The worst is when only one sibling is expected to bear the burden by herself. While others are left to live their lives. It creates so much resentment among the siblings.
Shale Modiba yes but they always make you feel guilty and always ask for more. They come to ‘visit’ to assess how you are doing so the demands can go up😟😟😟😟
My dad died when I was 19 and my sister had just started grade 1. My mother was a “house wife”. He didnt leave a will, everything we thought we owned was inherited by the first wife (who he was seperated with for over 20 years). Our lives changed instantly. We were homeless, carless and unemployed. As a child, I had to assume the responsibility of a provider. Today, 10 years later i have accumulated lots of debt as a result. I pay mine and my families accomodation, i took my sister through school. There is not enough characters here to describe how painful and robbing this experience is. We need to do better for our kids
Nozi, once again, am a Ugandan. Mom of 4girls and my last born a boy. Am 51yrs old. All my girls have graduated. The boy is joining university this year God willing when schools start again. The 3girls are already employed. I never ask any of them to meet my needs because while I was taking them to school, that wasn't my expectations! It was our responsibility to take them to school, to clothe them and shelter them. When they come home for holidays, I take care of them still. Like on Christmas, Easter etc etc. Sincerely people let us parents not be mean to our children! I don't want my children to think am a parasite!!!!! A lot I can say here but let me conclude by saying that patents, before we produce these children, let's first plan for the future. It's their obligation to be taken care of but it's not our obligation us parents to be taken care of our children when they grow up and start earning. You have a big point Nozi and thanks for sharing. Regards to your loving husband.
Black tax is real with me after mama died while I was ten people reminded me that when I come for holidays home I must bring a braai pack because it wasn't my home and so when I was done with school and went to university I stayed in Joburg permanently and when one of my aunts tried to pull demand card money from me I told them truth that when I came back from boarding school every term you use to make me buy a braai pack with my school grocery money so I don't owe anything I have paid my debts and if I wish to give you money it will not be because am forced but just because it from the heart
Story of my life... You and I are in the same boat sesi... Stay strong and remember you don't owe anyone anything, do things from the heart. If they don't appreciate the little you do, then just ignore and smile. You owe your life to God
You’ll never achieve anything for yourself in life if you’re not selfish and unfortunately kwi family it will never be enough no matter how hard you try!! This is a very informative topic. Love it!!..
Children don't owe their parents for raising them. It is in no way healthy for a parent to expect a child to take care of them and demand money from them as 'payback' for raising them. Yes our parents struggled to raise us but we aren't responsible for that as children. A broken society and broken family system, particularly absent fathers that enforce single-parent women-run households, are responsible for the difficulties encountered in raising us. I also experienced being expected to take care of older and male siblings. My needs always came last. I was always the easiest child to disappoint while all the financial resources the family had went to my older brother who squandered them. Black families need to do better
Black Tax is the reason why some Marriages and Relationships are not working out within the Black Communities.... It's draining and a heavy burden. I've seen couples walk away each other due to Black Tax.... Especially when the "victim" is not acknowledging and admitting that Black Tax is setting them Back.
Mna they call me Stingy and They say I am Strict...they are scared of me... I had to become FIRM, I want a Scope Of Work before taking money out and I tell them I live on a budget so they must let me know of things way in advance so that I see what I remove from my budget to accommodate the amount they require. I also told them I'm not a millionaire - Peace Be Still. Black Tax is a very sensitive topic but if one doesn't set boundaries for family members one will forever be broke and live in a cycle of debt and not change anything for the future generations🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Yhoo sisi, I see myself in you. Being robbed of your childhood, being everyone's 'saviour', to an extent that your siblings think they are 'entitled' to your money. I have lost a lot over the years, a house, a car but through God's grace I have a new car and a house. I have a child and I told myself that I will never put her through what I went through. It is the responsibility of parents to take care of their kids. Yhoo hay sisi indenza buhlungu le topic. I have a disability and with that grant I took care of everyone but fortunately I finished school and got a job but yaqhubeka. I had to put a stop to it and I made enemies because of NO. The unfortunate part is when you need something these people you helped out never come to your rescue. Mandikuyeke sisi MNA ndingabhala incwadi. Enkosi kakhulu for this topic. God bless you.
Sheraldine Mslane I am in the same bot too and l try to keep my kids from having direct contact with family because my dad told the boys once that it was because of their father why l don’t look after them as l should despite giving them more than l should. They don’t care about my illness and disability and only contact me to ask for more
@@mrskhumalo4723 our families put a lot of strain on us, especially if you are the first one to work, myself I built a house for my mother and 2 siblings, bought a car in March, had an accident in April, fortunately the guy who hit me agreed to fix it and it was 2 weeks back when he started fixing it. I parked it at home and left the keys with my brother so that the mechanic can do it from home. My brother took it without me knowing about that as I am away from home, only to phone me to say the car crashed and it's not insured so I lost a car just like, and if you say No like Nozi said they will start saying a lot of hurting words
Yho mntase! I had to revisit this video because wow ndiyagowa! One month into my internship and things are already toxic. And ke putting your foot down is hard because harsh words have already come my way - I'm at a point where I'm choosing silence. I'd rather ignore the calls than deal with it. Asoze ndibe yi ATM. Also, parents need to realise that when they're having kids those kids are not a financial plan that will pay out until they die. Singafa sana always being reminded of where we come from whenever we don't comply with whatever ideas/ expectations they created independent of us. Like, lady! Who said I can afford a quarter of the things you demand?!!
I have been supporting my younger brother since my mom died when I was 18 . He has a dad( my step father but all he does is drink all his pension money. My brother is studying but he was supposed to be a 3 yr diploma but now it has been 5yrs and he keeps making excuses about why school is taking so long and I now have a child of my own and I’m 32 . To be honest I’m tired cause I have nothing substantial of my own but I keep giving with no appreciation or explanation I’m expected to give. Ngikhathele and I need to start building for me and my son but this is a burden on me
Yhuuu Nozi 😒 can we also please discuss gender inequality between siblings and in society generally. As a black girl we under under under the barrel struu 😪💔
It's like you girls are deff. She had brothers and sisters... They abused only her. Do the maths. If other sisters don't get abused what's the problem.? Also gender ? Her mother a female is the one exploiting her for her own reaosns
Sad part is he won't even know what happened to that R200 000.... And he can never look to her for help again... Indeed money is the root of all evil!! Imagine
Omg, this sounds like my life😂🤣🤣😂 including the laughter as coping mechanism, I am trying to get married, she already said she is losing my salary, I have painted her house, bought a car for home and weekly groceries... I am learning how to detach... Hence me searching this topic, great video
To me u r an advisor at a distance, I can relate to a lot of things you talk about on your videos except that am not married & am a single parent, otherwise ur openness is a blessing to me. You have answers to a lot of my personal questions. Stay blessed Nozi.
Great topic Nozi, thank you. Can we also talk about the impact of setting boundaries and saying NO. Bantase some parents really give children who don't adhere to their demands a cold shoulder (silent treatment) which is also very damaging. So elam lithi, let us equip ourselves psychologically to soldier on in not contributing more than what one can. Otherwise we will never be in a position to create a better future for ourselves and our children.
Wuuuu LADY!! 😂 Now I understand why you don't like spending money, because you've spent so much on others at a young age. You are me! 😂. I agree with the keeping quiet about our salaries and positions, it really works
I thank you for this❤️ your mom is so similar to my mom🥺 i think it’s just a toxic trait of being a single parent. You subconsciously assume that self entitlement in your kids finances.its a psychological impact that comes with them accumulating debt trying to feed us, then when we are up they want to be compensated. It’s so sad yet it is unfortunately a reality
But clearly the pressure and obligations are placed on the girls while the boys are coddled. And both single parents and two-parent households do this. The girls do all the work while the boys put their feet up.
Yes Nozi. Dont disclose income. When mom was alive she used to send me to town to get livestock food and medicine &she would refuse to pay me back. The other day I didn't bring anything, yhoo the whole afternoon were fireworks of words🤣🤣🤦♀️. That was the end. She started giving me her bank card to get what she needed for livestock. Once you firm towards your family they stop.
@@thakozanimabaso9561 after that day. I told her the reason of giving her monthly allowance, worse in Dec used to add extra plus we would buy food for whole Dec and Jan. Later she realise we should not deprive ourselves trying to make her happy. Seeing us independent made her happy. Even on her last days she was happy that we were all fortunate employed.
My mom is in her 40's and I wish she could've achieved things for herself so that I Don't have to carry all the burden of starting from scratch. I can't even do things for myself with an open heart. I don't mind taking care of her but to add to that I still have to worry about other things. I don't want my kids to go through this ever 😥
I m so touched. 😭I know what you are talking about. I have been through that journey myself. I even realised that in the eyes of the family which one thinks is doing good you are nothing but an ATM. When you don't have money you don't exist. They can't call to ask how you are doing everytime they call its only when there is something they need from you. Be careful such behaviour normally affect relationships.
Thanks for this vidoe Nozi..it hits so hard..Black Tax is real💔. It came just at the right time. I took a decision to put myself first, to protect myself and my sanity.. I've done a lot for my family already and I've had enough. My dad lost his job during lockdown, my brother is working fulltime. I have been the one who's buying groceries in our household all these years even when my dad was still working. Until last year when I decided to say we must all contribute towards grocery. Since then we've been going equal to anything we planning to do. Singaphela yifamily😏
I loved the part “ when all else fails, LIE!!!!! 😂 Wow Nozi, this is a lot😩 Strength to those who have had to endure this. Makes me super grateful for my parents who have never put this pressure or unsaid responsibility on me.
This video makes me appreciate my parents for giving me space to make my own decisions and bamnkele loonto ndibanika yona.... Hugs to you Nozi, and it's good that you talk about these things and not let them bottle up inside❤️
This is such a sensitive topic. I relate a lot. Really there's thin pine between helping out and abuse. My heart kept breaking as you narrated how you sacrificed your childhood for helping out people way older than you 💔.. The extent of the damage this does is irreversible! We need to heal aybo😭
The first born complex also plays a huge role. The constant compromise and unsolicited responsibility can build resentment over time. I think helping your family is a great thing, but healthy boundaries are important. Says a girl in this exact predicament
Nozi, I totally understand & relate with your sentiments. I’m Atieno from Kenya and as the first Lawyer being admitted to the bar from both my parents extended families at 24 years of age, a lot of expectations have come with this. I have loved especially how you have talked about managing their expectations because some words really do hurt & the emotional manipulations can be really tiresome. Thank you for sharing :) I love all your content and I have watched all your videos. Continue shining ma’. Sending you all the love from Kenya 🇰🇪 ♥️
It's too much girl. I will support who ever wants to go to school so you can get a job and not rely on me but if you choose to do nothing forget about my money.
I get you Hun. Just because l am in UK l am expected to help people grow their own families whilst mine goes without notice. They have stopped asking directly since l became ill so now they just give a story about expensive things and tell me they are going without. I remember dad pestering for money when l was on a hospital bed smh
Sisi.. It is double the weight when you are overseas..I am in the US..and when I say I came to a realization that this will NEVER end and I am going to ruin my future with the man I am trying to build with.. I had to draw the line , create boundaries and set very clear expectations. It is not healthy the extent they go to.. why were we born kanti?
This is very informative. I became smart too quickly, my parents don't tell me what to do with my money. And I learnt that you never tell your parents how much earn and luckily my parents are not too fussy about me always giving me money. Yes you need to contribute towards groceries and electricity but that's about it. By God's grace my mom's is still young and I told her to go back to school knowing very well that I won't be able to support them forever. She now has a deploma, hopefully next year she starts with her degree.
I appreciate your honesty and can soo relate. Emotional abuse...and am also learning to lie and not give her every single detail, it's hard but it can be done.
The fact that you pulled through and are still standing tells me I can also pull through. Don't wanna go into detail mara yho ja ziyakhala kwa black tax kablungu futhi. Thanks sis Nozi.
My mom & grandmother hv always been hardworking. My mom put me through school & university but expects nothing from me. Only dinners for her birthday & mothers day. My granny is in her early 80s & still has small businesses at home. I will not condone laziness. I will not have an adult as my dependant.
Yhu Nozi, as a lastborn of the family one would think that you'll be in a position to escape the black tax issue since there are no other kids born after you 😢😢
I wish I could live my life the way I wanted without having to worry about my mom. I mean, she just sits there and expect me to take care of her and also buy her a house. I have no choice but to support her, though I get sad and think it's unfair because every career move I make I have to think about her. I even had to leave the country so I can get a better job with better salary to support her. Black tax is unfair and our family don't even feel bad for us breadwinners. I will never put my child through this.
I feel for you but don't worry you will flourish and the best way to get out of Black tax is invest in property and if you have younger brothers/sisters/cousins/nieces etc. put them into varsity that way they will never depend on you
My mom wants nice things and she can be manipulative. It her way of living for her and I can't wait for her to get her elder grant. Hopeful she will be happy having her own money.
You speak about real life problems that people can actually relate to. I'm still a student but I'm definitely learning something from this video. Thank you Nozi ♥️♥️
Same hey I have Bursary and get stipend every month, not that I complain but I can't afford to buy myself a new phone nor clothes I get R2100 every month and R15 800 every six months and this is my third year it goes straight to home But my mom is understanding I won't lie, but I struggle to compromise my self
My elder bro is a very toxic dysfunctional human and my mom enables there is something about mothers and their sons ... this is also a very triggering topic as i hv been carrying my family for years since working nje
Wow! Nozzie I respect you, you one strong young woman the way you narrate your personal stories is on another level, may the Lord Almighty continue to Bless you and your family 🙌😍
This breaks my heart☹️😭 Goodness,you were super thoughtful 🤞🏽 it was definitely codependency,I’m so glad you became selfish enough to know when enough is enough ❤️
Yoooooooh that saviour complex I have it too, even when I try not to, I tend just wanna take over anything that my siblings need. It's not easy and honestly. The wedding over your school, I understand you, my sister, at least for me they just could not that they had debts, they didn't know they could get any sort of loan for me to go through school and then I pay for it once I am done. Black Tax is something we all need to get rid of so that our children do not go through this. Thank you so much for sharing.
Nozi is that big sister I never had. Thank you for this, I’m not even done with varsity yet but I’m already that savior, I’m terrified of that pressure but this video and your Facebook post was just filled with healing sis. Thanks again, love you❤️
I relate with you, im in my final year and my grandparents are expecting me to take care of them, my dad expects a car, im already stressed and Im not even done with school yet
The video was long and worth it. I can relate so so much. My mom also once told me she doesn't wish for me to get married as she knows my husband might not allow me giving her so much money. I remember i once showed her my bonus and i was expected to buy things for everyone including a laptop for my brother. Black tax can sometimes be too much. I don't have a car after years of working and she looks at me like I'm wasting money fogeting she and my siblings depend on me
Hey Nozi. This is a very a touching story and I relate to it so much because as young women we are groomed to take up more responsibilities then guys I am a middle child, my brother is way older than me but at a very young age we were told to take care of the household, that's what's expected of women and I think we inherited that since. I've always taken care of things to a point where when we start working it is also the responsibility of the girl child to to take up or to uplift their family because you would think that as a boy child or a man who who will carry their bloodline over that they would assume the role of being the head of the household but in most cases it's always the woman or the girl child that is responsible in maintaining the house. Then all the biggest decisions are left we need to take the boy child to to make the the decision which is unfair where one aspect they are the man we must whatever the guy says goes but in terms of maintaining the households they get to choose what they want to do. Like my brother has been working for more than 10 years before I started working but has never assumed any responsibility in our house he literally lived his own life, bought a car when he first started working then bought his house and after that we had to understand those are his expenses and we can't expect much from him. My mother would always cry that he's not doing enough and when I started working now it was a matter of ok so what are you going to do when you start working, I need this amount of allowance we need to fix the house and all that and ever since then I have taken debt to please my family. Now I'm deeply in debt. I am still learning to set boundaries and learn not to care when this are falling apart but it's hard. How do u unlearn things engraved in our DNA as women?
I struggled to start my business and pay off my NFSAS and also do black tax. I've had to be very emotionallly brave to address the situation. I try my best but my best is lower then the family's expectation.
Wow Nozi, this made me feel some type of way. The only way I cope too is by not thinking about the blacktax abuse that I’ve been through. I even wanted to show them this video but like you say, it won’t change how they think.
Leah Dzikiti so true and they don’t care about the fact that you have your own bills to pay and need to be able to leave a life. I have seen my family choose money over me and l feel like a bank than a loved one and l know at times when l haven’t been able to help, they couldn’t careless how l was
I just watched the video and all i can say is wow...what black parenta do to their children is sad...im currently 26 i dont have a secure job yet but i have let my family know that i will not fall for thr black tax trap and my mom agreed with me saying that as her children we dont owe her anything...going to tertiary was a struggle for me because i had funding and then i failed...when i decided to go back to school none of my siblings were willing to help me and i have 9 older siblings of which 8 is still alive but when i look at it now im grateful that my siblings didnt offer me any help becauase from their actions and words i could sense that if they had helped me i would have been bullied for money, if not them then by their partners.
There is Sad...but this Sadder 😭 . I went through the same drama whereby I am so angry because my childhood was stolen, my youth and now I am 37 yrs old and feel used and Robed 💔 . I have always made boundaries but they don't want to hear about it. I have blocked and pushed them out of my life but they always find a way to guilt -trip me. I am going through a therapy because of this. I am in a better place now but afraid that I might go back to helping even if I don't owe anyone anything. My mum was also a single Mum of 3...I am the eldest and was conditioned to take the whole family responsibilities since I turned 08 yrs. My mum is late now (2020) but now her brothers and Sisters ( uncle and Aunt) driving me crazy. On the bright side I have the best Sister and brother one can wish for...we are there for each other- always. If it were not for my siblings I'd wish I was born in a different family. PS: if I may , you mentioned that you made them used to helping around but that's not true- you were a child and THEY CONDITIONED YOU TO BELIEVE ITS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE BUT NOT YOU. so the question is- who is taking care of you. Who was taking care of your needs as a child? I think for that on my part I just have to take the mirror 🪞
Guys this had me tearing up!! It makes me so sad that so many people are going through such an unfair situation but God bless you and increase your territory. You will never know lack. Remember you don't OWE your parents anything, you being here was their choice and raising you is part of that decision. You don't have to PAY anything back. You cannot pour from a glass half full, what you have leftover that overflows from your cup is what they can drink from. Sending love to you all ❤️
Nozi I just heard myself talking throughout the video. It's like you've just been reading my story. Even the final advice is exactly what I've finally resorted to. 😍😍😍. Stay blessed
Yuu sisi, I can't even express how I'm feeling right now. I am sorry that you experienced all of that at the hands of your loved ones. Love and light you❤️.
Sisi you have carried your family through and are still carrying your family 😭 Kwande Sisi apho uthatha khona, indlela zakho zikhanye. May you be blessed abundantly ❤️
Nozi , your parents come from a different era. Nothing will make her understand...you belong to different worlds. Our parents are walking around with their own unresolved emotional traumas. It spills over to their children unfortunately. Now change the strategy n stop telling the truth about how much u get paid...period. This i learned the hard way. Your content is relatable. Black tax is live. Love n respect for u guys. Sail on n be unstoppable !
Yheyhi mntase. Hayi you covered this so well. I could actually feel your pain ngapha kwe laughter yakho. May God help us heal from all this asinike amandla to deal with this toxicity from our families
"you think you are better than us".... this one hot home. I can definitely relate- but with me its the extended family, mom is great...no hassles or whatsoever
Usebenzile sisi Nozi yhoo,I want to do everything you have done for your mom,but you just reassured me that I should do what I can,when I can,and not forgetting myself,and yes manage their expectations!and I love that you are purposely waiting to have kids,I share the same values as you there,I love this so much!
I am definitely mentioning this video in my next RU-vid video. As a new RU-vidr this is the exact kind of inspiration that I need. Salute to you Nozi. Please don't stop❤️. I'm glad to be getting tips and realizing that I'm on the right path already as much as I'm still a student.
Clicked like before even watching because woooow this is so relevant , Thank you Sis Nozi for the wonderful content looking forward to receiving some tips because Black Tax is killing me
I can relate to every thing you said, whew!!! It feels like you basically took the words out of my mouth. It is worse when you live and work abroad. Thanks for touching on this sensitive topic. And that cousin who took your mum's house...... ❤ you Nozi
You are so mature Nozi, God will continue to bless you! It's ok to deprogram some of the lessons instilled in us for the sake of our kids and generations to come.
Eish, this is real guys. parents like shifting responsibility to first borns. look, stand up for yourself and manage it before it stops your progress. Give parents what you are able to give and stick with that, they will hate you but grow up!
Parents like shifting responsibilities to all kids sisi. I'm a last born to my mom and second last born to my dad. The expectations that they have is crazy yoh
Offer them capital, if they don't want to work then you know they aren't looking for help but to leech you until you run dry. Takers won't put a limit, it's a giver who has to - Someone.
Eish Sisi. You’re right when saying it’s a sensitive topic. This really is a necessary conversation that needs to continue in most dinner tables and all family gatherings. And this episode should serve as the best way to break the ice and get the conversation going...at least I know it will be for me with friends and family. Enkosi🙏🏾 (Uthini na? Uthi “xokani” 🤣🤣🤣)
I fail at managing their expectations as a result we fight a lot with my mom because she gets disappointed about a lot of things she planned on her own
Wow. This is so true. I have experienced part of what you have. He he he. How about when they are ungrateful even with the help? I made a decision in drawing a line and speaking my mind. Best of my financial life!
