I very much relate to this, but I’ve always assumed it’s just the result of being late-diagnosed. I learned early which behaviors are acceptable and which ones aren’t, and since I *can* control myself (mostly), I *have* to. I may feel like screaming and crying and hitting things, I relate COMPLETELY to every other autistic person I see doing it, but I personally *can’t*. And since I’m not doing that, no one else understands or believes how much pain I’m actually in. And masking isn’t a choice for me most of the time, it just happens, but again, I think it’s because I was late-diagnosed and have been masking so long the mask has become part of me. Except when I randomly lose it due to being tired or on my period or whatever, and I know I’m suddenly acting weird but can’t do anything about it. So, yeah. Being late-diagnosed is a whole mess. 😉
I really appreciate your taking about your life’s troubles. I resonate almost every you post even though I am very different in many ways. Please keep posting and know your appreciated by me. Thanks
Thank you for such a lovely comment! No matter how different we, people can always find something in common, and I’m glad you’re able to resonate with my posts!
I relate to internalised meltdowns! I acctually tried to have external meltdowns and like you said it is horrible during the meltdown but I find it much more releasing afterwards and it is easier to move on from the emotion, but I wish I could find a safe way to externally meltdown...
I’m so glad to hear someone actually relates, though I wish it were over something nicer! I think so much of being autistic is finding accommodations to make things easier, I hope you’re able to find something to make external meltdowns safer for you 💕
I don't think it's masking. Or maybe it is. I don't know if you were able to express yourself as a child. If you were safe to express yourself. If not, it might be a trauma response, which can also be a form of masking. Whatever it is, I completely understand. I have been experiencing chronic derealisation for the past 15 years, because I wasn't able to express my emotions a lot of the time. I suppressed them and never learned how to cope otherwise.
Figuring out which parts are autism and which parts are trauma, or if it’s some weird mix of both, is so difficult! Thank you for commenting, I really appreciate your thoughts and experience on this! 💕
I'm definitely much more prone to freeze and fawn than I am to fight or flight. The moment anxiety pops up I launch into one of my fake personas to get through a situation. I've just considered it plain 'masking' but you may be correct that it's something else. From a lot of my reading this might be down to the common sex differences regarding social patterns - if the mimicry is easier for us, it may also feel more automatic (even though in a literal sense we're still manually working through the details of each moment). I may struggle to understand the nuances of a situation, but I can hold the practiced face/voice at least and that offers me a lot of good will from people, and they're more likely to forgive social errors.
I've thought about your video a lot today, and from what I've understood you said you are able to express your overwhelm and emotions if it is sobbing and crying but feel unable to externalise your emotions in ways that are less socially acceptable for women to express, like shouting/ screaming/throwing something/ slamming door/ being violent etc - is that close to what you were saying? My thoughts on this are that you may be being deeply affected by the way that women are socially conditioned to not allow themselves to do the things that they want to/be themselves fully because of what others will think of them / women are very often always expected to be performing to a certain degree in uk society. It has taken me a number of years to unlearn so many ways that i have internalised oppression/misogyny/transphobia/homophobia/ableism - and it is an ongoing life project for me to unpick these things, and understand more about how they interact with being autistic... because for me, growing up as an autistic kid without knowing I'm autistic, i felt constantly pulled between a deep sense of things being unfair and not feeling right, but also trying my very hardest to understand all the social rules and dynamics and to get them right. But with the effort i made to get those things right, i absorbed those rules, and later when i learnt more about feminism and started to find my voice, i still had those rules absorbed into my foundations - because misogyny is insidious and it takes a long time to unpick and start throwing that shit away. That's my understanding of what you were talking about with how i relate to those experiences anyway. I think that when the set of rules you've been given from the start of your life to follow are ones that tell you women should not burden others with their anger or rage or overwhelm (or opinions or questions or experiences), the only acceptable emotions for women to express is happiness or sadness (and even then we'll make fun of you. And if you show no feelings we will make fun of you. Whatever feeling you show, we'll make fun of you), if a woman expresses her anger then she's either hysterical or a b*tch - with all of these misogynistic rules that you can't win with, it makes sense to me that you feel like you internalise your feelings because that's what you've been taught to do... and with autism, we often take things to a different level than allistics... so idk, i hope that makes some sense? Interested to hear what others think :)
I’ve read your comment and I think I understand what you’re talking about. I’d argue about the misogyny thing, cause for me the problem seems to stem from a deeper place. I think the problem lies in the overall understanding of what “the norm” is. It affects not only women, but everyone. I’m from a Slavic country and grew up believing that only freaks would make music and arts their career, only liars can become successful politicians and only stupid people follow rules. For me there has always been a great difference between “what is considered normal to do” and “what normal people do”. If you act according to the first one, you’re considered either stupid or heroic, or both. From what I see, any idea can become problematic when a person or a group of people decide it to be “the only norm” for everyone to follow. It can become worse if those ideas get promoted and become more popular. The only way to fight it back is to hold your own norm and promote it as well.
I had never seen someone describing what I have never been able to explain for myself this accurately! Thank you, I think you are helping a lot of people to feel less alone / find the right words to explain their experience...
Thank you! It’s honestly just a lot of rambling and editing out the bits that don’t have sense, so I’m glad it’s actually come across in a way you can relate to!!
It seems that my negative emotions like sadness and anger curl up into a dense black ball inside me. I haven,t cried since I was14 after a fist fight. It goes to the black ball and I feel numb. I remember how it felt to cry and the release it gave. Like that it never happens. Like the body fotgot how to proces emotions.
I am not medically diagnosed. I started down this rabbit hole for something completely different and discovered that I probably am autistic. At this point in my life, I see no need for a medical opinion. Anyway, I ran across the terms "sub-clinical autism" and "broader autism phenotype". I guess it means showing many signs and indications, none of which impose a significant impairment and support needs are very low... low enough that the individual may not even feel a need for support. That said though, perhaps it is really just very good -- deeply imbedded masking... on a level that one can't even tell it is being done -- with just enough autism peeking around the corner to disrupt things. I don't know. Just me thinking.
I think when it comes to autistic people with lower support needs, it often depends on the environment we’re in. I know several older people who have spoken to me about thinking they’re autistic but not feeling the need for diagnosis, and it seems to largely be that they have supportive families that respect boundaries and accommodate to them already just as a person, and got into a career path they enjoyed fairly early on in life. They’ve certainly still had struggles and difficulties, but it seems to me they’ve created a living situation where their traits are there, and just don’t hinder them doing both things they need to and things they enjoy. Not saying any of your thoughts are wrong, just adding some thoughts of my own ☺️
Hi, I'm only a couple of mins into your vid so may have more to say bc I've been thinking about this topic a lot as well! have you looked at Autistic Girls Network white pages called Keeping It All Inside? It is the first time I really read anything about the presentation of internalised autism... I've only read 26 pages of it so far because it honestly is a bit emotionally triggering for me and I'm taking my time to get through it. Anyway, back tu watching the rest of the vid! :)
i really really relate to wanting to scream or cry or do something, but just not being able to. i internalize so much to the point that it feels awkward to even consider crying because it's not what i'm supposed to do, so i wind up kind of just sitting and screaming in my head. i really appreciate these videos, they help a lot with understanding myself and how i act.
I also internalise everything and the build up is awful. I was at a fair recently and discovered the big soft balls that are on a cord to go around your wrist. It's a kids toy that you can punch repeatedly and it was such a release to physically stim in that way. I'm frightened to use it in the house as I get hyperfocused and would end up smashing something! Masking is so ingrained in me that I would think of myself as a chameleon. I now at age 39 have no idea who I am as I always focused on everyone else as a people pleaser. Got to go as my brain is not functioning well but hope your ok and get the answer your seeking x
