BPD AND DISSOCIATION 

Does anyone else with BPD ever get something where it feels like you're kinda looking in on your life from a 3rd person perspective and you're doing things but don't feel like you're in control of yourself and are just kinda spectating?

Lol when you dissociate half-way through watching a video about dissociation and have to rewind

What a wonderful description. I've been going through this for weeks. Unable to connect with people even though I desire to, my walls are up. I haven't felt like I'm even living in 3d. I'm somewhere outside of everything else. The world continues to turn around me and I'm just frozen. Scared and lonely. Processing my emotions has become a priority. I crave meaningful relationships and intimacy, but fear being "too much" for people to handle. I am everything and I am nothing. No in between. So when frozen, I'm the ice queen. I hoped that in this state I could preserve things until I processed and worked through past trauma. I have come back to myself now and hope it isn't too late to make things better.

I day dream heavily and reenact conversations or imagine new ones. I sometimes keep reenacting a conversations over and over again. Sometimes I daydream/dissociate so much that I feel sick. I can't control what I feel about the dissociations. Sometimes I feel anxious. I almost got hit by a car once trying to dissociate in peace. Sometimes it's a choice most of the times I try to stop, but I fail every time. It's like you ate less like yourself and more like a fragment. The point of this is to keep your soul scattered, because you don't want to be your full self.

I think it feels like your mind matches the empty feeling you have... finally you are completely empty.

I relate so much when you talked about going from extreme emotions to nothingness

My best dissociation is when I'm writing, and I go away and be with my characters, like I'm floating along beside them and just recording what's happening. Like the creative energy flows in and out like breathing. When I come back, I'm a litle tired but it's pleasant, like wakig up from a nice dream. The worst dissociation is when it's anxiety-caused, and I need to be present, like in job interviews and I literally forget who I'm talking to and before I know it I've left the interview room and I'm telling some rambling story that's totally irrelevant and emotional and usually turns into a negative screed about why I stopped working at another company. It's 100% why I've lost out on jobs on several occasions. I have a flat affect if I'm not performing, so I probably looked completely insane. When I come back from that, I'm completely humiliated and I want to just run and cry.

I get this when I’m overwhelmed and that unfortunately happens a lot. Got worse for me with age. My brain is tired from the bpd. Fortunately I start treatment tomorrow. I am 46 so not to early to start 🤪

I ruin everything good in my life.. I'm ruined.. it's like I was born broken..

I dont even recognize myself in the mirror, i'm getting my diagnoses rechecked but this has been my most prominent symptom since elementary school. My life started feeling like a movie in second grade.

It happens for weeks quite often. Day's, weeks months it's horrible and happened as long as I can remember for my past 26 years. I wish I knew a way to make it stop. Our brain protects itself however it can it's crazy. I hate the numb and disassociation Thank you for bringing this up. I know I'm not alone but I've struggled with this since childhood

Thank you so much Michi, this stuff really scares me but it all is starting to make sense. Thank you for your videos I'm finally starting to learn who I am. It also helps in the sense that I feel like I'm not alone in this battle. It took me until 38 years old to be diagnosed, my twenties were a disaster. Oh how I wish I could of saw this when I was a teenager, I'm getting treatment now, but I find comfort in watching your videos because I relate to all of them, I cannot say thank you enough. Thank you thank you. 😊

This has got to be the best vocalized way of how i feel most of the time. This will help alot because I've been trying for years to explain it to people and it never comes out right and i'm so frustrated and and tired of sounding like a broken record!. . Thank you :)

As a neurotypical person who dated someone with BPD it can be confusing. Sometimes she would dissociate mildly during nights out when she was stressed with school work. I took it the wrong way and felt bad about myself because I thought she was losing interest in the relationship. Having a discussion about this really helped.

My nephew killed himself a few years back. He had a slew of his own mental health issues. The first thought I had as I looked down in his casket was that he had beat me to it. I didn't cry for a while after that. Trying to keep your emotions in check when you're experiencing the severe highs and lows is like wrestling a hungry, 10 foot snake. You never know what angle they're going to attack from. You just know that they will, and they'll probably win. Once you discover dissociation, it's almost a relief. Until it isn't. Until some small tendril of dread weakly flutters. This serenity is nice, but will you ever smile again without feeling like it's going to break your face? Everything feels hazy and muted and protective... but you can only handle so much of that. I have often doubted if I had a soul. I realized early on that I was some kind of abomination who had been born without the ability to feel, since it seemed that whenever it mattered most, I couldn't be sad like everyone else, or even pretend effectively. But I could listen to a song in a quiet room, close my eyes, and by the time the song is done, I open them, only to find tears streaming. I find that I need constant validation that I'm not a complete failure (even though I am at everything), and that nobody is upset at me. The fear of saying something wrong and driving people away is so severe, I have forsaken friends altogether. A few years ago, my mother told me that maybe I should just kill myself, since I was so determined to never be happy. As if I would willingly choose this. As if the gaping maw of darkness that threatened to swallow me whole was something I was choosing instead of being happy. Maybe I did. The darkness was quiet, at least. I know she regrets it now. But it's not something that I will truly ever forget. I go in tomorrow to finally be evaluated for this. I have lived almost 30 years of my life only half alive. After panic attacks that bring on days of off and on dissociation, followed by weeks of depersonalization and depression, I have finally reached my limit. No one believes that this is what I have. So I don't say anything anymore. "Everyone feels these things." The unsaid message is clear. 'We can all deal with it. Why can't you?' I still don't know why.

Hey Michi - I had a really strong Discociative episode when I lost my wife 3 years ago, I recognized these"Far Out" feelings from the Dream State, and I thought I was Lucid Dreaming, or High, or died of a cardiac, was kinda scared, but for the most part "I Loved It" - I like to escape as much as possible from this hecric world. I've "Spaced Out" all my life, (and always kinda thought I was having an Autistic "in my own wold episode" when I was young and my teachers were trying to pin me down - now as I've gotten older, and quite accustomed to to High State, (sweet Cannabis), I juat now think that I trip naturally, (because I've done this all my life). Just want you to know, I enjoy hearing what you say, and I have full blown. B sucky PD. and your beautiful and very inteligent, (and I think it's so great your gonna, or already working in the PR industry, (as per one of your earlier videos😍

I just came across your videos this morning, I've been recently diagnosed with BPD and been doing a lot of research on it. I related to all of your videos, sometimes so much that it took my breath away and brought me to tears. You are awesome! It's huge knowing that I'm not alone.❤️❤️❤️

I'm pregnant with BPD and it's really hard. My emotions are all over the place all the time and what I usually used to numb myself (drugs/alcohol) I don't do anymore. Not saying I use to use a lot of drugs at all but mostly it would just be smoking weed or painkillers occasionally.

Bpd is what caused my older brother to take his life. It split my life into two. Before and after Feb 9 2015 I'm not the same and the bpd intensified. I wish I had someone in my life who cared. Ty for your videos. All my friends moved or passed away

Really clear explanation and very helpful in understanding. Dissociation comes from a very deep and instinctive response - which is why it is hard to learn how to moderate. People need to understand its as much like trying to 'control' our instinctive 'flight or fight' response to a threat or danger. Dissociation is a natural defence to a trauma, that may have been a single incident or a persistent low level neglect by someone (a parent for example). The counterpart to this can be a need to regain feeling through a forced physical or emotional action or to deaden the feeling of hyper sensitivity through some excessive 'indulgance'.

You talk just like I do, I relate to this, I love this, thank you

I was at a meal with work and it was loud and busy and everyone was younger than me and they were all on their phones (being borderline I started thinking it was me, why they were ignoring me) I dissociated, someone had taken a few pictures, I saw myself dissociating for the first time, it was strange, I wasn't there, I'd gone off into my wonderland (that's what everyone who knows me calls it)

I'm go glad you brought up this topic! I've been waiting to see if you'd make a video about this as I often dissociate. Keep up the amazing work and information!

Thank you for putting into words that which I had no name for. All these years, all the random places, thoughts, feelings Where am I going this time... It happened so much- entire days, even months, Thank you honey for helping me understand my dis-integration of self. All these years of not knowing who or what I was With Enlightenment comes awareness of past events - good or bad. Those bad ones really blow! Keep the Faith Girl! Mighty-Righteous you are.

I never been open with this cus i never understood it myself i have a hard time separating reality and my dreams they run into together i really cant explain it but today looking up i came across bpd and did research the information i came across including these videos are dead on i never been open also because i felt like i was the only one experiencing these symptoms. Thank you for this video it open my eyes and help weight off my shoulder

I call it going to my happy place to shield myself from the bad

This is one of the best videos I've seen on this topic and further expounding on BPD in general. Often times I feel as though I'm not able to verbally express what I'm experiencing, but everything has been explained so well by you in this. Thank you.

I've haven't seen BPD explained in such a eloquent and detailed way until I saw this video, THANK YOU

Thank you so much im struggling so much right now and i cant explain it to anyone x

Recently, my grandpa died and my dog was put down in the same week. I felt nothing. A few weeks later, my mom confronted me. Am I a fucking sociopath? Why don’t I feel anything? Why haven’t I cried? I responded with “I can’t handle it, so I don’t” and it was a kind of breakthrough with us. I don’t dissociate in a catatonic kind of way, I just flip the switch on my emotions and feel nothing at all. Thank you for making those videos so those of us who know this struggle don’t feel quite so alone or insane. ♥️

thank you for making this. never heard dissociation and bpd talked about where i actually related and it made sense, especially prolonged episodes/states and how you described it. people talk a lot about the ups and downs of mood swings and triggers but dont often touch on how hard that is to keep up with, even just reacting to my own thoughts and emotions let alone external stuff...dissociation is the obvious response. fighting prolonged dissociative states is the biggest barrier in my recovery and healing and even just daily life. no one seems to understand as its usually talked about episodically (people snap out of this?? :O ) and not as a more prolonged state.

Exactly what I’ve gone through many, many times. Strange experience too say the least. It can be confusing to myself as well as those around me. You explained it perfectly comrade. Thank you many times over! “working recovery in bpd”...

I also feel like I'm not growing up at all. I entered college just two years ago (I'm 26 almost 27) and the kids there are more like me than my old friends, the ones that grew up with me.

I've done it while doing homework on my computer (that was the first time I noticed something was off about myself) its a really weird feeling and I'm so glad youre explaining it. as I'm watching and reading more and more about BPD and other psychological things I'm feeling better that I'm learning more about myself I guess you can say and knowing I'm not the only one that has that feeling. I just remember when I was coming out of the "state". I remember looking around my room confused with this kind of light headedness but it wasnt like normal light headedness it was more of dizzy I guess you can say? Is this the dissociation you're talking about? Because this happens quite often.

I dissociate literally 100% of the time. Honestly alcohol is the one thing I’ve found that makes me feel truly present. It fucking sucks. BPD is completely terrifying when you feel trapped inside a mind that you can never escape.

preach it girl. just found you today... relating to everything you speak of....really great to be able to hear all this so well worded

Spot on for how I've been feeling. My dissociation has lasted a lot longer than weeks though.... it has lasted for months or years and happened a few times.

I could recognize a lot of what you were talking about. I struggle a lot with Depersonalization/Derealization and have been in it for 5 years now. Not recognizing your reflection, feeling like you are on autopilot, emotional numbness, feeling you are not thinking, time flying by without you noticing it at all, etc. Even episodes of deeper dissociation where you stare into nothing for up to hours. It is a lot I can tell you that. Hopefully I will get out of it somehow. I have looked at the criteria for BPD as well and find that I might actually have it myself. I’m gonna ask my psychologist about it🍻😉

I sometimes think it's not real and I feel I'm in a different time zone like it is a dream. Don't make drama about it people don't understand what is going on.

i feel like when i'm too deep into a depressive episode i dissociate for a couple days. looking back on days like that is really weird, almost like they didn't happen or it wasn't fully me during those moments ??

This past week has been a clusterfuck of problems and even my co-worker noticed. Which is interesting because I've been like this before plenty of times. But my boss doesn't get it and just thinks I'm being extra quiet/silent....almost mute.

Not necessarily sure what your diagnosis is my mine is bipolar and I just have to say this video is helping so much. I’ve felt so much of this but didn’t know how to express it or I didn’t want to bc I don’t want to come off as a bad person or a bother but it really helps knowing I’m not alone. So thank you sm for making this video.

Thanks for the voice! Really resonated a lot with this.

When I was younger I remember it felt like the world around change into waves. I was lying down in a bed and I was mesmerized by the feeling of comfort and beauty in my surroundings, and I remember thinking it was like sand dunes in the desert or waves on the sea. Other times it has been random occasions I suddenly feel the world shrinking in my perception, I stop being aware of my surroundings and instead it’s like my head is under water and sounds are distorted, I remember sitting in a park and there was a steady noise of water pouring and children laughing and distant voices and people walking on gravel. But when I sat there I there was a child I didn’t see that repeatedly banged something into the park bench, and the sound of metal to metal was intensified in my mind. I remember it feeling like My brain dozed of and time slowed down to match my slower thinking, and all sounds were less intense but the banging was more intense. My most recent experience was similar, I feel my surroundings vanishing or being less important, I feel less emotional because of the distance or detachment from reality. If you experience this or anything remotely close I suggest you tell a person you trust, maybe not parents in this case, it’s important to get help early so that you may learn what is happening to you and not get yourself into harmful situations because of it. All love to the souls that learned dissociation to survive as kids❤️

I dissociate quite often, and I have to pause and think "what's triggering me this time" and there's no real danger so it happens mildly because I give automatic responses to whomever I'm talking to.. I hear myself talking and responding and laughing at whatever the person next to me is talking.... new experiences make me dissociate, I'm terrified of everything to be honest.

You are doing very good work. Keep going. Love to you.

I do have occasions where I feel no joy in anything or anyone but I think I am just depressed and tired from stress and worry

Sounds like I feel in the early morning before my first cup of coffee. Thanks for your videos, Michi - I think your obvious vulnerability lends these videos an authentic quality which probably helps many people.

I get this all the time.

Sometimes I get stuck in dissociation for months on end and its awful. It only keeps getting worse every time. I tell doctors and therapists and psychiatrists and they just tell me a number to call of it gets bad but like you said when you are in that state it can be really hard to realize what is going on and to help yourself. At least now even when its worse on other aspects I'm a bit better at being able to tell people.

I don’t know if I even have BPD but I’m feeling like I do, and I might of experienced dissociation while at work yesterday. I was ringing people up and everything started to look fake, everything looked grainy and dream like. I was like wtf in my head and it was all very weird. I experience the intense anger, and guilt. And depressive episodes because I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Its really hard for me to explain any of this bc it’s just my norm ...

Curious how dissociation differs from daydreaming. I suspect I have BPD and can relate to the zoning out and numbness. I’d just like to know the difference please.

I'm rewatching a lot of your videos, now that I feel comfortable enough to comment. And Disassociation is a weird aspect of BPD. You're there, but you're not there. And then you kind of zap back into the moment, and it feels genuinely like you've lost time. Like you we're abducted by aliens or something. It's strange. I listen to a mindfulness podcast and the tricks I've learned about staying present help, but it can just still happen. The wandering mind and the staring off into space. This BPD thing is such a jigsaw puzzle.

I find that weed helps keep me in the present. When I'm medicated, I am able to function, when I'm not medicated, my brain freezes and I know right then and there that I am dissociating and I can't just break out of it. I hate it.

This video popped up at the perfect time seeing as I've recently looked into dissociation & pretty sure I do this a lot...I appreciate your videos Michi 😌💕

Thank you. You explained it all so clearly

I've literally been waiting for you to upload this aswell !!! :)

Great explanation ,helped me ! I so relate!

How do I know if I have identity dissociation disorder Or amnesia dissociation Or just depersonalisation/dr Furthermore what’s the difference between ptsd/dissociation

Out of body twin sister = dissociation

Mine goes on for days. Not just minutes or hours.

I have a question about my sister. Please no negative comments, this is pesonal. My sister was arrested recently, I'm not sure If she had and angry episode because I wasn't there. But she was very calm when she got out of jail after one day and it seemed strange. Would this be disassociation? Insight would be great. Thanks and thank you for this video and your transparency about BPD.

I can dissociate for several minutes at a time several times a day

Sounds like complex ptsd to me....

if you do want to feel normal please listen to my advice. This sounds so freaking simple but this is how I now feel normal kinda. Since covid19 it can do a lot on anyone’s mental health (isolation) so start by getting vitamin D daily. Drink water but don’t chug it ever. Eat a balanced diet with less sugar and carbs and more meat and greens. EXERCISE ashen ur getting an episode or feeling “not real” got an do a 20-30 min exercise video on RU-vid and focus on something else. EXERCISE makes me feel normal and whenever I feel weird I do this. Sleep good hours as well. Make sure you have a routine. It’s so simple but if u keep doing this you will feel better.. in the meantime watch comedy movies that make u laugh and exercise and TALK with friends and family cause for some reason that makes me feel normal

What's u said here how I feel with haveing bpd this so we'll done video you explain how it feels so well

thanks for this vid ❤️

so, could we call it, ptsd or complex ptsd vs "borderline" and dissociation?

My girlfriend broke up with me recently after going into a dissociative state the night before. I got a breakup text the next morning saying she didn't have the same feelings for me. Should I take this seriously or give her some time to come round?

It makes sense

I am conscious of when I am distant but I just don't care

Shaming numbs me for a long time

this is so helpful thankyou

Great Explanation

You're my favorite chick on RU-vid I'm BPD 2!

Trying to connect to you even on a platonic level is a complete waste of time. I left you some links on fb messenger, if you care not to educate yourself that's your choice. It's been a blast, enjoy playing the Victim

I get this feeling like there is no "me". The person in the mirror is someone else. And it freaks me the hell out.

I don’t feel like an adult.. I still feel like I’m my mind I’m 18-19 yrs old.. I’m 40.. Like I’m “stuck” and never progressed.. I see other people my age talking and interacting with people and seem to relate.. they are “grown” and I feel like a young adult still..

I often catch myself death staring at people when I am thinking about something that is stressing me out. Super annoying.

I personally sometimes start to feel like a child the little...and feel I'm in the past.

This is such an important video. It helps me feel less alone when I've had those dissociative and numb feelings/moments, and to be more understanding of friends with anxiety and depression who get dissociation around panic attacks. I don't want to think their just being mean and ignoring me, but they could be dissociating and going through their own negative thoughts too.

I constantly carry around a massive notebook where I write down everything I've done that day. I dissociate so badly that I can go 24 hours and 6 of those hours I cannot remember a dang thing. My girlfriend constantly thinks I'm just deep in thought but even after five and a half years she doesn't realize that dissociation is a serious part of borderline ,at least my personal opinion. I love your videos, by the by. They help me more than I could accurately express in a RU-vid comment. I do however have a question for you. Maybe you can do a video on it if you know anything about this. In your opinion what's the difference between a toxic person and traumatized person? Borderlines do not have a positive name for us but a lot of us have been traumatized in our childhood. ...and that ultimately can, and sometimes does, contribute to the borderline diagnosis later in life. Both individuals express similar traits.I just want to know is there a difference between me and the monster who made me who I am?

Like 80% of us experience disassociative episodes but hardly any youtubers talk about it. Thanks for this video.

I disassociate a lot ..... and as a survivor of trauma & victim of things that are somethings difficult to verbalise , or comprehend. I lose so much time in a state of disassociation it’s hard to see a positive in it , but I can say it helps abuse victims to cope ... ❤️

hey michi. Everything you have spoke about in regards to BPD is mind opening for myself. I'm trying to get a diagnosis as I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 16. I'm now 22 and the doctor kinda went ow wait have you been screened for BPD? My anxiety has gone through the roof and I have slept about an hour a night for a week aha. I've avoided my mental health for so long and just ran and ran and ran, and now I'm out of breathe (mentally and physically drained). I've isolated myself so much to the point of being alone is the norm and being in company is uncomfortable. When I next go into the doctors I'm going to write everything down before hand because I cannot manage my thoughts for shit haha. saddest part of it all I have four beautiful sisters and mother who love me and I act lifeless and struggle loving back but at the same time have nothing but love in my mind and heart. I'm contradictory. But I'm optimistic I will get better, I'm only 22. Thanks for you experience, its really helpful Jack from England -.- x

I have been in a dissociative state for the past two days. When I am with my partner, I come out of it because he is so supportive. But when I go back to the triggering place, I check out again. I totally agree with what you said about having too many emotions and then none. I know that's why I'm having a hard time with my family. I just don't care right now, not that I don't want to but I just can't. And what's worse is that when I try to explain that it's my BPD, no one believes me or tries to help. I even found a support group for family members but my family don't want to go coz it would take away from their personal lives. But then continue to ask me why I do these things. Thank you for explaining this so well. I really enjoyed this video and managed to stay present throughout the whole thing. Much love.

I space out a lot, depersionalize and derealize from time to time but I've now dissociated from my emotions. It has lasted about a week now and I only feel shallow emotions like getting annoyed or laughing whit others, but no true happiness and no sadness, my dog died recently and I didn't feel anything. I thought I was becoming a sociopath but I realize now it's probably dissociation.

I love having dissociative episodes. It feels like an emotional vacation. I don't choose when they happen but I feel relief when I feel nothing for once.

I am so happy that you made this video. I was diagnosed with BPD at 18 and I am now 34 and I'm just learning about BPD. I don't know why I never looked into BPD when I was diagnosed with it because maybe if I had I wouldn't have lived such a crazy and unstable life in my 20's. When I started learning about BPD it all made so much sense. I just could not believe everything I was learning was exactly how I acted, thought, felt, behaved etc. Now because I'm learning about BPD I wanted to tell my mom about it. She still has not educated herself about it and it didn't really bother me until I watched your video. For the longest time and just last week she brought up that there's definitely something wrong with you because sometimes I catch you just staring into space for about 30 seconds. Her exact words were" Alicia what the hell is wrong with you when you stair off into la la land all the time?" It happens when I'm thinking about something upsetting. It all makes sense now. Thank u

for BPD another type of dissociation is secondary structural dissociation, which is a framework with the theory that ppl with cptsd/bpd have an Apparently Normal Personality which doesn't totally remember trauma, and multiple Emotional Parts that respond as if they are currently experiencing trauma when triggered; the past lives in you. similar idea to DID, but ppl with DID have more than one ANP. if you struggle with memory loss after bad episodes, feel like your emotions are from your younger self, or feel like your emotions are "in a different room in your head" you should check out structural dissociation

My cousin is borderline she will not except it she is getting worst everyday I had to stopped dealing with her constant gaslighting

This is me, I never knew what it was originally, the doctor described its as depersonalisation- disassociation....BPD.... I’d love to know how much time Ive spent in my life gazing into oblivion alone in my mind.... it’s mostly traumatic episodes pain- could be linked to ptsd- I want help with this too... I don’t understand, why , when, how I just no it does.. it’s like falling asleep you don’t know you’ve done it till you wake up. I wouldn’t fully say I hate it....but....😞

You described it really well. At the moment I’m dissociated most days, and when I was talking about a trauma the other day I dissociated really badly and can’t remember the rest of the day. It’s stopping my ability to work at the moment so I need to find a way to get control of it!

I dissociate more often than not. Literally almost permanently. Nothing feels real, almost ever. I use shock humor sometimes to get a response from people, to make myself “wake up” if that makes sense. Anyone else dissociate this much? Mine is the extreme version called Depersonalization

This relates to my memory loss too

Question does anyone think about dying all the time? Like truly want to die or just slit your wrists jump out of a car..like idk maybe im just truly broken

it feels like you are in a fog. you can hear everything, but can't respond. nothing matters. numbness.

Can you please tell me how this effects me physically I feel nauseous all the time, tired and body aches

Don't have BPD but the dissociation is very relatable. The way you articulated it was super helpful. Thanks yo, real talk.

Thankyou so much for your videos. I was diagnosed on Monday. I've always been nicknamed dosie Rosie cause I zone out 🙃