Being an Unwanted Child Comes with a Lifetime of Trauma 

Even if you are never told you were unwanted, even a child knows there's a difference between being tolerated and being cherished.

I was unwanted to the point of being hated by my mother. She lied about it to everyone until she died and never was able to show me love. I do everything I can to make sure my children know how easy it is to love them and how glad I am to have them in my life.

This continues with siblings rejecting you in later life. It's really so sad. The grief goes on. ❤

My parents did not want me and my father took every opportunity to TELL me as much. The emotional, physical, sexual abuse I lived through caused 67 yrs of damaged life. I've worked in therapy for 40 plus years but you can't undo the trauma. No child should be born unwanted. EVER

People are not reliable. Love yourself and take good care.

When my daughter was 4 she asked me “mommy do you remember when you and daddy had a fight and you went into the little blue bathroom and cried”? She then mimicked what I did during that event which was to sit on the floor of the bathroom and hug my knees to my chest. I remembered that scenario n clearly. The strange thing about her question is that I was 3 months pregnant with her when that happened and never told her of that fight after she was born. She even knew the color theme in the bathroom because it was in fact, blue. She was also a twin, but my body absorbed the other fetus by my 8 week checkup. I found out I was pregnant very early and the twin was visible using the “dildo cam” internal ultrasound. When my girl was about 5, she told my dad that she had a little brother that didn’t make it. Fetuses know a lot more than we think that they do.

I don't usually comment on videos because I feel like my thoughts are "unwanted", but this resonated with me so much and felt compelled to share. I was an “accident” and my parents would tell me and my brothers that they would take us to an orphanage when we made them mad. They would often say things like "i hate you and I wish you were never born". They even left my brothers on the side of the rode and drove away saying that the "new family" was going to pick them up, and drove down the street and picked them up a few minutes later. I now experience every result on that list. Feeling so unworthy of love, relationships, good jobs, even sabotage my own health because I feel deep down like I never should have existed in the first place. You really did a great job explaining exactly what it feels like to be an unwanted child and put words to things that I have felt but didn't know how to explain. I especially liked how you distinguished the unconscious wish to die as a separate point from "sewerslidal" fantasies. I really don't want to die, but ever since I was a kid I have felt deep down this wish to die gnawing at me like a hunger pang, but instead of starving for food, I was starving for love and belonging. It really is a LIFETIME of trauma, but understanding where our trauma comes from and knowing we're not alone is such a big step in the healing process. Thank you for everything you do to help people understand their trauma.

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

I was born in 1951 in Lisbon. When my Mom was pregnant with me, she told my Dad: If its a girl i don't want her. Nobody knew if was a boy or girl because those pregnancy test didn't exist . Guess what! Her first child was a girl ME !!! I can't explain how dramatic my life was all those years. After she had 2 boys, my brothers which i loved. She try to kill me more then one time, but made it sound like an accident...all my life i try to please her, but she never was happy... She always loved the boys, but not the girl...its a very, very dramatic story but i made the decision earlier in life not to be like her... I got married age 32 ,had one child a girl and i dedicated all my love and affection to her...and today she doesn't care about me. What a strange world. I relay on GOD, and Jesus Christ to keep mentally healthy. I,m a Bible reader, but not associated with organized religion. I,m not 💯 happy, but i keep going to do my best.. In today,s society i found difficult to find someone 💯 happy. Thanks God bless you All.

Thank you. I was told I wasn't "planned" my dad had a vasectomy before I was conceived. I was told it was a "happy" accident but was treated with anger and spite. Everything was my fault. My older sisters were blameless little angels but I was somehow responsible and punished for everything they did. I was accused of lying, being "rebellious" and making life difficult for them. I deeply sensed I was not wanted from a young age. My parents always found reasons to be unhappy with me. I was the only born with "problems". I have adhd, epilepsy, chronic lifelong insomnia and a learning disability. But instead of getting my any help, even for my seizures, I was just accused of making my parents lives difficult. I was labeled "the difficult one" and the "rebellious" one because my parents didn't understand my adhd wasn't just me "wanting to be difficult". When I tried to defend myself and speak up, I was screamed at and told to "stop being defiant". They never wanted to understand me. They wanted to hate me and blame me for everything that was wrong in their lives. My sisters even treated me like I was some type of alien. It was a such a sad and lonely experience There are no words to describe how alone I felt.. The most emotional and painful time of my life was my childhood. I was even having existential crises at a 5. I thought I might have a figment of someone's imagine, I thought I wasn't real. I wanted to run away. The good thing is, because of skepticism, I was able to break away from my families' religious cult. I was able to form my own opinions and be way more open-minded they ever dreamt of being. I had nothing to lose, they hated me anyway. As soon as I turned 18 I ran off and got married to someone even worse. He completely fooled me. But i was young and naive, etc... Of course that ended in divorce. He was emotionally and physically abusive and that marriage ended in divorce. Just now, 40 years later, I am finally getting into therapy. It is my turn to be happy.

When my youngest daughter was conceived we were not planning on another child. You could even say we didn't `want` another child, but once it happened and we got over the shock of it, we embraced it. She went from being unwanted in concept, to a very much wanted real person. At no time in her life did either of us ever consider her unwanted, despite the circumstances under which she was conceived. I do not understand parents that have unplanned children and don't embrace it once they're here, let alone hold it against them and make them feel unwanted.

13:58 I have never seen myself written out in such simple language. It's scary and liberating.

I was unwanted and abused. I still bear the scars on my body of the abuse. Now, add to that of being adopted and being told constantly that I am not part of the family. My mother wanted me but not my dad's side of the family. I had adopted brothers and a sister but they had families. My dad's family never came over. My mother has no family. My dad's sister disliked me and made it a point to tell me that I wasn't part of the family. She would come over, and take my brothers and sister out for ice cream and they'd come back with toys. At Christmas, my dad's sister brought us gifts. They all received nice gifts. But as for me, she brought me baby toys. I kid you not!! My parents did nothing to stop this behavior. After my mother passed, my dad's sister laid into me and told me how she really felt. "I didn't want them to adopt you, but your mother wouldn't listen. She had to have you. You are a failure and bring nothing but shame to the family. You're nothing but a whore!" Wow! Okay. I passed on to my dad what she had said, and his response was troubling. "What do you want me to do? She's my sister." After that I left, and I never came back. Being adopted was taboo growing up. I didn't belong to any group or never had a culture. I did ask God why he created me. Many years down the road, disastrous relationships, I was in church one day, and the second reading was from St. Paul. It was about adopted children of God. I could relate to that. Being adopted, and knowing my mom loved me, helped me realize how much I was loved by God. God created me because he loves me. That was good enough for me. Forget about what others think or say. 🎉

This video is the very foundation of my life. This explains the very core of my experience of existing. Came into it's own the moment he brought up the suicide obsession.

Thank you Tim for this video. I am 44 years old and grew up unwanted by my father and with a narcissistic mother. My father did not hesitate to say it explicitly throughout my childhood... sometimes jokingly ("I was raped by your mom."), sometimes very seriously. I have no memories of my dad ever doing "dad stuff" with me (playing soccer with me, teaching me how to ride a bike, coming to cheer for me on sports or school events), but I do remember very clearly an instance where he told me seriously I was unwanted (I must have been 10-12 years old). My mom always saw me (including up to today) as a utility for her. This included verbal abuse when she felt I wasn't useful or supportive to her. It sounds like a detail, but I also started realizing that there are no pictures of me with my dad in our family photo albums. Fast forward 30 years: I am a married father, 3 teenage kids (I am not making the mistakes of my dad ;-)), and went through a marital crisis in the last 2 years. This triggered a lot of my trauma, and recently I started seeing a therapist and I started to connect the dots between my dysfunctional behaviors and my childhood trauma. I tick almost all the boxes in terms of dysfunctional behavior - from feeling almost always unloved, to being a people pleaser and wanted to be everything for everyone... even down to the small but ever-present suicidal thoughts (never to a degree that it would be problematic, but they do pop up in small ways from time to time). But I have started a healing journey. and I wanted to tell everyone out there that it is possible. One way in particular where I get a lot of benefit from is connecting with my inner child. Spending time with him, giving him the love and "wantedness" he never had. Reconnecting with childhood play and games (including together with my children). Also spending time alone and in silence, something which I have struggled with throughout my childhood. My parents are in their late 70's now, including with health issues. I would really like to tell them one day, but I feel that it will not resonate with them and will hurt them... also, they will not change anymore at their age. I have good hopes that I can heal myself and most importantly ensure that I don't commit the mistakes of my parents towards my own kids. I hope you can make some more videos on this topic and especially on the healing journey.

I resonated with every single one of those "when you get older" points. I am 62 now. It's so painful!

Excellent video. I’m the product of an affair. My mother tried to trap my father and when he wasn’t hearing it, she kept me just alive enough for no one to call the cops on her. But I am absolutely the equivalent of a feral human. Anything I’ve learned was on my own, and the hard way. This life has felt like a curse from my moment of conception. The trauma in the womb resonated greatly with me. My aunt punched my mom in the stomach trying to rid her of the shame. The uninvited family guest. Your video gave me clarity and the comment section gave me peace of mind knowing I’m not alone.

Sir, you are marvelous. My husband has the trauma you're referring here. I have been married for 8yrs now. It took me 6yrs to convey my sincere admiration and love for him. Yes, it took me this long to convince him that there's no ulterior or hidden motive here. He's out of fight or flight mode, he's currently much calm and secure at work too. I only hope this continues.

My mother had me at 16 and hurt me more than I can convey. No drugs, no drinking. Just coldness, contempt, neglect, delight in my suffering, and obvious preference for others. I'd say she passed the torch to my ex, but they worked in tandem, really. Since first grade, I've walked hand-in-hand with suicidal ideation. I never belonged in the family, though at first I thought I did. Imagine my embarrassment. Thank God for a lifetime of jobs where I was valued. Thank God for my friends.

Im a 64 year old adoptee who found my maternal birth family, and through Ancestry, found the real history, which makes his whole theory true beyond anything I could ever hope to make sense of the constant dread I’ve always felt. I was adopted, my birth mom was adopted, and her birthmom was also adopted! The generational shame has been devastating for decades until my therapist brought this concept to my attention. It made total sense and gave me the determination to end the shame with me.🎉

Wow...just smh. Coming from a family that swept everything under the rug thinking it would protect me, I had to learn Emotional Intelligence the brutally hard way. I survived because the Most High wants me to and continually aligns my thoughts & actions exactly where they should be. I am grateful 💫

OMG... this filled in so many gaps for me. I could never put my finger on why I could never absorb love and was always so detached from my own feelings. All of my relationships I would always look for a reason to break up or sabotage them. I sabotaged my career jobs, everything with no understanding of why I always felt so undeserving of love and attention. Thank you so much!

Yep, I was the unwanted child. My mother definitely did not want another child as I was 10 years younger than my closest sibling (it was pretty obvious) and she just seemed indifferent towards me unless she needed me for something. While I came to terms with that, I will say that because I did not feel the love or felt like I had been nurtured enough, I decided against having children because I didn't want to pass those awful feelings onto another human being. It really stinks having that nagging feeling of never being good enough.

I was wanted by my mother but not by my father. I discovered this 10 years ago and my father's coldness & indifference towards me all those years suddenly made sense.

I was a child that caused shame and embarrassment on two unknown families . I had to hide from the world in fear of being found out. I was adopted.

Reality check half of our children go thru that trauma. How many unwanted babies are born ever single day! I am the child of a teen girl, who was forced to marry and move to another country. She did not even speak their language. 67, and your video still touched my soul

I wasn't an unwanted pregnancy, I was the middle child of 7. 3 older and 3 younger, but my mother never loved me and my 5 brothers were taught to hate me. I don't know why but I became the scapegoat and was terribly abused by by mother, physically and emotionally. Then my oldest brother SA'ed me and my mother never believed me. My trauma has never left me and even though I have 5 of my 6 siblings still alive I live alone and never hear from any of them. I am now nearly 64 and have become used to being alone although I still yearn for that family connection for myself and my 3 grown sons who have never had the chance to be cousins or nephews. It is so sad for them.

Tim, you truly are God-sent. Bless you and please keep adding more content for those of us who continually struggling🙏

Whew the title alone is true for me. As the child who ruined my mom’s plans, I know firsthand what unwanted is. I watched my parents be very involved with my 2 siblings growing up. They did special things with my siblings, like fun trips white water rafting, traveling to visit relatives in other states. My dad and brother bonded over race cars and sports during his teen years. my mom was so involved with my sister, she hand made both of her prom dresses.They even founded a neighborhood activity group mentoring young kids. My older siblings went to college one right after another. As soon as they left, my parents went right back to work full time. That marked the end of my parents full time involvement with me. I was on my own during the years my siblings had active parents. My senior year of high school, I had two roommates not parents. it’s only recently I realized I how unwanted that feels

These are the issues that should have been taught in counseling classes that I took at the university. Actually, no issue were taught AT ALL! Thank you for the relief that I feel today after praying that some awareness would come to help me out of my pain.

My father told me flat out that he didn’t need a 5th child and especially a 4th girl. He told me to my face he didn’t want another mouth to feed and wished I wasn’t born. I never forgot it and my entire childhood he was emotionally cruel to me. A sibling agreed that he was especially mean towards me. My mother loved me enough to make up for his hate. My mother was an Angel that poured love out to me. When she died the trauma was very painful. My birth was a difficult one 36 hours and both my mom and I were born with a hernia. I was operated on at 5 to fix it.

So wow, you just explained why I came into this life suicidal. I have healed myself nearly 100%, but I'm sure I still have residual symptoms. Psychedelics healed my suicidal proclivity. Many years later, breathwork has been healing the rest. I fell into perfectionism, because I felt I had to compete with my sibling . . . the golden (wanted) child. It's interesting that this video popped up for me today, after my mother unintentionally re-triggered the "unwanted" wound. I saw it for what it was and did not respond in any way. So it amazes me that this video showed up. Thank you for the deep dive into lesser trauma. 🙏

You validated the reason I haven’t been able to keep a job. It would start off beautifully, everyone loved me, but I didn’t know what to do with that acceptance and I created a situation over and over and over, with every child I got. It wasn’t until I saw the same mindset in my sister and her work history that it suddenly dawned on me what was happening. Thank you.

This is the trip I signed up for according to my natal chart (and my life), but now add off-and-on, disabling, chronic illness and pain. Yes, that's right. That sums up my whole existence this lifetime. What's interesting to me is that I would still rather be me than anyone else I know. What does that tell you about the people in my life? I've also always loved myself and have never hated myself. I've never understood being angry at God. That just does not compute. That's probably one of the main reasons I'd rather be who I am in spite of all my issues and problems. I am also a people pleaser - to a degree.

Wow im bleeding now, why all of these make sense to me so much. Thank you for sharing.

I just watched on a whim & you just explained my whole life. I wasn't wanted & told so by my so called mom. I wasn't loved by her & my dad was never around so he didn't know what she was saying or doing. I couldn't tell either. She turned the whole family against me. I grew up feeling exactly like what this man is talking about. Now, I'm a whole different person. I've been working on myself forever.

I've often wondered why my mother attacked me so much. It always seemed more than the others. She has done everything imaginable to us and is generally awful to be around, but this video really opened my eyes to a connection, or lack of connection that I wasn't fully aware of. Oh, you got all the symptoms and effects right. I never realized that that wasn't the original me. That was the abuse and the scars. I thought some part of me was just poisoned with evil. But that's not it at all. The more I try to heal the more I realize how special and good I am. Maybe it sounds conceited but my mother robbed herself of knowing someone really incredible.

In my late fifties now and trying to heal my inner wounds. I didn’t see myself as having issues because I was provided for as a child. But all the criticizing, body shaming, being told many things as jest with large seeds of truth in there, has weighed heavily on me. I relates to much of what you discussed. I look forward to watching your videos on how to heal.

Being unwanted has followed me from the womb. In so many ways i have felt impotent as a person. This video covers this matter quite well and yes, I opted out early, maybe halfway thru this video. Its alot to be reminded of and is proof it remains a sensitive issue.

It's the feeling of shame that gets me. Everyone in the family and extended famiky knew but pretended my mother had not wanted me. The proof was there. All the stories about how i was born, how ugly, how i cried when she nursed my older sister, etc. My grandmother, her stepmother, who did not have kids raised me. They all lived in the same house. Then when I was about 4, they moved out under negative circumstances. I went but never felt i belonged. I was afraid of her. She beat me, pushed me oyt the house at night. My eldest sister, as far as i recall despised me also. She and my mum were a team right until my mum died. I became a people pleaser. I worked so hard at domestic chores, etc. My sister took away every boy interested in me. I left for college when i was 20. My brother's friend started dating her. I was just good friends with me. But it tirned out he was a monster. Hi identified me as unwanted immediately and my sister always disrespected me. I think they both enjoyed deriding me. He raped me. And my family never forgave me for disclosing after she had married him. But i knew my youngest sister was at risk, she was so socially unskilled. He denied everything. I am now blamed for breaking the family. My sister chose to remain with him, initially chosing to go with him and leave the family, she told me she was getting on with her life and i should too. Years later the story became "an accusation was made and never proved". At my father's and mother's funerals, they treated me as if i were invisible. I was there at my parents last days, looking after each. But all that is never acknowledged. I am now the mad and problematic sister. They've all done well for themselves. I struggle with everything, including my physical and mental health and i just manage to scrape by. Now their children--whom i loved and grew up for them by always being there for them--are frown up and reject me too.

I was born in 1951. Since I could first remember, my mother told me that she wanted only three children. She told this to many people throughout her life until she died at 87. I am the fifth girl. A boy came four years after me; then a hysterectomy. I first thought of suicide at twelve. Through years of talk therapy, medicine, and 12 step work, I enjoy being alive. It took a long time to heal. You talk is on spot.

My father was always gone and my mother is a narcissistic violent abuser, who was a sexual deviant. I knew she enjoyed breaking my heart. I hot lost a couple times as a child, and I knew completely, that she and my dad, don't care and will never even look for me. I truly believed that they'd never care or even try to find me. To this day, I have no idea what it feels like to be loved. I know I disassociate to some extent because I often don't know how I feel. I believe in nothing and in no one.😢 I am that person!! Even if someone could or did love me, I don't even think I see it, feel it, nothing. I have the death wish, the fear, the depression. If I go visit my mother today, she is 81, and has no more ability to love me that's he ever did. She infact, a month ago I visitd a home she toyas verbally abusive and always tries to do accuse me of some demeaning abusive fiction.

You forgot an adopted child. Big trauma...! After listening to this video, it amazed me because you described me exactly 💯 % My life has been plagued by self-doubt and feelings of not being quiet good enough. I have sabotaged all of my relationships and today I am 73 years old. I have never been able to fully trust or love deeply. I've been depressed on and off for most of my life. My adopted parents were good parents, I even met my birth mother and siblings. Nothing made a difference. It's painful living like this. But I do the best that I can. I can't even get too close to my own child or grandkids. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. God Bless everyone who feels this way. 🙏 ❤

Probably a less common one but I was conceived after a very serious and almost successful suicide attempt by my mother. Idk if I was an accident but she didn’t want to be alive much less have to care for a child. Maybe I was supposed to “fix” her life. I was supposed to be as good and loving as her son but I didn’t fix anything and I was rejected by age 7 or 8 when I was no longer a cute baby I was truly on my own emotionally. Ouch ouch ouch. Thanks for adding that we CAN heal.

I identify with this unwanted child description. However, I have somehow been very fortunate. I have had a deep sense of spirituality from a very young age. Perhaps I had supernatural help. Healing is very real. I have been on a healing journey from a very young age. I am grateful to have been born into this scenario, and thankful that people like Tim have put time into understanding and teaching about this.

Oh my, oh my, this hit home hard, really hard. I can finally connect some dots. I've always had the notion I'm not right the way I am. Then my mother revealed to me one day, rather like on a side note, that I should have been a boy and she even told me the name I would have been given. I do not hate my mother. She herself was an emotionally neglected child. Instead of love and attention (she was the only child of her parents) her mother fed her. She became quite chubby as a baby until the family doctor told grandma that a child needs more than food. As I remember my grandmother she probably was asking herself "What on earth could a baby want other than food? Maybe a diaper change?" She was always emotionally distanced. Well, in her younth, there were some catastrophic events. I can see that in the family history, a huge manure pile of trauma has accumulated. I do not want to dig too deep, upturning my layer is enough. I check all the boxes of your list of psychological development issues.

My mother was 20 when she got pregnant back in 1972. She didn't realize she was pregnant until she was 6 months gone and only then when a doctor told her. She came from a very rural catholic upbringing where sex education was not permitted. Anyway, She had me and wanted to give me up for adoption because my father didn't want to know anything about me. I was put into an adoption home as a baby but somehow after a few months my mother was persuaded to take me back and my father went along with it. However the shame of having me out of wedlock was too much for my mother. She eventually told her parents and my father told his parents and a shotgun wedding was arranged. The problem was my mother turned this shame into rejection of me. I felt unwanted all my life growing up as a kid. My parents had more kids and the contrast in how they treated them and me was stark. There was a lot of violence and emotional abuse directed at me from my mother. My father was weak and an alcoholic and never tried to step in and protect me. I ended up with severe CPTSD and emotional problems. It's taken years of therapy and healing work to get to a point of being semi functional. I don't trust most people. It takes me a long time to let people in. I don't see my family of origin anymore including my siblings. My mother turned them all against me. Parental shame is so toxic. I feel for myself and anyone else who went through anything similar. It's not easy but as a child you do feel something is wrong but can't quite put your finger on it.

I thankfully had a lot of love and felt wanted by my single mum but she left my father after they'd planned to have kids but he reacted absolutely terribly when it became reality. He spent most of my childhood doing less than the bare minimum and I realised so quickly he didn't want me - or at least that was the clear message his actions gave. At 25 I struggle daily with feeling unwanted by one parent even though I was very lucky to be wanted and cherished by the one I lived with most of the time.

I thought I was adopted until I met my dad's family at 12. The resemblance was undeniable. My mother told me that she told my dad that she would abort me if he didn't marry her. They had a terrible marriage. My dad wanted a boy, and bought me boy toys, engaged me in boy hobbies, and treated me like a boy. My dad treated my half siblings like crap, and they treated me like crap. It took me a long time to correlate my attachment problems and feelings of worthlessness to this. I ALWAYS feel like a burden, even though logically that it isn't true. I mentally checked out of my home around the age of 8 or 9. I reassured my parents that I'd be fine if they died. I recognize all the results in your list. It's taken me over 50 years and lots of therapy to understand this, and it still crops up. I try to reframe it, but it's still work.

I’m glad I watched this, so many questions answered. Ive missed many milestones in life, and could never figure out why. The list of symptoms you go through sounds almost exactly like me, basically a life filled with anxiety, it’s amazing. At this point (I’m 58) I’ve come to terms with who I am and just decided that creating my own little world where I’m in control and can do as I wish, without other people in it, works best. Thank you for this video.

One person saved me from severe trauma in my life as a child. They were removed from my life so I could heal. Which I have successfully done but the trauma they endured greatly effected me my entire life until they were removed from my life. I have taken to saving every video I find relevant to them. They may not return into my life but I will not give up on my desire to help them. The videos I save help me to understand them more and more. Everything in life happens for a reason according to divine timing. All I do in my life not only serves me it also serves others. It is a pattern I can not deny and have learned to just go with it as resisting it only causes problems in my life.

My "mom" wanted me when I turned 8, only because it helped with our asylum application. I ended up in the system at 14yrs old. I'm broken. I find trauma release guided meditation has helped me cope. I tried to foster healthy friendships in my 30's only to find out I was talked about behind my back. It was a HUGE mental set back for me, I ended up pushing away almost all my friends. On another note...This may sound silly. For years, well into my late 30's I was lying to myself, telling myself the trauma made me who I am. That in some way the trauma was my secret power and my success in university and career was as a result of it. Finally in my 40's I learned about complex trauma and how damaged I truly was. I will heal. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but I will heal.

When I was a teen, I read Stranger in a Strange Land and totally related to it.

I was an accident from an affair and met my father at 19 yrs old. His family was not happy to know me and my step mom never trusted me. I still struggle in my 50s to believe that I belong and have a right to be in this world.

I am proof that healing, integration and wholeness is possible because while listening to Tim tell me about my entire relationship with life I am not triggered into a comatosed rage! I can listen, both to him speaking and me remembering, with compassion and understanding and a kind of joy that i have survived AND have more Life than ever before to live! ❤

My fiancé has said so many times that his mother left when he was 6 weeks old. That she didn't want to conceive him, that childbirth was horrible which she blames him for, etc. I've listened to him but haven't validated his blaming his life on this at all. I didn't think what happens that early on could really affect a person at all. But so much of what he has gone through since is addressed here. Especially his relationship with me. I've wondered why on earth anyone wouldn't accept being loved or believe that they were worthy of being loved. And why would someone betray someone who does love them. I guess this even explains why someone might be prone to keeping other relationships hidden on the side. Because they believe that the person they really want is just going to leave them anyway. So at least they will have a backup in place for when the main relationship fails. This honestly does explain a lot.

What's interesting is that your parents don't even have to keep reminding you that you were not planned, they can even insist that you were a "happy surprise", but in most cases it will show in their actions regardless of what they say. My parents didn't play with me much or teach me anything, then they would treat me like I was mysteriously difficult when their neglectful parenting style was to blame. I grew up thinking there was something deeply wrong with me. If a baby isn't something a person truly wants, it will always show in the end.

trauma-ties i grew up being told " if abortion was legal in my day you would not be here i do not want kids " . i was never told i was loved , i was never rocked or cared for or shown any type of affection in any way shape or form . i became the scapegoat to my narcissistic mother and eventually the scapegoat for the entire family and finally abandoned and became a ward of the state at 11.

I have never seen this topic covered by others in such depth and I'm so grateful because it's the story of my entire life. It's given me a much better understanding as to why I am the way I am. My parents were forced to marry at 18 and 20 when my mother got pregnant with my brother. When he was 12 weeks old she got pregnant with me. She told me she cried constantly for the first 5 months she was carrying me because she did not want another child. My earliest memories are of being told I was unplanned, unwanted and that I'd ruined her life. She always said she could've left my violent father with 1 child but not with 2 so it was my fault for even being born that we all endured the fear and misery of being under my father's rule. I never felt loved or wanted. I tried so hard to please them and became a pathetic people pleaser my entire life. I also became the black sheep of the family and carried all their guilt and shame round with me. They're both dead now and I was written out of their wills for not being "good" and following their rules. I function and do the best I can in life but the trauma runs deep 😢

It's was an opportunity for me to choose myself, love myself and support myself, starting a new generational cycle for the next 7 generations, while healing 7 generations back,🧿.

We're here for ourselves. We're born alone, and we die alone. The sooner people realize that the happier people will be. And that doesnt mean you have to be selfish just lower your expectations.

My mum lost a baby at full term before I was conceived. I the last of five children. I was often told by my narcissistic mother, that she need not have had me OR that I came for a reason. My nearest sibling is 10 years older than me. When I was 10, my father died. At that point my life changed. My mother turned her attentions to me. I was of use to her, because she refused to do anything. I grew up fast because of the responsibilities. My mother made it her buisness to stop any joy in my life. I was subject to abuse regularly. My siblings didn't care because they'd all moved out. I was stuck with her until her passing when I was in my late 40s And yes..I had to do CPR on her. Yes I'm complex. In the last three years, I've been diagnosed with CPTSD. And yes, I do need help.

My mom wanted me but my dad didn’t. I have a lot of these feelings.

When I was a kid, I thought I was a punching bag. So I'd go to school and beat up other kids and steal shit from them. I hated myself and pretty much everybody else. Then i joined the wrestling team and used that to vent my aggression on other kids. It helped me alot. I did pretty good with that, won many awards. Went to state a few years, made varsity team and had a letter jacket. Plus i had the respect of my peers. I quit picking on innocent people and just used aggression on the mat. The intense training really helped discipline my mind and see things differently.

Nothing has described my experience more than this video... Ever... The only thing I would add to it is when they palm you off with a relative but continue to hang around.

I was always left alone, locked in the house when my Mother went to work every day. She left me 3 bottles of carnation milk mixed with water on the bedside table each morning before she left. This was my life until she got caught out and sent me to live with my Grandmother when I was 2 and half. I have some memory of my early life.Living in that silence.

I grew up knowing I could not ever be anything bit a disappointment. Mum could not have more kids, me the second, and I was not the boy they wanted. Dad tried to say he wanted girls, raised us more like boys but focused on the oldest. Mum made it clear how disappointed she was about it. My sister says she always felt loved, I did not. I appreciated what they did do but being adhd with a side of autism before it was being diagnosed, my behavior just added insult to injury. So my 'bad' behavior just seemed to reinforce how they didn't want me. It affected all my behavior and ability to succeed in life.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful message.❤🙏God has been so faithful to me I exalt his name now and everyday of my life. Awesome God ❤️my family are happy once again and can now afford anything for my family even with my Retirement.$67k weekly returns has been life changing, after so much struggles.

I have that deep feeling of anger, how I've been working thru it, is also my "protection". I isolate. I've been hopeful that I find a better way to work thru it. I think I may have been shown a light at the bottom of this huge dark hole inside me.

@16:07 same for me, self-sabotage "since it is gonna self-destruct anyway, coz no good thing in my life stays or is true, it is only a mirage, LET ME DESTROY IT MYSELF so at least i feel like i had SOME AGENCY in it". the shame and deep distrust tints EVERYTHING.

One parent was a mentally and physically abusive control freak the other chose to favor my younger sister and forget about me. Took decades to heal to the stubborn survivor I am. Memory still throws a kick at me occasionally if I see someone acting like one of my parents. Today someone might have intervened but when I grew up they were both in an untouchable group ....teachers.

O.M.G., you hit all of the nails on their heads. I always feel like if someone wants to get to know me that I shouldn't let them because they won't want me

According to my mother she was beaten by my father during the pregnancy. She married him when I was a month old. She tells me he beat me as a baby and until I was put out of the house at 16 l was frequently physically attacked. It truly was like turning up at a party to which you weren't invited and then only being allowed to stand outside. I am now in my late 60s and I am okay but it's been a difficult life. Knowing that you brought no joy to your parents, just resentment and hassle neither wanted is a painful fact.

I was a Dumpster Baby at 10 months. I was sent to an uncle who then had his own kids. When I aged out, I was kicked out of the family. At 52, it still hurts.

Tim, you are one in a million. Thank you for posting these videos, because they help us to sort out some really old, really difficult stuff

I was born in 1941 and told in 1956 the man I believed was my father was not. I always felt different from my brothers in some way….children regardless how young sense these things. I believe now this has made me throughout my life feeling guilty and insecure.

I think you forgot one, the mother uses the pregnancy to get out of the situation she's in.

As a fifth child whose mother’s inhibitions were lowered by occasional alcohol and eventually by dementia, so that she would verbalise things like this - being aware that I wasn’t the only one - I learned eventually to not see it too personally. A lot of the stressors involved with unwanted pregnancy are not about the pregnancy or the particular child per se, but resenting being overwhelmed by childcare demands, overwhelmed by budgets, feeling that their existing relationships were impacted. And yet the characteristics and ways of relating to others that you list are uncannily accurate on point after point about myself and two other siblings. Between us, the three of us tick just about every box. It’s one thing to reach a conscious philosophical attitude or policy about it, it’s another thing to deal with it.

I was literally thinking today, how even if someone loves me it doesn’t matter how much they do I will always question their love for me..

What about entrapment pregnancies. Plan to entrapment a man.....and that does not work out. The treatment of the child is awful.

I was wanted, but to “fix” my parents’s marriage. So pretty quickly after my birth, I became unwanted because I didn’t do my job. So I don’t fit into your categories, I guess, but the “results” I have are spot on.

It's pretty obvious to a child when their parents don't want them, no matter how much the parent denies to the child they weren't wanted. And there's a difference between unplanned and unwanted. Many unplanned children get welcomed into the family, but truly unwanted kids are never welcome in the family, no matter how well behaved they are, no matter how many siblings come after them, or no matter how much the siblings misbehave. The parents always give signals by the way they treat the unwanted child compared to the siblings who are welcome, planned or unplanned. Kids know they aren't wanted when they see they're denied basic needs such as food or clothing while their siblings don't even have to ask for those things, and when their health issues are being neglected while nobody else in the house has to beg for weeks to see a doctor while being left to suffer without treatment for their infections or illnesses. Parents, if you don't want your children that you're pregnant with, either find a family member to take them from birth or put them up for adoption so someone who DOES want them will give the child a fair shake in life. It's sick to keep a child you plan on abusing or neglecting right from the get go. Don't just keep them so people will think you're an awesome caring person when the reality is its MORE caring to give the child to someone who will care for them. I knew, and I knew as a very young toddler, so if I knew that young, others do as well

I was adopted, my mother turned 18 the day after she had me. I was born with a double hernia so spent 2 months in I guess an orphanage before I could go home with my parents. Then I was sexually abused, I knew what a vibrator was when I was 3. That's was just the beginning, it took me until I was 54 to realize how screwed up I was. Still working on me at almost 56.

Know I understand I remember what happened with me and my brother and sister since babyhood, I remember my whole childhood, then the divorce, the depression, suicideal thoughts, and becoming a borderline personality disorder!

I actually had my mother tell me that she wanted an abortion but my grandparents wouldn't allow her to get one. I was only five years old but I understood that she was talking about me. I wish my grandparents had allowed her to do what she wanted with her own body. This life has been unbelievably hard and I am so tired.

Shortly after my mum left my highly violent dad she discovered she was pregnant with me. I believe she was depressed during the pregnancy. I was definitely not planned or wanted, at least by my mum and dad. Luckily, my mum moved back to live with her parents and this is the home that I was born into. I was most definitely wanted and loved by my grandparents. I spent the first two years of my life living in this wonderful, stable home. Regrettably, my mum eventually got back with my dad, who didn’t believe that I was his child (my mum told me this). I was about 3 years old when this happened. It was an awful mistake and I grew up terrified and riddled with anxiety. There was a glimmer of hope though. When my mum moved back to live with my dad she didn’t take into account the bond that existed between me and my grandparents. It was clear to her very early on that I was rejecting this new environment and my mum continued to reject me because an attachment didn’t exist between us. And so my mum entered into a strange arrangement whereby I would spend weekends and holidays with my grandparents, and the rest of the time with her, my dad, and my siblings. It was still a very difficult upbringing for me but there was something good that I could hold onto. I lived for the time I spent with my grandparents and I have some wonderful memories to treasure. Life with my mum and dad was one of being an outsider, always looking in, always trying to make things work but not understanding how to make it work. Never realising that it wasn’t entirely my responsibility. This is a great video on a subject that I have never heard of before. It has helped me to understand why I struggle to feel loved and wanted, and why I have a pessimistic view of relationships generally. I can accept that I was loved by my grandparents but my parents attitude towards me also did its damage.

I was an unwanted child. Abandoned by my biological father before I was born, that brought shame to my mother from her family for being unwed. She was even kicked out of the house for this. I could always tell something was off as a child, and now, as an adult, I realize how much that unwantedness affected my life. Too bad abortion wasn't legal at the time because being an unwanted child has been a lifelong struggle. I would have preferred not to have been born. I have always felt like I didn't belong and have tried many times to commit suicide from age 12. Listening to your list is like my life story.

Thanks Tim! May God bless you immensely for all your help you are providing!

I was an Accident. I guess that explains my crap childhood. My old school father mad at my mother for getting pregnant. Takes two to tangle! Anyways he didn't want another mouth to feed, I was told later in life. I suffered physical, emotional, physiological abuse by him. I never knew why he hated me so much when I was young. One time he slapped me so hard almost broke my jaw. My mother had medical issues so I don't think she knew. Yes, I felt ignored, abandoned, unloved, not worthy of anything. I also stuttered in my early years, my disability was not being able to process information fast enough. Maybe that's why I detest Interviews so much. The questions asked are so difficult. Just be specific not vague. Idiots! Adult , I was independent, learned to communicate well, and Creative. Divorced, and raised my son alone. I've learned to be strong on the inside. I accomplished so many things on my own. Still have to remember to validate myself. I don't know if I was ever loved by anyone. I hope I meet someone right for me to show me love. Now late 50's I don't know if I will be alone for rest of my life?

What about a mother who says she was sexually violated and got pregnant during that violation…🤔🤨

I have a brother and sister I’m the middle child I was the unwanted child I was shipped off to have family members and even strangers to raise me . Mom died a week ago my sister said mom left a will and mom told the attorney that she only has two children. I was excluded from the will. My siblings split what ever mom and my stepdad left so I’m grateful for what they did. But I’m deeply hurt of the fact that that mom said she only has two kids. I’m 64 life long trauma from that so call mom lots of physical and mental abuse. I’m going to have to see my PCP for sure.

I was unfortunately born to a woman who wanted another son, absolutely NOT a daughter. Between her alcoholism, her physical abuse of me, and hatred of me, I suffered quite a bit. But I haven't let it beat me yet.

I would add a 4th category. Couples in the 60s and earlier were under social/family pressure to have children to "validate" their marriage whether they really desired children or not. My mother outright stated this was the case for them.

Adopted as an infant in early 60's to a narcissist mother who sexually abused me, tried to drown me, and turned me into a container for all her unhealed trauma. What a workout that was!

Being 'planned/wanted' or 'unplanned/unwanted' is merely one of the tragic gifts served by planned parenthood. To the contrary: All children are precious gifts from God; planned, and perfectly timed, loved, and wanted by Him.

I overheard my mother tell my grandmother that she never wanted children. We were, all 4 of us, accidents. I use to look through her papers in her files hoping to find my adoption papers because I just knew she could not be my real mother.

I've had all of the effects Tim covers and here's what has helped me: Therapy, self-awareness, discipline in thoughts and feelings. Not being around those who encourage negativity. Being happy that I AM my own person. Speak positive mantras of thankfulness throughout the day and especially before sleep. Really examine when I feel wretched or have a negative reaction, determine if it's from conditioning that's been placed on me or if it's valid. Set reasonable goals w/steps to achieve them. Workout regularly, healthy diet, and write down thoughts before bed. Remember everybody dies so be authentic.

You missed a big one: The congenitally disabled child. My parents wrote me off at diagnosis and never accepted that they didn’t get the child they wanted. The anger and resentment dripped off my mother like sweat. Even on her deathbed, 23 years later, she was angry about having been stuck with me.

I have mostly been happy go lucky and being a child of a single mother in the 60s and 70s didn't bother me that much. It wasn't until my son was old enough to go to first grade that I realized I didn't feel like I learned the tools I needed to be a dad. My mom married when I was 10 and my dad adopted me at that time but he had a business to run. I didn't really want to be a third wheel so to speak and didn't want to be a burden to anyone so I tried to stay out of the way. I'll have to watch this again as I think I have cptsd but I don't think I had 'that bad' of a childhood.

My mother had me to try to keep my biological father with us--didn't work with my sister, not sure why it would work for me. When that failed, I was supposed to give her unconditional love. It wasn't the love she wanted; she wanted male attention because that's the only way she felt she was worth anything. (She had her own mule train of trauma and never should have had children.) I quickly became a burden, and no matter how much she tried to claim she loved me, it was obvious that she didn't, and that I was very in the way of her men. My stepfather was atrocious, and made it very clear how much I was in his way. (I never knew the bio father; he didn't want anything to do with me either. There had to be a blood test to prove I was his so she could get financial support.) I'm told that when I was tiny, I was a very happy child. I had wonderful grandparents, so I was able to attach to them as they were my most common caregivers. Then, my mother married my stepfather, ripped us away to the acreage away from my grandparents, and the trauma completely changed me. I don't remember being happy and loving, tbh. Either I was too young, or I blanked it out with most of my life.