Autism & Friendships 

I sometimes forget about my friends because of the lack of connect between us. I completely forget they exist (they get lost due to my thoughts and other interests which they do not share) until someone mentions them or I see them - it is very exhausting because you want deep connections and many don't comprehend that.

Am I the only one that paused this video to see if the birds were in my environment or from this video? I love them so much it distracted me.

hahaha I *heavily* relate to liking old women avtivities! I wish more people embraced this kind of lifestyle. Like, I just want a friend to take walks or like, repot plants with XD

I just wanted to say that I got diagnosed!!! I'm so relieved and happy and your videos have brought so much comfort thank you

It's so funny! I just watched a video about "pick me" girls the other day. You only mentioned it briefly, but I do think it's a label that some people are so quick to put on another person. I genuinely don't seem to connect with other women, and I have been like that my whole life. Women and girls would often... cling to me, but I never really reciprocated that feeling of friendship. I found being around them was draining, as they seemed to expect so much from me like constant validation and contact. I have one female friend, and she has the exact same attitude as me. We can shoot the shit. That's what I enjoy. I have found that I do connect with dudes a lot better. People seem to assume that since you "get along with guys" better than other women, that it automatically means you want attention from men. I don't want attention, I want *CONNECTION*. It sucks, too, because I often can't tell when the other person wants more than a friendship, and I have no idea how to end the relationship without doing the "INFJ Door-slam" once it is blatantly obvious (I also do this when female friendships become too much for me to handle). I generally just stay away from people to avoid these things. I'd much rather be alone than burn my very limited energy on trying to manage any of that.

Athough I'm not autistic, I am ND and I feel that your perspective is definitely valid. May be controversial to say, but a lot of NTs have no self awareness or self reflection, so the projection piece is especially true. Lacking identity sabotages any relationship, but friendships are a unique dynamic where more is expected, and there's never a check-in after some years about whether or not the friendship still works mutually. Fact is, the less aware you are of yourself, you cannot meet the other person. Allistic or not. But it seems to me that compared to NTs, NDs are a little more prone to having solid identity, personal values, better boundaries, etc. But that's only my opinion and every rule has an exception of course. Oh and to your commentary on unwanted romantic attention: all I can say is YES. Yes, to all of it. Thanks so much for this video!

This is where I use to often get labeled as a detached friend, a fringe friend or fair weather. This happened alot because I got what you called friend burnout. Mostly I was dubbed the loner, because I just simply don't like loud environments. Takes me so long to repair...... I just simply refuse to do any longer. PERIOD.

omg the part about masking actually being an authentic expression of yourself is mindblowing

I just wanted to say thank you for all that you’ve done. I have never in my entire life consumed words from a stranger that have resonated this much with me. It’s very comforting and I’m grateful you exist for people like us.

this helped me so much to understand how my childhood social routines really really illuded to my autism. I went to a Montessori school until about 4th grade, and many students there were on the spectrum, I really fit in with the group physical games (playing vampires vs warewolves, tag, exploring the nearby pond, etc) but when i transferred to "normal" school I couldn't fit into the female cliques or I would end up at the bottom of their social group and would be the one always left out or picked on. Since then I gravitated towards hanging out with boys, but once puberty hit they only saw me as a potential partner. This has made it sooo hard to make male friends, but I had no idea that other autistic girls gravitated more towards boys!

I love the friendship that you describe at the end of this video so much. I dream of having that one day. I imagine it is like having a really close sister. 💜

I personally do have a problem with empathy. I was oblivious to it until I started therapy, but I am naturally disconnected to my emotions. Most of the time I have to dig to figure out what I’m feeling and then dig even more to figure out what’s causing the feeling. (Alexithymia, basically) which therefore impacts my ability to empathise because well.. if it takes that much work to understand my own emotions, it’s all the more difficult with other people. It’s made me act in quite narcissistic ways in the past, but unlike actual narcissism I have no intention at all to harm other people. In fact it’s quite the opposite. I became a total people pleaser because my own intuition would too commonly end up causing unintentional harm. I felt the need to express that for any other autistic people here who may feel like they’re the only ones who do in fact meet the stereotype. You’re not ❤

58:12 Balancing the loneliness and comfortability ... this reminded me of the Hedgehog's dilemma described by the philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer. I like his ideal solution although there is probably a great deal of variation across people in the extent to which it can be achieved: "Yet whoever has a great deal of internal warmth of his own will prefer to keep away from society in order to avoid giving or receiving trouble or annoyance."

I learned a great thing from listening to your videos ! I learned that it’s ok to change up your life and leave a job or relationship that doesn’t feel fulfilling or healthy! It seems like neurotypicals understand things like this automatically. I was the bullied kid in school so I thought because I was so low in the social hierarchy I had to stay with people I didn’t really like. I think my parents also have autism and adhd (and not the most popular in school) so they actually taught me some of these behaviors, because that’s how they saw themselves, and it was just a natural thing for them to behave this way. I often felt guilty for years after a friendship break up because my former friends blamed it on me. I think I just couldn’t live up to their projections and expectations so they left or I left. I feel that’s ok, life goes on and you figure stuff out bit by bit. I haven’t found a way to get enough accommodations to hold a job or find the right people to be close friends with yet, but maybe it will come to me. I don’t know where to look, but your channel have been a comforting space, thank you for all the energy you put into this channel!

It's so creepy, your life choices and stories are also mine. Without my diagnosis, you prove I am on the spectrum.

I feel so opposite sometimes! I just had a friend breakup with someone who I would guess has a similar attachment style as you Irene. I love deep conversations about personal matters, I love hearing other people's struggles and helping them through the process. I require friends who can hear my advice and thoughts without feeling pressure to do what I say, and I'm thankful that I've found many friends like this. We are all traumatized, neurodivergent in different ways, and trans from a variety of economic backgrounds. It is difficult for me to hold in my opinions with the people I care about and not try to help. Thank you for sharing your experiences of feeling exhausted by this. It has been hard for me to see an avoidant reaction as something that isn't personal. I was raised by a parent with no sense of boundaries, which now means I have a lot to learn to keep myself safe and to not project a lack of care onto others. Ugh. Thanks again and I will be taking this to my journal lol

This is crazy to me. I'm 33 and I've never heard a more accurate description of how I feel about friendships in my life. I've always struggled to maintain friendships and in the end wondered what tf is wrong with me? I've recently started thinking I might be high masking with autism and this really hits home...

I’m not autistic, but I am a highly sensitive person and I have c-ptsd and I could relate so much to what you said. It’s like you perfectly put into words my experiences

I feel so seen after watching this. It's so genuinely amazing to hear someone else describe what my social struggles have been so well. Thank you.

oh, R-worded. I get it now. That is why I married and stayed married 35 years. I froze and felt guilty. Happened twice within marriage as well. He'd get angry when I did not feel well and I think I had low blood sugar because I was semi-conscious both times. Finally divorced 2 years ago and am remarried to best friend of over 25 years.

My stepmother tried to use grounding as a punishment 🤣 I actually loved being grounded - even if I didn't like the being in trouble aspect of it. 😝

Watching your videos feel like talking to a friend, thanks ❤

Hi Irene, thank you for creating a video about this! I can relate to so much of it. The depletion of energy after phone calls or gatherings is unreal and always has been... it takes me days to fully recover and recharge. I have a terrible habit of canceling plans last minute and while it's no excuse, I have both generalized anxiety and social anxiety. Because of this, 9 times out of 10 I'll get a migraine before most social events. It's also not that I don't want to hang out , I just typically always spiral in a negative loop as soon as the event is over. The following few days my brain will continuously replay everything that was said, facial expressions that were made that I had trouble reading, and so on. I won't list them all, but during the event, -I have to focus on trying to make sure that I don't accidentally make any rude facial expressions (I have a very expressive face which has gotten me in trouble quite a bit in the past. Most of the time I'm not even unaware of the face I made that upset the other person.) -That my stims are subtle -I usually can't figure out what to do with my hands (because of this, I usually just clasp them together or bury them between my thighs if we're sitting) -I struggle giving my full attention because of surrounding noises and I'm doomed if there's more than one convo happening in the group (I'm hoping to get evaluated for Auditory Processing Disorder in addition to ASD/ADHD) -I typically internally panic that I'm giving just the right amount of eye contact (which took years of practice but is still extremely exhausting), or I usually have to figure out subtle ways to avert their eyes away if I feel they're giving me more eye contact than I'm comfortable with My grade school experience was very similar. I too jumped between friend groups and preferred hanging with boys. Being a kid is tough enough but it sucks when everyone else seems to understand social cues except you. Thank you again for this content and I love the snippet from the new Batman movie! We just watched it on HBO the other day and I loved that part😍

Omg when you said having things be neutral . I have learn that expectations trigger my ptsd. This has helped me manage allot better

this video makes me feel so seen and so much more understanding of myself. reaching burnout within friendships is something i have experienced a lot in my life and i always thought i was just a bad person so hearing that this is just something other people experience as an autistic person is very comforting

I just wanted to express my gratitude for your videos and your channel. I have had the inkling I was on the spectrum for almost a year now. I was officially diagnosed a few weeks ago!!! It has been very eye opening to see myself and my habits/ticks/little things that used to frustrate me so much (because why can’t i be like anyone else??? Those thought processes are long gone post diagnosis!) and here you are talking about every single one of them so casually! Your videos have helped me piece together the puzzle of who I am and why I feel the way that I feel. I know “just blame it on the autism” isn’t exactly the vibe I was going for here, but it seriously is comforting knowing that I’m not just crazy and that there are steps that can be put into place to make life more tolerable for me. Thank you so much! ♥️

I have also found that people can use friendships like a drug. I have often wondered if it related to INFJ energy. It can make you feel like an empty Capri Sun pouch.

I am only 10 minutes in but I already feel so seen by this again. I relate so much and I am so so grateful you share your wisdom about autism on here and you are so crazy self- aware.. something I aspire to be. Slowly getting there. I am learning as much as I can and it is so healing to hear about others experiences I can actually relate too. I genuinely thought I was alone with this. THANK YOU! Could you maybe talk in a future video about where you get your information about autism from? you seem to have so much knowledge about this already. what books you recommend or websites, videos.. I want to watch/ read them all.. :D

Almost 30 and just starting a new chapter of trying to make friends in a new way that is more choosy for good reason. Too many people do really treat you differently when you just say you have ASD… a lot act as if I’m faking it because of being “high functioning”. I finally opened up to someone who works with autistic kids with more support needs and I get the feeling they are trying to find ways I’m not to say that I’m not…. Which is really unfortunate and confusing and makes me feel like I don’t fit in with anyone.

I am in the process of letting my friends know about my diagnosis and see who adapt to my social limitations. Haven’t have a partner though for Many many years I now know the possible reason. Diagnosed last year at 65yo. I am saving my energy for society demands at the moment, not people.

The double Dutch analogy struck me hard. I use this all the time to describe group settings

Ugh, friends are difficult for me. They get mad when I don't want to go shop. I had one friend that ghosted me after a very close (or what I thought was close) relationship. Maybe it just ran it's course for her, I don't know. I have a couple of other friends, though, that are great and understand all of my illnesses and don't pressure me. I cherish those friends.

Oh the good ol' "ya dead to me" switch in my mind (pats the switch lovingly) this baby has helped me through some TOXIC relationship but FINALLY being able to cut them out of my life with the expert efficiency akin to the Vulcan grip! lmao It's literally one of my favorite quirks about myself (now that I know where it comes from lol)

Your videos are so comforting. I sometimes watch them when I can’t sleep. I relate so much to you. I recently had excision surgery after 15 years of trying to find a diagnosis, that’s where I found you while I was still searching for a surgeon. I’m here after that and doing much better in that aspect but struggling deeply with my ND and struggling with my relationships. Thank you for your dedication.

I am selfdiagnosed ND and just lost at very good friend as we got too close and they felt like you explained as they are ND too. It has really been hard for me but I feel this video makes me understand them a little better. I don't know if we will ever get back to being friends, we have a social gathering every Thursday that we both attend, Thursday last week this happened so I didn't attend as I didn't want to see them and it took allot on me. Thursday this week we both attended but it was super awkward, not talking to each other at all almost like ignoring that this person is in the same room as you. It was so weird not hugging as usual, not having our usual laughs together and all of that, but I respect their decision to wanting to end the friendship and needing space. I think I was too reliant on them, as they were my only go to friend, and I need to find someone new.

Thanks, you know I learned a lot from you. Distancing, boundaries, or disconnecting is okay or even necessary.

Very unrelated but I love that shirt on you. Really brings out your complexion and raven hair 💚

Thank you for your video Irene, it's much appreciated. I'm so glad you have a friend who doesn't drain your energy! I relate to most of the things in your video. It's so comforting to learn about your experiences.

So many parts of this vid that hat I resonate with and heard words said that hit the note in my brain describing experiences I didn’t have words for. But my FAVORITE thing was the double Dutch analogy. Every part from beginning to end. Especially how you said sometimes you can jump in and get it but not for long and that’s so me.

Omg the Coachella thing OMG I relate so much....lol....as an Asian woman, there was so much pressure to participate in those raves. I don't drink either, and much prefer some MJ, so I ended up going to smaller chillhop/lofi concerts that I enjoyed more. Thank you for validating.

Your videos are finally answering the unending WHYs I have had about my life and past/present experiences. I am currently undiagnosed, but I truly believe I am autistic. I just don’t know what to do next…thank you for sharing this video.

Thank you so much this video literally was so eye opening I really appreciate your self awareness and hope to be like that. You helped relieved some of the guilt In feel for past relationships that I feel guilty for parting ways, or they fell through specially when feeling burnout and overwhelmed at least for me my masking through different groups has helped me find myself but also exhausting having to switch to the script, Having similar interest helps but when someone else isn't connected that way it's hard to keep up when I feel the expectation and vision that they have for our friendship when that's not true to me or feels unauthentic.

In the middle of the video, but just noticed the bird songs. I love the background sound that I almost missed entirely. So peaceful! Back to the video now

I looove the birds in the background

You should have your own podcast.

Yes, this! All of this! Thank you for the video. You always find great ways to explain things.

Resonated so much with the morals thing and burning bridges and honestly the entire video, thank u so much for talking about this n making this video 💙

I love your genuine happy cute smile in the thumbnail

I just found your channel and I have to tell you I relate to everything you talk about in this video, you're very articulate and explain very well. Thank you!

>o> I finally had to cut ties with my father for ethical differences. I've also cut ties with other people as well. I have actually rebuilt bridges with most of the people I cut out of my life - after several years separate when they have reached back out to me usually to tell me thank you for helping them realize major things that have actually helped them in their lives. So that kind of wake up call can actually help the other person grow too.

I'm 58 and got diagnosed five years ago. It answered lots of questions. But when I told a close friend about the diagnosis, he had something weird to say: You're NOT Autistic, because every Autistic person has a "little genius." What is YOUR "little genius?" I could never get an adequate explanation from him what that meant, but I assume it means that I would be a genius at math, science, or some other very focused and specialized area. Or maybe he expected me to be Rain Man. The idea that Autistic people are Rain Man is disingenuous, dishonest, misguided, and dangerous.

This seemed a wide-encompassing video, BUT kept me attentive the whole time because almost everything was so relatable and insightful. I appreciated the neat analogies used too 🙂. You are so well spoken and self aware! Thank you.

holy shi--I cannot tell you how much I was nodding as you were explaining the friendships!

Thank you for this video (and all your videos). I really related to so many of the experiences you shared, and thinking back i know every 'bridge i burned' was easier for me than the other person and i often had a long process of objective reasons, a lot of which i actually journaled into lists in preparation for the "goodbye talk". I did this with past romantic relationships as well and often got told im cold and heartless for moving on so easy even though it wasnt easy and in my mind i was doing what was healthiest for me to do and it didnt mean i didnt care or feel immense sadness. Those relationships also ended for very very good (and objective) reasons. They were emotionally abusive and i wasnt a partner, i was a replacement parent. I got sick of my boundaries meaning nothing and psychs getting stumped on how to help me assert myself and my boundaries even after roleplay of the way a real convo would go (which is how i learned it was emotional abuse). I also always wonder why i attract so many heavily dependant people in my life. Im glad that i have been able to set harder boundaries before a friendship even starts and have far less issues with this dynamic now but its hard work to remember to do that and not come across badly etc. Especially since i first have to know the person is wanting to befriend me and thats already hard to predict.

This video really helped me put into words what I've been experiencing lately. Thank you so much for making this!

I relate so much about dreaming about former friendships. So weird and exhausting

That was a really helpful and interesting video about friendship. Historically I've sacrificed my comfort in order to avoicd loneliness. But this constant masking exhausted me and the people I was trying to be friends with.

Thank you for bringing to light the positives of masking! I love your explanation, and agree with it a lot. Masking is exhausting but is a tool that allows me to be myself in some ways. I also have the same experience and feelings around friendships with women vs. men. I've always been very athletic and enjoyed playing with guys because the rules of the games were easy and I was good at sports lol thank you for sharing :)

Being an Artist Educator...this isxexactly why it works for me so well. There have been some challenges, but those have been the exception.

I haven't finished the video yet but I wanted to add a sort of reflection on the friendship thing in regards to my personal life (will probably edit this comment later) Until highschool, I didn't have a consistent group of friends. It changed every year and I felt like I never really belonged anywhere. I remember my mum being worried because I wasn't hanging out with friends a lot around the time I got to highschool I've managed to keep these people as friends during my school life, but there is only one and a bit years left where we can consistently spend time together and I have to say: it's making me really anxious because l know we won't stay in contact and be friends forever but I really really don't want this point of friendship to end. I feel very deeply connected to some of those people but I don't know to communicate that and my fear of separating from them without seemingly like I'm trying to make it all about me, because they all have their own lives. Adding this to the fact that it's really hard for me to make friends in the first place adds an extra layer of fear for me Edit: This has made me reconsider a lot of my friendships and how I want both of us (me and the friend) to feel fulfilled? If that makes sense. It makes a particular friendship I've had that was initially confusing for me make a lot more sense. This person in some ways had a more personal approach that i had a very difficult time connecting to. I felt like there were things I could not discuss openly with this person and our conversations would often lead to dead ends or repeating the same thought or sentiment over and over in a way that was not fulfilling to me

Do you think that like relationships and friendships and all these, one could say, but there's a little bit of a honeymoon phase? That you're curious about everything, you're learning about a lot of things, you're exploring these facets of yourself, then there's this wake up moment where it feels awkward and it starts feeling more Awkward because it's hard to figure out what to actually do and because of that it's easy just to find something new that piques our curiosity and leave?

I understand the weather thing. I lived in California and Hawaii most my life. Now married and in England. I've been having the same dreams the last few weeks, of family alive who died years ago.

locking oneself in bathrooms was a HUGE thing for me. i did it all the time and still monitor myself on - usually because im aware someone will notice my disappearance/time im gone so i dont allow myself like i used to as a child the time and space i clearly needed. its so incredibly hard but freeing to hear someone else have experiences like i did/do. like it blows my mind im not alone when all i can think is im weird. i grew up as the weird kid and ive tried to change weird to unique to help me but so many memories....makes it hard. friendships are hard. friendships dont last. friendships were exhausting, time consuming, confusing.

This made me cry because I am so thankful for my friends especially my bff bc our stories are so similar to you and your bff. Thank you so much

I love to listen to your podcasts. I have just a few friends, they're mostly the friends of my girlfriend. But with the one friend I've - he lives in another city and we see us maybe two times a year - when we meet it feels like we saw us just yesterday - even though we both changed each time we see us. I know many people and go out sometimes with them, but they're no friends to me - I don't really mind them and we've no deeper connection, even though they can be fun sometimes. I never make friends at work though. At work I just focus on work, but that doesn't mean, that people dislike me there or I dislike them - I just never share anything personal there, but come along well with the others. I wouldn't like to have people from work knowing more details about my private life, I just share standard phrases about that, if someone asks me. My private life is not their business. Interesting to hear, that you seem to have a different experience. Greetings.

Yes, the struggle between loneliness and comfortability has always been a difficult balance for me. I tend to lean into loneliness because sacrificing comfortability for companionship just leaves me so exhausted that I often can't perform the necessary tasks keep up with daily life. All of what you said in this video felt so relatable -I feel like a broken record putting that in my comments at this point because I've said it for almost every other video of yours that I've commented on as well. I also felt more comfortable hanging around boys in my youth. It was easier for me to interact with them because I found their expressions to be more direct. I never thought about the fact that physical activities were easier to acclimate to because the rules were clearer, but that makes a lot of sense. As an adult, I would still prefer to have male friends, but the whole unrequited sexual tension thing really gets in the way. It's not that I dislike women on principal or anything like that, but I just never seem to connect in a way that leads to friendship. Women were also the main source of bullying and trauma for me during my entire youth. Hearing women whispering around me but not being included in the conversation triggers a lot of emotional flashbacks, which is exhausting to deal with. I have yet to invite friends over to my own home because I prefer activities that I'm worried others would consider 'boring.' I really dislike what feels like an unspoken pressure to be 'entertaining' to others in order for them to want to be near me. I did not know what parallel play was until I heard the term from you. However, that has always been one of my ideal ways of spending time with someone. Reading a book on the couch while quietly sitting next to someone who is doing their own activity sounds so wonderful. Being comfortable with quiet and not always chatting is a big thing for me, but NT people tend to consider that awkward and being socially inept. I feel happy knowing that others enjoy spending time together in different ways that doesn't require constant dialogue.

Thanks. I relate to this alot esp being like a old person who likes doing quiet things and the burning bridges thing. I have found that I can only make friends in certain contexts i.e. esucation. Once I am outside of those circles. I have nothing to talk about as I am busy managing my disability in addition to ADHD & autism that i have no energy for friends. I read manga or webtoons to get that social need.

i hate having autism. i've realized looking back i felt like i failed friendships bc there was something i did wrong

I love these birds so much

Damn too much of this is too relatable.

I can relate to your church experience but in a spiritual group

That feeling you describe from having one shot is exactly how I felt when my drink got spiked 😔

I had this issue once. Was accused of being extremely selfish because i missed his wedding but he thought it was ok to ditch on me last minute when i had a painting job for him, me fully intending to pay him for it and not mess him around. Its one rule for him and another for the autistic among us. I think in the end he probably just tired of my company and wanted to move on with his life. Tbh i should not have been friends with him in the first place as i was using him to fill a friendship void in my own life. I knew him since college and we were both part of the uncool clique, living amd exisiting outside of the cool crowd within the college environmenr. Friends for friendship sake despite having very little in common in terms of subjects studied or hobbies. That being said college was finished 25 years ago amd that same college ceased to exist nearly 10 years ago so its fair to say everyone has or should have moved on with their lives by now. I think its hard to reverse the trend as you get deeper into adulthood as other issues tend to take up most of your time and energy, dealing wirh immediate family,, work,money, love life, other people and interests. Maybe as you reflect on your ealroer years as you age you wish things couldve been different, why did i allow the bullies to abuse me, why didnt i fight back, why didnt i stand up for myself ? Maybe if i did i might have been able to maintain long term meaningful friendships. Think its hard to start from scratch when you are say...40 plus.

Elementary school was also wandering alone. Now I see me like a little ghost but did not feel alone either. Was not good jumping either haha

Thank you a lot for sharing your thoughts❤️

Just wanted to thank you for this illuminating talk. I learned a lot.

Thanks! This is definitely relatable to almost anyone.

Its hard to be well supported when we need help though. Because we push/ scare others away a lot

i love the birds in these videos. ❤

With me I'm often pretty forgetful or burnt out to really have in depth conversations with most people

i used to change friendship groups all the time when having only female friends was normal, but I consistently had the same friends when there was no gender rules applied. since kindergarten i always felt more comfortable with boys because we wanted to play the same games, and I didn't understand "playing house" like most of the other girls did. when I got to primary school, and the societal expectation that little girls were friends with little girls and little boys were friends with little boys became more present to me, I spent so much time flitting between female friend groups, while usually having the best time connecting with the boys in my class during lessons. i was happy when at age 11, it was suddenly acceptable to "hang out" with boys. but we wouldn't be playing or talking about normal stuff, we would be sitting around and flirting. i had a much better time socialising at high school, I would go between my male friends and a female group that I would hang out with for learning how to be a girl. the first year of high school sucked so much because I only had female friends, I have no photos of that year, I deleted them all. but at 14, I finally met MY PEOPLE - metalheads - the majority of whom were males, and we just got up to the most stupid feral stuff, I never had to act a certain way around guys when my female "friends" weren't there to police my behaviour. I run into those guys from time to time and I still feel unjudged. but every female "friend" I had prior to age 17 that I ever ran into judged me harder in my happy adult form than they judged me in my very very very sad, suicidal & desperately trying to fit in teenage form. now that I think about it, the only great female friends I have had, are probably all neurodivergent, or very used to communicating in a nd friendly way.

I'm afraid that a more well rounded understanding of Autism will take years. I am using experience with another condition, Bipolar, to base this on. These two things are so different that it's glaring but it's what I was diagnosed with instead of Autism so I have an interest in it. The media shapes what most people will know about any condition and they are more about selling subscriptions and ads that they are about social sciences or fairness.

I tend to forget about them or get tired of having to deal with them, so won't get in touch with them for ages. These days, people badger me to get out and socialise, but all I want is to be left alone.

Are you sure you don't want to just marry your best friend, because that sounds amazing. ❤ I'm kidding, but it makes me really happy you have someone you feel that way about in your life

At this point, I honestly don’t believe anymore that friends in the truest sense of the word exist at all. However, I’m still open to hopefully being proven wrong someday.

6:40 I relate to that so strongly

I liked your video from April 2022. I’ve always wondered why I couldn’t make friends. I’m late diagnosed autistic.

Wow! I relate to you and the other commenters so much. I was better at being friends with boys too. I crave space in a friendship. I suck at staying in contact. I hate texting other than for simple communication. Sending paragraphs back and forth is exhausting to me. I agonize over the correct words (and emojis like you've said before). I wonder what it's like to be NT. Do relationships not feel like work at all to them?

Because, sometimes I just need to get away from being or feeling like a shut in.

how to you make friends in the first place? how do you grow the relationships and become close? i barely have any friends and i try very hard, no one really talks to me or invite me unless i do it first.

I have friends i actually don't call because they keep me on the phone so long, i just doint want to talk on the phone that long, because I simply get exhausted and need to rest from so much stimulation.

❤

I may not have a large circle of friends. The onces I have have always been misfits of society. Autistic, gender issues, artist types, developmentental issues, geeks/nerds etc. I find the social normies type people to be unfulfilling and boring.

OMG I love this channel

I discover more and more of your content and feel so "understood" in esp this video. Yes i care, i really about the few people i really call my friends but dometimes i realise: omc so long i have not written or phoned to xy!🙀 And yes i care in a cwrtain way even fir ex-friends but if i decided do...i can walk away from a person like nothing. It's so strange how a strong sense of caring got seen from the outside as being cold. 😢meow😻🐾

Hi hi! I'm recently diagnosed and I personally did do the neurotypical thing of keeping my friends around for the most part (it took effort but mostly I just got insanely lucky with the people around me, like the reason I was able to do this is because all my friends are some level of autistic or adhd or both) (I had the brand of autism growing up where I would be myself and if someone didn't like it I would genuinely just devalue them and not care, so I've mostly managed to weed out the bad ones). This year I had a falling out with a friend who also has suspected autism and it was really bad. Using some of the language in this video, I think from his perspective I was projecting too much on to him and expecting too much from him and he eventually blew up at me. From my perspective, he was extremely accusatory and was mad at me because he thought I knew things that I literally could not have known, I'm not a mind reader. I'm trans (ftm) and most of my close friends have been female or also trans, and this was the first time I had really gotten close to a cis male. I don't want to generalize too much, but judging from other specifics in this falling out and some more complex cis male drama I've had this year, I think men in general have a much harder time being able to separate the idea that they've done something that hurt someone and should apologize from the idea that they are a "bad" person who is completely in the wrong (aka, I have a general understanding that most hurt is caused by some level of miscommunication and not active harm, but this doesn't seem to be basic knowledge for most of the men I've dealt with) (NOT all men, I live with a cis guy who continues to raise my hope for humanity). Anyways! It's interesting to me/just my two cents! I've always been a highly empathetic person who is very reliant on having people I care deeply about it my life, and it stresses me out when I lose people. It's kind of sad to think that on some level, this friendship may have ended because he lost interest in me or that we may have only been friends in the first place because I was "interesting" to him. On the other hand, that's totally fine and not sad at all because I often start friendships for the same reasons (though usually I consider it "clicking," it's interesting to acknowledge that in order for me to continue to put energy into a friendship, we can't Just click and get along easily when we see each other, there has to be a part of me that wants to continue to learn more about them and hear their thoughts and perspectives on the world/learn more about the inside of their brain), and when people show interest in specific parts of me/my perspective I feel that as true friendship. I haven't finished the video yet, so I'm going to finish it before I comment because of this last part that I'm adding! You were talking about how you often walk away from friendships when their projections become too much, because you've logically realized that neither scenario works out (conforming to their expectations or making them be okay with your requirements). To me, an extremely important part of any true friendship is "being on the same page." Which is to say, if I am ever at a point where I feel as though there are projections or expectations being placed on me that I can't meet, I am very quick to have a conversation about this, and I tend to expect the same from my friends. I also do often feel guilty about not feeling able to put enough energy into a friendship, but never because I think the other person is feeling used by me or that it's not enough for them, it's just that I want to be able to spend a lot of quality time with the people I love and I don't always have the energy and I do get worried that they'll think I don't care about them as much, but I also logically know that they're my friends and they understand (which works in my case/isn't a hypothetical most of the time). So I wanted to know, when you walk away from friendships like that, were there ever points where you could have had a conversation instead? I'm not talking about friendships that just kind of drift apart, that's super normal! But I guess I'm talking about friendships that purposefully drift a part (there was an active choice at some point to drift the friendship) or suddenly walking away. I'll also hypothesize that it's likely that friendships may just naturally drift apart and it's just not your natural tendency to hold on to friends like I do. Oh I've finished the video now! Yeah, no Literally. The way I like to say it is "I make sure people know Exactly Why when I end something." I literally miss like, the feeling and shape and smell of people's soul (this one friend had a soul that felt like ozone which is one of my favorite things, and sometimes I miss that energy but I just can't imagine being friends with someone who devalues so many things that I value so strongly)

Ahh, I guess it's a diff experience manoeuvring friendships if you never learned how to mask. Luckily I grew up in a space where I never had to mask so all my friends get it and I'm very comfortable hanging out with them and don't really find the need to looks for more people to meet lol... Although this means I only have 3 good friends. I wonder if anyone else gets this??

I have a friend where we will sit around talking randomly while I do one activity and she does something else entirely. One time we were sitting in near silence for hours while she played a game and I was doing embroidery lmao. It's great Comparatively, my most recent ex was an energy vampire and a BIG clubgoer. Despite knowing I was an introvert, she would expect me to be ok with spontaneously going to the club with her on a Thursday night and drink and dance and...👀...at the end of all that. And this would be AFTER a full day of my job as a teacher! The burnout I experienced after I broke up with her has been part of what's made me realize that I might be autistic 💀

I kinda know what you mean. I do have a friend who gets too involved in topics where she tries to get her way like movies or restaurants to go to, asks me to provide advice that I do well with yet she finds it difficult to share food, she is argumentative in that she always has to be right. Too many games, yet I feel like there is no one else around to develop a friendship with. Maybe I am lazy or think other potential friends will think weird of me.

The birds in the background is so calming. I think I might have autism. Iam scared to ask for help bec my life is chaos and I know how some autistic people get treated. I have ptsd , anxiety, depression . I heavily mask these things I can take care of myself and others but I have been targeted by a certain organization for being a ex foster child . I have lost everything bec of my diagnosis. And iam Terrified if I get diagnosed with autism it will further make my life a living hell. More then it already is. I want to be treated normally not like a child that can't take care of themselves.