Autistic Meltdowns in a Female Adult | AUTISM IN GIRLS 

My parents didn't think I was autistic as a kid. During meltdowns in my teens I'd be yelled at and grabbed from the floor, dragged to my room. The touching and screaming made it so so much worse. I'd be mocked by my father, he'd imitate my crying. It's very upsetting to recall.

I really appreciate someone talking about meltdown that have a more emotional root rather than sensory. Very validating, I'm the same way.

Before i was diagnosed with autism my meltdowns made me misdiagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder but my meltdowns are mainly caused from me being confused

wow, I spent 21 YEARS thinking I was emotionnal trash that can't deal with stuff just because I'm a violent cry baby.... THEY WERE LITTERAL MELTDOWNS?! AND PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DEGRADING ME FOR IT?!?! thank you so much for this video... I definitely need a diagnosis I remember having one once in secondary school because I had missed the bus and everyone was like "da hell is your problem?"

I'm 56 and have studied psychology, but have never heard of selective mutism in the context of a melt down before now. This explains to me why I can not say what is wrong when I am crying. I knew it was out of my control, I just didn't understand why until now. Thank you.

The squirming in your skin thing is *spot-on,* Olivia. It's an extreme, flooding physical sensation. I also have ADHD, so I toggle between two extremes constantly. Both needing and loathing routine. Loving chatting and being social, and then feeling overwhelmed. Being very tuned-in and empathetic, then feeling exhausted at trying to support everyone and keep all the plates spinning. Everything, but _everything_ feels like a constant tug-of-war between the two extremes of me. I was Dx with ADHD 3 years ago at aged 50. Now, I'm in the process of getting an Autism Dx. Suddenly everything makes sense. It's really hard not to be overwhelmed by regret and to feel cheated at all the years _without_ medication/treatment/support - just judgement. Christomighty... 🙃

I'm an adult woman on the spectrum and I've never had meltdowns, only shutdowns. But in my shutdowns I feel exactly as you describe

My mother has meltdowns a few times a day however, she's never been diagnosed with anything. She's high functioning. In fact, she's a doctor. Her meltdowns would make me incredibly anxious and unfortunately made me into a people pleaser. After having learned a bit about autism recently, I now realize that my anxiousness was me recognizing the beginnings of her meltdowns. Learning about high-functioning autism has relieved me of a ton of associated stress that came from my mother. I will no longer internalize HER meltdowns, I will guide her to her room to self soothe, I won't shame her or make her feel guilty, and I will notion that I accept her for the way the she is.

What I like about Covid is that it makes being a hermit socially acceptable😄

Can really relate to the aftermaths of meltdowns. I live with my boyfriend and when he first saw my meltdowns I was terrified he'd leave me and tell everyone was a freak but he was amazing about it. The fear was all in my head. He's amazing when I'm experiencing them, although it took him a while to understand 'don't touch me' means 'do not touch me!!!', neurotypicals love to try and smother us in affection, although it's well intended it makes things so much worse! I have found though as my meltdown wears off I really enjoy being with him sometimes he'll bring all of my teddies and soft blankets and lie on me to help it pass (he'll ask first though because if I need to be alone, I really need to be alone). I've even found that teddies, soft blankets and him lying on me and me touching his hair (he has amazing curls that my autistic brain adores haha) can prevent a meltdown and help me self-regulate. To fall asleep I spoon him and play with his curls.. it's become an inside joke between me and a few close friends who are aware of my diagnosis because they find it hilarious. Magic floof curls! Does anyone find that not knowing what to wear when leaving the house can cause an instant meltdown? A couple miliseconds after the daunting realisation that you don't know what to wear can cause you to enter meltdown mode? I can fully go into child meltdown, kicking and screaming because the clothes don't look right or are itchy. But once it's sorted I either feel okay and carry on, or the meltdown exhausted me so I end up cancelling/ bailing on the event I was getting ready for and need a nap or time with my interests?

I remember having all my meltdowns privatly, locking myself in my room, in a bathroom, in a hidden corner so no one had to see them, and concealing the singns afterwards. I was diagnosed just this year, and this video striked too close to home, especially the aftermath.

Thank you for explaining exactly how I experience my meltdowns. The worst feeling is trying to explain to loved ones in the MOMENT of a meltdown and select mutism sets in, like I can't talk! The knot in the throat and people wanting to understand but I physically can't explain or even talk. I need to escape (go to my room and cry and be left alone).

When I have a meltdown I say terrible things to people that I normally would not say. Talk about embarrassing. I usually have to go on a spree apologizing to everyone that was around me during it. sucks. Its fun to deal with that shame of having to apologize, right after the meltdown.

I was just diagnosed with ASD recently at the age of 46. I've had this stuff going on my entire life... My meltdowns are more of a "shutdown" I think because of what you described... The aftermath is exceptionally humiliating and embarrassing. So I've learned to just "turn myself off" but that's not always socially acceptable... Like say at work... But, I just wanted to mention... NOT KNOWING is by far the worst situation you can be in. I spent 4 decades living in shame and humiliation. I had no idea what was wrong with me and my doctors only made things worse. They treated me like I was either making it up, looking for drugs or mentally ill. I went to Mayo clinic more than four times trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me and they couldn't figure it out. Then, by chance, a local nurse practitioner asked me if I realized I was autistic... "I'm what?" and suddenly my entire life made sense. I've compared it to being similar to realizing you're gay. You suddenly have to go back over your entire life and revaluate events with this new bit of insight and suddenly you start to understand why things have happened that you never understood before. It's a difficult process and I'm still going through it. I am not the person that I thought I was, and now I have to learn who it is I actually am and how to best live this person's life. It's super weird.

This sounds so strangely familiar. All my life I've had these emotional outbursts, being inconsolable for no reason or for silly reasons. Sometimes it's anxiety or panic, but more often just not being able to deal with stuff that goes wrong. Last week I broke the yoke on my sunny side up egg, and I couldn't let go of the tears and the feeling that everything was ruined forever. I've always thought I'm just too sensitive or overreacting, and as an adult, afterwards, I even sometimes suspect myself of doing it on purpose (tantrum, manipulation). But in those moments I can sometimes "see" myself actively going into the outburst, but at the same time can't/won't stop it. Does anyone relate to that?

Most of my meltdowns happened when other people went too far in bullying me, or when a person physically threatened me. They were so violent that I really feared that I would injure, or worse, someone. I was never the type to do a crying hysterical meltdown.I began seriously working on this, after an incident when I was 19. I tried to pay close attention to what had happened before the explosion. Over a few months I was able to identify physical symptoms, earlier and earlier. If I begin to tighten up, it is coming. If I begin to shake I have to leave, immediately. If the power/heat surges up from my feet, to my head. ( Very, very rare now) I get out! Because of my severe PTSD from abuse, if a male adult threatens or tries to harm me, I have no control. I begin screaming and I attack with deadly intent.No fear, no pain, no mercy. You see why I worked so hard to gain control. Only makes though. I have never flipped out on a child, smaller woman or ( heaven forbid!) an animal. I'm 69 now.

I'm crying listening to this. Your experience sounds exactly like my life. I am 50 and have never been diagnosed with anything except depression and anxiety. When a meltdown happens at work it can take days before I feel comfortable enough to face people.

I'm a mum and step-mum to two boys in the spectrum. What I tell people when they try to tell me what they think autism is, is , 'If you know a person with autism, you don't know what autism is. You just know one person with autism.' It's so different in the two boys and most other's I've met. Everyone is different. Thanks for talking so openly.

The worst part for me is having a meltdown around any other people. I isolate myself to the extreme, as it is, because keeping my mask on is so exhausting and I’m terrified of it slipping (and a meltdown is an enormous, embarrassing slip), and it’s worst of all when it happens around people I’ve recently met. I recently hired someone to help me with cleaning projects that were too much for me physically, and at some point it just got to be way too much - too much talking, too much sensory overload, too many questions, too many decisions, too much having to explain why I wanted something done this way instead of that way, etc. - and I lose all ability to talk or in any way try to vocalize, “This is too much for me, I need to be alone now” and I go into full meltdown. If only makes it worse when the person it happens around responds by saying, “Look, if you don’t want me to come around any more...” Afterwards, it’s horrible to have to sit them down and have the “It’s not you, it’s me, it had nothing to do with you” conversation and tell them about the stuff that’s “wrong” with me, the very thing I constantly wear a mask to try to HIDE, and I just end up feeling even more embarrassed and more of a freak. The way they look at me, either like they don’t believe me or like they’re thinking, “Okay, this is definitely someone I never want to be around again” ... it’s just mortifying. I gave up trying to make friends years ago because of it, because I always think no one could ever truly LIKE me, but it happens even with acquaintances and service people I hire to help me. I’m achingly lonely, but if I could get by never having to see or be around any other people, ever, I would. I wall myself off as much as I can, about 99% of the time, but it’s impossible not to come into contact with anyone EVER.

I'm autistic and sometimes am lucky enough to be home alone during a meltdown. It's mortifying when it happens in public and I can relate to the shame wave that hits you afterward. I've never seen a video of someone speaking about much less showing it. Thank you.

I just had a 2 hour meltdown exactly like this before watching this. I'm undiagnosed and this video made me feel a little less alone in the world. Thank you 🥺

When I was a kid I used to cry to my mom EVERY night before bed (talk about my school day then panic and be TERRIFIED for the next school day) and ask her “Why am I like this? Why am I not like the other kids? What did I do to deserve this?” It was horrible. When you said your mom heard you scream “Why did you make me like this?” I froze. It felt SO spot on. I mean literally everything you said was spot on, but that really brought up a memory. Those nights were horrible, it was like my nightmare routine. Every night. Thank you for making this video, it helped me so much.

The embarrassment and shame is so intense and it was very very brave of you to share such a vulnerable moment. Mine are almost always due to communication issues with other people and I try and try to get them to speak more specifically and clarify and they are like “What’s the big deal? Why are you getting so upset?” When I was young I used to scream at god too. I didn’t understand how come I would go to church and follow the rules and still these things would happen to me. It’s so nice to see you back. Your videos are great.

I remember having meltdowns in high school, and being the good student I was, I had to attend class anyways. I remember how humiliating it was, everyone coming to me, and asking me what was wrong, and being unable to speak as I was gasping for air... and not being able to leave and be alone, which would have been the most helpful thing, just kids staring at me, as I cried in class.

discovering I'm autistic (and add) has literally saved my life. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one going through this and that there's a reason and I'm not just "broken" or "dramatic" like I've been told and thought my whole life. I'm so thankful I have words to describe what I'm going through and I'm not just "a baby." Thanks so much for this video and opening up it really means the world to me right now because this is literally what I have went through for as long as I can remember.

I had a horrible meltdown a few years ago when we traveled to stay with my SO's family. I now know, I was extremely exhausted from masking all day, I never had moments to myself because we were always visiting family and we were staying at their house. So one day I think it became too much and I didn't want to come out of my room, I could not stop crying. My partner was like what the hell is wrong with you? What are you crying about?? I literally did not know. I'm like I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm crying, I'm trying to stop. I could not stop, I cried for hours. It was the worst. The worst thing is not having someone who understands. This is all so hard to deal with. -_-

My meltdowns can look like what you showed in the vid (thank you for being so candid btw, I really appreciate all the awareness you bring) Sometimes when I am being yelled at to stop or touched it gets so much worse. I can't breath, I hyperventilate, I hold my head or face and rock violently back and forth, somtimes repeatedly hitting my hwqd against the wall or floor. If people are yelling at me to stop I literally can't, I have tried everything. I cry so loud....wailing in despair and choking on air. I often come out of those episodes utterly spent and unable to talk, often with long scratches on my face and neck I didn't realize I was giving myself during the meltdown. I am 35 years old and I feel like a spoiled toddler. I am trying everything in my power to change this but I don't know how.

When you were talking about getting upset and having a meltdown over something like a screw not going in, it fit so perfectly I never realized that was a meltdown. My grandma always scolds me for overreacting and "you can't frustrated like this at a job". Like gee not helping mommom, now I have sudden unnecessary anxiety over a possible future job. Now I know it is autism.

I thought everyone had melt downs. I really get embarrassed too. Thank you for sharing

I really appreciate the visual of the meltdown. I only recently realized I was autistic (at 35) and I never recognized my meltdowns as meltdowns because my stimming is extremely subtle and mostly repressed. I look identical to you when I melt down----uncontrollable sobbing and 'tics' that I didn't identify as stims. Thank you for your courage and your vulnerability.

These meltdowns traumatized my husband and he burned out and left me, I was diagnosed too late last year. It was really exasperated by cptsd and exhaustion and hormones. I self harmed or if he would argue with/scream at/touch me when I said no it got really bad, and I felt so out of control and then I would hate myself so much afterward and feel so tired and embarrassed. The trapped in my own skin feeling is so accurate. I hate this part of myself so much. I think the only thing that really helped, looking back now, is space, screaming and crying it out, not being argued with (which for my poor husband wasn’t fair since has negative emotions/anger too) and being talked to calmly, saying it’s okay and let it out and we’re okay. I’m learning that I need to do this for myself and I wish I’d realized sooner, so I didn’t exhaust him.

I’m an adult female on the autism spectrum. I also have complex PTSD and a physical disability that I don’t dare share publicly. I went through almost a decade of many forms of abuse by my own psychotic stepmom. I was mocked for my meltdowns and for stimming. I was punished for stimming and for having meltdowns. I was called names. She did physical things to me also, like beating my head on the wall. Or if she saw me doing harm to myself, she would do it for me. I now live with my real mother, who treats me right, and she understands me, and lets me be me. My meltdowns are mostly due to intrusive thoughts and flashbacks because of my CPTSD. Can having intrusive thoughts or PTSD flashbacks cause autism meltdowns? Is it like too much emotion stimuli on the brain or something? My CPTSD almost killed my spirit, because I believed for a long time that I would never make it with my talents. And that I was never good enough, even with my talents. I used to think I deserved the abuse, and that everything was all my fault. I even used to believe that my stepmom was right about some of the horrible names that she called me. I’m definitely a sensory seeker, I love compression. But there are certain times where I’d like to be left alone until I’m to the point where I can be touched, then I let someone hug me.

I'm starting to realize I probably need to get tested. the more I learn about autism in women the more I realized I probably have it. I've had anxiety attacks my whole life and I'm starting to realize they might have actually been meltdowns. I don't know if this is helpful to anyone but sometimes if I have physical and mental stimulation to distract me it helps. And I specifically mean my Rubik's Cube. If I can have access to one when I'm freaking out it helps calm me down because I have to focus all of my energy on solving the cube. Normally it's an easy task. That means I'm not going to get frustrated by not being able to do it, but I have to think harder than I normally would to stay focused on the cube. Usually by the time Ive solved it a few times I realize Ive completely calmed down.

I'm 61 and had one major meltdown when I was 14. I consider myself extremely lucky in this regard, but it does take work to make sure the meltdowns don't happen. I'm an obsessive planner. I have a backup plan for my backup plan. I spend a great deal of time thinking about what could go wrong, and plan out a couple of backup scenarios and what to do if something does goes wrong. That doesn't mean the anxiety isn't there, but knowing I have a backup and concentrating on the next step of my backup plan lessens the anxiety of change.

You hit it right on all fronts. The recovery time is grueling. I'm beyond brain fog, and into loss of intellect trapped in all of the negative feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt. It's horrible.

Being embarrassed about a meltdown is like being embarrassed about an epileptic fit or a heart attack. You can't control it, so don't blame yourself. I'm diagnosed Bipolar Disorder, and wasn't diagnosed until 40 years old. I'm so glad you finally got your answer at a much younger age. I am really enjoying your videos, and having discovered you now I am binge watching you, so to me it wasn't a year, it was just a few minutes 🙂

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels embarrassed after a meltdown. I also want nobody to touch, talk or even be around me during a meltdown. I wanna be alone.

TW: self harm? I remember when I was younger and my step dad knew I was autistic, but I had restrained myself around him so much that he didn't acknowledge it much. Then I brought 2 rats home from the pet store, because I had birthday money and they were about to get fed to the snakes. My mom and step dad told me they were gross and I had to bring them back. I rolled around SOBBING for over an hour on the porch, I was pulling my hair out, hitting myself, scratching myself, and just having the most uncontrollable and exhausting meltdown ever. I felt so trapped and responsible for the rat's lives and it would've been impossible to get me to take them back. After that I got to keep them and my step dad apologized for how hard he had been on me, and explained that I was so good at hiding my autism that he forgot how real it was.

I started having meltdowns only recently, to do with work pressures and burnout. Thank you for showing that recording. I recorded one of mine and this video helped a lot for me to feel like I'm not the only one this happens to. It takes so long to recover. And I'm not sure how to support myself if I can't now work without triggering meltdowns. It's frustrating and really hard to find disability support for this. It's debilitating.

For the longest time I thought I was just having panic attacks. The part that really resonated with me was when you said you feel trapped in your skin/body. I get that claustrophobic sensation and my body feels foreign to me. Like I just want to astral project out of there, lol. I don't want to be touched, I struggle to talk. They seem to happen a lot when I'm going through a period of change, even if I'm not consciously aware that I'm stressed.

Wait, so you're telling me that my outbursts of screaming, crying, running out of the room and into my bed and everything out of nowhere, when I have stress especially with my parents are meltdowns? Like it makes so much sense now... I always wondered if everyone has these, because I was always told it was anger and I should just put it down, but anger feels different for me. Also the aftermath is the worst... The only people who ever witnessed a meltdown of mine are my family, and they still don't get, that I can't control them and need my time afterwards. So my parents usually come into my room and want to talk with me about it, and because I'm in meltdown mode, I will just scream at them to get out... I always wondered, why my sister never does those things, but now it really makes sense...

Thank you for sharing this so openly and honestly. I’m diagnosed with OCD and ADHD, but I find this very relatable. My meltdowns are usually because things feel “wrong” or when people move things out of place. I used to be in Army ROTC in college, and I would absolutely LOSE IT when I couldn’t lace my boots up in a way that felt “right” or when my shirt sleeves would scrunch up when putting my jacket over it. Now that I live with my partner and our kids, I don’t have a room or space that is solely my own, and there are days I just set up at my desk or on the couch for the entire day because I know my stress level is so high that going through the rest of the house and seeing everything in disarray will trigger a meltdown. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed because in addition to meltdowns and aversion to change, etc. I also have a lot of trouble with social interaction and other things, but every therapist I’ve asked has sort of blown it off. It’s also tough because from everything I’ve read so far, the three are so identical in the way they present and can even be co-occurring. I take medication for OCD and ADHD, and sometimes I feel like they work, but other times I feel like they just exacerbate my symptoms and make me really anxious and panicky.

Oh my, I have had these meltdowns all my life but I thought it was normal. My mom called me inconsolable when I was a teenager. Only yesterday I looked up autism in female adults and I think I may tick some boxes... 😓

I’m not autistic but I’ve had meltdowns due to stress all my life and all I call the aftermath my “shame spirals” because I literally just spiral down into deep pits of shame after having a meltdown/episode. For me it comes from this sense of being just completely and utterly overwhelmed, and I get that feeling of wanting to rip out of my own skin. I can’t even completely explain because I don’t think I really want to rip out of my skin I just feel really trapped and overwhelmed? Idk, but it’s a mess and I’m a horrible person to be around during it. I looked into them being panic attacks but I don’t think I’m going to die during them, I’m not really thinking much of anything honestly, it’s just raw feeling, so I don’t think they’re panic attacks. I’m thinking they’re anxiety attacks because they are triggered by stress or negative emotions basically, but I’m going to be honest, what you described in this video is the closest thing to what I’ve experienced.

I'm 69 and self-diagnosed. I've been watching these videos about women and Autism and these are some that I especially enjoy and have learned from. When I was a child we had a walk-in closet in our house. I remember that a lot of the time when I got upset I went in there and screamed and screamed. My mother said that she listened and made sure that I was alright and let me stay in the closet until I was ready to come out by myself. My mother also said that I never seemed to have emotions about anything. I would just look with no expression. I know now that is an autistic trait. Looking back on my life and the way that I am now, I think that I've learned to internalize everything and just not feel. I don't cry. I didn't cry when my mother or my sister or brother died. But for some reason I can cry when a pet dies. I guess that with people the emotion is there. It just doesn't come out. But I really don't care. I've been in some situations where it's probably saved me.

You were so brave to record and show your meltdown to the world. Mine are often very explosive and related to emotional overload and change, not sensory so much

Wow… as someone who also has meltdowns, knowing you were willing to record one of yours and post it astounds me. How incredibly brave. I consider myself a pretty open person but I’ve only ever felt comfortable letting my husband see my meltdowns. I really appreciate your vulnerability!

That meltdown footage was intense, but wow so useful. Thank you so much for uploading it. I remember having these as a kid all the time for hours over the smallest things, and i would hide under my bed and just felt like i wanted to die bc everything felt SO much. My parents would lay next to the bed and hold my hand through it, because nothing else helped. When i was a teenager i thought they were panic attacks, and then as an adult i just thought i had emotional breakdowns all the time over nothing and was so worried. ive always been unsure to call them meltdowns, bc i wasnt sure how an actual meltdown looked like, but thats EXACTLY how my breakdowns look like. And the loss of control you’re describing, its actually so relieving to know that what ive been experiencing is an actual thing

I have "ugly crying" meltdowns too, but do anyone also have meltdowns like .. boiling slowly but stays "below surface"? (Just wanted to clarify that I don't think you're ugly, you are gorgeous)

I’ve had meltdowns all my life! Thank you for sharing. Mine are similar to yours but I can say at age 54 I’m a little better at controlling them. It’s mostly prepping so they don’t happen. I need sleep, healthy meals at regular intervals, space when I get overwhelmed, support from my loved ones (remind me that you love me and tell me you are not going away). My BF of ten years is the only human who’s ever been able to talk to me and help me calm. ❤

The shame from meltdowns is what’s so debilitating, I’m glad you touched on that point. I recently actually told my boyfriend that I’d seriously prefer shutdowns over meltdowns, since shutdowns look more “normal” than a meltdown.

I love how you talk about meltdowns! My meltdowns used to be more severe as a kid (I was diagnosed at age 2), but I deal better with them now...but I’m such a mystery to myself that I cannot even tell what my meltdown triggers are.

This was illuminating. I’m self-diagnosed and all the talk of meltdowns and being unable to control them has made me wonder if I really am Autistic. Your descriptions and the clip have made it clearer. I would have regular sobbing meltdowns as a kid and always felt like a brat for it. Throughout my life it’s been sort of a regular thing I just came to expect… after a certain amount of time I’d crack and have another sobbing fit alone in my room. I figured it was lifelong depression or anxiety, which are certainly an issue, or too much stress at the time. The pain and frustration would built over time and finally all the problems of my life would churn around in my head as though there was no hope at all and I would howl until I felt sick. Then I’d go to sleep and in the morning resume life, kinda tired but weirdly lighter. So yeah, I dunno, maybe it is just a coping mechanism and I just have GAD and ADHD but it certainly makes sense as Autism as well. I’m 50 now and hardly have those anymore. Since we started house shopping long distance I’ve had a couple. The whole concept is incredibly stressful and I’ve had to gradually acclimate my brain to it. But what I usually have is what I like to think of as mini-meltdowns or silent meltdowns. Just suddenly realizing I’m no longer capable of dealing and refusing to do so. I prevent a lot by peacing out early, tbh. Looking at houses in freaking Texas online until I say, “No, nope, nuh-uh… Texas isn’t real. It’s a conspiracy. They made it up to frighten children…” Then I play video games or eat a snack or something… In your defense… who cuts a doughnut in half? You might as well cut a taco in half. Bisecting a doughnut ruins its groove entirely. All your anticipation, sliced in two. It’s like the meltdown I had in 5th grade… I was in a “smart kid” program called AIM and they had a Christmas party for us. I was so excited, there were decorations and treats and tiny wrapped gifts. I grew up in a large family, but with no local extended family that might give extra somethings on special days, and money was tight for our family… we didn’t get a lot of extra treats in general. I thought the tiny wrapped gifts would have some little curiosity or goodie, something special, even if it was just a candy bar it would have been exciting, but when I picked out one to unwrap… it was toothpaste. Aim toothpaste. It was supposed to be a joke. I broke down and cried. I was so disappointed! Toothpaste is not a gift, for one thing. For another thing, I hate mint. Moreso then. And minty toothpaste burns like fire; I buy a special cinnamon paste these days. And here they are, giving me toothpaste. Half the gifts were that, the other half gum… which is still kinda weak but better than toothpaste. It was like getting a toilet brush… anyway, I make it my business to have something special in any and every goodie bag that goes to kids. Even a lollipop can tilt the mojo in the direction of confetti and balloon energy. But man, was I embarrassed at the time.

I just found your channel earlier this week and I'm so glad you're back! My 11 year old daughter is in the process of being evaluated for autism. She has meltdowns due to stress and her calming technique is very similar to yours. This video is very helpful, thank you!

When you said "my mother thought I was being a brat" I started to cry ... (trigger warning on section - about my father - in "reply")

i was completely baffled by my childhood meltdowns well into adulthood

I just recently realized that I have ASD. Watching your video about meltdowns was very eye opening. This is the first time in my whole 48 years of life did I realize there was a name and explanation of what I was going through and experiencing. Thank you!

I felt the same way growing up- i feel most of my problems came from others including myself not understanding me properly, and when I got diagnosed at 18- just being able to know there is nothing wrong with me and I'm not bad, just different solved a lot of issues and enabled me to deal with my problems much better- I think having undiagnosed autism leads to a lot of mental health problems that can be alleviated when you finally understand what's happening. Love the video- so great to hear others with similar experiences, the more this happens hopefully the less shame we will have for having meltdowns or shutdowns 🙂

Thank you for coming back to your channel. I found you a few weeks ago. I am going to be formally assessed for Autism at the end of May, and I am kind of excited. I have felt like a weird alien all my life, like I didn't really fit here. I can remember times when I was younger where I just had to go away from people or stressful situations and just be alone, difficulty breathing and crying. But your meltdown with the deep swallows, that is something I do too when I get super overwhelmed. I can remember getting so stressed out that I would pace and shake and wring my hands repeatedly. From you to Princess Aspien to Neurodivergent me and several others, I am so incredibly thankful that you guys are here sharing your experiences. I would continue to be lost without you guys.

Thanks for being so open about your journey. You have helped me understand more about ASD and you are helping others and this is a wonderful thing you are doing. Thank you!!

My 22 year old was just diagnosed with ASD & PTSD. The mother guilt is overwhelming, especially because I was a special education teacher.

Thank you so much for posting this raw and honest video! I’m also an autistic female (I’m 28 and only realised I’m on the spectrum a year ago) and definitely truly relate to how meltdowns and shutdowns affect us as autistic women. Again, thanks so much!

Thank you for posting. I’m trying to get my daughter diagnosed. Listening to your videos has helped me understand a little better and for her to not feel like she’s the only girl feeling this way.

Thank you for this!! I never related to what I knew about melt downs, but from your description and video I realise I've been having them my whole life

I've been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder (both of which I'm on meds for) and ADHD. I'm almost 32. I want to pursue an ASD diagnosis. I believe it's been misdiagnosed and has contributed to a lot of problems in my life. Thank you for being vulnerable and showing your actual meltdown. I'm sure that took courage. It's nice hearing someone talk about going through this. I have been dealing with these meltdowns since I was a little kid. And I don't have them as often, but I still get them sometimes and they are terribly embarrassing and upsetting when they happen. I always end up apologizing not too long after to whoever was around when it happened. It's like when it's happening, you're not in control of yourself. I have subscribed and look forward to more videos.

I'm being assessed for asd next month and finding lots of information on things that I experience and this video made my jaw drop! I was diagnosed with panic disorder and ddnos in highschool but the way you describe meltdowns is exactly what it's like. It happened once when I was at an appointment at a hospital and the only things I could say verbally were "no" and "home" so was hospitalised involuntarily. Some things hurt looking back, but I'm so grateful to you for making this vid!

OMG, thank you so much for putting yourself out there and showing what this can look like. I literally just had one yesterday which was the first time in months for me. I'm super grateful that my husband understands and is learning how to handle me the best way I need him to. On another note, I'm 49 years old and I have to say that developing coping skills that work best for you does really help and you may even find that they are further and fewer between as you get older.

Oh wow, thank you for sharing video of your experience. They're hard to go through, it was really strong of you to post that. All the love from Calgary ❤️❤️❤️

I’m so happy you started posting again, I was starting to worry. Thank you for everything you do.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and helping so many ! Love it!

Thank you so much for have the courage and confidence to share your experiences, Olivia. 💛

Thank you for posting this! I go through this stuff far too often, and it's exactly as you describe. It's difficult holding myself together sometimes.

You really are a breath of fresh air. You're helping so many people with your videos ( autistic and non autistic alike) Thank you Olivia.

This is so wonderful that you are telling your story. Think of how many people will benefit over time from you sharing your experiences. Thank you for what you are doing.

Thank you so much for your candour in your description of what you experience as a meltdown. The way my meltdowns manifest is so similar to mine. Thanks for the validation. Much love and blessings to you.

Thank you for making these videos. It's thanks to creators like you that I know what these are- Ihave had them as long as I can remember, and no doctor I've seen has ever mentioned autism. Our meltdowns are so similar, I think I'll forward this to my family as you explain it far more coherently than I'm ever able to! Thank you Olivia :)

Thank you for explaining meltdowns so well and so honestly Olivia :-)

Awe, beautiful Olivia, thank you so much! You have truly blessed my life and my daughters life by sharing these things about yourself.

I am crying after three of your videos. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your honest experience. Thank you!!! I actually have the courage to make the next step in my journey.

Please keep doing these. You are helping so many people just by giving us your experiences.

Thank you so much for your videos! This issue is so rarely mentionned, and you described it so well. As a mom, I had to deal with those "crises" (that's how I called them) and I never knew what to do (and I may add, I sometimes did everything wrong to "help"). And it is only when my girl got her possible diagnose that we started to figure things out. My daughter has triggers, like a day not going as planned, food, money and there is a sort of mindshift just before the meltdown. Her attitude changes drastically. We feel it. And she can prevent or diminish the intensity of the meltdown when she takes consciensnous that "there's something wrong". So, for her, there is a possibility to untrigger the thing, but it's not always easy.

omg, I'm SO happy to see you're back on youtube, and most of all that you're okay. I stumbled upon your video a few days ago, and thought to my self "these are two of the best autism relatet videos I've have ever seen" (I am also on the spektrum)

Just found your channel after I scheduled my adult autism assessment & it's like you're in my head speaking my thoughts! I'm having a ton of mixed emotions of my upcoming assessment, thank you for making me not feel alone!

I absolutely love this! This was my experience growing up! Thank you for sharing your meltdown and experience!

As I watched this & your other videos it was like looking in a mirror. The difference is I’m 53 years old. I am so appreciative of you making these. I have recently become aware that I might be autistic. My question is where did you go to get diagnosed? I’ve looked online & they only have references to males. Any help would help. Thank you.

As a mother of two boys with autism, I thank you for your video. Blessings to you!

You are awesome! It takes a lot for you to share your story with others. We have a 3 1/2 year old grandson who was diagnosed with Autism. It's great to hear of ways to help deal with meltdowns and help Henry deal with what he is feeling. Thank you!

This is so good to hear. I'm on the spectrum and have meltdowns quite often. It's easy to feel weird and alone, because I always compare myself to the people that surrounds me and most of them don't have ASD obviosuly. So it's nice to hear someone talk about having the same experience. Thank you! Love your channel:)

I'm so excited to see you're back!

Thank you so much for this video! We just started asking ourselves if our 14-year old daughter might be autistic. These meltdowns have been a big part of her life and they’re exactly like you described. I’m going to send this to my husband! What a revelation!

I love your videos! Thanks for coming back 😊 I am on an ASD diagnosis journey and these really help me feel less alienated ☺️

I love how accepting and kind you are to yourself! It takes a lot of courage and self love to talk so candidly about our meltdowns. I hope one day i can be as accepting as you are

It's nice to see people talking about meltdowns and how brutal they are. I'm an Aspie, and my dad literally cannot tell the difference between a meltdown, a temper tantrum, and an outburst. Every time I get really negative emotions and react to them in anger or by crying, he thinks I'm having an outburst and yells at me for it. His idea of preventing me from having meltdowns in high school was to burn one of my dolls every time I 'had an outburst'. As I am a doll collector, and dolls are a big special interst of mine, this made me supress my emotions and extremely paranoid of expressing them in any way. It was scary having to think of which of my dolls would be potential 'sacrifices' and being forced to watch them burn while he got annoyed at me for crying over it. He still constantly tells me to 'act normal' and that 'fitting in is the only way to succeed in life'. I have also wondered what my purpose in life is and why I was born the way I was to the point of becoming existential and depressed. Thankfully, I was made aware of my diagnosis in 7th grade, so my self image is not completely warped and I know that there isn't something wrong with me. And my mom and the rest of my family are more emotionally supportive and understanding of my differences. It's just sad that my dad mostly values me for my high academic intelligence and hates it when I don't constantly mask my Aspie behaviors.

I've had selective mutism growing up during periods of high stress and no one knew why. Got diagnosed with bipolar, then ocd, then social anxiety and depression, then generalized anxiety, and finally realized I'm autistic. It literally helped my marriage and work so much and explained why my tears couldn't stop or I couldn't follow directions properly but everyone around me knew I was smart. So frustrating

omg, I've always thought that I didn't get meltdowns, I just didn't know what they were. this really is an eye opener, thank you for sharing

I'm really blown away by this. I have been diagnosed with Adhd and BPD as an adult, but both don't really explain my problems with over-stimulation. I can't even live a normal life due to this cause I can't be around loud places, after spending only a few minutes with too many people I need to head home. There are days where I can only leave the house with my sunglasses and masj on AND in- and out of ear headphones at the same time. I also experience this mind overflow that you describe. When there are just too many thoughts and emotions and sensations happening at the same time. My brain cant deal with it. For me meltdowns would just feel like lying in bed, not even having the energy to open my eyes, getting super depressed.... maybe thats already the aftermath, i don't know. But the days after are usually horrible and i just want to feel normal again. I've been trying to tell this to a lof ot professionals but they always tell me I can't be autistic because I can read and show emotion..... should i keep digging?

I've been in a deep dive about autism and neurodiversity in the past month. The more I look into it, the more things that I've experienced make sense. I haven't been diagnosed because I was ''too good'' at a lot of things for anybody to worry about me but I've been struggling in silence all my life. I just was fortunate enough to be passionate about psychology and self-help to go get help myself when I was old enough to face it. I think I've been having meltdowns all my life, but I just thought I was very intense and sensitive to stuff that wouldn't bother people as much. I've also noticed that I'm way more prone to it a week or so before my periods. Pretty much all my ND traits are turned way up around my periods and that's usually how I know it's coming 😅 I stim a lot more, I have what I thought was panic attacks (now it sounds like it's actually meltdowns) and everything is overwhelming. I'm curious to know if other AFAB people see a difference around their periods too! I'm happy to have found this video, I understand a bit more what's going on with me 🙃

The words being stuck! I’m so glad it’s not just me. People don’t get that the words get stuck in your voicebox and it’s so hard forcing them out, if in fact you can get them out.

What a wonderful person you are! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! I can only imagine what this is like, but thank you for your strength and vulnerability in helping me better understand!

I had a meltdown once as a teenager because my dad put parmesan cheese on top of the pizza. I hate parmesan.