather "I wan't to meet up but my ability to do so is constrained by something I have no control over" might help. But it's not the easiest analogy to apply. Telling someone "I'd like to meet up, but I can't because I'm allergic to you" might not have the desired effect.
The camera mic squeak sounds exactly like my headphones seized swivel joint thing. I ended up putting ball bearing grease in the joint and actually fixed it, only to be confused when it still was happening. Its not really annoying. Just the way it comes through my headphones, it actually kinda vibrated the cup in the way the friction from the joint did. Some 5d audio tricks.
There is something i noticed, aspies seems to do alot of active listening. "Normal people" dont really listen and switch subject all the time and do small talks. I always thought it was the opposite So now i know i should be friend with only aspies, but i think i akways did that inconsciously
Could this be aspie-thing? Years ago trying to go along with the mainstream I went out with this guy. Quite good looking and loaded and a lot of friends, basically a desirable fella. At that time I would know what I was supposed to feel and do, and the action part I did, but regards feelings - well, probably satisfaction that, there, finally, I'm like everybody else. So one day we are having this little party at his place and some new people show up, and that quite pretty girl with them. She begins flirting with 'my boyfriend' intensively and finally they leave together. Guess what, instead of jealousy and broken-heart, I feel genuine relief: finally I can leave the party and be alone, plus I have a legitimate reason to break up with the guy, that everyone would understand. Did anybody else have something like that here?
When I was 21 I dated someone but didnt really want to and didnt know how to break up with them. I was told he cheated on me and I was relieved and even forgave him and wanted to just be friends again because it was easier. I figured he cheated on me because I was being pretty aloof and a bad girlfriend by "normal" standards. Anyway, he denied it and lied that it never happened even though I was understanding. So when i found out later it was true i lectured him and said we couldn't be friends because he lied to me. People always act like my reasoning is weird but I think it's actually super reasonable.
Not exclusively female. Mimicry of NT's is a survival skill EVERYBODY on the spectrum needs in their toolbox, if they can. How much mimicry, when/where to use it, etc are a struggle for us all.
With me, yes. I've been seeing a therapist for five years for something else (that I actually do have), and only during my most recent visits did she realize that every single nano-mannerism of mine had been deeply studied in my youth and put to practice so often that apparently my body behavior in a medical setting now is mostly 'normal.' The trouble is that it's all according to script, and when things go off script (as they usually do outside of her office- one of the few places in the world I actually feel comfortable), I'm left flopping like a fish out of water. That she doesn't see my usual weird social behavior that begins almost right as I walk out of her office means that I'm only just now getting the AS diagnosis after five years of treatment.
It's said by some experts to be a larger part for females on the spectrum who exhibit the female type of ASD. I do know females who have the male type (complete with childhood obsession with trains & dinosaurs etc) and they don't have it so much. Extreme people-pleasing can be part of female ASD, especially with multiple diagnoses/issues concommitant to it.
i think you guys are lucky. i have ADHD autism epilepsy torrets learning disicultys dyslexia list goes on my whole life is so hard but your way of eating is so much less stressfull im just about to start eating the same thing everyday too see if its less stressfull for me because if it tastes nice then thats ok with me to eat everyday
