BORDERLINE PERSONALITY IN MOMS: THE QUEEN TYPE | DR. KIM SAGE 

I lived 16 years in a difficult marriage and almost believed I was a bad husband. I finally had enough and ended it. The rage, outbursts, false allegations, and revenge threats that ensued rapidly varied between apologies, asking for help, and suicidal ideation. During a family court matter, i became aware she has borderline personality disorder. Our 4 children reside with me full time, we set strong boundaries and she was even arrested on one occasion. Fast forward 3 years and we are well on our way to recovery, I am also in my 3rd year of psychology. Having a borderline in your life profoundly changes you.

Funny how the Queen Mother forgets so quickly what she says and does, but can NEVER forget the mistakes and faults of others. Ironically, my Mother told me that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was so relieved to hear this news and was hopeful she would continue to get help. I checked in on her the following week to see how her therapy plan was going. Wouldn’t you know it?…She was offended by me asking any questions, claimed that she never told me that she has BPD and that there’s no need to continue seeing a therapist because there’s nothing they can do for her, they just want her money!

I'm pretty sure my mother was Queen and Witch. What a heavy load for any child to carry into adulthood. I'm haunted daily and it takes real effort some days to pull out of some of the trauma flash backs or sadness. My mother was bigger than life to me, too - she was incredibly beautiful, talented, could be very insightful, funny....and then possessed demon that lost all control and could kill. It is sooooo confusing as I am healing from her death last year. I stayed with her till the end and was grateful that she told me, "You were the best daughter ever and I love you" I hang on those words to give me peace some days just as they gave her peace in the end....but in going through her things left behind (letters, pictures...she threw away my photos) I learned so much like when she ripped me away from my father at 2 and drugged me from Mass. to California to keep from crying for him. There are things these parents do that is so hard to reconcile. Yes, I can say my mother was not well and that often helps me deal but these mothers also leave scars behind in us that cause life to be a little more challenging. Most of us have some sort of autoimmune disease, anxiety, self confidence issues. Life long healing. Thanks for your videos and your soothing and calm voice....and for your vulnerable honesty. I think your right about the knowledge of this condition helps put things in perspective. And then we go on from there. Much love to you Dr. Sage.

My uBPD mother is a Borderline WAIF who also rages, then pretends it never happened and expects you to comfort her. Can you please please please do a video about that Dr. Sage?

So much of this described my mother. I stood there, shut down and took all her abuse. Just what she wanted.

This is my Mom to a T. The most demanding, aggressive woman I have ever known. Confronted her with this truth & her response was I’m too sensitive & easily offended . Yes - toxic dysfunctional unhealthy behavior offends me . I’m done making excuses and holding myself accountable for her disillusionment. No contact = peace .

Gosh my wife left with our 9 month old when her aunt arrived the moment the travel ban was lifted. They were supposed to spend some time away. What I didn’t know was that her mom funded an attorney and she filed for dissolution and rather then discuss it she pushed therapy which she never did attend. Instead she used my getting therapy as a way to build a stronger case for custody and by the time I got notified thirty days later, she had already gotten the courts to award her full custody. She had no intention of co-parenting and it became very obvious by her actions as she ended up moving back to her mothers in the uk with our girl who will be two in Feb. it’s been a very difficult year, mom doesn’t even send me a photo of my baby , zero nothing , it’s beyond belief and unimaginable. Gosh. Very sad.

You describe my ex. And my breakup with her is what triggered my journey into fully healing. I was floored to notice I was surrounded by many cluster b people, and sadly, I displayed some of it too but I mostly attribute it to learned and reactive behaviour. I’ve had to drop many people from my life, including my family.

What a very interesting video. I remember my mother telling my two sisters and I that we had to vote for a certain party in elections. Even though she would never have known one way or another we felt compelled to vote for the party she supported. Many years later I vote for the opposite party because that is the party I mostly resonate with. But while she was alive, it would have felt unthinkable to vote with my heart. It seems ridiculous now, but unfortunately we allowed her to have such power over us.

It seems like the issues of loyalty expectations and some complicated competition (or living vicariously through children) is something that might pop up in most parent-child relationships. Being empathetic and sensitive, it can be confusing for the “good child” to know when those tendencies cross over into dysfunction. So, it’s really helpful to hear the characteristics and how they may present.

My mother was awful. She acted crazy to get my fathers attention. Pulling guns out, pitting one against another, social ineptness, hoarding, avoiding eye contact with peers, using her kids to carry out her devious okay, demanded I be a nurse, or coukdnt go to school.. exploiting her children, driving me out in the country where a girl was killed, threatening to leave me there, as a kid until I cried, then laughed, threatening to give me up for adoption, entitled, unstable emotionally, .. I could go on & on. Last thing she usurped my sister & I ‘s inheritance and arrogantly bragged abt out spending 3M on her self with nothing to show now. Elderly now, shes mean & selfish as ever. Refused mental help, her entire life. Indoctrinated my sister with lies for years. Pure hell. I wouldnt want to wish . Took Christmas gifts I was given away never saw again. Pure evil

Very interesting. Looking forward to hearing about the other types. Especially the petulant histironic. That sounds like my aunt. My mother certainly doesn't like me to have opposing views although I do. The rage switch when I've slept in because I couldn't sleep in the night was devastating. Then I'm lazy and useless and all the things under the sun and she doesn't know why she bothers etc. Couldn't possibly be because it takes me so long to relax in order to get to sleep. I don't live with her anymore but recently I got so scared I didn't sleep for days. I can see the mechanism of that now. No wonder. I've got epilepsy and she wouldn't let me rest. I've been setting boundaries with her lately. It has gone better than expected. I think she's realised that I expect a certain level of respect and kindness or I'm going no contact again. Seizures have drastically reduced and I'm feeling much calmer.

Is it possible the disorder manifests later in life? My mom was rather immature and neglectful when I was a child, but also loving at times. Pretty enmeshed, she joked that I was her extension. Now that she is 71, she has faced health issues and she is terrified of losing autonomy, she has become hostile towards me : silent treatments for 6 months and now again for 5 months. Yet, she can't stay days without talking to my older brother. It feels like she split on me and sees me in a paranoid way. It is extremely painful for me and don't know what to do. I would never have imagined our relationship would turn out like that. The last years she would say things like "you're 40 and I'm 70" as she can't stand the idea of aging/ death and like she suffers so much so my issues are nothing in comparison. It is like there is rivalry and I am the enemy now. She also threatened to burn bridges and disappear many times. She closed her door on me, like I was an intruder. I haven't gotten my stuff back in 5 months.

Wow I really love how you stated a disclaimer to those who may have been diagnosed with BPD. Very well done. Dr Sage, you are beautifully demonstrating wisdom with grace and kindness and it’s impressive to see. I really appreciate being able to hear the symptoms and indicators without vilifying anyone. Thank you

I have had a difficult relationship with my mother for a number of years. When she is pleased with me things are better but this tends to be at my expense. I have spent so much time in counseling talking about my relationship with my mother. A counselor told me my mother is borderline and the queen fits her. Another professional asked me if my mother might be borderline. I don’t remember this during childhood but it has been a big problem since my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2008 and unbearable since he died in 2018. I say yes, when I want to say no, until it becomes a crisis and I become distant and sometimes have to take a break. Then I’m a big disappointment. I don’t understand how I wasn’t aware of this as a child. My mother doesn’t yell she is just very manipulative. I’m the oldest of seven. One of us is always great and at least one of us is a disappointment at any given time. This is always subject to change. My youngest brother doesn’t want to have any regrets but I feel rotten for feeling like it will be a relief when Mom is gone. It may have been one of your videos that said the queen fears abandonment and her actions accomplish the very thing she fears.

I had assumed until I watched this that my mother was pure dark triad but I accept that I might never get a diagnosis - as Dr Ramani says the specific label isn't integral to accepting different brains. I'm working on compassion and this video is a big step to help me have a more balanced view. Thank you Dr Sage, your videos have been so helpful to my understanding and acceptance.

The only 2 solutions I think will help me heal from my evil mother is distance and therapy! I need to be in an environment where i can be myself 100% and happy. I will get there soon and i will make sure when i leave i will do it guilt free. My mother always tries to manipulate me to think I am a weak person that I will never be strong enough to move out. She always tells me that if i move out she will feel betrayed and feel that im being extremely ungrateful. At first I fell for it and i felt bad but upon thinking about her words more I realized its not normal at all for a parent to control and manipulate their child from wanting to live their adult life. She is a control freak she only wants me to stay home so she can use me for all my money. She never cared about me as a person she barely knows who I am! I get a sickening and sad feeling when I think about how she is. I need to make it clear to her that I cant engage with her until she stops being so angry, jealous, mean and manipulative. Most parents will never acknowledge their traits and heal so once i move out our relationship will probably end for good. I want to heal I dont want to live my life angry and carry assumptions about people. I find myself thinking everyone is evil because my mom is. That's why i have no friends and havent been able to make any. I know for a fact when i leave everything will change I will probably be more open to create great friendships.

Please do a video like this about the Hermit subtype, I'm pretty sure my mom is a Hermit Queen and I'd like to understand that better

I clearly remember my mother telling me, when I was around 10 years old, quote sometimes. I'm jealous of you because you're prettier than I am" as the mother of two daughters, this is just bizarre

Amazing. This is the first time I've heard of various types of BPD. It was not officially diagnosed to my knowledge, but i firmly believe my mother struggled with BPD. She mostly fit this queen type. Ironically, she used to tell people she was a princess or that she had a "princess syndrome." She loved to be waited on; to dictate how things should be and everyone obey her commands. She didn't want to lift a finger; to the extent of wanting me to apply her makeup, fix her hair, and help her dress. Still, I have sympathy for how she struggled with low self esteem, emotional regulation, insecure identity, etc.

Please do a vid on how a child of one of these becomes an enabler .. supporting the toxic demands.

Hi Dr Kim. Wow! Your channel just popped up in RU-vid and has made the most sense ever to me. I actually feel like you understand and are gentle about a mum with this disorder and a daughter from a mother like that...in fact five daughters. We 5 girls are all in our 50s now and our mother is 80... She has caused all sorts of trouble until we all banded together and said No more! I'm the eldest and feel sorry for all the years she missed out on spending with us and our families because of her beyond awful behaviour and I'm being very polite about that... Luckily my sister's and I keep it real with a great bond in life!

This was a really great explanation of the queen type. I think you've talked about it before, but could you do a video talking about how someone can have times of being each of Lawson's four subtypes?

14:50 hit the nose on the head. My husband was frustrated about something I did. I had apologized but I still obsessed over it. Then i went back 15 minutes later to apologize again but he said "We already discussed this though. Its goo" wow what an amazing feeling but in a way I am sad that my response was to not know that someone not holding something against you or withdrawing love is a normal response. You forget and you move on or you dont hold it against them if it's something small.

Thank you. Excellent presentation. I'm NC with my Queen mom (which in my case has been EXCELLENT for my mental health!) but I still appreciate your compassion towards the person with the disorder.

I'm looking forward to the video the petulant-histrionic type.The little I know about those personality traits I can recognize in my +mother, my sister and her daughter.

Dr. Kim I love your videos. You helped me so much with my borderline/narcissistic mom. Logistics question: Would you consider wearing a microphone instead of having the static of the background noise? Your voice is so calming and soothing, I wonder if it would be useful to hear it with less of the static sound with the echo? Almost like a ASMR type video with your voice coming in more softly? It’s something so minor I just always think it and so I wanted to place my thoughts here. This video is so necessary 🙏 My grandmother is this type with some sociopathy thrown in there. It’s a really hard personality to deal with bc they don’t allow anyone to speak their truth. Thank you for what you do ❤

Wow !!!👏👏♥️ Dr Sage this info about the Queen type dynamics is sooo true. Yep I do recognise it now .Am so glad you came across that book . Am in awe of what is out there if you search. Thanks ever so much for this mind blowing stuff boy oh boy😁 a lot to digest today, really appreciate your hard work and your soothing way of presenting your video. Amazing!!! Bravo 👏♥️

Thank you so much. Very helpful video. Just what the therapist ordered… so to speak!

Please go through each of the types!! As an adult child of a BPD mother I can't thank you enough for your videos.

I super appreciate your channel Dr. Kim. I am BPD almost in complete remission now after years of DBT therapy. I absolutely love your categories and I admit I have alternated between all of them at different times and stages of my life. And there's probably some other cluster b overlap (ASPD) but it's true that if we are lucky to get to middle age, of which I am thoroughly surprised that I have lol, it does seem to get better and I no longer engage in these behaviors. Internally I'm feeling as if my mind heart and soul is simply just coming back down to earth and I feel completely awake now!!!! Thank you so much for all your interesting content! 💖💖🌹🌹

Dear Dr Kim Felt disloyal investigating this but your videos on borderline are awesome! It really helps to hear what I go through articulated almost validated by you Why doesn’t anyone else? Because we fix and dance around to make all alright Thanks! A relief to hear your talk Am looking to untangle Will look at all of your bpd videos Thanks for being there!! Good day to you

Do you have any resources that can provide guidance on how to deal with these types of parents once Dementia has entered the picture?

Amazing! I really mixed this type with narcissistic mom style. Thank you. 🥰

What a stunning painting! Is that an Edgar Degas ?

Thank you for this video! I think I have a better understanding of what borderline is now, I've watched other videos on it but it really wasn't clear what it looks like in a person.

Wow, after watching this I realized I was onto something when calling my mom queen without a kingdom lol she’s left me with anxiety depression and self loathing which I am working on as I see now how mistaken that view is and how it was a problem she had not me

Great information thank you so much!! 🕊

Wow this is definitely my mom!

This is so helpful… it’s my daughter and my mother. I’ve been fawning for one or the other for my entire life. Love them both so much. It’s exhausting. I see some of the other types in my daughter as well.

You've helped me so much since I found you about a month ago. I feel so seen and understood. I'm 33 and you describe my mother to a T and this whole time I always thought she might be undiagnosed bipolar but this makes so much more sense. My relationship with her is so exhausting, but having a better understanding of what's going on is really helpful. THANK YOU

Please, don't forget to talk about the other types =)

Is there an ‘Evil Incarnate’ type? Kidding aside, my ma has done a number on me and my siblings…and religion is masking the truth about her and keeping them blind…honour thy mother and father… no sorry, not for those who abuse the innocent and worse still it happens to this day, now against innocent nephews, nieces and siblings in dire need…

Thank you so much for these videos 🦋🦋🦋

Great voice, body language, and content.. ⭐ subscribed

I am a recovering borderline myself is a borderline. My mom is a borderline narcissistic person. Can a daughter also get borderline being raised by a mother like this? I want to read the book because my mother has this type of attitude.

The Queen was my father.

Dr Sage is the real KIM POSSIBLE ❤❤❤❤❤

My mom told me to go to a homeless shelter after kicking me out after I lost my job. Anytime I go through something difficult where I may need her she kicks me out. She allows a grown woman not even family live in my grandmother's house after I asked and she said no. It's like everyone else is more important than me. The degrading comments are horrible and she will post this stuff on FB that makes it look like I am selfish and I cause her so much misery. All I did was argue the fact she didn't acquire her home all on her own like she says she did while she puts me down for not having done that. She was given land but doesn't like to admit that. In her world she had no help and when I ask to buy an acre as their is plenty she tells me to stop "begging for a handout." What does she call what she got? Why is she "did it all by herself" and I have to be begging for something? Well that put me out to sleeping in my vehicle and she changes her locks as if I steal when I've never stole from her. This woman bought a car and was in my room crying one night asking me to take over the car payments while she got my paid for car. She is so greedy when it comes fo money as if she can take it with her when she leaves this earth. Her boyfriend doesn't like me for no reason but her talking about me I guess but they make me the subject of their gossip hour where they get down on me and ruin my reputation. I noticed when I go around others they look at me so judge mental but I'm sure it comes from things such as posting I left dirty dishes when I actually washed them all up except for one that had hot grease in it that I was going to finish later. But being as she put it like it was multiple dishes verses just the one this is how she paints me to others while victimizing herself as me robbing her of her happiness. I can say I honestly feel I hate her and don't think I ever want to have a relationship with her again if it's this manipulative and back stabbing. She's a piece of work. And to kiss her boyfriends butt and turn on me for him is sickening.

I have bpd im 22 i do not want to be a mother ever i am so scared to damage a child 😪

Worked 2 jobs never got anny rest. And i loved my mom verry much!! Never got anny love no thank yous!! I was not allowed to date i dont" drive ...💝

Is it possible that both of my parents are BPD?

Thx 4 content and validation!

So glad I found this channel

I'm 99% sure I am a cross between a quiet borderline and queen. Do you have any videos for the borderline to correct these issues? There's a whole lot of info out there for the receiving end person but not the borderline... help 😢

Did u ever do a video on the other kinds of bpd besides the queen??

I wonder what growing up under these experiences does to a young boy with non-verbal autism? : ( His mother was going through a most depressive period in her life and broke up with the baby's father (my son) around age 2. The boy was diagnosed around 2 and a half years. I believe and witnessed her leaving the baby alone much of the time if front of the TV up until age 1.5. I am the grandmother to the boy and I was told I couldn't pick him up and play with him if he started fussing up until age 1.5. I suspected he had autism when he was under a year because he didn't respond well to his name and it took a lot to get him to look at you. He was in front of the TV with baby educational video's 5 -10 hours a day up until 1.5 years and I am sure is still at 3 years. : ( I don't get to see him anymore, heartbreaking! It's rather ironic because the mother has queen tiara's all over her pictures/video's in Tik Tok..... and she fits much of the queen description and has a lot of histronic tendencies : (

I'm not sure where my mother fits, but she has traits of BPD and Queen attitude. My sister is definitely BPD. Growing up my mother was abusive and alcoholic. But in her 70s when she got very sick, she was much better and had some insight. I did love my mother - she had some great qualities. But she was a horrible mother while we were young. We didn't get proper care, so not lunch or breakfast at times, taking care of her instead of ourselves, being mean and abusive (verbally and physically). Jealously was a huge thing.

What if I started adopting this personality because we had to switch roles in the house and she’s the only reference I have to what a mother should be. I still live with my family I’m only 20 yrs old I don’t want to act that way.

😢

This is my daughter and my deceased mother.

My sister and her daughter.

My mom would say ur fat guys dont like fat girls" oh!! Will they dont like me any way!!💝💝💝

If the queen spilled the milk, its somehow your fault, so you better apologize or she will exact her revenge.

How to differentiate between narcissistic and queen borderline moms?

Resonates

Is “queen” the proper name of this subtype? Or is there another name for this subtype?

I read that book and my mother was the witch.

The term "Borderline" should be done away with. I am 77 years old and was diagnosed when I was 22. I never knew I had that label until I was in my 60's, however, when a "therapist" told me on a first visit with her. I did know, however, that I had been "avoided" by some doctors and attorneys; but I never knew why. BTW, I had to use the legal system three times and won in every case after I finally got before a judge because I am a good person, and the judge knew I was telling the truth. I cannot express my disgust at the person who gave me that label at such a young age and which made my hard life even harder. I have no sympathy for the argument that professionals use this label as a way of "communicating" with each other. Their first obligation is to the people who have entrusted their lives with them. At the first least, it should be re-worded.

Living hell

I’m fed up with this nonsense; it’s intermittently colored my whole life.

There was NOTHING good!!!!

this sounds like a princess archetype , the diplomat.... not a true queen

I am a recovering borderline myself is a borderline. My mom is a borderline narcissistic person. Can a daughter also get borderline being raised by a mother like this? I want to read the book because my mother has this type of attitude.